Lie By Default
Ch3
Things begin to spiral when we go to Texas. It's supposed to be fun- seeing the country, eating some barbecue, teasing Lucas. I was going to get so much ammunition to keep our back-and-forth banter going.
And then I see the bulls. I see the bulls and it's not a game anymore because it's dangerous.
And I did that. Riley and I, we signed him up to ride those things and he could die. He could leave me, and I didn't know that my emotions could get like this for anyone but Riley. He could get hurt, or he could die, and he'd be another person gone from my life- not coming back.
There'd be no more jokes and teasing- the back-and-forth game that takes up time to plan (time that distracts me from my other more harmful thoughts)- planning that's fun.
This was only supposed to be another part of the game, but it's never supposed to be dangerous.
I have to stop him before he dies, and anxiety floods my veins in a desperation that I haven't felt in a while. "If you do this, I will never talk to you again." It comes through numb lips. He just needs to stop- everything just needs to stop.
Because I can't do this. I didn't realize it before, but he is part of my life now, a big part, and he can't leave me. Not again (my brain doesn't even process that it wasn't Lucas Friar who left me before. All it knows is that he could be gone and it would be my fault).
I can't watch and wait as another person disappears from my life, so I walk away, legs feeling week. And Riley- Riley wants him to do it still. Doesn't she understand that we could lose him? That it would be our fault?
Riley watches as I walk away, tries to follow, but Lucas needs her too. So, she stays, and my legs don't let me go far. The ledge I find myself on is higher than the rodeo rink and offers a stellar view to the death of someone I took for granted but have grown vehemently attached to.
My nails bite into the palms of my hand to keep from scratching as the bell sounds and the gate flings open. The seconds drag on for hours, and then Lucas is on the ground and he's not moving. And then he's standing and my legs give out under me (I didn't even realize I'd stood up to see better).
Riley finds me almost immediately after. She perches herself beside me, looking unbelievably cute in her country get-up, and she doesn't say anything for a long while. She just stares at me and I stare forward, trying to work the knot out of my throat.
"How are you?" she finally asks, and I want to scream.
"I couldn't watch," I say. But I did watch. I couldn't look away. "I don't know why…"
"I know why," she says, and I look toward her.
She looks so certain, so sure of herself. It's confusing, because I don't even know what I was trying to say- I was thinking about my shrink's words and trying to fit them into complete thoughts, reasonings, but they just won't fit right in my head. So, I don't know how she can know the why to a question I don't even know how to ask.
"I know you think I love him only like a brother. I know you've thought that for a while."
"It doesn't matter what I think." I furrow my brow in confusion at the turn of conversation. "Whatever you feel, that's up to you."
She shifts closer, ducking her head closer. Her stare is penetrating, staring, electrifying. "Maya, it's up to you to tell me however you feel. You shouldn't be afraid to tell me anything." I run my palm anxiously down the side of my jeans. Is it possible that she knows? Her hand reaches out, landing on my thigh, and I follow the touch with my eyes. Just above it are a dozen discolored scars, hidden by denim. "You're my sister. I've always wanted a sister."
I swallow hard and can't help leaning back a bit, flicking my eyes away. Oh.
"Me too," I say lowly, after a moment. Right. Sister.
"Sisters should tell each other their secrets, don't you think?" she asks, and I can still feel her gaze boring into the side of my face. I always want Riley around, but right now, I kind of wish she'd leave. My jaw clenches. What does she want from me? To confess? Why, if she sees me as a sister? What's the point of dragging it out into the open?
"You couldn't watch him," she says so, so, slowly, and my brain jumps and spins, and tries to keep track of the conversation (because it's like we are having two different ones), "because you were afraid something would happen to him. Because you like him." I stay staring straight ahead, trying to understand what is happening. "You make fun of him because you like him."
Lucas, my brain connects slowly, and I finally turn to face her, but she quickly looks away, drawing her hand back to her own lap. "And, you never told me that either." There is a long pause of me not knowing what to say, how to correct this, or defend against it. I do not like Lucas. Not like she's implying. He means more to me than I expected, but not like that. She looks to me again when I remain speechless. "Well, you're right. I love him like a brother. That's how I love him."
"I'm not…" my voice breaks off when she looks away again, back out toward the rodeo- where our friend just brushed by death. "I'm not in love with Ranger Rick."
"Maya, it's okay-"
"I'm not," I insist.
But when we get back to the house, Riley tells Lucas that they are brother and sister now, and she starts acting all weird just to prove it. Everyone is a bit confused, and I feel bad for Lucas as she goes on and on about how comfortable she is with him now that they are siblings.
I actually feel really bad for the boy. And completely lost myself.
"Maya, will you please say something to him? I know you like him- it's okay," she says as country music blares from the speakers of the BBQ place.
"I don't," I argue, a bit frustrated that she won't listen, and I feel tears clogging my throat and burning in the backs of my eyes. She turns and strides over to the boy.
"Hey, Huckleberry," she says, "are we dancing or what?"
"Oh, we can do that? Is that part of the new rules?"
"This kind of dancing, sure," she shrugs, and he eagerly moves to the dancefloor with her. I watch them go, anxiously, and then drop my eyes to my lap so I'm not caught staring. It doesn't work.
"Maya, what's going on?" Farkle starts before I cut him off.
"I don't know. Do you know, cause…" I start to scratch at my arm before I realize what I'm doing and clamp down on my wrist. "Help me," I whisper, wishing that he understood, wishing that he can fix it like Riley does.
He reaches out, and I pull his chair closer so I can rest my head on his shoulder and lean into him. It's not like with Riley. The urge to cut doesn't seep away, but it helps. It helps along with the bruise I pinch into my ribs as I hug his arm to my body.
It also helps to be distracted by Zay's old girlfriend (or whatever she was) showing up and there's something I can do. It's feels good to focus on anything other than my thoughts and feelings, but then they are playing a love song and I'm standing right up front by the stage next to both Riley and Lucas.
Riley keeps looking at me throughout, and I try to avoid her eyes, feeling awkward. I look to Lucas, wondering if he's just as anxious, if he understands what's going on, but he doesn't seem to. He looks just as skittish as I feel.
And then we are back at the house sitting around the fire and it's so intimate and I feel too much and then Riley says, "Promise me that we'll all always be friends, no matter what."
"Riley-"
"Promise." She's looking intently at me as she says it, and shifts even closer, and I know this thing she's doing is directed entirely at me. "No matter what happens. I'm telling you that I'll always be your best friend, no matter what."
"Oh." My voice comes out shaky as I wonder if that's really true. She thinks she knows this big secret- she thinks she knows, but she doesn't.
"There's nothing I could do-"
"No, there's nothing you could do, Maya. Do you understand?" Does she? Is this my trust issues acting up again? I don't much feel like testing this promise, though. Not ever. "It's you and me until the time we… you know. Bleh."
And then Zay leaves and Riley tries to abandon me in some misguided idea of 'stepping back' in the name of friendship.
"Maya likes you. She's been hiding it this entire time. It's why she couldn't watch you at the rodeo."
"Riley, what are you doing?" My face burns. Not because it's true, but because it's not.
"I saw you, Maya. I saw how much you cared. It's why she makes fun of you, I think." She turns back to me, steely determination setting her jaw. "You need to feel whatever you feel." Not if it's too much for my chest. Her, it's her, it's always her. She spills all these false secrets and then she leaves, dragging Farkle away and leaving me alone. My nails claw at my arms.
"What is going on?" Lucas asks, hovering, horribly confused, near the fire.
"I don't know," I sigh, pressing my face into my hands.
He lowers himself back onto the log, far closer to my side than necessary. "I'm her brother now?"
"Apparently."
He hesitates, looking over at me. "You like me?'
"No."
"Maya, why didn't you want me to ride in the rodeo?"
It's too much, it's too much- I can't think about that freak out in the middle of this one. It's two separate issues mistaken for one- clashing. It's all piling up and I've lost hold of my life raft (my life raft took Farkle to get ice cream). I'm drowning.
I need something familiar, something simple.
"Because," I turn to face him, "I didn't want you to win and get all conceited."
"I don't think that's it."
"I don't think that's it," I mock.
"I don't talk like that, I just don't. Why do you see me like that?"
"Of course I don't see you like that!" I leap to my feet, putting distance between us like it would in turn put distance between my thoughts. "Can we just… look at this fire. Please."
"I guess," he agrees as I sit down farther away, and he then proceeds to stare at me.
"Stop," I demand. He only looks away for a moment before I feel his eyes on me again.
"Can you stop, can everything just stop? It's bad enough I've been keeping this secret from Riley all this time."
"What secret?" He presses, and I can see it in his eyes. He believes that I like him.
"You guys are so much alike. You're at your best when you're just talking to each other. Looking out for each other. I feel like all I've brought her this past year is problems to try and solve. I have so many issues and it feels like that's all I'm good for. I've been… jealous."
"So, you don't make fun of me cause you like me?" he asks, standing and inching closer.
I don't deign that deserving a response. I've already told him.
"Maya, why do you make fun of me?"
"Because you're easy to make fun of," I burst, too much adrenaline to remain sitting a moment longer. "Because you're a Huckleberry. Because you're a Ranger Rick. Because you're safe to make fun of- I know you won't leave- but if I have feelings for you don't you think if I'd come right out and say it? Well, I don't so what I do say is, Ha-harrr-"
I break off with a gasp, because he suddenly grabs my face, and I shove his hands off, hugging my body as I turn away.
"Why did you do that?" I mumble, glaring down at the ground.
"I don't know! I just- wanted you to stop!"
"…I don't like you," I say meekly. I slowly look back up and watch understanding wash over his face. "I like her."
The silence stretches, stilting, for an eternity. "…Oh my god, that makes so much sense," he says, sinking back down onto the log. I follow, stunned.
"What do you mean 'that makes so much sense?'"
He shrugs. "Just the way you guys act with each other. I've always thought that maybe you guys were a little too close-" he breaks off under my glare, "-or not." He hesitates a moment and looks down at his hands. "But at least now I know I don't stand a chance, even if it weren't for this whole 'brother' stuff."
"What do you mean?"
"It's you, Maya. There's no competing with you- she'll always choose you." He says it so simply.
"Not with this, Huckleberry. She doesn't like me like that. She said I'm her sister." I burry my head in my arms again.
"And she said I'm her brother," he points out.
Hope is for suckers, hope is for suckers, I chant in my head. This isn't something that can happen- it's not something that I can let myself hope or ask for.
"You can't tell anyone," I warn him sharply. "No one can know."
"I won't tell anyone, Maya, but I think you should. I think her response to this would surprise you."
Probably. But I can't risk it. Not on this. Nothing is ever worth the risk to our friendship.
A/N: Please review?
~Silver~