[Crossposted on FFN and AO3]
Released: 11/10/2021 - dd/mm/yyyy
Edited: 18/10/2021 - fixed capitalization errors
Previously on Izuku Has a Weird Quirk…
"Oi. What the fuck is this? Some stupid ass flashback scene? The readers aren't stupid, they know what happened last chapter!"
…
"Fine, whatever. I'll tell them if that's what will get me out of this place."
…
"So, if you weren't paying attention to the last chapter, here's the rundown courtesy of yours truly."
"The first thing that happened is that you got introduced to me, which is honestly the only part of that chapter worth mentioning. You know what? I'll just summarise the rest."
"The blonde mutt argues that size doesn't matter. Some homeless guy tried to share my house rent-free. All Might acted like a complete idiot. My flesh sack went crazy and tried to fight the homeless slime bag. Then All Might appeared again, still acting like a complete idiot."
"That about wraps this up, right?"
…
"Great. Now send me back, you omnipotent potato. If this is what a penectomy feels like then I'd rather not experience it again."
…
"Hey, why the fuck are you laughing?! I swear to whatever god exists that isn't you that if you bring me back again next chap-"
~POOF~
…
Back to the present…
Izuku glared downwards at his crotch, mouth hanging wide in surprise at its sudden outburst.
"What do you mean, 'NO'?!"
"Exactly what I said, you deaf flesh sack!" it harrumphed in reply. Even though the greenette couldn't see it, he could imagine his quirk crossing nonexistent arms like a disapproving parent while glaring at him with equally nonexistent eyes.
"That bag of bones over there is the biggest fucking asshole I've ever had the displeasure of meeting, and that's saying something considering our sperm donor."
Izuku remained silent at hisquirk's explanation behind its anger for two reasons. The first was because it mentioned Hisashi, someone he hadn't seen hide nor hair of ever since his quirk manifested. His talking penis was 100% all Hisashi's genes, since the man literally had talking nipples. Both of which identified as women. To this day, Izuku still had no clue how his mother fell in love with someone like that.
The second - and surprisingly, more important - reason, was that it had called All Might an asshole. While not as colorful or verbose as some of his quirk's choice insults, it was actually the insult it considered the worst of them all. The story behind his quirk's reasoning? Very simple really: as a penis, it just really hated anuses. Izuku was loathe to imagine a day where he might end up meeting a distant relative that had a talking ass.
Izuku's thought process was derailed by All Might's extremely loud coughing, whether that was because of his injury or because of its comment, Izuku had no idea.
"How could All Might be an a-asshole? He's literally the greatest hero in Japan! No… the world!" Izuku whisper-shouted to his pants, which was - sadly - much weirder and unsettling than it sounded.
"How? How?! I'll tell you how. He's the one that tore up your childhood dream and left an emotionally shaken child on top of a very tall building, yes?"
"Well, I-"
"The one person you looked up to most in the world, and he told you to give up on your dreams and pretty much die."
"He didn't say tha-"
"And then! You actually end up doing something heroic, then he comes swooping in again moments later with a complete 360 in his attitude."
Izuku didn't even bother trying to reply this time - he knew that his quirk ranted a LOT, he was pretty sure it got that trait from his mumbling - but the greenette noticed Skelemight out of the corner of his eye, seemingly stewing in awkwardness as the pro hero listened.
"You want to know the most insulting part? He offered you his quirk."
"Wait, isn't that a good thing? That means he finds me worthy to become the next All Might!" Izuku paused after that, a very important piece of information finally sinking into his frazzled mind.
"Hold up. Offered me his quirk… YOU CAN GIVE PEOPLE QUIRKS?!"
The green bush of hair on top of his head shook like a wild animal was hiding in it as Izuku bounced up and down on his heels excitedly. All Might just stared at him in a mixture of shock and confusion, no doubt still reeling from its rant and wondering what the Endeavor he had gotten himself into.
"Hey, flesh sack! Geek out later, listen to me first!" Izuku held his fanboying back a bit, and it continued.
"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted-", Izuku hacked out an intelligible murmur of 'just desserts' under his breath, "-you offering my flesh sack your quirk is incredibly insulting. You insult the both of us! With your offer, you're saying that Izuku can't become a hero with his own power and effort!"
After spending pretty much the whole rant just silently gaping, All Might finally spoke up, "Now, Young… do you have a name?"
"Erectus Maximus."
Izuku groaned and buried his face in his hands.
As skeletons couldn't properly understand human social etiquette, All Might continued unfazed, "Right, yes. Young Maximus, it was not my goal to insult either of you. However, you must admit that you couldn't do much as a hero without power. That was why I offered you my power."
"Pah! What do you know? You were born with a golden spoon shoved up your arse, so don't go telling us that we can't become heroes just because we didn't win the genetic lottery like you."
"I know more about your situation than you think."
The sudden declaration managed to shut it up, while also garnering Izuku's attention. Was he talking about being useless, or getting forced into a disastrous conversation with a very annoying person?
But All Might couldn't have possibly been useless like me!
All Might sighed, somehow defying all laws of human nature and deflating even further.
Wait, if All Might gives me his quirk then will I turn into a skeleton too?!
Skeletons probably have eternal boners so that's just more power to me.
Izuku tuned his quirk out and cleared his thoughts, eyes widening in panic when he realised that All Might had already started speaking.
"-is like a sacred torch, passed down through generations. With each transfer, the quirk's power is cultivated and strengthened. I am the 8th bearer of this legacy, which has been dubbed One for All. It is with this po-"
A loud squeaking sound cut the Symbol of Peace off, one Izuku - and Izuku alone - recognised as its version of a yawn. To be very apt with the sound's description: it sounded absolutely nothing like a yawn.
"Could you maybe get to the point before the sun sets?"
All Might sighed, but relented.
"I was born quirkless. Powerless. It is only with this gift passed on to me that I have gotten to where I am today."
Izuku made a mental note to schedule an appointment with his pediatrician because he was undergoing way too much shock in way too little time. Getting attacked by a villain, meeting his idol, learning about the number one hero's deepest secret, getting his dreams shattered, rushing to try and save Kacchan, having his dreams kind of rebuilt, and now… learning that All Might actually used to be quirkless. It seemed like the kind of convoluted bullshit that only anime protagonists were supposed to experience.
It hummed - emanating a sound akin to chalk scratching against a board - contemplating what to say in response to that.
"Why can't we be heroes without your power? Izuku over here could be the poster child for all belittled quirks and kids that want to be heroes!"
The green teen in question was honestly surprised with what it said. To become a hero with what he had was always his plan, but to hear that his quirk supported him lifted an invisible weight on his shoulders that he didn't even know existed. That burden was quickly replaced with an even heavier one when Izuku registered the fact that he would become a role model for a multitude of people in similar situations to him if he became a hero with only himself and his talking dick.
Izuku felt a newfound respect for it surge within him… although he would never tell his quirk that, or else it wouldn't shut up about it until the end of times.
All Might grinned widely, the hero obviously ecstatic about something. He waved his bony arms as he spoke, reminding Izuku of a meme he saw recently about a skeleton trying to make a sales pitch to Hades.
"It's a golden opportunity for you, Young Maximus. And you too, Young Midoriya. Perhaps, by some miracle, you could become a successful hero on your own… but think about how much more you could do with this power. Think of the people you could save with the power of One for All, compared to just your power."
Izuku's brain went into its processing mode, reflecting on what All Might had just said. It might be a hit to his and its pride, but he couldn't refute the fact that this would help him become a better hero. Maybe even the best hero...
Sadly, it apparently didn't think the same way.
"Look, Bones. A no is a n-"
"Plus, Young Maximus would get quite the upgrade if you receive One for All."
Upon hearing that, it abandoned all the agendas and notions it was previously fighting for and hopped on the All Might Fan Club train.
"Hooold up. How big of an upgrade are we talking about here?" It paused for a brief second before adding something else in a much lower volume. "And that also means your quirk won't replace me, right?"
The blonde skeleton just nodded, his thin figure combined with his rather disproportionate head making him resemble a disturbing bobblehead as he did so.
"Don't worry, Young Maximus. You won't be replaced if Young Midoriya accepts my power. As for how strong you'll become… I can't say for sure, but expect a big change."
"Well why didn't you start with that! Welcome to the team!" If it had hands, Izuku was sure his quirk would be patting All Might on the back right at that very moment.
"B-but what about all those things you were saying earlier?" Izuku sputtered, still reeling from his quirk's sudden change in opinions. It reminded him a lot of a certain blonde hero that had changed his opinions as well after witnessing just one thing.
"Oh put a sock in it, flesh sack. I'm fina- I mean, we're finally getting a power-up!"
Hypocrite.
It didn't reply to Izuku's mental message, instead choosing to question the skeleton more on whether or not thepower would be enough to make it bigger than a JAV actor. All the respect the teen had just discovered for it vanished in the blink of an eye.
After a lengthy discussion on what would be required of Izuku and it to receive One for All, the teen and the pro hero parted ways. They had agreed to meet up again the next day at a nearby beach to begin his training.
Night had already fallen as Izuku made his way back home, the stars above illuminating the dark sky. It had grown silent, but Izuku knew his quirk was still being attentive.
"Did you… call me by my name earlier?"
It was something the verdanette had just realised, his mind too frazzled earlier to register the information.
"Hah?! Get your damn ears checked, flesh sack! As if I'd ever call you by your stupid name."
"Sure…" Izuku replied, although internally he was laughing at how much his quirk sounded like a tsundere.
A passing thought quickly sobered him up, his eyebrows scrunching together as he weighed the pros and cons of speaking or keeping the idea to himself. Before he could decide, he was interrupted by his pocket vibrating.
"Oh no, Mom! I forgot to call her and tell her I was going to be late!"
"Sounds like a you problem. Smell ya later, flesh sack."
Izuku mentally cursed his quirk for leaving him hanging while his physical self desperately tried to placate his mother over the phone. Needless to say, it was a futile effort.
Izuku arrived at Takoba Municipal Beach Park at the crack of dawn, all prepped and ready for whatever All Might would throw his way. What wishful thinking on his part, because he was woefully unprepared to face a rusty fridge careening towards him faster than a speeding car.
With a girly shriek that it would never let him live down, the greenette dove aside into the only area with exposed sand amongst the towering piles of garbage. The projectile crash-landed somewhere Izuku couldn't see, but the grating sound of metal scratching against metal behind him gave the teen a good estimate in regards to its landing zone.
"What the fuck was that?!"
Izuku and his quirk were given their answer in the form of a familiar booming laugh echoing from behind a mountain of trash. A laugh that quickly morphed into a ragged coughing fit.
All Might popped out of the trash like a whack-a-mole, smiling from ear-to-ear as he sauntered up to Izuku in his buffed up form.
"Nice reflexes, Young Midoriya! I honestly wasn't expecting you to dodge that well."
So you threw a fridge at me knowing I could have died?!
Deciding that questioning All Might on his methods would just end up ruining Izuku's perception of his idol even more, he wisely decided to move past the incident and switch to a different topic.
"S-so… what sort of training will we be doing here?" Izuku eyed the rolling hills of junk as he spoke, a foreboding feeling settling over him at the horrific sight. The seagulls seemed to agree with him, the colony of birds squawking overhead in a synchronized symphony that spelled out doom to the young teen.
A grin sprouted on All Might's face, the visual image sending shivers down Izuku's spine because smiling skeletons looked extremely creepy. "You're going to be cleaning this beach, of course!"
For a short moment, the only audible sounds were the seagulls and the waves.
"I'm sorry, but did you just say you wanted us to clean this whole beach?"
"Yes!" All Might paused, his head swiveling from side-to-side on his giraffe neck as he stared at the area around the verdanette. To Izuku, it almost seemed like the man was looking for something.
Did he lose a wedding ring here? That's the usual cliche, right?
Maybe it's a cock ring.
Izuku promptly closed off his mind after its suggestion.
"Are you looking for something, All Might-dono?"
All Might waved his concerns away nonchalantly. "No need for honorifics, Young Midoriya. You can call me by my name, Yagi Toshinori."
Stars shone brightly in Izuku's emerald eyes as he took in the fact that the Symbol of Peace had actually shared his true identity with him. It helped solidify that what he was going through right at that moment wasn't a fever dream, but was actually happening.
"I was actually just looking for your quirk. Young Maximus is some sort of sentient ghost quirk, right?"
All Might's question made Izuku freeze in his tracks, a river of sweat starting to stream down his back as he remembered that he hadn't actually told the hero about the true nature of his quirk. He was about to rush into a mutter spree explanation, but it beat him to it.
"I ain't no damn ghost! I'm 100% pure and tangible muscle!" Izuku refrained from pointing out that penises didn't actually have muscles.
The barely visible pupils hidden within the shadows of All Might's eyes focused on Izuku's form, his left eyebrow slowly rising in a questioning manner as the gangly man finished his appraisal of the teen's muscle-less physique.
Wanting to just get this whole thing over with, Izuku raised his left hand to get All Might's attention and used his right to point a finger at his groin.
"I have a sentient phallus."
All Might's jaw dropped, and Izuku carefully leaned over to put it back in place before a fly made its way inside his mouth. They were in the middle of a literal junkyard, so it wasn't a farfetched danger.
All Might took a few seconds to reboot, before descending into another bloody coughing fit. "Well, Young Midoriya, your quirk is certainly…"
"Weird?" Izuku offered.
"Let's go with 'unique'," All Might countered. The deflated hero scratched the top of his head, unsure of how to proceed after the startling revelation of his chosen successor's quirk. "I'm not really sure if there's a way to train Young Maximus if that is the case. I guess we'll just have to make do with training your body for now, Young Midoriya."
"He does all the work and I reap the rewards? I like this plan!"
Izuku did not like this plan. But this was the path he had to walk to fulfill his dream of becoming a hero. So he steeled his nerves, looked All Might in the eye, and spoke, "What do I need to do?"
What followed was ten months of excruciating pain. All Might had come up with his own self-designed plan for Izuku to follow which entailed everything from his meal portions, to his exercise regime, to his sleep schedule. He was wary of following it at first, but a little research on other online training plans showed that All Might's plan followed a similar pattern, so he decided to put his trust in the skeleton.
Every day he lugged around trash and loaded it into a dilapidated pickup truck that honestly looked like it belonged with the rest of the garbage. The teen had lost count of the number of times that All Might made him push the truck from behind because the engine refused to start.
All of the muscles on Izuku's body were tortured to their maximum capability. Sadly, it received no pain from the training at all. His quirk worked in tandem with All Might to make his strenuous workouts even worse, with it distracting him whenever he was in the middle of hauling a large load of junk. It passed its antics off as additional training for maintaining Izuku's focus, but the verdanette knew that his quirk just wanted to mess with him.
The intense training caused Izuku's school performance to suffer, and he ended up pushing himself past his body's limits in an attempt to do exceedingly well in both his academics and All Might's training. Unsurprisingly, this ended up with him passing out from exhaustion in the middle of his daily run, three months before the entrance exams. After a light scolding from All Might, he was sent back on his way with a modified training plan, and Izuku began the final stretch of his training.
All his trials and torments lead up to the present, where Izuku yelled his heart out atop a pile of trash, the last batch that he had just finished clearing out. Even though sweat clung to every square inch of his sore muscles, the bushy-haired teen couldn't stop a wide grin from spreading on his face. He also couldn't stop himself from swaying side-to-side and tipping over, falling face-first into a collection of barbed wire.
"WOAH THERE, YOUNG MIDORIYA!" All Might caught Izuku in his arms before his face could get shredded by the sharp metal, the hero setting the teen down onto the sand before fishing into his pocket for something.
"All Might! I...I d-did it…" Izuku moaned as he let his body sink into the sand. The warm ground mixed with the chilly breeze created a relaxing environment that made him want to just close his eyes for a second and take a quick cat nap. He probably would've dozed off for the rest of the day if it didn't pipe up with barely concealed excitement.
"So? Do we get your power now? Will I be able to shoot lasers?!" Izuku shivered, absolutely horrified at the prospect of shooting glowing beams of death out of his crotch. He made a mental note to change his wishlist from soundproof underwear to soundproof and fireproof underwear. Izuku doubted that One for All would actually give it the ability to shoot out lasers, but it would be best to be prepared.
All Might just laughed in reply, pulling his phone out of his pocket as he did so. His hands in his buffed-up form were too large to properly hold the device, so he just squeezed it in between his thumb and index finger and held it in over Izuku's face.
"What's this?" Izuku squinted, blinking sweat and grime out of his eyes as the image on the screen slowly came into focus.
"It's you from ten months ago!" And indeed it was. It was Izuku in all his wimpy glory, the picture taken mere moments after the first time All Might threw a fridge at him. "And this… is you now!" All Might swiped the screen, revealing a new picture of Izuku standing on top of the trash while screaming.
He was aware of the change his body had undergone, but it was eye-opening to see the drastic evolution of it side-by-side. Gone was the noodle-arm kid that could get blown away by a stray gust of wind, in his place was a lean teen packed with muscle and strength. It wholeheartedly approved of this improvement, saying that Izuku's new body would be an immense help for picking up chicks. As per usual, the teen ignored it.
Pride and elation blossomed inside Izuku's chest, and he knew he would be crying a river at that moment if it wasn't for the fact that he was bone-tired. "I can't thank you enough, Yagi-san. I've been blessed getting all this help from you, and it kind of feels like cheating that I managed to get this far."
All Might just laughed and patted him on the head, the strength behind his pats burying Izuku under the sand. After a terrifying few seconds where Izuku thought he would die from suffocation, All Might managed to dig him out and prop him up on his feet.
"Sorry about that, Young Midoriya. Anyways, it's now time for you to accept the fruit of all your hard work!" All Might reached up to his head and plucked off a strand of his golden hair, holding it out in front of him. Unsure of what to do, Izuku just stared awkwardly at it.
"You've earned this power fair-and-square, kid. Eat this."
"What?"
All Might coughed a bit, pushing the hair towards Izuku's mouth as he did so. "You need to ingest some of my DNA to receive One for All, and this is the easiest way to do so!" Izuku wanted to argue that All Might could've just mixed some of his cough blood into a bottle of water for him to drink, but knew that he could do nothing to change his mentor's unusual practices.
Here goes nothing.
Izuku gulped the hair down, fighting against his gag reflex that wanted nothing more than to eject the foreign substance that invaded his esophagus. After a few uncomfortable moments where he was sure the hair was about to climb back out of his mouth, Izuku felt the hair's presence disappear from his throat.
"I-"
"-don't feel jackshit happening to me! Where's my beautiful transformation?!"
"HAHAHAHA! You'll have to wait for the hair to be digested. You'll probably start to feel something in a few hours."
Probably?
"A few hours… fine, I can stay patient for a little longer."
"The exams are in three hours, Young Midoriya. Hop to it!"
Izuku's eyes widened to the size of saucers at the reminder, and he descended into a panicked muttering spree as he picked his stuff up and prepared to rush home. He was only stopped by the weight of All Might's hand on his shoulder.
"You haven't had a chance to train your power, so be prepared for some real kickback when you use One for All. There's no time for me to explain how it works, but remember this: When you use One for All, clench your buttocks and cry out from the bottom of your heart. SMASH!"
"Smash… I like the sound of that." Izuku knew that it was definitely translating All Might's signature attack phrase to something highly inappropriate.
"Good luck out there, kid."
"Wait! How am I supposed to explain my new power? It doesn't really make sense if I suddenly become as strong as you when all I'm supposed to have is a talking sausage." Izuku's concern made All Might freeze in place, and the teen wondered if his mentor had actually forgotten about that little issue.
"I have an idea!" Izuku hated all its ideas. Alas, it laid out its plan to All Might, and the hero agreed to his quirk's explanation. Admittedly, the ruse it came up with was actually quite believable, but it was also something he would like to avoid telling people about as much as possible. It was just that scarring to his already pathetic reputation.
And with that, Izuku rushed back home to clean himself up and get ready for the entrance exams. He didn't even notice when it didn't speak to him once during the whole way home.
And that's the end of this chapter! Not a lot of action, but that's reserved for the next chapter! Took me a bit to get this chapter out due to some school-related issues, but better late than never.
Okay so the most important issue to tackle here is the fact that OFA users with quirks shouldn't be able to handle the power for long without dying. I have a workaround for this issue that kinda makes sense but is also borderline crack bullshit. Anyways, you guys will see my explanation for this sometime soon.
Next up is about Izuku's quirk's name. If it wasn't obvious already, Erectus Maximus is not its name. That said, I'm open to ideas for its name, which will be formally introduced into the story in the next chapter or the one after that. The best names get a shoutout in the story even if they don't get chosen for the final pick.
As for the explanation Izuku's wiener came up with to explain Izuku's sudden power-up, that'll be explained in the next chapter. I'll give a shout-out and brownie points to the first person that manages to guess what it managed to think up!
For my other fics, I'll probably be updating IANF next because plot bunny jumped over to burrow there.
That's all for now, leave some kudos, reviews, and comments, and I'll see you guys in the next chapter!