[Crossposted on FFN and AO3]

Released: 21/10/2021

Previously on Izuku Has a Weird Quirk…

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[ERROR] Midoriya Izuku's Quirk cannot be reached

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Proceeding with alternative option. Skipping recap...

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Back to the present…

"I made it just in time…" Izuku huffed as he stood before the imposing gates of UA. A large sign was propped up right by the entrance, signifying that it was the entrance exam site in bold lettering.

Why do they even need that sign? It's not like you could end up here by accident-

The viridian teen watched as a spiky-haired redhead clutching a metal briefcase ran past him in the opposite direction, yelling into his phone about how he had apparently ended up at the wrong mountain with an extremely large school campus. Izuku strained his ears to hear more about the conversation, but could only make out something about a 'horrible uber driver' and 'Totsuki Academy'.

Totsuki Culinary Academy? Isn't that in Tokyo, though? How bad was his driver that he ended up two prefectures away?

Izuku watched the energetic teen zoom off into the distance before shaking his head to get his mind back on track. His attempt at doing so failed horribly thanks to a familiar voice yelling at him from behind and making him flinch.

"Get out of the way, Deku!"

The greenette followed the advice, briskly stepping aside to let the infuriated blonde steamroll past him. He wasn't really surprised that Bakugo didn't even look back at him once he passed; the two of them hadn't spoken to each other once ever since the sludge villain incident. Even it didn't throw as many insults and potshots at the hot-headed teen as it used to.

Speaking of it…

Izuku looked down at his crotch, a frown slowly forming on his face. He hadn't heard a peep out of his quirk the whole morning, and he was starting to get worried. He had initially passed it off as it getting a little R&R before the big event, but the longer it maintained radio silence, the less sure Izuku became of his theory.

The worst part was that Izuku couldn't even feel its presence. Normally, even if his quirk was being unusually quiet, the verdanette could still sense that it was around. He wasn't really sure how to describe the past feeling… but the way he was now made him feel empty inside.

"What happened to you?"

Izuku didn't even realise he had said that out loud until he felt a weight settle on his shoulder.

He turned around and came face-to-face with a complete stranger, and there was no way Izuku could forget meeting this person because someone with ears bigger than their head was sure to leave a lasting impression.

"Hey there. I couldn't help but overhear you talking to yourself-"

Oh no! He heard me talking to it?! He must have enhanced hearing! Oh, this is bad. This is very bad.

The panicked teen was just about to launch into an explanation to convince the other boy that he wasn't a sexually depraved pervert, but stopped in his tracks when he registered what he just heard.

"C-could you repeat that? I'm not sure I heard you right."

The cheery stranger just gave him an understanding smile - for what reason, Izuku literally had no clue - his elephant ears flapping in the wind as he patted Izuku on the shoulder and repeated himself. "You shouldn't be ashamed of having erectile dysfunction, man. Just because you can't get it up doesn't mean you can't be a hero. All you need is a little burst of confidence and you'll be right as rain in no time."

Izuku had no words.

"I-bu-whu? I'm not- I don't- What?"

Completely oblivious to Izuku's confusion, the Dumbo-cosplayer surged onwards with his misplaced consolation. "Don't worry, man. I won't tell anyone about your little technical issue. Guys like us gotta stick together, you know?"

Izuku did not know. He did not want to know. And he prayed to whatever deity was out there that he would never have to know.

"L-look, I don't know what you think you know about knowing but-"

He was interrupted by a rather heavy parting slap on his back that should not have been possible given the boy's diminutive stature, said boy already walking away towards the school's entrance while flashing a thumbs-up over his back.

Even though it wasn't a very heroic line of thinking, Izuku wished the elephant kid didn't pass the entrance exams so that rumors of him having ED didn't get passed around. It would be more than enough to quickly become the embarrassment of the school if - no, when - he gets in.

However, the encounter reminded Izuku of something important, and he glanced back down at his groin with a thoughtful expression.

Ever since his quirk manifested, he had lost all control over a male's most prized and protected asset. Izuku still remembered the horrifying first week when it came into his life… he had ended up being rushed to the emergency room because it refused to let him take a leak. Once it ended up being diagnosed with UTI, it finally relented and allowed him to tinkle.

Not everything was a downside though. Thanks to it having full control over itself, Izuku only ever experienced the embarrassing horrors of morning wood once. His quirk made an effort for that never to happen again, with the reasoning: Standing up straight in such a confined space so early in the morning really hurts my back.

Izuku didn't point out how absolutely fake that excuse sounded, seeing that it was a much lesser evil compared to waking up with his mother giving him a smug and knowing look at the table during breakfast. That was the day he found out where his quirk's evil side probably came from.

If his quirk had full control over his dick, then didn't that mean he technically did have ED? When was the last time he had gotten an erection? Could he still get one on his own, or would he have to beg it to stand up if he ever engaged in coitus in the very far future?

Thinking about it made Izuku feel queasy, which wasn't helped by how tight his pants were feeling. He didn't even bother to question why they felt uncomfortable even though his mother just bought them for him last weekend.

Maybe I should try giving it a little poke somewhere private to try and find out what's wrong. It can't be too hard to find a restroom here in UA, right?

"WELCOME BOYS AND GIRLS TO TODAY'S LIVE PERFORMANCE! EVERYBODY SAY 'HEY'!"

Present Mic's shout was met with an amazing reception of roaring silence.

Izuku was too tired to even try and fanboy at seeing Present Mic live and in person. He had spent the past few minutes running himself ragged in an attempt to find a single restroom on the campus, but it was a failed endeavor. Trying to navigate the identical hallways made him feel like a mouse trapped in a constantly changing maze. He could've sworn he saw the familiar blue stickman sign at one point in time, but it had magically transformed into a supply closet as soon as he got close.

What cruel architect designed this cursed labyrinth?

In a room not too far away from where the bone-tired teen currently was, a finely dressed rodent cackled into his tea.

Paying no heed to the crowd's unenthusiastic reaction, Present Mic continued, "WELL, THAT'S COOL, MY EXAMINEE LISTENERS! I'M HERE TO PRESENT THE GUIDELINES OF YOUR PRACTICAL! ARE YOU READY?! YEAH!"

This time there was a response: the sound of chirping crickets that was definitely from someone's quirk.

"TOUGH CROWD, EH? THAT'S FINE, I'LL JUST GET RIGHT TO THE POINT!" It spoke leagues about Present Mic's tenacity and performer ethic that he was able to ignore the relieved sighs from a large majority of the audience.

"THIS IS HOW THE TEST WILL GO, LITTLE LISTENERS! YOU'LL BE EXPERIENCING TEN-MINUTE-LONG 'MOCK CITYSCAPE MANEUVERS' AND YOU CAN BRING ALONG WHATEVER YOU WANT, AS LONG AS YOU REGISTERED IT AS A SUPPORT ITEM BEFOREHAND! AFTER THIS PRESENTATION…"

Izuku wasn't able to pay attention for long, his mind still occupied with the fear of actually having ED. Wasn't he too young to have something like that? He still had his whole life ahead of him!

He risked a peek at the blonde sitting right next to him, wondering if it was worth it or not to break their awkward yet peaceful vow of silence in order to alleviate his woes.

"Stop looking at me, nerd."

Izuku nearly jumped out of his seat with an unmanly shriek, evidently surprised that Bakugo was the one to initiate the conversation.

"S-sorry, Kacchan. I was just thinking about asking y-you a q-question is all." Izuku looked at his ex-best friend right after stammering out the question, feeling both relieved and panicked that the blonde was just staring at him expectantly with one eyebrow raised.

"I w-was just wondering what you do to g-get…" Izuku mumbled, trailing off the longer he spoke until the last part of his sentence was barely audible.

"Hah?! Speak up, Deku!"

"Iwasjustwonderingwhatyoudotogetanerection!" Izuku hurriedly whisper-shouted, instantly clamping his hand over his mouth right after he finished speaking.

Bakugo stared back at him with an unreadable expression, and Izuku found that much more terrifying than the spiky-haired boy's usual resting bitch face. Was he about to yell obscenities at him? Become even more disgusted with him than he probably already was? Do the worst possible thing and tell Izuku's mother about this whole encounter?

"Is… is this your weird way of coming out of the closet, Deku?"

Izuku was wrong. This was the worst possible thing Bakugo could do.

"W-what? N-no! Kacchan, why would you- I- Nevermind. Just forget I ever said anything," Izuku sighed as he slumped back into his seat.

What was I thinking, asking Kacchan for help on this? I need to get my head checked.

"I wish you never told me anything in the first place," Bakugo grumbled.

"-you, with the curly hair! And, you, with the spiky hair!" The two teens sporting the aforementioned hairstyles turned their heads to face the one speaking; a bespectacled teen pointing in their direction like he was exposing the scum of society. "The two of you have been jabbering with each other this whole time, and it is highly distracting! If this is nothing more than a game to the two of you, then please leave immediately!"

Not one to take an insult straight to his face without retaliating, Bakugo stood straight up, his hands already sparking and popping. It took all of Izuku's strength to stop the enraged boy from charging forward, taking a brief moment for himself to be surprised by how much stronger he had actually gotten that he was able to pull Bakugo back down.

"What'd you say you stuck-up extra?! I'm gonna come over there and fuck you- get off me, Deku! I need to blow that- get your hands off my mouth! You better hope you're not in my test site, or else I'll pound you- alright, fine! I'll stop, you damn nerd!"

None of the other examinees sitting around them commented on how wrong the seething teen's cut-off sentences sounded, although one or two of them did have their phones out to record the whole thing.

Izuku spent the rest of the orientation keeping the rabid dog sitting next to him as calm as possible, already dreading the exams and praying that it would wake up soon.

The test site is huge!

Izuku was shaking like a leaf as he stared forward at the gigantic bronze doors separating the examinees from the testing grounds. Looking around him, he could see that everyone else was confidently doing stretches and last-minute checks on their equipment. He, on the other hand, was more nervous than a common thug facing All Might, and that wasn't even counting the fact that his 'equipment' was currently faulty.

Duck.

Izuku instinctively followed the guidance, turning around as he did so and coming up face-to-face with the muscular teen that had yelled at him and Bakugo earlier. The blue-haired boy's left arm was outstretched like he was about to grasp him by the shoulder, and Izuku was thankful that it had warned him. His recent experiences with being held by the shoulder has given him a healthy fear of the act.

Wait, you're back!

Izuku didn't get a chance to hear if it replied, because the stern boy standing opposite him started speaking. "Why are you here, hm? Are you part of the test from UA? Someone who was added into the exams to disrupt the order and cause chaos?"

"I- what?"

How many misunderstandings am I going to get roped into today?!

"-AND… BEGIN!"

All of the examinees looked up at the towering skyscraper in the distance that Present Mic stood atop of, all of them wearing the same dumbfounded expression on their face.

"WHAT'S WRONG, LITTLE LISTENERS? THE TEST'S STARTED! RUN! RUN!"

That'll show them for not shouting along with me earlier, Present Mic thought with a satisfied smirk as he watched the examinees belatedly rush forward right after his announcement.

Meanwhile, back on the ground, Izuku was still reeling from the sudden dispatch. It took him a few precious seconds to notice that everyone else had already dashed into the fake city, and he was the only one left still standing around.

Don't use All Might's power.

"What? Why not? How am I supposed to pass the exam without it?!" Izuku screeched as he gripped his dick through his track pants and started choking the life out of it. "You can't just stay silent all day then give me such vague advice!"

Trust me.

"Trust you? Trust you?! Do you even have a plan for us to pass the exams if I can't use All Might's power?"

Trust. Me.

Izuku growled in annoyance, choosing to ignore his quirk for now and focus on actually getting into the exam site. He was about to head away from the sounds of fighting and look for any stray robots that might've been passed by, but it suddenly spoke up again.

30 meters to your right.

"What? What's 30 meters to my right?" It didn't answer, and Izuku was left with the choice of following his quirk's advice or trying to do his best on his own. His choice was made for him once he heard the unmistakable sound of a cry for help in the exact direction it told him to go. Wasting no time, he pivoted on his heel and sprinted down the adjacent alleyway, only screeching to a halt once he came across the source of the cries.

A silver-haired girl was sprawled out on the ground, one hand clutching a bloody leg while the other was raised in front of her like her last defense against the one pointer robot looming over her.

What should I do? What should I do?

The memory of the sludge villain incident surfaced in his mind, and he recalled how he was able to distract it momentarily. He quickly reached for a rock the size of his fist lying on the pavement, and sent it hurtling at the green machine. The projectile bounced harmlessly off the robot's metal hide, leaving barely a dent. His other goal was accomplished though, because now the one pointer's focus was solely on Izuku.

Crap, I didn't think this far ahead.

A loud whirring sound started up from the robot's right arm, and Izuku's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets at the sight of the rotating gatling gun aimed right at him. He dove behind a nearby car mere seconds before the droid started shooting, the storm of bullets peppering the vehicle with holes and transforming it into something resembling swiss cheese. The shooting suddenly stopped, and Izuku risked a peek around the side of the car to see what happened.

The silver-haired girl was now on her feet, her right arm glowing an ethereal purple, buried inside the one pointer's metal skull. She seemed exhausted and out of breath, but she didn't look as messed up as the first impression Izuku got of her was.

"Thanks for that. I didn't have enough time to charge up my punch so I would've been dead meat if it wasn't for you," she said as she pulled her arm out of the robot's metal husk, the aura around her arm slowly dissipating until it disappeared completely.

"H-huh?" Izuku squeaked, waving his hands in front of his face as he fought hard to keep himself from blushing at the unexpected gratitude.

Her purple eyes twinkled with amusement as she gave him a playful wink before dashing down the street and disappearing behind a corner.

That was… not what I was expecting. But how am I supposed to pass the exam like this? I don't get points from just distracting the robots.

Trust me.

Izuku's eyes lingered over the sight of the broken one pointer, mentally asking himself if he could've taken the robot down all by himself.

50 meters, 8 o'clock. Make your choice, flesh sack.

Even though he desperately craved to pass the exam, Izuku couldn't just stand idly by when someone was in danger.

Don't make me regret this.

"This year's crop sure is great, huh?" a teacher said as they watched the live feed of the exams on multiple high-definition screens spread out all around them.

"Who do you think will get first?"

"I'm putting my money on that blonde kid with the big explosions. He's sitting pretty at the top of the pack even though all he has so far are villain points."

"What about that plain-looking kid who only has rescue points? He seems interesting."

Upon hearing that, Nezu's focus shifted to a different screen than the one he was currently paying attention to. A small smile crawled onto his mouth at the sight of a green-haired teen buying time for an injured examinee to escape from a horde of two pointers. Checking the current points tally, he was surprised to see that the kid had almost a third of the current leader's points.

"Midoriya Izuku…"

"Isn't it about time for 'that'?" one of the teachers piped up excitedly.

"Why, yes. It is," Nezu grinned, absolutely no mercy evident on the rat's face as he slammed his paw down on the giant red button in the middle of the room.

Izuku collapsed onto the sidewalk in a tired heap. His body was screaming for help after he had spent the past few minutes getting tossed around like a hot potato, and his heart was just about ready to give out from all the close calls he had with death.

"I just… need to… take a quick breathe-"

The drained teen's moment of peace was short-lived, broken by the arrival of a metal behemoth crawling out of the ground like a giant metal mole. Chunks of cement and shards of glass rained down around the zero pointer as it raised its arms up and brought it down, creating a city-wide earthquake in one move.

I'm not distracting that.

It didn't say otherwise, so Izuku assumed his quirk wisely agreed with his take on the situation.

He was about to run away like the rest of the examinees, but abruptly stopped when he heard a faint voice.

"Oww…"

Izuku turned around, his eyes quickly locking onto the brunette trapped under a pile of rubble. There wasn't enough time for him to run over to her and get her out of harm's way, but he also didn't see how he could possibly lead the zero pointer in a different direction.

I need to use All Might's power.

No! Don't use his power!

But that's the only option I have left to save he-

For once in your life just stop and listen to me!

That was the first time it had ever really raised its voice against Izuku, and to hear that tone being used against him - instead of Kacchan or one of his classmates - was quite jarring. The shock made Izuku pause long enough for his quirk to take advantage of the lull in the conversation as it told him what he had to do.

I didn't want it to come to this but… fine. Aim your hips at the robot.

What?

Aim your hips at the giant motherfucking robot!

Izuku hastily scrambled to aim his lower half at the robot; a simple enough task since his target towered over the buildings flanking him on both sides of the street. The metal behemoth was getting closer to the girl, and he couldn't stop the trickle of doubt leaking into his mind in regards to his quirk's plan.

I find your lack of faith disturbing. Anyways, this next part shouldn't make you too nervous since you'll just be following the skeleton's crappy advice.

Like it or not, there were no other options left, so he would have to listen to it.

Stand tall and pull your hips back…

The zero pointer's massive foot loomed over the trapped girl, moments away from descending and crushing her into a pulp. Unbeknownst to the broccoli-haired teen, one of the cameras used to monitor the exams glinted a brighter shade of red as it whirred to life and focused on him.

Clench your gluteus maximus…

Her hazel eyes met his emerald, and Izuku hoped he managed to appear confident and heroic. From the way all hope seemed to drain out of her face at the sight of him, he was pretty sure he managed to accomplish the complete opposite.

Thrust your hips forward and yell from the bottom of your heart!

Izuku was caught up in following its instructions to the letter, so he ended up questioning that order a split second too late.

Wait, thrust my hips forward?

SMASH!

"SMASH!" Looking back on it, Izuku didn't know why he still yelled his idol's signature catchphrase when he already knew something was off.

Izuku felt it before he saw it. Something within him was rising, and it wasn't Endeavor's hero ranking. The feeling felt oddly familiar, and it took him much longer than most young boys his age probably would to recognize it.

He was getting an erection.

In a feat that broke all laws of physics and nature, a highly-pressurized pillar of concentrated wind erupted from the tip of Izuku's penis, tearing his track pants to shreds as the projectile shot straight towards the zero pointer. The wind drilled through the robot with ease, leaving a giant metal donut in its wake. Almost as if for dramatic effect, the burst of wind exploded in the air at the exact same time that the husk of the zero pointer crashed backwards like an overturned turtle.

A plethora of emotions was brawling in his mind as he tried to comprehend what just happened. Joy and pride at wielding such immense power. Gratitude towards his quirk for helping him save the girl. Seething anger towards his quirk because it tainted his first experience with All Might's power by having him utilize it in such a scandalous way. Complete and utter shame at the fact that the exam proctors and other examinees probably saw him.

But no emotion was stronger than the excruciating pain he felt as he clutched his sore dick and sunk to his knees. He hadn't felt such pain since the very first time he punched himself in the balls. Being able to feel something in his groin area after so long was honestly kind of refreshing, although this hurt much more than he remembered.

Why is it red and puffy? Is it supposed to get all swollen like this after an erection?

Of course not, you dense flesh sack! Why on Earth would you even think- you know what, nevermind. This is really starting to sting so I'm gonna dip for a while. Remember, you owe me for this. Also... you may or may not get temporary erectile dysfunction while I recover from this.

Izuku did not want to owe it for helping him like this. Getting ED was also bad.

Look on the not-so-bright side, Izuku. At least there's no way All Might could have seen me use his power like that…

Toshinori - along with the rest of the UA faculty present in the observation room - stared at the giant monitor live-streaming the exam, none of them sure on how to react to what they just witnessed. Were they supposed to cheer? Be disgusted? Arrest the kid for indecent public exposure? Unsurprisingly, Midnight was the first to break out of her stupor.

"My, that is one interesting quirk that kid has. I wouldn't mind getting the first crack at him once school is in session~" she purred as she cracked her whip at the screen. A large majority of the room wisely started to inch away from the R-Rated heroine as she leapt onto the control panels and tried to make the cameras zoom in on the greenette's privates.

"So what exactly is the kid's quirk?" Snipe asked as he played with the brim of his hat.

"I'm glad you asked!" Nezu cheerily replied as the rat pulled a brown folder out of thin air and slammed it on a nearby table. "Let's see here. Izuku Midoriya… and his quirk is called [Two Heads]."

"Two heads? That doesn't sound right." As a proud math teacher, Ectoplasm couldn't help but point out that the boy on screen definitely only had one head sitting on his shoulders.

"Trust me, it makes more sense once you hear what his quirk is. Izuku Midoriya has a talking penis."

A chorus of oohs and aahs erupted inside the room, all of the teachers trying their best to hide their reactions to the sudden revelation. Midnight was still busy trying to remove Nezu's built-in automatic censorship in the cameras, so she wasn't able to hear that important piece of information.

Snipe tapped the barrel of his gun against the gigantic screen, tracing the shape of the gaping hole in the zero pointer's chest. "But if that's his quirk, then how did he do this?"

Nezu shuffled the papers inside the folder until he reached the latest one, a file that was only added mere minutes before the exams started. It piqued his interest that such vital information came to light only recently, but he decided to investigate deeper later. The rat's beady eyes scanned the page from top to bottom, and he couldn't stop himself from letting off a few crazed chuckles at what he just read.

"How interesting. Midoriya-san's quirk registry was updated quite recently, and it explains right here how he was able to crush our little surprise like a tin can."

Power Loader huffed and crossed his arms at that, already making plans for how he would take revenge on the brat that destroyed one of his masterpieces in such an undignified way. Perhaps he would unleash the pink-haired demon that passed the support class exams on him?

"It says here that he gets stronger by not masturbating."

The room let out a collective synchronized spit take. Only All Might and Midnight refrained from doing so, the former because he was there when the idea was brought up, and the latter because she was much more interested in the implications of what that meant.

"So he hasn't practiced onanism for so long that he's gotten that strong? Seeing how morally upstanding the youth of today are gets me so turned on!" Knowing there was nothing they could do to stop or shut up the titillated art teacher, the rest of the faculty just put their attention back on Nezu.

"How exactly does that work?" Vlad King questioned. "I don't see how having a talking prick correlates with… what you just said."

"I'll dumb it down for you anthropoids so I won't have to repeat myself. Basically, the unused sperm cells stored in Midoriya-san's balls turn into a pseudo power-up that gets absorbed by his body. With that boost, he's able to do feats like that," Nezu merrily explained while gesturing towards the screen. "Since he doesn't masturbate, he never runs out of fuel, and thus he can theoretically always be that strong."

Aizawa sighed in exasperation, already dreading having this kid in his class. And he knew this problem child would end up in his class, because the manic smile on the rat's face was quite telling. Not for the first time in his teaching career at UA, Shouta regretted helping Hizashi pull a prank on Nezu. The only silver lining was that the loud-mouthed peacock got worse punishments than him.

All Might - who was currently in his buffed-up form - was in turmoil, unsure of what he was supposed to do or feel. On one hand, he felt proud of his successor for using One for All without any backlash on the first try. On the other hand…

Toshinori looked back up at the screen, smiling inwardly a little once he noticed the girl his successor saved, prying herself out of the rubble and waving at the verdanette to check if he was alright.

Yes, I'll just have to guide Young Midoriya away from using that technique ever again. After all, the last thing we need is another R-Rated her-

"Hey, where'd Nemuri go?" Power Loader piped up as his head swiveled from side-to-side. The rest of the room's occupants followed suit, each and every one of them slowly coming to the horrifying realization that she had probably gone down to the test sites herself to get a better look at the kid.

"Someone stop her!"

I must preserve Young Midoriya's innocence! Or whatever's left of it at least.

All Might quickly leapt into action, rushing out of the observation room and down the hall to try and intercept the woman. He was quickly joined by a band of robots specifically designed by UA's principal himself, all programmed with the sole purpose of taking down the flirtatious hero whenever she had gone too far down the highway to horny.

Don't worry, Young Midoriya. I will save you!

…

With both All Might and Midnight absent from the room, the atmosphere quickly grew silent.

"So… do you have robots specifically tailored to take all of the current staff down?" one of the teachers bravely asked.

Nezu's reply was just to give that teacher a crooked smile, the sight making everyone else present in the room quake in their respective footwear. It would probably be for the best to remain ignorant and leave that question unanswered.

Please kill me now.

"Hey, are you alright? You look like you're in a lot of pain."

Izuku waved off the concerned girl with his free hand, the other currently occupied with massaging his throbbing member. He was at least thankful that she didn't seem to be taking his current actions the wrong way. After all, if literally anyone else saw him fondling his privates while talking to a girl, he might be mistaken for-

"What depraved acts are you doing in front of that girl, you sick pervert!"

"Eep! Y-you've got it a-all wrong!" Izuku turned around and raised his hands in surrender, momentarily forgetting that he didn't have any pants on.

"Oh, god! My eyes! My eyes! Cover that up right now!" The examinees that confronted him all turned away and tried to rub the horrific sight out of their eyes, but it was already burned into their retinas.

Does it really look that bad?

"Well done, everyone. Good work. Here, have some gummies." An old woman wearing a lab coat hobbled towards him, passing out colorful candies to everyone as she walked. She stopped short right in front of him, her short stature making her head level with his exposed pecker. "Your own quirk did this to you… this generation sure is wild."

Before Izuku could refute her assessment, her lips extended out of her face and smooched him right on the forehead. Faster than any pain reliever could take effect, Izuku's broken wang stitched itself back up, the swollen parts receding until the only thing visible was some mild swelling.

As though she knew exactly what Izuku was about to ask next, the old lady launched into an explanation about her quirk, "My quirk amplifies your body's natural healing process in exchange for your stamina. I've left enough energy for you to get through the day, as long as you don't do anything strenuous."

Izuku quickly bowed repeatedly and gave her his thanks.

Maybe I won't have temporary ED now that she sped up the recovery process? On second thought… it would probably still make me experience it for its own entertainment.

"Here, take this," she said as she tossed him a pink towel embroidered with the words: 'Property of UA's Recovery Girl'. "Cover yourself up with that then head to the nurse's office. I'll give you some cream to help stem the swelling."

"Yes, I'll head there right n-"

Izuku was interrupted by a pair of slender yet muscular arms wrapping around him, and a breathy voice whispering in his ear from behind, "Got ya."

G-got me? Is it another villain attack?!

"Don't move a muscle, kiddo," Recovery Girl said in a calming voice as she hefted the supersized syringe she was using as a cane over her shoulder, the sharp tip of the needle aimed right at him.

You can't say that while aiming a harpoon at me!

She sent the needle flying with barely a grunt, and Izuku watched with bated breath as the projectile missed him by a hair and buried itself into the person behind him with a disgusting squelch.

Izuku was about to turn around to see who was trying to possibly abduct him, but was stopped by Recovery Girl reaching up and fixing his head in place. "Don't look back. Just head to the infirmary. Go on."

The curious teen really wanted to take even a quick peek, but the solemn look on Recovery Girl's face made him change his mind, and he slowly walked away from the scene.

Thanks to the choice he made, he was the only one out of all the examinees in Battle Center B that wasn't able to see the hysterical sight of the Symbol of Peace dropping down from the sky with a squadron of robots, all of them holding wooden baseball bats like they were about to bonk someone on the head.

The streets were empty and devoid of people as Izuku walked home, meaning he could try talking to it aloud without being mistaken for a crazy person.

"So… why weren't you around all day?"

"Hm? I was busy dealing with some visitors."

Izuku stopped walking, slowly angling his head downwards to give it a weird look.

"Visitors? What visitors? You didn't get an STD or something while I wasn't looking, did you?"

"Pah! I wish I had an STD. That would mean you actually got somewhere with a woman. But I bet that even now, with me growing much bigger thanks to All Might's power, you still won't make any progress on that front."

"That's right," Izuku affirmed. "I'm going to be a hero, not a harem anime protagonist like you want me to- wait, did you just say you grew bigger? Is that why my pants felt so tight earlier?!"

It somehow managed to transmit how smug it felt despite not having a face of any kind to make expressions, "That's right. If I was Mount Fuji before, then now I'm Mount Everest!"

The size difference between those two is too big! I need to check this out myself.

Izuku shoved his hand down the front of his pants, giving a silent thanks to Recovery Girl for the ointment she gave him that was currently lathered all over his bruised manhood. It also helped him squeeze and measure it in the tight space of his pants without getting uncomfortable.

"Wow, you're right. You did get bigger."

"Told ya."

Izuku was so engrossed in investigating the new development in regards to his quirk that he didn't notice the horrified mother and child standing right in front of him.

"Cover your eyes, Ochinko!"

Izuku looked up just in time to get a faceful of pepper spray spritzed right into his eyes.

The best way to describe the feeling was like Endeavor was roasting him alive, while All Might was choking him to death. The skin on his face felt like it was melting off, and his eyes were clamped shut and already starting to swell. He could barely even breathe because some of the spray got into his mouth and nostrils, so he was left as a blind and wheezing mess.

As per usual, while he was wallowing in pain and suffering, it was doing everything in its power to be of absolutely no help to Izuku.

Ochinko? His parents must've really not wanted a kid if that's what they named him.

While his left hand was busy clawing in vain at his face, Izuku brought his right hand out and waved it around wildly in the hopes that he could blindly block a second spray.

"Uck! You're absolutely disgusting!"

"Whu?" Izuku had no idea why the woman seemed to have gotten even more freaked out than she already was, and it took him a few more seconds of waving around his hand to realize that his palm was probably still covered in white gunk.

"I-ish shointmehnt! Issh ointshment! Sh-not watchu shink iddis!" Izuku tried to explain that the stuff on his hands was just medical cream, but the woman obviously wasn't listening. The fact that he could also barely speak at all probably made things worse too.

"Run, Ochinko! Run!"

The sound of two pairs of briskly receding footsteps were the only sign Izuku could currently make out that his assailants had already left. Since he couldn't exactly walk home while blind and partially mute, the beaten teen sank to the ground and resorted to waiting out the pepper spray's excruciatingly painful effects while sitting on the sidewalk.

"So… that makes five misunderstandings in one day? That's gotta be a new record," Izuku mumbled under his breath.

"Five? I'm busy for a few hours and you already got into that much trouble?"

"I'll have you know that most of those misunderstandings happened because you were gone in the first place. Where did you even go?"

"I already told you, I had visitors!"

"What visitors?!"

"Hello, Izuku. I'm Nana."

Izuku blinked once before looking back down at his crotch, where the unmistakably feminine voice definitely just spoke out of.

"Oh, hi. Excuse me for a second, I'm just gonna… go… pass out…"

THUD

And that's a wrap for this chapter! Don't you just love a good cliffhanger? This chapter exceeded my usual word count by a LOT. I mean… nearly 7000 words? Bruh. Anyways, let's move on to the rest of the end of chapter A/Ns.

First off, I would like to congratulate those that were able to guess how Izuku's quirk decided to explain our green boi's sudden power-up! Congratulations to "Trey" and "Drunken Hamster" for figuring it out! Have some of Recovery Girl's gummies as a prize.

As for Izuku's quirk's name, I'm still taking suggestions. There are two suggestions so far I have my eyes on, but since I'm not introducing the name until the next chapter, I'll still be accepting new ones.

Now let's move on to stuff about this chapter. The cameo from Soma Yukihira isn't relevant at all to this story, and it only happened because I've recently been playing around with the idea of a crack fic where Izuku accidentally ends up taking the entrance exams for Totsuki instead of UA. The cinnamon roll somehow passes with flying colors even though all he knows how to cook is variations of katsudon. Idk 50/50 if I'll be doing that.

The OCs also aren't relevant at all, and are only present for plot purposes. Maybe if they get a good reception you guys will see them again at some point in the future? Who knows?

Now, some of you might be asking why Izuku's dick didn't get completely torn to shreds from using 100% of OFA. I have a semi-acceptable yet also kinda bs explanation. The first part of the explanation is that dicks don't have any bones or muscles, so there's not really much to actually break. The second part is that Izuku himself isn't the one controlling his dick, it's his quirk, therefore his quirk is able to use OFA without taking as much damage as it usually would because his quirk has full control over his dick.

Some of you might also be wondering why Izuku's dick was able to guide him like that, and also why Nana Shimura is sharing an apartment with his quirk. That will allll be explained innnnn the next chapter!

That's all for now, leave some kudos, reviews, and comments, and I'll see you guys again soon!