"Wait," says Abby, hand raised and ready to knock on the door. She turns to Lev, "did you remember the basil?"
Lev shakes his head, smiling up at her. "Definitely, Abby. You're just asking because you're nervous. Knock."
She shoots him a look. "Always analyzing." She knocks on the door three times.
"It's just an observation."
There's the sound of footsteps and the door opens to reveal Eilene in a bright purple dress with dark flowers, her curly red hair big all the way down to her shoulders, a few streaks of silver visible, but still vibrant. She breaks into a big smile, but there's a hint of sadness in her eyes. "Oh, it's you two! Come to visit?"
Abby feels awkward, as she often does in these kinds of moments. "Um, we came to bring you this, since… we just figured your hands are kind of full."
"But that's how I like them!" Eilene responds. She ushers them in and before she knows it Abby's feet are crossing the threshold.
The small casserole dish is covered, but Eilene bends close to it and takes in the aroma. "Ooh! That smells fresh. Lasagna?"
"Yep!" says Lev. "I made it. It's got lots of basil," he says at Abby.
"Oh, gosh," says Eilene, ushering them back to the kitchen. "You know, I hadn't had a lasagna in ages before Jackson. We didn't have fancy cheeses back in Paisley, not after the outbreak. I never thought I'd have one again! Oh, but you Jacksonians are such cheese people."
"I'm not—" Abby starts, setting the casserole down on the dining table in the kitchen area in the back of the house. "Well, I guess I am a Jacksonian, now. And I'm definitely a cheese person."
"Abby likes Olmwood's brie," says Lev, sticking his tongue out in distaste.
"Because it's wonderful, dear!" says Eilene.
"Rupert Holmes says it tastes like a boot."
"Well." Eilene does this thing where she straightens her neck, emoting disapproval. "Rupert has quite a tongue on him. So what will it be, sweeties? I've got all manner of tea."
"Uh…" Abby knows what happens when you get roped in by Eilene. Last time they didn't get out until after nine. Still, they're here for a reason. "Earl Grey?"
"Do you have honey?" asks Lev.
"Oh, always, for you, dear." Eilene swiftly sets a kettle.
"Is Maedlyn here?" asks Abby, sitting at the table. "I mean, I figure she is, but…" For the thousandth time, Abby wishes she was better with words.
"She's been napping," says Eilene with a conspicuous lack of detail. "But I'm sure she won't mind if you wake her. She enjoys company, like her mother. She's just in her room, there."
Lev looks to Abby and she takes the lead. Maedlyn's 'room'—she really lives across town but she's been staying here the last couple weeks—is a short ways down the hall. It's baby blue with a pretty pink flower painted on it, like a baby's room. Abby knocks lightly.
"Maedlyn?"
There's some kind of sound from the other side, like a grunt or a groan. Abby glances at Lev, then opens the door quietly.
The sun's up, but the curtains are drawn and the room is dim. Abby can see Maedlyn's form outlined on top of the covers, in a dress, as always. She's lying on her side, facing away.
"Maedlyn?" she repeats. "It's Abby and Lev. We brought by some food."
There's a rustling and Maedlyn turns over halfway, looking at her. "I'll be out," she says succinctly. Her voice is gravelly, from sleep or… or something.
Abby closes the door quietly and they go back to the table. Eilene's just steeping the tea. When she looks up and meets Abby's eyes, she makes a face of pure enjoyment.
"Ooh, I'm just so glad you two dropped by. My friend Agnes says it the best, 'company's just the thing!'"
Abby smiles in amusement. "That's the whole saying?"
Eilene cocks her head with her signature smile. "That's it! Here, I have, you guessed it, cookies! Oh, I could cut up this lasagna, too. Ooh! It's still warm. Hmm, it's almost dinner time."
"Eilene, that's for you guys," says Abby.
"Oh," Eilene waves that away. "Tell you what, in fact, I have—"
There's another knock at the door.
Eilene's eyes widen momentarily. She looks thrilled. She regains her composure. "Now, you two sit tight, I'll be right back."
Abby watches her move to the front door in this amusing, hip-swinging hurry. She pulls it open, revealing Dina and her husband Dale.
"Oh, sweeties! It's so good to see you!"
"Hi, Eilene!" says Dina. They get along quite well.
"Hey, Eilene," says Dale, "you're looking fabulous!"
"Oh!" says Eilene, as if in modesty, but she tosses her hair. "Stop! Your wife's right here!"
They laugh. Abby shakes her head, smiling.
"Come in! Come in!"
Dina and her husband step over the threshold, her holding her swelling belly. She meets Abby's eyes in surprise then smiles knowingly. "We picked the right time, I see."
"You did, you did!"
"Don't suppose you have any of your famous cookies?" Dale asks.
"Oh, you'd better believe it. Still, you better watch this one," says Eilene to Dina. She pokes Dale's waist. "He loves my cookies." Dina laughs.
"Hey, now!" Dale protests.
"Seriously," says Dina, "more like—" she makes a face and points to her butt.
Eilene laughs.
"Well, that's no kind of problem," says Dale. Dina scoffs and smacks his shoulder.
Maedlyn's door opens and she comes out, prompting the others to quiet down. She looks a little tired but pretty put together, as always. Her hair's tied up elegantly, only a few strands loose from sleep. She's wearing a faded pink dress today. She has her hands on the back of her hips. "I missed the funny," she says poutily.
"Hey, M!" says Dina. Her face changes. "Your momma's cookies are gonna make us fat. That's the funny."
"Well, everyone knows that," says Maedlyn.
Dina raises her eyebrows. "That we're getting fat?"
"Well, no, I didn't mean—Mama's cookies..." says Maedlyn, blushing. She sighs. "You know what I meant."
Dina smiles and puts her arm around Maedlyn's shoulder, leading her into the kitchen.
Eilene sits them all down—it's a bit crowded, but they fit. They settle into general conversation and Eilene appears to be in heaven. Maedlyn's in good spirits as well, chatting Dale's ear off about crocheting, of all things; it makes Abby feel good. She hasn't seen much of the old Maedlyn the past couple weeks.
After twenty minutes or so of gab, Eilene stands up and claps her hands, drawing everyone's attention. "Now, I'm sure you all have very important things to attend to, but with such a gathering as this, there's no way we can't have a nice little dinner together. You wouldn't deny a mother, now."
"Eilene," says Dina, "we're supposed to be bringing you food!"
Eilene waves that away like it's nothing. "Please, I have—" She actually gasps. "Blessed be, I have a whole chicken. Oh, it was meant to be!" She practically sings it as she dances over to her fridge.
"Oh," says Lev to Maedlyn as if sad, "who was it?"
Maedlyn rolls her eyes when she takes his meaning. "Oh, be real, I—" She stops herself. "Abby, did you see the girls today?"
"Of course," says Abby. "Every day, like you said. Should have another round of eggs tomorrow."
"Are they—has Henrietta been…?" Maedlyn says it with a shrewd look.
Abby smiles. "They're good, I promise."
"Oh, good." Maedlyn talks more like her mother when she's around her, it's cute.
"Eilene," says Dina. "Jesse's folks have JJ, I can't just stand them up!"
"Oh, heavens no! The phone's right there!"
Dina sighs in exasperation. But Eilene's probably the only woman Abby knows aside from Maria that runs the show better than Dina. Dina climbs out of her chair.
"Babe, I can—" starts Dale.
"Oh, stop," says Dina, picking up the receiver.
"So what will it be, then…" says Eilene. She doesn't use recipes. She's looking up into space and counting on her fingers. "Red pepper rub… Lemon pepper—I do have lemons… black spice, but I can't do it like Agnes… Darlin'?"
Maedlyn is looking up at her mother with her head in her palm. She pushes out her chair and stands up. "Well, I do believe Dale prefers lemon pepper, but Lev is averse."
"It's okay!" Lev says quickly.
"No, no," says Maedlyn, "how about garlic? Do you have garlic butter? Of course you do. And thyme, I'm sure…"
Just like that, they're off. Dina's gotten through to Jesse's parents and they sound amenable.
"I just feel bad…" says Dina into the receiver. "Oh, I know. Oh, I do! Oh, I love you two so much. But hey, I don't want to disappoint him, I should tell him myself. Yeah, sure." There's a lull, then she breaks out into her full mommy voice. "Oh, hey there, my little baby! I'm doing good! We're going to have chicken! Oh, yes, I know. Your R's are so good! Yep, that's right! Baby, listen, I'm visiting friends, so I'm going to be by a little later, okay? Oh, I know, sweetie, but gammy's gonna make fishy! Yes, she told me! Uh oh, I spoiled the surprise…"
"Um," says Lev in Eilene's direction, "can we help?"
"Oh, no, dear!" says Eilene. "This is a lady's kitchen. The gentlemen may entertain themselves."
Abby doesn't know if she's supposed to be included in the 'gentlemen' or not. Still, Dale is happy to engage them on the newest tech project Mackey's given him. Mackey's gotten exactly one old laptop to fire up and more or less function, and he's determined to get Dale to repeat the result.
"I remember when Mackey was trying to sell Maria on it for inventory and stuff," says Dale. "He kept explaining until Maria was eventually like 'I am familiar with the uses of a personal computer, Mackey.'" Dale laughs. "Oh, he got all embarrassed."
As soon as Dina gets off the phone, she moseys right on into the kitchen with Maedlyn and her mom. Her presence isn't questioned for a moment—she's a terrific cook. There follows some dispute, though.
"If you're gonna use that little thyme, why use any at all?" asks Dina.
"Well, there's something to be said for subtlety," says Eilene. Cooking and baking are the only subjects Abby has ever seen her get defensive over.
"We've only just begun with the herbs, Dina," says Maedlyn. "Look here, I think we need some of this… and this… here, where's the paprika? Mama, did you move it?"
"It's over here, sugar. What should we do for the inside? Lord preserve me from a dry chicken. I don't have a can—do you know old Elmer uses the same can over and over? Now I'd recommend a bottle."
"Honestly," says Dina, "I'm more of a sauce person."
"Well, that's fine," says Maedlyn, "but we're not really doing that. You could bring a sauce next time."
Dina considers. "Oh, I could bring some mama-hy sauce!"
Eilene frowns. "Mama… hee? I'm not familiar…"
Dale breaks from his conversation with Lev about making apple sauce. "It's a JJ-ism."
"Oh!" says Eilene. "I bet it's good, then." She cocks her head. "But babies don't really like herbs and spices."
"Who says that?" says Maedlyn.
Eilene snorts and gives Maedlyn a look.
Maedlyn pouts for a second, then turns to Dina. "But babies don't really like herbs and spices."
Dina smirks, cocking her head as she sprinkles thyme over the bird. "Strange. Mama-hy sauce must be pretty good, then."
Adorably, Eilene and Maedlyn each cock an eyebrow at each other. "Suppose so," they say skeptically.
Thirty or so minutes later, a golden brown chicken, Lev's lasagna, a tray of buttered corn, a tossed salad, and a basket of rolls and butter adorn the table and elbows to elbows, everyone is digging in. The sun is lowering in the sky and most of the light is coming from the golden light bulbs in Eilene's ceiling fan. There's laughter, and chatter about all manner of common things. The air is warm, and almost aglow. It feels really good. It's nights like this that remind Abby that she's glad she came to Jackson. And this is the best one she's had in some time. It's almost like a dream.
"It's true enough," says Dale. They're talking about Lev's sage advice. "If I'm ever in the doghouse—" Dina rolls her eyes at that, "—I walk around town until I run into Lev. Ellie told me he ought to be the town's relationship counselor."
Ellie's name hangs in the air and the sounds of instruments on plates continue, but the chatter dies down and it effectively becomes quiet.
Dina looks at her husband, not angry, but wrinkles show on her forehead. Dale is taken aback and sheepish. Lev is concerned and neutral, waiting to see what will happen next.
Eilene and her daughter wear very similar looks, both looking down at their plates. They're casual, unsmiling, with a twist on the corner of their lips like someone's said something distasteful. Eilene's eyes flit toward her daughter for an instant but she doesn't say anything.
Maedlyn rests her cheek on her hand. She doesn't look up. "Would y'all stop looking at me?" She sets her instruments down and places the napkin in her lap on the table. "I'm going to take a short break." Her chair squeals as she stands up.
Dina reaches out a hand, but no one gets up to stop her. Dale looks apologetically at his wife. She shakes her head in exasperation and just pats his shoulder.
Lev is looking Abby's way. She wipes her mouth and sets her napkin on the table.
"I'll be right back," she says simply.
She gets up and walks the direction Maedlyn went. She'd heard the front door close. When she opens it, she sees Maedlyn standing on the front porch in the orange light of impending sunset. There are a few people about, but it's quiet outside.
Maedlyn clasps her hands in front of her. Her face is almost impassive, but the lines on her forehead have been a fixture lately. She glances subtly, confirming it's Abby. She doesn't seem to mind.
Aside from perhaps her mother, Abby is the only person Maedlyn's seen every day since it happened. Abby has made sure of it.
Abby walks up next to her. "Hey Mads."
Maedlyn scoffs. "You know, you and Ellie are the only two people that call me that."
"It's a good nickname."
"Well I do tend to like it when I hear it, so I won't argue."
Abby leans up against the porch railing. "Want to talk about anything?"
"Not really," Maedlyn says honestly.
Abby just nods. Old Lem is walking down the streets happily enough, one of his hand-rolled cigarettes hanging from his lips. She's about to say something about Maedlyn's chickens when Maedlyn speaks up anyway.
"I knew that girl had a tendency to stick her nose in it, whatever she says about being careful." Maedlyn doesn't meet Abby's eyes. She's glancing off into the distance, wrinkling up her nose and squinting against the light of the sun. "Still, I went and convinced myself those days were behind her."
Abby takes a breath. She tends to agree, but she's not sure how to respond.
"I think back now about those jokes we made about aliens and I just feel ill."
"You don't have to feel bad about that," says Abby.
"Oh, don't I?" Maedlyn replies, meeting her gaze.
"You don't have to."
Maedlyn stares back defiantly for a moment, then snorts softly. She looks out over the tops of the nearby houses. "Forgive me," she starts. "Now, and back there. But you know I don't like it when it's made to be about me."
"You don't seem to mind so much when it's us."
"Yes," says Maedlyn, "a select audience. That may be true. At a time of my choosing, not when—" She glances off again and her face contorts for a second. She brushes a strand of hair out of her face. "Not when I feel like this."
"Why do you mention it?"
Maedlyn looks at her, and takes a step forward, massaging her other palm with her thumb. "Cause I want to ask… Everyone's looking at me, but how are you doing, Abby?"
Discomfort rises in Abby, but she keeps it off her face. Maybe it's the same discomfort Maedlyn's been dealing with, like just now, at the dinner table.
"How are you carrying on?" Maedlyn asks. She's gentle, cautious. "I'm asking for me, too."
Abby takes a breath. She really has to answer. She straightens her arms on the porch railing, pushing herself more upright. She considers. "There's definitely guilt, but…" She cocks her head. "Montes told me someday I might need to make a list. Of the reasons it's not my fault. And I'm entitled to be as shrewd as I want, trimming it down, and down, until maybe there's only one or two things left. And I did. I made it real short. And when I'm feeling bad, I go over the list, and I keep moving." She rubs her nose and sniffs. "I think Ellie and I have that in common. Got to keep going."
"Is that why you're doing so much to help me?"
Abby nods a few times. "That and because I like you."
A smile presses into Maedlyn's features. She takes another step forward and lays a hand on Abby's shoulder. "Oh… does that just make me selfish, then?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Why not?"
Abby meets her eyes for a few seconds. She shakes her head. "Dunno. I just don't think so."
Maedlyn blinks happily, the weight of sadness deeper in her eyes. "I'm glad to have a friend in you, Abby."
"The feeling's mutual."
Maedlyn's eyes drift off, nostalgic. "Things were just about perfect, not long ago…" Her hand slides from Abby's shoulder.
Abby turns toward her, concerned, but Maedlyn doesn't look back at first. She looks up. "You know what really does stink, Abby?"
"What, Mads?"
"I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. I don't know if I should… mourn Ellie. I don't—" She screws up her face and wetness appears in her eyes. She bites her thumbnail. "I don't even get to know what happened. It's not fair," her voice breaks.
"No, it isn't," says Abby, holding her shoulder. "No, it isn't."
"What do you think, Abby?" Maedlyn's eyes carry pain and eager hope. "Do you think she's gone? Do you think she might come back?"
Abby looks carefully and levelly back at Maedlyn. She knows what she's asking, and she knows what she thinks. She's also had a conversation with Dina about this, and she had made her opinion on the matter abundantly clear. Abby is not to say that to Maedlyn.
"I don't know," says Abby. Maedlyn's eyes plead with her. "I'm sorry, Maedlyn, but, at best, I don't know."
A tear escapes Maedlyn's left eye. She falls into Abby's chest, and Abby embraces her while she weeps.
A short while later, they return to the others together. Eilene tries to get Dina and Dale to agree to a game of Scrabble, but the couple refuses on account of JJ. Lev has work early as well, so eventually Eilene relents. She sees them off from her doorstep with Maedlyn by her side. As often as her mother makes her roll her eyes, Abby is hugely thankful that Maedlyn has Eilene right now. A lot of people she knows lost both of theirs a long time ago.
The four of them walk down the street a ways, not to part ways until the intersection of Apple and Corbury. As the intersection approaches, Dina turns to her husband.
"Honey, could you give Abby and I a minute?"
He raises his eyebrows. "Sure." He puts his arm around Lev's shoulders and they carry on toward the intersection, resuming a conversation they were having earlier about the best flowers of the season.
The sun has set and the sky is a darkening purple. Dina approaches Abby under the orange light of a street lamp.
Abby cocks her head. "Am I in trouble?"
Dina looks at her like she's being silly. "I just want to know how things went with Maedlyn."
Abby nods. "Okay. They went okay. She cried."
Dina smiles sadly. "Okay. Did you talk about anything?"
Abby hesitates. "She asked me if I thought Ellie might come back."
Dina's features stiffen. "And you said…?"
"I said I didn't know. She pressed me. Maybe she suspects. But I said I didn't know."
Dina sighs, and presses her fingers into her temple. "Abby, I just want Maedlyn to get through it. How long do you want her to feel like this?"
"Don't make it sound like that's under my control, Dina," Abby replies firmly.
"I know." Dina pats Abby's arm. "You're right. I just worry."
"How about you?" says Abby. "How are you doing?"
Dina looks back. Her face shows only reluctance but there's clearly weight being carried somewhere. "Thank you for asking, Abby, I just want to keep it… with Dale, for now. Just, just for now, I'm sorry—"
"Don't say sorry," says Abby, "you have every right. I'm the same. With Lev."
"Yeah." Dina sniffs. She looks up. "You've been so good with Maedlyn, I'm really impressed. Are you still seeing her every day?"
Abby nods. She thinks. It's right there, for her. Generally speaking, she's more inclined not to share, but this time it feels right, so she does.
"When I was fourteen, living with my dad, in the Fireflies, there was an older couple there. They didn't fight, or anything. They were the parents of one of the soldiers, so we took care of them. Their son died, though. Then the man's wife died, and it was just him left. His name was Clem."
As Abby speaks, Dina's features slacken. It's clearly unexpected.
"Some people go to their friends, to their community. And Clem had us, for that. But he didn't really… he kind of seemed defeated, after he lost his wife. He was very old. He… he was taking it really hard.
"My dad took it upon himself to visit him every day. He'd bring him food, books, flowers, he'd always have something. That's the kind of man my dad was. I remember at one point I asked why he had to do it. Why him. He just gives me this look and says 'well someone has to, don't they?'
"At first it was touching, but it started to get old. Dad would always bring me since it was on the way home from academy. So I was there for every visit. We'd be there for at least half an hour. I started to get tired of it. I would count the minutes… I was fourteen. You know.
"So one day we're walking up to his place, and I tug on my dad's sleeve. I'm like 'dad, are we seriously gonna do this for the rest of our lives?' He gave me this long look and I started to get worried, like I was gonna get in trouble. He explained… he said that he and I couldn't imagine what it was like for Clem—and that made me feel small—he said we couldn't imagine it, but that's not the point. The point is, he was going through something hard. Something we couldn't share or make smaller for him. That the only thing we could do is be there, and remind him he was still valued. Still a part of the rest of us. And that the rest was up to him. And when you think about it like that. How small, and simple that is, that going, even every day, even for the rest of our lives. It's just not that big a deal.
"I let that sink in and it's been with me ever since. I think about that a lot, actually. When I was on guard patrol, and it was raining. When I'm in dangerous territory and just rethinking my life. I think, I can't do everything. I can't take the bullets that killed my friends. I can't protect every civ, but I can do this, right now. It's easy enough. And after I broke the news to Mads—" Her voice almost breaks and Abby turns away for a second. Those terrible moments are burned into her memory. After she's explained for the second time, and Maedlyn just keeps staring at her, like she's waiting for her to finish, to start making sense or say it was a joke.
Abby exhales. "After I broke the news to Maedlyn, I knew it would be like that with her, too. As long as she needs it."
Dina stares back at her with an open expression, lips parted. There's something in her eyes that makes Abby feel deeply uncomfortable. Her eyes dart to the side against her will.
Dina closes her lips and regains her usual look. "Your dad sounds like an amazing man."
Abby doesn't feel like responding to that, so she just nods.
"We do share this one, though," says Dina. "In our way. We knew Ellie, too."
Something tenses in Abby. "It's true."
Dina reaches up and squeezes Abby's arm. "Take care, Abby. See you soon."
Dina walks back toward the others, presumably to send Lev her way. Abby waits until she has gone far enough away that she definitely won't hear her say it.
"Know," says Abby under her breath. "We know Ellie, too."
Arnold finishes Ellie's drink with a tip of water into the whiskey glass, and slides it over to her. She picks it up and takes a sip. It tastes like vanilla and home.
"Is there whiskey in this water?" she asks him.
He cocks an eyebrow and moves down the bar.
Ellie senses Dina approaching behind her. "You just here to drink, or what?" Dina asks tauntingly.
"No way, dude," Ellie replies, but when she sees Dina is inviting her to dance, she almost regrets her words.
Smirking, Dina takes Ellie's hand and pulls her out onto the dirty wooden dance floor. The room spins around them, and Ellie just sees Dina's smiling face. It touches a deep place for Ellie, but for once, she lets it. It feels like a fire has been stoked in her chest. She breaks out into a laughing smile for the first time in a long time.
As Dina turns her around, Ellie catches glimpses of folks. Maria is holding a glass of whiskey and chatting with a weathered gentleman in a dark, wide-brimmed hat on the other side of the bar. Abby is holding JJ's hands as he dances erratically, a huge smile on his face. Abby spins him around. He laughs, and she rolls her eyes at Ellie.
Joel and Tommy are holed up in a booth across the room. Joel gestures to her and Dina and says something low to Tommy and they both laugh, like somehow Ellie wouldn't notice. She sticks her tongue out at them.
After spinning what feels like forever, Ellie breaks away from Dina as the song dies down. "Good grief! Let me get some air! I'm gonna hurl…" She stumbles back to the bar and to the lemon square she hadn't finished. Wait, was this hers, or Clint's?
"You were sure having fun!" Lev points out. He's sitting next to Wendy at the bar, watching the dancers. She's got a pink dress and a big pink bow.
"Not as much as Dina." Ellie takes a bite of the lemon square. It tastes like pine, dust, and the long road.
"Have you said hi to everyone?" Wendy asks suggestively. "Don't forget!"
"Huh?" Ellie says, but she knows what she means. She turns over shoulder and across the bar, there's Maedlyn.
The lights dim and the music and figures around her become almost inaudible, to the point it may as well just be the two of them.
Maedlyn is wearing a white dress with red plaid stripes, and a little apron, just like the first time Ellie saw her. She has her hands clasped over her belly, almost apprehensively. Her delicate features are slightly wrinkled, incredulous. "El…" She breaks into a smile. "You aren't all danced out, are you?"
Every now and then, the heavens gift Ellie with the perfect, confident smirk. She shakes her head and stands up from the bar.
"Be back soon!"
Ellie starts. It's Maedlyn's voice, but it's coming from somewhere else. She looks, Maedlyn is waving to her from the top of the chicken roost. How is that possible?
"Honestly, thinking about it is just making me want to grab you and run." Abby stands on the other side of her, brow furrowed, staring down the ridge. She turns to Ellie, her eyes widening. "Ellie?"
Colors form around her and a ruthless hand grabs her and begins pulling her down.
"Ellie!" Abby screams.
Ellie starts at the same moment thunder hits the window next to her bunk in the cloudy, darkling night. Rain batters the hull.
Ellie brings an unsteady hand to her face. No tears have fallen, but she's trembling.
"Shit…" she mutters.
Kamala snores softly from the bunk above her. Ellie can sense her glow without turning, but she looks up anyway, teeth clenched, because she wants to feel as close as possible to it. It's the only thing around her that feels warm.
Kamala doesn't stir, and Ellie has no intention of waking her. She bunches up her knees under the blankets and wraps her arms around them. She rocks back and forth gently. She knows it's coming. Sometimes it comes on slow, sometimes fast. This time it's slow. But sooner than later, the first tear falls and Ellie sputters.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. She buries her cheek into her knee, thinking of every person that she loves, and how she had lost all them on that stupid, careless day.
"I'm sorry…" she sobs quietly.
Then the crying begins.