Chapter 7: Anywhere else is hollow
Lily cried herself to sleep.
She had climbed to her dormitory in a haze, shutting herself in the bathroom to try to think. It was of no use. She left it when she heard the noise of her friends outside the dorm, and rushed to get to her bed, closing the curtains of the four-poster, silencing and locking it, so no one could reach her.
She had only cried that much twice before – after her sister had told her to her face she was a freak, on the Christmas break of second year, and after the incident on the lake following their O.W.L's in fifth year, when Severus called her a mudblood. The comparison to those two moments just made Lily cry harder on her pillow now.
She couldn't make much sense of the fact she just learned. She supposed she needed to wait until the next morning for her logical side to kick in and she could analyse what it all meant. In that moment, her emotional side was in charge. And it was absolutely wrecking her.
She felt like someone had thrown a bucket of freezing water over her entire body. As if someone had listened to her inner dialogue, musing about how she was falling for James, how life was good with him, how she was determined to lose her virginity with him, and decided to give her a wake-up call.
He doesn't feel the same.
That was the only thing pounding on her ears.
The way he looks at you, and touches you, is not especial. He's done that to dozens of other girls.
She knew he had had his experiences but she never had them flaunted in her face like this before.
He followed her like a puppy all over Europe because he likes her.
Her. Nuur. Her friend Nuur.
The gorgeous, almond-shaped eyes, beautifully brown-skinned Nuur.
Kind, sweet, intelligent Nuur.
Lily knew jealousy would be ripping her guts apart the next day but, as she laid in her bed wetting her pillow, the only thing she felt was sadness. Her heart was broken.
Which she knew was a stupid thing to feel.
As soon as she woke up from a restless sleep, skies still dark outside her window telling her it was the early hours of the morning, her mind took over. The emotional side was still present but its logical counterpart had the lead now.
Even if James had had feelings for Nuur and chased her during summer, that was before Lily and him had started. Long before she ever considered him to be someone for her. What he did before they got together, in a summer where they didn't even see each other, shouldn't matter in the slightest. Even if he did have feelings for the Hufflepuff then, Lily had no right to feel jealous now.
And I don't blame you, mate, she's fit as fuck, and she clearly still wants you.
Lily searched her brain for details concerning their interactions in the past two months. Could James and Nuur still share anything together?
She couldn't remember any specific situation where they gave off that impression. Yes, Nuur would often smile to James during meetings but she would do the same to Lily. She didn't remember seeing them talking exclusively to each other or spending time alone just the two of them. But Lily wouldn't know if they did, would she?
James was so hard to read that Lily had no idea when he was lying or hiding his feelings. Even the night before, when everyone looked completely disconcerted with what Macmillan was saying, James was a mask of neutrality. Lily didn't have a clue what he was thinking. Meanwhile she probably looked like she was falling to pieces, entire face crumbling with the news.
Her stomach twisted with embarrassment. She remembered how her friends stared at her in the Common Room, pity and sympathy leaking from their eyes. Because they all knew. They were there during the travels, when James chased Nuur, and during the parties, where apparently they got together. They knew about James' feelings for the Hufflepuff, otherwise they wouldn't have looked as if a big secret had just been uncovered.
And they were probably feeling very sorry for her after she fled the room, looking like a second away from crying like a baby. Poor clueless Lily Evans. Staying the whole fucking summer trapped alone inside her tiny house, as the sad sod she was, while James Potter, the great Marauder, had a blast traveling the world and bagging the gorgeous Nuur Shafiq.
The thought made her insides burn with shame. She felt so stupid. So small.
Her life was so small compared to his. To all of them, if she was being honest. The memories of her summer flashed through her mind, the six weeks she spent not hearing from anyone, completely detached from the Wizarding world as the Muggleborn she was. Even Cassandra, with the same blood status as her, at least enjoyed her vacation, travelling to Greece with her parents. Lily's parents could never afford such a trip, and Lily didn't have any other friends - now that Severus was cut out of her life and Petunia didn't even acknowledge her presence anymore - nor any romantic interests. Lily had nothing outside of Hogwarts.
She had reached that conclusion before but it never stung as much as it did now. She knew she was in no state to be jumping inside that particular rabbit hole but it was too late. The dam was open.
She sobbed until it hurt, feeling every bit sorry for herself as her friends had done the night before. But they did it only out of pity for her to be finding out that her date was actually seeing somebody else not long ago and that he might still have feelings for another girl. Lily pitied her entire situation in life. Her schizophrenic status of Muggleborn, never truly belonging anywhere. Completely alone where she stood. The only person who knew both sides of Lily, the one of Cokeworth and the one of Hogwarts, was on his way to join those who wanted to murder her, and the other person who shared her predicament with her, her dearest friend, refused to stand next to her when push comes to shove.
Lily was spiralling. She knew she had gone too far, fumbling around feelings she had insistently kept hidden for half of her life.
She got on her feet, opening her curtains to slip out of bed. She charmed a parchment to fly inside Cassandra's bed, then grabbed her school bag and the leftovers of the cranberry pie of the night before. Ignoring the voice on the back of her head that reminded her that it was James' favourite food, Lily locked herself back again inside her four-poster, ready to spend the next few hours buried in it.
She had written in the parchment to Cassandra that she would be skipping classes that day. She asked her friend not to worry about it but that Lily needed some time to think, without people suffocating her. Asked her to fend off questions from anyone, not needing to specify names because her friend would know who she meant, and to talk with the professors on her behalf, explaining how Lily was sick and couldn't make it to their lessons. Lily hoped that the fact that this was the first time she didn't show up for classes in a year, maybe even longer, would help her garner understanding from the teachers.
They had Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts in the morning and Lily had Arithmancy alone after lunch. Lily could get the notes from Cassandra for the first and, she thought with a defeated sigh, ask Akins for the Arithmancy ones. She was grateful they didn't have any N.E.W.T's prep training that day, although they did have one the next day, so Lily really needed to get her shit together, and soon.
She just couldn't make herself face anyone today with all the thoughts that were swirling in her mind. She had gone too deep and she was losing control. She leaned back against the headboard of her bed and let the feelings wash over her.
By the time she heard the first sounds of her friends waking up, Lily was out of tears. She listened carefully to the whispered voices of her roommates, trying not to bother her while they got ready for the day. At some point, Elizabeth asked Cassandra if they should wake up Lily for breakfast, to which her best friend replied they should go on without her. A few minutes later, Lily heard hustling noises of people leaving the room and, in the next, a gentle voice outside her curtain.
- I'll bring some food for you after lunch, yeah?
Lily didn't reply and even if she had, the bed was silenced so Cassandra wouldn't hear it anyway. Lily's heart, nevertheless, wrenched with hurt thinking of how much she loved her friend and how harrowing it would be when Hogwarts was over and they parted ways to different fates.
Lily ate the cranberry pie without thinking of James. She thought of herself, her place in the world, her life choices, the Libatius Borage programme, her progress as Head Girl, her priorities.
She thought of Severus and Petunia. Her lost bonds.
She thought of Marlene and Elizabeth. Her limited, inextensible friendships.
She thought of Cassandra. Her heart with an expiration date.
Then she thought of her duelling abilities and the Pureblood insults, the disturbing Daily Prophet news and her leadership traits, the openings in the Auror Academy and her six N.E.W.T's.
She might be alone but she wasn't lost. She knew exactly what she was doing with her life.
And even if her life was small, Lily wasn't.
Cassandra brought Lily lunch and dinner, the first of which she placed outside of Lily's four-poster bed, quickly leaving the room to get back to class, and the latter, calling her friend softly to open the curtains. Lily was halfway through a nap but straightened herself up and did as Cassandra asked.
Cassandra sat next to Lily in the bed, leaning against the headboard while Lily ate the mashed potatoes with corn that her friend had brought her. They were thankfully alone in the dorm.
- How are you feeling?
Lily swallowed her food, shrugging lightly.
- Been better.
Cassandra squeezed Lily's thigh.
- Want to talk about it?
- Not yet – Lily replied, pausing to finish off the side of the corn, pulling it with her teeth. - I spent the day spiralling, just got back in control now. I think I need a break before going back at it.
- Spiralling about what?
Lily couldn't tell her friend everything. Nor did she want to. Some of it was private to her and no one else. But she needed to say something. Their inevitable, unavoidable future distance didn't need to start right now.
- About my life. About my lack of experience, the choices I've made, the people around me. - Lily snorted. - You name it, I probably freaked out about that too.
Cassandra frowned, looking torn. Lily knew she wanted to ask her to elaborate and, at the same time, wanted to respect Lily's wishes of not bringing the topic back up. Lily made it easier for her.
- Long story short, I guess I had a sore point regarding the summer. How I spent it mostly alone, away from the Wizarding world and the people in it, and stuck at home with bloody Petunia and my clueless parents.
Cassandra's lips shrouded into a thin line.
- I didn't know you felt that way.
- Neither did I, Cassie. - Lily patted her friend's shoulders, offering her a comforting smile. - It wasn't until yesterday and the reminder that the Marauders and the girls had a blast of a summer together, that I realized how left out I felt.
Cassandra sighed, rubbing a hand on her forehead.
- Shit, I had no idea.
- Hey, hey – Lily called, pulling her friend's hand away from her forehead. - Don't feel bad about that. You came to see me when you could. It's not about you. And, you know, it's not about the girls either, I don't blame them. I mean, they were busy, I understand. I don't blame anyone, actually - Lily hesitated, knowing that they threaded a sensitive topic. - It's just that old complicated puzzle into which all Muggleborns find themselves one way or another. Which world to belong to.
- You belong in the Wizarding world, Lily. You are a witch.
Lily sighed.
- I know, Cassie. It's just hard to remember that when I'm not in Hogwarts. When I'm in the middle of fucking Cokeworth, away from everything that's magic, for weeks on end without seeing any of my friends, this is a bit of a trickier conclusion to get to.
Cassandra opened her mouth to retort, as usual not being able to grasp what Lily was telling her - the complexity of the things surrounding them, that weren't neatly divided into black and white - but was interrupted by Marlene and Elizabeth entering the room.
- Lily, love.
Lily did her best to smile warmly at them. She wasn't upset with her friends, per se. She meant it when she said she didn't blame them. Yet she couldn't help the pang of resentment when she remembered they were there with James when he was together with another girl, while Lily was completely forgotten in an insignificant English town. She also remembered the pity looks they sent her away the night before. That pierced straight into Lily's pride.
- Hi, girls. - Lily said, busying herself with her food to avoid having to look her friends in the eye.
- Are you alright? I don't think I remember last time you missed a class. – Marlene rushed to sit at the foot of the bed, reaching to touch Lily's knees.
- I'm alright now, thank you. I just needed to take the day off to rethink some things, but I'll be back tomorrow, don't worry.
- Oh, Lily. I hope you didn't rethink your relationship with James! – exclaimed Elizabeth, with a troubled expression. - What Macmillan said was completely delusional, James didn't chase Shafiq at all, they only hooked up for a few weeks when -
- Lizzie, Lily doesn't need to know any of that – hissed Marlene, interrupting her best friend.
- Why don't I? - asked Lily, stomach starting to boil as they returned to the subject she had avoided with herself the whole day. It had been too much for her to deal with all the baggage relating to her blood status and her place in the world, plus the knowledge that James was somehow intertwined with a good friend of hers. She had preferred to ignore the second part, while her emotional side was still too worked up.
Now Marlene and Elizabeth were bringing it all back to the table, the former claiming that Lily didn't need to know what'd happened.
- Because it doesn't matter, Lily. It was before you two got together, it makes no difference whatsoever in your relationship now.
- If you think that way, then why did you react like a big bomb had just been dropped in the middle of the Common Room?
Marlene huffed.
- Because I knew you would act all weird, like you did. Standing up and leaving like somebody had suddenly revealed that James had cheated on you. I mean, for Merlin's sake, grow up. That can't obviously be farther from the truth!
- Marlene – called Cassandra, in warning, but it was too late. Marlene had touched exactly in the spot that hurt the most.
Because she was right. James hadn't cheated on her. James hadn't done anything wrong. Nobody did anything wrong. Because nobody was responsible for the way Lily perceived or reacted to things, except herself. Nobody was in control of Lily's emotions but her.
In the end, it was all about Lily. And she knew, from day one, that she had no idea how to deal with how she felt about James. From the moment they started their tryst, that night of the full moon, Lily was at loss. She hadn't known how to handle the way James completely changed her life.
She just wasn't up to the task. She wasn't mature enough. She wasn't experienced enough. Even though she had dated, she'd never gone through anything even close to the overwhelmingness of her feelings for James. And she wasn't prepared for that in the least. Her life before James was a balm of organized structure and crystal-clear certainties. Even when she was hurting with the loss of Severus, the failure of her relationship with Eddie, the weight of responsibilities on her shoulder. At least she knew how to act. She usually knew what was best for her - if not, she'd take her time and find out shortly. Like she did when she chose to drop Herbology. The answer would come to her, one way or the other. With James, Lily doubted she'd ever be certain of anything.
Grow up, Marlene said. She was right.
Lily had been insecure, self-conscious, jealous. She had chased him around school because she couldn't keep it in her pants, getting late for class, missing out on her time with her friends, slacking off in her responsibilities. She was a woman obsessed and she hadn't cared about that. She was paying the price for that now.
She felt silly. Ridiculous. Freaking out because her non-boyfriend had had a summer romp, before they even dated. She could see in Marlene's eyes how she found Lily to be dramatic, having Marlene herself traded fling after fling in summertime. Marlene would never understand why Lily was so hung up in such a normal thing. And Lily doubted she was the only one. Lily's brain wasted no time in providing her with images of their friends commenting about Lily's overreaction. Especially now that she spent the whole day holed up in her dorm, like a spoiled child.
- You're right, Marls – Lily said, trying to hold the tears of shame from falling down her cheeks. - I'm being silly, I know.
- No, you're not – Cassandra chimed in, shooting daggers at Marlene. - Marlene doesn't know shit about caring for someone. Just because you never let yourself get attached to a bloke so you won't ever find out what feelings look like, – she directed at Marlene, voice cutting like a knife - doesn't mean everyone else is as a cold cow as you are.
- Fuck you, Cassandra.
- For God's sake, stopping fucking fighting! – yelped Lily, finally losing the battle against her tears.
Her friends looked at each other alarmed. Lily wasn't one to cry easily. She had rarely done so in front of Marlene and Elizabeth. But not Cassandra, who rushed to comfort Lily, murmuring in her ear promises of peace. Lily accepted the comforting words, feeling like her eyes couldn't possibly still have lubrification after the day she had.
When she felt herself settling down, Lily cleaned her cheeks, taking a deep breath in, and faced her roommates.
- Please, let's just stop talking about this now. I know I overreacted yesterday, but this is something I have to figure out on my own. I don't want you girls to start intervening and taking sides, and I definitely don't want us to fight. - She held each one of her friends' hands. - I'm better now and tomorrow I'll be back to class and all will be normal again, okay?
They all agreed, Marlene scooping further to hug Cassandra, as if trying to settle the promise that their fight was over. Lily wondered how long that white flag was going to last.
- Are you going to talk to James? He was in a terribly anxious mood the whole day, the poor bloke - Elizabeth said quietly, as they stood up from Lily's bed, getting ready for their night ritual, while Lily finished her dinner.
Lily swallowed her food a bit harder than necessary, nodding.
- I'll talk to him tomorrow.
Elizabeth smiled brightly.
- Good. You know he cares a lot about you, Lily. What happened in the summer stayed in the summer. Nobody is even thinking about it anymore.
I am, Lily thought.
She knew she shouldn't but there was no point in ignoring her emotions anymore. She had pretended not to feel what she was feeling for long enough. Shutting down her insecurities, ignoring her thousand questions over James' behaviour, pretending she didn't care about his fucking secrets. It didn't work. She was no better off that way. She was worse off, actually. She had bottled up too much and now she was spilling.
Lily went down for breakfast the next morning in her normal time, like she did before she had decided to change her entire routine in order to fit more time with James. She chatted idly with Cassandra on the way, feeling much more in control that day, after having settled in her mind the prickliest of issues.
I am not small. I am as part of the Wizarding world as those around me. My life has meaning. I know what I am doing.
She held her head high as she walked into the Great Hall, somehow feeling that the movement gave her the confidence she needed to go back to her usual, self-assured self. Her self-assurance faltered as soon as she spotted James sitting in the Gryffindor table, looking at her with acute eyes.
He stood up immediately, and walked to her.
- Lily, can I talk to you?
She suppressed a grimace. They had Charms in less than half an hour and she was starving.
- Can it be later? I'm quite hungry.
- No, please. I need to talk to you.
She was avoiding his eyes, only looking up occasionally to pretend that all was normal. But she could still hear the urgency in his voice. She sighed and nodded.
He took her to an empty classroom three doors down the Entrance Hall, locking and silencing it before turning to her in a haste.
- Lily, I'm so sorry for what that fucking twat said. He has no idea what he's talking about, he was only chatting shit, I swear to you.
Lily arched a brow.
- So you didn't hook up with Nuur in the summer?
James wilted.
- Uh, well, yeah, but not like he described it. I definitely didn't chase her like a puppy around Europe, I have no idea where the hell that fucker took that from.
- How long?
- What?
Lily pursed her lips. This was going to take much more than half an hour.
- How long did you see each other?
- Ehm... - James instantly grabbed the hair on the back of his head. He was nervous. - A couple weeks, I think.
- And is it over?
Lily didn't mean to ask that, but she couldn't help herself. The confidence she had begun to restore that morning had long disappeared.
- Of course it is! - James widened his eyes in shock. - I am with you, Lily, I'm not hooking up with her behind your back! How could you think that?
Lily's hands were starting to shake so she hid them behind her back, swallowing thickly.
Of course he wouldn't do that. It was ridiculous she would ask such a thing. But she was ridiculous when it came to him, wasn't she? That was one of the inescapable conclusions she'd arrived the day before. And all of them came back to her in a rush - how she was overreacting, how it wasn't James' fault, how he hadn't done anything wrong.
And now she was making him have to defend himself to her, rushing to state the obvious and looking completely rattled. He didn't deserve that.
- I'm sorry, James. I know you wouldn't - she said, with a small voice that matched the way she felt.
He gave a small smile, relieved that she believed him, and moved forward to touch her. She took a step back instantly.
James frowned.
- Are you mad at me?
- No, you didn't do anything wrong - she repeated out loud what she kept saying in a loop inside her head, tugging behind her ears the strands of hair that had fallen out of her braid, for lack of something better to do with her hands. That also gave her an excuse to not look him in the eyes.
- So what's wrong? Are you alright?
- I will be. I'm sorry for the way I reacted on Wednesday.
He took another step forward and Lily unconsciously moved back.
- Lily, you need to tell me what's wrong. What's going on in your mind right now?
Lily knew she needed to talk to him. She didn't want to do it in that exact moment, she just wanted to have her breakfast. But she owed him that much. And the thought of having to meet up again later to discuss it one more time physically irked her.
She sighed and decided to pull off the band aid.
- I don't think I can do this, James.
He froze.
- Do what?
- Us.
His breath came out in a huff at that, throat bobbing once down.
- What are you saying? Why?
Don't cry, Lily.
- It's not your fault. It's mine. I just don't know how to deal with all of this.
- All of this what? - He was starting to look a bit out of control, his breath picking up pace.
Lily rubbed her face with her hands. This was going so bad.
- You know I'm not experienced, James. Even though I dated Eddie for a while, I never really... - Lily hesitated – I never really struggled with him. He was quite simple. You're not.
A rollercoaster, Cassandra had said.
James just stared at her without saying anything, which allowed Lily to power through.
- Again, it's not your fault. It's just who you are. I don't want to change you. But I also need to know my limits. - She rubbed her face again. - I have been dealing with this poorly since it began. My emotions are everywhere. I think I just... - She kept her eyes close, feeling so embarrassed she couldn't look at him. - I'm just not mature enough.
- But, but – James stumbled, eyes fazed. - What is it that you can't handle? What is so difficult? - He pursed his lips in an apparent attempt to control his breathing. - Is it because of the secrets? I thought we had gone through that in our date, and, and you already know about us being Animagi, I thought -
- It's not only that. And you have many more secrets, you know it damn well – she retorted, curtly.
He didn't reply. She sighed once more.
- It's like I said, it's not your fault. But I just can't get around some things, I just feel so insecure sometimes.
- I make you feel insecure?
She nodded, hating his pained face. She hated that she was doing the exact opposite of what she so boldly declared was her goal in life – to make James happy. How ridiculous she had been. But there was nowhere to go, she needed to finish this.
She braced herself and started.
- I guess I just get hung up on the small things, you know. Why you haven't told Black about us when I literally ran to Cassandra the first opportunity I had to tell her I had feelings for you. How I can never tell what you're thinking or how you feel, because you're always so damn guarded, and I can never read you properly. - Lily was on a roll, listing off all the things that had been bothering her the past few weeks, things she hadn't even named to herself yet but that were all coming out effortless in a rant. - Why I'm always the one chasing you, like I'm some desperate sod who can't keep it together whenever I see you, while for you it's oh so easy to get away from me -
- It's not easy -
- How I spent the whole summer like a pathetic loser stuck in my room alone, with no one to give a shit about me except my muggle parents and horrible sister, going crazy with speculation, thinking about you and your mates the entire time and only getting fat. All the while you were living your best life, not even remembering I exist, traveling around Europe, going to first-class parties and shagging the beautiful Pureblood Nuur.
Fuck.
Lily closed her eyes, entire body shaking now. She needed to stop talking. She hadn't meant to say all of that and she was starting to become unfair. Why was she even referring to Nuur like that? That was what Cassandra did, put people in tidy little boxes and throw away the key. Lily was not like that, and definitely not to Nuur, who was the last person to deserve such hateful words.
Lily took a deep breath in, willing herself to not spiral again. Making an effort to keep her voice even, she finally held James' gaze.
- I'm sorry, James, I'm being unfair. I know I can't blame you for any of it. I mean – she let out a self-deprecating snort – you haven't really done anything. That's all on me, because I have all of these unresolved silly issues. - She bit the inside of her cheeks nervously. James stared at her, looking completely lost. - I think I need some time to figure this out. How to feel less stupid, less small. I'm really not doing great right now and I need to get a fucking grip.
She walked to the door of the classroom, needing to escape him and his hazel, hurt eyes.
- I'm really sorry to put you through this – she managed to say before she fled the room.
The tears streamed down her face without curbs in the corridor. She walked past the Great Hall, running to the first toilet she saw, locking herself in a silenced stall and sobbing until her throat burned.
Lily missed Charms, holed up in the ground floor bathroom for the entire period. Every time she felt like recovering, sobs finally under control, she would remember James' face when she told him she couldn't be with him and the crying would restart. She took a long time to put herself in check, waiting for the tears to dry on their own, then undoing her ruined braid, fixing her hair, throwing a quick charm in her puffed eyes, and surveying herself in the mirror until she looked composed enough to leave the bathroom.
By then, the first class of the day was done and Lily walked to the sixth floor to the Study of Ancient Runes classroom, to her second class.
When she broke up with Eddie, in the beginning of the year, a few days before her seventeenth birthday, it had been very peaceful. Very certain. She knew she needed to break up with him for a few weeks already, especially after spending the entirety of Christmas break away from him and only missing the back massage he sometimes gave her. When she finally decided to end things, she took him to the shades under the large tree they always sat across the lake, and told him that this wasn't working for her. She had thought first of lying to him, pretend that it had something to do with his imminent graduation or the state of the world but, in the end, she settled for the truth. She told him she didn't love him, although she did care for him deeply. Lily doubted he loved her, but she imagined he was willing to make an effort if she wanted him to.
He didn't cry or beg her to stay. He had disappointed eyes but warm hands, which enveloped Lily in an embrace before leaving her behind at the foot of the tree. The next day, and for the rest of the semester, despite Lily's feelings of embarrassment for forcing a pointless relationship for so long, she didn't cry either. She only felt relieved it was over.
She had been dating James for a grand total of three weeks and she was a trainwreck now that she had told him she needed some time to think. Their talk, which hadn't even been an actual break-up talk, had left her the opposite of peaceful or certain. She felt like she was ruining everything. She felt like running back to him and kissing him until she could wipe away the hurt expression off his handsome face.
Ending her romantic relationship with Edgar had also managed to end their friendship, making them awkward with each other for the rest of the term, never going back to what it was before that year. Still, the letdown of not being friends with Eddie anymore didn't bring her close to how wretched she felt about losing James. Not even when she lost Severus did she feel that way. She cried as much then as she was doing now, completely shattered with the end of her oldest and most meaningful friendship, but she also felt empowered. It was like letting go of a too heavy backpack – she missed the weight immediately, feeling weak for not being able to carry it and also stupid for carrying it for too long, but at the end of the day she was better off without it. It was the right thing to do.
Leaving James behind felt like stabbing herself in the back.
Interrupting those depressing thoughts was Cassandra, waiting impatiently for Lily in front of the classroom of the sixth floor.
- Lily! Where have you been?
Lily didn't answer, just surged forward to hug her friend. Cassandra hugged her back, tight, feeling Lily's body convulse with brand-new sobs.
- Oh, love, what happened? - Cassie whispered in Lily's ear, stroking her hair with gentle fingers.
Lily just shook her head, trying to regain control over the sobs again, cleaning her face in her friend's shoulder.
- Did you two break up?
Lily snorted, taking a step back.
- Is it a break-up if you were never officially together in the first place?
- You were officially together. Just because you didn't put a label on it or didn't tell everybody in the castle, doesn't mean it wasn't official.
- I guess you're right. – Lily shrugged. - And, no, I didn't break up with him. I just told him how I feel and that I needed some time to think.
Cassandra nodded, not adding anything due to the arrival of the professor, so they just entered the classroom, sitting in their usual place on the first row. When they left, two hours later, they walked together to the Great Hall, Lily feeling weak of hunger since she hadn't eaten anything the whole day. They sat by the far end of the Gryffindor table, removed from the rest of their peers, Lily eagerly devouring the minced meat in front of her. No matter how depressed she was, Lily never lost her appetite.
She kept her body turned opposite to the middle of the table, where she knew he sat, even though she didn't hear his voice or deep laugh once. She kept her gaze averted, staring at her plate or at the friend in front of her. Marlene and Elizabeth didn't join them, breaking Lily's heart some more.
Taking the deepest of breaths, and gathering all of her Gryffindor courage, Lily stood up when lunch was done to go to their N.E.W.T's Transfiguration preparatory class. She couldn't help but make a parallel with their first training of the subject, a month ago, and how Lily felt at each one of them. Back then, in their first prep, she had just become aware of how much she fancied James and spent the entire class being distracted by his expansive presence, sexy magical skills and contagious laugh. She couldn't take her eyes off of him. Now, her fancy had developed into something overpowering. She wouldn't even dare to look at him. But she knew he wasn't laughing. She heard Professor McGonagall approach Remus and him, who were practicing together, and Lily saw from the corner of her eyes how the professor frowned at his odd silent behaviour.
- Good afternoon, Lupin, Potter. All good here?
- All good, Professor – Remus replied.
- Potter?
Lily turned her face, focusing on the task at hand, not wanting to hear his answer. She was practicing with Cassandra this time, Marlene on the other side of the classroom looking annoyed at Lily. She suspected her friend had heard of her talk with James and disapproved of it. Feeling the now recognizable pang of shame twirling in her stomach, imagining how her friend must think she was a fool, Lily looked away, green eyes falling on grey ones.
Sirius Black stared at her with an inscrutable face.
Lily startled, surprised by it. Being difficult to read was James' characteristic trait. Black always made a point to let everyone know how he felt. How uninterested, angry or bemused he was. His face was never closed-off.
It was now. Lily had no idea what he was thinking. He just looked at her, as if he was measuring her, his posture everything but casual.
Lily averted her gaze again, feeling like there was nowhere safe to look. She spent the rest of the training completely focused on the chair-conjuring spell they were supposed to master, only raising her gaze to her best friend, who stared at her with concerned eyes.
- Ehm, Cassie, can I talk to you in private?
They were sitting in the sofa of the Common Room on that end of Saturday morning, Lily organizing the detention slips of the week and Cassandra trying to finish her Ancient Runes assignment, when Remus approached them. The two girls lifted their heads to face the uncomfortable-looking Marauder.
- Hi, Remus. What is it?
- Uh, can we talk over there? - he said, pointing to the corner of the room.
Cassandra made a face, throwing Lily a confused look, but got to her feet and followed the boy. Lily watched them go for a beat, then got back to the papers in her hand.
She had taken to work on Head business in the Common Room or in the library in an attempt to avoid bumping into James in their office. She knew she would have to face him either way the next evening, when they patrolled together, but for now she preferred to stay away. Which was turning out to be rather easy. She hadn't seen James since the end of their Transfiguration prep the day before. He wasn't at dinner nor in the Common Room afterwards, and he hadn't gone down from his dorm that Saturday yet.
That helped Lily feel less disoriented. What didn't help was Nuur coming after her when Friday dinner was done to ask about the private tutoring Lily had promised her and already thoroughly forgotten about.
Even though Lily had seen her friend in class, since she learned that Nuur had hooked up with James during summer, Lily had completely avoided looking at her. She didn't want to notice how good she looked with her slim body or how clever she sounded answering the teachers' questions. She wasn't giving any extra ammunition for her traitorous brain to become even more jealous of the Hufflepuff. It had been mildly effective, up until when Nuur stood in front of her with her big doe eyes to talk about the Defence Against the Dark Arts practice they scheduled to that Friday.
Lily wanted to run away and never see her again. But she also didn't want that. She liked Nuur too much. She couldn't just stop being friends with her. And she definitely couldn't refuse helping her friend when she knew Nuur had been struggling with her N.E.W.T level course.
Forcing herself to be cool, Lily asked her if they could postpone their training to the next day, when Lily wouldn't be caught off guard like she just had been. The Hufflepuff sweetly agreed, as always, thanking Lily for her kindness. Lily had to bite down a guilty grimace, remembering how she bitterly referred to Nuur the day before in her rant with James. The least Lily could do was to be there for her friend when she needed it. But now Lily sat at the Gryffindor Tower wondering how the hell was she going to survive the next few hours with the girl that made her soul ache.
Cassandra returned to the sofa with a reserved expression, after going upstairs to their dorm to pick up something for Remus. She took her place next to Lily again, retrieving her parchment and getting back to work.
- What did he want? - asked Lily, curiously.
- He asked if I still had some of my hungover cure left.
Lily snorted.
- Big night last night, was it? Though Remus didn't look that bleak.
- It's not for him, it's for Potter.
Lily had been sorting through the slips on her lap, but raised her head abruptly at that.
- Oh?
Cassandra bit her lip, like she was doubting how much she should tell Lily. She seemingly settled with everything.
- He's a mess. Remus said he's never seen Potter like this before. He apparently got so drunk last night, he could barely move this morning.
Lily's throat instantly closed, tears prickling the corner of her eyes.
Oh, no.
- Lily, I think he really likes you – said Cassandra, with a sigh. - I know you're going through something that doesn't actually have that much to do with him, and I'm not about to tell you what you should or should not do, but – she hesitated. - Are you sure you want to put an end to what you two have?
- I told you, Cassie, it wasn't a break-up, I just need some time to think. - Lily's throat was still closed. She tried to swallow and clear it but she could only taste sourness.
- And are you sure he knows that? Because for how Remus was telling, Potter is pretty convinced you chucked him.
Lily closed her eyes, feeling a tear escape, which she hastily wiped. She was done with crying, enough was enough.
- I don't want to end things. I really like him too, Cassie – she said, voice so low it was barely a whisper. - But... I'm not sure I can do this.
- Why? Because you got jealous when you found out he fooled around with a friend of yours? Lily, everyone would be upset with something like that, don't let stupid McKinnon make you feel like you overreacted or whatever. You didn't. I'd be as upset if I were in your place.
- It's not about that. Or at least, not only that. - She paused to look at her friend, though, before continuing. - Do you really think I didn't overreact?
- No, of course not! I mean, I don't think what happened was bad enough to the point of breaking up with him, but to be bothered by it? It's only natural that you would. Especially if everyone else knew about it except you. I'd be royally pissed. I hate being the last one to know things.
Cassandra huffed the last part and Lily knew straight away that she meant being pissed with her other two friends for not telling Lily. Lily knew Cassie disliked how close Marlene and Elizabeth had gotten to the Marauders in the past year. How they were spending increasingly more time around them instead of with the Gryffindor girls. And the fact that they knew something that would be of interest to Lily but did not tell her out of some sense of loyalty to James, peeved Cassandra to no end. It bothered Lily too, but she had too much to worry at the moment, she preferred to compartmentalize and deal with it at a later time.
- Yeah, I guess I did feel really stupid being so clueless about what happened. And everyone looking at me with sorry eyes. - Lily gave a humourless laugh. - It was a slap in the face of my pride.
- Ugh, awful. I would have picked up my wand and blinded them all. Bunch of wankers.
Lily couldn't help but chuckle. She loved Cassandra's violent urges.
- But tell me, love – Cassandra resumed. - What is that it's really holding you back?
Lily took a second to think about it. To really consider what was the bottom line of the situation she found herself in.
She remembered her best friend's words a couple of weeks ago.
- I suppose it's what you said, about how being with him would be a rollercoaster. - Lily shrugged. - You were right. It is.
- And is that such a bad thing?
- Not really. Or better saying, not always. Like you also said, he's not Eddie, which is a positive thing if you think about it. - Cassandra agreed wholehearted with that. - Things with Eddie were boring, we never really clicked. With James, it's the opposite. And I like how I feel about him, most times. He makes me feel alive, he makes me feel wanted. And I want him. Like, all the time.
- But?
- But... - Lily closed her eyes again, heart wringing. - But I fear it's too much for me. That I'll find myself too deep, too involved, and then realize I can't handle him. His secrets. The way he lives his life. - She opened her eyes. - His fucking best mate.
Cassandra scooted over, coming closer to Lily to hold both of her hands.
- You already knew that, though. Didn't you? Way before finding out about Shafiq. What changed exactly?
- Nothing, I guess. Just how that made me feel. How I reacted to the news. Cassie, I freaked out so bad – Lily added, realizing she hadn't told Cassandra precisely what had happened after she left the Common Room on that Wednesday. - You have no idea the rabbit hole I found myself in that night. It was like a trigger, it took me to fucking dark places. And it made me wonder, you know.
- About what?
- About how I don't have my shit together like I thought I did. How I still have a lot of growing up to do.
- Welcome to the club, love. We all do. We are seven-bloody-teen years old. Duh.
Cassandra said it with a chuckle, voice light meant to comfort Lily. It didn't.
- But, Cassie, that means then that I'm in no condition to start a relationship. And especially not with someone so, eh, so... complicated.
Was it the right word? Lily didn't know.
- Love, look at me. We're never going to be fully prepared for a relationship. We are still learning, a lot. It's never going to be ideal. That's inevitable. So I guess the real question is, is it worth it? His rollercoaster?
That was, indeed, the essence of the thing.
Was it worth it? Was Lily willing to give it a go?
James had so far completely wrecked all her plans. He had bent her life to his wind. And she needed to decide what was she going to do about it.
Walk away or embrace it?
Tutoring Nuur was a nightmare. Lily had to use every ounce of patience and maturity she still had in her body to not snap or give up helping her friend.
They met up at five o'clock of that Saturday in one of the unused classrooms of the first floor, large enough for them to clear the centre of its chairs to practice their duel stances. When Lily arrived, Nuur was already waiting for her in the designed corridor, offering the biggest of smiles that almost blinded Lily. It also reminded Lily of how pretty the Hufflepuff was.
Lily started the lesson by reviewing the mild curses and counter-courses they had gone through in the N.E.W.T's preparatory class. Lily took her time to explain their most important magical properties and use. That part was easy. Nuur sat on top of the professor's desk while Lily paced back and forth in front of her, describing the basic functions of every spell and clarifying their appropriate application. Lily could do so without having to look at her friend, keeping her gaze straight forward instead or focused on the hands she gesticulated as she spoke.
When they were done with the theoretical component, Lily brought Nuur to the middle of the room, now empty, to show her how to cast every curse. Lily decided to divide it in two parts, to make it easier for Nuur – first curses, then the counter-curses. Lily asked her friend to repeat what Lily had just told her and to try and conjure the spells.
In no time, the Hufflepuff mastered the content of their training. Lily could see that all she needed was time and some peace and quiet, and she would perform well. Lily supposed that during their prep class, Nuur had felt all the pressure to duel in front of her peers and to give the right answer to the professors' questions, which hampered her execution.
Lily's job was simple then. Her lack of patience and difficulty with their time practicing together had nothing to do with Nuur's abilities. Or, actually, it had. But the other way around. It just shoved in Lily's face how smart and quick-witted the Hufflepuff was. It was not like she was less talented than Lily at Defence Against the Dark Arts. She was just struggling with her nerves. As soon as she got past them, she became as good as Lily.
Which shouldn't bother the Head Girl. It wasn't a competition. Lily didn't need to be the best, the brightest, the most skilled. Lily had never felt the need for that before. Especially not when it came to other girls. On the contrary, Lily thrived when she saw other girls thriving too. She should be happy, therefore, to see how intelligent Nuur was.
Instead, while she watched Nuur tackle every counter-curse now, Lily remembered James' words when he made her come in their office after she told him she knew his secret.
You're so damn intelligent. It turns me the fuck on.
He had called her smart, sweet and good. She had loved his praise, feeling fantastic about herself. Feeling like she was worthy of him, because there was no one as smart, sweet and good for him as her. Her tutoring class with Nuur made her realize how wrong she was about that. There was a reason why James went after the Hufflepuff. Lily could clearly see it, and it was no shocker.
The green-eyed monster made Lily's body its permanent house.
A little bit over an hour later, feigning another urgent appointment and apologizing to Nuur, Lily left the training in a hurry, rushing to the Great Hall, where she looked frantically for the Ravenclaw prefect Charlotte Payne. She found the sixth-year sitting by her table, already dining. Lily walked to her and asked for a private talk. Lily's head pounded on her temples, and she knew what she was doing was not right but she couldn't help herself. She asked Payne to trade patrol days with her that week, so that Lily would take her rounds the next Monday while the Ravenclaw patrolled with James the next day.
Payne agreed to it easily, grinning friendly to Lily before going back to her table. Lily sat alone in her own table, feeling immensely foolish.
It was wrong to let her personal issues interfere with her Head Girl duties. She was already slipping in her responsibilities, taking care of Head business in random places so she could avoid James. She couldn't keep doing that. She had never changed patrols before, even when she had to do rounds with Rosier or Severus. She prided herself of being professional regardless of the circumstances.
Yet she just couldn't face James. She couldn't imagine spending hours with him alone, walking around the castle, thinking of nothing but how jealous and childish she felt during her training with Nuur. And all the while hoping he would ignore everything she'd told him, just send it all to hell and throw her in a broom cupboard to snog the shit out of her.
She sighed, eating her meal quickly before going up to her dorm, where she stayed until Monday. She didn't leave the dormitory not even once the next day, asking Cassandra to bring her food again, knowing full well that she was acting ridiculous but unable to do anything else. Marlene's glare didn't help matters. She was aware that her friend disapproved of the way Lily was handling things but that didn't give her the right to be so ill-humoured with Lily. The whole day Lily verged between ashamed of herself and extremely annoyed with Marlene.
Elizabeth had been sweeter, approaching Lily in the morning to tell her she heard that James and her were taking some time apart, and that she understood why Lily wanted to figure out some things first. She could see Lizzie disagreed with Lily's view of what happened in the summer still having weight in their relationship now, but she also saw how Lizzie was trying her best to be understanding and respectful of Lily's feelings. She wished Marlene would do the same.
Especially because Cassandra had noticed it as well, and was increasingly getting irritated with Marlene's attitude. The last thing Lily wanted right now was another fight between the girls.
Fortunately, they survived the weekend. Monday arrived and Lily was determined to go back to normal. She woke up in her usual time, having breakfast only with Cassandra but smiling lovingly to Marlene and Elizabeth as they entered the first class of the day, Transfiguration. They sat close to each other, in the front rows, back firmly turned to the Marauders. Lily didn't see James until lunchtime, when again she sat in the far end of the table, away from the boys. This time, Elizabeth dragged Marlene to sit with them and the four Gryffindor girls chatted like old times, when it was just them and there were no complicated feelings shredding them apart.
In their free period of that day, rather than isolating herself away to perform her duties, Lily sat in the Heads' office, faking her bravery. She finished the detention slips she had started in the weekend and organized the last of the prefects' reports of the week before. When the evening came, James nowhere to be found, Lily walked alone to the Great Hall for dinner and stayed there until it was time for their meeting.
She opened the door to their office to find James sitting on the chair in front of the Heads' desk, neck craned to stare at the window on the other side of the room. Lily wondered what he was seeing there but James turned his head to look at her then and she forgot all about it.
It was the first time their eyes met since Friday morning. She had missed the beautiful hazel.
She cleared her throat.
- Hi.
- Hi.
She stepped in, staying by the closed door. James looked at his hands, atop of the desk.
- I'm sorry about yesterday, James – Lily forced herself to say. It wasn't going to make her feel less embarrassed for acting the way she did but the least she could do was to apologize to the Head Boy. - It was really silly of me, so stupid. But I promise I won't do that again. You don't need to worry, I won't slack off in my responsibilities anymore.
James assented, nodding his head once.
- No problem, Evans, I understand.
Evans.
She was Evans again. She felt her stomach churn in revolt, her entire being screaming that this was not right. What the fuck was she doing? Was this over? Had she lost him?
Before she could say anything, which she doubted would have been minimally coherent, the door behind her rocked with the attempt of the prefects to get in. She moved out of the way, coming to stand next to James, who got up, his towering height making Lily's insides tighten. They faced the students in front of them until they were complete, and started the meeting.
James led most of it, collecting their reports and organizing the second Hogsmeade's visit, scheduled for the next Saturday. He answered questions about it, instructed the prefects about the plan to make it as smooth as the first one, all in all just being a perfect Head Boy. Lily could only look at him, emotions crawling out of her skin.
A rude snort brought Lily's attention back to the prefects. Evan Rosier was looking between James and her, sniggering crassly as he shook his head.
- Something on your mind, Rosier? - asked James in his usually neutral voice.
- Nah – drawled the annoying Slytherin. - You know, just thinking how ironic this all is. It's very amusing, if you know what I mean.
- I most definitely do not know what you mean - James replied and Lily could sense he was losing his patience.
Rosier shrugged.
- Just that everyone keeps talking about how great the Head Girl is, when in reality who actually gets it all done it's our Pureblood Head Boy. - He arched a petulant eyebrow at Lily's direction. - It's a great example for outside these walls, exactly how our world had been built, isn't it? The Purebloods actually putting all the work while the Mud -
- If you finish that sentence, you're so fucked, mate - James threatened, hand shooting to his robes where his wand was stashed.
Rosier let out a mirthless laugh, raising his hands in surrender.
- Relax, Potter. I know very well where your loyalties lie, unfortunately. - He took his raised hands and tucked them behind his neck, supporting his big fat head. - But I also know where mine lies. And it really just prickles me to see her taking the spots that were meant for other far more worthy people. Doesn't it prickle you too, Severus?
Rosier said that while staring at Lily, voice leaking venom. Lily frowned, glancing at Severus, confused. Why would he bring Severus into this? Her former friend, though, seemed to know exactly what Rosier was talking about, because he looked immediately uncomfortable, wiggling in his seat.
Then it hit Lily.
The Libatius Borage programme.
- I still have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, Rosier, but Evans earned every last inch of her Head Girl badge, so you better just shut your mouth before -
- Ah, yeah, of course. Because she's the best at everything, isn't she? Tell me, Potter, is she also the best student at Potions in this school? - Once again, Rosier directed his question to someone else while his eyes never left Lily.
- What?
James was downright lost now. Lily sighed, skin burning.
- I am not – she finally said. She looked at Severus. - I didn't ask for it, he offered. And it's a great opportunity so I -
- So you just took it, right? How very noble. And then you lot have the audacity to say that Purebloods take your opportunities away from you, when in reality you're the one stealing -
- Enough.
Lily startled to hear Severus' voice. He didn't usually participate during Lily's confrontation with the Slytherins. One of the things Severus held closest to his heart was that if he didn't say or do anything, and just remained neutral, he could have both worlds. His Death-Eater friends and Lily. He was utterly wrong, of course, but that never seemed to sink in for him. Until now, perhaps.
He, too, looked at Lily but talked to Rosier.
- Lily is as talented and deserving of the spot in the programme as me. She earned it just like she earned the Head Girl badge. So be quiet now, Evan, I don't need you to fight my battles for me.
Lily stared at his dark black eyes and saw there some remnant of her old, dear friend. He was still there, somewhere buried under the weight of his choices. She could never rescue it but it was still nice to know it wasn't dead.
She smiled.
- Thank you, Severus. Now, shall we wrap this up if no one else has anything pertinent to Head businesses to discuss?
They didn't, luckily, and were dismissed shortly after.
Lily turned to James, catching his inscrutable eyes. He had been silent since he got lost in the middle of the argument. She tried to smile, but it came harder than when she did the same with Severus.
- Hey, thanks for sticking up for me, I really -
- Hey, Lily!
Lily was too tired to suppress an eye-roll. Spinning on her heels to the voice of Thomas Shaw, she decided that tonight was the night she would murder him.
- Rosier is a git, isn't him? Crikey! But you held your ground as you always do, that was actually a great demonstration of why you're such a good Head Girl.
- Thank you, Thomas. I appreciate it.
- Don't mention it. And, you know, I'm not sure what they were talking about but I can tell you you're the best Potions student in Hogwarts, much better than Snape, I mean -
- Hi, sorry to interrupt.
Lily spun around again, now towards Nuur's voice.
Sweet mother of Jesus.
What was going on today? Did Lily have a target on her back? That'd be the only explanation for everyone deciding to come after her in the same fucking night. Lily's head was starting to swirl.
- Sorry, Thomas, I just wanted to thank Lily again for Saturday.
Fuck. Me.
- Ah, no need to thank me – Lily rushed to reply, feeling herself flush horribly.
- Of course there is! You took time off of your weekend to tutor me, and let me say, you're a great teacher. I really feel more confident now with the defensive spells you taught me.
Lily was going to pass out. She was painfully aware that James was listening to everything. All of her less-than-kind thoughts about Nuur during their training came flying back to her mind. She didn't deserve being praised like that. She wasn't half as good as people were making her sound.
- You're welcome – she managed to say, faintly.
Nuur grinned prettily at her before turning to James, her smile now something sweeter.
- Hi, James.
Lily couldn't take it. She was really afraid of passing out in front of everyone in the spot. She rushed to grab her bag, apologizing and mumbling something about needing to go for rounds, and left the Heads' office without a look back.
Lily returned to her dorm later that night feeling much more in control. After her hasty escape from the Heads' office, she locked herself in a bathroom stall until she could breathe again. She threw some water in her face and marched to meet fifth-year Slytherin Hector Martinez at nine o'clock to start their patrol.
The next few hours were spent in amicable silence, with little to do as they didn't see anyone out of bed past curfew that night. Lily said goodbye to her fellow prefect without much ado and made her way back to the Gryffindor Tower.
She crossed the empty Common Room, climbing the stairs to her quiet dormitory, her roommates already asleep. She put on her pyjamas, brushing her teeth and hair, before slipping in her bed. She was about to tuck herself in when she noticed the white owl standing outside her window. With a frown, she opened the glass to let the owl in, petting her feathers while she took out the small parchment the bird had brought. The owl left immediately, not waiting for a reply, and Lily opened the letter.
Lily,
I've been racking my brain these past days to find the words, without success. I'm not sure I can be any logical at this point. But if this is the end, then I need to tell you that I understand why you need time for yourself. And that I respect that. I'm not going to try to convince you of anything, you have to do what's best for you.
Regardless of what you decide, though, there's only one thing you must know.
My heart is yours. All yours. Only yours.
And it has always been.
James
A/N: This chapter really got away from me, over 11.000 words! Lol I guess I love some angst.
Lily really needed to face her insecurities, though, and her overwhelming feelings. I mean, she is a seventeen year old, she can't always be mature, can she?
I loved writing it and can't wait for you to find out if Lily is going to embrace the feelings or walk away!
Also, I'm a huge Jane Austen fan and she always allows the men of her stories to explain their feelings in a letter. I suppose I couldn't resist it :)