Hi, everyone. I'm so sorry for the delay! I had a flight yesterday that got cancelled so I got home much later than expected, only had the time now to sit down and post this. From now on, I expect to be updating Thursday or Friday, depending on how it goes.
Last chapter was quite the commented chapter, I never got so many and such long reviews before. I appreciate it immensely! But unfortunately I cannot reply to all of them if they are made by guests instead of accounts, so I will try to do so here, because I just love this exchange with the people who are actually reading what I'm writing. Thank you all!
Nina, you're such a sweetheart, always leaving lovely reviews. Thank you so much! I did put effort to make sure the progression of Lily's feelings wasn't random or without a good basis. I had the fic outlined since the beginning and I wrote several chapters before I published the first one, and that helped me keep in check things that were happening later with things mentioned in the early chapters. Also, it was very important to me to write Lily as a strong, impressive character who also had her insecurities and flaws. You can be awesome and still act immature sometimes. It's all part of it, especially when you're a teenager. And yesss, I love angst too much. I loved picturing James realizing how much he fucked up and getting shitfaced because he lost Lily, I guess my soft spot is men suffering in silence for women who accidentally wrecked their hearts - I'm looking at you, Mr Darcy LOL. Anyway, thanks for the support and I hope you like this new chapter, when we finally see more of James' side.
To the 3 unnamed guests, I'm glad you enjoyed the drama and Lily's outburst. It was time for it! What I like about Lily here, and characters in general, is her willingness to say what she's thinking and feeling. It makes her mad brave. And James as well, as long as he learns his lesson. Let's see in this next chapter if he did ;) Though I'm not going to write from James' POV in this story, it will be only Lily's indeed.
Tara, thank you so much for the long review. I loved reading your point of view! I absolutely understand where you're coming from, and I need to admit it broke my heart to break Lily's heart in this story. I thought a lot about it and I decided it was something she needed to go through. She's too different from James, and in order for them to work, and grow, they had first to acknowledge the gap between them. And of course I needed to bring some angst to it lol. I also feel very sad that Lily has no one to truly be there for her through everything, it really sucks. I intend to fix that at some point, but I'll already tell you that it won't be soon, maybe not even in this story (shit, am I really already considering writing a spin-off/continuation if I'm not even done with this one story? Yes I am, I can't hold myself lol). But what will be addressed in this story is Lily's friends and their shortcomings. I won't give spoilers but we should keep in mind that all of them have flaws and qualities. Maybe Lily won't find one single friend who will concentrate everything she needs in one person, I find it very unlikely to find so in real life, but she might have to understand that different people offer different things. And that's alright. About James, I agree with you in part. He is definitely not acting right, he's holding back and screwing up what he has with Lily. He will learn from that. But my intention was never to portray him as someone who's casually dating around, reckless about Lily and what they have (maybe I did it wrong, which is a good feedback for future stories). Since the beginning, despite his reticence, he's always been sweet to her, attentive, even before they started going out, he always complimented her, praised her, defended her. That was one of the things that did her in. And it def isn't just casual or sexual for him. Right from their first date, he told Lily he wanted to go slow because he wanted to date her seriously and not do anything they'd regret later. The only girl we know he went out with was Nuur, and we learned in the last chapter that it was brief and it ended before he started with Lily. Which can't be blamed on him. Lily never even looked twice at him before seventh year. If you read What's in a name, you'll remember that he talks about how he tried to get over Lily without success. That means going out with other people, and one of them was a friend of hers, who happens to be a great girl, which makes everything a bit complicated. But he has done nothing wrong, except not telling her. This is part of his lack of communication with Lily and the fact he is so caught up in all his secrets, which he really needs to change. And he will. This was an important step to both of their growth. But yeah, it's a Jily story. Lily will not be dating anyone else here, sorry in advance lol. Neither will James, they just need to figure themselves out. Also, regarding the letter he wrote her, it was important for James to acknowledge that Lily needed time and space, without trying to explain himself to her and try to convince her to go back to him. Maybe the letter was simple and short, but his intention was only to give Lily the space she asked for while reassuring her of his feelings for her. I'm very happy you like Lily's characterisation but sad you don't like James' hahaha ;) I hope the next chapters change your mind, if not I look forward to hear what you think again!
Jan, I can't believe you read the chapter three times, this is amazing, thank you! And I agree with you! It's not only Lily's fault, it's def James' too. But I think what's important to notice in her spiralling, was that it wasn't all about him. There was much more involved there, things that will make an appearance in the story later on. James is surely at fault, but not enough to make her freak out the way she did. She had other issues she needed to recognize and address, and only some of it related to the way he behaved. That's why she felt so guilty, because she knew she was gathering a lot of unresolved feelings and issues and dumping it all into what she had with James. Concerning the red flags, it will be all explained in this chapter. I truly believe James' big problem was not communicating with her, but his heart was in the right place, trust me. And, like I said above, Jily will not be dating anyone else in this story, sorry ;)
Mary, I'm so glad you found the story, even if late! Thank you for the review :) There's definitely a lack of trust here, that stems from insecurity and fail to communicate honestly with each other. As I said above, James was indeed at fault and he will learn that, but Lily also did not relayed all her feelings to him. He had no idea she was feeling insecure before their talk. She had never told him about the summer, when she was feeling alone and cut out of the Wizarding world, and how it bothered her when he wanted to go slow. She let it all pile up and, together with her other unresolved issues that had nothing to do with him, she eventually exploded and needed time off to settle herself. Not all of it was his fault and, what was, he has a good reason for it. At least, in my view. It will be all explained in this chapter. I hope you agree with his reasons! Let me know what you think later :)
Joelle, thanks for the review! This story is, in theory, canon, but it will hardly stay so. In my universe, Jily never dies so there's that lol But I agree with you, both of them have a lot to still go through, let's see where the story takes us :)
Rating warning: this chapter is rated E (explicit), for very mature content!
Chapter 8: Guess I should've known from the look on your face
Lily stared at herself in the round mirror of her dorm's bathroom. Her red hair fell in unkempt waves down her shoulders, framing her pale, freckled face. Her lower lip was caught between her teeth as she looked tentative at her reflection. Big green eyes staring back.
She had made up her mind but she still needed to carry out her decision. The thought of it made her stomach rave wildly, butterflies threatening to rip her insides open.
- Lily, you ready?
Breathe in, breathe out.
Lily followed Cassandra down the stairs and through the Common Room. She hadn't told her friend about James' letter. She would swear it was because she didn't have the time but, in reality, she didn't want to share it with anybody just yet. She still held the parchment tight inside the pockets of her robes.
Lily entered the Great Hall as someone who knew full well the difference between chance and choice.
James sat at his spot in the middle of the Gryffindor table. He lifted his head to stare at Lily with deep, full eyes. As usual, she could drown in the hazel.
Lily turned to the right, going around the table to where he was and stopped behind Pettigrew and him.
- Do you mind scooting over, Peter?
Pettigrew blanched in surprise but did as Lily asked, moving to the side and leaving Lily enough place to sit. She lowered her body to the space next to James, putting her legs on each side of the bench so she could face him directly. She raised her hands to weave through his black hair. She gently caressed it, enjoying the sensation of the softness of his wild locks against her palm s. Then she brought his face forth and kissed him.
His silky lips immediately fastened around Lily's, pulling her closer. She could taste his mint toothpaste mixed with his morning coffee. She boosted her body forward, opening her mouth to savour more of him, knowing she could never have enough. When his hot tongue swept hers, Lily knew it was time to stop the kiss before she got lost in his current again.
She moved back, mouth away from him only an inch. His eyes were still closed.
- I'm sorry for being difficult – she whispered, and he opened his eyes to her. - I still have a lot to figure out but I want to do that together with you.
He didn't reply. He didn't seem capable of it. He looked at her as if she had bewitched him body and soul. In that moment, seeing everything in his eyes, Lily finally understood what he had meant.
My heart is yours.
Hers was his too.
She smiled at him, letting her hands fall from his hair to enlace his fingers and turned to the front of the table, to start breakfast. A hundred pairs of eyes stared back at her.
Not only their friends, ranging from confusion to satisfaction, but half of the Great Hall, Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs and Slytherins, appearing like they had witnessed someone drop a bombshell. In a matter of seconds, the silence of surprised faces was replaced by murmurs being exchanged and soon the room was overcome by the humming sound of gossip being passed along.
- So, you're back together, I'm assuming – said Marlene, looking thorn between satisfied and annoyed. Lily could say the same of how she currently felt about her pig-headed friend. Elizabeth beamed at her side.
- Oh, I'm so happy to see you two worked everything out!
Lily turned to Cassandra, who had an eyebrow arched as if saying 'Couldn't you have given me a heads-up, you twat?' but grinned anyway, happy for Lily. Remus also looked deeply pleased, Pettigrew next to him seeming a bit lost, as he always did, but merry nonetheless.
Sirius Black only had eyes for James.
He surveyed his best friend with an attentive gaze, face grave. Lily craned her neck slightly to look at James sideways. He still stared at her, breathing heavily, eyes swimming. She bit the inside of her cheeks, nervous, not used to have him looking at her like that, so transparent.
- Lily – he said, quietly – let's go somewhere to talk.
- I can't, James – she replied in the same low tone. - I've missed so many classes this past few days, I really need to focus on school again. Later, okay?
James nodded, still not being able to avert his gaze. She looked at Black instead.
He winked at her.
By the time they arrived in the dungeons for their first class of the day, the entire castle was talking about how the Head Boy and Girl were dating. First-years who didn't even know who the Head students were talked excitedly about the news. Lily could swear she heard sir Nicholas mention her name and James' in his traditional morning chat with the Fat Friar.
Lily didn't mind. Not when James looked at her like she was his whole world. She could bet he hadn't even noticed people gossiping around them. In their walk from the Great Hall to the Potions classroom, he stayed behind, whispering the entire way with Black, seeming lost in thought.
- I guess you decided his rollercoaster was worth it.
Lily chuckled, sitting in her usual chair, repositioning her cauldron as she gathered her material for the lesson. Cassandra smirked pretentiously at her.
- I did – Lily said simply.
After she read his letter the night before, Lily cried again. She clutched it against her chest as the tears streamed down her cheeks. He hadn't said much but he said enough. Lily had been feeling ungrounded since she had returned from patrol, back in control but utterly sad. She couldn't help thinking she had made a mistake but it was too late and he was gone.
His words were a balm to her mournful heart. She knew instantly that he was worth it.
Not because her feelings for him were so strong she couldn't fight them. She could if she decided to. She had done so with Severus, and similarly with Petunia as well. Lily hurt immensely when she cut somebody out of her life but she did it anyway. Her conviction that it was necessary, and that the person no longer belonged in her life, was sufficient to her.
James belonged in her life. He was so full of goodness. He cared for her and stuck his neck out for her every single time. Even upset, he stood for her in the Heads' meeting when Rosier attacked her. He acknowledged her, in his letter, respecting her wishes and allowing her to make her own choice. He gave her space when she asked for it, never once making her feel like she was crazy for acting the way she did.
He was kind and generous, the most loyal of friends, exhaustively amiable, known by the entire castle for his easy smile and open attitude. He was smart, funny, brave and so, so good.
Lily could never walk away from him. Even if he had wrecked all her plans, turned her life upside down – she was ready to embrace her new upturned life with him by her side.
She saw him take a place in the back row next to Black. He smiled brightly at her and she had the impression that the dungeons were suddenly well lit. Her heart throbbed against her ribcage and she couldn't wait for the day to be over and she could be alone with him.
It passed slowly, though. Lily did her best to concentrate in the lessons, take detailed notes, answer the teachers' questions. By lunchtime, she sat across from James, who looked at her with dreamy eyes the entire time, being mocked senseless by their friends. Remus and Cassandra spent half of the meal loudly narrating James' attempts to guide his fork from his plate to his mouth without taking his eyes off Lily and cheering raucously every time he accidentally dropped his food along the way. Elizabeth, Marlene and Pettigrew howled with laughter.
Black looked uncharacteristically keen.
Lily couldn't care less. Before she left for Ancient Runes, she told James she would be waiting for him after class in their office. They had a free period before dinner and he didn't have practice that day, therefore they had a couple of hours to be together. He nodded eagerly, squeezing her hand before he left for Care of Magical Creatures.
When Lily walked into the Heads' office later that afternoon, he was already waiting for her there. She had barely managed to close the door before she was engulfed by his strong body and demanding mouth. He pressed her against the door, hugging her so tightly she thought her body was going to burst open. His lips sought hers, sucking, swerving, consuming, while he also tried to speak.
- Lily, I... I missed you, ugh, Merlin, so, so much... I-I thought I lost you... Fucking hell, I, shit, I... - he mumbled, making little sense as he tried to kiss her, talk and breathe at the same time. Lily worried his lungs would give up anytime soon.
- I'm sorry, James. I'm here now – she tried comforting him, kissing him back with the same enthusiasm. She missed him so, so much too.
- Don't apologize, love. Don't ever apologize again.- He removed his mouth from hers for the first time since she had entered the room. He moved his head back to look at her, bringing his hands to cradle her face, expression completely serious. - You did nothing wrong. I fucked up, not you. I was stupid and careless and I made you feel insecure. I made you feel small. - He closed his eyes, resting his forehead against hers. - I'm so sorry, Lily. Please, forgive me. I know I already used my chance with you. In our date I said I only needed one last chance and I cocked it up. - He opened his eyes, staring at her pleadingly. - But can I have another one? I swear I will never make you feel like this again. I'd die before I break your heart again.
Lily felt like crying so she just kissed him instead, hoping that it would be answer enough.
He brought her to the armchair they usually sat when he made her come. He perched her on his lap, holding her tight around the waist, never stopping kissing her lips, cheeks, eyes, nose. His hands roamed incessantly up and down her body, as if he was trying to memorize her skin. She let him guide her, purring contentedly at being back in his arms.
- You're so good, Lily. You're too good for me – he was saying, between sweet pecks. - I don't deserve you.
Lily buzzed with satisfaction, any insecurities she had of not being the one for him long gone.
- Don't say that – she replied, despite feeling damn pleased with his words. - You deserve me and I deserve you. We're good for each other, James.
- We are – he agreed, and as if that settled it, he brought her head forward suddenly, devouring her mouth without warning. His tongue clashed against hers, in a synchronized battle. His calloused hand pressured her neck in his direction, tangling in her hair, as his lips bruised her with the force he was putting. It was like he wanted to make up for their lost time all in that one second, swallowing her mouth recklessly, blocking any oxygen from coming in.
Lily was about to choke when he let her go, his right fingers still holding her neck while his left went down her body.
- I'm going to make you come now, Lily, and I want you to look at me while you do it. Okay? - His hand found her knickers, taking them out with practiced moves. He stopped for a beat, waiting for her assent, which she gave hastily, lacing her arms around his shoulders, flaring with anticipation.
His fingers found her clitoris with ease, rubbing it lightly the way he knew she liked. She automatically closed her eyes at the sensation, her body shivering with the pleasure it irradiated.
- Look at me, baby – James asked with a hoarse voice and Lily opened her eyes immediately. Her hips twitched at the sound.
- James – she pleaded. - Call me that again.
He exhaled sharply, increasing the pace of his fingers.
- Baby.
Lily had to fight to keep her eyes open. She was unravelling very quickly.
- You are my baby. Only mine. And I'm only yours.
Her core was starting to tighten. She focused on his mouth, the way his lips curled around the delicious word. She could see his breathing coming out harder, like he was getting on the edge just like she was.
- There's no one like you, Lily. You're so fucking good, tutoring her even after everything. - Lily startled at the mention, the start of an uncomfortable feeling creeping its way in before being promptly kicked out by the tensing of her muscles getting ready for her orgasm. - Being so bloody fantastic that even he defended you to his disgusting mate. And still being patient with that fucking insistent twat. Next time he so much as looks at you I'm going to put him right in his place, he's not going to be able to tell left from right after I'm done with him.
It was probably the image of James territorially claiming her and crushing Shaw that did her in. Her whole body jerked forward as the heat of her coming undone dominated her limbs, sprawling through her flesh, a sob escaping her as she struggled to keep her eyes from shutting. James stared at her with hungry eyes, hardening his grip on her neck, maintaining her in place and forcing her to keep looking at him. She whimpered with the pleasure of orgasming on his lap while he watched.
He kissed her lovingly, as she came down from her high, body relaxing on his embrace.
They stayed a while like that, Lily's forehead resting on his shoulder as her breathing became even again, his hands petting her hair in a calming rhythm. She loved how he made her come incredibly hard, most times being rather rough, but she loved even more afterwards, when he was sweet and gentle with her, making her feel cherished.
- I was a coward.
Lily stirred at the sound of his voice, making to change positions to draw back but he pinned his arms around her, keeping her still.
- I've wanted you for so long that when I finally had my shot with you, I was terrified of blowing it. That's why I insisted in taking it slow. After the insane night on the windowsill, I guess I was afraid that something like that would happen again, when I completely lost my head around you and you couldn't even look at me for days. I didn't want that again. I convinced myself that this time we needed to do things different. I was really scared of fucking us up. - He let out a humourless chuckle. - In the end, I did it anyway, so dumb that I am.
- You didn't, James – Lily said against his chest. - You didn't fuck us up, I'm right here with you now.
She could feel his smile against the hem of her hairline. He kissed the spot before talking again.
- Only thanks to your generosity. Because I didn't deserve it after the way I acted. Running away from you every time I felt myself losing control. Hiding my feelings. Trying to play it cool. - He shook his head, in disbelief with himself. - What a fucking prat.
Lily smiled, feeling warm at his words. So he did want it as much as she did, he was just scared of making the wrong move. It wasn't because it was easier for him to walk away. Thank God.
He sighed, finally pushing her back and allowing them to look at each other.
- I didn't tell Sirius for the same reason, Lily. - He furrowed his brows, pursing his lips in censure. - He's been such an arse with you this year. Always so fucking rude, giving you a hard time. I didn't want to risk him saying some bullshit to you or insulting you in some way. If I was scared that I would fuck us up, I was even more scared that he would fuck us up. Frankly, he's got quite the talent for it.
Lily laughed. She felt like a huge weight was being lifted from her shoulders.
- He definitely does.
James smiled back, something small, caressing her face, putting tendrils of hair behind her ears.
- It was never because it didn't matter to me. Or because I cared less. - He looked at her, eyes so heavy it kept her down to their gravity. - You said I didn't even remember you existed during summer. That couldn't be farther from the truth, Lily.
Lily automatically held her breath.
- I've liked you for as long as I can remember. You were never mine so I just made a point of ignoring the feeling. But I never really, truly, stopped thinking about you. No matter where I was or with whom. You were always there on my mind. - His thumb nuzzled her chin, his eyes caught on the movement. - I'm sorry I wasn't clear about this before, but I will be now. - His eyes flew back to hers. - I'm crazy about you, Lily. I've never felt this way in my life.
Lily blushed, pleasantly. That was the way he should always look at her.
- I've never felt this way either, James. - She hugged him, kissing him lightly. - I'm as gone for you as you are for me.
Only after she said the words, she realised the meaning behind them.
The first time he made her come after they started officially dating, he told her that he was only going to have sex with her after she was as gone for him as he was for her. Back then, Lily amusedly thought that she couldn't imagine wanting him anymore than she already did. Now she knew she was wrong. Her falling for him only got worse by each passing day.
But admitting it to him now, and using the same words he had used, brought a whole new significance to the moment. She disentangled herself from the hug, meeting his eyes. He had realised the same thing.
She kissed him again, less sweet this time. She pulled his lower lip with her teeth, teasingly. He grunted.
It was all the incentive she needed.
She dropped her hands, making quick way of his trousers, opening his zipper and lowering his pants to set him free. He was already hard. Or still hard, depending on the perspective. He followed her progress, ravenous.
She stroked him, once, twice, but he interrupted her to bring her hands to him, licking her palms. Her stomach coiled with desire at the motion. He seemed to feel the same, throat bobbing incessantly as he watched her wrap her fingers around his cock again, rubbing it easily now with the wetness.
James fell silent, as Lily had learned he would every time she touched him like that. His expansive, talkative personality would instantly disappear as soon as she held his cock. He'd become quiet and intense, staring at her and her hands as if his life depended on it. Lily liked this James as much as she liked communicative James.
She massaged him up and down, observing the way his brows knitted in concentration, lips parted as his breath came out heavier. His chest was oscillating harshly, his muscles stiffening. She knew he was getting close. He normally didn't last much when she jerked him off. James apparently had gotten to the same realisation.
He reached to her, stilling her hands.
- Slow down, I want to last – he panted.
She did what he said, carefully rubbing the head instead, circling her thumb around his tip. He threw his head back, groaning.
- Fuck, baby, this feels so good.
Lily's insides twisted fiercely at this. She felt herself getting wet again, so horny she worried she'd drench his trousers. She maintained the movement of her left hand on him, while her right hand found her own pleasure point, grinding on her nub, biting down her lips to avoid whimpering loudly. She couldn't remember if they had silenced the office or not.
- Fuck – James gasped, bringing his head back up to stare at Lily as she touched herself on top of him. She closed her eyes, relishing on the feeling of being watched by him while she did something she'd never done in front of another person, at the same time as she wanked him. Once again, she was close to orgasming alarmingly fast.
It felt amazing. Not only the pleasure from her fingers fondling herself, but the fact that she could do that with James and not feel ashamed or held back. She knew now how much he wanted her, how crazy he was for her. She was finally fully comfortable, confident he'd enjoy anything she decided to do. He was that randy for her.
And she was randy for him.
She never felt so sexual before in her life. Although she hadn't had many opportunities to explore her sexuality, she also never felt the need for it. As a sixteen-year-old teenager having a boyfriend for the first time, Lily had felt embarrassingly uninterested in discovering herself together with Eddie. They had snogged and gotten each off a couple of times, but it was all very bland. And, after their relationship was over, she didn't particularly miss being touched by him. She could do the same, actually better, by herself. She masturbated rather frequently, with satisfying results.
Masturbating on James' lap was on a completely other level. It was making her lose her mind.
James was losing his too.
He abruptly brought her closer to him with an arm around her back, stopping her left hand that was jerking him, as he repositioned her on him.
- Fuck, Lily. Do you know how many times I imagined you touching yourself? - he rasped, face scrunched achingly. - This is so fucking hot. Tell me how it feels.
Lily mewled with his demand. She had to work hard to find her voice.
- It feels so good. Your fingers feel better, but I-I love the way you're looking at me. I love it that you're watching me do that on top of your cock.
James growled so boomingly the sound travelled all the way to Lily's torso and up to her core. Her skilled fingers were getting her there efficiently and James starved expression was making her head swirl.
- Have you ever thought of me while you got yourself off?
- All the time, James. These past weeks, that was the only thing I was doing.
He was gone.
He contorted his face into a grimace, urgently moving to grab his cock, stroking it with swift brushes of fingers, watching Lily the entire time. She tried to hold on, to prolong the moment, but she was too far already. She came quickly, unable to stop the flames that shot through her sensitive body while she orgasmed for the second time in few minutes. She had never come more than once in a day, much less that closely to each other. Her body collapsed on James, completely spent.
It took her a while to notice he hadn't come together with her.
He passionately kissed her neck, teeth scraping her skin. He was still randy, his mouth searching for hers in need. She returned his kisses, drained and wasted, letting him have his way with her.
- Can I take this off? - James asked, fumbling with the neckline of her school shirt and tie.
Lily nodded and he opened her buttons in a hurry, carelessly removing her shirt and loosening her tie, throwing both items on the floor of the office. He turned his attention to her rose bra, cupping her breasts with his hands, as he toyed with the cloth. Once more, Lily cursed herself for not choosing a sexier undergarment when she started the day. James didn't seem to mind, though, staring at it as if was the most sensual sight he had ever had.
He fiddled with her covered nipples, rolling them in between his fingers. Lily's head lolled until it slumbered against his shoulders. James kissed her collarbone and cleavage, lowering the straps of her bra down her arms. His fingers shot behind Lily's back and in a quick move, he took out the fabric that covered her chest. The next second, his mouth was already on it.
Lily moaned at the first contact of his tongue with her exposed breasts. James bit her right nipple, a bit harder than she expected, making her shudder in surprise. He liked that.
- You're so beautiful – he growled, nibbling at her skin until it got red. - Your tits are so damn perfect. - He licked his way through her breasts, alleviating the rashness just caused by his teeth. - I wanted to punch myself in the face for not telling you that before. When we were in the Prefects' bathroom.
He stopped, raising his head and tugging Lily's hair to make her look at him.
- I should've told you how fucking perfect you look. How absolutely fantastic your body is. I wanked to the image of you naked every single fucking day ever since.
Lily bit her lips, suppressing a whimper.
James stared at her for a beat, his hands going down from her breasts to her waist, where he rummaged through the clasp of her skirt until it was open and he slid it down her legs. Her skirt joined the rest of her clothing on the ground the next moment.
Lily sat now completely naked on top of him. He took his time to linger his eyes through every corner of her body, taking in all the bits, curves and freckles she possessed. He kissed her knees, thighs, bellybutton and again her breasts. He ended on her mouth, bringing both of his hands to wedge between her locks of hair, while he kissed her deeply.
Lily had no idea how long they stayed snogging in the armchair. She got lost on him, as she was prone to do. She felt weightless, fully pleased from head to toe. She moved her leg to secure herself more tightly around his hips when she felt the tip of his cock nudging at her entrance.
James groaned immediately, throwing his head back forcefully. Lily felt her entire body inflame.
- Lily – he called hoarsely, in warning.
- It's okay, James – she hurried to say, closing her eyes at the sensation. - Like this is good.
It was so good. The contact was making her lower stomach strain with the blissful pressure. She shifted again, getting better settled on top of him, nudging it a bit further. James clasped his hands harshly around her abdomen, blocking her progress. His head was still thrown backwards, eyes firmly shut, but his biceps shook with the force of his restraint. She kissed his exposed throat, feeling herself lose the little control she still had around him.
- Baby, please – he begged and that was it for her.
She began slowly going down on him, feeling the pressure increase uncomfortably. On a particular brash movement, she let out a cry, which made his head snap up.
- Are you okay? - he managed to ask, eyes starting to blur behind the frames.
She nodded, capturing his lips as she lowered herself another inch down. He grunted inside the kiss, fingers still keeping her hips stable. They never stopped kissing as he entered her gradually and steadily. She squinted her eyes closed when he painfully filled her, the pressure now stinging. It was like there was a heavy compression on her insides, making her uterus cramp.
She released another cry and he held her in place.
- Is it hurting, love? - he asked on her ear, stroking her hair.
- A little. But just stay like this, it will pass.
He did, keeping his hips completely still as his hands caressed her and his lips roamed her face.
- You're so beautiful – he kept saying - You feel amazing, Lily - he repeated like a mantra - You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
She started relaxing at his words, feeling the pressure inside her slowly recede. She tried moving again, perching more firmly around him. She looked at him, finding his eyes unfocused, the hazel so bright it blinded her.
- Lily, can I move? - His voice was a gruffy, raspy sound.
She assented and he started carefully moving her up and down, his cock sliding in and out of her in a gentle pace. She swallowed a wail, not wanting to worry him. The pain wasn't that bad, she just wasn't used to that kind of tension inside of her. She saw he was trying his hardest to go slow but, at a certain point, he began losing the hard-worked control he had, his hips erratically thrusting into her, his face fogged in a stupor.
- Lily – he called, in a susurrus. - Shit. Baby, I'm gonna, fuck, I'm gonna come so hard.
Lily timely remembered she hadn't yet started taking her contraceptive potion. With all that had happened in the past week, losing her virginity was very low on her list of expectations. She would've never imagined that she would find herself sitting on James' cock in the Heads' office in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon.
She didn't regret it for a second.
- James, you have to pull out, I don't take protection yet.
He blinked stiffly, trying to make sense of what she was saying in his sex-clouded mind. It apparently hit him at the same time as his orgasm because he lifted Lily in one go, throwing her body brusquely up as he came on her thighs. This time, his hips convulsed for impressively long before he grunted with his last spill.
She'd never seen him come like this.
But, she reminded herself, he had never been inside her before.
She couldn't help the smirk forming at her lips at seeing how wrecked he looked afterwards. He still held her against him but his eyes were closed and mouth open, his chest rising and falling unsteadily as he tried to catch his breath. It took him several minutes to regain balance and finally manage to lift his head to look at her.
- Lily – he started, smiling softly. - That was brilliant. I don't even know how, eh, I mean. How did it even happen?
She laughed, moving to sit back on him sideways, arms circling his neck as she rested her face on his shoulder.
- This was us sealing the deal.
He laughed too.
- The deal?
- That we are together. Officially.
He didn't say anything, just resting his own head on top of Lily's, hugging her solidly against him.
- Officially – he repeated after a while, with a content sigh. - I like that.
They left the Heads' office a half an hour later, for dinner. They walked hand in hand in the corridors, fully aware of the necks turning sharply to look at them. The whispers followed them the entire time from the fifth floor to the Great Hall. James' grin was splitting his face in two.
- Will you please get a hold of yourself? Everyone will notice that something happened.
- What, that my dreamgirl decided to give me another chance? - he replied, unbothered. - Sorry, love, I think they already figured that out after the very public kiss you gave me during breakfast.
Lily chortled.
- I was marking territory.
He twisted his head to her, grin becoming a smirk.
- Were you now?
Lily rolled her eyes, moving her hand from his to hold his bicep instead. That way she could rest her cheek on his arm as they walked side by side.
- I don't know why you look so surprise. I mean, I wouldn't say I've been hiding my jealousy very well these past days – Lily laughed at herself. It felt fantastic to be able to joke about that now. Her heart was so light she could float.
James kissed the top of her head, voice turning serious.
- I'm sorry for that. I never meant to make you feel jealous. You should know you have absolutely nothing to worry about, you're the only one for me.
She returned the kiss but on his shoulder instead, the highest place she could reach.
- I know. I guess I just didn't know how jealousy worked, I've never felt it before.
- Well, you did a good job at it, I'd say. It didn't look like you were jealous at all. It just seemed you were pissed at me, like good old times.
She chuckled.
- How can you say I didn't look jealous? I literally ran out of the Common Room as soon as I heard you had hooked up with someone else.
- Er, well – James grabbed his hair, disconcerted. - I just thought you were mad at me for not telling you. Having to hear it instead from the world's biggest wanker Macmillan.
- Oh yeah, that was shit indeed.
She could still remember the git's face when he was telling how incredible the Pureblood parties were and how James had enjoyed them. Lily briefly considered going after the sixth-year to hex him retroactively on account of being insufferable, before giving up and resuming her chat with James.
- But nah, I was really just jealous of Nuur.
James tightened his hold on her waist.
- I'm sorry, love.
She looked up to him, raising her feet to give him a peck on the lips while they went down the stairs to the first floor.
- It's alright. I made my peace with it. It was just hard to look at her pretty face during our tutoring without wanting to run away screaming.
James laughed, lightly.
- It's amazing that you went on with that. You could've easily cancelled the tutoring. I didn't even know that you were helping her with that.
- Yeah, she's struggling with N.E.W.T level Defence Against the Dark Arts. – Lily shrugged. - I couldn't just blow her off, James. She's too nice of a person. And that's exactly my problem.
- What do you mean?
- I mean, couldn't you have fucking picked someone less amazing? - she replied, glaring at him but without any bite.
- I have no idea how to respond to that - he cackled and Lily huffed.
- If you had fooled around with literally anyone else, I'm pretty sure I'd be more chill about it. Well, - Lily reconsidered – I'd probably still be jealous, but definitely not so much.
- How so? For me, it doesn't matter what type of blokes hit on you on the daily basis. I'm jealous of all of them indiscriminately – he said, almost with pride.
- Ah, yeah, the caravan of widely impressive, top-notch boys coming after me. - Lily rolled her eyes. - It's not the same, James. I'd have much more preferred that you had hooked up with Selwyn, for example.
- What? Ew.
- Precisely my point. – Lily smiled smugly. - I'd have the same reaction. I'd be completely disgusted at you for getting involved with such a ridiculous person. But Nuur is the literal opposite. She's everything a girl should be, she's -
- You are everything a girl should be – James interrupted her.
Lily's body warmed pleasantly at his words but she carried on, undeterred.
- She's beautiful, she's smart, funny, sweet, everything. I mean, if I wasn't straight, I'd definitely leave you for her.
He laughed with gusto. She continued.
- Which of course drove me spare with jealousy. If it had been Selwyn, I would just reassess everything I ever thought I knew about you but at least I wouldn't be so insecure. - When she saw James' smile dimming, she quickly added – Imagine if you found out I had frolicked with Mulciber, you would also just think I had a stroke or something.
James' entire face rumpled at the thought.
- Ew, Lily, what are you even on about? Don't put that disgusting image in my head – he yelped as they entered the Great Hall, proceeding to fake gag reflexes. Lily guffawed.
- Ah – Black greeted them, arms wide open in welcome – the sight of a man sexually active. How wonderful!
James stopped pretending to throw up and swatted at his best mate.
- Fuck off, Pads – he said, dismissively, but Lily noticed a slight blush on his cheeks. He never blushed and his best mate knew that. Black tilted his head, intrigued, taking a closer look at his friend before turning to look at Lily. If James was blushing, Lily knew she must be looking like a tomato. She rushed to sit down, busying herself with a bowl of rice. James sat in front of her, also hastily grabbing his food. Thankfully, their other friends didn't notice anything, just resuming their conversation without another glance at the nervous Head Boy and Girl.
Except Black, of course. Nothing escaped that man, Lily thought with annoyance. She could see from the corner of her eyes how he was smirking broadly now, still staring at James. James bumped his shoulder stiffly against him, hissing something under his breath, making Black let out a laugh. But he finally relented, going back to his food after sending an impertinent wink at Lily's direction.
Prat.
Lily shook her head, looking sideways to Cassandra, who was in the middle of one of her curtesy-chats with Remus, thoroughly entertained with the Marauder's pretentious description of haggis. She knew her friend would lose the plot when Lily told her she had lost her virginity. She imagined all of them would, but she didn't really feel like telling Marlene and Elizabeth just yet. Her relationship with the girls hadn't been the best lately and she preferred to delay the news.
But she needed to tell Cassandra.
She would probably tell Lily it had been too soon. Especially considering everything that went down the week before. Lily couldn't disagree. She never planned on it happening the way it did. She wasn't even taking the potion she was supposed to. Yet, sitting on the Gryffindor table, surrounded by her closest friends, staring at a delicious plate of rice and fried beans, James peeking at her every ten seconds, Lily felt the happiest she ever did in her life.
She loved how it had happened, amid their reconciliation, drenched in loving words. With a boy that had completely stolen her heart.
She looked at him now, mouth full of pie, nodding along to the tale Pettigrew was telling of his Divination class. His spectacles had slid down his long nose, resting on its bridge, when he stretched his hand to grab the glass of water in front him, chuckling to Pettigrew's story. He lifted his eyes and met Lily's. She smiled at him, feeling every pore of her body glow when he returned her smile, sweetness dripping from it.
- Lily, are you going to Professor Slughorn's Christmas party?
Lily turned to look at a giddy Elizabeth.
- Ehm, yeah, probably. I promised him I would. Are you?
Elizabeth was always invited to the Slug Club gatherings, mainly because of her last name, just like James and Black, but none of them really attended it. She had accompanied Lily in a couple but had long given up on the pompous dinners, while James and Black never once dignified them with their presence.
- Definitely not, but then you're taking James, aren't you?
Lily vacillated. She looked at James, who was already staring back. He arched an eyebrow.
- Eh, I don't think so. I mean, – she directed the next words at him – you don't really enjoy those parties, do you?
- I will, if I'm with you – he replied, simply.
- Own – Elizabeth cooed, beaming. - You should definitely take him, Lil! Now that you are official and everyone in the castle knows about you two, you have to bring him as your date.
Lily grinned, excited with the prospect of not being bored to death at one of Professor Slughorn's meetings, probably for the first time ever. James grinned back, looking as excited as her. But Black next to him only rolled his eyes, seeming annoyed. Lily briefly thought his annoyance related to her, and her bringing James along to a pedant Pureblood party, but she quickly found out it was not.
The next day, Elizabeth and Black officially called it quits to whatever their relationship was. This time, for what her friend said, for good. Things had been bad for a while between them, apparently, and that was the only way out.
Lily had come back to her dormitory during their free period that day, having spent the previous hour in the Heads' office organizing the prefects' reports, to find Elizabeth crying on Cassandra's shoulder. Alarmed, Lily rushed to comfort her friend, who then proceeded to retell the fight she had with Black and how they decided to finally end their involvement.
Lily couldn't understand how two people who were never really together could 'break up' but she used her kindest of words with Elizabeth either way. She patted her hair while Cassandra whispered sweet nothings in her ear, mainly focusing on how she was better off without the stupid Marauder.
Lily wondered where was Marlene, who should've been there consoling her best friend. Lily hoped she wasn't out there challenging Black to a duel in order to avenge Elizabeth's honour. Knowing Marlene, Lily didn't doubt it for a second. Which was exactly why Lily was completely dumbfounded when she went down for dinner a couple of hours later to find Marlene and Black chatting friendly at the Gryffindor table, like nothing had happened.
Elizabeth tilted her chin up, aggrieved, and walked past the middle of the table without so much as a glance. Cassandra and Lily followed her to the far side where they normally sat when they wanted to avoid the Marauders, Lily throwing a brief apologetic look at James' direction, lifting her shoulders in defeat before she walked away. Her eyes also locked with Black's on her way, immediately hardening as she scowled at him.
All she had wanted was to see James, talk to him, touch him. Between classes and his Quidditch practice that afternoon, they hadn't had one second of time alone since what took place in the Heads' office the day before. She had laid awake in her bed that night, going over everything that happened in the armchair, every single detail of their shared intimacy. She counted the seconds until she could be with him again, but unfortunately that moment hadn't arrived yet.
She had told Cassandra the news in hush voices, locked in the bathroom before they tucked in for the night, being received with shocked eyes and gaping mouth. They didn't have much time to talk then, and Lily promised she would tell her friend everything at length the next day.
But, now, they didn't really have the chance to do so as, on the other spectrum of where Lily currently found herself in, was a heartbroken Elizabeth. Lily knew her friend wasn't in love with Black, yet they have been sleeping together since third year. It made sense that she would be upset when it all came to an abrupt end. What didn't make sense was Marlene not being there for her best friend. Could she not know yet? Lily doubted it.
The situation was beyond surreal.
It became much more surreal the next night. Lily was staying past her usual bedtime, trying to get a handle of her homework load before the Saturday, when she would spend the whole day busy in Hogsmeade. After everyone retired to their respective dorm, James still out in patrol, she sat in front of the fireplace to finish her Transfiguration assignment. When her inkwell went dry, she made a short trip to her dorm to get a new one before returning to her favourite seat in the Common Room.
- I heard you know all my secrets.
Lily jumped three inches in the air, dropping the entire content of the new inkwell on the rug.
Sirius Black lounged on the floor to Lily's right side, hidden from view as he reclined against the lower corner of the chair, forearms resting on his bent knees. He stared at the dying fire in front of them, eyes glazed as if he was not really seeing it.
Lily pulled out her wand to clean the mess she'd made, inspecting the pot to see if there was any ink left. There wasn't.
- I heard you broke my friend's heart – she replied, sitting back on the sofa.
He didn't even blink.
- She broke mine first.
What?
Lily turned her head brusquely to look down at the boy.
- Elizabeth is as beautiful as she is thick – he said, ignoring Lily's confused face. - She thinks if we stay neutral, it won't get to us. She thinks we can stay out of it.
Lily's brain started racing. What was he talking about? Stay out of what?
- It didn't bother me before, at least not that much. But it does now. Overwhelmingly. And I wish she was different. Because if she was, I could be with her. But she's not so I can't.
Lily's brain was no longer racing but galloping. Spinning in a frenzy.
Because if she was, I could be with her.
What did that even mean? Was Black in love with Elizabeth? And why in the hell couldn't he be with her then? Lily doubted Lizzie would reject him if he wanted to go serious.
While Lily brawled with the one hundred questions popping up in her mind, Black sat calmly on the ground, face something sad. Lily tried to find the words but they escaped her. Black had never spoken to Lily like that. Open. Sincere. Vulnerable.
She had no idea how to respond now that he did.
- It's easier for James – he added, unaware or uncaring of Lily's inner turmoil. - He can count on you. Actually, – he chuckled, without humour – you can count on him. You're in this together.
- This what? - Lily finally managed to ask.
He rolled his eyes.
- The war, Evans. I'm talking about the war.
Then it all clicked.
Elizabeth wanted to stay out of it. Just like Cassandra.
She thought that being neutral would save them from getting caught in the middle of the chaos. With her Pureblood surname, she might as well pull it off. And so could James and Black.
Lily blinked astonished.
So that was the reason behind their fights all along? They disagreed on their world views? Black wanted to fight but Elizabeth didn't. And, therefore, he broke up with her?
Similar to what had happened when she figured out the puzzle of the Marauders' disappearances in the full moon, Lily's head short-circuited. Everything she thought she knew about the boy casually flopping at the foot of her armchair took a one-hundred-and-eighty degrees turn. She had always imagined his troubles with Elizabeth came from his difficult personality or due to conflicting interests – Lily always took as granted that Black played her friend, keeping her at arm's length while he fooled around with other birds. Lily knew Elizabeth didn't care, which was why Lily never fully hated Black, but still she couldn't really like him when she thought he was toying with her close friend.
She realised now how spectacular wrong she was. A very reoccurring event for her this year, she sarcastically reminded herself.
Black never played Elizabeth. He wanted to be with her but she diverged from him in such a central, life-changing aspect, that he couldn't see a future with her. Just like Lily couldn't see a future with Cassandra by her side.
She turned to look at him with brand-new eyes. He was not at all what she had expected. Which wasn't a particular surprise, since Lily had long learned to never underestimate the four Gryffindor boys. But, while the others wore their hearts in their sleeves even if their secrets under lock and key, Lily never succeeded in seeing Black's soul. He had always kept it hidden.
Until now.
- Why are you telling me this?
He raised his eyes to her from the floor for the first time.
- Because you're here to stay. James is in love with you. And as his best friend, I decided that you should know the truth about certain things.
James is in love with you.
Lily's entire body jolted at the words. She almost missed Black speaking again.
- He told me that one of the reasons for your fight last week was the secrets he kept from you.
She forced herself to get back to the conversation and ignore the thumping of her heart.
- Ehm, yeah, part of it.
- He also told me you already know most of it.
This time she didn't say anything.
He smiled to the fire.
- At least I'm glad you caught yourself in time before thinking of me as a sheep.
Lily couldn't help snorting. Of course James would tell Black that. He probably had a blast taking the piss out of his best mate.
- I figured a dog suited you better.
- You figured right. Actually, for what he said, you figured everything right. Quite the thinker, aren't you?
Lily chew on her lips, not knowing what to say. She didn't want to go too far, or say something to unease him. She was curious, naturally, and wanted Black to keep talking. She decided to let him guide the exchange.
- He said you found out about Remus in fifth year. That's impressive.
- You lads found out much sooner.
He smirked.
- We did. In first year.
Lily's jaw dropped. First year? She had imagined third or fourth. That was insane.
- It wasn't that difficult. I mean, we are, how did you put it? 'The most co-dependent group of boys you've ever met'. - He shot her an amused glance. - It didn't take us long to put the pieces together. And Remus was not particularly skilled in sending us off track.
He raised his arms to settle his hands behind his neck, getting comfortable. Lily' stomach swirled with anticipation of what he was about to tell her.
- It took us three years before we gathered the knowledge, and the courage, to try transforming. I'm happy we did though. I can't imagine my life any other way.
Lily smiled to herself. She couldn't either.
- Is James a buck or a deer? He never really told me.
- He's a stag – Black replied, proud. - He's the biggest of us after Moony.
Lily bit her lower lip, an image of a large, wild stag transforming back to a shirtless James consuming her mind. Her core burned with desire.
- Will you please keep it in your pants? - Black mocked, noticing Lily's blurred eyes. She startled, flushing at being caught.
- Sorry – she replied, embarrassed.
Black only laughed.
- Don't apologize. I'm glad that you're finally as into the poor bloke as he has been into you for centuries.
Lily smiled, faintly, still blushing. Black turned his head back to stare at the fireplace.
- But he's too loyal, isn't he? It doesn't matter how much he's mad about you, he'd never tell you a secret if it wasn't his to tell. Even if that cost him you. - He sighed, running a hand through his long, black hair. - I'm fucking relieved it didn't. I mean, I know there was much more to your fight, but still... I was there after you two talked last Friday. I've never seen James like that. - He shook his head. - Completely destroyed. So, if I'm being honest, I'm really glad you found his way back to him.
Lily felt her heart clench at the words, but before she had time to say something that pacified Black that she would never leave James just because he was loyal to his friends or ask him more about the state James was that day, Black continued.
- I wish I was as loyal as he is. As good a friend.
This time Lily rushed to open her mouth.
- You are, Sirius. You have risked as much as James has, and you are there for Remus every month just the same.
The use of his first name didn't escape Black. He smiled darkly.
- You shouldn't say that, Lily. You don't know me.
Lily felt silent at the cutting words. She wondered if that was when he drew the line, pulling his walls back up. Pushing her out. She remained quiet, inspecting her nails as she waited for him to say something or leave.
After what it seemed hours, he restarted.
- Despite my many flaws, there were always two things I always took pride in. My intolerance for Pureblood shit and my predisposition to always protect my friends. That's why when Snape hit James with that evil curse in fifth year, I knew I needed to get back at him.
Lily froze.
Fifth year.
He was going to tell her what happened at the end of the term when they got called to the Headmaster's office.
Lily didn't even dare to breathe.
- Snape had been a thorn on my side for years. And in fifth year it only got worse. His fucking passion for the Dark Arts. It disgusted me. - Black's entire face distorted as if Severus had just walked in and stood in front of him. - It bothered me even more how good friends you were with him. And how that rattled James.
He neither looked at Lily while he said it nor hardened his tone, but she still felt his judgement wash over her, making her skin crawl with shame.
- After the disaster of that day on the lake, James was devastated. He already liked you too much. And now you were not talking to each other anymore and Snape insulted you in front of everyone because of him. It was just a Merlin-sent trainwreck.
Lily hurt again with the memory.
- But apparently that wasn't enough for Snivellus. He went after James the following week and hit him on the back with one of those dark spells he invented. The one that leaves cutting stripes on the flesh.
Lily widened her eyes in horror. She knew exactly which spell he was talking about. Severus had invented it somewhere in fourth year when his descent into the dark path became uncontrollable. Or, at least, when Lily had finally declared it an unavoidable issue. He had used this curse a few times over the next years, usually during duels or when he was bullied. Lily had no idea he had used it on James.
- Luckily, McGonagall was nearby when it all happened. She took James to the infirmary immediately, and he recovered without problems. - Black's face stretched into a sharky grimace of a smile. - While James recovered, I went after Snape.
Lily held the urge to close her eyes. She didn't want to miss any details but she knew it was going to be bad. She wasn't sure if she was prepared to hear it.
- Pretended to fight him for a bit. To gauge his attention. Then pretended to accidentally let some information slip. Enough that he would act on it without suspecting it was a prank.
He turned his head to look at Lily, eyes completely dark.
- Spoiler alert, it wasn't a prank.
His eyes roamed Lily's face as if he wanted to record her expression on his brain before he shattered it.
- He'd always been so curious to find out where Remus went every month. So I sent him to the Whomping Willow. - At Lily's frown, he added – To where Remus stays in the full moon until he transforms.
Lily blinked.
Wait, was he saying -
- I sent Snape to meet a transformed werewolf. That was the prank.
Lily gasped.
Black leered.
- A good punishment for what he'd done to James, I thought.
Oh my god.
He tried to get Severus killed. That's what he did. He had sent a fellow student to face a werewolf, without any warning. That was what the rumours were about.
About Black almost being expelled, which was probably true. Lily could see Professor Dumbledore on the edge of sending him off of Hogwarts because of such a 'prank'.
About James and Severus almost killing each other, which wasn't true. Black was the one who tried to kill Severus, James had nothing to do with it.
And about Remus saving Severus' life. That one also couldn't be true. Remus was transformed, there was nothing he could've done. How did Severus even survive then? How did neither of them get hurt?
- I had told Peter though, about my plan. - Black's voice brought Lily back to the present. - He thought I'd gone too far so he went after James in the Hospital Wing. I still remember it as if it were today. - His voice was so bitter Lily felt the sourness penetrate her flesh. He rested his head back onto the side of the armchair, eyes firmly closed. - I crossed with James when he was coming out in the Entrance Hall. He looked like a madman.
He sighed, eyes still shut.
- He didn't even stop to talk to me, just ran straight to the grounds. Got there just in time.
In time?
- Snape had just gotten inside the Willow. He was in the corridor when Remus transformed. James arrived before it was too late and got Snape out. - He opened his eyes to stare at Lily. - Why do you think Snape hates James so much? It's not just because he finds him insufferable or whatever. Well, that definitely plays a role in it. But, no. He hates him because James saved his life. And Snape will always owe him for that.
James saved Severus' life. Not Remus. The rumours had gotten that wrong.
James had fled from the Hospital Wing, still hurt from the dark curse Severus threw at him, to stop a werewolf from killing the same person who had put him in the infirmary in the first place.
She always knew James had a good heart. She didn't know he also had the bravest of them all.
She felt herself drowning in love in the middle of the Common Room. She rubbed her hands forcefully on her face, trying to get a hold of herself. She knew Black was still looking at her.
- I imagined you didn't have a clue. Snape never told you anything.
She shook her head, hands still covering her heavy eyes.
He snorted, turning back to the fire. Silence followed.
Black talked again when her heartbeats slowed down, as if aware of her bodily functions.
- It was the worst thing I'd ever done. And I've done a lot of of bad things. But I had never betrayed my friends. That was a first. - He paused, breathing slowly. - I got off easy, though. Dumbledore didn't expel me and he made Snape promise he would never reveal Remus' secret to anyone. In the end, everything was exactly how it started, no one hurt, no secrets exposed. Except that everything changed.
His voice was starting to falter and Lily felt her heart tighten.
- That summer he didn't write me once. He'd always write me on the very first day, to invite me over. To save me from my home. That time he didn't. Neither did Remus. I spent two months sullying alone among the respected Black's. Poisoned. Sinking in their pestilence.
Lily lowered her hands, horrified with the way he was speaking of his own family. She knew they never got along, Elizabeth had hinted at that before. But he talked of them like they were a virus. Lily never heard such hateful words before.
- By the time summer ended and sixth year started, I was as broken as they were. Got even more broken when I came to school and James couldn't look me in the eye. Couldn't forgive me. Couldn't love me.
Tears escaped Lily's eyes. She felt his pain glowing from his open veins.
- Remus told me he forgave me. Said he knew I never meant to harm him. Like I hadn't tried turning him into a murderer. - He snorted, an acid sound. - Still, he couldn't stay around me too much. None of them could. Only Pete stood by me. Sweet, kind Peter.
He was choking now. Face dry but eyes sunk. Lily realised he had probably never said any of that aloud, never telling anybody this story before. She tried to find her voice to help him find his again.
- What changed?
- Dear old mum – he replied, clearing his throat. - Went too far during Christmas break. Almost offed me. I lost my mind. Packed my things and left to the only place I knew of. The Potter Manor.
His smile was, for the first time, not completely forged.
- James was the one to pick up the door. He didn't even ask questions, just let me in. His parents took me in, I live there now. - He glanced at Lily. - It's home.
Another tear escaped Lily's eyes.
- I begged his forgiveness and he gave it to him. Said you can't stay mad forever at your brother. Remus followed his decision as usual, when he came for Christmas supper. Remus is too gentle to hold a grudge. I guess it only took him longer because James was still resented. - His smiled broader at Lily. - I suppose you have already noticed the magnetic force James has. He just draws everyone around him in.
Lily never heard truer words. James was not even in the room and she felt herself gravitate towards him.
Black spun his body, moving for the first time since she found him there, his eyes still locked on Lily's.
- That's what happened. That's the whole story. But I should tell you one more thing – he said, voice now so low Lily needed to crane her neck to hear him. - I never liked you.
Lily flinched.
- Not because of your good-girl pretence, nagging at us at everything. That's fine. Minnie is always lecturing us and she's still my favourite teacher. No, – he shook his head – it wasn't that. It was how you followed the mini Death-Eater wherever he went while telling us how bad we were. It was how the whole lot of you, maybe except McKinnon, never really stood up for the right thing. It was how you made James feel unworthy.
Lily felt like crying again but now for a totally different reason. Black's eyes were so sharp she was scared of cutting herself in them if she stared too long.
- It got worse this year. He stopped telling me things. Stopped having fun. Started walking on eggshells to not upset you. Started looking at you like you were his entire world. I didn't like that.
Didn't.
Lily stared at him, clinging at the thin shred of hope. She needed him to have changed his mind.
He stared back, expression now impenetrable.
- And now? - she asked, voice small, eyes begging. He opened his mouth to reply but before he could say anything, the portrait hole opened and James stepped in.
His gaze found them immediately, clocking Lily's wet face and Black's hard semblance. Lily jumped back in the sofa, cleaning her cheeks and willing herself to calm down. Black stood up.
- What's going on? - James asked, coming closer.
- Just having a chat – Black shrugged, glancing at Lily. - Alright, Evans?
Lily felt a shudder crossing her body with the familiar words coming out of the unfamiliar mouth. She tried to make her forehead unfrown and her heart untighten. She only managed to nod.
Black patted James' arm, grinning easily, pointing with his neck to the staircase behind him.
- I'm going up now, mate. Ask your girlfriend to fill you in on our past lovely hour together. - He winked, turning around to leave. As he ascended the stairs, he called over his shoulder – Evans?
She lifted her head tersely.
- I don't anymore. I've changed my mind.
He left and Lily buried her face in her hands, sobbing in her palms. James was kneeling in front of her in the next second, hands enfolding her.
- What's wrong, love? What did he say to you? Tell me.
She shook her head, drying her face, suppressing her cries.
She barely could make sense of everything she had just learned from Black. It was a damn lot of information that gave her such an array of feelings, she knew she'd have to sleep on it before it really sank in. The only thing she knew was that James was the most wonderful person she'd ever met.
She surged on the sofa, bringing her body forward to flush against him, throwing her arms around his neck and burying her mouth on his. She held him tightly, determined in never letting go. He kissed her back, despite his surprise, tangling his hands on her hair. He was warm and tasted like cranberry, as usual. She kissed him harder.
- Lily, what is it? Are you okay? - James held her firmly away from him, blocking her attempts to reach his mouth again. He looked worried.
- I will be, James. I just need you to hold me now. Please? - She needed him so bad she couldn't find the words.
Fortunately, he relented, moving to sit on the armchair, placing her on his lap, as he kissed her lips and neck, while stroking her hair with his fingers. Lily let out a sigh she felt she'd been holding for too long, from deep inside her soul. Finally relaxed and safe, she closed her eyes and let the darkness engulf her.
A/N: I guess 11.000 words is my new normal lol
This chapter was crazy intense to write, I loved it! Since the beginning of the story I imagined this talk between Lily and Sirius, did my best to keep it faithful to their characters. Let me know what you thought of it! And of course, the loss of virginity. I wanted to be right after they made up but before she learned the rest of the secrets, so it wouldn't have been 'influenced' by it.
PS, did you see how I wiggled in a Pride and Prejudice saying? Lol since I was already Janeausting in the last chapter, I suppose I felt like extending the grace to this one too XD
Happy New Year, everyone!