I thought it was a dream. How could I know? It's not like someone gives you a heads-up. Hey, just so you know, you're dead.

The day started like any other. The whole happy family seated at the kitchen table. Eating breakfast. I wasn't really eating, neither was Larry: too busy on his phone. Neither was Cynthia: Too busy serving the rest of us. My parents love it when I call them by their first name. Zoe was the only one actually consuming food.

I didn't want to go to school. My mother wouldn't hear it. Said it was the first day and I had no choice. School would do me good, she said. She watched me sleep all summer. Or so she thought that's all I did. She doesn't really, she doesn't know about my actual life. Not like there's a massive secret to spill or anything. So, she's desperate to get me out of the house.

What's the point of going to school? They never knew what to do with me. If you don't fit into one of their boxes, you get tossed aside. Just like him. Maybe that's why we became friends. Honestly, I could learn way more at home. Reading my own books and watching Vice. At least when I was at Hanover I could mention Nietzsche without a teacher staring back with a blank look.

Unfortunately, the whole private school experiment was a bust. Apparently, Adderall to get through finals-or the day-is perfectly OK. But a little weed in your locker is unforgivable. Hypocrites. Maybe now they'll see how ass-backward they are. Hey, geniuses, no one dies from marijuana. Pills, though? Yup, you guessed it.

Then Cynthia tried to get Larry involved. That's always good for a laugh. You're going to school, Connor. Was all he could muster up. This really set off my mother, that my father couldn't be bothered. They went at it for a while, talking like I wasn't there. Welcome to the Murphy household. If your name is Zoe, strap in for the ride of your life. If you happen to be Connor, well, you're going to want to stay good and numb.

I ended up going to school. Some fights aren't worth the effort. I got a lift from Zoe. Yet another perk of being me. Your little sister drives you around. All because the Subaru that Larry Luxury handed you like an olive branch is in a recycling head somewhere.

There was no deer in the road that night. I can come clean about that now. I crashed into that tree because I felt like it. My messiest decisions were always like that. Made in a split second. Nine times out of ten I'd walk away only wounded. Then, on the tenth time...

Turns out I was right to want to skip school. I got singled out in homeroom, even though I wasn't the only one on my phone, I had a message I need to respond to. Got messed with at lunch, almost fucked things up with Evan. But the day left a nasty taste in my mouth.

And that was only day one. What about the rest of the year? One hundred seventy-something days left. How am I supposed to get through?

I couldn't. Not really.

I skipped my last two classes. Walked right out the building. I couldn't shake the feeling-free-falling. Like there's nothing to hold on to. I reached out to the only person I thought might help. I didn't feel like I could burden Evan with this, not after the letter I saw. And when, when that didn't work...

I woke up in the hospital. My family was there. All of them, looking at the floor, their phones, the insides of their eyelids-anywhere but at one another or me. I knew what was coming, I'm a fuckup-I know. Spare me. I got out of bed before anyone could say a word. Just left the room. No one bothered to come after me.

At the front desk, there were two nurses. On said, Room 124. So sad. He's the same age as Evan.

I know. The other nurse said, sighing. That had to be his mom. His mentioned her being a nurse.

The first nurse made a call, left a message: Hey, honey, just checking in. I wanted to hear how the rest of your day went. Did you get any good signatures on your cast? You'll probably be sleeping when I get home, but I'll see you in the morning. I love you so much. Just wanted you to know that.

She put down her phone. Hands on her forehead. Soothing her temples. I couldn't believe this is how I met his mom.

I know your son. I said. I signed his cast, he's got at least one name on it.

She didn't answer, just walked away. Another fan of mine. I figured Evan never mentioned me, maybe told her about the incident at lunch. I thought we cleared that up though.

I didn't mean to push him, I'm sure he knows. We were supposed to meet up anyways. It was another one of those split-second decisions. Honestly, they're more like knee-jerk reactions. Or something deeper. Part of my nature. That's just what I do. I ruin things. Always. Even then, I never made it to our meet up. The thing I'm ruining could be the best thing in my life. And I'll know it. And I'll still be powerless to stop it. Or too scared.

I turned back down the hall, vowing to be more patient with my waiting family. I reach my room. Room 124. I looked in. That's when I saw him. The kid in the bed. It was me.

I bent over him. The other me. Skin gray. Mouth sagged open.

I got what I wanted, I guess.

I'm free now. No one in my way. No one waiting around a corner, setting a trap. No one checking for redness in my eyes. Asking where I've been all night. No more making promises. No more disappointing those who I let close.

I've been hanging here at the hospital. Everyone is beaten up and broken, just like me. Even the staff. They just hide it better than the patients do.

Especially that nurse, Evan's mom. She's kind of a disaster, always rushing around the halls. But she seems decent. Today, on her break, she barely touched her sandwich. She was looking up college stuff for Evan. I can't picture Cynthia doing that. Even though I was her life's work.

My mother preferred to delegate. She treated me like one of her home renovation projects. Hire help. Call in the specialists. The best in the business. Let's get this kid fixed up. Do whatever you've got to do. Take him overnight, or for a few weeks at a time. Pump him full of meds. Solo sessions. Group sessions. We've got money, as much as it takes. Spare no expense. Just solve this problem of ours. And hurry. My husband's growing impatient. Losing faith. Asking, why throw good money after bad? It hasn't working so far, after all these years. Maybe it's best to abandon the project. Stop the work. At least for the time being. Let's wait this thing out. See what happens.

And here we are.