Merlin and Arthur had an understanding, one that was created as a sort of need for a safe space, from many different things getting a little too tangible between them sometimes. Like how things just tend to happen around Merlin, to Merlin or about Merlin...in a way that Arthur does not tend to ask about. He has questioned it before, but never to the point where he's actually questioning it. "What do you know about magic, Merlin?" but he never expects an answer, because Merlin will never give him one, and sometimes he doesn't even bother questioning it. There was a gray area they lived in with topics, such as magic, Gwen...and now this kiss. They found it just a little too easy to not address the hundred pound horse in the room. Once they returned to Camelot and Arthur returned the relic to his father, that was it, it was all over, and although there was a few days of awkwardness between them, soon Merlin and Arthur both just allowed the thought of them kissing to float into the abyss, and then they were back to acting exactly how they had before. It almost felt unreal, as if it never even happened at all. And as the search for Morgana continued through this time, the strain on both of them becoming more present, and several more attacks on both of their persons, without the kissing at the end, it really was as if it never happened. Then, they had actually found Morgana and Merlin's fear of what she might do or say at a constant throbbing in the back of his mind, well...it took the idea of kissing right out of Merlin's mind entirely.
They celebrated, all of Camelot celebrated, every single person except Merlin...and maybe Gaius, although he did look a little too pleased to see a person who had turned against them, tried to kill them and then whom Merlin unsuccessfully tried to murder. Basically, this was a problem and Gaius shouldn't look so happy, Merlin definitely didn't. He looked like the sourest apple in the batch, at least according to Arthur, who was more drunk than Merlin ever seen him. That is not to say Merlin was not drunk, too. But while Arthur was drunk on happiness and excitement, Merlin was drunk with depression and fear. These were two very different kinds of drunk.
Merlin was sitting in an empty chambers off of the second floor, this was the only place away from the noise of the celebrations, and even so when the party-goers got a little too rowdy Merlin could still hear them. It was like he couldn't escape. He wasn't even allowed to. Merlin had sat there for a long time, the drink he had taken with him was long gone and the effects were starting to wear off. He was just considering leaving to head to bed, just entirely leaving Arthur to his own devices. Somehow the Prince would get back to his chambers eventually, not everything had to fall onto Merlin. It was at this moment, though, that the door to the room began to crack and low, warm-ish, yellow light filled in. Merlin looked up, squinting his eyes to see who it was. It was Arthur, of course. It figures...
"There are you," he said, as he walked inside the room and shut the door behind him. He paused there and looked at Merlin. "Why are you all alone in here?"
"What, did you think I was here with somebody else?" retorted Merlin and Arthur's eyes narrowed. He walked closer and then sat down on the step between the empty bed and the fire place, where Merlin was sitting. 'It is the only place that's quiet..."
"Why are you so upset?" Arthur asked, and his S's were kind of slurring a little bit. "I thought you would be happy we found Morgana."
"I am," Merlin lied, he let out a breath and then looked down at his hands. He didn't know what to say, so he went with a lie but also the truth. "I just feel...strange around Morgana."
"Hm," said Arthur, and Merlin could hear a laugh in his throat. "Don't tell my father that..."
"Not that kind of strange," retorted Merlin, and he knew he couldn't talk to Arthur about anything serious right now, and not ever really. So, he didn't say anything else.
"You know..." Arthur said slowly then, moving a little closer to Merlin as he spoke. "I always thought you fancied Morgana."
"I don't," Merlin answered quickly, because one, he already knew Arthur thought that, and two, he didn't want to be associated with her. But Arthur couldn't really know that.
"Good," said Arthur warmly. "She's way too much for you anyway. You need someone softer...less mean."
"So...Gwen?" Merlin smirked and Arthur looked over with a glare. "Oh, but I forgot...I have too big of competition."
"I wouldn't say I'm competition."
Merlin grinned, "I was talking about Lancelot." Arthur frowned at this and Merlin's grin turned into a full smile. Arthur was such an idiot, in a good way...just this once. "Because you 'don't love her!'" Merlin faked Arthur's voice to sound much more stupid than he really did and Arthur's glare returned then, tenfold, and he reached over and slapped Merlin in the arm. "Ow...Prat."
They sat in silence for a moment or two, the only sound in the room was their slightly labored breathing and a faint laughter coming from another part of the castle. "So you've never fancied anyone in Camelot?" asked Arthur then, and Merlin had to wonder why he cared so much, why did it matter?
"No," answered Merlin, with more or less the truth, or really...not the truth at all, and then grinned again. "Unless you count Gwaine, he was nice to look at..."
"Gwaine?!" retorted Arthur with distaste very present. "You can't be serious."
"Why?" asked Merlin pointedly. "Because he is a man?"
Arthur took pause at this, looking at Merlin rather too seriously for a drunk person, apparently choosing if he was going to have a problem with that fact, he apparently chose not to. "No," he retorted. "Because he's ugly!"
Merlin scoffed, "He is not!"
"Oh please, I am ten times better looking than Gwaine!"
Merlin laughed darkly. "Not even close!" he retorted. "Gwaine is way better looking...and kisses pretty nicely, too."
"You kissed him?!" asked Arthur then, in a mix of outrage and something that sounded kind of hurt. Merlin shrugged, because yes he had, they had been pretty drunk but he remembered it rather clearly. "Why would you kiss him?!"
"I...-" Merlin didn't actually know how to answer that, why wouldn't he? He didn't have any reason not to. "...don't know how to answer that?"
"I'm disgusted," retorted Arthur and Merlin had an idea that he really meant that, too. "Really...I'm ashamed of you. You could do so much better than Gwaine."
"Really, who?" said Merlin then, feeling not only offended for himself, but Gwaine as well. Gwaine was his friend after all, and there was nothing wrong with him.
"Anyone!" retorted Arthur loudly. Merlin wished they weren't having this conversation at all, all of a sudden, he would much rather be alone again.
"How? How can I find love when I always....have you?" he retorted back, in a bit of a shout and Arthur took pause then, staring at him. He didn't know what that meant, or maybe he did...in one way or another, and Merlin never shouted, at least not at him. But it was true and he wanted Arthur to understand that, Merlin always had Arthur, had his destiny to think about. Love didn't fit into that anywhere, Merlin had accepted that a long time ago. "I'm destined to be alone, I know that..."
Arthur didn't say anything, he just stared at him, Merlin looked back for a moment, their eyes met during this time, searching each other's for answers. But then Merlin looked away, down at the ground, and he thought about getting up, leaving, making Arthur go to bed, but he didn't do anything. He just sat there. And then he felt something covering the hand he had resting on his left knee, he looked over and there was Arthur's hand, covering his. Which was odd, because that never really happened before. He looked back up and over at Arthur, and Arthur smiled at him, a kind smile, a smile Merlin rarely got. That was saved for Lady's or Gwen...mostly Gwen.
"Merlin..." he said softly, but said nothing else. He was looking at Merlin as if he had wanted to say something profound, or very interesting, but he didn't say anything at all. Merlin was about to ask him 'what,' to press it out of him, whatever sort of nonsense he was about to say, but then the air grew thick, and Arthur suddenly was very close to him. He was leaning in, and then leaning in even more, until Arthur's lips brushed against Merlin's. In a soft sort of way this time. Rather than that one time in the woods, where Arthur had mashed their mouths together in some form of unchecked excitement. Now it was like he was asking Merlin if it was okay to kiss him, and really no...it wasn't, but like hell if Merlin was going to tell him that.
Merlin pressed back into Arthur's chased kiss and then they were kissing, just really kissing each other, with their whole mouths and everything. It was unlike any kiss Merlin had before, not that it was so different, in a kissing sense, because Merlin knew how to kiss and had kissed before, but it was the way that Arthur sucked all of the air out of Merlin's lungs entirely. It was almost alarming how dependent Merlin felt he was on him, in every way, from the way his lips moved against his, to the way he tasted. A little bit like mead, but mostly like grapes, Merlin couldn't survive without these things. The kiss only got deeper, Merlin's hand went to the back of Arthur's head, pushing him closer, and Arthur's hand on his knee snaked to his hip instead.
Merlin knew this couldn't continue, he also knew this was probably only happening because Arthur was drunk, would Arthur kiss him like this normally? Probably not. He knew he should stop this, pull away or something, allowing this to happen was bad, it was awful...Arthur would be angry at him if he actually knew what was happening. But Merlin didn't stop it, didn't pull away, they only continued to kiss, harder, as if something bad would happen if they stopped, spit was everywhere, Arthur's tongue was running along the top of Merlin's mouth, making him gasp, and then there was a bang...a very loud bang, in the hallway right outside of the door. They pulled apart then, quickly, as if nothing had been happening at all, almost as if they were not caught red-handed in this situation. Arthur looked to the door, and then back to Merlin, and then Arthur recoiled himself into a proper sitting position, as if confused about how he had gotten there or why this was happening. Merlin didn't say anything, as loud giggles came bouncing into the room from underneath the door. Merlin just stood up, careful not to look at Arthur. He was scared to, if he were being perfectly honest, he couldn't look at him. He headed for the door.
"Goodnight, Arthur," he said, without looking back, and then he slipped from the empty room, leaving Arthur there, alone.
(A/N: Hello! Listen, I never meant to take this long to get chapter 2 up, but I just am very busy. But thankfully school is over now, work is busy but hopefully I have more time. ALSO! I know they wouldn't have met Gwaine until later into season 3, but ignore that fact, I don't care about canon accuracy for this story. Enjoy!)