Chapter 8: When Neji met Naruto

February 2019

When I first met Naruto, I

Neji groaned and scratched the piece of paper he had been working on. He held himself from scrunching the paper in a ball and tossing it on the floor because this would have been too dramatic for his character.

Truth is, Neji knew what he wanted to write in his speech for his friend's and cousin's wedding, but he couldn't bring himself to put it on paper.

Now, out of all the possible ridiculous situations fate could have put him in, he was stuck writing a speech as Naruto's best man for his wedding. Wedding that would happen in one week, and he still had nothing prepared for the speech that he was supposed to write.

The thing is, Neji did not want to think about the first time he met Naruto because, indirectly, it brought up bad memories of a side of him he had tried to forget.

Neji looked at the scribbled speech he had started to write, then his eyes leveled up to the bed of the flat he started renting back in October. He wanted a sort of bachelor lodgings when he didn't feel like cohabiting at the frat house or when he needed more privacy than Hyuga Mansion could offer.

In all truth, the reason why he had rented it was laying naked in his bed right now, her back to him, pretending to be asleep. His gaze slid longingly over her perfect curvature. Lying on her side, her hip jutting up upward, the warm lights of his desk lamp casting an amber glow on her golden skin. All he wanted to do was abandon the incomplete speech on his desk and glide his hands all over her body.

"You overthink too much, Tenten." He smirked, slowly walking back to the bed. At the sound of his voice, she turned around. His heart skipped a beat like it always did whenever her eyes landed on his.

"Says who." She teased him with a sleepy smile, and he laid down next to her, pulled her naked body closer to him, feeling the satisfying fire in his belly when her soft, warm skin pressed against him. He let his arm encircle her by the waist, and his other hand went to softly caress her cheek.

"You should sleep." He whispered against the top of her head.

"You first," she mumbled against his torso, but a few seconds later, he could feel her become heavier on top of him and knew she had fallen asleep.

As he did ever so often since they had first slept together six months ago, he let his finger trace circles over her skin and let his mind wander, thinking of her.

The morning after their first night together was tense. Well, for Neji, it was. He woke up before the break of dawn, feeling nauseous and crippled with guilt. Gently prying her arms off of him to not wake her up, Neji quietly made his way to find her bathroom.

What had he done? To Tenten on top of everything. He couldn't be casual with her. He couldn't afford to do anything that might hurt her more. Or worse, give her any hopes that… That he could…

He couldn't even bring himself to complete this thought because the truth is he didn't know what she would expect of him, but it certainly would be more than what he was willing to give at the moment.

He splashed cold water on his face before drying it off and opening Tenten's bathroom doors to see her awake, standing in all her glory in his button-down shirt, looking embarrassedly at him.

"Sorry," She started, holding her arm with her opposite hand, her legs long and toned crossed in an awkward stance. "I took the first thing I found on the floor."

That was a bit of a lie. She could have taken any other t-shirt in her closet, but she wanted to bask in his smell again and maybe leave some of hers on it.

Neji shook his head because the sight of her in his clothing felt oddly gratifying, like she belonged there, and it calmed his raging thoughts a bit.

"What about we talk a little bit?" She offered. "I'll make us some coffee."

Neji nodded silently, following her lead in the kitchen. He seated himself on their kitchen table, avidly gazing at her every move. How the shirt hutched up just before the curve of her ass when she stretched to grab two mugs on a higher level shelf. Her hair was back in her usual buns, and something in him quieted a little. A smiling Tenten adorned with symmetrical buns waiting for him always felt like coming home, and he'd been away for too long.

He gazed at her and had this flash of what life could be if he didn't make things so complicated. How they could wake up every day at dawn. They both always woke up so early. As usual, he would wake up before her and get to see her stir from sleep, still in his arms. She'd smile lazily at him, and he'd kiss her softly to start his day. They probably would go for a run in the morning like they used to when they were teenagers. She always did love the early morning's crisp air and the quiet streets beckoning everyone else was still soundly sleeping.

She'd probably prepare the coffee while he quickly showered because that would be her first priority of the day. While she showered, he would probably fix breakfast because, let's face it, he was the better cook of the two and did know how to toast bread without burning it every time. He would get to start each day with her voice because Tenten was the most excited in the morning. She'd enthusiastically tell him all about her projects of the day while dancing on her seat and buttering up a toast. She was always happy and bright after her first sips of coffee and bites of toast, warm chestnut eyes gleaming at the prospect of what a whole new day could offer her. Anything could spur her in the morning, the idea of studying in the library or planning to go to the skate park after school. He wondered what made her giddy in the morning now since all the examples he had in mind dated from their high school days.

The brewing machine stopped its little gurgling noise, and Neji put an end to his little reverie. That could simply never happen for Tenten's own good. He'd have to convince her of that without having to explain his irrational fear, without having to dig in something he was not yet ready to acknowledge.

All the while she prepared the coffee, Tenten tried to rehearse in her head what to say, trying to lower her expectations. It was Neji, after all. She couldn't let her imagination run wild. They gave in to each other in the spur of the moment. It was unreasoned, unforeseen and untamable. The desire that had culminated through the years could simply not be contained.

The moment she threw her arms around his neck, the moment she surrendered, she had accepted this fate. Neji was not going to be ready for a relationship with her. And until yesterday, she had resigned herself to believe that a romantic relationship with him was simply not possible because he held only platonic feelings towards her. But this was simply not the case anymore. This was simply not true anymore. And it probably never was.

Tenten was not an expert in many things, but she could always read Neji like she could read her own soul. Well, that was until Fu. After that, with the whirlpool of unsolicited feeling bursting like an unattended abscess, the waters between her and Neji became too murky for her to see within him like she used to.

But yesterday was unmistakable. She couldn't keep fooling herself that he didn't love her so. Not with the way he held her. Not with the way he kissed her. Not with the way he made love to her. And most importantly, Neji couldn't keep fooling her that he didn't love her so.

He did with despair and a pang of guilt that was as crushing as the pure agonizing desire he had shown yesterday. She had wanted to feel him as close as possible. It was physically painful whenever he pulled away from her, even for an inch, even for a minute. Everything became too cold, too numb, too uncomfortable. And she could feel it was the same for him. He hadn't let go of her for one second since the moment they had kissed in his car. Even when they slept, he kept his arms around her, securing her next to him.

She woke up so often during the night, afraid he would be gone. But here he was, every single time, his warm breath on her forehead soothing her back to sleep.

Now, the reasonable thing would have been to never have kissed him back. And never have kissed him again. And again. And again. And not have undressed him. Not have run her mouth on every inch of his skin.

During the brief second where her foot was dangling over the pavement, her rational side told her this was a mistake. That he clearly had not dealt with Fu's death properly yet. That he seemed as emotionally confused and guarded as ever. That she had made too much progress to screw it all up for a night with him. Still, she knew all these down-to-earth thoughts would not matter in the balance of her love for him, her need for him.

Because the truth is, Tenten preferred a lifetime of excruciating misery than to live a life where she had never known the feel of his lips hungrily searching for hers, of his skin gliding against hers as she lost her breath when he squeezed her so firmly in his arms. She would accept a thousand heartbreaks for a single of his kisses. And others might think her foolish, unreasonable, desperate, and maybe broken. But Tenten knew acutely well that she could nurse a heartbreak, but she could never live down the regret of never having had him when she had a chance to.

But even as foolishly and blindingly in love as she was, she was aware enough that Neji was still not ready for a relationship. At best, he could offer her their friendship back if she so desired. But Tenten didn't want it anymore. Well, she didn't want just that anymore.

It was as if once he had fitted in her so perfectly, the rest of the world stopped doing so. Now the rest of her life felt like an old pair of jeans that she outgrew, and she couldn't go back. She couldn't go back pretending that there wasn't something excessively rare, intense, precious, and vibrant, almost spiritual, linking the two of them.

It was like seeing colours for the first time or hearing music with virgin ears. She simply couldn't go back to a world where a thousand symphonies didn't simultaneously harmonize and where colours didn't adorn every gift of life and nature.

She couldn't unsee what happened between them and what their bodies spoke to each other couldn't be unheard.

But because she was expert in everything Neji, because she could denote and read all the hues and tones of his so carefully guarded pearly-white eyes, Tenten knew Neji probably wished nothing more but to take it all back.

And in a way, this made her angry and sad, but mostly angry. Because she was not ashamed of what they did, and she regretted none of it. So why would he? She was a grown woman who knew what she got herself into. And she would redo this same choice at every opportunity given to her.

She placed the coffee mugs on the table and sat down in front of him. She barely had time to bring the cup to her lips that he firmly stated :

"I cannot give you what you want." He looked her dead in the eyes. His tone was soft, gentle, and apologetic.

She took a sip of her coffee. "I know." She put the mug down. "I did not expect you to."

Whenever he was surprised, the white of his irises became a bit warmer, like Jasmin under the sun.

Neji didn't know why he was so taken aback. It was Tenten, after all. No one could read him like she did. Sometimes it scared him how much access she had to his most vulnerable states that he kept so securely hidden and out of reach for others.

Although today, it reassured him. That after all the distance and the fights, Tenten was still the girl who appraised him in one single look. And so could he. Whenever he needed to know she was doing good, he only needed a single glance in her direction to scan her entire being. She was an open book to him. And much to his relief, she seemed content. Confused and thoughtful, but content.

Tenten noted that whenever he became serious, the white of his eyes became more piercing and cutting, like razor-sharp icicles.

"It cannot happen again," Neji stated, his voice carefully controlled to avoid any emotion transpiring through his words.

And whenever he was sad, Tenten perceived that the white would glisten, like crystallized snow under a moonlit night sky.

"I don't regret it." Tenten managed a small smile.

"Me neither." His gaze softened.

And when Neji loved, his eyes were pure intense white, like white-hot metal in a brazen fire.

"I should go." He stated while getting up.

So much for talking, Tenten thought.

But she also knew now was not the moment for a long and drawn-out conversation to put the past behind them. They were still dealing with the aftermath of what happened last night, and they would need time on their own to understand what that meant for them going forward. And if Tenten knew something about Neji is that she couldn't rush him. And the truth is, even she didn't know what she wanted or not at this point.

So Tenten only nodded and followed him to the door, watching him quietly as he put his shoes back on. He stood up again. Only when he towered a few inches above the petite brunette did they notice they were so close. Tenten gulped, and Neji's breath became the slightest more laboured. And then there was this awkward moment where they didn't know if they should hug or not. They tentatively tried, which brought Neji's face closer to hers.

His eyes probably lingered a little more than they should have on her lips and her hands probably strayed a little longer than they should have on his arms.

"It cannot happen again." He murmured an inch from her lips.

She drew a sharp breath, her voice dripping with desire: "Maybe after today?"

He weakly nodded and closed the distance to deposit a chaste kiss on her lips. Unlike the other kiss, this one was more delicate, almost hesitant, but incredibly tender, and it didn't take more for Tenten to feel her knees were gelly. So she gripped his shoulder harder and pressed herself against him for more support. This seemed to have erased any remaining hesitation because the second after he pushed her against the wall, his hand firmly pushing her hip against the hard surface and his other forearm resting on the wall above her head, trapping her beneath him while he deepened the kiss.

All the while, Tenten's hands had been busy unfastening his belt and unbuttoning his jeans. When she wrapped her leg around him, he brought his hands under the long shirt she was wearing so he could cup her buttocks and lift her up. She wrapped her legs around him, and what could not happen again, happened again in her entryway.

And again in her shower. And again in her bedroom.

Come late afternoon, when they were silently eating Chinese take-out in her bed, he finally proceeded to apologize, and he got out of his chest everything he had meant to tell her.

"I'm sorry for how I handled things with Fu." He said, digging his chopsticks in his chow mein. "For not telling you about her. And reacting so poorly when you told me you wanted to go to Suna."

"I'm sorry for going away without telling you." She lowered her eyes, the sesame dumpling she was holding suddenly blurrier. "I was just too hurt." Her voice was heavy.

"I know," Neji whispered. "I was self-centered."

"I should have told you earlier, though." Tenten took a small bite of her favourite food. "I just didn't know how. I tried to call you to apologize. I never wanted to lose you." She tentatively threw him a look.

"I wanted to reach out to you." He admitted, eyes like glistening snow. "Many times. I just didn't trust myself because the last time I talked to you, everything came out so wrong. I was scared to say or do something that would drive us even further apart."

Warm brown eyes widened in surprise. "You could never…" She slowly shook her head.

"But, I did. Didn't I?" His eyes locked on hers.

When Neji was in pain, his eyes took on a more austere hue, like white roses when they started to wither.

"At Fu's funeral." He continued. "I'm sorry for what I said to you. I should have apologized sooner, but everything was too overwhelming at the time, and then it felt like it was too late to do anything. Still, I should have called you and apologized. I'm sorry."

Tenten slowly nodded. "Yeah, you were a real jerk that night." She cracked him a mischievous smile. "But the apology is accepted." She took another bite of her favourite dumplings. Tenten had wanted to ask him about Fu's letter but then again thought it was too soon in their mending relationship to bring back those memories. Also, she should let him approach the subject whenever he felt ready to do so.

Neji smiled.

"And I'm sorry you had to meet Kankuro like this." She replied.

'It's not like I gave you any other choice." He smirked.

And then what was not supposed to happen happened again, the day after, when he came back to her door, panting after running up her stairs to the tenth story because her elevator was under maintenance.

"Is your roommate still away?" He managed between two breaths.

And Tenten took a grip of his shirt, dragging him in.

And what could not happen again happened again, mid-week, when Tenten climbed the window of his room in the frat house. She knew she would have stayed away, but really at the moment, she was content even if he was just physically accessible and that she couldn't hope for more.

Neji knew he shouldn't have put his hand behind her neck and pulled her to him as soon as her feet touched his floor, but he hadn't been able to sleep while the ghost sensation of her skin haunted his dreams. And like a miracle, here she appeared, hot and flustered. How could his hands not rush under her blouse, relishing in a skin they had memorized so fervently during the weekend?

He thanked all of his lucky stars that Naruto had spent the night at his folks' when Tenten pushed him down his bed and straddled him, exquisitely smiling at him, ever so delectably torturing him with the slow roll of her hips against the painful strain of his desire.

And it happened again on the weekend when Neji climbed her window when she went to spend her Saturday night with her parents. They had exchanged a shy smile at what had happened the last time they were both in her bedroom. Then they proceeded to erase every inch of that memory from the walls with a new one. A hushed and heavenly one. She bit his shoulder to keep any treacherous sound from alerting her parents of what was happening. When she woke up at dawn to his goodbye kiss, she wondered what her younger self would think of all of this. Excited? Unbelieving? Sad? Admonishing? Pleased?

It happened again the following weekend when after giving Hanabi a book she had been interested in reading, Tenten secretly slid in his room at Hyuga Mansion, knowing he had babysitting duty with his younger cousin that day. He said nothing when she slid in his shower. He just shoved her against the wall going straight for her weak spot at the nook of her neck, and kissed her to swallow all her moans of pleasure, wishing he could hear all the wavering tones and range of emotions her voice could muster with each of his thrust.

That's when Neji got the idea of having his own flat, a space for them where they wouldn't have to rush or hush. Because there was nothing else he desired more than being able to hear her scream his name without any restraint. Where she could spend the night, and he'd get to see her fall asleep without them having to part too quickly out of fear of being discovered.

October passed, and what shouldn't have happened again happened many, many, many times after. At first, they each thought that by giving in to their lust, they would be able to quench it, and it would die on its own. But instead, the fire grew and grew, and their risqué Rendez-vous became more frequent and urgent.

Their ever-growing passion led them to explore more and more the vast domain of their unbinding lust. Trying out new things even Neji had never done before, which left him wondering if he would ever get enough of her. By November, it became apparent to him he could never have enough of Tenten. She still lit his skin on fire with a single look. She made him crazy, and she didn't have to do much to send him in a frenzy and uncontrollable need to have her. Sometimes in the most improper setting, like he'd see her walking down the hallway at university and next thing she knew, she was being pulled into an empty closet, his hands sneaking down her shirt.

Somewhere along the way, they had reached a silent understanding of not trying to figure out anything, or just trying to enjoy whatever spark of respite the heavens had granted them, each thoroughly aware of how precarious their situation was, how a single displaced breath could make it all topple like a house of cards.

It was mid-November that, while she was studying with Temari in their living room, that the blonde said out of the blue :

"Are you still going to pretend you're not fucking Hyuga or..?"

Tenten looked up from her notebook, startled, and looked at her friend, who had still her eyes glued to her textbook, nibbling the pen in her mouth as if she hadn't just said the most shocking of things.

Temari rolled her eyes, finally looking back at her friend. "You didn't think you were subtle, did you?" She raised a brow.

Tenten laughed embarrassedly, not really knowing what to say.

"I hope you know what you're doing." Temari tried to be supportive but couldn't hide the wariness in her voice.

Tenten smiled tiredly. "It's probably my most stupid and self-destructive idea. And it's going to hurt like a motherfucker when it will all come crashing down. I'll probably have my heart broken in a million pieces…" She trailed, biting her lips, trying to find the right words to express how she found a sense of peace and happiness through all these bad decisions. "But it's going to be worth it. For me, a fragment of him is worth all the heartaches."

Tenten laughed at the disbelieving look Temari gave her. "I know how pathetic it is." Tenten shrugged. "But that's where I'm at right now."

Temari quickly tried to erase the judgment from her features and sighed, in a way discouraged by her friend's questionable decision but also unable to reprimand her. After all, Temari may not be able to understand, and it may kill her that her friend's affection was on someone she thought undeserving of her love, but she couldn't judge. She was lucky enough that the man she loved was not uncertain and that they did not share a complicated past.

So it was easy for her to think relationships should always be straightforward and simple, but if Shikamaru had been in a position that made things complex between them, she would probably have stuck by him a little longer too.

Yet, Temari couldn't calm down the dread building within her. She had seen Tenten utterly broken by Neji, and their situation didn't seem like one that would have a happy ending anytime soon. She hadn't seen Neji much, but if anything from what she knew, he didn't seem ready for anything serious. And she couldn't bring herself to accept Tenten's choice if it meant her friend's downfall, mainly when it could be so preventable.

As if sensing her inner turmoil, Tenten added with a laugh: "You'll get to say 'I told you so' and brag about how right you were." The brunette grinned at her friend.

"Fine, then," Temari smirked back.

They went back to their books, but a couple of minutes in their readings, Temari broke the silence again:

"Jokes aside, when it'll hurt like a motherfucker. I'll be here for you."

Tenten smiled. "I know."

"I'll still shout on all the rooftops that I predicted it." The sandy blonde warned.

Tenten laughed. "Oh, I know you will, you little judgy Virgo."

Temari threw her a cushion with a huff.

oOo

Now almost three months after her discussion with Temari and a week before Naruto's and Hinata's wedding, Tenten lay wide awake in Neji's bed, pretending to be asleep as she heard him scratch his paper for the tenth time. She stared at the window next to the bed, following with her gaze the erratic way of Konoha's first snowflakes of the season.

And all Tenten could think of at that moment was Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle.

Which, granted, was a very peculiar thing to think about when one was naked in the bed of the man she loved. Truly, she should be having other things on her mind than quantum mechanics principles.

But she couldn't help it, and she didn't even know why her mind went there. The last time she thought of that was when she passed her MCAT three years ago, and she had to learn it.

One cannot know the exact position and velocity of an electron at a given time.

She couldn't even remember why this was the case. Something about the light reflecting on the electron that moved so fast that by the time the light reached your eye, its position/trajectory had already changed.

Something of the likes.

Well, if she really thought about it, Tenten could emit a hypothesis on why this popped in her mind. In a way, this principle also applied to the boy whose disarrayed feelings had been too messy to understand as of late.

Neji's emotions were like unstable electrons, moving so fast, hiding away so quickly, that by the time she spotted one, Neji's thought trajectory had already changed, which made it very difficult for Tenten to follow him and understand him.

And if for electrons that meant one could not simultaneously know their position and velocity; with Neji, it meant Tenten could not be simultaneously loved physically and emotionally by him.

And for the life of her, she couldn't understand why. When they were teenagers, Tenten thought he could only love her platonically. Thus, he had given her all his emotional love. He was always open and accessible to her, and while he could be an asshole to pretty much anyone else, he was always affectionate and kind with her, even in his own reserved and sometimes cold way.

But now that he loved her physically, now that he made love to her like his soul was only nourished by her kisses and pleasure; now, he was so emotionally closed off she would have greater chances of breaking in Area 51. And it boggled her mind because he used to be so open to her, so easily accessible. Yet, now that they are physically entangled, he was emotionally distant.

The only conclusion Tenten could reach was that if emotional availability times physical affection equaled romance: Neji was actively avoiding being romantically involved with her, which meant he always had to nullify one of the two variables.

In other words, she could either be his fuck friend or his best friend. But never both, because that would mean she'd become the girlfriend, and Neji couldn't have that.

And even though this piece of information wasn't exactly new, it made less sense today than it did months or years ago. Because now Tenten Maito was convinced that Neji Hyuga loved her.

He loved her like she loved him, with burning lust and devoted care. It was no grand declaration, no life-changing epiphany. It just occurred with every kiss and every caress. How he sometimes slowed to relish in her longer. How he bit, how he teased, how he put his arms around her, protectively, possessively. How demanding he could be and how giving he always was. How he tensed up whenever she was slightly uncomfortable or when her brows furrowed when reading a text, and how he instantly relaxed whenever she smiled at him.

Neji Hyuga loved her.

And this should have made her ecstatic, but it didn't because something was blocking him, something was scaring him. At first, she thought it was Fu. She thought he still had unresolved feelings for her, raging guilt about not being there for her enough. She had wanted to talk about his letter with him. What did Fu tell him that made him feel so guilty? But she thought against it, better not to press Neji on this kind of subject. It is better when he talks about it himself.

But even if Fu was probably an element of the blockage, there was something else. And Tenten had thought really long and hard about it in the past weeks, reviewing everything she knew about him that could explain his reticence with letting her in completely, wholly.

And Tenten finally found it. Or at least she thought she did, but she couldn't verify that hypothesis herself. And if it was really what she was thinking about, then this relationship was even more unhealthy than she had previously thought, and Neji would need to deal with some things first before engaging with her again. She couldn't be his therapist. Nor would he want her to. If there was any chance that it could work between them, she would have to leave him so he could get the space necessary to acknowledge it himself.

"You overthink too much, Tenten." She heard him say, and she turned around to see him walking back to bed.

"Says who." She teased him, realizing as he got into bed and dragged her into his arms that this was it. The world was collapsing again; just like she told Temari, it was all crashing down.

"You should sleep." He whispered against the top of her head.

"You first," she mumbled against his torso, and as she fell asleep, she promised herself she would make things right. Just not tonight, but at least this week.