When they first met – Chapter 9
When Naruto met Hinata
"The first time I met you," The energetic blond boy began his vows, holding Hinata's hands. "I had no idea my life was about to be turned upside-down."
Next to Naruto, Neji had only eyes for Tenten, who was next to Hinata. He desperately needed to see her, to be reminded she still existed, that she was near him even if far away. She had tried to avoid his eyes, and he had tried to stop staring at her. But he couldn't. Because if Naruto's world had been turned upside down when Hinata entered it, for Neji, it was when Tenten had left.
The first time she had left him for the south capital, and he had been broken in a way he hadn't mended yet.
"Sometimes I think of all the time I wasted, not seeing you when you were right here all along. And it hurts. It hurts to know I have been orbiting around heavens and have locked myself out of it because I couldn't see clearly for so long."
Tenten finally settled her eyes on him, and he could understand why she had been avoiding his scrutinizing gaze so adamantly. She was trying to reel back in her tears, and nothing was more excruciating than having to stuff all your feelings down because your best friend was getting married, and your face should only show joy for her.
She bit her lips when Naruto talked about wasted time, and it was not wasted on Neji how ironic the sentence felt to the both of them. Because they also had their fair share of it. But they hadn't figure out a way out of this mess, or if Neji was honest to himself, he hadn't. Tenten was already waiting for him on the other side, and he could hear her, telling him to join her, but he was stuck. He didn't have the key to the door. He couldn't even find the exit. It was like he was lost in a mirrored labyrinth, and whenever he tried to find the way out, all he could see was himself, warped and distorted in his mind. Her voice would echo:
Get out of there, come, Neji, come!
And he just wanted to yell back, 'I don't know how! I don't know how!', but his words couldn't reach the outside of his internal maze. All he had was himself staring back at him, reminding him the only way out was through confronting himself.
"You have no idea how much I love you. You have no idea. Loving you almost hurts because I live in constant fear of not having enough of you or of losing you."
Her eyes blinked a few times. For fuck's sake, she was so pretty and too far away for his liking. Her gaze tried to focus on their friends, but it would inadvertently go back to him, in a torturous cycle of trying to forget him but running back to him all the time.
He was scared. He was scared that one day she would say enough and she would not come back. And she would have no idea how much he loved her; he'd have lost his chance to get out of the maze and finally find her and hold her close and never let her go.
"You alight everything good in me. You pushed me forward whenever I felt everything was lost."
Naruto's voice felt so far away now like he was listening to him underwater. Neji's mind was occupied with memories of Tenten racing through, intertwined with Naruto's speech as a soundtrack. All the times she had been there for him, how her smile could light up the darkest, most tedious nights spent studying, how her cheering screams were the one he could pinpoint diving in, racing through the water during a swimming competition.
And one souvenir, in particular, came to mind. Her hand was on his shoulder, under a cloudy sky, as he looked at his mother's tomb just after the end of the funeral service. Everybody had walked away except her. She stayed there next to him. And when he told her she should leave, she came closer.
She didn't tell him he would be ok, that everything would be alright like anyone else had. She told him, 'we will be ok, we will go through it.' For someone who felt as unrooted as he did when left without a mother, hearing her tell him so naturally, they were a 'we' anchored him again in this world.
Since then, he had hold on to her with cautious despair, for she was the only place left where he still belonged.
"You believed in me when I gave up on myself. You protected me and raised me, and defended me. And it's crazy for me, you know? Because I never thought I deserved someone who loved me so fiercely as you did, but here I am. The luckiest man on earth."
Tenten had been there, every step of his life. He grew up watching her, sometimes openly, but most of the time secretly. Sometimes this made him laugh, how she had no clue how desperately in love he had been.
Every stolen glance directed at her because he liked the way she nibbled her pen when reading, how she would tuck her bangs behind her ear, how she tried to hide her tears at the end of a Disney movie because she was just a sucker for happy endings, how her tongue poked out when she concentrated hard on trying to beat him when they played video games.
Sometimes he stared more intently when she was focused enough. When she skateboarded at the park, or when she couldn't choose what to wear or what to put in her suitcase. When she talked on the phone with Ino while walking in circles in her bedroom, listening to her friend ramble on a new life-changing-but-really-ordinary-event of the blonde's life. He'd pretend to read, but his eyes followed her every movement.
And it's funny how she never noticed he could be stuck on the same page for hours.
"Hinata, I love you now, and I'll love you for the rest of my life. I vow to protect your happiness and work so that it only continues to grow. I vow to always see you, exactly as you are. Strong, fierce, a fighter."
It was also funny that she always thought she fell for him first while he did years before she actually thought about romance. He was just better at hiding it or, maybe, ignoring it than her.
Neji Hyuga had been sure he had loved Tenten Maito since he was nine years old, and he held her crying in his arms because she had just lost her bunny Sunnee.
Sure enough, it started as an innocent crush. But nothing was ever innocent and childish for long with Neji. To his father's exasperation, Neji stubbornly became adult-like at the age of nine. In fact, the only time he allowed himself a resemblance of childishness was with Tenten. So he was pretty sure of his feelings for the brunette from the get-go.
He didn't need to mature to know there would be no one else but her and that for this exact reason, it couldn't be her. Because if he lost her, then he would be left with only no one else.
"And to honour who you are with every fibre of my being. I vow to watch Gilmore Girls with you in the fall and go skiing with you in the winter, even though I can't hold my own on a slippery slope. But above all that, I vow you to continue loving you, to choose you every day, against everything else. I love you, Hinata. Now and forever."
Hinata's eyes were red and watery, tears threatening to spill over at any time. She squeezed her husband-to-be's hands a little tighter, trying to find her voice through the knot in her throat that formed during Naruto's speech.
"I love you," She whispered only to him.
Neji threw another glance at Tenten as his cousin prepared herself to give her vows. It was agony to see her so close after their recent goodbyes. He just wanted to kiss her senseless so she would forget about everything else she had said, just so he could entrap her in his embrace.
But he knew this would be the cruellest thing to do to her. He also knew she was right, and deep down, he couldn't help but wish for the same thing too. An uncomplicated relationship where he could lay himself bare in front of her, without any barriers between them. He wanted that too; he just didn't know how to get her.
He watched Tenten struggle with her raging emotions he could read so clearly. All the shades and tones and hues of browns with freckled amber and golden undertones. He could decipher them all. Under his eyes, her skin was like a parchment where her feelings inked onto it. Just like him, during Naruto and Hinata's speeches, all she could think of, all that haunted her were memories of them and an earnest, devouring need to see them find their way to each other like their friends did.
When Hinata finished her speech, tear-eyed and trembling of joy and love in her now-husband's arms when the doves were released, and the rice was being thrown: that's when she mouthed it, for his eyes only to see.
And his heart stopped.
Hinata cleared her throat and started with her loudest voice. "I know the first time we met was officially when you punched Neji on my behalf, but before that, I had already fallen in love with you long ago."
Tenten couldn't help but smile a little at the recollection. She remembered Neji calling her so she could come get him at the infirmary. He didn't want his father and uncle to see him in this state and asked her to sleep at her place. Though, really, Neji feared Tenten's reaction most of all. She knew he blamed Hinata a lot for his mother's passing, and in his disarrayed attempt to grief, he took it out a lot on the younger girl. Ever so kind and patient, Hinata never fought him back when he was cruel to her.
It took some time before Tenten could notice this newly hostile behaviour towards his cousin. Whereas before he spoiled Hanabi and Hinata, always rushing to their aid, he became cold and distant with them. Moreover, with Hinata, he became verbally abusive when the two were alone. It was a few months after his mother passed away that she came unannounced to the Hyuga mansion, and she heard him insult her over broken glass while Hinata stammered excuses while trying to collect the pieces together.
Their brown-haired friend stood in the doorway completely in shock, not recognizing Neji. She knew he had changed dramatically since losing his mother. In fact, the only person he hadn't closed himself to was her. She was the only one he still talked to with consideration and sometimes even affection. The only one he accepted to hang out with. Tenten guessed that in his most vulnerable state, Neji tended to retract to feel safer and allowed only her to come close enough because she was the only one he trusted enough, that felt safe enough.
But she would have never thought he could be so vindictive and ruthless with his cousin, him, who valued family above all else. She had dragged him to his room, and for a few minutes on his bed, he looked at the emptiness stubbornly, not admitting fault or showing guilt. But she knew him enough. Those feelings were inside, and were battling a rage his thirteen-year-old body couldn't quite contain or make sense of. She had made him promise he would stop being so cruel to Hinata, and after hesitating a while, he finally accepted, but he told her it was only because of her.
When she rushed to the infirmary, she first did as she leaned against the door, panting, and asked him if he was ok. He was looking straight ahead, and a small smile grazed his lips, and he reassured her all was well before finally spilling what happened.
She guessed she owed a great debt of gratitude to Naruto for finally knocking some sense into Neji. After that, he slowly became less detached, though never fully reconnecting as naively with the outside world or as carefreely as he used to do as a younger child. He continued being more open with her than anyone else; this event also led him to be a bit more affectionate.
Sometimes he would take her hand when leading her through their high school hallways. He would lean a bit closer to her when he waited at her locker. He even hugged her now and then whenever she felt anxious about something or happy about a small victory. A couple of times, it was even out of the blue, simply because he had felt like it. And she couldn't deny how utterly ecstatic those precious, albeit rare, moments made her.
And through those little affectionate acts, Tenten supposed she fell in love with him. Though she suspected she probably had similar feelings earlier on, she was just too young to identify them as romantic feelings. But that night, after she had her menstruations for the first time, she knew. Maybe it was a coincidence, or perhaps this proof of her entering womanhood made her question her intimacy with Neji from a new angle.
"You were new at school, and you had this energy I had seldom seen anywhere else. You shone brighter than the sun, laughed louder than life. And for someone like me, who had raised herself quiet and invisible because of her speech impediment, you were like a revolution."
Tenten was brought back from her musing and tried to focus on Hinata's speech, feeling guilty of how self-indulgent she was of her own feelings when she was supposed to celebrate her best friend's fairy tale love come true.
But it was hard focusing on them when Neji's gaze bore into her so adamantly. She had tried to ignore him, failing miserably, her eyes drifting back to him with a mind of their own. She couldn't help but admire him.
Fuck, he was so handsome, so unfairly sexy and uncaringly suave.
Tenten hated him. She hated that he looked like he did and made her unable to focus on anything, anyone else but him. Sure, he was objectively hot. But it was not just physical for Tenten; it was not just a pretty face. It was his. His smile, his eyes, his lips, his skin. They all belonged to the man who made her hopelessly in love with his mind, his heart, his quirks, his shrouded mystery.
Because if Naruto was bold and loud like the sun, Neji was intense and taciturn like the moon. And his moon-like eyes roaming over her while Hinata was making her vows left a tingling trail all over her body that she even had to shake off a few shivers here and there, trying to look as unaffected by his special attention as possible.
"For the people that knew me then, I became transfixed with you. Like me, you had something that made it a little harder for you to fit in and succeed in class. But unlike me, you let it spur you instead of stopping you. And I was in awe. Naruto, you inspire me. Every day together, you awaken things in me I haven't thought existed before."
She was no better than Hinata, really. She was just as obsessed with Neji as the young indigo-haired girl had been with Naruto. In her hopeless teenage years, there were times where she could only think of him. Screw her math test, screw her hobbies, screw her other friends. All she wanted was to be next to him all the time. She lived for the little moments where their skin would brush momentarily or when she looked up, and she'd see him staring at her. Her heart would flutter, and she wondered how long he had stared and if only that meant that he cared for her a little bit more than a friend.
She would probably have still been that infatuated girl had Fu no entered the picture. She probably would have always pretended their platonic relationship was more than enough for her because she would have been too scared to voice her thoughts or needs, afraid of driving him away. To a certain extent, she owed Fu because it set her on a path of self-discovery. Now she understood better her value and the importance of boundaries, even with someone she loved as desperately, as unconditionally as Neji. It showed her how blind she could be to his flaws.
It was probably because of those realizations in therapy that Tenten finally saw what she hadn't in their younger years. Neji had never really grieved his mother's death. After he became kinder to Hinata, she thought that he had started healing, but really he had just halted his grief because he hated the man his uncontrolled feelings were making of him. He had been avoiding his emotions so much that whenever he had to face them, his survival instinct would kick in. She learned in her psychiatry class that the mind will not make the difference between a bear or an unresolved feeling. If both were perceived as a danger, both could feel as dangerous and elicit intense fight or flight reactions.
And if Neji almost always chose to fight, she finally understood that in this particular instance, he had been on fight mode for far too long.
She looked up at him again. A reflex out of the bounds of her consciousness that she didn't notice had set off until it was too late, and her eyes caught his.
Big mistake.
The way he looked at her intensely, drinking her in, undressing her with his eyes. And not just with lust but also with an unbending need to see all of her. His eyes didn't strip her just of her clothes but bared her of skin and bones. Right to her soul.
How could he do that to her? Have this effect on her? Make her feel so vulnerable?
How could she allow him to place her in this position? To conquer her with divine need?
Anytime now and her knees would buckle. She needed to think of something else, anything else.
"And isn't it grandiose when one discovers they are more than they thought they could ever be? I find the courage to desire more out of life than I thought permissible for myself with you. And I vow to never settle for less than everything because that is all you deserve."
Again, Hinata's speech shone like sparse rays of sun through her cloudy mind.
I find the courage to desire more out of life. Hinata's sentence echoed back in Tenten's mind.
Tenten had always thought herself brave and fierce, but maybe when it came to Neji, she had the tendency to sell herself short. When you love someone so hopelessly, it can sometimes feel impossible to imagine those feelings returned.
Yet, here they were.
She didn't want to settle for a Neji not ready to admit how he felt. But some part of her mind couldn't help but want to. So what if he is emotionally distant? Maybe he'll grow out of it. And what if he doesn't? Who cares? Isn't a little bit of Neji better than nothing at all?
Yes, a hundred times yes.
But she still had hope. She still had hope they could be more. That they wouldn't be fated to a cursed love like the phoenix knight and the dragon princess. That they would find a way to exist, both, simultaneously, in the same plane of time and space, able to completely surrender to one another and love each other immensely, without any bounds. Just like Hinata and Naruto.
Wasn't leaving him so he could come back to her entirely the bravest thing she could do?
She was convinced that it was, but she couldn't entirely mute. This little voice inside that said she was running away again. No, she shook away that gout. The first time she may have run away, and it was needed, but, this time, she wanted to be found.
She just was looking after her best interest and offering them the space they needed so they could recover themselves before they encountered each other again.
"I vow to always fight for you, for us, by your side. I vow to never lose the voice you helped me find and always use it, among others, to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I chose you today, and I'll choose you every day for the rest of our lives. I love you, Naruto. Now and forever."
Tenten also liked to think she always fought for Neji. She was always his greatest advocate and did not shame away from bragging about him even when he'd whisper to her to stop.
And she knew, in a way, she would fight for him, for them, her whole life. But in therapy, she had worked a lot on her internal locus of control.
They were things about her environment, her circumstances and people around her that she couldn't change. Even when she sacrificed everything she had, it would not change anything. Because in the end, the only thing she could control was herself, her reactions, her priorities and where she decided to put her energy.
She had somehow grieved she couldn't fight a battle for Neji, mostly when he was his own captive.
So she had to wait for him to come around, but that also meant that she needed to open her horizons to other things in the meantime. Explore other venues, open her mind to new possibilities and maybe see a bit of the world before confining her whole universe to him.
And admittedly, she had a foreboding sense that she would still wait, in a way, for him. Either when alone or with someone else, she would wait for him.
And maybe it was because she wanted to fight one more time for them, or perhaps it was because this whirlwind of romance spurred her to finally be at her most vulnerable. But she looked at him honestly, almost defiant in the bareness of herself, of how she felt, of how she was ready to throw it all away, to free herself from the fears that had inhabited her for too long. His reaction did not matter anymore. She was at peace; she validated herself. She was proud, and her heart was full, and if pain was to follow, then so be it. Fear would no longer make the decision.
She chose freedom.
Neji searched in the depth of chestnut eyes that burst with a rare determination, an angsty mix of fierceness in front of hopelessness and of unbending warmth and tenderness in front of all their chaos. His heart tightened. He could scan her, and so did she. A single dropped from her eyes as she continued to look straight at him.
'I love you.'
She mouthed when confetti cannons erupted as Naruto and Hinata kissed.
His eyes widened ever so slightly, his heart thumping against his chest like war drums. He had known how Tenten felt, of course, but she had never said it before. They had never been straightforward or honest about their emotions. But here she was, braving all their unspoken rules, throwing them to the wind, mocking their pre-established immature restraints when it came to their feelings.
And as much as it brought him happiness that felt forbidden to him, it also brought fear.
He wanted to mouth it back, to say it back, to scream it back.
But it wouldn't come out. Something overpowered Neji, a sort of wicked survival instinct. But he fought against it, tried to let it out, and reciprocated the feelings, but it was like when you try to scream during a nightmare. Your mouth would open, your face would scrunch, you'd scream your lungs out, but no sound would come out.
That's how he felt at the moment. He wanted to communicate his passion, but he couldn't. So he watched, mouth agape, powerless and defeated, as Tenten slowly tore her eyes away from him, wiping her tear subtly and grinning at the couple. He watched her be swallowed by the hordes of guests slowly heading out of the gardens and into the dining room.
He tried to run up to her, but too quickly, strangers got in the way of them. She was now entirely out of his grasp.
The wedding party was nearing the end, with a few slow songs playing, and Neji decided he would escape a bit to the balcony for some fresh air. This late in the festivities, few people were still attending, and they were all at the ballroom. He welcomed the quiet night and the empty space with relief, letting the nocturnal breeze calm his mixed-up emotions.
So far, he and Tenten had kept to each other, interacting only when necessary and trying to be as friendly as possible. They were both on a mission, so Hinata and Naruto had the best wedding they could possibly hope for. They deserved nothing less.
True, Neji did glare at the photographer when he asked the best man and the maid of honour to take a picture together during the photo sessions because all the other bridesmaids and groomsmen were already in a couple. And Tenten did send him an awkward glance but quickly put her brightest smile on, shouting 'Sure!' while Neji tried to keep his expression as emotionless as possible.
"Gosh, this is a cringefest. So horrible to watch." Ino murmured, sipping her champagne, eyes on both of them.
"Mmh, hm." Temari nodded, in their huddled corner, out of the pair's eyes, drinking with the bride and other bridesmaids. "Yet, I can't take my eyes away from them." She admitted thoughtfully.
"It's like a car crash." Sakura contributed, transfixed, in the awkward yet natural way they slid into each other's arms for the picture. How his hand found her waist instinctively or how she fit on his side like they grew up molded to one another.
"It's oddly satisfying and disturbing at the same time," Hinata commented, while the four of them had their eyes glued on their friends, dazed, almost in a trance. "Like those videos when they clean gunk and junk out of decades-old machines or houses."
"Yeah, I see what you mean.." Sakura whispered, tilting her head to the side as if changing her angle would give her better insight into the puzzle their relationship was. "So I take it they are done screwing each other?"
Ino snorted. "Oh, no, they're still screwing one another, alright." She flipped her hair, taking another sip. "Just not the fun way anymore."
Temari tsked. "I told her so." She crossed her arms. "But it still breaks my heart that it's not working."
"I really don't get it." Sakura sighed, exasperated. "They look so good together. Like they are made for each other. So what's stopping them?" She drew her brows in confusion.
"Childhood trauma," Ino replied as a matter-of-fact.
Temari and Sakura groaned. "Not every inconvenience is related to childhood trauma, Ino." Temari rolled her eyes.
"That's her answer for everything." Sakura snickered to Temari, who smirked back.
"Y'all will be sorry when I'm right." The platinum blond shrugged.
"Yeah," Hinata murmured softly, seeing the longing in her friends' eyes. "You may be right, Ino."
Except for that moment when his skin got to touch hers, and he tried to appreciate the jasmine notes of her scent, they had not interacted much. He suspected the girls were probably informed of their whereabouts because they had kept Tenten particularly busy whenever she was not running around doing maid of honour stuff, like keeping Hiashi from scaring off Naruto by gossiping with him about people around them.
Or chasing down Hinata's little cousins so they wouldn't dig their fingers in the cake. Or making sure the bride's snobby relatives who had a feud did not encounter each other. How many grandmas did she grab by the hand pretending to be so interested in how weddings and marriages were more authentic in the past.
Crazy what the job description of a maid of honour leaves out on what you'll have to do behind the scenes so your best friend can have the wedding of a lifetime.
"Hey," Neji heard a soft murmur behind him, and he turned swiftly to the unmistakable voice of Tenten.
"Hey," He murmured back, quickly erasing the surprise of seeing her from his tone. He turned around so he could look at her while leaning against the edge of the balcony.
She rubbed her elbow awkwardly, taking an unsure step towards him. "I…" She started but stopped, looking down before finally looking up.
Sometimes, you just have to cut to the chase.
"I just wanted to tell you I'm going to study abroad next year." She took her courage in both hands and looked at him straight in the eyes.
This mere sentence felt like a ton of bricks had landed on him, and he didn't know why. After all, he knew this was a project of hers. He also had done the same and loved the experience. Yet, he couldn't shake away the feeling that history was repeating itself. Him closing off, Tenten going away, them being driven apart.
"I wanted to tell you because I want you to know I'm not running away." She provided an explanation. "You know that grant I applied for so I could do a one-year master's in public health in England?"
He nodded numbly, remembering her writing motivation letters and compiling a candidacy on the bed they shared in his flat.
"Well," She played with the ring on her finger. "I got in!" She tried to sound enthusiastic but failed miserably.
She was crippled with doubt and anxiety because she didn't want to lose the kind of progress they made in their relationship. She really hoped he'd be able to sort himself out by the time she had to leave. The problem here is that she didn't want it to come across as an ultimatum. As if she was telling him he had six months left to get her before she went away. Truth is, it would probably take her more than six months and a year abroad to move over someone like Neji if she ever could, that is.
"That's great, Tenten." He finally let out, his eyes undeniably shining with pride. "You'll do great." He added as an encouragement.
Her heart leapt up with joy. It's silly, really, how validation coming from one person could mean more than all the others combined. No one should be made that special and have that much power over someone else. But that's the funny thing with love, isn't it? It's that you don't always get a choice on the matter.
She felt suddenly lighter, as if an enormous weight and uncertainty were raised from her shoulders. Since she received the call this morning, she could genuinely enjoy the news now and celebrate it. So far, only her parents and Lee knew because she thought it best to wait after Hinata's wedding to tell her friends. Though she had to get it out of her conscience with Neji before anything else, it just didn't feel right otherwise. She may owe him nothing, but she still chose to owe him a part of her.
"Well," She trailed, unsure in their awkward silence. "I'll leave you to your nocturnal contemplations." She gave a small smile which he returned faintly.
She was about to leave when Serenade In E Major from Antonin Dvorak started playing from the ballroom.
He couldn't help the tiny lopsided smile at her widening eyes. She recognized it too. Of all the moments for this song to play.
"Do you remember the steps?" He asked softly, taking candid steps towards.
"Neji…" She tried to ward him off, but she couldn't help the amusement overpowering her lips.
He tentatively held out his hand, and she looked at it hesitantly, restraining herself from the temptation. She bit her lips, reminiscing how he taught waltz steps to this serenade that played on repeat on their earphones during their little night escapade in their school's end-of-year trip in Paris.
She looked warily at his hands. A part of her dying to take it, ready to do anything to be in his arms one last time. But another was more cautious, knowing it took every ounce of her self-control to put the distance she had needed between them.
But when it came to Neji, she always chose him over anything else. So she wasn't really surprised when her hand slipped into his. They slipped silently into the first steps of a waltz that didn't quite fit the melody.
"You got better." He chuckled faintly in her ears, and she knew her treacherous body had sold her out to his lingering gaze by the millions of prickles that lit up her skin like a starry night sky.
She raised her eyes for the first time to see his loving eyes longingly sliding over her skin, and it was as if he had touched her everywhere his glance had trailed, and she couldn't help the soft gaze that escaped under the intense violin's cry. This alerted him, and he slowed the pace to their waltz, looking entranced at her eyes.
She could tell there were just so many things he wanted to say to her. However, too many battles had erupted within him, and they impeded him from running to her.
The notes slowly came to an end, and they halted in the middle of the balcony. The little lights strung over the open space giving her skin a golden glow. He couldn't resist allowing his thumb to trace the curve of her neck and exposed shoulders.
"Neji, please.." She breathed shakily, putting a hand over his chest to stop him from coming closer than he already was, a mere couple of inches away. "It's already hard for me." Her voice was tight.
He knew it was a mistake to voice his thought, but it had been so persistent, and it felt so simple to simply continue their previous arrangement, and he had been craving her so much he couldn't restrain from saying:
"Then, why?" He whispered, his breath falling on her cheeks. "Why not continue like before?"
He knew it was the worst idea to voice this question that had haunted him for the last couple of days. He knew it even before her eyes lit up with a spark of fury, her brown eyes now a smoldering shade of glowing amber.
"Why?" She repeated, disbelieving, taking a step back.
She shook her head. Because as much as she knew this question was innocent, that he just missed her and them being together. She felt anger bubbling within because she couldn't believe this is where they were at while everyone was moving on, growing up and settling down.
It broke her heart how stalled and stuck they were with each other at the idea of their togetherness. Mostly today, of all days, when one of her best friends got married. Tenten was overjoyed to see her friends so happy, so uncomplicatedly in love. Still, it made her wonder why, of God, why it was always so complicated and difficult with Neji?
Really, she should have chosen someone else to love, but she couldn't cast her vote in such matters, now, could she?
And if their whole situation wasn't dreary enough, here she was, having to explain why she deserved better than being a fuck friend. At 3 AM, during their friends' wedding.
He was about to say something, to retract his statement, but she cut him off.
"Why?" She repeated, laughing mirthlessly at the absurdity of all this. "Because, Neji," Her hard stare set on him. "Because this," She pointed at both of them. "Is not sustainable. It's draining and hopeless and senseless." Her voice slowly rose with each word.
She could feel it inside, all the pent-up rage and anger that she had so skillfully weaved in a rug where she swept under their complex past. She could feel it unravel widely, leaving its furious strands grasping at her heart. She could feel the fear, deception, and despair that she thought had been resolved in Suna and her last year in Konoha. Only, it had merely been dormant, and every one of his kisses and his touch slowly woke them up in a gentle brewing storm. And here they were, more awake than ever, ready to unleash, leaving her praying she could stuff them back from where ever they came from. But who was she kidding, they needed out, or they'd eat her up inside until they could no longer be contained in her carcass.
She looked at him, this man. This infuriating man, that gave her everything and took it all back and gave it all back to the rhythm of his breaths, of his whims.
"Because I'm scared, and I'm exhausted." She finally shouted, tired of tempering down.
She walked away from him, trying to calm herself but abandoned the notion almost immediately. She had come too far to go back. So she turned around abruptly, raising her hands helplessly in the air. It was now or never, no more running away or in circles.
With newfound determination, she licked her lips in apprehension, feeling herself at the edge of all her fear and ready to finally take the leap. Never mind if she crashed and burned. Anything, anything better than this limbo they were at. Better broken and healing than lost and confused and silenced. She found his eyes sharply, defiant:
"Because for fuck's sake, Neji, I love you." She let out, breathless from her internal turmoil, her hands exasperatedly resting on her forehead before falling numbly by her sides.
"I love you." She repeated intensely, her eyes diving in his, in complete surrender. "There it is said. And I know you do too." Her eyes defied him to contradict her, and when he didn't, she pursued. "I know you love me too." She said it more clearly to his stubborn eyes, not leaving hers. She came one step closer to him, not realizing his breathing shifted just by her mere presence sending electricity in the air around him.
"It fucking hurts Neji. Do you know how it hurts?" He was brought back to her pleading eyes. He hated himself. He hated that he pained her so, but he couldn't help thinking he'd wound her more if he gave in because someone like him couldn't possibly know how to love someone like her. He was not meant to bring joy to someone else. He was sure of that, like he knew the earth was round.
"Tenten.." He began, but his throat was sore. He hadn't realized how tight it had become.
Is this how one felt when one wanted to cry? Because for the first time in a long time, Neji thought he was dangerously close to it. He wanted to soothe her, to erase all the pain he caused her, but he couldn't find the words. Looking down, his hands softly reached for her hips, hoping this simple, affectionate act could communicate how much he cared but was simply too clumsy and lost.
"I feel we are cursed. I feel doomed." She mumbled against his chest, then she raised her head so she could see his eyes, their faces a couple centimetres away. "I feel hopeless." She murmured, then her tone raising an octave as she continued a bit more desperate, a bit more frantic when her thoughts came pouring out without her own accord:
"I'm scared you're it. I won't be able to love anyone else like I love you. You're the only one who can make me feel all I'm feeling. And now I'm terrified because the only man who makes me feel complete and grand and ecstatic and bigger than life," She knocked his chest once. "Is a man who runs away all the time." She fisted his shirt in her hands, suddenly dizzy and tired of their screwed-up hide-and-seek game.
He could notice her voice was starting to break and that he should probably say something. But what? Apologize? As much as he hated hurting her, he also felt he had a right to his own boundaries. He didn't feel ready for a serious relationship. Did he have to apologize for that? Shouldn't he respect his limits? And hadn't he been honest with her from the get-go that he couldn't give her what she wanted?
Yet, Neji still felt like apologizing. Maybe more to himself than to Tenten. Not because he was selfish, but because, indeed, out of the two of them, the one he was hurting most was himself. He was the one who lost in this situation. Tenten was healing. She was choosing to love herself and bring light into her life. On the other hand, he was stuck, imprisoned, in the darkness and the coldness of his delusions.
He was sorry that he couldn't take the leap of faith Tenten had taken. It was, in a way, out of his control. Sure, he could work on it, but this would require him to go out of his comfort zone, and he didn't feel ready to do that just yet. Don't they say you should be kind to yourself and not rush into things? Neji had a hard time wrapping his mind around this.
Compassion for himself. No, he didn't know how to do that.
What he knew was perfection. The perfect son, the perfect nephew, the perfect cousin, the perfect friend, the perfect heir, the perfect student. Yet, Tenten didn't want perfection; she just wanted all of him, flaws and scars. This was the one thing he was not willing to give because, deep down, he had the irrational belief Tenten would die because of him.
So really, what could he reply to her monologue? What could he do except listen to her carefully? Moreover, his mind was blank because all his energy and mental juice were busy keeping his facade from breaking. For as much as she was hurting, so was he. Every of her word cracked his shell, his fortress slowly receding under her attacks, and she was coming too close for comfort. Therefore, he could only focus on her, her words and his breathing, which any second now would become erratic. But he couldn't cede to panic just now. This was her moment, and he had to listen. He had to take it all in.
"I chase you all the time, and I'm out of breath." She continued, tears pearling her eyes while she tried to keep them from rolling down. Her voice was a little bit more shrill than what he was used to, which broke his heart because she not only looked but also sounded defeated.
"You run somewhere that is so inaccessible every time I come too close, and it leaves me breathless, shaking, uncertain, terrified of moving one millimetre the wrong way that it'd make you disappear again."
She talked fast, her respiration more fast-paced, and maybe it was the tight bodice of the dress, but her chest heaved up and down. There were so many things she wanted to tell him. So many things she spent nights crying over, wishing she could just spill them all out. And now the moment came, abruptly. She hadn't even thought this discussion would lead to that opportunity. She was taken by surprise, which made her fumble with her words. She couldn't collect her thoughts fast enough and remember all of the things she imagined saying to him.
"Sometimes," She followed, still in his light embrace, still avoiding his gaze, trying to gather her bearings. "I feel like I'm in love with a dream that evaporates as soon as I wake up, as soon as things get too real, and then it even leaves my mind unable to remember what it was all even about, except I wished it had lasted longer. And I'm so greedy for you, Neji. It drives me crazy. I touch you, and I want so much more. So much more you can offer. And just like the more you try to remember a dream and the more it slips your mind; the more we become physical, the less you become accessible."
"Every time I hold you, I lose you." She locked eyes with him, hazelnut eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Do you know how scared this makes me feel? All the time? Like I don't deserve unconditional love."
"Because your love feels conditional to so many things. Conditional on never coming too close to you. I couldn't fall in love or got out with Kankuro the first year when he tried so fucking hard." She breathed out the last part. "Because I was too scared. Because all I had ever known of love was how you pushed me away when things got too real. So every time Kankuro tried something, I'd retract. I'd play it friendly. That's how I got to keep you, you see? I instinctively acted the same with every other guy because of how my mind and body are conditioned to you."
"My mind and my body are conditioned to you." She repeated, insisting on each word. "Do you get it, Neji? Do you understand what it means?" Her eyes widened in a state of almost panic. "Everyone but you feels off. No one else fits. It is game over for me. You're it, that's it. You imprinted on me. I have you tattooed, marked everywhere. It could have been romantic if it wasn't so toxic at times. I grew up so much needing you I can't even look at someone else and imagine loving them half the way I do with you."
She took a deep, wavering breath.
"I could die from it. I could explode. As if every part of me yearns for you, and when it can't find you, it burns for you, and it leaves me wounded, bare and exposed; unskinned to the world and all its hurt. "
Defeated and out of words, she just uttered what the most straightforward thing her mind was screaming out, the only coherent thought she could grasp in a foggy mess of unruly emotions finding their way out after so many years.
She shrugged, helpless, her tears finally spilling out against her best efforts to trap them in and whimpered from the bottom of her heart, her tone so faint Neji would have missed it if he wasn't so close:
"I just want happiness."
His hands trembled; he knew he couldn't just selfishly hug her. Not now, not when she was making a point. Not when she was finding the voice she kept under wraps on his behalf.
To brush off her sudden moment of vulnerability, Tenten chuckled softly, darkly. "Gosh, this is all so fucking stupid."
She wiped her eyes with both hands, looking at the sky. "Because no matter what I feel for you, I won't accept less than I deserve. And I'm not that stupid kid anymore, Neji. You can't convince me otherwise. I see it all clearly now." She shook her head, fierce and determined. "I deserve all of you."
She wiped a tear, looking up at his watery eyes. And she realized she had never seen that kind of white in his eyes, like washed ceramics or wet porcelain. That, that was despair. Like she had never seen in him. It was his own tempest unleashing, his emotions climbing up his throat, knocking him breathless, crashing relentlessly against all his reserves and bounds and inhibitions, leaving him no choice but to spill all his emotions.
And she had to fight against all her instincts to go to him and hug him and soothe all his pain. Not because she couldn't. Not because she wanted to stay true to her words and not give in to him.
It was because he needed the pain.
He had been avoiding it all this time, way before Fu, and it had fooled her. Fooled her into thinking his aloof personality was just part of who he was, whereas it was a defence mechanism. When she thought about it, she hadn't had all of him since, even before Fu. Fu had been a catalyst because all the emotions they kept so carefully away had been exposed bare in front of the other, and in their younger naive and overwhelmed states, they chose to run away.
She couldn't blame either of them for how they chose to react. In therapy, sometimes she was mad at herself and him for all the time they lost on each other, but she had come to terms that they did their best with their given circumstances. They couldn't move to meet the other halfway even though they had wanted to. With the emotional energy they had, their unresolved traumas and fears, their lives starting out, trying to build their careers, make a future for themselves, in the whirlwind that entering adulthood and the changes to their relationship meant: they had tried to keep their heads above water.
Sure, years later, when all was said and done, when the raging tempest was over, it was easy to think about how they should have reacted better, what they could have done differently. But in the midst of it all, they did their best. And they are still trying their best. So Tenten had come to accept this. It was just part of the journey. It wasn't always about running to the summit; sometimes, the journey required patience and a little bit of getting lost so they could discover other stray paths and unforeseen desirable destinations.
"You do," He finally croaked, and his hands shakily found her arms, electrifying her whole being. He firmly placed them over her shoulders. "You do deserve all of me."
And that was probably the closest to a confession Tenten could get out of him. She knew that with a blazing certainty.
He pulled her against him, and she wrapped her arms around him so furiously, wringing his clothes in her fists, crashing against him as if she was suspended ten miles above the ground and she needed to hold on to him. Because the truth is they were hovering over the cusp of everything that could be, and it all depended on Neji. She was at the edge of all of him, dangling over his razor-sharp rocks of fear and intense self-criticism that he enclosed himself in, stranding himself alone, away from everyone he could ever lose or, worse, hurt.
Away from her.
And as he crushed her against him, his muscles constricting, veins bulging, squeezing her so hard in his arms that she was sure their souls had collided; at this moment, she knew he was scared and had always been.
If everything in Neji grew out of his time, ending his childhood prematurely, this little parcel of his soul that was tasked to allow him to love was still the nine-year-old lost boy who looked bewildered at a tomb, eyes wide in panic and grief. Unrooted, hurt, abandoned. He could scream to the world and cry all his tears, and yet it would be meaningless. So he chose not to. He decided never to have to choose strength over grief ever again.
She once heard that grief was love having nowhere to go. And that's a bit who Neji was; he was all grief. All orphaned love he could never give and never receive, leaving him dispossessed at imagining himself worthy of it, running astray in a world he could only comprehend through the lens of loneliness.
It dawned on Tenten like thundering rain. How could she have not noticed before? But again, how could she? She was a kid who barely understood her own emotions, and Neji was so good at hiding behind his stoicism.
She hugged him tighter if that could be possible, hoping her affection could be felt all the way inside to the scared little boy that struggled to come out.
"And you will," He promised in a murmur against her hair.
Tenten desperately wanted that, so she nodded with tears streaming down her cheeks, knowing all her mascara was running and rubbing off on his pristine white shirt.
"Don't let me go," She whispered through her tightened throat.
His lips moved against the top of her head before kissing it.
"Never."
How could he? When she was all that mattered.
It was the early hours of the morning, the wedding had been over a couple hours ago, and the indigo sky slowly washed away at the threat of beaming sunshine.
Neji sat on his bed, holding the letter that felt like thousand tons in his pocket all evening. He looked at its edges, a little bit creased, but otherwise, it seemed as good as new, as if it had been written yesterday. It had been well-preserved those almost three years in the duffle bag he had refused to open.
It was slightly shaking in its trembling hands. It was almost offensive how innocent and lifeless this simple object looked, laying in his palms, when it was unleashing a turmoil in him. Because whatever it would say, Neji knew it'd break him, for the simple fact it had been three years of misfortune he brought on himself thinking Fu had resented him for his emotions for Tenten he made so apparent while he was with her and she was dying.
And it was highly ironic how a few months ago, he would have ripped this letter open, craving all its content and watering his soul with a hope of forgiveness he had so desperately sought. But, now, he had almost burned it when he came home. He had hovered it over a lighter kept in the kitchen. Thinking maybe some things were better left in the past. And he even wondered if it mattered at all, after everything that happened in the last months.
He hesitated because he had gotten everything he had ever wanted. He had Tenten in his grasp, and he let her go. And suddenly, Fu did not seem like the real problem anymore. She was a decoy, the tip of the iceberg. Whatever she would say would be a reminder of everything he had tried to avoid, reminding him how he ran to her to avoid Tenten, and more deeply, his unresolved feelings about his mother's death. So what was the use anymore? Of being reminded of things he already knew and wished to ignore?
Though those thoughts came running in his mind, in his erratic state, he could barely register them consciously. He only had a vague impression reading the letter wouldn't bring any desirable outcome or change any undesirable one. Nevertheless, he also realized he needed to be confronted with his past, mistakes, and pain.
He knew this letter was the last blow he needed after his conversations with Tenten to finally break the dam and let his suppressed emotions come free. He needed the pain and the regrets. That was the only way forward if he wanted to one day fulfill the promise he made to Tenten and come find her before anyone else did.
Therefore his finger slowly slid under the envelope's seal flap, reaching for the papers inside, but stopped instantly. He took a deep breath, grounding himself, and finally allowed his eyes to roam over the unfolded papers.
Dear Neji,
You'll forgive me if I asked Tenten to deliver this letter herself. I'd like to correct the wrong I have committed by doing so.
Neji took a pause, another deep breath and steeled himself on.
oOo
Hiashi and Hizashi entered, yawning, from Hinata's wedding. They had to stay after everyone had left to clear out some contract details with the venue they rented.
Hiashi had already scampered to his room for a shower. Hizashi was about to do the same, so he could crash in his bed and relish in the oblivion of sleep.
Damn, they were getting old.
Before going to his room, Hizashi went to the kids' rooms to ensure all was well. It was an unexplainable ritual he had since he had been a young father to make sure they slept safe and sound before he went to bed. It probably had to do a little bit with his deceased wife.
His hand hovered over Hinata's doorknob because, out of habit, he always went to check on her first. He had a little pang to his heart, realizing that for the first time, Hinata's room would be empty and would remain empty for the rest of her life as she was building a home of her own now.
Little baby Hinata who gripped his pants and hid behind his legs the first time he took her to daycare. Gosh, Hizashi wiped a little tear as he closed Hinata's empty room.
They grow up too damn fast. He thought, his heart tight. Suddenly his bones felt heavy and old.
His heart lightened up when he fondly opened the youngest of the Hyuga siblings' room. Hanabi was sprawled on her bed and slightly snoring, her hair still in her updo and her bridesmaid dress rolled in a ball and tossed on her desk chair.
He smiled. Hanabi had this knack of staying true to herself in every situation, even when asleep. Unapologetically messy and straight to what she wanted. In this instance, her bed and some sleep.
Hizashi sleepily made his way to Neji's room, whose door was left ajar. It was the muffled sounds that alerted him first as he slowly opened the door, basking in the rising sunlight.
Hizashi could undeniably affirm he had never seen his son cry. The last time he did, Neji was six years old. Sometimes, it weighed heavy on his conscience how quickly Neji grew up against all his father and uncle's efforts to stretch out his childhood that he so prematurely neatly tucked away, like a reversed Peterpan antihero syndrome.
But the sight in front of him was unmistakable, Neji, with his head in his hands propped on his knees, hanging low, his shoulders shaking uncontrollably, the shaken exhales coming out of his mouth like a scratched record.
Hizashi advanced ever so slowly, thinking the world had just collapsed on itself. He was scared out of his depth. Neji had seldom given him any reason to be scared. He was such a perfect child. And probably because of this reason, seeing him cry lit every ounce of his unused feeling of terror.
Reaching his child, Hizashi kneeled down to his eyes' level and put a hand on his son's shoulder.
"Neji…" He whispered, but the boy continued sobbing, seemingly incapable of shaking himself out of the misery he'd trapped himself in.
At his feet lay sprawled paper sheets, and the father reached to them very slowly to give Neji time to protest at the intrusion. Normally, Hizashi would never interfere with his son's personal affairs, but it felt urgent he did this time. Something in Neji snapped, and it didn't surprise him. The thunderstorm had been looming for quite some time now. But it still petrified him to see it happen and not understand why or how the careful dam Neji had constructed over the years had suddenly shattered and left his son broken and helpless.
Without any protest from Neji, Hizashi raised the papers to his eyes, slowly understanding his son was crying over many things, many of which he wasn't yet conscious of, but mostly, he was sorrowful of regrets. And it was maybe the deepest of griefs when one had to accept the past could not be undone and time flowed irremediably in the river bed we dug with our choices.
Without a word from, Neji stayed frozen in his position. Hizashi understood it was a silent acquiescence from his son that he could read the following letter he held.
Dear Neji,
You'll forgive me if I asked Tenten to deliver this letter herself. I'd wish to correct a wrong I have committed by doing so.
I'd like to say first and foremost that, Neji, I know you. Maybe not as much as Tenten, but I have seen one thing she never saw.
I have seen you be completely broken-hearted over a woman you love deeply.
And maybe it is wishful of me to think you have loved me just half as much, but I know you'll probably go through something similar, perhaps not quite as intense in terms of passion and love, and maybe a bit more angsty because, well, I'm dead, but you'll go through something similar.
And from my experience, you'll blame yourself. You always do. Guilt and self-blame are like your defence mechanisms. Instead of feeling pain or sadness, you beat yourself up.
But Neji, don't.
You were the best thing that had happened to me. Really. When I first saw you, I knew instantly I liked you. And when you first smiled, I knew instantly I loved you.
It was very selfish, and I couldn't help it. Because you see, I knew. I knew from the moment I first saw you doing paddleboard with Tenten that you loved her. It was so evident. And yes, the coffee shop was not really the first time I had seen you, it was the day before. (I know you're reading it for the first time, but I feel it's the hundredth time I've explained it.)
I wanted what you guys had, the laughter, the complicity, the intimacy. I wanted it so much. I had been deprived of all of that. And the moment I saw you, I knew. I knew you loved her with all your soul. It was easy to guess, with the way you were always ready to catch her were she to slip, with how you kept looking at her as if she was an actual gift from the heavens.
When I saw you the next day, alone, I thought damn. This is my chance. At first, I just wanted to be friends. But how could you exist, and my heart would not want you so ferociously?
And I think this is what it was. I wanted you. I wanted you probably more than I loved you. I wanted you to look at me the way you looked at her. I wanted to be loved with the same despair, ready-to-throw-it-all way you loved her.
Does this make a little bit of sense?
Any other person would have waited until they found the right one, but I'm not like other people. I don't have the luxury to wait; my time was counted. And we had something in Suna, maybe not as strong as what you felt for Tenten, but strong enough for our relationship to start. Enough was all I could ask for at this point, with time slipping through my fingers like running water.
I know you still blame Tenten for leaving. And I know you also blame yourself for her doing so and not being able to stop her.
But please know that if she did, it was because she loved you. And because she thought you loved me.
But that's the crazy thing about you both. It's that you know everything about each other except how much you love each other.
And it still baffles me how you each feel so utterly undeserving of one another's love. It was probably misguided teenage insecurities. Given time, you probably would have found your way to each other. I just knew it.
My nurses often said I lived the pain and struggles of 80 years old patients, so I'd like to think it gave me a particular experience and retrospect on life.
I know you would have found each other sooner than later if I hadn't meddled.
This is probably my second biggest crime. Knowing what I knew, I still kept you in my clutches. Desperately selfish for what I wanted.
My absolute biggest crime was letting you believe you drove her away.
It wasn't you; it was I. I drove Tenten away.
Not directly, but she was smart enough to understand what I meant. I couldn't compete with her, you see? You could never stand seeing her hurt anytime you took my hand, let alone kiss me. And I wanted you to take my hand all the time, and kiss me all the time.
And I simply wanted you.
So I asked her. No, I begged her. To please, please let me have this, let me have you, let me have us. And I don't know by which miracle she understood everything I couldn't say at that time, but she did.
She sacrificed what she had most dear for a stranger. She ripped her heart out just so I could have you. She thought this would make you happiest. She thought you loved me more than you could ever love her, in a way you could never love her.
But now, now, Neji. We both know that isn't true, is it?
I couldn't foresee how this simple plea broke your friendship, and to my last breath, I don't think I'll completely forgive myself, not without knowing you will one day grant it to me.
Please, be angry at me. For however long you need. And then, please, forgive me. And yourself. And mostly Tenten.
And one last dying wish.
Go back to her. If anyone can help you out of this mess I created and stuck you in, it can only be her. Don't push her away out of some misguided sense of loyalty you have for me, because honestly, I don't deserve it. And even if I did, Tenten doesn't deserve being kept from you anymore.
It has to be Tenten.
Because it was always her. Everything you did. It was always for her, wasn't it?
So go back to her, and let her work her magic on you, ok?
Thank you for those wonderful years,
Fu
Hizashi's own throat was beginning to tighten, powerlessly watching his son open himself to a downpour of emotions he had run away from, some whom he ran so fast and far away from he couldn't even recognize them, yet understand them.
"Oh, Neji.." Hizashi whispered soothingly, his voice full of affection.
Some situations require few or no words, and this felt like one. So the father simply wrapped his arms around his son, squeezing his neck closer so Neji's tears could fall freely on his shirt-clad shoulder. And finally, Neji stirred a little bit to reciprocate the affection of his dad, adding shakily with a rare vulnerability :
"I fucked up dad, I fucked up everything."
A/N: So this took a while. After writing something so fluffy as Four Weddings and A Funeral, it took me a while to get back in my sad girl vibe, eh. But nothing a couple of days of listening to Queens Lana and Sasha Sloan did not fix. So in case you haven't noticed this is a very slow burn, which tends to be so very frustrating at times when all you want is for things to work out between the protagonists. But we are almost two-thirds there! It'll be fun to watch Neji confront his demons, giving us a deeper understanding of his mind.
Tell me what you thought of the chapter and what you'd like to see more/less of!