A/N : I know, this took me forever to update. I had high hopes of finishing it in September but I ended up having other plans. I really wanted to update once all the chapters were done and edited but with the new story I'm writting I thought I might as well upload a chapter to give you something while I finish writing this story. I did not edit and correct it, normally it would take me another week to do so. So if dumb mistakes annoy you, I suggest you wait another week until I update the correct version of this chapter. Otherwise, enjoy!
TW : suicide
When they first met
Chapter 11: When Ino met Sakura
"Ino?" Sakura whispered, slowly opening the creaking wooden door of the church annex.
The pink-haired girl eyed her best friend cautiously as the blonde was taking large strides in the spacious luminous room. Her green eyes widened and for a moment she felt four years old again and they weren't in a church anymore but a ballet studio. Sakura's heart caught up in her throat, in front of her was a four-year-old Ino, in her tutu, waving and smiling at her just like the first day she met her. Her blue eyes gleaming with their usual happiness. Then, the blond little girl was not in a tutu but an oversized wedding gown, twirling around and giggling.
Sakura shook her head to chase the heart-wrenching nostalgia away. Now was not the time for sentimentality.
"Oh, Ino," Sakura said affectionately at her friend, pacing in circles, her white veil flowing behind, swaying at her every turn.
"Oh, thank God, Sakura you're here." Ino's mother breathed out in relief, hastily getting up from her chair to let someone better qualified to handle her daughter's messy train of thought. "I'll leave you to it." She gave the green-eyed woman a 'good luck' look before hurriedly exiting the tense atmosphere.
Sakura rolled her eyes, give it to Ino to create so much drama on her wedding day. Temari, Hinata and Tenten were outside after the bridezilla in question had thrown three palettes of blushes and eyeshadows at them. They had decided piling up against the dark-red bricks next to the heavy-oak door leading to Ino's changing room was safer this way. They had never been more relieved to see Sakura running down the hall, fresh out of her emergency shift, her hair hastily thrown around in a messy bun with loose strands. She arrived, panting and ventilating her armpits hoping that she didn't stain her bridesmaid dress with sweat while running from the hospital to the church five blocks down. Her whole chase against time punctuated by dozens of messages from the girls, the future husband and the bride's mother.
'She's losing it.'
'She wants to call the wedding off.'
'I'm not dealing with that while pregnant.'
'Sakura, this is Ino's mother, where are you? Where? Help.'
'Is she ok? Sincerely, Sai.'
Sakura rolled her eyes at how her adopted brother always signed his text messages. Of all days, she had to be stuck in a double shift at the delivery room because the other resident had to call in sick. And now, she was alone in Ino's made-up powder room in the back-annex of downton's most luxurious church, while about 350 guests, five groomsmen and a groom were impatiently waiting for the bride to show up.
"Ino?" Sakura repeated, forcing her friend to stop and look at her, frightened icy blue eyes dug into emerald ones.
"This is a mistake." The blonde whispered more to herself than her friend.
Sakura tried not to chuckle at her friend's dramatic antics and decided to indulge her a bit.
"What is a mistake?" The pinkette raised a brow.
"All of this." Ino threw her hands up in the air. "I can't be a bride, even less a wife and nowhere near a mother."
"A mother?" Sakura was now very confused at the transition.
"What the fuck." Her friend ignored her and continued with her rant. "What the actual fuck. Weren't we eighteen and graduating high school just two weeks ago? I feel it's just yesterday that I met Sai in the high school's hallway and that he called me beautiful and that we would go eat at the cafeteria and Hinata would blush-faint next to Naruto and Neji tried to pretend he was not completely in love with his best friend."
She took a deep breath in from her fast-paced speech. "Wasn't it just yesterday that we went to that music festival in Oto, smoking weed on that hotel room's balcony, just after Fu died? Hinata had yet to declare her love for Naruto, we had just met Temari and had no idea four years later she'd be married to Shikamaru and pregnant by now. Shika-freaking-maru is going to have a kid. The guy that was so lazy he skipped so many classes he barely passed the threshold of required attendance is now having a thriving startup and IS BABY-PROOFING HIS FREAKING HOUSE HE JUST BOUGHT HIS WIFE."
Ino sat down as she started hyperventilating. "Just take me back. Take me back to starry nights in Oto on that dusty balcony with no network and a pizza we ate while ranking our favourite books-to-movies adaptation."
"Ino…" Sakura placed her hands over her friend's shoulders trying to stop her frantic hand's movements.
"Gosh, we were so young." Ino's eyes welled up. "We were so young and full of it and, and… and now you're delivering babies. Babies. Out of actual pregnant women, like from their vaginas. And Neji. Oh, God, Neji. He goes to therapy. Therapy. What is happening, why are we all growing up so fast? And Sasuke has put a ring on your finger. And I'm a godmother. Sakura. A godmother. Because my friends, my friends made a baby. A little human. Naruto made a baby and has a living, breathing, dependent creature he must take care of. Naruto. He used to put cheese puffs in his nose when we went to the movies to try and make Hinata laugh. And…OUCH!"
Ino looked indignantly at her friend, holding her slapped cheek.
"Oh, stop glaring, Ino-pig." Sakura ignored her offended friend, picking up the loose setting powder on Ino's vanity. "I didn't slap hard enough for it to leave a mark." She proceeded to reapply some setting powder on her friend's scowling face. "You were losing it, like really losing it. But I get it. Transitions are hard, remember? You said that to me after Sasuke proposed and I went into a full-blown meltdown while holding on to dear life my 3 inches financial five-years-plan portfolio, ranting about student debts, cost of marriages, the housing crisis and the inflation."
Ino raised her eyes to the ceiling exasperatedly. "Gosh, when you stress-rant you use such fancy terms. Like ok, we get it, you're smart-smart."
Sakura ignored that comment. "But remember what you told me?" Sakura waited a bit for her friend to remember, taking the mascara wand and retouching her friend's lashes. She knew this served no purpose since Ino's make-up was already flawless, but she also knew make-up always calmed her best friend. How many times had she accompanied Ino to Sephora just so she could smell lipsticks and night creams because she said nothing was more therapeutic and soothing than fluffy brushes and glittery highlights in a place that smelled of intertwined perfumes?
Ino's breathing evened out. "I told you that you were trying to gain control over something you couldn't foresee."
"Actually," Sakura laughed. "You started by telling me to shut the fuck up and remember the man I have loved all my life was finally in a good place and wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with me, so everything else my brain created as a problem was completely irrelevant." She threw a pointed look at her friend. "Then, you told me my pragmatic mind was trying to reduce its fear of uncertainty by over-planning."
Ino was about to retort something but her friend continued before she could. "So Ino, take your advice and just enjoy it ok? Your high school sweetheart who cannot get enough of you is patiently waiting down the aisle for the most beautiful bride to come out and make him the happiest man on earth. Can you do that now?"
The bride slowly nodded shakily sitting down. Sakura exhaled, knowing she successfully had talked down her friend from running away in her wedding gown, sprinting across skyscrapers and red lights.
"And what's about this baby talk?" Sakura suddenly remembered how her friend often came back to this topic in her rant.
Ino sighed heavily before reaching for a black leather bag under her vanity dropping its content at her feet. Sakura's eyes widened at the dozen pregnancy tests lying on the floor. She squatted down to pick one up.
"Oh my God, Ino." Sakura whispered. "Do we…" She trailed looking at her friend. "Are we happy about this or…?"
"I don't know." Ino bit her lip, pressing her hands against her stomach. "In a way, I'm happy about it. It's crazy news, you know? But what if I'm not ready? What if Sai is not ready? Having kids was really not part of the plan right now. I just started my private practice and Sai is still travelling the world for his exhibitions. We're stable, but are we kid stable?"
Sakura nodded. "But you're happy about it?"
The blonde looked up, smiling softly. "Yeah, I am."
"Then that's what matters most, you'll figure out the rest in due time." Sakura tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "And you know you'll always have a choice, right?" She looked seriously at her friend. "I'd drive you myself to a clinic anytime, you'll just have to tell me so."
Ino's smile widened. "I know." She went for the pink-haired woman's hand and squeezed it. "Thank you, Sakura."
"Always." She squeezed her friend's hand back. "Now, we really need to get you down the aisle quickly, before everybody starts thinking you abandoned Sai at the altar."
Ino laughed alongside her future sister-in-law. "Right,"
"Gosh, I know it's ridiculous." Ino began once she was calmer. "But they were kind of my idea of love, you know? With my parents being divorced and all."
Sakura sighed. "Yeah, I remember. We were fifteen when you said, 'He has to look at me like he looks at her.' Time flies. But hey, you found the one that looks at you like his soul only feeds on your presence." Sakura gave a wink to Ino, indirectly quoting the fifteen years old blonde.
Ino chuckled, remembering that time in their high school years. "It just feels wrong that we all got our happy ending and they didn't." She bit her lip and stopped immediately to not smudge her lipstick. "Mostly when I feel they are a bit the reason we got ours."
"It'll be okay. They'll come around." Sakura tried to be cheerful, but the truth is she shared all of the mixed emotions Ino was feeling.
"Did she come with… Deidara?" Ino was almost afraid to ask.
Sakura nodded unsurely. "Are you sure…?"
Ino nodded firmly.
The door slowly opened and Hinata's head slowly appeared in the opened space to assess the situation, wary of any make- up projectile that could come hurling at them. When she deemed it safe again, she motioned for Temari and Tenten they could enter.
Meanwhile, Sakura stood beside Ino rearranging her veil and gazing at the perfect appearance of her friend in the mirror. "You look perfect." Sakura smiled. "But you miss something…" She retrieved a folded object from her little burgundy purse. "Old." She finished, smiling and extending her hand to Ino's.
Ino's eyes welled up again. "Oh my God…" She whispered, her throat tight. "Is this what I think it is?" She delicately took the red elastic headband in her hand.
Sakura smiled bashfully. "Yeah, you gave me this the first time we met."
"You kept it all these years… How old were we, four?"
Her friend nodded. "Yeah… You gave me that headband when I kept tripping during our ballet classes because my bangs got in the way and I couldn't do a proper bun yet because my hair was too short."
"I remember." The bride laughed. "Then when it grew longer, I taught you how to tie your hair properly."
"And then, we became best friends." Sakura completed.
"Except for middle school when we competed to be Sasuke's crush." She reminded her.
"Let it be noted that I won." Sakura laughed when Ino playfully punched her arm. "In any case," She continued. "I thought you could use it as your something old in the hopes your marriage stays as strong and thriving as our friendship for decades to come." She blinked the tears away, the image of a four-years old Ino in a wedding dress refusing to leave her mind. "You could wear it as a garter." Sakura chuckled through the couple of spilling tears.
Ino laughed as she gladly slid the elastic band around her leg.
"And I got your something borrowed." Hinata smiled at her friend, reassured to see that the bride was in a much improved mood.
Ino looked up, suddenly realizing her other friends had entered the room. She tried to fight the tears away as Hinata had a discrete hair pin in her updo, the exact one she wore at her own wedding two years ago.
"It's believed that borrowing something from another woman in a harmonious marriage is supposed to bring you luck." Hinata explained, rearranging her veil. "I don't know if I can qualify Naruto and I…"
"Oh, you can." Ino cut her friend off, smiling at her through the mirror. "Thank you, Hina." She took her porcelain hand.
"And this," Temari advanced closer. "Is your something blue." She gave Ino a small powder blue wool thread that she tied around her bride bouquet, hidden under the decorative tulle wrapped around the flowers. "That's the remaining thread I used to knit Shikadai's baby blanket." The sandy blonde admitted.
"Temari," Ino whispered, her chin trembling.
"Oh, Ino, get yourself together." Temari admonished, but she herself had to turn her head to the other side so she could blink tears away.
Tenten chuckled and took Temari's place. "I feel like the fairies in Sleeping Beauty." She teased, raising an imaginary wand in the air. "I now bestow you the gift of beauty." She mimicked agitating the fictional wand.
Smiling, the bride threw a rueful look at her brunette friend who laughed back before opening her hand to reveal a sixpence and a five dollar bill.
"Found this little shop that made exact replicas of old sixpences in London." Tenten said. "I also added a five dollar bill just in case, cause I know how superstitious you are and you'd probably want real money for the prosperity thing."
Ino smiled at her friend's knowledge of her quirks as she slipped the bill in her right heel and the sixpence in the other. It didn't take more for Ino's eyes to tear up again, this time more aggressively.
"Oh, no, no, no." Tenten rushed to grab a tissue and dabbed her friend's under eyes to absorb the tears threatening to fall. "You don't get to cry when you hate waterproof mascara so much."
Ino suddenly forgot all about her emerging feelings to dive into a rant of how cheap and clumpy waterproof mascaras were when compared to their non-waterproof counterparts.
"Oh, God." Temari groaned.
"Give it to Ino to rant about mascara in the middle of an existential crisis." Sakura rolled her eyes.
Ino threw her used tissue at her green-eyed friend. "So," She began once recovered from her emotions. "Where is the something new?" Ino asked her friends once she recovered from her emotions.
"Well," Hinata began. "Since you brought new shoes and a new dress, we thought that it was already taken care of."
"Also," Temari added, raising a brow at the piled pregnancy tests on the floor. "I think you already covered the something new." She raised her eyes back to the blonde. "Welcome to the club," She tapped her nine-months pregnant belly.
Hinata and Tenten gasped, just now noticing the positive pregnancy tests lying on the floor.
"Oh my God, Ino!" Tenten exclaimed, rushing to hug her friend. "Congratulations!" She shouted before stopping abruptly. "Wait, do we want it…?" She threw her friend a cautious look before indulging in merriness too soon. "Cause you know you have the choice, you just say the word and…"
"Don't worry Ten," Sakura laughed. "Already gave her the speech."
"Good." The brunette gave a firm nod.
Ino laughed, rubbing her belly. "Yeah, we do want it."
"Don't worry Ino," Hinata took her hand. "Soon the fear will be replaced with a lot of excitement and impatience to meet them."
Temari put a reassuring hand on her friend's shoulder. "And imagine how adorable our children will look when they become childhood best friends like you were with Shikamaru."
Ino couldn't help but grin at the idea, her heart feeling suddenly much lighter.
"In the meantime, better hide the evidence." Tenten said, squatting-down to pick-up the scattered plastic tubes.
"Yes! Before someone walks-in." Hinata agreed, giving Tenten a bag so she could stash them in.
At the moment the brunette zipped the bag, the door opened to reveal Ino's father.
"Ino, darling." Her father rushed in and closed the door. "Is everything alright? If you want to run away you just tell me, I'll start the car and you can jump in anytime."
"Oh, dad!" This was more than the bride could take and ran to her dad to hug him.
The father patted her daughter's shaking shoulders as she sobbed in his arms. "She doesn't have waterproof mascara on, does she?" He winced at the attention of her friends who amusingly shook their heads in response.
"Oh, dear Lord," He raised his eyes to the ceiling. "Hinata, will you tell the crowd it will be a few more minutes before the bride comes out?"
It felt like an eternity before the bride came out and it could not have been a minute later as Neji's patience was slowly wearing thin. And by the looks of it, so was Shikamaru's as his eyelids seem to slowly close after he muttered his hundredth 'what a drag'. Could the renowned lazy man nap standing? Not wanting to find out and preferring to avoid his friend falling face first on the Church's stairs they were standing on, Neji took it upon him to shake off his friend every time he seemed to succumb to slumber.
Shikamaru and him shared an annoyed glance, communicating both their desire to leave their post and call it a day, but Sai was one of their best friends, so they would stand by him for another hour if needs be.
Though Neji really hoped, needs wouldn't be. At least, this time around, he wouldn't be the best man, it was Naruto's turn to taste the stress that came with wedding planning when you weren't the groom.
"How? How did you do it?" Naruto had groaned another time on the phone. "There is nothing that comes to mind for the speech I need to write."
Neji chuckled. "The inspiration will come. Just start with one sentence and don't overthink it. Sometimes you just gotta go straight to the point." He smiled bitterly to himself, remembering what happened after she had said those exact same words. Her touch, her voice, still feeling so real. He could almost sense her pressed against him, like some sort of twisted phantom limb.
"I just don't know how to start." Naruto wailed. "What was your secret, huh?"
Neji shrugged, even though his friend couldn't see him. "I had a little help."
From the sudden heaviness of his friend's voice, Naruto understood he had uncovered some painful memories. Naruto felt compelled to apologize but knew this would only make it more awkward.
Tenten had been back for five months and Neji had seen her a couple of times already, with her new boyfriend. God, that blond artist was even more of a boastful prick in person. Neji swears if he had to listen one more time to Deidara's story of how Tenten is his divine muse from heaven, he'd cut his ear off à la Van Goh and gift it to the photographer to shut him up.
It was mostly at Ino's events that he saw the two together, probably because he was her cousin, though it was strange. Neji could swear Ino hated the guy as much as he did, so he couldn't understand why she bothered inviting him at all. Was it for Tenten's sake? He couldn't say. Maybe it was his jealousy talking, but he thought that for a couple, Tenten seemed to avoid physical contact with him.
Or was it just wishful observation from his part?
In any case, this provided some sort of consolation. And Lord knows Neji needed it, mostly after all the ups and downs of the last six months of therapy with Dr Senju.
When Tenten walked down the aisle following Sakura and Hinata, he made sure to keep his eyes glued to the back of Shikamaru's head.
Has his hair always been this spiky?
Contrary to Hinata's wedding where he had searched for her eyes so desperately, he was now avoiding them like his life depended on it. Last thing he needed was to have a meltdown at Ino's wedding with all her psychologist friends that looked at him, salivating as if he was a thanksgiving meal.
"They just think you're handsome." Ino assured him at her rehearsal dinner. And even though it was the truth, because Ino would never breach her friend's trust and gossip on the therapy advancement he had confided in her, Neji couldn't be quite convinced. He was sure these psychotherapists could smell his childhood trauma.
Ok, fine, maybe he was exaggerating a bit.
Just a little bit.
"We are reunited today to unite in holy matrimony…"
It didn't take much more for Neji to dissociate and replay in his mind, like he often did, the turning point that had changed his life in the last few months.
"I killed her. I killed my mother." He whispered.
Tsunade's back stiffened. Neji did not strike her as the murdering type, so she knew it was probably some kind of misguided guilt brought by a child incapable of understanding his parent's death that brought Neji to the point of believing he had killed his mother in his adulthood. Yet, she couldn't suppress the chills running down her spine. Not because she was scared, but because she was thrilled. She knew from his medical notes that no other psychotherapist had come this close to unveiling the real source of poison in Neji's mind.
Neji glanced at his watch. It was already one minute past the end of their session so he made a move to grab his coat and go but was stopped by Tsunade.
"No, stay." She said. "I can spare some more time, my next appointment is only in half an hour."
Neji eyed his psychiatrist suspiciously. Part of the reason he finally blurted his deepest secret out, was that he thought he would be able to retreat immediately after, and now she was asking him to stay?
"Tell me more about why you think your mother's death is your fault?" The careful choice of words by Dr Senju did not escape Neji's notice.
He took a deep breath, now that the first words were out, he found it easier, though still difficult, to follow through.
"I-" He stopped and took a deep breath.
Well, this was harder than he thought it would be. He could again feel the words blocking in his throat.
"Ok," Tsunade retreated. "What about we just talk about your mother. What was she like?"
He cleared his throat. "She was…" He frowned, trying to picture her in his mind, recollecting the meager souvenirs he had of her. "Sad. If one word could describe her, it would be 'sad'. I don't think I ever saw her happy. Not once. This had always boggled my mind when I was younger. Before my aunt died after giving birth to my younger cousin, I remembered thinking 'why isn't my mom like Hinata's mom?' It felt weird, you know?"
He looked up to the comforting gaze of the psychiatrist which encouraged to continue. "A crying mother. It's weird. She never laughed, I couldn't even describe her voice if I wanted to. Sometimes, she smiled a little bit. She tapped my head with her hand a few times. Now that I think of it, I don't have clear memories of her ever leaving the bedroom. I'd go to her room after school and try to tell her about my day and she would cry even more. I always made her sadder, even when I tried to tell funny jokes to her. Maybe that's why I stopped altogether."
He shrugged, giving a mirthless laugh. "Sometimes she'd turn around in her bed, as if she couldn't stand looking at me anymore. My dad always came a bit later and he'd husher me out the room. The more I grew, the less I visited her room. She didn't really want me there. Sometimes, I wondered if she'd come out of her room if I wasn't there. Other kids wondered if their toys came alive when they left the house and I- I wondered if my mother did."
Neji took a pause when his voice broke. "It became such an overwhelming question one time I skipped school just to come back early and see if she would be out of her room. That's when I saw her. She was in the garden, sitting on the wooden bench near the roses bushes. She fled as soon as she saw me and my father came soon after. I was grounded for a week after that. I think he was mad at me for making my mother even more sad. She barely ate that week and I believe it was my fault. I think she hated me."
Tsunade cleared her throat. Even after decades of experience, it never stopped to break her heart to hear stories of neglected childhood.
When Neji stayed silent for over a minute, she prompted him again. "Why do you think she hated you?"
Neji's opal eyes darkened. "I think I ruined her life. I don't think she really wanted me. I don't know much about her, but I know she was an actress when my father met her."
"You're not sure?" Tsunade asked, perplexed.
Neji shrugged. "We never talk about mom in the household. It's a sore subject for everybody. My dad, he doesn't say it but he still loves her. And my uncle, well, I think he feels guilty. It was a bit after her funeral, they had a fight in my uncle's study. After my mother died, my father became a bit like her. He didn't leave the bed much, I barely saw him. My uncle worked more often at the company to compensate for my father's absence. I think one day, my uncle just exploded and told him to get it together. I couldn't hear much, but I remember him telling my father he regretted that he was the one to present my mother to him."
Tsunade slowly nodded. "So when your uncle worked double shifts at the company and your dad wouldn't leave the bed, who took care of you? Did you have any nannies?"
"Not at first." He answered machinally. "In the first couple months, everyone was trying to adjust, and it didn't really come to mind to get someone to look after us. Hyugas are very 'family-proud', we don't like relying on outsiders much. I took care of Hinata and Hanabi when my uncle was away."
"That's pretty nice of you." Tsunade commented. "You care a lot about your cousins."
"It was more out of a sense of duty." Neji admitted.
She nodded. "Duty seems like an important concept for you. Why do you think so?"
She was starting to see a pattern in her client, but doubted he could see it yet.
Neji shrugged one shoulder. "Isn't it important for everyone?"
Yes, too early. Tsunade thought.
"Still, it was attentionate of you to take care of your cousins when you were the one grieving your mother."
Neji's eyes darkened further.
"I wouldn't know about attentionate. I was pretty mean to Hinata." He confessed. "I said some pretty mean things to her."
"Like?" The doctor pushed further.
"I'd yell at her. Mock her stutter. Tell her she was a loser. Once or twice even suggested she should have died instead and that we would have all been happier instead."
"That is pretty harsh." Tsunade conceded.
"Yes," He admitted. "It was."
"Why were you particularly mean to Hinata and let's say not Hanabi or your father?"
"Because," He sighed, this discussion was starting to wear him down. "Because I blamed her for my mother's death."
Tsunade wanted to explore that further, but she also needed to know a few other things. "So, if I understand correctly. In the first two months, you were completely alone?" She reflected.
"Not really," He shifted in his seat. "Tenten was there. Always. She'd help Hanabi with her homework while I cooked. Or she'd help me fold the laundry once my cousins went to their beds. More often than not her mother came with prepared food. She was actually the one to tell my uncle to get us a nanny."
"Seems like Tenten and her family were a good support system during these trying times."
"Yes, they were. Our fathers are best friends so even before that she was often home."
"So Tenten is a good friend of yours?"
He nodded. "My best friend." He hesitated. "Things got a bit murky after high school."
Tsunade eyed him critically, pondering if they should get on that now or later. There was no doubt in her head that his unresolved grief and his 'murky' relationship with Tenten were probably related.
After some silence, Neji added : "She's actually the one who pushed me in therapy."
"That's very wise of her." The doctor commented. "How would you describe her?" She tapped her pencil across her pad.
"She's…" He paused, picturing her in his head. Her nose, her smile, her gleaming eyes. He could hear her bubbling laughter and her teasing voice. "She's warm, playful, bubbly. She's a happy person that makes people around her happy too."
His eyes dug into the cream carpet covering the dark-chocolate wooden floor of Dr Senju's office.
"Mmh," Tsunade wrote 'happy' next to Tenten's name. "That must have been a relief for you, to have such a 'happy' friend when your mother always seemed to be so sad."
Neji gave her a strange look. "I- I guess."
"Must be quite frightening to see Tenten cry then?" She suggested.
"I'm sorry, what?" Neji's brows furrowed in confusion.
"Oh," Tsunade waved it off as if it was nothing. "I'm simply thinking out loud. It must be scary to see the one happy person in your life turn sad, reminding you of someone else you cared about very much, someone you felt like you couldn't save." She said the words as if she didn't care much about what she was saying, but she kept a watchful eye on any telltale sign from Neji's body language.
"I guess…" He repeated, shifting again on the cushiony couch.
Images of her ran through his mind. Her eyes, the first time she met fu. Her cry after their big fight when she told him she moved to Suna.
Neji...Please. She had cried after him. Her sobs that had followed him all the way home, had stuck to his skin for days, weeks. Anytime her face appeared on his phone, he'd hear them again and couldn't bring himself to answer her.
Her lingering sad eyes when they found him momentarily during his eighteenth birthday. The drunk sobs coming out of Hanabi's room, he had heard when he went downstairs and the uncontrollable rage he had felt at his powerlessness, how he had projected it on Shikamaru when he came back down.
Her eyes tearing up in the rain after that party he had dragged her out, knowing he was only good at hurting her now.
Her strangled voice, in their apartment, when she gave him back the key. Her tears, at Hinata's wedding, when she told him she loved him. When she begged him to find her.
All the times she was sad and hurt. Because of him on top of everything.
Yes, Neji realized how scary it had been every time he had witnessed Tenten sad.
Even though he seemed as emotionless as ever, Tsunade bit down a smile at the slight widening of his eyes. A little light of self-awareness had pierced the betoned cell he trapped himself in. Hopefully, the further they'll dig the more it would crumble, until Neji would have an unobstructed view of the big picture of the emotional mess he had weaved around himself.
"You had panic attacks when you were a kid?" Tsunade asked, flipping through his medical records. She made it look as if she was changing subjects, but she knew exactly where she was headed.
Neji nodded. "Got in a car accident when I was little, with my father."
"I see," Tsunade murmured. "The panic attacks came after that?"
"Yes," He confirmed.
"Had nightmares?" She pressed and he nodded again. "Of the car accident?"
"Not exactly." He shifted in his seat, suddenly reliving the conversation he had when his father made him see that one pedopsychiatrist after the accident. At that time, he had told her he had bad dreams of dying in a car accident. But he knew it was only part of it.
"Do you remember the dreams?" She waited for his nod. "Can you describe them?"
He looked up, trying to recall the recurrent childhood nightmare he had. "The nightmare started like any other day, my dad and uncle were dropping us to school."
"Us as in your cousin and you?"
"In middle school, we used to carpool with our neighbours down the road. They used to drop Hinata and me at school, as well as Tenten and Lee. Sometimes it was my uncle or father driving, other times either Mrs or Mr Maito."
"I see," Her gaze was lost in the analysis of everything. "So in the dream, someone was driving you four to school."
"Yes but out of the blue, I'd end up driving the car and I wouldn't know how to drive it so we'd crash somewhere." He swallowed. "I'd look up at the rearview mirror and see everyone crying. Then I would wake up and I'd have difficulty breathing."
"You saw everyone?"
"I saw Tenten cry." He admitted reluctantly.
"Ah." Tsunade nodded. "Was she there when you got in the accident?"
"We were near her street when it happened." He recalled. "A drunk driver had come straight at my father and I. There was a loud noise that alerted the neighbours and they came rushing to see. She was one of them."
"You saw her."
Neji nodded, remembering her crying face through the window.
"You had other panic attacks when you were older, am I correct?" She looked over the old medical notes again.
"Yes."
"When did they happen?"
Neji thought of the first time it happened after years of the panic attacks' disappearance. "The first time after a long time was after a big fight with Tenten."
"I see." Tsunade kept her face neutral. "And the following times?"
Neji's lips pressed in a thin line. The psychiatrist didn't force him further into his admission, she knew he had come to the realization himself and decided to explore the other elements she had jotted down on her pad.
Meanwhile, Neji's mind was running fast with the new understanding of his reactions.
It was always for her wasn't it?
Fu's written sentence seemed to taunt him at the moment, as he realized all of his panic attacks were linked to the idea of hurting Tenten even more. This irrational fear he had that if they went out together or if he committed to her like he dreamt to, she'd end up resenting him like his mother. She'd end up sad like his mother. She'd end up dead because of him like his mother.
"You said you blamed your cousin Hinata for what happened to your mother?" Tsunade changed the subject. "Why?"
"Normally, on Tuesdays Hinata had her ballet classes and I had soccer practice." Neji followed quickly, grateful for the change of subject. "My dad usually finished earlier than my uncle so he'd go home to start supper and my uncle who finished later came to pick us up around six.
Neji took a pause to clear his throat, images running wild in his mind. "But that day Hinata got a severe stomach ache. I had to miss my soccer practice to stay with her at the school's nursery while my dad came to pick us up. It was already five when he came to get us, so he just dropped me home on the way to get Hinata to the emergency room like the school nurse told my dad to."
The images became more vivid, the sounds more crisp and tuned in. He could almost smell the flourishing honeysuckles on the entrance portico of the Hyuga Mansion.
Neji composed himself and tried to swallow down the heavy marble settling down his throat. "Like I always did," He pursued. "I went to see my mother in her room. She was seldom out of bed, so I'd go kiss her, tell her about my day and leave her be." He shrugged, narrating numbly, mechanically the worst day of his life. "So that's what I did. I climbed the stairs. Everything was quiet and eerie, but that was very normal for me whenever I went to see her. But this time when I opened her door, she wasn't hidden under piles of blankets. She was on top of them and she..."
Neji's eyes burned and the heavy sensation in the pit of his stomach transformed into an undescriptivable dread as if he was reliving that day all over again. "She…"
"You don't have to give me any detail you don't feel comfortable sharing, Neji." Tsunade reassured him.
He nodded. "She had committed suicide." His lips trembled. "I don't remember much, there was blood everywhere and she was looking at me. I remember, her mouth seemed to mouth my name. And I knew at that moment, it was like a certainty, she had had finally enough of me. I tried to rush to her, I didn't know what to do. I waited too long, I think. The blood kept spilling and my hands were covered in it when I tried to keep it from bleeding. I was nine, nearly ten, I didn't know much. It's silly, really, because when you're a kid people always joke around with you 'Do you know how to dial 911'. And we always roll our eyes because it is such a stupid dad joke, isn't it? Simply this time." Neji raised his shoulders helplessly. "I forgot, I forgot for a whole two minutes before it struck me to call 911 and ask them to send an ambulance to our home."
"My uncle came ten minutes after the ambulance finally arrived. My hands were all bloodied and my school uniform too. I'll never forget how he looked at me. He was frightened. It took him a moment to approach me and lead me to the downstairs bathroom. He brought me my pyjamas, I changed into them and an hour later, my dad came rushing back, Hinata in tow. Turns out she just had some sort of indigestion."
His voice became suddenly unsteady as resurfacing emotions rushed up, sadness, anger, despair, panic.
"If-If Hinata hadn't been sick that day, my dad would have been home in time to save my mother." Neji finally concluded. "I blamed Hinata for a long time after that."
Again Tsunade nodded slowly. "Do you still blame her?"
"No." He answered firmly.
"Why not?" She tilted her head on the side in a quizzical manner.
Neji let out an exasperated breath from the aggressive questioning of his psychiatrist. But he also knew she had found a breach in his armour and with someone like him, if you were lucky enough to find one, you better dig as fast and as strongly as you could before it closed up again for good. He was like sand and tides, better drill that hole before the next wave of self-consciousness washes it all away.
"When I was a kid, mostly after my mother died, I had this idea that everything we did was fate, destiny. I believed that as human beings we were robbed of free will, ultimately everything we chose in life was affected by our environment, the cards we were dealt with when we were born."
"Those are some pretty intense reflections for a kid of what - ten years old?" Tsunade interrupted.
Neji shrugged it off. "Hyugas pride themselves on having strong academic backgrounds. I've been tutored since I was four in different subjects and languages."
Tsunade nodded thoughtfully. "So let me get this straight, a strong sense of duty, very existential dilemmas at a young age, and stepping up in household management." She paused a bit, trying to see if this lit a bulb over her patient's head. When he didn't react, she encouraged him to continue and not mind her interruption.
"If you're born mute, you'll never be a singer." He pursued where he had left off. "That's just fate, you didn't choose to not be a singer. It was not a decision you could make. You don't choose to be rich or poor, healthy or not. Yet social determinism will dictate your opportunities in life. The way I saw it, Hinata was predisposed to be a failure. From the beginning she had frail health. She was shy, always seemed undecided. She never spoke her mind and when she did, she stuttered. Before my mother's death, I thought nothing of it, I just rooted for her and protected her as I could. After that, all her qualities seemed to scream weakness. She always seemed to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. That got on my nerves. For me, her unfortunate fate had brought my mother down with her."
It was probably the first time Neji ever explained his thinking when he was a pre-teen. He had always known his philosophy on life was not very sound, but saying it out loud felt different. It felt so much more ridiculous than when it was safely wrapped in his head. Away from the scrutinizing glance of someone, he could allow himself to stay blind to its incongruencies.
Tsunade said nothing and Neji vowed to himself he wouldn't talk more than he already did. He had already spilled too much. Damn this doctor was good. The questions, the pauses, everything she did was completely deliberate to extract information from him. Forget waterboarding, just get Dr Senju to interrogate people.
Yet, his resolve faltered the more Dr Senju stayed silent. If in normal circumstances Neji could be well at peace ignoring the person in front of him, in her office it was different. He felt even more vulnerable silent than talking. At least, when he talked, he controlled the narrative and at least, it gave him a sense of owning the flow of the discussion. But when he was silent, he felt like an open book to her scrutinizing gaze.
Resigned, Neji followed. "I get that it sounds crazy. I don't know, maybe it was a twisted coping mechanism for me as a kid. If no one had free will, then I couldn't be held responsible for my own shortcomings. It wasn't my fault if I couldn't save my mother. And…" Suddenly Neji's throat felt tight. "And I guess by that logic, it wasn't like my mother deliberately chose to end her life and leave me."
The moment he said the last sentence he could feel his heart becoming a bit lighter. He hadn't even realized he was holding on to that truth, how he had lived by it and how much it had shaped his (screwed) understanding of the world around him. He noticed the blonde's lips ever so slightly quirk up and he knew she felt satisfied. This was the first time he came to a realization on his own during all his attempts of therapy and somehow that felt empowering. Like he was uncovering mechanisms of himself, rediscovering who he was and being less of a stranger to himself. Maybe, maybe if he could understand himself a bit more, things would stop to hurt numbly, like teeth pulling under local anesthesia. Maybe he'd start feeling better.
"So what changed?" She encouraged him to follow.
"I met this guy, Naruto." Neji smirked, recollecting his first encounter with the energetic boy. "We were in high school and he saw me being a complete ass to my cousin when we were alone. He gave me a pretty solid punch and proceeded to lecture me on my idiotic philosophy. The change was not instantaneous but it gradually got better. To this day…" Neji stopped to look seriously at Tsunade. "Everything I say here is patient-doctor privilege right?"
Tsunade nodded, curious about where this was going.
"Well, to this day I still admire Naruto. He was a kid with dyslexia and ADHD who had been bullied by pretty much anyone at school, me included. But he never let that stop him from becoming what he envisioned for himself."
The doctor laughed. "Normally, people want to make sure they have patient-doctor privilege because they are scared an admission could grant them jail time, not because they are scared their friends would know of their admiration."
Neji smirked. "Naruto would never let me live it down."
"As it may be, if we're talking about the same Naruto, I must confide he is my best friend's godson, so I can grant you you'd be probably right." The older woman smiled.
"Yes, I know." He settled in a bit more comfortably on the sofa.
Neji remembered when he talked about his appointment with Dr. Senju, that Naruto said was "she is a very skilled granny that will take good care of you". A praise from Naruto was something in Neji's book who held him in high regard. Sure, Naruto always had something nice to say about anybody, but that's because he had a very rare skill of pin-pointing someone's strength and talent very quickly. Maybe Naruto's kind of benediction somewhat contributed to the ease he had of sharing with this doctor.
"So what happened with your cousin after?" She redirected the conversation. "How did your relationship evolve?"
"Well, a few months after this incident, I realized my cousin had developed an eating disorder when her health condition worsened. Not only had I been completely blind to it, but my mistreatment of her was a major contributing factor. Both my uncle and I were very harsh with her. My uncle wanted to toughen her up and I was just cruel and resentful. The more we told her she was unfit and not enough, the more she tried to gain strength by depriving herself of food. I guess when those who are supposed to love you deprive you of love, you start believing you should also deprive yourself of it…"
Tsunade watched as Neji let his own words seek in and realized how it also applied to himself. Well, she had to give it to him, he was a quick learner, alright.
"It nearly killed me, because for a few days I was faced with the idea of Hinata dying. She would stop existing, all of this because I was vindictive and hateful. She is one of the kindest people I know. Even when I was an ass with her, she'd call me 'brother' and she would ask me every day how my day went and she'd knock on my door to-to…"
Neji looked away, his eyes burning with unshed tears and his throat stinging, his breathing becoming harder. He had never completely forgiven himself for how he had treated his cousin. After her recovery he had overcompensated by dotting on her and hovering above her like a third parent, at times it had probably overwhelmed her, but he felt he needed to protect her above all else. Not only out of a sense of guilt for his past action, but also because he had realized he didn't want a world where Hinata's compassion and love ceased to lighten it, and ceased to light his path during his darkest days. In many ways, he had realized Hinata was much stronger than him, always choosing to turn the other cheek, always closing the gap, being the bigger person and helping someone in need.
When life handed Hinata lemons, she not only made lemonade, but made sure to share it with everyone around her.
Neji took another deep breath. "She'd knock on my door to see if I was alright and if I needed anything."
"And were you?" The doctor asked.
"What?" He frowned.
"Were you alright?" She clarified.
"Yeah," He said, distracted by decade-old memories. "I was alright for the most part, I think I was able to pull it off."
"How?" She demanded. "What made it alright?"
"Tenten." He replied without hesitation. "She always made sure I was alright, that everything was alright. It's difficult to explain, but she grounded me in a way. Made me feel part of this world again."
"I understand," Tsunade said softly. "You felt cared for and you felt like you belonged to someone. Sense of belonging is an important factor of happiness. It must have been even more scary."
"I'm not sure I'm following you, Dr Senju."
"Well, on one side you have your mother who you describe as," She looked down at her notes. "Always sad, never present, neglectful. Or at least, that is my understanding of it, correct me if I'm wrong. The one person who was supposed to love you and chose you no matter what, decided to commit suicide." She waited, carefully assessing her patient's features, trying to evaluate if she should continue or not.
When satisfied to see he seemed composed enough, she continued. "She was your mother." She added more softly. "And she abandoned you, betrayed you. For children, feeling abandoned triggers parts of our brain that are associated with survival. When a child feels abandoned, it is akin to feeling like they will die because in ancient times, that was indeed the probable outcome."
Neji's ball grew bigger and heavier in his throat.
"Then, on the other side, you have Tenten." She raised her hands as if to mimic a scale with drastically different weights. "Someone you qualify as happy, caring, always present. She gives you this unconditional love. She chooses you, she stays. It must be scary, to imagine losing her and what she brought into your life like you lost it with your mother."
"So what," He snorted through his closed throat. "Are you saying I'm seeing Tenten as my mother?"
Tsunade's laughter boomed in the small room. "Oh, God no. I'm not very Freudian in my practice. I think the oedipus complex is quite overrated without any sound basis, if you want my opinion. I meant to say, through her role as best friend, Tenten gave you a safety you didn't know you craved but were very aware you needed to protect at all costs. No wonder why imagining her cry or hurt in any way could trigger your panic attacks, because her well being was directly linked to your sense of survival." She waited to let her words sink in. "Talk to me more about your friendship over the years."
Neji went into a summary of their close relationship throughout highschool. The day she met Fu, when she left for Suna after he had run to her empty room. Fu's death and Tenten's relationship with Kankuro. Their little respite of a few months when they became physically intimate, followed by their falling out and her newest boyfriend she made abroad.
"So not just a friend, huh?" Tsunade commented after he had finished. "So, do you?" She asked after hearing Neji tell her of their discussion at his cousin's wedding.
"Do I what?"
"Love her?"
"Of course I do." He replied indignantly.
She fought the urge to roll her eyes. "I meant romantically."
The silence lasted a few seconds before Neji finally let out : "I'd like to."
"It must be difficult to imagine a relationship you had depended on so much and for such a long time, transition from friendship to romance. After all, friendship is way less risky than fickle romance. What if the excitement died down and she came to the same conclusion you had that you don't deserve love, right? What if you lose the relationship you need so much because of romantic feelings that burned down?"
Neji threw her a barely concealed glare.
"After all, she had already left you once when she went to Suna without so much as a goodbye. That must have hurt?"
"I deserved it." He gritted. "I lied to her all year about my relationship and then just let her bear the pain of it when I knew how she felt because I was selfish."
"Yes, and that was a very interesting choice." She commented. "You knew she had feelings for you and for this reason you chose to hide yours from her."
"To not hurt her." Neji agreed.
"To not hurt her, or not hurt yourself?" She confronted him.
Neji threw the psychiatrist a glare. "I guess both." He admitted. "I knew I couldn't return the feelings even if I wanted to-"
"Why?"
"Because, like you said, that threatened my sense of safety."
"But it turned out that lying to her caused her hurt. Who would have thought?"
Neji gave her another of his well-honed glare. "Yes," He gritted. "I fucked up ok? That's why I'm saying I deserved her leaving me."
"Great, we love some self-awareness." Tsunade allowed. "Her choice to want to study in another city was just as valid as your desire to be romantically involved with the girl you had met. Friendship? Great, we love that. Codependency…? Err.." She wiggled her hands. "Not so much."
She paused to take a sip of water. "For what it's worth, yes, you 'fucked up', but that does not mean you deserve to be left behind or deserted, now, does it? Can't you make a mistake and still be worth forgiveness?" When he didn't answer she continued. "I think it was for the best that you got to spend some time apart, mostly since you two were transitioning in your feelings towards one another. Still, it was an oddly similar scenario, no?"
Neji raised a brow.
"Well, you come to someone you love and trust after school, go to their room, only to be confronted by the fact that they chose to leave you. And when you try to remedy it, you are faced with your own powerlessness. It was too late, she was gone."
Now Neji was sure the ball was about to explode inside him and shatter him with it.
It was close to half an hour since that they had been talking and Tsunade could see Neji had reached his limit for the day.
"I think we uncovered a lot of things today, Neji. Thank you for opening up to me, I am deeply honoured by your trust." She closed her clipboard. "Next session, let's talk a bit more about your mother, alright? Mostly how you believe, and I quote you, that you have ruined her life. Take a pad, jot down some feelings/thoughts you have about that. We will explore that further next time. Is that good?"
Neji nodded numbly. He doubted he'd be there for another session, but no need to tell her that.
"How do you think the session went today? Anything, in particular, you liked or disliked?"
Neji shook his head. "It was a lot."
Tsunade nodded.
"But it was informative." He admitted and the doctor smiled. When you worked her line of work, you took any kind of little victory when it presented itself.
"But before you go, you have five minutes left to let it go." She said authoritatively.
"Let what go?"
She firmly planted her box of kleenex in front of him. "The tears you miserably have held back during the session."
Neji snorted. "I'm not really into inflicting self pain. Thank you, but hard pass."
Tsunade crossed her arms. "Pain does not stem from sadness, just like for joy, it stems from avoiding it. When you avoid joy and you avoid elation, discovering, opening up to the world and receiving its energy and love. But if you always avoid feeling sadness, you avoid opportunities of being comforted and loved and made feel safe. I guess for someone who doesn't think he deserves love that makes sense. Better be hyper-independent than trusting anyone with your vulnerabilities, right? After all, if your own mother can abandon you, anyone else could, right?"
He hated her.
"So, let it out." She insisted. "And cry."
Neji was already on the verge of it, this whole hour and a half had bared his nerves and cranked their electrical pathways to their maximum. He felt on edge. So it didn't take much for the tears to finally spill. And sure enough, the ball that threatened to explode shrunk and true to her words, instead of growing as he feared, the pain subsided the more he let himself feel.
"Cry when you're sad, laugh when you're happy." Tsunade said simply. "For some people, it isn't as easy and that's when I come in with some pharmaceutical help. But for you, it is about letting your guard down and opening up to your feelings. Let them out, express them. Pain is a trigger our body needs to recognize to protect itself from danger, it spurs us to move and protect ourselves. If you're burning your finger, the pain will alert your body to move it away from the flame. In the same way, when you're encountering emotional danger, the pain will come up to spur an emotion that helps you readjust your circumstances. Listen to your feelings, understand them, honour them. That's how you'll avoid burning yourself to the ground."
Tsunade looked at his already back to normal, composed features before sighing and giving her last advice. "If you need to cry and don't know how, read a sad book, watch a sad movie."
A/N: I am so happy to have update this story, it has been too long and thank you for your patience. As I said, I am hoping to finish this story over the holidays so I can move on to other stories in 2022, hopefully! I am sorry for the many typos and idiotic mistakes this text probably have. I promise to thoroughly review it once I have time and my exams are over.
As always, your precious reviews are highly appreciated!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone!