A hand slammed on his desk and Izuku awoke from his dazed state.
Blood everywhere. It hurts, it hurts!
Izuku could remember choking on his own blood. The coppery taste… it felt horrible. But during that entire time he was dying, not once did he look away from Kaachan.
It's all his fault!
Izuku rubbed at his teary eyes and saw Kaachan standing over his desk. Smirking.
Izuku's blood was up in his cheeks. His head felt hot and his fists were tightly clenched with his fingernails digging into his palms.
It's all your fault Kaachan.
Had Izuku growled?
It didn't matter. Izuku was getting up from his desk. His muscles were tense, wound and ready for action. He couldn't hear anything except for his own beating heart and his own thoughts loud in his ears like a war drum.
Kaachan! If you were my friend you wouldn't act like this! If you were my friend you wouldn't cause me harm! If you were really my friend, Kaachan… then why do you hate me?
Kaachan's two friends were standing over by the classroom doorway watching wearily. Izuku was not acting like his usual timid self. In fact. He was acting kind of… confrontational. But that couldn't be… this was useless Deku.
"Deku," Kaachan's words boomed in Izuku's head. "That must be what you call someone who can't achieve or do anything. Quirkless, worthless, Deku."
"Hey," Kaachan barked at Izuku. "What do you think you're doing Deku? Think you're tough without a Quirk?"
"Kaachan." Izuku mumbled.
"Huh? What's that? You say something, shitty nerd?"
Izuku looked up and emerald colors bore into crimson. "You're a terrible friend."
Kaachan looked suddenly taken aback. Whatever he had been expecting. It hadn't been those words.
And Izuku…
Izuku finally let that anger boil over and decked Kaachan in the face.
Izuku wasn't strong by any means. He was scrawny and weak, but his punch had managed to knock Kaachan's head back for a second. And then Kaachan was shoving Izuku back hard.
Kaachan cracked his neck and glared at Izuku. "You really think you can take me on? Worthless Deku? You really think you're better than me? You think you're strong? I'll show you what it really means to be strong."
Izuku stared at that condescending angry gaze from Kaachan and snapped. "You're a Villain."
Kaachan reacted as if he'd been slapped. But he recovered quickly enough to snarl and throw a right hook.
Izuku ducked low as an explosion went off above and to his left. Kaachan always started off a fight with a right hook. Izuku brought his fist forwards and nailed Kaachan in the stomach.
The blonde doubled over and glared at Izuku. "You damned stupid Deku!"
While Izuku had predicted Kaachan's right hook. He couldn't have predicted Kaachan's leg sweep. One second the two boys were glaring emerald and crimson daggers at one another. Next, Izuku's back hit the classroom floor. He cried as pain lanced up his spine.
But Kaachan wasn't done. Kaachan was on Izuku in an instant. His palms combusting rapidly and his face was reminiscent of a rabid dog. "Know your place shitty Deku. You think you're better than me? You always think that you-"
Izuku twisted and suddenly Kachan was smashing into a desk. Izuku didn't stop there. He was up and tackling Kaachan onto the floor. Ignoring Kaachan's Quirk exploding into his sides. It burned. But Izuku didn't care. He just wanted Kaachan to shut up for once.
How could Kaachan think Izuku was better than him? When Kaachan had such an amazing Quirk and Izuku only had Return By Death. How could Kaachan think that when Kaachan was so much stronger?
Izuku screamed as one of the blasts from Kaachan's hands caught Izuku's uniform on fire. The rage bubbled over and Izuku punched Kaachan across the jaw or at least tried to…
Kaachan had caught the blow, looking at Izuku with a smirk before exploding Izuku's hand.
Izuku screamed.
"Fucking Quirkless-"
Izuku headbutted Kaachan.
It hurt Izuku but it hurt Kaachan too. And it made him shut up to boot.
Kaachan cried out in pain and rage and began to spark off another explosion while holding Izuku's fist when Izuku pulled away and kicked Kaachan right into the floor.
Kaachan coughed and cursed in pain. Izuku raised another foot this time to stomp on Kaachan when his leg was set on fire.
Izuku dropped down and Kaachan was on him again!
This time it wasn't an explosion but a fist in the face. Izuku's world rocked as his head went spinning. He'd never been hit so hard…
Izuku stared blankly at Kaachan. Kaachan huffed down at Deku. Izuku could try and headbutt his friend again but…
Kaachan wasn't stupid. He knew how to fight properly. He would predict it. Kaachan raised another fist and Izuku tried to kick his knee up into Kaachan's groin. But Kaachan had his legs locked tight around Izuku and there wasn't room for it. Kaachan smirked and leveled another fist into Izuku's cheek.
Izuku's head smacked back into the classroom floor and… were there two Kaachans? Or three?
"Yeah. That's right." All three Kaachan panted. "Learn your place. Shitty, Deku…I'm going to be a Hero. While you, Quirkless, worthless Izuku…" Kaachan's words veered off into oblivion as he stared down at Izuku. "Damn it."
Izuku agreed wholeheartedly.
Damn it.
It was just their luck that the Principal stayed until an hour after school ended.
Both boys had been seated in the office. Izuku burned and bruised. And Kaachan was sporting a nice shiner around his left eye and a couple hidden bruises beneath his shirt.
"Can't a guy get a break before the weekend? No? How about a couple of students deciding to break their classroom and each other?"
The boys said nothing.
"Katsuki, what the hell are you thinking kid? Do you want to ruin your chance at going to Yuuei?"
Kaachan kept staring at the floor.
"Katsuki Bakugo! Your lucky this little incident can be swept under the rug and that no lasting damage has been done!"
Kaachan said nothing.
"And you, Izuku Midoriya."
Izuku, like Kaachan, could only stare at the floor.
"I want to have a word with your parents."
Izuku froze. "Sir?"
"Your parents, Izuku. I'd like them to know just what kind of son they've raised."
Izuku looked up nervously. "I'm sorry, sir. My dad is in America."
"Don't get smart with me, Midoriya! I'd like to talk with your mother then."
Kaachan finally looked up. "Sir, that isn't necessary. Deku was too weak to actually hurt me. And besides, I thought we wanted to sweep this under the rug?"
The Principal glanced at Kaachan and then gave a half nod. "Yes, we do. However, what I can't hide is that young Midoriya here attacked another student of mine. A special student who has a big chance of getting into Yuuei. Who's to say this won't happen again?"
Izuku just nodded. Of course. It was fair. He was the one who had thrown the first punch. Kaachan was only defending himself.
And besides… he could always reset.
"Then if you're going to call Deku's mother." Kaachan was glaring at both Izuku and the Principal. "Then call my folks too."
Izuku blinked.
So did the Principal. "Excuse me?"
"You and I both know you damn well heard me! Call my folks too!"
Izuku stared at Kaachan.
Why?
Izuku had thought he had finally figured Kaachan out. But…
Kaachan was arrogant. Kaachan was mean. Kaachan was aggressive. And Kaachan used to be his friend.
What Izuku had learned from the last loop was that Kaachan was a problem. He was a bully even… so why?
After fighting with Izuku… why was Kaachan…
Is he still my friend? Even after everything?
The Principal sat in his chair behind his desk and sighed into his hands. "Then I'm afraid I'll have to call your parents."
Izuku and Kaachan sat outside of Aldera Junior High and waited for their parents to arrive. This was just great. Another wasted loop. How could Izuku have been so stupid. Instead of fighting with Kaachan he should have been planning on how to deal with the Sludge Villain.
Neither boy was looking at the other. The two fourteen year olds sulked in silence.
Why had he fought Kaachan? Looking back it was so stupid. Izuku was so stupid. What did he think he was actually going to accomplish? He was a stupid Deku. Kaachan was strong and amazing. Izuku hadn't stood a chance.
So why had he started a fight with Kaachan?
The answer was a simple one. He was angry. But why? Why was he so angry?
Because Izuku had almost completed the loop. Because Kaachan had let the Sludge Villain go. Because Kaachan had caused Izuku to kill himself and use Return By Death.
Of course Kaachan is amazing and strong.
But Kaachan was not All Might. And after everything Izuku had learned about All Might. All Might wasn't perfect.
So Kaachan isn't perfect either.
Izuku finally looked over to the blonde sitting a couple feet away.
It was Kaachan's dream to become a great Hero. Someone who could and would surpass All Might. But All Might wasn't everything Izuku had originally believed.
But that didn't make All Might any less of a symbol in Izuku's eyes. It just gave him shades. Before his Quirk had kicked in. Izuku had undying faith in the number one Hero and he had only seen black and white. Good and evil. All Might and the Villains.
But the world wasn't black and white…
Where Izuku used to look around the world for the amazing Quirks…
It wasn't perfect. Nothing about this society is perfect. But all the same it was far from imperfection.
Someone like All Might had risked it all to rise up as a symbol. A Symbol of Peace. But at what cost?
Izuku remembered All Might's injury. He remembered All Might's tired voice. But most of all, Izuku remembered all of the times he had died.
And Izuku understood why All Might had stood up. Taller than anyone else in the crowd. Why All Might had tried to make a difference. So what if he hadn't completely succeeded? Before Return By Death had activated…
Izuku had believed in All Might.
Now he understood All Might.
Because Izuku had a similar power.
Not anything that made him crazy strong.
But an ability to rewrite fate itself.
And it was breaking him, hurting him, killing him.
Izuku felt like crying.
Because Kaachan wanted to be like All Might too. And he had no idea just how hard it was. Kaachan had no idea…
Izuku felt…
He couldn't place it. But Izuku felt for Kaachan. Kaachan who had an amazing Quirk. Kaachan who had unwavering determination. To replace All Might…
Maybe Kaachan did know? Or at least suspected. Kaachan was smart. But then again. Kaachan looked up to All Might just as Izuku had before learning everything.
It wasn't fair.
None of it was.
It wasn't fair that All Might had to sacrifice so much…
It wasn't fair that Kaachan had been born with such an amazing Quirk…
It wasn't fair that Izuku had Return By Death…
It hadn't even been one day yet. And Izuku had already died so many times already. Was this how the rest of his life was going to play out?
Dying. Pain. Suffering. Anger. Regret. Acceptance.
He wanted to give up.
Just thinking about how impossible it would be to actually become a Hero with his Quirk. He'd have to die hundreds of times. Thousands of times just to save one person in most situations. If he wanted to be like All Might and save everyone…
He'd have to die billions of times…
His Quirk didn't make him stronger. Nor faster. It just worked as a simple checkpoint system.
What if it didn't?
What if everytime he died… he woke up at his desk all over again? He could live entire lives and wake up back in Aldera Junior High…
Izuku began to cry.
Stop it, you idiot. You can't be crying right now. You can't be thinking about these things. You need to be thinking about how to stop this Sludge Villain. You need to…
The bottle…
The Sludge Villain had been in a bottle after attacking Izuku…
After All Might saved Izuku…
No…
Don't tell me…
Izuku began to giggle.
It wasn't Kaachan's fault. Or All Might's. This entire time, it's been my fault, Izuku realized.
"What the hell is so damn funny, you shitty-" Kaachan didn't quite finish what he was going to say when his eyes met Izuku's.
Izuku was laughing. Tears were pouring down his cheeks like waterfalls. And Izuku was laughing.
Can't you see Kaachan. How funny it all is? This entire time… I've been fighting myself!
Kaachan just stared at Izuku with wide eyes. As if Izuku had suddenly transformed into the Sludge Villain. But Kaachan wouldn't know about the Sludge Villain. Those two have never met. At least not in this loop.
Izuku laughed until he was choking on dry air.
All this time. It was because I caused All Might to drop the bottle. Can't you see Kaachan? I'm an idiot!
That was how Inko Midoriya and Mitsuki Bakugo found the boys outside on the steps of Aldera Junior High.
His mother was worried for him. Izuku knew this. Of course she would be. She and Mitsuki had stumbled upon Izuku having a mental breakdown.
First she had received a call from the Principal telling her that her son started a fight with Kaachan. She had probably been upset, maybe even anxious. But now she was worried.
"Izuku, sweetie. You know you can tell mommy anything, don't you?"
Izuku wanted to use Return By Death at this very instance. He didn't like making his mother worry. He didn't like hearing her voice this fragile. It was a different kind of hurt and Izuku would have preferred the physical kind of hurt using Return By Death.
But what could he use?
Izuku Midoriya and his mother Inko Midoriya, stood outside of the Bakugo residence. Several hours had passed since the fight. The Bakugos had come up with the idea of having one big dinner together with the Midoriyas.
Izuku could probably throw himself into traffic but…
One, his mother would probably stop him or die trying. Two, there was no traffic in the street outside of the Bakugo residence. Three, Izuku didn't think getting run over would be the quickest way to reset.
He could continue on with this loop. Maybe make some progress by not resetting. Maybe not. He still didn't know just how his Quirk worked. And besides, he wanted to learn more about the Sludge Villain incident.
Izuku had checked the news earlier in between here and Aldera. It had taken All Might a while to catch the Sludge Villain without the Sludge Villain stopping to attack Izuku. Several people were admitted into the hospital. It was all Izuku's fault, because he got into a fight with Kaachan.
Those people got hurt because of me. Only I need to…
He had to reset. He had to save as many people as he could and he had an actual plan this time. He would reset, wake up at his desk, leave school, get attacked by the Sludge Villain, and make sure All Might has the Villain with him when he leaves.
That was all he needed to do.
It was so simple in hindsight. Izuku wanted to kick himself. But his mother was standing right next to him and he didn't want to cause her any more worry.
He had worried her enough.
"It's fine, mom." Izuku tried to smile. When his mother started frowning he stopped trying to smile. He couldn't do it anyways. Not while people were hurt and it was all his fault. Not Kaachan's.
And that was one of the big reasons he had gotten into a fight with Kaachan. And Kaachan had been innocent. Well not completely innocent but he wasn't entirely at fault either. Izuku was the one to blame.
Now his mother was worried. The Bakugos were worried. And Kaachan?
Izuku remembered the look on Kaachan's face as Izuku broke down on the steps outside of Aldera Junior High.
It was so unlike Kaachan to look so…
Helpless…
"Are you sure hunny?"
"Yes, mom." Izuku didn't try to smile this time. He just nodded and looked at the Bakugo house.
"Izuku. I meant to ask this earlier but… why were you and Katsuki fighting at school? Why were you fighting?"
Izuku couldn't look at his mother. What could he say? That he remembered Kaachan getting Izuku killed in a previous life? That Kaachan wouldn't have even had the chance to make that mistake if Izuku hadn't made All Might drop the stupid bottle in the first place?
She'd think he was crazy.
Would she put Izuku in a mental ward? What would happen to his Quirk if he was sedated? Quirks were a physical component to one's body like an extra muscle. Drugs often had side effects on Quirks. It was a widely debated field but some drugs have been shown to have an obvious effect. Like Trigger. A drug that could empower a Quirk and make the user different.
What would Trigger do to his Quirk? Not that Izuku ever planned on doing any drugs. That would be illegal and he wanted to become a Hero. But he was still curious. With a Quirk like his…
"Izuku?"
Izuku blinked. "Yes, mom?"
"You started spacing out there. And you didn't even mumble. Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yes, mom. I'm fine." Izuku took a deep breath. This life didn't matter. None of this mattered. He was going to reset as soon as he could. "Look, Kachaan and I, we've been growing apart."
Inko sniffed. "I know sweetie. And that's so sad. You two used to do everything together, it was so hard to separate you two. You were like brothers."
Brothers?
Izuku was an only child and so was Kaachan. But…
What was it like to have a brother? What even was a brother?
Biologically it would be if Izuku had a male sibling. Either older or younger or even the same age in the case of a twin brother. Izuku knew that the number two Hero Endeavor had lots of kids. But Izuku's mom and dad only had Izuku.
Izuku didn't really pay attention to Hero drama. Just fights between Heroes and Villains and whenever a Hero saves a civilian with a Quirk. He didn't hardly knew anything about Hero families and their family lives.
Was Kaachan like a brother to Izuku?
Did brothers help each other? Fight each other?
"It's not just that mom. Kaachan's been acting mean. Not just to me but everyone. We just got into a little fight is all. Nothing too important. And it was my fault. I started it. I should be punished."
I am being punished.
Just being around his mom and knowing that she was worried because of him, for him. It was killing him.
"We'll talk about that later. Okay, sweetie?"
The door swung open and Mitsuki Bakugo stood to the side. "Are you two gonna stand out here all night or are you gonna come in and have a bite to eat?"
Izuku sat at a table with his mother on his left. And Kaachan on his right. To Kaachan's right was his father. And to Inko Midoriya's left was Kaachan's mother.
The three adults were conversing avidly making up for lost time.
Izuku and Kaachan sat there in silence listening to it all.
Their parents talked about their time in school. How they used to fight at times. How they were doing at work. How Izuku and Kaachan were doing in school.
Izuku glanced at Kaachan.
Kaachan's teeth munched into rice.
Izuku looked down at his plate. He really wasn't hungry. And soon it wouldn't matter. He'd be dead and waking up back at his desk.
Wait a second.
How am I not tired right now?
By using Return By Death over and over. Technically Izuku hasn't slept in over twenty hours. And he wasn't tired. He was barely hungry. Although that one was probably because of his mood. But did Return By Death reset his body entirely upon death?
No. If it reset my body entirely then my brain would reset too. I wouldn't remember the past lives. So, does the reset not affect my brain? What if I suffer brain damage? Wait, I jumped from a building and died. That would have smashed my brain. So my brain does reset with Return By Death. But then… how come I can remember? Does it only reset part of my brain? No, same argument. It must reset the whole brain. So how?
Then it hit Izuku on the head.
It's a Quirk. The Quirk resets my body but it keeps my mind somehow. Going on with that logic, what happens if I overuse Return By Death? Will I just die permanently or will I stop remembering? In which case it would be just as bad as dying permanently because without being able to remember I would just repeat myself on loop forever.
Then something else hit Izuku on the head. A small grain of rice to be precise.
"Damn Deku, stop nerding out right next to me." Kaachan was grumbling. His voice was quiet for once.
That must be Izuku's fault too. Kaachan was never quiet. Not even in his own home from what Izuku remembered when he used to come over. Another reason to reset.
Izuku stared around at the room he hadn't been invited in for years now. This was Kaachan's room. Not exactly as Izuku remembered it but…
This was definitely Kaachan's room.
Everything was neat and orderly. Not a single thing out of place. It looked like someone with OCD might have arranged it all, someone with OCD who liked Heroes, skulls, the color black, and fiery explosions.
Izuku stared at a poster along one wall. A massive black skull on a black background with a massively detailed explosion behind the skull. He looked at the posters and newspaper clippings of All Might ordered by the article date next to it.
Some newspapers covered other Heroes such as Endeavor, Best Jeanist, or even Hawks. But these were separate from the All Might news collection.
In one corner of the room was a set of weights. Izuku might have been googling too long because Kaachan smacked the back of his head and pushed passed him. "Idiot, are you just going to stand there all day and be useless?"
Izuku didn't have to be here. He could've gone to his mother and asked to leave. So he could reset sooner. Hell he probably could have just reset in the Bakugos bathroom.
But he didn't.
Izuku had something he wanted to say to Kaachan. He knew that once he'd reset that Kaachan wouldn't remember. But it wasn't for Kaachan that Izuku needed to say it. It was for Izuku.
"You're not perfect, Kaachan."
Kaachan froze.
"What was that?"
Izuku looked Kaachan in the eye. Unlike the rage they had shared earlier, now it was only a slight awkward discomfort between the two. Izuku could handle awkward situations. He was awkward all the time.
Kaachan could not handle awkward situations. Whenever something was awkward Kaachan either blew it up, barked at it, or walked away from it. Although that was how Kaachan dealt with most issues.
Izuku went on. "You don't have to be perfect. You don't need to be perfect because nobody is perfect."
Kaachan stared at Izuku. It was clear that Kaachan was about to do something to either stop Izuku from speaking or so he couldn't hear Izuku's words.
So Izuku pressed on. "All Might isn't perfect."
Kaachan scoffed. "Of course he is. He's All Might."
Izuku shook his head. He needed to convince Kaachan. But how. How would he have convinced…
"If you think he's perfect then look at his smile."
Kaachan eyed Izuku. "What about his smile? He's always smiling. Especially after he's done taking out the trash."
Izuku shook his head again. "Think, Kaachan. Could you smile like that all the time? Could you be perfect like that?"
Kaachan dithered. "I don't need to smile to be perfect. I'm plenty strong!"
"But I thought you wanted to surpass All Might as the number one Hero?"
Kaachan was growing irritated. "Of course I do!"
"Then, can you smile all the time then? Just like All Might? I know you're strong Kaachan. You won our little fight earlier. I know you can become even stronger. Maybe even stronger than All Might. But can you smile like him? All the time? Aren't you going to surpass him?"
"I can smile after every beatdown I dish out!"
Izuku tried again. "But All Might smiles all the time."
"Damn it. Just what the hell are you getting at?" Kaachan was gritting his teeth.
"What I am getting at, Kaachan. Is that if you are perfect and you can't smile all the time… what does that say about All Might?"
"So what? Of course he's better than me. He's All Might."
Izuku sighed and decided to just put the nail in the coffin. "Kaachan. His smile is fake."
"What?"
"His smile is fake Kaachan."
And that was all Izuku needed to say for the doubt to creep into Kaachan's mind. Already Izuku could see the thoughts springing to life, the conclusions being reached.
"Nobody is perfect Kaachan. Not even All Might. You don't have to be either." This society wasn't perfect. Nobody was. Why couldn't Kaachan see that he was amazing? Why couldn't Kaachan see that he didn't have to be perfect? Why couldn't Kaachan be easier on himself?
"Get out."
"Kaachan?"
"I said get out, Izuku!"
Izuku almost didn't leave. Kaachan had called him by his name. Not, "shitty nerd," or, "worthless Deku." Just, "Izuku." But he had failed to convince Kaachan that he didn't have to be perfect. And that hurt Izuku knowing that he'd failed his friend.
Izuku left to speak with his mother because it was time to reset.
Izuku and Inko arrived home an hour later.
Izuku said goodnight to his mother and left to brush his teeth. Upon completion ordinarily he would have returned to his bedroom to sleep the night away.
But Izuku had a job to do. So he went into the kitchen instead.
It had been nice.
A break from everything else.
Some time to think and collect himself.
But it was time he went back.
Return By Death thumped in his chest and Izuku grabbed the kitchen knife.
I don't want to die.
Izuku stared down at the blade. He fought sight of his reflection and he looked terrified.
I really don't want to die. It hurts.
Izuku brought the knife up to his throat.
I know I said that with this Quirk. That I would be a Hero. That I would save everyone. But…
I'm sick of it already. It hurts. Dying hurts. Reliving memories. It hurts. Having moments like the ones I shared earlier with Kaachan, with our families… only for everyone to forget them, everyone but me…
It hurts.
Izuku's grip tightened and his resolve wavered only for a second.
But it hurts even more when I know someone can be saved and I have the power to change their destiny. In this loop I let the Sludge Villain rampage and injure less than a dozen civilians, I worried my mother, and I failed to help Kaachan deal with the pressure of all of his expectations. But with this power of mine, Return By Death. I can fix everything. I can save everyone.
Izuku shoved the knife deep beneath his chin.
It hurts!
Izuku coughed up blood and fell forwards onto the kitchen counter. His hands were slick with red blood and he slipped. There was a loud crash as he hit the floor.
It hurts!
Someone was calling from another room, far away. Asking for Izuku, if that was him? If he was all right? If he needed any help?
Izuku coughed up blood and choked on coppery liquid.
It hurts so much. Make it stop. Make it stop. Someone please make it stop.
It wasn't as quick as it could have been. Inko found her son bleeding like a stuck pig from the knife lodged into his neck.
She screamed.
And Izuku Midoriya died.