Izuku Midoriya

It was Sunday night, and once again, Midoriya found himself lying awake in his bed. Each time that a wave of drowsiness crashed over his body, his thoughts simply chipped away at the fleeting hope he had of proceeding to fall asleep.

I feel like I'm paralyzed with anxiety, Midoriya began to ruminate as he rolled onto his back and exhaled deeply. Just sleep. Close your eyes and sleep. But my mind is racing. I have essays to write, exams to study for and complete, other things I need to catch up on, and… He felt a sweltering surge of frost shoot through his body as his breaths hastened. I don't want to do this. I want to escape. Get out. Make it stop. Calm down. Izuku, calm down. Calm down. God, I can't…

The entirety of Midoriya's body trembled violently. His digits were numb, but his forehead was mantled with a blazing slice of heat. Even his breaths began to break into shallow gasps, despite his own endeavor to allay the scalding anxiety latching onto his chest like the jaws of a beast.

I'm panicking, Midoriya realized. Deep breaths. Calm down. Step back. Deep breaths. Slowly, calmly, deeply. My chest is so tight. Okay… Calm. Calm… He concentrated on the rhythm of his breaths. Just like Shouto showed you. It's okay. Deep breaths.

After regulating his breathing, Midoriya lifted himself out of bed and ambled into the bathroom. His body continued to quake as the subtle tapping of his feet against the frigid tiles on the floor slapped his ears. With a slow, silent exhale, Midoriya reached for his blade, but he dithered; his hand wavered above the glistening object.

There's an itch I haven't been able to scratch. I know I've gone without this for a few days, but I always feel so…calm after I do this. I'm sorry, Shouto. I know it's a bad habit. I know cutting is an unhealthy coping mechanism. I know it's dangerous. But I usually do it when I'm panicking and can't think of anything else, and…it makes me feel some relief. It's bad, I know. I know… I feel guilty for doing this. It makes me more anxious to hide the scars, knowing they're there. It makes me feel pathetic and weak, really. But I'm used to those feelings, and I'll take them with the addicting adrenaline rush and calmness afterwards. Geez, this is a terrible cycle to be stuck in.

Finally grasping his blade, Midoriya gripped it with a great tenacity as he slashed across his left wrist. The burning sensation of the cut nibbled at his skin, but although his mind typically convinced him that he would experience a horrific chain of pain, the thought of experiencing so much pain or cutting too deep was always the true pain in the equation. His adrenaline peaked once his conviction was driven into his actions, but that pulsating high of adrenaline gradually tapered off once Midoriya sliced through his skin.

He'll be disappointed in me for this, Midoriya began to chastise himself as he ran his wrist under cold water with a wince. It was selfish of me to do it, but I couldn't resist. When I'm panicking, my mind and my body tell me that I need to do it. Otherwise, I've gotten better at resisting the urges I get to cut. Better, but not good enough. No matter how much better I get at something, it's never enough.

After wrapping up the laceration on his wrist, Midoriya lowered himself onto the floor. I really don't know if I'll be okay when Shouto is gone. I cry to him, vent to him, and go through anxiety attacks in front of him, and he's become my foundation because of that. He's always been here for me. He inhaled deeply, holding his breath for a few seconds before exhaling slowly. I've never seen him cry. He never vents about anything. He's always so calm and aloof. He's so strong… And he has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen.

I'm glad my friends think I'm happy, but it hurts just as much to know that they have no idea about the real me. I feel terrible for pretending to be someone I'm not and lying to their faces, but there are so many other people with problems so much worse than mine. Like Eri… They shouldn't be worrying about me. They should be worrying about the people that need to be saved. Midoriya felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Shouto? Is he calling me? Being with him always perks me up a little bit. But…my emotions are confusing. I don't know what I'm feeling most of the time. Am I feeling anything? What is it? I never know. Oh. Kacchan?

"Deku, get to Icyhot's dorm immediately!" sibilated Bakugou like a livid roar of thunder.

Midoriya's heart plummeted into the pit of his stomach as arrant fear throbbed through his body in benumbing, scorching waves. "What happened?!" He scrambled to his feet and began to dash blindly for the door.

Oh, God, I feel sick. I have a bad, bad, bad feeling about this. Stay calm. Don't start panicking again. Please be okay…

"Just haul your ass over here! Deku, I fucking need your help!"