Chapter 7
Between ice and fire
Jack managed to go back to the farm before the first lights. Without a sound, he sneaked into the house and placed back the stolen coins in their place. Just as stealthly, he reached back his bedroom, changed into his nightgown and slipped under the covers. It was cold, but he felt like it was colder than usual. Surely because he had learnt anew what warmth was thanks to Hiccup and the dragons.
Thinking back to the tamer and his wonderful creatures felt like spilling acid on his heart. He winced and folded on himself. As his head rubbed on his forearm, the roughness reminded him he still had dye covering his whole head. He held back a grunt and sat up. Despite the darkness, he saw dark stains on his sheets. He would have to clean this, but before that he had to clean his hair, hoping the dye would come off.
So he gave up the comfort of his bed as well as the few hours of sleep he could have had before Jonathan and Mary's wake up. Only dressed in his nightgown, he undid the pillowcase and took it with the blanket, a towel and his cape. He doubted Jonathan would be delighted to find him in the bathroom, using their rainwater, so he aimed to use the basin outside.
He climbed down the stairs, making sure not to make any sound, and headed to the front door, but he was stopped dead in his tracks as he heard a plate break in the kitchen, followed by a gasp. He froze and hesitantly turned to face a shocked Mary. Still in her nightdress, her short hair messed up a bit, she had visibly just woken up.
''J-Jackson…'' She gasped, her hands flying up to her mouth.
Tears shone at her eyes by the candle light on the table, and Jack swore he had stopped breathing. He found himself unable to move, all he could do was staring back at his mom. His mom who was finally recognizing him. He wondered what had changed for her to see him, to remember who he was, until the dye popped in his mind. Granted the color was a bit darker than what he had before, but the dim morning light was making it look close enough.
The hope making his heart pound died down, and he knew it was just a matter of time before she realised he was still the 'ice demon who took possession of her son's corpse'. He didn't want to see realisation dawn in her hazel eyes, not while she was looking at him with this look every mother had for her children. He closed his eyes in a grimace and rushed to the door, almost dropping half of his load.
''Wait !'' Mary called after him.
He didn't give her time to catch him up as he left, but when he slammed the door shut, it didn't really slammed because she had caught it, and he heard her steps running after him, her voice still calling him.
''Jackson, wait ! Come back !''
''No !'' He cried over his shoulder.
''Mary, what's going on ?'' Jonathan asked from the door.
Jack didn't listen to them and kept on running away from the house, towards the farm, at least until he tripped on a chicken coming out of nowhere. He fell and sprawled on the dirty ground, sheets and cape dropping around him. Mary's steps caught up with him and, soon, he felt two thin, warm hands cup his face. He shut his eyes and folded them to make sure she couldn't see them, knowing perfectly the spell would be broken once she saw the icy irises.
''Jack, sweetheart, you okay ?''
''Don't touch me,'' he barked as he pushed her hands away. ''How dare you ?!''
''Jackson, what's wrong ?''
''So now you remember my name, huh ? After four long years, how handy it is !''
''Jack ?''
He jumped as he heard Jonathan's voice sa close to him. Visibly, the woodcutter and farmer had rushed after them too. Jack hated the confusion in the voice of the man who used to be father. He didn't dare open his eyes, he wanted to enjoy this moment as they were finally recognizing him, but at the same time he wanted them to go back to this cold and distant behavior they had had since the accident. Them acting again as parents was hurting more than anything, because it felt insincere.
''Jack, my boy, is that really you ?'' Jonathan asked.
He backed as he heard the man crouch next to him. Tears were gathering behind his eyelids and he could feel his throat tightening to the upcoming sobs. When he felt the callous, large hand of his father land on his arm, he pushed it away too.
''You let me down.''
''Oh no Jack,'' Mary said. ''We would have never done that, sweetie.''
He gave in and burst in tears, he didn't even found the strength to push away Mary as she hugged him. She pressed her head against his and stroked his hair while hushing him. His tears and sobs distorted his voice as he forced himself to speak.
''You left me all alone, you rejected me, you have refused to see it was still me…''
''What are you talking about, Jack ?'' Jonathan hesitated, also touching the boy as he put his large hand on the top of his head.
''God, you're freezing, sweetie.'' Mary added, rubbing his back and arms. ''Come inside, we'll warm you up.''
She let go of him and wanted to help him on his feet, but he pushed her arms away, along with Jonathan's hand. The man startled and stepped back. He then noticed brownish stains on his palm. He rubbed his fingers together and it didn't took long for him to understand what it was. Then he looked at the boy in front of him, at his hair. With the rising sun, he realised he didn't recognized the color. It was not his son's chesnut with red highlights, which he had taken after his wife. Instantly, he frowned.
''Mary, get away from him.''
''What ?'' She asked, confused.
''Get away from him ! It's not our boy !''
He grabbed her arm and pulled her with him, a deathglare adressed to the crying boy.
''Jonathan, you-'' Mary tried.
''How dare you, demon ?! Why are you tormenting us like this ?! We already lost both our children, why do you want so bad to take his appearance ?! Leave our son rest in peace, for God's sake !''
''Stop it, Jonathan, he's our son…''
''No, Mary. It's not Jackson. This monster is not him. Show your true form, demon !''
Strangely, Jack's towering pain and heartbreak soothed down, as if suddenly numbed by the cold. There was nothing left behind, just a huge hole, and some kind of acceptance. Still half-sprawled on the ground, eyes closed, he opened his mouth and spoke with a lifeless, limp voice.
''For almost four years I've been waiting. I've been hoping you would recognize me, realise that, behind these new colors, it was still me. Looks like I was wrong. You will never understand. Franc was right.''
''Franc ?''
''It would have been better for everyone, especially me, if I had just drowned with her.''
One last tear rolled down his cheek as he opened up his eyes, revealing the pale, icy blue color adorning a snowflake pattern. Mary let out a distorted noise that sound like a mixture of a yelp and hiccups. Without a word, with a heavy and slow movement, the boy stood up, facing the distraught couple.
''You were right when you said I was cursed, but not in the way you meant. I'm not cursed because death rejected me, nore because I left all my colors and warmth in the pond. I'm cursed because no one can see me anymore. No one recognize me. Not even my own parents.''
Mary burst in tears, but he knew it was not because of his words, but because, once again, she thought he was nothing but a demon, not her son. Jonathan wrapped his arms around her, still glaring at Jack as if trying to deter him from coming closer. But it was obvious the tall, bulky man was terrified of the shorter, skinny boy.
''You may have lost your daughter that day, but I've lost everything. I've lost my baby sister, my parents, my friends, everyone I knew, even my home… everything.''
''You never had any of that in the first place, demon !'' Jonathan barked. ''Now stop playing around, our world has nothing for you, just go back to the hellhole you're coming from and leave us alone !''
Jack stood frozen, silent. A numb pain bloomed in his chest, it felt like Jonathan's words had hit physically, to the extend he stepped back in a start and nearly tripped again. He lowered his head.
''Then I'll leave, I-''
''No !'' Mary shouted, shaking and crying.
''Mary, dear-'' Jonathan tried, but she cut it.
''If he leaves, no one would be able to make sure he doesn't curse us, nore throw a storm on us, or… or…''
''So that's the reason you were keeping me, all this time ?''
The couple turned back to the pale boy. The hole inside of him suddenly got filled with a less welcomed feeling. Betrayal.
''And here I thought that, deep inside, you knew it was still me. You were just keeping me out of fear ?''
Mary shrunk on herself while Jonathan's gaze hardened. He clenched his fists and pulled his wife behind him, shielding her.
''How were we supposed to see you as our son, monster ? You're nothing like he was, not even in appearance. If there's one thing you will never be able to reproduce, it's this light he had in his eyes, and his joy.''
Jack sighed and lowered his head. Fresh tears formed in his eyes, but he refused them to fall. Either way, it wasn't like the persons who once were his parents were going to give them any credit. They were refusing to see he was not faking these emotions, they were refusing to see they were breaking his heart.
''You're probably right. This light is gone for a long time, now. You're the ones who killed it.''
Clenching his fists and looking up at them, he wanted to seem resigned and detached, but visibly his heartbreak was showing somehow. To the extend that, for once, it seemed genuine to the couple, judging by the surprise in their wide eyes.
''There's nothing left for me here, I can see it, so I'll just leave. Don't worry, there won't be reprisals. Not on you, neither on the village. I have never been able to spread diseases nore trigger an avalanche, anyway. Plus, you guys are already hurting yourself and one another just fine on your own.''
Without added word, he bent to pick up the linen, then turned around to run into the forest, letting his tears fall freely and flood his face. Without looking back, he left everything behind. The roof shielding him from the rain, he had once called home. The couple hosting him and feeding him – sparsely, but still – he had once called parents. He left behind his happy childhood and sweet memories of loving family. He wanted to also leave the bad memories from the almost four years, unfortunately those ones stuck with him. He knew it would follow him wherever he could end up, and would haunt him forever.
He ran and ran into the woods, not knowing where he was going, not knowing where to go. There was nothing left for him outside either. No shelter, no comfort, only the promise of an even bigger solitude. At least, maybe a complete loneliness, without anyone around him, would make things better ?
No one to stare at him. No one to talk behind his back. No one to give him mean names. Maybe it was for the best. The villagers would finally be ridden of the demon haunting them for four years, and he would be ridden of their fear, paranoia and reject.
After what felt like hours, he stopped running. He just stopped. Standing in the middle of the woods, bare feet digging into the soft dirt and grass, he looked down and contemplated what he was carrying. He had just lost everything, and the few he had left was there, in his arms. Just a few fabrics. His overgrown nightgown falling down to his knees, his patched hooded cape, and a blanket. He sighed and wiped his face on his sleeve, before putting on his cape, then fold the blanket.
He hugged it against his chest and looked up around him. He had spent so many time in these woods since his childhood, then as he helped Jonathan as a shepherd during teenage years, he knew it by heart. But that also was the case of the woodcutters and hunters of the village. He could try and hide, but they would end up finding him and, now that the constant threat of his curse had lifted, he knew they wouldn't be afraid anymore to kill him.
There was only one place where they wouldn't dare bother him. Even if he hated this place, and was scared out of his mind of it, there was no other shelter for him. So he made his way towards it by dragging his feet. The closer he was getting, the tighter he was hugging his blanket, as if it was a stuffed animal that could comfort him, protect him.
He froze as he finally reached the pond. Its slightly cloudy water was shining and reflecting morning sunlight like a mirror. It didn't look like water, it looked like liquid silver, both blinding and as dark as abyss.
Jack walked slowly to the shore, eyes focused on the water. While his tears were starting to dry on his cheeks, his heart hollow, dark thoughts arose. Snickers from Franc and his friends, hurtful words from Mary and Jonathan, his own thoughts echoing with it…
Everything would have been so much easier for everyone, including him, especially him, if he had just drowned in this pond with Emma. He knew it was the best solution, that it would solve everything, but at the same time, he was scared. He knew this kind of darkness, he knew it too well from coming too close to it. Complete darkness, the bite of the cold all over his body, outside as well as inside, in his throat, in his lungs…
It was this memory feeding his fears, and the thought of going through this again was far from rejoycing. But it could end all his suffering… But was it really going to end it ? Death had already declined him, what proof did he have that it wouldn't happen again ?
He took a deep breath and, still hugging his blanket, he lifted a feet towards the pond. He closed his eyes and was about to step into the water, but he stopped at the last second as a voice emerged in his head, tuning out the others.
''See you tomorrow, Jack.''
He froze in his movements. Hiccup's voice acted like a fire in the middle of the night he was lost in. He wanted to reach it, warm up to it, seek in it comfort and the promise that everything would be fine. He winced and shook his head to chase it away, listening instead to the snickers.
''You're just an anomaly.''
''There's no way I'm staying in the same room as him !''
''Hey, look ! That's the White !''
''The Cursed touched her ! She's gonna be sick !''
''Don't let him touch you !''
''What a maggot, seriously.''
''Looser.''
''There'll be repercussions.''
''He's gonna curse us or something !''
''What if all the village gets sick because of him ?! What if he unleashes a snowstorm on us ?!''
''How were we supposed to see you as our son, monster ?''
''Just go back to the hellhole you're coming from and leave us alone !''
''You better have drowned in that pond with the brat !''
He nearly choked on his own sobs, tears flowing over his grimacing face. He was grimacing so hard it was hurting, but not as much as this pain piercing his chest. He kept on moving his foot forward, using each of the mean things told to him during the past almost four years to forge his resolve.
''He really likes you.''
Once more, Hiccup's voice tuned out the others. Jack's body tensed even as, all of the sudden, all he could hear anymore was the auburn-haired, freckled tamer's voice.
''There must be something special in you for the dragons to like you that much.''
''It's obvious Sharpshot adores you.''
''He wants to stay with you.''
Slowly, the voices of the other artists joined in. Valka, Snotlout, the twins…
''I've always dreamt of having my own knight in shining armor ! You're really my heroe !''
''It's really noble of you to have helped her despite of this.''
''Thanks, you're a good guy.''
''Y'have t'come with us !''
''Our circus will be there to welcome you. All you have to do is find us.''
''I really can't change your mind, can I ?''
Another sob forced its way in his throat, so hard he lost his balance. He managed to steady his feet and stepped back from the pond, clasping a hand on his mouth before dropping to his knees. His whole body trembled while his eyes turned into waterfalls. Wincing even more, he wailed like a kid, folding on himself, hugging and rocking himself, wrapping himself all around the blanket.
How much he wanted to accept Valka's offer and join the troupe, join Hiccup and his dragons, why not making friends among them, take Sharpshot with him and take care of him… How much he wanted this to be possible, but it wasn't. White the Cursed had managed to leave his village, though he suspected it was going to come back at him, but he couldn't join another one. Wherever he was going to go, his past and his curse would follow, and would hurt people around him. Hiccup and the others didn't deserve this.
Dying in that pond was the best option for him, for the village, for the circus, for everyone. Still he was scared. He didn't have the guts to do it. Not yet. In the middle of all his turmoil, he was remembering that sweet warmth he had found at the circus, with the dragon tamer and his marvelous winged friends. If Jack was sentenced to sink into frozen abysses, he first wanted to feel this sweet warmth. One last time.
''Sharpshot would be enchanted to see you tomorrow, you know.''
He wanted to see the small dragon again. At least one last time. He wanted to feel these warm scales under his fingers, this small but strong body pressed against his chest, this small horned head rubbing against his. He wanted to bask in the body warmth of Hiccup and Toothless, dive into the forest green eyes of the tamer's, compare his freckles to a nightsky full of stars, hear this funny and pleasant nasally laugh of his, and see that tender smile.
One last time. One last touch of warmth before the eternal cold. His death had waited three years, almost four, if could wait one more day, right ? And maybe, after feeling this warmth once more, its memory would be enough to give him the strength to go back and face his fate, to accept his death.