Chapter 12
Have to try

As promised, Valka came back to bring something to eat and some clothes. She didn't dare come too close to Jack, but still talked a few soothing words before leaving again. At first, Jack remained still, frozen, hesitant, still confused and unsure. He just stared at the soup bowl and the small pile of fabrics. He remained like this for hours it seemed, his mind still flooded with swirling thoughts, weighting the pros and cons, searching for arguments to fight his fears and give a chance to the circus.

When he had gathered enough strength, he shakily took the bowl and slowly sipped the soup. It was cold, but it didn't seem to be because he had hesitated for too long. Like the sack around his neck, it surely was to sooth his throat. Said sack was slowly warming up, getting so wet Jack knew he wouldn't be able to keep it for long. He still waited to finish his soup before pulling it off. Once it was removed, cold air brushed his sensitive, numb skin and made him shiver.

Ignoring it, he looked at the pile of fabrics. Unmoving again, he just stared at it, almost mindlessly. It took him several more minutes to just resolve himself to do something. He sighed and finally took the fabrics, unfolding it to check it.

There was a pair of dark-brown pants looking long and narrow – that could actually match his skinny legs – a thick light blue tunic with long sleeves and a thinner creamy one without sleeves. Both had a large collar, opened in the front and tied with a leather strap. Jack also found a pair of boots, but no cape. Looking closer to the tunics, he noticed there was no hood on it, and that fed up his fears. Even if it was obvious that at least Valka and Hiccup had seen his white hair, he didn't want to show it to the others. And he had to admit he had taken the habit to hide it in the past years. The hood was bringing him safety because it was shielding him from the stares.

After a sigh, Jack slipped on the pants, then remained standing in front of the two tunics. Nervousness was growing inside of him as he kept on staring, his arms slowly moving to hug himself. He didn't like the idea of putting either of them on. Neither seemed right. The blue one was too thick, he knew he would be sweating and suffocating in it. As to the beige one, the complete lack of sleeves along with the opened collar made him feel exposed, vulnerable. His thin arms squeezed harder around him, he frowned and hugged himself tighter. The best option for him was to keep the nightgown, try and tie it around his waist to shorten it and not look ridiculous, and wrap himself in a fur, using it as cape and hood.

It took so long for him to decide that, by the time he eventually popped his head outside of the cart, it was nighttime. The forest around was so dark it was impossible to see anything, but the camp was lit with the soft glow of fire. A nice smell of cooked vegetables filled his nostrils and drew a shy smile on his lips. He could also hear Gobber playing his rebec, and some chatting covering it up occasionnaly, especially Snotlout's pig-like laugh. The troupe was gathered around the fire, eating and having a good time, visibly.

Jack hesitated for a long time, unsure he actually could join them. He was feeling like an outsider, he was not part of this troupe, after all, it felt like interrupting them. He didn't belong there, with them. Still Jack slowly climbed down the cart. As his feet touched the ground, he realised it was not the ground. It was firm but still smooth enough to cave in under his weight, making him slip and sprawl on the hard – real – ground, tearing a surprised yelp from him which felt like burning daggers in his throat.

It sent him into another coughing fit, then he felt a warm snout nudge his head, sniffing him with a whine. Jack recognized Toothless, his big lime green eyes standing out from his dark body, before Sharpshot appeared in-between them, whining worriedly with equally-round-puppy eyes. Sprawled on his belly, a cold hand wrapped around his throbbing throat, Jack remained motionless, staring up at the two dragons. Oh, so it was Toothless he had stepped on. Looked like the dragon had been lying in front of the cart, like a gate-keeper. It made him smile to think the dragon had been watching over him.

Letting go of his throat, he stroked the black dragon, who purred and pressed against the cold palm, just before Sharpshot hissed at him in try to chase him and take his place. That's when Jack heard footsteps rush to him, the rebec gone silent as well as the chatting.

''You okay, Jack ?''

The boy started and didn't wait for Hiccup to come closer to pull the fur over him, hiding under it. He remained there, hidden, his heart pounding like a galloping horse, his hands sweaty. He listened to the steps coming closer, feeling the urge to run away, but he just couldn't. He was frozen. Paralyzed. His breathing was quickening now that he could feel Hiccup's warmth aura, seemingly crouching next to him. Jack's tension reached its climax as he felt a warm hand touch his back through the furs.

''Jack ?''

Ever so slowly, another warm hand slipped under the fur to take his arm, trying to help him stand. Jack followed until he was sitting, though he kept a hand on his head to make sure the fur remained there. He couldn't see but, that way, he couldn't be seen either. Even if Hiccup already knew about his strange hair color. Thinking about this made him tense again, wincing under the fur. At least, until a warm hand covered his own, on his head.

''It's okay, Jack. You don't have to show it if you don't want to, but can I at least see your face ? I just want to make sure you didn't get hurt by falling.''

The boy's heart skipped a beat hearing this. He just had the confirmation Hiccup knew for his hair, still it didn't seem to repel him. He even seemed to believe it was Jack not wanting to show it. The tamer's soft voice was still filled with kindness, just like his words. So Jack decided to listen and opened the fur, pulling it closer to his face, but still hiding his hair. He doubted even his nose was popping out. It didn't stop Hiccup, who bent his head to look at the opening. Jack started as he saw his face, and got surprised by the big smile under the freckles.

''There you are.'' Hiccup teased.

Jack felt the blood rush to his cheeks, he averted his eyes hoping the shade from the fur would hide him. Hiccup didn't say more and simply offered his hand. After a few seconds of hesitation, Jack took it and used it to get up. The auburnet's smile widened, turning into a teasing smirk.

''Look at you, you're still half in pajamas. The tunics don't suit you, then ?''

Still shaken and unsure, Jack couldn't manage an answer right away. His first reflex was to speak, but he reminded himself of Valka's warning, so he gestured instead. Holding tight on the fur with one hand, he used the other to trace a hood around his head.

''Oh, I see.''

Hiccup gave him a sheepish smile before turning his head towards the others. Jack tensed as he noticed Valka and the twins were close too, though they had visibly kept their distance compared to Hiccup.

''Astrid,'' He called out. ''Do you happen to have some hooded tunic ?''

The blonde put down her plate and got up before heading towards a tent, surely hers.

''I'll take a look.'' She said over her shoulder.

She quickly came back with not one, but two tunics in her hands. She almost ran but slowed down to stop in front of Jack, handing him the clothes with a smile that was softening her whole face.

''There. If you like it, you can keep it. It's yours.''

Jack's heart swelled with emotions and his eyes filled with tinglings. He needed a lot of strength and will to convince himself it was actually happening, and even more strength to simply extend his hand and take the clothes. His hand started to shake as his fingers closed over the fabric. Astrid gently took his hand, squeezing it and smiling. It took a few seconds, but Jack managed to return the smile, with a shy one, still it was enough to lit up her whole face, as well as Hiccup's next to them.

Astrid lifted her hand but quickly put it back down, she looked like she was holding herself from doing something, and this quick glance towards Jack's head told him it was ruffling his hair. He mentally thanked her for holding back. Not only because he was not fond of that gesture as it made him feel like a child, but mostly because he didn't want to expose his white hair. He was not ready. He had spend so much time hiding it because noone at the village could bare see it, or was looking at it too intently, as if he was a freak.

''We'll give you privacy so you can change, then.'' Astrid told him. ''Don't hesitate to join us afterwards, we'll save you some soup and stew.''

He nodded as a reply, before feeling Hiccup's warm hand softly tap his shoulder. He instantly met green eyes and found nothing but patience and kindness in it, which filled his chest with this soft warmth. Joy started to bubble inside of him, even if he was still reluctant to show it, held back by his uncertainties. Hiccup offered some help to climb back in the cart but Jack declined with a hand gesture, climbing by himself. He waited to hear the steps leave before putting the tunics on a box, next to the ones Valka had left.

The two looked alike. The first one was a greyish blue, a bit dull, with narrow long sleeves, though the shoulders seemed wide. The second one was bigger but shorter, a more colorful blue, and there was a big pocket on the front. Jack checked the clothes' size, it was clear both had been made for the blonde young woman, for her slim but muscular silhouette, so he wondered if these tunics would really fit him.

Putting his hand on the second tunic, he marvelled at how soft it was. A small smile crawled on his lips as he dropped the fur and reached for the aim of his nightgown. Before taking it off, he felt the urge the make sure noone could see him. He had always been self-conscious of his lithe form and, since the pond, he had lost even more weight, not even mentioning his pale-as-death skin and these veins that could be seen through in some places. Jack had been avoiding his reflection at all cost since then, he didn't want to see what he had become and certainly didn't want anyone else to.

After making sure he was all alone, he pulled off his nightgown, a chill running down his spine, then he took the bluer tunic to put it on. Once the fabric touched his cold skin, he felt a nice warmth wrapping around him. The tunic was covering him from belt to neck and was wide enough to not squeeze him – confirming he was thinner than the blonde knife-thrower – but most of all the fabric was soft. He was feeling like he was in a cocoon and wanted to snuggle in it. Pulling the hood over his head, the warmth tickled his neck, ears and cheeks, making him grin.

Burying his hands in the front pocket, he snuggled his nose in the collar and took a moment just to enjoy it. It felt like the tunic was hugging and petting him, and it really was a nice feeling.

Scratching sounds caught his attention, like claws on the wood, making him turn his head towards the exit, only to find Sharpshot climbing in and looking at him expectantly. At first, Jack didn't move, just staring at him, then the small dragon came closer, zigzaging until he was standing at his feet. Golden eyes looked intently into the pool of icy blue, and the boy ended up smiling as he realised what the dragon wanted. So he crouched and Sharpshot shook his tail excitedly before rising on his hinder legs. Jack took him under the armpit and lifted him, holding him close to his chest and stroking his back. The dragon warbled and snuggled against him, before sniffing his tunic and rubbing his head against it. Looked like Jack was not the only one to think this tunic was nicely soft. He smiled even more and hugged the dragon closer before exiting the cart.

Toothless was still there but had moved to the side, out of the way, his ears popped up as he heard the boy and he quickly stood with a playful glee. He bounced in front of Jack before rushing to the campfire, not without looking above his shoulder to make sure the boy was following. Jack did follow him, though his steps were hesitant and kept on slowing down as he neared the group by the fire.

''There he is !'' Dagur exclaimed, opening his arms wide with a giant grin splitting his face in two.

All the others turned towards him, making Jack stop dead in his tracks, skrinking on himself. Still, he relaxed as he noticed nothing but smiles on their faces. Snotlout and the twins beamed, looking expectantly at him. Astrid, Valka, Heather and Gobber had softer smiles, the reassuring kind. Mala, Eret and Fishlegs seemed more hesitant, as if they weren't sure Jack was really joining them. As to Hiccup, he gave him an encouraging nod, stretching a hand towards him.

Toothless nudged Jack in the shoulder, visibly trying to make him move closer. The ebony dragon cooed and bounced until he reached his tamer, dropping next him and asking for some petting, though the auburnet's green eyes didn't left the hooded boy. Jack swallowed thickly and took a deep breath in, tightening his arms around Sharpshot, then he took a step. Then another one. He found more and more easy to walk towards them, his fears and anxiety seemed to alleviate slowly.

He ended up sitting between Hiccup and Valka, the former smiling warmly at him, the latter offering a pint of fresh water along with a bowl of soup while Sharpshot left his knees to lay instead against his feet.

''Here, my boy.'' Valka said, ''it's important for you to drink. However, in the next days, you'll have to stick to soups and mash, you can't eat anything that would sollicit your jaw and throat, okay ?''

The boy was astunned by her speech rate, still he nodded as thanks as he took the food and drink. He slowly sipped the water while observing around them, realising once more they were in a clearing, but the shape of the trees didn't look like the forest around his village, neither was the sea smell in the air. As the others were resuming their conversation, he turned to Valka and pointed the trees around, trying to convey his question. It took merely a few seconds for the ringmistress to understand.

''You want to know where we are ?''

Jack nodded to confirm.

''Yeah, I suppose you must be confused to be here with us.''

Actually, Jack suspected Hiccup and the dragons had saved him from the improvised hanging and had brough him to their camp. Since the troupe was already preparing to leave, they must have brought him along. What the boy really wanted to know was about the village, what had happened with chief Nigel and the hunters, with those who used to be his parents, how they had accepted Hiccup leaving with him and most of all, most of all, if the village was to pursue them or not.

''Hiccup told us everything,'' Valka explained, ''including what the villagers tried to do to you.''

Jack started and tensed, then slowly looked at the auburnet next to him, who was drinking his pint and glaring at the flames, as if he could set it on fire. The tamer's attention was caught back to them as he heard his mother call his name, he almost instantly met Jack's questioning look.

''Can you tell Jack what happened ?'' Valka prompted.

Hiccup suddenly looked uneasy, but Jack tried to use his look to tell him how much he needed to know. The auburnet rubbed his nape as he explained.

''I… I couldn't let them kill you. What they said about you… I didn't really get it but it was horrible, and I know you didn't deserve what they tried to do to you. No one does. Still I guessed they wouldn't just let you go so I… I had to come up with something. I used the Zippleback gas as a cover, it formed a thick fog which has blinded them long enough for me to untie you. Toothless took you to the camp while I stayed to make sure they were going to leave you alone.''

Jack couldn't imagine how he would have succeeded in convince them, and Hiccup's guilty look didn't seem a good omen, especially as the tamer lowered his head, unable to look at him in the eye.

''I told them you were dead. Well, gone. I told them your ghost had past on the other side. They didn't insist and left, they seemed satisfied with this.'' He sighed and hunched even more, squinting his eyes shut. ''I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do, it was this or just let them… I know I shouldn't have intervened without your approval and make decisions for you. You could have wanted to stay or at least say goodbye or…''

As he was starting to ramble in an almost messy and nervous way, Jack couldn't bring himself to know what to think about all of this. Hiccup had saved his life, though the tamer didn't seem proud of it, even guilty as he had taken him from his home. Even though it had been a long time it was no longer home for the boy. They had spent too much time shuning him for it to be home anymore, nor his clan. They had cut their ties themselve, a long time ago.

So he only thought about making Hiccup feel better, and show him he wasn't holding a grudge. Actually, he was thankful for what the tamer had done. Not only had he saved him whereas everyone else, himself included, wanted him dead, but the auburnet had also managed to finally tear him from the village, from this shuning cold cornering him. So Jack scooted closer and placed a cold hand over Hiccup's warm one, which stopped the rambling and earned him a stunned, confused look. Jack was not looking directly at him, but from the corner of his eye, he could see Hiccup gaping. It looked like the tamer wanted to say something, but when someone spoke, it was Snotlout.

''Will you stop sayin' such bullshit, Hiccup ? What were you s'pposed t'do ? Let 'em kill 'im ? Y'did the right thin' and n'one shall say otherwise, or else I'll beat 'em.''

''Aw,'' Eret teased, ''look at this big teddy bear defending his friends.''

''Shut it, son of Eret, or else I beat you.''

''Don't take it like this, Snotface.'' Dagur giggled, ''we already knew you're just an overgrown softie.''

''Say that again ?!''

When the short-tempered dark-haired guy stood from his log, clenching a fist to the red-head, Valka quickly intervened, trying to quiet them.

''Okay, calm down, now.''

Jack smirked at that before focusing back on his neighbor, who was still looking down. The boy squeezed Hiccup's hand to catch his attention, until he met forest green eyes. Then he mouthed a 'thank you'. Hiccup hesitated for a bit, then he smiled back. Jack let go of him to pick up his spoon and start eating. He tried to focus on his food so he could swallow without triggering pain in his throat, still he could feel Hiccup's stare on him. Silence surrounded the both of them while the others were still talking, joking and laughing. The twins, Dagur and Eret were making fun on Snotlout's soft side and calling him a protective big brother. Jack was only half listening, and got distracted as Hiccup spoke again, low enough so just the two of them could hear.

''Jack, you don't have to answer if you don't want to or if you're not ready yet, but… I'd like to know. Why did they go after you like this ?''

Even though his eyes were only filled with concern, Jack couldn't bring himself to answer that. Just like the tamer had said himself, he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to talk about the accident, to relive the tragedy that had led to his sister's death, to his own death somehow, and he was even less ready to reveal what he had become, what the villagers thought he was. He lowered his head and shook it no, squinting his eyes so he would keep them shut, his hands squeezing his bowl as he was shutting himself from his surroundings. He still felt a bit better as a warm hand landed on his shoulder.

''It's okay,'' Hiccup assured, ''I won't push you. I'll wait for you to be ready to tell me.''

Jack relaxed and opened his eyes, though he kept them on his soup, noticing the beverage was covered with a thin layer of frost. He tried to ignore it and focused on the conversation still going on in front of him. He held from chuckling as he noticed the shade of Snotlout's cheeks and ears, embarrassed and angered but the snickers from Dagur. Mala seemed to have smoldered the red-head a bit because he was now sitting, the both of them holding hands, she was leaning against his arm while talking quietly to Fishlegs.

As to the twins, they were struggling and slapping one another for some reason, and noone seemed ready to stop them, so Jack assumed it was happening on regular basis.

''Don't worry,'' Snotlout said. ''You'll be way bett'r w'out these morons from your village. We'll make sure of it.''

Jack gave him a faint smile, moved but just as reluctant.

''Sure,'' Dagur snickered. ''Now you have big bro Snotface to look after you.''

The twins stopped their hand fight and suddenly looked offended. ''Hey ! Why would he be Jackie's big bro ? Why not me ?''

''Come on Tuff,'' the stocky guy grunted. ''You're an awful brother. If Ruff was on fire, you'd watch her burn.''

''Yeah, true.'' The blond smiled as if he was marveling at the idea.

Ruffnut scoffed and punched him square in the face, only making him laugh, then she turned a pleading look to Jack. ''You'd put out the flames, you, right ?''

Jack nodded quickly, obviously, he was horrified by the idea of someone getting on fire. Ruffnut beamed at that and pushed her brother's face before getting up and skirting the fire so she could reach the hooded boy.

''That's it, I'm changing my brother ! From now on, Jackie Jack's gonna be my brother !''

She dropped herself next to him, pushing Hiccup out of the way, and wrapped an arm around Jack's shoulders, who winced hearing this nickname the twins seemed fond of. Jack really disliked being called Jackie, it sounded like he was either a small child, either a girl, even the two actually. 'Jackie' sounded like a little girl's name. Plus Jack was already a nickname, short for Jackson, so he didn't need another one. Ruffnut was completely oblivious of that and hugged him sideway, almost as if he was a stuffed animal. Tuffnut grunted and quickly joined them, catching Jack by the shoulders so he could tear him from his sister and keep the boy to himself.

''No way, he'll be my brother !''

''Mine !''

''No, mine !''

Jack found himself shaken up, passing from the hands of a twin to the other, torn between shock and confusion.

''Easy, guys.'' Heather chuckled. ''You can share, can't you ?''

The twins suddenly froze, both still holding Jack. The boy eyed Heather, silently asking for help, but that only seemed to amuse her. He felt even badder, especially as the twins resumed their fight. Despite being shaken, he ended up noticing something. Ruffnut and Tuffnut were holding him firmly and pulling him towards each of them, but they were only holding his shoulders and arms and were keeping their hands away from his hood, not touching it nore his neck. This realisation killed his urge to get out of there, and he ended up playing along, leaving them be while a shy smile crept on his face.

Looking around them, he met Sharphot's sunny eyes, sitting in front of him and tilting his head in confusion and curiosity. Then he met Hicup's eyes, the young man seemed to have conflicting thoughts. He looked entertained and worried at the same time. Jack ended up giving him a bigger smile, efficiently pulling the tamer out of his reverie since he got up and came to this rescue, putting a hand on each twin's shoulder.

''Calm down, guys. We're supposed to go easy on him, remember ?''

It was way more efficient to stop the twins than Dagur and Snotlout's teasing nore Heather's try to calm them down, and it proved Jack how attentive they were of him and his wounds.

The rest of the meal went on with this jolly and energic ambiance, though it was slowly getting quieter as the troupe was getting tired, until they decided to call it a day. Since only two tents had been mounted, most of the beds got sprawled on the ground around the campfire. Eret and Astrid disappeared in one tent, Valka in the other. Jack found himself laying between the twins, the three of them squeezed in the same 'bed'. Tuffnut clung on his back and pressed his head against the thin shoulder-blades while Ruffnut held Jack's head against her shoulder, as if it was a plush, keeping his hood in place.

Jack was surrounded by their body warmth, along with Sharpshot's who had decided to find a place between the boy's calves. While everyone was falling asleep around him, some snoring echoing in the night, he remained awake a bit longer. Because he already had had plenty of rest during the day, but also because he was thoughtful about the recent events.

He had left his village. He was finally free from the cold and paranoia haunting him for three years, and he was sure the villagers were not going after him to claim his head.

Hiccup had heard them talking about a demon but he didn't seem to have taken it seriously, didn't seem to believe it.

The circus was welcoming him as promised, and Snotlout and the twins especially seemed to like him – he suspected it was because he had convinced Valka to keep them instead of kicking them out.

But if he was perfectly honest, he had to admit he liked them too. Snotlout and his soft side burried deep under this mountain of muscles and grumpiness. The twins and their clinginess and funny weirdness. Valka and her kindness. Hiccup and his sooth words, smile and warmth. The amazing dragons who accepted him as he was.

He didn't know yet the other members of the troupe, but they seemed quite welcoming too. Astrid was nice.

The day before, he had attempted to end his days to go back to the cold calling for him since he had gotten out of the pond. He had wanted to die, by drowning again or letting the villagers hang him. That's what he had wanted, but as Hiccup had saved him and brought him to the circus, as the other performers had brought him along on their journey, without any hesitation… Now that he was with them, and that he was basking in this sweet, sweet warmth, he found again himself not wanting to go.

It was more than comforting for his wounded heart, frozen by distance and fear. He had found a place where he felt good. Even if fear was still anchored deep inside of him, fed by his reluctance to share his story with them, the accident, what he had become though he had been supposed to die, and how the villagers had treated him since then… Even if he was still afraid of how they would take it, afraid of loosing them, he made a decision.

He closed his eyes with a small smile, promising he would give himself a chance to enjoy this. To give it a try.