A/N:
some of my fancy words have slipped through to these chapters (including this one), so i apologize for that. it's a habit to use them since it's part of my writing style, so not using them is weird.

"Oi." Bakugou's husky voice incinerated Todoroki's thoughts. "Why…do you still have that shitty look on your face?" He scrunched his brows down. "Throughout all of this, you still kept that same fucking face. I know those smirks meant nothing."

While the dubiousness that reverberated through Todoroki's body simmered down, he simply stared up at Bakugou from the floor. "It was pleasant in some aspects, but so what?" His frigid, lackadaisical eyes were merciless. "Do you think affection equates to love or happiness? No, it doesn't."

Bakugou flinched. "Fucking hell. Why are you so fucking cold?"

"I'm not," Todoroki muttered while Bakugou scowled. "I'm just saying things how they are. What's wrong with that?" He canted his head.

"You've changed, dammit…" Bakugou snarled under his breath. "What the hell happened to you? You used to look so anxious and paranoid. You were hella friendly at one point, even. Now…"

Todoroki overturned his arms to stare at the bandages concealing his wounds. "I don't think anything is really different about me. I've just gotten stronger." He offered a shrug.

"I don't even know who the fuck you are anymore." Bakugou's voice was a serrated dagger. "Oi… Are you saying all this to cope with the pain and suppress how you really feel?"

"No."

"Y'know, I won't lie: it makes me fucking sad to think that you don't seem to feel anything anymore."

"Don't be sad. It shouldn't matter to you, B—"

Bakugou slammed his hands into Todoroki's and pinned them back against the wall. "My feelings ain't yours," hissed the ash-blonde. "You don't get to tell me how to feel. It does fucking matter to me. Do you even realize how fucking much you changed in just a few months? Oi. If I died tomorrow, what would you think?"

"I don't know," Todoroki sighed. "I'd move on with my life. There's nothing I can do to change the fact that you're dead. I'm sorry, but I really don't think I'd care."

。。。

Sitting beneath the milky bath of moonlight streaming down from the sky, Todoroki pushed a smoky breath from his chest. He stared up at the obsidian sea tinged with blue and mottled with the various colors of the stars. His fickle mind flickered like an ember from thinking deeply to staring vacantly. His thoughts swung back and forth like the pendulum of a clock, but at the back of his mind was the cacophony of his memories.

I wish I was more blunt about how I really think sometimes, he realized while inhaling the chemicals of his fleeting reprieve again. I'm used to being used, and I'm used to keeping quiet about everything, but I'm not going to get anywhere if I keep my mouth shut. He slowly exhaled his warm breath into the night. I can't get what happened out of my head. We're not even in a relationship, yet…

Todoroki's eyes fell from the stars to the inky road in front of him. It's strange. I don't really feel the urge or desire to die like I used to, but at the same time, living is exhausting. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why do I keep choosing to live? I don't know. Whether I live or die… I don't think I care. If I live, I'll withstand the beatings, and I'll keep going without any real reason. If I die, I don't really mind. Yet, a part of me still wants to die. There's no point in living when I'm just going to die someday. Why put myself through so many beatings when it could all be over now? I wonder…

Standing up from the ground, Todoroki pinched the embers of his cigarette with his left hand until the orange spider webs were suffocated. He turned to head back inside, but the encroaching whirr of something familiar approached from the distance.

Try, his mind commanded him, and without a second thought, Todoroki began to walk towards the road. A gamble for life or death. Life is about taking risks, so I want to see what happens. Otherwise, everything feels the same. I want something different. Something different from emotions—instinctual rushes of adrenaline. Almost. Wait.

Streaks of a blinding, pale yellow light dove across the street, and as the vehicle producing that light began to near Todoroki, he prepared himself to jump. I feel so calm, but I also feel so shaky and uncertain from the peril and the unknown. Almost. Now. Now! Winding back to dive in front of the car rushing through the street, Todoroki lunged forwards, and as the culmination of adrenaline, panic, and desperation impregnated his mind, the wind whisked across his flesh. What…

Blinking rapidly, Todoroki vacantly stared at the vehicle that proceeded down the street as it passed him by. He slowly withdrew his hand that was extended towards the road, and with a sigh, he turned around to see Bakugou clasping onto his wrist and waist.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Bakugou murmured in a gruff sigh while motioning for Todoroki to follow him back inside. "C'mon. Let's talk about this."

"There's no point," Todoroki objected while following suit after Bakugou as he entered the house. "I w—" Todoroki interrupted himself with a brief coughing fit. "Sorry."

I'll never understand you, Todoroki thought while disposing of his cigarette. Well, I can, but not in every way. Love… That's a feeling I just can't understand. I wonder… He then sat across from Bakugou on the opposite couch.

Bakugou rolled his eyes. "Just sit beside me," he groaned.

Todoroki shook his head. "No thanks."

"Fuck you. So these are your real colors. Tch. If you can even put monochrome under 'colors,' that is."

This feels like a waste of time. "Why do you care if I sit next to you or not?"

"Are you really gonna make me say it after all of this?"

"This is a waste of time. Just say what you need to."

Bakugou stood up and slammed his hands against the coffee table. "Hey." Although his voice was husky and stern, it wasn't quite the debilitating tone that Todoroki detested. "Look me in the eyes." He waited for Todoroki to follow his request. "Did anything that happened between us mean anything to you?"

Todoroki was silent for a while. "I don't know, but frankly, it was disgusting." His eyes were like icy blades.

Bakugou's eyes widened while the refulgence of his mien died out like a flame. "Did you not want me to touch you? Todoroki, I'm not a fucking mind reader. I didn't know that. You didn't say anything. Your blunt ass didn't say a single thing to me. I told you to tell me if you were uncomfortable!" His digits trembled against the table.

"You did tell me. After the fact, though. Look, I'm not mad at you. I was drinking not too long before we met up. It is my fault. I admit it. I don't like affection, Bakugou. But…now that all of this has already happened, I want to see what being in a relationship is like. Would you mind being with me?"

Unfurling his fingers, Bakugou released a sigh. "And I thought I was a dick," he scoffed. "You're such a fucking asshole for this. But y'know what? Fine. I'm gonna make it my goal to get you to feel something. But we're gonna have to set some boundaries, 'kay? Obviously, you're not gonna say shit until it's too late, so I wanna avoid that. But you weren't even sober when you got here? Coulda had me fucking fooled, aside from the odor."

"I certainly wasn't sober, and who knows if I am now. But I guess we have that figured out. Regardless, remind me why you originally wanted to talk to me."

Shaking his head and running his hand through his hair, Bakugou murmured, "You tried to jump in front of a car. Why the hell was I there? I was watching you from the window for a minute or two after I went to look for you. Why'd you try and get hit?"

"I felt like it," nonchalantly replied Todoroki.

Bakugou's brows caved in like serrated daggers in quicksand. "You felt like trying to kill yourself?" he reiterated in an inquisitive growl.

"You could say that. I just wanted to try. I like the feeling of being in a life-or-death situation. Of being in some kind of danger. That's one of the few things I like, or that I can differentiate liking from the lump of 'everything else.' I—"

"Then how do you usually go about gettin' that feeling?"

Todoroki pondered his response for a moment. "I guess I can tell you. I still trust you." He met Bakugou's cerise, harrowed eyes. "Cutting. The desire to be in some kind of danger feels like it suddenly hit me and stayed with me. It's a recent thing. Maybe it developed as I tried new things to escape from reality. Anything but reality." He scratched at his healing wounds a bit.

"What sucks the most about reality?" Bakugou leaned forwards a bit onto his palm while his elbow pressed into his thigh.

"Good question. A lot."

A sigh trickled from Bakugou's lips. "I won't press it. But what about the cuts on your wrists? Who really made them?"

"Endeavor…for the most part."

Bakugou offered a long, heavy set of blinks. "Todoroki, that's so fucking dangerous as it is, and coupled with getting drunk? Tch. I really think you need to start some therapy or somethin' before it gets out of hand. But lemme get this straight… You want that feeling from being in danger so much that you'd willingly jump in front of a car for it?" He received a nod from Todoroki, and his expression was washed with a bit of paleness. "Did you even think about the trauma you were gonna put on the driver's shoulders? The damages that could've been done? Todoroki, you and that other person both could've died or been seriously injured."

"I didn't think about any of that," Todoroki admitted with the nonchalant shrug of his shoulders. "It wouldn't affect me if I died." His cold eyes met Bakugou's squinted stare.

"So you jumped with the intent of dying?"

"No, but I wouldn't have minded if I did."

"You…don't care about your life?"

"No."

"Do you want to die?"

"I used to."

"Tch. What about the lives of the people closest to you? Do you care about them?"

For a while, the room was drenched in silence. "Maybe." Todoroki sank into his thoughts as his brows furrowed. "Probably. Yeah, I guess. They do mean a lot to me." He nodded slowly.

If I give you more 'normal' answers, will you end this interrogation already? Todoroki sighed to himself. Endeavor made me want to sob and scream. I was in so much pain. Reality was nothing but torture. I wanted to die. I wanted to escape by any means necessary. But no matter what I did to escape, it was always temporary. Then, I realized something…

Bakugou patted the vacant space on the couch beside him. "C'mere, Todoroki," he muttered under his breath. "Show me you care." His scarlet eyes almost seemed to sigh.

Inclined to comply with Bakugou's request, Todoroki sat beside his classmate and slowly took Bakugou's hands into his. Then, lifting his knees onto the couch, Todoroki crossed Bakugou's wrists over the ash-blonde's hair and pinned him back. With his cold, alluring gaze, he stared down at Bakugou and lifted his chin with his knee as it pressed into Bakugou's chest.

I know he likes this kind of passionate affection, Todoroki thought while wrapping Bakugou's lips into his. I do have to admit that it's fascinating. I might not like it, but I want to experience it. I want something different. But no matter how different things become, I still feel indifferent. I have my own opinions, but… He twined their tongues together, but he still wasn't fond of the idea that he was swallowing someone else's saliva.

Once their lips split away, Todoroki released his grasp on Bakugou's wrists, and with that, Bakugou began to curl his arms around Todoroki. "Oi," the ash-blonde huffed while halting his movements. "Is it okay if I hug you?" He received a nod from Todoroki and pulled him into his chest. "You're shit at kissing. Oi, Todoroki. I'll be in a relationship with you, but on one condition: no more reckless, suicidal things like jumping in front of a fucking car, 'kay?"