Day 126

I visited Mom yesterday for the first time in a long time. I wanted to visit her after the sports festival, but I wasn't able to because of Endeavor. Mom seemed happy to see me. I thought I'd also be happy to see her again, but I wasn't. I felt the same. I didn't feel any different. I basically repeated myself.

Mom talked about how much I'd grown, how much she missed me and my siblings, and how much she regretted ever pouring the boiling water down my face. I told her it was okay, and to not let the past torment her. I know it's easier said than done, though. I faked a lot of my expressions and emotions since it's now a fairly natural habit I have, but moms really are incredible beings. Mom told me that I don't have to pretend to be someone that I'm not.

She asked for a hug, so I gave her one. She cried. I let her cry into my arms for a while. When she was done, she told me that I'd changed so much. I asked her if I was still human, and she said that of course I was. But I realized that seeing Mom cry no longer made me sad. I used to cry whenever she would because I felt horrible that such a wonderful woman would have to cry at all. All I see it as now is a waste of time and energy. There's nothing worth crying over, even though I understand why people cry.

Mom said that she would be able to leave the hospital in a matter of weeks. You'd think I'd be excited or happy. I'm just not. It feels like just another piece of news. Just another thing that happened to me today. There are other things to be done. I guess I really am different. The others shouldn't see that, though. The only person I've truly expressed my true self to is Katsuki. I guess Endeavor as well to some extent, but he's dead. I killed him. Am I even a hero anymore?

I slept at Katsuki's dorm last night. I want to know what it's like to fall in love with someone. I really do. I no longer dislike the fact that I'm in a relationship with a guy. It's fine. I don't mind. Affection is still something that I find to be a waste of time, but I guess it's pleasant sometimes. I also like Katsuki's scent. It's like burnt sugar. Though, I still don't like our kisses when our tongues are involved. Normal ones are fine.

A few days ago, I was absolutely wasted. Two drinks turned into seven. Katsuki stayed at my dorm and took care of me, but I don't really remember much. I do remember him saying I was a dumbass for getting wasted, though. When I was sober again, we sat down, and he asked me if I'd intentionally had a few drinks too many. I told him no, and he said that I scared the shit out of him because I'd apparently been so drunk that I lost my balance and hit my head on a chair. I apologized, but he asked me if I'd do it again if I had the chance. I said I probably would, so he made me promise not to have more than three drinks in one day.

It's almost humorous how all I wanted was to be immune to the pain, but now that I am, I keep trying to force myself to feel that same pain again, but I can't, so I keep destroying myself in one way or another, and that might as well be worse than the original pain I was feeling and wanted to dispose of because this new pain has deadly, physical side effects, whereas the other pain was entirely emotional pain. That was a long sentence.

He won't admit it, but Katsuki really does worry about me. I guess any normal person would be worried if their significant other had a habit of doing reckless things. But I just want to feel something again…