Hazy, harlequin threads of light began to permeate the inky mirage that Todoroki awakened to. Like a needle perforating his soul, the glistening ribbons danced in arcs; they dove into the flittering, midnight waters of Todoroki's mind before springing into the shimmering, endless horizon. Todoroki stared at the whirling hands of reality that stitched his world together, but he had nothing to say as he was slowly drawn up to his feet like a puppet prancing on a pair of strings. Blinking his leaden eyes open and closed, he felt the urge to lift his lowered head, but as his neck craned upwards like a machine, he found himself collapsing from the halcyon cocoon of his own naïveté.

Oh, Todoroki suddenly thought as his body plummeted into a heap on the ground; he felt no pain from the hefty collision. I killed myself. Is this the afterlife? It felt like I was a soul being ripped from reality and stitched back together like a creation just to be dropped back into reality again. He rose from the ground of his own volition, and almost immediately, he descried Yaoyorozu, who was studying at the desk in her dorm. She looks sad. There's…a shard of ice impaling her chest?

"I miss him," Yaoyorozu muttered under her breath while setting her pen down. "I still can't believe…he committed suicide. I wish I had been there for him more. Todoroki-kun… I wanted to confess my earnest feelings, but…you ended up with Bakugou before I could say a single thing." Tears began to march down her cheeks. "You became so distant and cold. I still don't know why you left like this so suddenly… It hurts. You were always so incredibly strong and independent, but then…you left us without warning. What were you going through? What did I miss? What…could I have done differently to change this? Todoroki-kun…I sincerely hope that your suffering is gone. I can't apologize enough for never realizing that you truly weren't okay. I can't forgive myself for that…"

Todoroki arched his brows at Yaoyorozu's maundering, but a gelid blade was quite literally plunged through his chest as he watched his friend grip a pair of scissors and drag the blades over her wrists. His eyes flicked between Yaoyorozu's crinkled expression and scarlet-tinged wrists, but the two points he sieved met once Yaoyorozu's tears fell upon her forearms.

"It's…so difficult to be strong when the strongest person I knew hit his breaking point," sighed Yaoyorozu through her teeth as she stared at the thin lacerations streaking across her wrists. "I still look at your seat in class as though you'll suddenly be present, attending class again. If only I had looked deeper into your eyes to see what was hurting you. I miss you, Todoroki-kun…"

As Todoroki placed his hand on Yaoyorozu's shoulder, he could feel the rush of the wind slithering through his chest. He felt like he was looking through a kaleidoscope of ice crystals as the floor was sundered like a pane of glass. Slipping into a blinding ravine of light, Todoroki closed his eyes, and once he pried them open again, he saw Midoriya sitting on his bed.

He also has a blade of ice going through his chest, Todoroki realized while approaching his friend. I still have one. Why? Oh. He's crying.

"I just can't smile through this," Midoriya whined in a cracked, hoarse whisper. "Every time I try to find the strength to get past this, I can't help but think I wasn't doing enough for him. He kept saying he was fine… Again and again and again… Why? The only person I ever knew would never do this to himself! But that's…not how it ended." He clutched at his chest as though endeavoring to tear out the ice that only Todoroki could see. "Kacchan won't answer his phone, but he keeps saying he's fine whenever I visit him. I don't want the same thing to happen twice. I can't take that… I put so much effort into pretending to be happy to stay strong for him, but he yelled at me for it.

"Todoroki-kun always had so many wounds. He always looked like he was hurt. Like, even though he never showed it, that he was breaking down and crying inside. Screaming silently with his eyes for help with something. I never got him to open up. I never got to break his walls. I never got to lift that mask of stoicism he always wore. All I ever knew…was the Todoroki-kun that said he was fine. No matter how hurt he was, he wouldn't tell me anything. What…did I do wrong? I tried so hard, Todoroki-kun… I-I did everything I could think of to t-try and help you. I talked to you…a-about getting help. You just kept saying that you didn't need it. It hurt me to see my friend shouldering s-so much pain all the time. It still does…"

I lied to them all until the very end about myself, Todoroki realized before his chest was struck with another bullet of ice. If I'm dead, why does this hurt so much? Damn. But unless Katsuki tells everyone the truth, only one person will have ever known my story. My entire life…I was living a lie. I chose that. I chose to always wear a facade to seem like I was okay. But I wasn't. Oh. I wrote in my notebook, though. What happened to that?

Midoriya hugged his knees to his chest and attempted to feign a smile. "I-I can't…" he whispered under his breath as his hands curled into fists. "But I… Heroes don't cry. I have to smile… No matter how fake it is…I have to. I n-need them to believe that I'm strong. It's okay… Everything will be okay…" A raspy sob escaped his lips. "All my friends will be okay… I'm okay… No matter h-how… How difficult the situation is, w-we can…get through it. We can get through it… R-Rest easy, Todoroki-kun…b-because we'll get through it. R-Right?" Anguish was painted across his wilted expression, but even so, he still mustered up a duplicitous grin.

With that, Todoroki 's world was ravaged by the resplendent tendrils of light as he plummeted through a saffron sea once again. Sinking down to the depths of the light, he grimaced from the fierce snaps of pain swishing through his chest. Once he shakily staggered up to his feet, he noticed his mother sobbing on her knees on the floor.

It hurts…so much, Todoroki realized as he hobbled up to his weeping mother. Forced into marriage, forced to produce children until a perfect one was created, forced to watch them all suffer under him… Her abusive husband hurt her and her kids… Her husband committed suicide, her only daughter died, and her youngest son whom she poured boiling water down the face of committed suicide. But she's…still here. Mom… Her too? The ice… Again… It hurts. It hurts. It hurts so much, and not because I'm watching my mother grieve...

Although his mother spoke no words, her visceral cries spoke of her rent soul. Her ragged gasps and wailing ululations seemed like knives piercing through Todoroki's psyche as her body was thrown forwards and backwards with her heaving chest. Rei wept with her tears that those she had lost would never feel, but even so, those tears pooled on the floor; never would they become an ocean, or even that of a small pond.

All that Todoroki could do was watch his own mother be torn apart by the hands of unrelenting grief. Yet, he felt not a twinge of emotion igniting inside of him from witnessing his mother sob, wail, and gasp on her knees as though attempting to perform a rite that would resurrect those that had been severed from not only her life, but the world in which she walked upon with or without other inhabitants. All Todoroki could feel was the physical pain savaging his body from the blades of ice that impaled his chest.

I…have emotions. Why can't I feel them? Let me cry for my mother… Not fake tears, but genuine ones. I can't. Mom, I'm sorry. I'm not, but I know I should feel sorry. So fucking sorry. So guilty. So abashed. So horrible. So sad. So…disgusted with myself. I don't understand. How can I still feel the same?

Todoroki watched as his mother curled her nails into the tatami mats on the floor and slammed the edges of her fists into them as her expression was peeled back by her attempt to suppress the traumatic pain festering within. He watched her sputter incohesive sentences to herself through her sobs. He watched her writhe in sorrow until she vomited on the floor, but even then, her tears and her cries did not cease so simply.

So this…is the reality of what my actions led to. But there are surely some rejoicing, right? What about that student that punched me in front of Katsuki? What is he doing?

Opening his arms as though spreading ashen wings of light, Todoroki embraced his mother and endeavored to wipe away her tears. The instant such an endeavor began, however, he gasped in splitting, cracking agony from yet another shard of ice being thrust through his chest. He grimaced, and with that, the interminable light devoured his soul into an ocean of darkness.

From the undulating shadows, a figure melted into existence. Inky tendrils crawled from the being's head to its feet as it materialized, and it was then that Todoroki recognized the figure standing before him. He stared at the back of the student he'd encountered on his way to U.A. with Bakugou, and standing before that student was a mirror in which Todoroki could view the man's face.

"You killed a man…and not with your looks. Haha… No, no. No… You killed the person you admired so very much. Hah… Haha… It's…too funny. He was pretty. So much prettier than you. So much stronger than you. So much better than you. But he was a 'beast of ice,' as they called him. Oh, a beast he certainly was… A 'villain in a Hero's costume.' All you heard were the rumors. The whispers. The filthy squeaks of those animals. You thought you knew all about him… Then… Haha… Hah… Oh, the cherry on top… He committed suicide.

"It's your fault. He was the way he was because of something he couldn't control. Something so horrible. Something that only a few people knew about him. He was abused for years. All he was doing was coping with the pain, and how did we all perceive that? Haha… He wanted to die, beneath it all. He was fighting trauma and depression. He only appeared to be emotionless. He likely wept to that boyfriend of his all the time when no one saw it. He was more human than all of us combined. There you… No. There I go again, trying to blame someone else for my problems. I'm the person I truly hate. It's my fault. Not yours… Mine."

The fist of the enigmatic man was wound back before it collided with the mirror with a shrill crack. As the solid slab was swiftly sundered by first the knuckles of the student, Todoroki crumbled to the floor. Shards of glass slashed the air, and on each shard of the person Todoroki had known for only an ephemeral moment in time, a word materialized in varying hues of cerise. Yet, Todoroki could read only one before his world and his vision was engulfed in shadow: Perfect.

A perfect reflection and an imperfect original, Todoroki thought as a ripple of gold streaked through the abyss he plummeted through. But even he wasn't happy. A person I encountered once. A person whose name I know not. Even he…didn't want me to die, despite what he told me. Why… Why? He felt as though his body had shattered like the mirror as his chest crashed into the ground. It's a pain...worse than the pain I felt before I died. Stop… Make it stop… Wait. Katsuki…

Incapacitated on the floor, Todoroki strained to lift his head to sieve the person that had bestowed him with the release of death. Then, a scalding insurgence of precipitous desperation flooded through his veins as he forced himself to crawl across the floor. He hissed and mewled with pain, but he was wholeheartedly cognizant that he could not reach his beloved in time.

Even if I'm simply lying to myself in the end, I want to genuinely be able to say that I care about the person that was always there for me. That sacrificed so much for me. That loved and cared about me. How…could I not care? What's wrong with me? Even if it's just a lie, I want to believe that I did care about that someone…

"R-Remember…when we were eating ice cream together, and…you got some on your nose?" Bakugou gasped as he put one foot atop the chair before him. "I thought…you looked s-so damn stupid. I kissed it off your nose…" He lifted his full weight onto the chair. "I can't…f-fucking do this. I wasn't good enough… Always… That's always how it fucking goes!" His vicious voice reverberated through the room. "I killed him. I killed my fucking boyfriend! Those assholes only care about him now that he's gone. They didn't do shit before! I… I can't live with this fucking guilt, th-this grief, this… Myself. I did the shittiest things…because I was afraid of facing the truth.

"I got away with no one ever knowing the truth but myself. But I…never killed someone that deserved to die. I even lied about his past. Now, they all think he was suppressing how he really felt. No… He wasn't fucking sad beneath that cold indifference. And I… I-I think…that's the saddest part of it all. That he was hurt so fucking much that he went beyond feeling sad, suppressing his feelings, and wanting to die. He didn't even want to die… I… How… HOW COULD I HAVE MADE HIM SUFFER MORE BY TRYING TO HELP HIM?! H-How?! In the end, I really was the one torturing him… From when I met him to when I got to know him, and until the very end, I… Goddammit. G-Goddammit…"

Katsuki, don't, Todoroki attempted to asseverate as the pain proliferating within him subjugated his body to stillness. Katsuki, please… The people I saw are just a fraction of how many people are suffering because I chose to end my life. Katsuki. It hurts so much… Katsuki, don't. Don't end it. Please don't end it. Katsuki, I want you to live. Please keep fighting. Please keep going. Please… Deep down, I still can't seem to care, but this is still what I want. I'll choose to believe that I care, no matter how fake the feeling is or how pathetic the idea in itself is. Live, Katsuki. Face the reality that I couldn't see. No. Katsuki, wait. Katsuki. Stop. No. Don't…

Bakugou slid his head through the loop of the noose he held between his trembling digits. "No one will ever know the truth of your story, Shouto… I…was fucking terrified. I-I read your notebook, and I took a few pages from it to be collected as evidence. But I shredded and burned the rest. I regret it. I fucking regret it! No one knows the truth about you, and no one ever will. All because I was so fucking weak and selfish! The person they think you are…is still just another lie. It's not fair to you… I'm so fucking sorry. And I… I'm so fucking sorry to everyone else…" He clenched his hands into fists around the noose before releasing his hold and dropping his arms.

"It's wrong… It's so wrong… Suicide is so fucking wrong… It's horrible. It's cruel. It's sad. It lasts. It hurts. It… It kills. If I found you dead in that noose, I would've followed you without a second fucking thought. Now that I'm here, I just fucking hope this chain doesn't continue… But it all started with your abuse. That piece of shit beat you until you couldn't feel the pain. What…the hell was his story? Doesn't matter anymore. Shouto, I'm fucking terrified. I can't bear to live with myself anymore, but I'm afraid to do this. To fail. To shatter the people that care. I… Goddammit… Why is this so fucking hard?! I'm going. I'm sorry, Shouto. I'm so fucking sorry…"

After wiping his ceaseless tears with the back of his hands, Bakugou swallowed his pride and his fears as his neck was swallowed up by the noose. He groaned and thrashed, but all Todoroki could do was watch the reality of his actions play out like another cruel movie.

I can't do anything to stop him. I'm right here. I'm reaching out. I'm…putting it all into trying to save him, but it's not enough. It never was. It never will be. No matter what I do, it's futile, but I keep trying. Is that what he felt? Katsuki… I'm sorry that I can't even weep over this with genuine emotion. If I'd never committed suicide…

"What were you going through? What did I miss? What…could I have done differently to change this?"

"I have to smile… No matter how fake it is…I have to. I n-need them to believe that I'm strong."

Her husband committed suicide, her only daughter died, and her youngest son whom she poured boiling water down the face of committed suicide.

"I'm the person I truly hate. It's my fault."

"I can't…f-fucking do this. I wasn't good enough… Always… That's always how it fucking goes!"

...none of this…would have been true. But I took that from them. Katsuki was right… I didn't kill myself. I didn't kill my pain. I didn't kill anyone but the people that I was surrounded by. I did kill myself, even if it was an assisted suicide or murder of sorts, but I'm still here. 'Myself' lives on, but with nothing but agony. It hurts…so much more than it did to live. Katsuki… He's gone. All I did was watch him suffer. Watch him walk to the noose. Watch him kill himself. I can't…even muster up any sympathy or empathy for this. Nothing… What's wrong with me?

As Bakugou's stilled, swaying corpse began to dissipate into nothing more than the essence of a memory, Todoroki capitulated to the silent cacophony of pain throbbing in the body he lacked. Huffing in a futile endeavor to mitigate the excruciating agony, he began to brood over his current pain in comparison to any of the pain from his beatings.

Then, through his fierce breaths and physical, inner turmoil, Todoroki began to hear the dull tramp of footsteps. He did not have the strength to shift his position, but he presumed that some otherworldly, divine being was approaching him. A flood of wonder was injected into his being, but those wonders were swiftly sundered.

"Shouto…" A voice that was painstakingly familiar ravaged Todoroki's veins as its propinquity seeped ever closer to him. "Shouto? Oi. Oi!"

All of this…because of one foolish thought. One foolish action. One foolish person. All I did…was hurt the people I tried to protect. All the things I thought were right…were just selfish. All because I chose to take my life. All because I refused to change or get help. All because…of me. Endeavor really was right to have abused something like me. I really did…leave them all—especially Katsuki—hanging.

The sonorous, husky voice ringing in Todoroki's ears seemed as if it had suddenly materialized in front of him. "Shouto, I'm so fucking sorry… I know damn well that I don't deserve a response, but…" Silence ensued for a transient moment.

The soft, silky, saccharine sensation of deft fingertips caressing Todoroki's right hand imbued Todoroki's soul with an ephemeral, magnificent surge of tranquility and relief. Yet, that serene grandeur was contorted into a burning, gelid pain that Todoroki could only describe as the sound of paper promptly being torn in two. Numb pain seared his chest before it began to thrash into a bleeding proliferation of abject agony. The blades of ice in his chest scraped against his wounds, clawing deeper into his flesh as they were perniciously purged from his being.

The wounds I left on everyone all come back to me.

Todoroki pried apart his lips to utter something—anything—to the being that stood before him.

It hurts like hell to feel the pain I gave, but…

He lifted his head, but all he could see was a glittering, glaucous field of serrated blades of ice impaling the person before him.

…the people that loved me feel the same pain, but so much worse.

Unable to see even the face of the person that he'd burdened with an augmented version of what once tortured him so, he faltered; his empty chest that bore the throbbing wounds of reality sank into the ground.

And that pain…grows stronger with each victim it claims in this chain of pain and suicide.

His consciousness began to rapidly flicker like a candle's flame being beaten in the wind.

All of this was preventable…but I chose to start it by ending it.

Within moments, all of Todoroki's senses had died out, but the pain he felt and bequeathed still remained.

and that is all. again, i just kind of threw this together on the spot and went with it, but i did try to show the gradual change in todoroki over time that led to the him that the story first prefaces. and i mean, this story was also what i decided to dump most of my unused poems into instead of making a book dedicated to poems.

if you're curious about my favorite poem from this book, i'd probably have to say Painting and Frozen River. i liked Painting for the metaphor and just how i constructed it, but i liked Frozen River for the fact that it's essentially my poem—it most strongly resembles me. all my other poems in here are either meh or just awful. another poem i was relatively fond of (but that isn't from this book) was Another Dream, which is featured in Facade.

which poem was your favorite? i'm curious.

also, at the end of chapter 34, i mentioned how a familiar memory resurfaced in bakugou's mind. i decided not to say what memory i was implying, but there is a right answer.

and i didn't intend to have this become such a todobaku book. i meant to have some notable todobaku things, but then i had ideas that would only work with some heavy todobaku stuff. so, i apologize for that. but i'd say it was a mistake that was worth it.

this book ended up being very important to me. i have a love-hate relationship with it (for example, i liked the stuff leading up to the ending, but i definitely don't think i wrote the ending itself very well), but so much of how i wrote todoroki is a reflection of myself. i feel like something's wrong with me for being the way that i am, but at the same time, it's just normal, and i don't think about it until i realize all these abnormal things that have stacked up over time. and then i think about it a lot. and then i move on and repeat the cycle.

anyway. thank you so much for reading, and i hope you have a wonderful rest of your day/night.