Chapter 14: The Soul Meets Becomes A Licenced Medical Physician
"Uh, what even this thing? It's, like, papery? And it's got these strange markings… They look kind of like BAD SQUIDS. NNNEEEEEUUURRRGH." ZINKO squealed as he opened the mailbox. Just getting down the front path to get the mail had taken him 2 hours, since he kept trying to walk on his elbows and open the door with his mouth. Kakyoin looked out the doorway, and shouted to ZINKO,
"Zuko, stop being so dramatic! We all know you're just faking; ZINKO is just a made up persona so you can get more attention! You couldnt get attention from Katara, so now youre trying to get it by being stupid! Stop it! There are better ways to get attention!" Kakyoin was exasperated. Zuko was being more obnoxious than ever, telling everyone he was ZINKO, and that the soul of Zuko is dead. On top of that, Katara was ecstatic, rushing around the house, reminding everyone that her new boyfriend, JET MURPHY, was moving in soon. Jotaro was in an awful mood, even by his standards. Kakyoin figured it was because Katara kept telling him how much of a better boyfriend JET MURPHY was going to be, better than he had ever been. Not to mention how Katara was now using Star Platinum every minute of the day, for everything from throwing cats, to plumbing, to planting trees. Jotaro missed his stand. How can I beat up the lion who killed my dear Papa? I don't have a stand any more! God, I have to get it back somehow…. But marrying her again and divorcing again is not an option… Maybe I'll talk to Kakyoin about it. He's super shady, always doing semi legal things. If anyone would know how to get my stand back, it would be him. And how did he know my tooth density the other day? Maybe I should steer clear of him….. I don't know. Without my beloved stando, nothing is certain in this cruel cruel world.
Aang was outside of the house, running laps around Ember Island, trying to 'cheer people up!'. Aang had come back to the house twice to 'fuel up!', which meant drinking dubious amounts of gatorade. The few times he had returned to the beach house, he had been covered in eggs and rotten vegetables. Aang had told them the island would take some getting used to and surely, in time, they wouldn't think of him as a '9 foot tall freak,' but a 'giantly savior!'. Kakyoin had his doubts.
Frankly, Kakyoin was sick of these buffoons. He was also physically ill, his self brewery syndrome was wreaking havoc on his liver, the rest of his body and his mental stability. Not that he was the most stable lad to begin with. Kakyoin's train of thot was brutally crushed and interrupted by ZINKO barging in the door, holding a wad of letters. Kakyoin sighed with rage, trying to anticipate the foolishness that was about to spout from ZINKOS annoying maw.
"There are SO MANY LETTERSSSS DCYCUVJ. LIKE SO MANY. Kakyoin, help me. I can't read." ZINKO whined pathetically. Kakyoin raged inwardly.
"Zuko! I know for a fact that you know how to read! Ever since I read all your elementary school report cards! The only thing you got a decent grade in was LA. So shut the frick up and READ THE DAMN LETTERS YOURSELF!" Kakyoin shouted.
ZINKO looked frustrated. Then he sighed.
"UGH! Fine, I'll read it. I'll read it out loud, so you and Jotaro and Katara can all hear it." Zuko cleared his throat and began to speak, loudly and clearly.
"Okay, taxes… your water bill... Electricity… whatever all that stuff is. Oooh! It's a real, personal letter!" Zuko flipped over one of the letters and narrowed his eyes, trying to see who it was from. Then he shrieked primally.
"It's a letter from Toph!" Everyone's ears perked up. They had all given up on Toph, assuming she was dead. Katara snatched the letter using Star Platinum.
"Give it here, Zuko! Don't even bother trying to read Toph's writing, she probably didn't even want you to see it! It's probably for my eyes only." She then crawled under the couch to read the letter. Kakyoin resentfully threw his encyclopedia across the room. It hit Zuko's last portrait of his mother, ripping the fragile paper. Kakyoin didn't care though.
"Katara, could you please read the letter out loud? It'll distract me from my drunkenness (induced by my self brewery syndrome), and it'll distract Jotaro from… whatever he's doing there in the corner. Jotaro, are you crying? You should stop, the Rats can smell tears a mile away, and I can't protect you, cause I'm drunk." Jotaro wailed with Aanguish.
"But if I don't have my stando, I won't be able to drive off JET MURPHY! I already know I'll hate him…. he's probably just a tool of the Man! Katara, why are you even letting him move in? You've never even mentioned this guy before!" Katara tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled a terrifying smile.
"JET MURPHY is such an amazing guy though...we met on Tiktok. Well, I saw his Tiktoks and just HAD to DM him and ask for his Snap! Then, like, he saw my pics on Insta! And, like, my AMAZING PERSONALITY just drew him in! We fall asleep on facetime together, like, EVERY NIGHT. Hear that, Jotaro? Don't be jelly, we could have never had as strong a bond as me and JET MURPHY. We're in love." Star Platinum began to do Tiktok dances, to express Katara's love for JET MURPHY. Jotaro began to sob even louder, seeing his stand defiled. Sighing, Kakyoin started to read the letter.
"Dear Sokka, Aang, Katara, Jotaro, Kakyoin, Joseph, Polnareff and Avdol.
I'm really sorry I had to depart with the swiftness of a thousand rats, without saying adios. You see, I received urgent news from powers that are beyond your understanding (except you, Sokka, lulz). I was sent three letters; the first inviting me to join the Avengers, now that I am such a powerful earthbending. How quaint! They BEGGED me to join them! Of course, I told them I would try to find time in my ever-growing schedule. Just as I thought I was getting a handle on my CRAZY life, I got yet another letter! This one was from Hogwarts (this quaint, cute little school in britain! You guys have probably never heard of it). They, just like the Avengers, BEGGED Me to come learn at their school. I told them I would consider it, but deep down I was certain that I already knew more than the teachers there.
Then, I got the most important letter of all! A letter, asking me to serve on the Galactic Senate! Such a huge honor! They said only I could do such an important job! So, naturally, I accepted. I'm so very sorry that I wasn't able to say goodbye to my little friends, you guys! I have SO appreciated how you guys have all come together to help me along my journey! Not that I needed you, but I do love every single one of you! Every single part of your flawed seves! I don't know when you're small little paths will cross with mine again, but when we do, you will see just how grateful I am for all you guys! All my old friends! Ta ta! Love you all!
Your favourite Earthbender,
Toph Beifong,
Galactic Senator
5x Winner of the Olympics
Earthbending Champion
Jedi Master
Headmaster of Hogwarts
Chairmen of the Board
President and CEO of Stark Industries
Matriarch of the Beifong Family (Cause I'm the only one left, hee hee) "
Kakyoin's voice quavered with jealousy, reading Toph's many titles and achievements. Grabbing a sheet of loose paper, he grabbed a bottle labeled 'Bug Blood' from his pocket, and took out a quill that looked like it was made of steel, rather then feather.
"How should I start the letter back to Toph… Maybe, 'You have lovely titles, Toph, for a Thief and a Liar?'" He was shaking with rage that Toph had more titles then he did. Just then, a second letter came flying through the window, hitting Kakyoin in the face. With shaky hands, he opened it. Reading in an angry whisper, he continued,
"Hey guys! Toph here, just lil' old me. Just a Galactic Senator! You guys probably don't even know, you're so backwater quaint! Anyways, I just realized I forgot a few of my titles! More than you losers have :)
Toph Beifong
Through the Air, She who Walks Unseen
Barrel-Rider
President of the United States
Smaug (Professional)
Priest (Unlicensed)
Liquor Dealer
Prison Guard
Nail Technician
Wife of Daaniel"
ZINKO let out an ear-piercing scream. Running up the stairs, a door slamming could be heard. Jotaro stopped sobbing for a few seconds, long enough to say,
"That letter makes me want to rob a convenience store… but only to stick it to the man (convenience stores are all just tools of the man)." Then he started quietly whispering to himself about how he would attack the lion who killed his dear Papa.
Kakyoin got to his feet off the bedraggled couch, nearly falling over onto Katara, and walked off towards the kitchen. Coming back, he had an entire orange in his mouth, but it was redder than an orange should be. Kakyoin picked up Toph's letter, taped it to the wall and drew a pentagram around it with eyebrow pencil. Taking the orange out of his mouth, he walked to the other end of the room and stared very hard at the letter taped to the wall. Katara instinctively got out of the way.
"Um, Kakyoin? What are you doing? That looks really bad for my aura, and oranges will make your skin break out. You should probably burn some incense and do a face mask."
Shooting finger guns at Katara (which made absolutely no sense in the context they were in), Kakyoin then somehow shot the orange out of a gun at Toph's cursed letter (which now had glowing red symbols floating in the air around it). The letter was blasted through the wall at about 600 km/h, never to be seen again by human eyes. Kakyoin wiped the orange juice onto Jotaro, who quietly just looked at him with defeat.
"Sorry, Jotaro, I had to do that. The invocation of banishment wouldn't have worked without it. Anyways, you wear all black, it's not like it'll stain." Kakyoin patted Jotaro on the head. Jotaro had now stopped crying about Star Platinum, but he was still staring at the air where it had been, slightly reaching out his hand. Kakyoin stood on the small coffee table, and announced:
"I've banished the letter, it'll be several continents away by now. The sheer uppity-ness in that letter probably would've killed us if it had stayed in the house." Stepping off the table (because he had finished his announcement), he lost his balance and fell over sideways with a noise like a bucket of nails being shaken.
"I realize that finding Robert should be our priority right now, but can we take a quick detour? My self-brewery syndrome is causing me to become drunk every single time I eat anything with bread or starch, and it's becoming an actual problem. Is there a hospital nearby, or a witch doctor?"
Katara's eyes lit up with freakish energy.
"OH. MY. GOD. Kakyoin, you absolutely have to go see my naturopathic doctor. She'll probably give you some natural tea, or plants or something, I don't know exactly what it is, but I always take whatever she gives me! She helped me through my divorce, and the death of my brother. You have no idea the havoc it wreaked on my immune system; I was sick for WEEKS." Katara whisper-shouted. Taking a sheet of paper out of her bag, she folded it into a horrifying origami face and passed it to Kakyoin.
"Is there going to be a severed finger in here? Because it'll take more than that to threaten me, Katara. Also, you weren't sick for weeks, you and Jotaro divorced, what, 4 days ago?"
Jotaro looked at the origami face with fear.
"No, it was only 3 days ago. Time passes awfully slowly… Just like it did when my dear Papa disowned my brothers. I was sad for years… I hope I'll meet with them again some day."
Kakyoin patted Jotaro on the head again, and balanced the peel from his orange on his head.
"Don't worry; I'm sure someone with as dense of teeth as yours is destined to be reunited with their family some day! And anyways, did you have a fourth brother whom you've repressed the memory of... Jay? You're always whispering about him, and about how he's the Blue Ninja? Something really traumatic must've happened with you and Jay, for you to forget him."
Jotaro shivered.
"I have no clue… But memory stirs… Like a faint outline, of perhaps, someone I once knew…. Perhaps… a brother! Yes! And his name… Jom? Jam? Jay! But I can't remember any more… this must be the work of the man." He adjusted his hat.
"Jotaro, I literally just told you all the information you are pretending to remember."
"What? Kakyoin, what are you talking about?"
Kakyoin shook his head. "Never mind. Anyways, Katara, I'll go see your naturopathic doctor. I'm sick of constantly getting drunk… You have no idea the suffering I go through."
Just then, Aang walked in the door, at his full height of nine feet. His eyes were wide with terror, but also somehow disgust. His hands were covered in blood. Jotaro jumped to his feet, prepared to have to fight Aang for his life, and the lives of Katara, Kakyoin, and Zuko. But he didn't have to. Aang said in a very low-pitched voice,
"There's some unpog bastard coming down the street! Also, JOTARO, you overly-aggressive bastard, this blood is mine, no one else's: I fell down, I was running so fast. No need to fear for your life. Not that you could beat me, anyways: I get Battle Royale's every time I play Fortnite. You couldn't beat me." Forgetting his fear briefly, Aang looked smugly around the room.
"Anyways, you NOOBS, where was I? Right, there's a guy coming down the street, he says he's coming to live with you, Katara? He's in a Lamborghini, I think it's fake though. I also think he's going to crash; he's a terrible driver. He says his name is JET MURPHY. He keeps screaming his name as he drives down the street."