Chapter 19: The Soul Meets Tony Stonk
"Wait a minute! That's not our house! That's a shrine to capitalism!"
These ancient, powerful, eldritch words could be heard a mile away. They were shouted, by Katara when she and her friends decided to check on their house being rebuilt. After waking in their campsite to a snowy, freezing cold morning, the Gaang decided to check on how the construction was going on their new home. Only to find that it was not a house that was being constructed. It was The Capitalism Temple!
"What is going on here? You are supposed to be building a house for us!" Katara yelled as if she'd been stabbed with a longsword.
"That's wack, ma'am." The 300 construction workers all looked at her with bright red eyes and spoke in unison, their voices rippling, like the waves crashing upon the rocks.
"What the hell did you think would happen? You and the kid with the hair curl come to us with no money and expect us to build you a new house? Besides, Veronica Lodge has bought every single business on Ember Island, she ordered us to build this Temple To Capitalism. So go away! You're on private property!"
With that, the Gaang was sent away, raging over their stolen property. They decided to take refuge in a cafe, where they would plan their next move.
The cafe was a brick building, with a chimney, that oozed smoke. Inside, the smell of coffee and pastries was in the air. Book shelves lined the wall. Before sitting down in a table in the corner, Kakyoin perused the bookshelves, looking for anything of interest. He stole a copy of the Da Vinci Code, and a copy of Twilight. He felt obligated to burn the books, and take their evil from the world.
Kakyoin, however, didn't find what he was really looking for, which was magik books. He wanted to further perfect his craft, but it seems he wouldn't that day. Kakyoin was sad about this; a single tear slid gracefully down his cheek, until he was distracted.
The immediate problem they ran into, predictably so, was JET MURPHY. The moment he rolled out of his sleeping bag onto the snow, he was a changed man. By the time they had arrived at the cafe, JET MURPHY had sexually harassed millions. It was awful. He was like a demon cheerleader who had mushrooms growing out of his face.
"JET MURPHY, this is ridiculous! How is it possible to sexually harass millions of people! The population of Ember Island is 3!" Kakyoin raged at the despicable JET MURPHY. JET MURPHY only laughed.
"Your such a wimp, Kakyoin. I can do that because I'm more of a man than you. I bet youre GAY!" JET MURPHY became more detestable every time he opened his mouth.
"What? But JET MURPHY! Why are you using that as an insult! You're literally into dudes
! It was pretty clear last night that you are in love with The Diamond Bro, or whatever you called him. So stop being so unpleasant and rude! Or else we will kick you!" Kakyoin could barely breathe because of how much he wanted to punch JET MURPHY in the face. But JET MURPHY wouldn't listen.
"Dude! Don't even mention the… th… D-Diamond Bro! We… We're just bros! Like me and my homie DANIEL! Besides, I'm into girls!" JET MURPHY stuttered.
Good grief, Jotaro thought, JET MURPHY is really pissing me off. And I don't know how to feel about recovering my memoriesweetre yhtooo….. Sorry, O self, I don't know what that weird 'sweetre yhtoo' was. But now that I know, my father didn't even try to get my brother back…. That is UNFORGIVABLE, like a long lake. I can't reconcile that with my angelic image of him… No doubt he'd disown my if I had said something like that out loud. But he's gone now... Am I even Jotaro anymore? It's just another name, given by my father, like Motaro. Yotaro, and Kotaro. I'm beginning to sympathize with Zuko's name dilemma. As long as I am Jotaro, I am truly my father's son…
Katara had had it with JET MURPHY. She wanted to take out her homemade brass knuckles and beat the crap out of JET MURPHY. He had sexually harassed her and millions of others that day. On top of that, her house was gone. And the ever crushing death of her beloved brother weighed on her mind and spirit. Everything gets ruined… Nothing is truly stable in this cold, cruel word. The only constant is suffering, pain, and death. God, maybe I should just kill everyone here, to save them from this awful suffering…. No, what am I thinking?! I could never do that….
"Um, Katrina?" Joseph said, staring at something behind Katara. "Why is Star Platinum acting so threatening? It's holding so many knives, Katara. SO many knives."
Jumping with shock and rage, Katara snatched the knives away from Star Platinum. Disappointment showed on it's purpley-blue face.
Drinking a cup of coffee across the table, Jotaro quietly sighed. Everyone immediately turned to look at him, because sighing, however quietly, is not a normal thing to do. He spoke resentfully:
"Good freaking grief. Can't I be disappointed about losing my stand?"
Katara looked away. I guess I could technically give it back… But I like having a stand! It's one of the few stable things in this cruel, cruel world!
Katara could feel herself screaming on the inside.
"GUYS! Can you all shut your ugly traps!? JET MURPHY you are driving me insane! My aura is dingy! On top of that, my crystals are GONE! AND MY INCENSE! MY ASTROLOGICAL CHARTS! MY TAROT CARDS! MY SAGE! MY DRIED HERB COLLECTION! MY WITCHCRAFT BOOKS! IT"S ALL GONE, AND NOW WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE!"
Steam oozed out of Katara's effervescent ears, which were attached to her beet red face. The Gaang knew that if Katara continued down this dark, twisted path, she would, without a doubt, become a dragon/Jeremy Renner, and unleash death and destruction, the likes of which mortals have never known. The Gaang sat in silence for approximately eight hours, not only to ponder the science behind dragons, but also kombucha. Finally, Kakyoin broke the silence.
"The source of what's happening right now is Veronica Lodge! It's not like she said she was sent by Robert or anything, so we should focus on her! Any ideas as to how we should deal with her?"
Zuko sniffed, trying to hold back tears. It was all to much for him.
"Good grief. I bet she would freakin die if we killed the lion that killed my father." Jotaro muttered darkly from under the brim of his new hat. The new hat was about twice the size of the straw hat, and was baby blue. Jotaro liked this. He could hide his pain and anguish under an even bigger hat. Aang pounded his fist on the table in opposition.
"NO! Being proactive is for NOOBS, my fellow gamers! And I won't go and help you defeat Veronica Lodge! I can't! I'm booked! I have shifts at the animal shelter scheduled for the next 7 years! I really have to connect with the community!" Aang huffed and puffed.
"Okay, so if no one is going to contribute any ideas, where are we going to live?" Kakyoin questioned, obviously frustrated. He looked around, but he only saw the blank face of Joseph, the snarky face of Aang, the pained and enraged face of Katara, the sad face of ZINKO and the hidden face of Jotaro. Then he looked at JET MURPHY, the man whom Kakyoin despised. Suddenly, JET MURPHY perked up.
"Wait wait wait. Hold up guys."
Kakyoin tried to remain calm. He chose his next words with care.
"Yes, what is it Jet?"
JET MURPHY furrowed his eyebrows, as if he was about to say something really serious and important.
"Veronica's like… a money girl, right?"
"What?"
"Like, a money girl. With bills!"
"...Jet, do you mean a rich girl?" Jotaro asked with disgust. Jet bobbed his permed head excitedly.
"Yeah, bro! A money girl, a Stonks girl! Cause I'm, like, an entrepreneur. I've got at least 3 followers on Tiktok, and I-"
Jotaro hid beneath his hat with annoyance. "Jet, what are you even trying to say?"
Patting the table gently, Jet intoned,
"Dude, Veronica is like, a money girl! I want moneys, and bills, but every time I tried to get it, my ex, Danielle (she was, like, a 10), would always get mad about 'crashing the stock market' and 'causing a massive economic depression' and crazy talk like that, man. She was crazy, like she was on her period ALL THE TIME. That's why I broke up with her."
Joseph began to dance around in freakish excitement.
"Hot damn! Boy, you've given me a fantabulous idea! Verona or whatever she said her name was is a business woman! If we can somehow crash the stock market using JOHN MORPHINE-" Joseph was rudely interrupted by his moody grandson.
"Shut up, old man! I swear to god, your half senile! Who the hell is Verona and JOHN MORPHINE?! But hearing you spew all that craziness gives me a great idea! Veronica is a business woman! If we can somehow crash the stock market using JET MURPHY, we can take her down!" Jotaro explained quickly.
While Joseph blinked in shock and barely controlled rage, the Gaang all clapped JOtaro on the back, saying how smart he was, and how he was the true intellectual leader of their group. While Katara gushed about how amazingly strong, handsome, dashing and smart Jotaro was, Kakyoin and Aang shook Jotaros hands, and promised they would be buddies forever. Jotaro truly believed he was deserving of all of this praise, while Joseph seethed with burning rage under the table.
The Gaang agreed that Jotaro's was a fantastic idea, so they marched JET MURPHY over to the STONKS office. Outside of the shiny, wall street street style building labeled 'STONK INDUSTRIES! STARTED AND OWNED BY THE ONE AND ONLY TONY STONK!', the Gaang gathered, like a stormcloud, ready to send JET MURPHY in to wreak havoc on the stonks.
"Go on, JET MURPHY!" Katara yelled encouragingly from 20 feet away (she didn't want to get too close). JET MURPHY smiled confidently, and walked straight through the glass doors, shattering them beyond repair.
"Whoa, dude, I just walked through, like, an invisible ice wall! But it's not cold!"
Stonks Scientists, at their Stonkputers rushed over to check if he was ok, but fell down in convulsions as soon as they got close. Jet swaggered in, and the Stonkputers began to beep alarms. The remaining Stonk Scientists began to panic.
"The economic decibel of tax is falling by a 40% curvature! No, 60%! Oh, God, the arbitrage is 7% too high to maintain the spendature account! What's happening?!" They frantically typed, but they couldn't stabilize the ICPF fractional distillation.
JET MURPHY sat down in the nearest chair, feet up.
"I must be getting, like, so many bills! Like ten moneys! I can buy more Adidas, and mayb I. Maybe I can even buy Jojo Briefs… The official ones, not those knock-offs like TYLER has. God damn TYLER. Then I can snap my homie Daniel, about my Jojo briefs an I."
Meanwhile, red alarm lights had gone off, as well as the fire alarm. The Stonk Scientists were now mostly curled on the floor.
"S-Someone call Tony Stonk…." One of them quietly cried.
JET MURPHY whirled around, hearing the bang in the corner like a gunshot. Standing there was a man in a metal suit, red and gold. The word STONKS was engraved on every possible surface of the suit. The man opened his freakish metal mouth, revealing rows upon rows of horrible metal teeth. Then he spoke.
"Who are you?! Why have you cruelly destroyed the stonks? My beautiful stonks! You've singlehandedly plunged the world into a massive economic depression, which won't be recovered from for years! WHO ARE YOU?!"
"I'm JET FREAKIN' MURPHY! You may have heard of me! I'm a famous soundcloud rapper!" JET MURPHY shouted with confidence and joy. Tony Stonk only looked at him with blank rage. Jet sighed. He was sick of not being recognized in public, as he knew he should be.
"Fine, fine! I'll freestyle a few bars, and you'll definitely recognize my distinct, cutting edge style! My inspirations include, Juice World, XXXTentacion and Drak." JET MURPHY now began to beatbox, as Tony Stonk looked on in fear.
"YO! JET MURPHY IN DA HOUSE!
MY DIAMOND BRO-
NO NO.
NO DIAMOND BRO
NOT FOR ME
HE'S WORTH LESS THEN A FLEA
OH GOD JOSUKE I'M SO SORRY-
LOL NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM"
Tony Stonk was incredibly confused.
"Wh-what?! Who?! I'm not recognizing your style…. You sound a bit like the karaoke artist JOHN MORPHINE, but I don't know-" JET kept on rapping.
"Yo Yo THE ONE AND ONLY JET THE MURPHY!
THE KING OF RAP
THE OTHER RAPPERS WANNA BE ME
BUT THEY CAN'T HAVE MY TIK TOK DEVOTEES
NOR CAN THEY MAKE AS GOOD THIRST TRAPS AS ME
THEY CANT HAVE MY GIRL DANIELLEEEE
AND MY BOY DANIEL- YEE YEE
YO
YALL WANNA KNOW HOW I STAY ON TOP
WELL YOU'LL NEVER KNOW: HINTS, I WON'T DROP
THE SKILL IS INNATE
SOME WOULD CALL IT FATE-"
Tony Stonk curled himself into a ball in the corner, then rolled menacingly towards Jet. The sound of metal suit on stone floor was awful.
"Listen, son. You've destroyed the livelihoods of millions of good tax-paying Muricans. I can't let you walk out of here alive!" Posing menacingly, Tony Stonk rolled forward, still in a ball. The feet and nose-piece of his suit began to glow: filled with a deadly energy. Canola powered nuclear blasts: it was something Tony Stonk thought was very good. The horrible light crescendoed; filling the room with a feeling of dread. Struggling to his feet, Tony Stonk prepared to unleash the destructive ray on the 16 year old boy.
"I don't know, man, seems kinda lame to me." Jet yawned, and strode over quickly to Tony, axe in hand.
KKKK-SHUUNKKKK!
Tony's head rolled away into the corner.
Standing over the corpse was JET MURPHY, now leaning on his bloody axe. The stonkputers were silent now, sensing the death of their leader. Blood trickled across the floor, red as poppies. A holy light shone down on Tony's body, illuminating his noble soul. Drifting upwards into the light was a golden mist, shaped oddly like his soul. Jet stood in awe.
"Is-is that the old man's soul?" His hand flashed out, the light reflecting his glass bottle. Jet now stood triumphantly, with Stonk Man's soul trapped.
"Well, I can probably sell this. Damn, I'll have so moneys!' I feel so inspired…. Inspired to compose a rap… I feel that this one will be better than any before! I'll tell it to my homies outside, tho." Looking down at Tony Stonk's corpse, Jet pushed it with a Yeezied foot. Slingling it over his shoulder, he walked out of the now-burning Stonk building into the sunlight.