Chapter 21: Jean-Pierre PAAPnareff

Katara threw up on the spot with joy, at the sight of her beloved brother. She ran over to hug him, but Sokka stopped her with his godly, angry stare.

"HEY! Don't touch me! You'll get god juice on you! It'll burn right through your flesh, and make you like Aang. Broken inside, so much until you are a gamer."

"But Sokka!" Katara was trying not to cry. "I-I missed you so much! I had given up on myself and everyone around me because now I know I can trust you and only you! You have n-no idea how hard it's been! I got back together with JET MURPHY, and it was awful! I couldn't trust anyone! But thank God your back! You are my true bestie!"

Sokka sighed, a smile crept onto his jesus-like face.

"Love yuh too sis! But I'm here on business, you guys ha-"

He was cut off by Jotaro Kujo.

"Sokka, I don't know why," Jotaro gushed solemnly, as he adjusted his hat with love, "but I now realize I feel a strange connection with you. Almost like we knew each other in a past life... Or we're brothers from another mother. Or perhaps the same mother. Perhaps the one and only Holy Kujo. Holly. I just feel that kind of real connection."

"What the fuck are you talking about." Sokka exclaimed his voice booming with anger.

Aang shlorped up to Sokka, eager to speak to the Messiah.

"Oh ma gurd, did the fits go hard in heaven my g? Did ya get many hoes? Did yuh get those battle royales, bruh?!" Aang asked, wide eyed.

Sokka began to weep softly.

"Aang, it's been so long since… I died. Since you lost your goddanm mind on the boiling rock. But I'm not mad. I'm above petty, blackout rage. I'm above getting blackout drunk on a friday night in November, stumbling through alleyways, the cold rain mixing with the tears on my face in the streets of New Jersey. Not having anywhere to go but the shelter; not knowing anybody. Wondering why I ever came to the supposed 'golden land of opportunity', America. After five stinking weeks on that boat over from Croatia, with everyone sick and the children wailing (including me), and the boat itself tossing and pitching in the waves. The lightning, lancing through the dark sky. The captain's screams as he jumps overboard to escape the Kraken, only to later realize it was only an octopus… the real monster was already on board. It had been since the beginning.

"Those cold nights on the ship that I lay awake, knowing something was horribly wrong, but I was helpless to do anything, given that I was just a poor 1800s street urchin. I thought about my short life for a long time, there on the boat, staring at the dank boards above my head. On a dark night 16 years before, my mother had given me my name, and that was all she could give me before she died. I was sent to the poorhouse at the age of 6, after my old uncle passed away; the black lung, he had. The pale specter of death was present in my life from a young age…. But that was nothing compared to what I saw on that boat. That damned boat. Just knowing that I could drop dead any moment and no one would care. My cold, lifeless body would be found in the morning, in the gutter. I'd be a John Doe. No one knows me, I don't matter. The world has passed me by, and I have nothing. No one. I'd be buried. No one at the funeral. Forgotten, never made a dent on nothing in this godforsaken world." Sokka ended with a aanguished scream. Then he straightened up as if nothing had happened, there in the dark cave.

"Uh…. Sokka? I get that you somehow turned into an 1800s orphan boy, like some Charles Dickens protagonist, but you don't even know what happened here! I'm Zuko again, not Zinko! Isn't that great?" Zuko grabbed Sokka's arm with joy.

"Ugh, well thank me you're through that garbage phase. That was worse then Katara's 'punk-rock' phase when she was two."

Sokka then looked around at his sister, his friends, Aang and Jotaro Kujo. For better or for worse, he was back.

"Well guys, I've got news. A lot, actually. I was chilling in heaven, when I ran into Polnareff and Avdol." Here Sokka glared hard at Aang, who was grinning sheepishly.

"Remember? You killed them. Anyways, Avdol is fine. He was managing a new animal shelter with Brandon Roberts and Mother Thereasa. He's bursting with j o y."

Kakyoin was perplexed with this new vault of information. He was happy for Avdol. But who the hell was this Brandon Roberts sicko?
"Who is ...Brandon Roberts? He sounds like a jackass." Kakyoin intoned. Sokka slammed his fist into the wall with happiness.

"JACKASS?! HOW CAN YOU CALL YOUR OWN ADOPTIVE CHILD SUCH A THING?!" Sokka shouted at Kakyoin with uncontrollable rage. Kakyoin nervously took a step back, stepping directly on Joseph's fingers (he was still curled on the ground, crying about Shiza).

"Sokka, I-I don't know what you mean! I never adopted a kid! I've always been told that it's immoral to do human experimentation, so I didn't bother. And I've got such a long criminal record, they wouldn't let me adopt a kid anyways…." he resentfully scuffed his foot on the ground, thinking of all the children he could have adopted by now, if he hadn't had Joseph Stalin as an employer for his first job at the age of 13. Damn it, he was the worst boss. Now I'm wanted in 56 different countries for war crimes! How was I supposed to know I shouldn't send people to the Gulag? I thought it was just like a cool place, like a terrarium, or somewhere where they keep fish, or somewhere in the tropics!

Sokka was not impressed.

"Are you telling me that not a single one of you saw the two orphans Avdol wanted you to adopt? There were two of them; Harry Potter and Brandon Roberts! I didn't see Harry in heaven, and Brandon wouldn't tell me how he died! I assumed it was just some accident! Did no one see him?"

Zuko stood up, silhouetted by the sunset, which was illuminating the cave and Aang's tiny disgusting bald-ass head.

"I, prince Zuko of the Fire Nation, son of Ozai and Ursa, rightful heir to the throne of the fire nation (not my annoying sister, what happened to her, anyways?) sent away who I now realize was in fact Brandon Roberts!"

Sokka's eyes almost popped out of their SOKKAts.

"What?!" he shouted with sadness, rage, and disbelief. "Why would you send him away? He's a 15 year old boy! Avdol left him in your care!"

"I don't know, I thought he was, like 35. And he was dressed in a really revolting way, and his shaggy bangs kept falling in his eyes, and then he would brush them away. I hate guys who do that, so I sent him off."

Aang gently poked Zuko in the eye, from his vantage point of 10 feet above them (his air-legs were as long as ever), and spoke quietly,

"But, Zuko of the Fire Nation, son of Ozai and Ursa, rightful heir to the throne of the fire nation, your hair does that as well!"

Zuko shrieked, loudly. He died indie. While listening to Tame Impala.

"Ohnygosh Zuko SHUTYOURGODDAMMAW! I can now see you guys cannot be trusted with any form of responsibility! Now I know how brandon Roberts died! HE WAS EATEN ALIVE BY THE UNEMPLOYED BECAUSE ZUKO TURNED HIM AWAY!" Sokka screamed. The untimely death of Brandon Rberts made him sad.

He looked at the people he had once known so well. They were ashamed. Sokka sighed. Good grief. Jotaro thought, nobody every said prince Zuko of the fire nation was a nice guy. I now have some respect for the guy, piece of shit that he is.

"Well, the only one who really liked Brandon was Avdol, and they are running an animal shelter together now, so I guess it worked out. And the Unemployed did get a good meal out of brandon, and Avdol always approved of charity work. So it's what Avdol would have wanted."

MEANWHILE IN HEAVEN

"No. That is not what I want, at all" said Mohammed Avdol sadly, with six puppies in his lap.

BACK ON EARTH

"As mad as I am at all of you, I'm still here to help you. I met Polnareff in heaven. We fought. I beat him to a pulp, to show that I'm strong. Then he respected me. Then we were besties. We hung out all the time. We may have even kissed once or twice. But it doesnt matter now. When I told him I was going back to earth to help you guys, he was mad. He damn pissed. So I told him I would take him with me. But, as you all remember, his body was destroyed by the minecraft zombies who took his life. So I took his soul, and found a creature worthy of hosting him. Here he is." Sokka gestured to the mouth of the cave. There was the most horrific sight that the Gaang had ever seen.

He was huge. (Bigger than Sokkas ass, which had gotten considerably phatter in heaven.) He was even bigger than the now deceased Appa. He had no fur, only wrinkled, huge, flaky flaps of skin. The skin was so flappy it hung over his eyes, like bangs. Anatomically speaking, he was built like a sky bison, but that's where the resemblance ended. No arrow, only flaps and flaps of skin.

The skin seemed to way him down, clinging to him, like his past sins. His eyes, as the Gaang had already seen, were completely hidden under his skin bangs. His mouth was a great, drooly hole, filled with sharp teeth. The teeth were huge. (Also, bigger than Sokkas phat ass.) He turned his massive, sightless head towards our protagonists, and they all took a step backwards. Now that he had turned, they could really smell him. An odour like rotting fish, dragged from the most stagnant pools, in the darkest caves. A distinct underton of cat pee really brought the whole scent together, as much as he had tried to hide it with Axe body spray.

Shifting his massive, clawed feet, he stirred up the dirt, all plants withering and dying at his touch. Screaming with disgust, he reared up, bellowing out to the land,

"OUI, OUI! I'M BACK, HON HON HON, FROM LE HEAVEN! DID YOU MISS ME?"

Sokka strode up and put a gentle hand on Polnareff's disgusting flappy face, if you could even call it a face. No one else made a move; they all just cowered in the back of the cave, happy 'Polnareff' couldn't get in.

"That monstrosity isn't Polnareff!" cried Joseph. "I refuse to accept it! The man I knew was a weird french guy who wore a tube top! That thing, whatever it is, is disgusting!"

Polnareff looked hurt, or as much hurt as his oozy, sweaty flap face could express.

"But… Sokka told me I looked handsome like this!"

"No, Polnareff! You will always look great to me!"

"I simply don't give a damn, Sokka! I want find love! How can I do that when I look like this?! Jean-Pierre Polnareff is known as a good-looking, fashionable man! How can I be seen like this?! I wish you'd just left me in heaven…"

Joseph spat at the ground in front of Polnareff's feet.

"Well, you're right about that! Polnareff was known as a good-looking, fashionable man, and you sure aren't that!"

Aang crawled a little ways out of the cave, gazing with horror at Polnareff.

"You remind me of Appa…. Is it ok if I call you Paap? Like, Appa reversed? The monks always taught me to name people that way whenever they're reincarnated as a horrible slug-bison-rat thing."

Polnareff/Paap wasn't pleased.

"That's not an honorable name. Not at all. I can go by Jean-Pierre Paapnareff, though, so I'll still be like my old self, but not to close…"

Aang grinned happily.

"We'll call you PAAP!"

Paap hung his head. Bits of dead skin drifted off him, but they were somehow greasy. His sickly-looking pale flesh glinted in the light of the sunset.

I wish I had never sold Appa…. Though Jotaro to himself regretfully, as he adjusted his hat.