Chapter 23: At Jay's Hole in the Ground

Our lovely protagonists ducked to avoid hitting their heads on the round door frame to Jay's house. Or rather, Jay's hole in the ground. After realizing that him and Jotaro were in fact brothers, Jay had apologetically invited them to his home, which turned out to be a little hole not 20 feet away from where they had landed. After unlocking the many many locks on the door (to keep intruders out), they all entered into a lovely little hole in the ground. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the end of worms and an oozy smell. Not a dry, bare, sandy hole, with nothing to sit down on or to eat. This was ?Jay's House?.

And that means absolutely nothing. Jay's house had not a damn thing in it. There was only emptiness… like Jay's soul.

"Jay! Your house is a disgrace!" Katara whined.

Jay blushed and brushed his shaggy, matted bangs away from his small, desperate animalistic eyes. It was clear he only had human eyes for Katara.

"Well, golly gee, Katara! Maybe it would be better if I had me a wife about the house! To cook and clean!" Jay laughed.

"Oh, Jay! I simply adore traditional men!" Katara batted her eyelashes.

Good grief, Jotaro adjusted his hat, knocking Jay to the ground with its power. What a disappointment my brother is… I'd hoped he'd be cool, but he's not. And from the way things are going, it looks like we might just get another JET MURPHY. Katara has terrible taste… Except for me, of course. My dear Papa always said that one should avoid men whose names start with J… That was after he realized he'd named both me and Jay names that started with a 'J'.

Kakyoin slammed his fist down on the table.

"Jay, don't even bother hitting on Katara. Every guy she's dated either ends up getting ditched by us, or he winds up with no stand." He then looked at Katara. "And Katara, don't make the mistake you made with JET MURPHY and get with Jay. He's blatantly sexist."

Katara stuck her tongue out.

"You're just jealous, Kakyoin! I bet you're secretly in love with me, like everyone here except Joseph and Sokka, because that would be creepy."

Kakyoin flipped the table over with rage, crushing Aang beneath it.

"Katara, I swear to God. I'm going to commit so many crimes if you get with Jay."

"Whoa whoa whoa, little man!" Jay stood up, glaring at Kakyoin. "If you've got a problem with me and my soon-to-be wife Katara, want to take this outside?!" he asked, cracking his knuckles.

Kakyoin sighed.

"Jay, normally I wouldn't do this, because I pride myself in being very civil, and not having to physically fight because I can just psyche people out emotionally, or use magic to beat them, or poison them, or send them to the gulag, or hit them with a station wagon, or hire their great-uncle to place a glass jar full of mustard gas outside the front door of their summer house, or call the police on them and make up a charge. But because I've got a couple demons I should use before their expiry date, I will accept your offer of a fight. A duel, if you will. I know I literally just met you, but Katara is my bestie, and I would sooner kill you then see you date her. She's been hurt by guys whose names start with J twice to many times." He whispered in Jay's ear, standing up from his chair.

Katara put a hand over her mouth.

"Oh my god, are you guys gonna fight over me? Jotaro, you should fight too, and also probably take off your shirt. So should you Jay, and I guess Kakyoin can too."

Jotaro shook his head.

"I'm not gonna fight my long lost brother, Katara, even though he's a terrible disappointment. I have to talk with him about our childhood, and all that we've missed! Maybe he'll get less boring."

Kakyoin nodded his head, agreeing with Jotaro.

"I'd hate to see your relationship with your brother torn apart, Jotaro. No need to involve yourself," he said with a smile. Turning to Katara, he continued, "I'm not going to take off my shirt, though. You'd see all my tattoos, plus the eldritch runes I've got carved into my skin. Not sure who carved them, it sure wasn't me. They just showed up one day. Probably someone who wanted revenge, I've got a lot of enemies, including the FBI, the CIA, and Thor."

Jay looked impressed. "Wow, that's a lot of enemies." Patting Jotaro on the shoulder, he smiled, and whispered, "No worries, Broski. We have to discuss our Papa later, and me beating you up would really put a damper on it."

Zuko curled into a ball on the floor, where he felt safe. He was happy for Jotaro, but he was also seething with envy. Zuko felt that he would kill to have a chance like Jotaro's; a chance to fix his relationship with Azula. Jotaro doesn't realize how lucky he is. Getting a second chance with your sibling is rare! I hope he will be able to put aside his pettiness and general stupidity and get a good relationship with Jay. I wish I could do that with Azula… I, Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation, Son of Ozai and Ursa, rightful air to the Throne, should go claim the throne, with my newfound confidence in my identity. I'm sure Azula will take that well…

Kakyoin and Jay strutted out the door as menacingly as possible, Jay making a sort of quiet yodelling to intimidate Kakyoin. The rest of the group followed curiously, eager to see the potential bloodshed. Aang crawled from underneath the table and started running, so that he would get 'front row seats' (as he said) to the 'imminent murder of Jay' (again, his words, not mine).

As soon as they all got outdoors, it was obvious that something was wrong. There was a strong wind, as there had been when Veronica Lodge had shown up, and there was no one in sight, not even the unemployed. The previously gray buildings were now decorated exclusively in plaid, and gray beanie hats were strewn around, like carcasses after a great battle.

Kakyoin shivered. This isn't normal… Something horrible is going to happen. I've heard stories of the terrible being who's coming is foreshadowed by scattered beanies… None survive, supposedly. Come to think of it, if none survive, how have the stories gotten around? That makes no sense… I guess-

I'M WEIRD.

A terrible voice boomed through the streets, full of angst and drama. Our lovely protagonists were knocked off their feet by the force of it, as the air around them began to ripple with quirkiness. Kakyoin looked around, beginning to panic. He wasn't the only one panicking; Aang was frantically gaming to calm his nerves, Jay was hyperventilating while practicing spinjitzu, and everyone else was simply frozen in place.

I DON'T FIT IN, AND I DON'T WANT TO FIT IN.

The voice came again, sounding closer this time, and even more edgy than before.

"That voice sounded so quirky and different!" Katara said to the others, while looking around for the source of the voice. "Wow, they sound like such an interesting person. They sound hot, maybe I should talk to them about tarot cards-"

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME WITHOUT THIS STUPID HAT ON? THAT'S WEIRD.

With that final sentence, the source of the noise finally strutted around the corner. His quirky and edgy shoes scuffed the damp pavement, making an awful noise like a very indie rat. His shirt rippled dramatically in the wind, the 'S' on it filling our protagonists with fear and dread. The gusts of wind nearly tore his very different and weird hat off, with it's little brim-spike thingies. Standing and looking at the Gaang was the horror of horrors, the edgiest, quirkiest possible lad, Jughead Jones.

Everyone panicked and began to scream. The edginess of Jughead was simply too much for them. Jughead was absolutely terrified as well; he could sense the blood on all of their respective hands. He opened his terrible, quirky mouth again, and spoke:

IF YOU GUYS WOULD LIKE, EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO WRITE MY BOOK, THEN INVESTIGATE A MURDER, THEN BE HOMELESS, THEN GO TO AN EXPENSIVE SCHOOL, THEN FAKE MY OWN DEATH. WITH MY GORL, BETTY CRUNCHER.

Katara walked up to him confidently, much to the surprise of everyone else. She was the only one brave enough to move: everyone else was afraid they would get quirky and different if they so much as breathed.

"Who are you?! You look kind of edgy, which is attractive, but you aren't that tall, which is disappointing. But I can make an exception. What's your zodiac sign?"

"KATARA!" Zuko whispered loudly from the rock he was hiding under. "Don't talk to him, he's clearly sent by Robert to kill us! Unless he can help me reclaim the throne of the fire nation, we should just get rid of him now!"

Katara fell to the ground dramatically.

"Oh no, I've fallen and I can't get up, because Zuko is so god damn dumb! Mysterious boy who looks like a grown adult, please rescue me…"

"KATARA!" Zuko whispered, even louder now. "Now is not the time to hit on him! Just attack him with your waterbending, or Star Platinum, or whatever you're using these days!"

Katara lifted her head from the dusty ground, and glared at Zuko.

"Zuko, this is none of your business! You aren't even eligible to me; your name doesn't start with 'J'."

Sadly for Katara, Jughead was not taking the bait. He had now sat down in the street and was writing his very edgy book. He periodically sighed dramatically, and then went back to writing.

Jay looked around at his compatriots, noting that Kakyoin was distracted, and thus vulnerable to attack. No, I'll get him later. Anyways, once Operation Pompous Turd Biscuit happens, I'll be able to dispose of anyone I like, quickly and quietly. That way, the Final Plan can go smoothly.

"Why isn't he attacking us?" Jay whispered to his compatriots. "He's just sitting on his phat ass, writing."

Our protagonists looked at each other, wanting someone else to take decisive action, since they were all pathetic cowards. Even Katara was reluctant to do anything.

Jughead looked up sassily at our protagonists. He sighed and blinked back tears.

"Yeah yeah… I get it. You guys don't even want to talk to me… or look at me. But I get it. Who would ever want to talk to me? Kid like me… from the wrong side of the tracks. I'm just… too different. I'm weird. I don't fit it. I don't want to fit in. It helps me write my book. I'm homeless too. No one wants me around. Not even my alcoholic dad. My life is so hard-" Jughead was cut off by God.

"Oh my god, shut up!" Sokka exclaimed. Sokka was mad. He'd had enough. He was so mad he began to sing. The emotional buildup of what happened with him and Aang, his sister, Jay, Polnareff and his continued insecurity about Jotaro Kujo potentially having a phattter ass than him burst out of his mouth and diaphragm.

"I Dislike Jughead

By Sokka of the Water Tribe"

He sang tragically. Everyone turned to look at him, instinctively knowing that he was gonna drop a masterpiece of music. Even Aang paused his game.

"Life stretches on

Like a highway

There be the bad

There be the good

But nowadays

It's all BAD"

Jughead looked at him, appreciating the art. A single tear slid down his cheek, and his heart grew three sizes that day. Which was not good for his congenital heart disease; he could be killed by a random sneeze.

Kakyoin sneezed.

Jughead saw his life flash before his eyes. But he was OK. Whew! Jughead thought edgily, another one of those would have finished me off.

"My life is one phat shakespearean tragedy

Thanks to this boy

Tis boy

This boyyyyy yuh

Curtains of death hang over me

And this boy

This boy

Please go die

It will give me peace"

The crowd went silent in awe. 4 people died on the spot, it was so beautiful. But Sokka wasn't done. Swaggering violently up to Jughead, he continued to sing,

"Listen here Juggy boi,

You look kinda lame

You'll never gain

Any writer fame

You're hat is so bad

I want to rip it off your head

Cause it makes me so mad."

Sokka's sweet singing filled the air, brutally forcing everyone to feel hopeful and happy. Jughead did not like this at all: he bounced to his feet, and began to sing back at Sokka. But his singing had a gravelly, edgy tone. Also, it was terrible. If you want reference for how bad it was, just look up the infamous riverdale musical episodes, and assuming you actually survive the viewing, you'll have gained said terrible knowledge.

Jughead grabbed his nearby electric guitar, and shoving the whole thing into his mouth, his very being now twanged with electricity. He slithered up to Sokka, who was now standing totally still with horror, and began to sing in response.

It's not my fault I'm so edgy

I was raised in a hedge, E

My girlfriends name is Bed E

Oh god, it's Jet Murphy

My Archie-Enemy

I'm dying because he's the polar opposite of me

Byeeeeee"

With that Jughead sadly passed away, as JET MURPHY strutted in, saying,

"Hi guys".