Chapter four

It's been ten days since her break down. Yet she doesn't feel any better. Natasha closes herself off more and more from the family. From Clint. She doesn't talk to him anymore about what's haunting her mind. She goes outside to be alone every chance she gets. Her sleep is light and plagued by bad dreams. Sometimes Clint would crawl into bed with her just to calm her down. Sometimes she wakes up when he does. Those are the only moments where she's openly vulnerable with him.

Clint already talked to the kids about Natasha living with them. They seemed okay with it but it was also another reminder that their mom would never come home. Resulting in three kids dealing with their grief their own way. Cooper locked himself in his room, not willing to talk to anyone just yet. Lila would sit silently on the couch, sometimes silent tears fell down her cheeks and she'd reach out to Natasha to hold her. Natasha never hesitated. Nathaniel clung to his father, never letting him get out of sight. Getting him to bed was a nightmare for a few days. But, thankfully, after a lot of TLC, 6 days later the kids seemed to be doing better.

But that was also the moment Natasha's behaviour changed again. And Clint doesn't like it one bit. He's worried. He can see how much she's still beating herself up over this. Today something snaps inside of him. She just prepared dinner for the five of them before she announces that she's going outside for a walk before they sit down to eat. As the front door closes, Clint sighs.

'I'll be right back, okay?' he says to Lila who's doing her homework at the kitchen table. She just hums and continues her work. He gives her a quick kiss on top of her head, grabs his jacket and follows Natasha outside.

He sees her walk over to the fence at the edge of his property. She climbs on it and sits, staring at the ground. He slowly walks over to her and does the same. Without words they sit next to each other.

'I see her in my dreams', Natasha says eventually. Clint just turns his head to look at her. 'She tells me to take care of you. Of the kids…', her voice trails off. Her eyes are still fixated on the ground below her. Clint gets off the fence and stands in front of her between her legs. He puts his hands on her arms and rubs them gently. It causes Natasha to look up at him. They're brimming with unshed tears. Again. 'I miss her', her voice breaks and a couple of tears slide down her cheeks. Her admission has Clint close to tears as well. Suddenly missing his wife.

'Me too', he says softly before pulling Natasha close to him. She hugs him back without a second of hesitation. They don't cry. Words are not necessary. They understand each other.

'You can't keep doing this, Nat', Clint says as he pulls out of the embrace after a few minutes. She's still sitting on the fence. He takes her face in his hands and wipes away the tear tracks with his thumbs. 'Please, don't keep walking out on me? Talk to me?'

'I'm just so confused, Clint', she murmurs as she shakes her head, 'the dreams are so real'.

'What has you so confused?' He waits for an answer that doesn't come. He can see her bite her lip, something she only does when something shakes her to her core and makes her unsure of herself. He knows he shouldn't push but this is driving him crazy.

'I have to know, Tash. I'm going crazy every time you walk out of that door. Everytime I think you walk out on us. The guilt weighing too heavy on you to stay. How am I going to live with that, huh? Without you? How am I going to tell the kids?', he moves away from her and starts pacing. Suddenly his frustration is taking the upperhand. 'I deserve more than what you're telling me. We're in this together, remember?'

Natasha is taken back by his harsh tone and she doesn't know how to respond. So she does what she always does. She gets off the fence and starts to walk away.

'No! Don't', he runs up to her, takes her by her hand and turns her around, 'we're going to have this conversation right here, right now. I'm not letting you walk away'.

'Just leave it, Clint', now she's getting mad at him, 'I don't want to talk about it'. He can see the desperation in her green eyes. And she can see the anger in his blue ones.

'You can't walk out on me every time things get hard', he pushes her.

'Watch me', she hisses, pulls her hand from his grasp and turns around to walk back towards the house. Clint sighs and runs a hand across his face.

'She loved you, you know', he says. That makes Natasha stop walking. Her tears return again and she drops her chin to her chest. 'Laura saw how much the kids love you. How you love them in return. Her biggest wish for you was that you'd find happiness. To find someone who you could have a happy life with'. His words hit home. Because that's what she hears in her dreams. She turns around and looks him straight in the eye.

'She tells me to find that happiness with you', her words are calm. And out of everything he thought he would hear, this was not one of them. He just stands there with his mouth open a little, shocked at what she just revealed. She looks at him for another moment before she walks back towards the house. Clint can do nothing but watch her as she walks away.