Chapter six
They walk downstairs wordlessly. After they had stared at each other for a few seconds, she went with him without a struggle. Knowing this was a conversation she was not getting out of. Clint already turned off most of the lights downstairs except for the ones in the living room. It makes the room look even more cozy than it usually is.
Natasha grabs a blanket from the back of the couch and walks over to a chair in the corner. Wrapping the blanket around herself before she curls up in the chair. Clint watches her moving around before he takes a seat on the couch. Neither of them know what to say. Clint just looks at Natasha who is staring into space.
'Tasha?' he calls for her softly to get her attention. She looks up at him, her green eyes full of fear. It makes him move towards her, kneeling in front of her. He lays a hand on her knee and waits for her to say something.
'I don't know how to do this', she whispers eventually.
'Neither do I but we have to start somewhere. This isn't something that can be left unspoken', he rubs his thumb across her knee.
'I know', Natasha moves her hand from under her blanket and lays her hand on top of his.
'I have thought about it, you know? You and me…', he trails off. He looks up at her with uncertainty in his eyes. 'Even before everything happened. Years ago. But never too long because of Laura, because of our family'. She doesn't say anything.
'Haven't you?' Natasha just nods. 'Say something?' he whispers.
'What do you want me to say?' she replies.
'Anything. What are you feeling? Thinking?'
'Mostly scared. Confused', the grip on his hand gets tighter as she speaks, 'I was thinking about how happy you make me. From the moment you spared my life'. He smiles at the memory. 'You're the most important person in my life, Clint. I can't lose you'.
'Never gonna happen, Nat'.
'It will if I fuck this up', she looks so scared at this moment. Something he has never seen.
'Hey', he lays one of his hands on her cheek, 'you'll never lose me'. The determination in his eyes is too much for her. She stands up and walks to the other side of the room, hands running through her hair.
'Damn it, Clint', she sighs and covers her face with her hands. Her emotions are too much for her to deal with. Clint moves to sit on the chair she just left.
'Natasha, come on', he says exasperated, 'tell me what has you so upset'.
'It's too much!', she yells at him, 'I don't know how to do this. Because every time I think about you and me together I feel like the other woman. If I picture us together, memories flood my mind, screaming how love is weakness. That it'll only make you vulnerable. Do you have any idea how confusing it is when your mind is fighting everything you feel?'
'Natasha…', Clint stands up to walk over to her but she holds up her hands.
'Please, let me say this', her eyes lock with his and he can see them fill with tears, 'I love you. Probably longer than I am willing to admit to myself. And you make me feel so safe. You're the only one who ever cared about me. The only one who accepted me for who I am without wanting to change me. And it scares the shit out of me. Because I will never be enough', she finishes dropping her hands to her sides. It hurts him deeply to hear and see her self doubt.
'And what if', he stands close to her, 'what if I love you just the way you are?' She has no reply for that so she takes a deep breath and her shoulders slump. It's his que to wrap his arms around her. She leans in willingly, hiding her face against his neck. Wrapping her arms around his waist. He nuzzles her hair with his nose and breaths her in. He listens to her breathing. It's shaky and a little fast. Every now and then he can feel a warm tear slide down his neck. They stay wrapped up in each other. One of his hands never stops rubbing soothing patterns on her back, the other stroking her hair softly.
'How about', he starts after a few minutes, his hands moving to her shoulders to move her out of their embrace, 'we take things one day at a time? Promise me one thing?' She looks at him, arms still around his waist, his still around her shoulders. 'Don't run. Be honest with me?'
'I promise', she whispers. And then there's a moment. Where they both stop breathing. Where their eyes lock without blinking once. And suddenly he's leaning in and stops millimeters from her lips, waiting for her to close the gap. With a moment of hesitation she does and presses her lips against his. They both close their eyes and they can't help but think how right this feels. She always thought that once they crossed the line that there would be an explosion of passion. Reality is there's just them. Just a gentle yet heartfelt kiss, filled with love and promise. It only lasts a few seconds before she pulls back. She looks him straight in the eye and sees nothing but love. A soft smile she has never seen before plastered on his face.
'We'll figure it out like we always do, Nat', Clint comforts her. He kisses her forehead before letting her go. He smiles at her and after a moment he walks out of the room and up the stairs. Leaving her alone with her thoughts.