Chapter twelve

'I'm good', Natasha says after a few minutes of silence. 'Sorry about that'.

'No need to be', he kisses her forehead gently and brushes her tears from her face.

'I don't know what came over me', she looks embarrassed. He strokes her naked side softly.

'Does it matter?'

'Not exactly what I thought would happen after what we just did', she tries to joke a little. Clint just smiles at her.

'We always did work well together', he jokes back a little.

'We really do', she replies before kissing him again. Even though they just finished having sex it soon turns heated again.

'Want to take this to the shower?' Clint asks huskily. Natasha nods and both get up to go to the shower for round two.

An hour later Natasha comes down the stairs and walks over to Clint who was already in the kitchen. She hugs him from behind and presses her lips between his bare shoulders.

'Hi there', he says softly before turning around in her arms. He wraps his arms around her small frame and hugs her close.

'This is nice', she whispers against his chest. He kisses her wet hair and hums.

'Tasha?'

'Yeah', she looks up at him and sees uncertainty in his eyes.

'Want to talk about what happened earlier?' For a second he can sense her walls going back up but soon she relaxes and nods.

'Come on', he takes her hand in his and walks outside. Natasha notices the picnic blanket with the dinner they were planning on eating at the lake on the grass under the large tree. Clint sits down and pads his leg, gesturing for Natasha to lay her head down on them.

'Just you and me remember', he says softly. Natasha looks up at him and smiles.

'I know'.

'You want to know what I think happened?' he asks her.

'What?'

'I think you cried because you could finally relax enough for your body to release some of the tension', she looks away, knowing he's probably right.

'I really haven't been doing it right, have I?'

'There's no right or wrong, Nat', he tries to reassure her. She only sighs.

'I always thought that my loneliest days were far behind me. That it ended after I got out of the Red Room. But I couldn't have been more wrong', she looks up at him with no emotion in her eyes. 'After we killed Thanos and we could do nothing to bring the stones back, everybody left, one by one. I could handle that as long as Steve was there. But eventually he gave up, too', now her eyes turn sad. 'I was left all by myself. Steve came around less and less, I didn't know where you were. My only contact with the people we know were by a hologram. I lost myself in bringing everybody back', she takes a few calming breaths.

'I'm so sorry', Clint whispers, suddenly feeling guilty for leaving her all alone.

'I know you are', she cups his cheek with her hand. He leans into it.

'I should have been there for you. I always knew you needed me', he says softly as he plays with her hair.

'You had your own battle to fight. I understand'.

'Did you never just want to give up?' He watches her as she's starting to get emotional.

'I did a couple of times', her voice catches a little, 'it got really bad once, about three years after Thanos'. He can tell the next bit is hard for her to talk about. 'I… one day I woke up and simply couldn't move. Couldn't find the will and energy to get out of bed. I only got out to get water or go to the bathroom. After two days Steve came over and found me', the tears that have been building up finally spill over, 'as soon as he was sitting next to me on my bed I completely lost it. I was so hysterically crying I ended up having a really bad panic attack. Worse than any I've ever had', her hand subconsciously went to her chest, 'Steve could do nothing but sit with me. I couldn't stand him touching me. I started throwing up at one point, the stress simply too much. He sat with me on the bathroom floor for hours. He stayed for over a week because I couldn't do anything. My whole body and mind just shut down'.

'Sit up', he helps her get up and pulls her in his arms. Natasha just cries softly. Clint is furious with himself. Hearing the woman he loves cry against his neck, knowing how much pain she endured, is enough to bring him to tears as well.

'I'm so, so sorry, Tasha', he cries softly. They stay in each other's arms. Clint feels the guilt from not being there for her. Natasha's reliving the worst moments of the past five years.

'We both need to heal, Clint', Natasha says after her tears slow down. She moves out of his arms and takes his face in her hands.

'Yeah, we do', he answers softly. Natasha wipes his cheeks dry with her thumbs before leaning in and kissing him.

'I need you to know I could never be angry with you, Clint', she whispers.

'I promise I'll never leave you alone again', he whispers back, 'can you promise me something, too?'

'What?'

'That we'll do it together? No more dealing with things alone?'

'I promise', Natasha says before pushing him down on the blanket and lies down next to him. Her head pillowed on his shoulder.