Chapter fifteen

The last two days Natasha's been living in a bubble. A bubble filled with love, kisses, sex and cuddles. She can't remember a time in her life where she ever thought this would be something she desired. But now that it's here, she doesn't want to be without it anymore. Ever. The last two days were pretty uneventful. The house has been filled with laughter and happiness. But a person can never run from their sadness and grief for too long.

Natasha felt it the moment she woke up. Her dreams were filled with faces she will forever miss. Filled with loneliness and memories. When she shot up straight after another bad dream, she felt sad. Not just sad because of the dreams. But a sadness that originated from deep within her.

She looks at the clock beside Clint's bed. Six in the morning. Clint still looks deeply asleep, completely dead to the world. She noticed in the last few days that, as they slept beside each other, he slept deeper and longer than he usually does. Just like this morning.

As silently as possible she gets out of bed. Softly closing the bedroom door before heading downstairs. The sun's already starting to rise outside so she doesn't have to turn on any lights. For a moment she just stands in the middle of the living room, not sure what to do with herself. As she does, memories flood her mind. Memories of first meeting Clint's family, the talks she had with Laura while sharing a bottle of wine, the first times she met Cooper, Lila and Nathaniel. Somehow for the first time, Natasha realises that those moments will be forever gone.

She sits down in the corner of the couch and makes herself as small as possible. Eventually tears spill over and slide down her cheeks. She cries because she misses how things used to be. She misses Laura. Misses the days where it would be just them and they would talk about everything and anything. She misses Tony and his craziness. And maybe most of all she misses Steve. The Steve she used to know. He was her one constant in the last few years. He was always there. He would always pick up the phone. He would sit with her as she cried because she was so lost. So alone. For almost five years, Steve was her Clint. Her… everything. And just when she thought almost everyone came out unharmed, he went back in the time machine and it literally took five seconds for the Steve she knew and loved to vanish. Natasha doesn't know what's worse, losing someone because they leave or die or that the person is still there but a ghost of whom they used to be.

And maybe… just maybe a small part of her resents Clint for leaving her all alone. How he would rarely call her after she left him a thousand voicemails. How he allowed himself to go dark, how he didn't reach out for her after they've been through so much over the years.

Clint can tell she's caught up in her thoughts. She didn't hear him come down the stairs. He woke up just after Natasha closed the bedroom door. When she didn't come back after a few minutes he went down looking for her. For a minute he watches her. He knows there's so much going on in her head that she's not telling him. And he can't even be frustrated with her for it. Because he can tell she's trying to protect his feelings. She doesn't want to hurt him. But this is what hurts him, too. Maybe even more.

'Hi, sweetheart', he announces himself softly before walking towards her. He can see her shoulders tense for a second before relaxing again. She drops her head to her pulled up knees to hide her face. Clint sits down on the side table in front of her and wraps his fingers around hers to hold them gently. 'What's going on, Tasha?' She shakes her head ever so slightly before her breath hitches. 'Baby, please?'

'Don't call me that', she whispers softly. Her soft, helpless tone of her voice is the encouragement he needs to sit beside her. He leans his forehead against the side of her head before he whispers in her ear. 'Talk to me?'

'No', she replies barely audible. Her head is still against her knees, her face completely hidden by her long red curls.

'Nat, come on', he tries to keep his voice calm and gentle, 'you promised. Why won't you tell me?'

'Because I love you', she lifts her head from her knees revealing her tear stained cheeks, 'I won't hurt you'.

'This is what's hurting me. Seeing you in pain is what's hurting me', he can feel himself getting worked up. 'I love you, please?'

'I just hate myself for doing this over and over again', she whispers before dropping her head to his shoulder. Clint sighs softly and wraps an arm around her shoulders. 'I can't help it', she cries softly.

'I know, Nat'.

'I miss how things used to be', she begins softly after a few minutes of silence, 'Laura, Tony… Steve', her breath hitches at his name, 'I miss him so much. He was you for the last years'. Clint can hear her unspoken confession in her words.

'Look at me', he holds her face in his hand gently, 'be honest with me, okay?'

'I needed you and you weren't there', tears start streaming down her face faster now, 'I called you a thousand times, told you everything I felt in the voicemails I left you and I never heard from you. And I told myself I don't blame you. That I'm not angry with you. But maybe I am and I hate myself for it. I get so angry at myself', she's sobbing at this point and Clint gathers her in his arms. Letting her pour out every tear she needs to shed to heal. As he listens to her cries he feels the pain inside of him. Self loathing. He hates himself for hurting her so bad. At the time he felt so lost without his family. He knew what he was doing was wrong but it was all he could manage at the time. Of course he got her voicemails. He listened to them over and over. Hearing her anger. Her hopelessness. Her sadness. So many times he heard her cry.

'I am so, so sorry, Tasha', he whispers hoarsely. She pulls back kiss him deeply.

'I know you are. And I'm sorry, too', she looks at him with red, wet eyes. He frowns in confusion. 'I'm sorry for not being better at this'.

'You're perfect the way you are', he kisses her softly and holds her face between his hands, 'I'll never leave you again, do you hear me?' She nods with a small smile and leans back into his embrace.