Hank sat at his desk angry and afraid, wanting nothing more than to swipe everything off it. His heart was in a vice. He was frustrated and worried sick. Pissed that he didn't know what the hell he was going to do about his son. He wasn't even close to a decision.
It was times like these that his heart ached for Camille, for her guidance, for their partnership. Together they would have been able to get Jay through this. By himself…by himself he worries he'll just make the situation worse…he already had made the situation worse.
His thoughts of Camille flipped on a dime and he was relieved she wasn't here to see her son in so much pain and that brought tears to his eyes.
He swiped his hands over his face realizing that he wanted nothing more than to go to Jay, but also realized he was still so scared, it would come out as anger again. He's not proud, hell, he's disgusted by how he treated his son, but goddamn, he couldn't help it. He felt his fear spike that he sent Jay away and he was out there alone. Goddammit!
He huffed out a breath at his stupidity and settled on a non-decision decision until he figured it out.
"UPTON!"
His yell startled Al and Trudy where they stood by his office door.
"Sarge…"
"Pack up and head over to the UC apartment."
"Got it. What's the play?'
"There is no play…not yet. You're there to babysit. If we do this, and I'm not saying we are going to do this, you'll go in, be his girlfriend."
It wasn't a plan, it was a holding pattern while he figured out what they were going to do and he couldn't leave Jay alone while he got his shit together enough to make a decision.
XXXXXXX
The despair he had been feeling over being sent away had only increased on his way to the apartment. He had blown it. He was mad at himself for collapsing at the meet and then for how he acted in the bullpen. And because of that, he put Mouse, his guys in danger. He blew his one chance to help them.
He took a deep breath and tried to pull himself together. He knew that his dad would be sending someone to babysit, probably Al or Trudy and he needed to show them he could do this, that he was strong enough to do this.
He was startled out of his thoughts by a knock on the door. He took a deep breath and put on his game face. He opened the door and was surprised to see Upton, and for whatever reason that hurt.
His game face fell and tears pricked his eyes, and by the way she tilted her head she noticed.
His face flushed with embarrassment as he lead her into the apartment.
"Not much food, but make yourself at home…night…"
"Night…"
She watched him limp away. He still had his brace on and she wondered if he re-injured himself when he fell. That thought brought back that horrible meet. She plopped on the couch and recounted that shitshow and the second one that happened in the bullpen. She felt for Voight, could understand his worry for Jay but wished it would have come out as something other than fear and worry disguised as rage. It was the last thing Jay needed.
Then again, anyone who witnessed it, saw it for what it was, love and fear. Jay would know that too…and who was she to judge. She'd known Jay for a couple of months, worked with Hank for a little over three years. She definitely didn't know their relationship, but given what she had seen they were close.
She understood Voight's fear, she herself is afraid for Jay, for what happened to him and what this meet today might have stirred up. She also felt in her gut that Voight wouldn't pull Jay. She didn't totally agree with it, but can see it. Jay's need to do this practically reverberated off him and they could all feel it. Voight will worry, he'd question himself, but at the end, he'd let Jay see it through…and they would be there to back him up…during the case and when they closed it, they would have Jay's back.
XXXXXXX
An hour later there's a knock on the door. She saw Al through the peep hole with a pizza and basically yanked open the door.
"Thank God. I was just about to eat stale cereal."
"How's he doing?"
She sighed and pulled her lips into a tight line, "Not sure…he went into the bedroom pretty much as soon as I got here. Hasn't come out since…"
She looked at Al over the pizza box, "He's…sad…embarrassed."
Al nodded, "Ya…ya…"
They ate in companionable silence, both hoping Jay would show himself.
Jay joined the pizza party about 15 minutes later. He grabbed a water and a piece of pizza and sat at the table. Drinking the water but not touching the pizza.
While he had stewed in his room, his sadness became guilt when he realized why his dad sent Hailey, how worried his dad, all of them, must be about him. He felt a band tighten around his heart at causing his dad that kind of pain.
They spoke at the same time.
"Al…"
"Listen kid…"
His eyes flicked to Hailey, "Al…I'm not suicidal…you believe me don't you?"
"I believe ya kid, we all do…you explained what happened."
Jay flicked his eyes to Hailey again, who was here to babysit him and wondered if his dad really believed it.
They continued to eat pizza, despair hanging over Jay like a storm cloud.
"Al…"
He knew what the kid was going to say and sighed. He put his pizza down and took a sip of water, then turned all his attention to his godson.
"Please Al. These guys, James and his crew, they're stealing things that my guys need. They're stealing stuff that keep soldiers alive and selling them to the highest bidder." He took a sip of his water and scoffed, "They probably wouldn't even care if they were selling to terrorists."
Al and Hailey both sat quietly, waiting for Jay to continue.
"Please Al…" What happened in that warehouse catching up with him. He was being engulfed by painful emotions, horrifying memories. The tears started to threaten and he shook his head in frustration, feeling like a child.
"Talk to dad. Please. You gotta…just let me do this."
"Jay, he's, we're, all just worried about you."
"I know goddammit! Don't you think I fucking know that?! I saw his fucking face!"
He jerked himself out of his chair, forgetting his sore knee and stumbled but was able to catch himself. He needed to do this…they had to let him do this.
Tears escaped as he limped over to the couch and sat down. He could feel the desperation creeping in and felt like he was going to be suffocated by it.
Al joined him on the couch but Hailey stayed at the table.
"I've gotta see this through."
Sitting up, he looked at his godfather, "I promise, Al, I'll do whatever you guys want later, I'll see a shrink, check myself in to a psych ward, anything, please, just let me see this through."
He was pissed that more tears were falling, sure that it's not helping his case.
"I've lost too many guys, I can't lose any more guys…"
He was on the verge of sobbing, the tears were flowing hot and heavy, and Al moved closer to him on the couch and puts his hand behind his godson's neck and pulls him forward, foreheads touching.
"Okay kid, okay."
Hailey witnessed the whole thing. If Al's on board, Voight wouldn't be far behind, and even though she didn't necessarily agree, she thought it's the only play. For Jay, for his guys, for everyone.
Jay let out a shaky breath and nodded his head against Al's.
"Get some sleep, kid. I'll talk to your dad."
XXXXXXX
Jay had gone into the bedroom when Al left. She thought he was there for the night, but came out a half hour later. The despair on his face took her breath away.
"Hey, you okay?"
Answering her question with one of his own, gave her her answer, "Can you take me home…to my dad's?"
"Sure, of course…just need a minute."
XXXXXXX
Hank opened the door and saw Jay limping up the walk, holding the door open for him. He tipped his head at Hailey before she drove off, and followed his son inside. No words were exchanged, Jay just limped up the stairs and went to his room, shutting the door behind him.
XXXXXXX
They mixed stupid questions in with the questions for information. He only answered one time, one question, never even gave his name, rank or service number. It was early in the second beating when they followed up a question about munitions with a ridiculous one.
"What is your favorite color?"
He breathed in and out through his nose as deeply as his injured ribs would let him and rasped out, "Red, white and blue motherfucker."
That was all they ever got out of him, 5 words.
A syringe, no no no no. He kicked out with his right leg, but it didn't do any good, he had no strength and his left leg was useless, they made sure he couldn't run. They left him alone and came back later, giving the drug enough time to work, to wake him up, to make him feel every single nerve in his body. How many nerves did Aviiz say? Seven trillion? Yes, he felt them all.
He felt the blade break skin just to the left of his belly button. No matter how many times they did this on various parts of his body, he was pulled out of his happy place in the same way every time, gasp, hold breath, scream.
He held his breath longer this time, longer cut, as Tua Sil dragged the knife across his abs, over his hip bone, ending at the top of his left butt cheek with a deeper poke and the scream was set free.
He's jerked out of his memory, or was it reality, by a bolt of electricity…oh…this part…electricity…it always starts with a growl through his clenched teeth and eventually crescendos into a scream that goes on and on.
He doesn't scream with the needles. Or at least not out loud. His body was the scream. As soon as the needle was waved in front of his face, his body started to tremble, then, with the first prick of the heated needle, his muscles contracted, making this torture all the more excruciating. He couldn't even try to make his body relax. His body was in a perpetual scream and he was locked into it. He never passed out with this one, his eyes just followed the glint of metal from fire to form, a sadistic hypnosis.
When the needles were in place, the taser…he screams until he's hoarse…wait, not the taser. They were fucking up the pattern. Fists, knife, taser, needles, waterboarding, taser, tally…rest. That was the pattern.…they skipped the waterboarding…in his addled brain he almost reminds them. They couldn't break the pattern. Fists, knife, taser, needles, waterboarding, taser, tally, REST…then rest…if they skip…wait…if…waterboarding comes next…waterboarding…but it's taser…the first tears fall then…waterboarding, then taser…tally…why…then rest…no…it's been like this since he got here…thirteen cycles…they've marked it on his thigh…thirteen, thirteen slices, tick's to keep track…they screwed up the fourteenth cycle…they see the tears, Tua Sil or Aviiz…Aviiz or Tua Sil caught a tear on the blade of their knife and caught his cheek in the process…blood mixed with tears…he bit his tongue to keep from begging them…waterboarding, waterboarding comes next…please…he's jerked out of his despair by the taser…his sob turned into a scream…it's wrong…it's wrong…what comes next…
He jolted awake in the shower, curled in a ball under the rain of water…he was freezing, his body was shivering with cold…for a moment he panicked, felt his arms, chest, legs, for needles…no…cloth…wet cloth…just shivering from the cold…shower…home…
He uncurled his body, the soaking wet hoody and sweat pants making it harder to move…how did he get in here…he tried to pull himself up and failed…not sure when or how that happened…was this part of…was he still there…he was…no… fistsknifetaserneedleswaterboardingtasertallyREST…rest…we're on rest…
"Jay…JAY!"
Hank reached up and turned off the water. He knew he can't, couldn't touch him, but his son was in pain and he needed to end it.
Jay was curled in a ball in the corner of the shower, sopping wet and shivering. He had no idea how long his son had been there, but whatever brought him to the shower, whatever was going on in his mind, he's chained to it, mumbling the same thing over and over, as he tried to sit up. When he deciphered some of what Jay's saying, his eyes fill with tears…he thought Jay was chanting what happened those three days and he wished to god he wasn't hearing it.
"JAY!"
Jay startled that time and kicked out his foot in a knee jerk reaction, catching his dad's leg leg and sending him to his ass. The contact was what woke him and had him jerking himself upright and hugging himself, wincing as he pulled his sore leg closer, bending the knee farther than it's used to.
"Jay…hey, it's Dad…you with me?"
He let go of his sore leg, laid it flat on the floor and put an elbow on his other knee, wiped the water off his face, then held his head in his hand. His other hand laying in his lap.
"You with me Jay…"
"Ya, I'm with ya."
"Okay." He sat up ass to heels then went to the linen closet for towels.
Back in the bathroom, he found a shaky Jay standing mostly on one leg, trying to pull off his wet hoody. When he wavered, Hank grabbed him and maneuvered him so he sat down hard on the toilet lid and not on the floor.
"Shit."
"Ya, shit…towels…"
He looked up at his dad and nodded when he put them on the counter.
"Be right back."
Hank headed to Jay's room and got another pair of sweats, along with a t-shirt, sweatshirt, boxer briefs and socks. As an afterthought, he grabbed the leg brace.
While he waited for his dad, he succeeded in pulling off the hoody and tossing it on the floor of the shower, hands shaking, probably a combination of adrenaline and cold.
He sat on the toilet seat shivering, towel wrapped around his shoulders, trying to hide the scars as much as stave off the cold.
"You want to take a warm shower first? You're freezing."
"M'good."
They were quiet as they go about the task of drying him off and getting him dressed. Jay didn't seem to take offense to his dad helping him and for some reason, that worried Hank more. In the past just the notion of it would have been met with a good bit of snark.
Fifteen minutes later they were sitting on the couch, Jay's hands wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate, instead of the coffee he asked for. He hadn't said a word, just stared into the chocolate and occasionally rubbed his hand over his thigh.
"Tally…" it's the one word that he clearly heard at the end of his son's night terror. He didn't quite get the significance of the word until he stilled Jay's hand with his own. His breath hitched, remembering that row of scars, "…they kept track?"
Jay cleared his throat and slowly blinked back the tears. After a moment he answered in a weary voice, not wanting to lie again, too tired to lie, "fists, knife, taser, needles, waterboarding, taser, tally, rest…it was the order they did things. When they were done with the cycle…they…would cut my leg, then they would leave me alone for awhile…rest…"
Hank's eyes also filled with tears but he too didn't let them fall.
"They screwed up…"
Hank tilted his head in question.
"They did it right 13 times, then they screwed up, skipped waterboarding…"
Jay met his dad's eyes, shame, embarrassment, he couldn't tell what he's seeing there in his son.
"I almost told them…told them that they were doing it wrong…" Now the tears fell, "they screwed up and I didn't know what would coming next…I didn't know when rest was…I didn't know…"
He couldn't stop the tears this time, "I panicked…they didn't…didn't do it in order after that…I didn't know…I didn't…then Mouse was there…" He mumbled, "we're on rest…Mouse came on rest…"
Jay shook his head and started to sob, Hank pulled him into a tight embrace, not letting his own tears fall. They are there for awhile, Jay had a bank of tears that were only now being cried out. The sobs only stopped when Jay was too tired to continue…he needed help…needed his dad…his dad could make it better…he always had.
He whispered his plea into his dad's shoulder, "Dad…Dad…Please help me…I…please…"
He wasn't sure in what capacity Jay was asking for help. His son wasn't one to ask for help with anything. He believed it might be a fifty fifty split, Jay needed help getting through the trauma of what happened to him and he needed to see the case through.
He was still in two minds of that. Deep down he knew he would let Jay finish out the case. Jay needed it for his own piece of mind. Needed it if he had any chance of coming back from all of this, but his own heart was screaming at him to protect his kid and put a stop to it…that was when his brain kicked in and he realized that letting Jay finish this out, was protecting him, just in a different way. A way he loathed, but he knew he would have to give in to. He just couldn't admit it to himself yet.
"It's okay kid, I got ya. You're gunna be okay…I got ya."
An hour later, Hank sat on the couch, his son curled on his side, head in his lap, dead to the world. He moved his fingers through Jay's hair to provide some modicum of comfort. He looked down at his boy and although he looked at peace right now as he slept, he knew that his son was troubled and he didn't know how to help. He didn't know how to make it better.
He puts his elbow on the arm of the couch and rested his head against his hand, watching the steady up and down of Jay's chest. Leaving his elbow on the arm of the couch, he ran his hand down his face and covered his mouth. The tears rolled, tears that had been waiting to fall since Jay first came home. He couldn't hold them in anymore. He blinked the tears away as he looked down at his boy, then had to look away and stifle a sob, willing his body not to shake as sobs roll through. Praying he doesn't wake up his son, he looked down again and watched his calloused hand run through Jay's hair and prayed to know what to do. What to do for his boy.
XXXXXXX
He leaned his head against the door to the house, afraid to go in. Everything came crashing down. What a bastard he'd been to his brother the last three years. How all the emails from Jay, after he'd already ignored his little brothers calls and occasional texts, were just answered with the bare bones. Telling Jay, 'it is fine' when his little brother apologized to him, when Jay did nothing wrong. And the longer it went on, the harder it was to fix it. He tried to ignore it in between Jay's attempts to connect with him, but it was always there, that knot in his stomach, tightening whenever a thought of Jay invaded his mind.
His stupid, cold email responses to Jay, It's fine. Don't worry about it. Be careful.
That's all he ever gave him.
Will finally walked into the living room and saw his dad sitting on the couch, elbow on the arm of the it, head resting in his hand, head tilted down, staring at nothing. He can see the wet and dry tear streaks on his face.
"Dad…"
He rounded the couch and saw Jay, asleep with his head in his dad's lap. His dad wasn't staring at nothing, he was staring at his little brother, carding his hand through his hair.
He looks up at him with a sad smile, "How ya doing kid?" His perpetually raspy voice a mere whisper.
Will sat down in the recliner across from them and looked at his little brother. The knot of guilt overpowered by the brick of worry that sat in his gut.
He continued to look at his brother, mind traveling back to the barbecue and the bruises on Jay's face that day, and cringed when his mind wandered to what he saw today, the scars from his brother's torture. The knot of guilt wrapped itself around that brick of worry, as he blinked out the tears that have gathered, and shifted his gaze to his dad, "Dad..." it's nothing but a croak and whatever else he was going to say left his mind, if he even had anything else queued up in the first place.
"He'll be okay..."
Will nodded, first with determination, they would get Jay through this, but then shook his head, how is that even possible. He was tortured, they did horrible things to him...how could he ever be okay.
"Will..."
He noticed for the first time, not that he would ever notice, being the asshole he is, ignoring his brother since he'd been home, three faint scars on Jay's left wrist where it laid tucked to his chest, hand in a loose fist. He looked at those thin lines and thought he put two and two together. His mind grasping onto that wrong answer, he ran to the bathroom and threw up. In between heaves he stretched his leg out and kicked the door almost closed so he didn't wake his brother with his puking or the sobbing that now echoed in the toilet bowl between dry heaves.
Minutes later he felt a hand on his back as his dad crouched beside him. He could barely speak for the sobbing and retching but he finally gulped out his question, not realizing that he is gripping his own wrist with a trembling hand like that could somehow stem the flow of blood his little brother already lost.
"Did...dad...did he...dad...did Jay... try...to kill himself?"
He pulled Will into a side hug and kissed his mop of red hair. "No...no kid he didn't."
Will nodded his head and blew out a relieved breath before the truth hit him and it's just as bad.
His face twisted in agony, he looked at his dad, "They did that...it's from when he was tortured?"
He planted another kiss on the top of Will's head, "Ya…" What else could he say, it was from being bound with zip ties or chains? There's nothing that could be said to take the sting out of the answer.
"Come on. You done?"
Will reached up to flush the toilet, "For now..."
He turned on the faucet, splashed water on his face and cupped his hands for water to rinse his mouth. He didn't even bother with a hand towel, just pulled up his t-shirt and wiped his face dry.
He found his dad back in the living room, Jay's head in his lap again. He sat in the recliner across from them and they settle in for the night, both keeping an eye on Jay until their own emotional exhaustion got the best of them and they slip into an uneasy slumber.
Sometime in the middle of the night Jay woke up from a dreamless sleep, feeling more rested than he had in months. His eyes adjusted to the light and he realized he was on the couch, head resting on his dad's leg. As much as it hurt him that his dad knew what happened, it removed the twist of the lie from around his heart and gave him some hope that he could get through this. His dad would help him, Al, Trudy, they would help him…Will…he saw his brother asleep in the recliner and sucks in a breath…Will would help him.
XXXXXXX
Thanks for reading and all of the reviews! You guys are awesome! Stay safe! Next chapter might be a little late. I have been over thinking the crap out of it! Another big thanks to ChinVilla for all your support and inspiration and proof reading these dang chapters!