Men Can't Ficsit

by comedianmasta

When a clerical error leads to Thomas Patel being labeled as a Pioneer, he'll be forced to survive on a frontier planet with a team of less than Satisfactory outcasts. What are the secrets? What is Project: Assembly? And can they survive?

2. Roll Call

When Thomas came to, Mike was kneeling above him, slapping him at the side of his helmet.

"Mmm?" was all he could muster.

"Aw, he's alive! Oh, thank Space Jesus," said Mike, "Thought we nearly lostcha there, compadre. Welcome back to the land of the living!"

"It's not a dream?"

"A dream... vacation!" said Mike, "Now as much as I understand you are going through-"

"I have to get out of here," said Thomas, "Look, there's been a grave mistake. I cannot be here! This isn't what I signed up for!"

"Easy, now, easy," said Mike, "Lookit here, son, we've been through this. The ship is gone and won't be returning for some time. We're expected to survive and be productive while we're here."

"But I'll die here," said Thomas, "This is too much space. Not enough already-established Ficsit worlds or stations."

"Now, now, hold yer horses," said Mike, "Listen here, Thomas. You are here, now. Time to fortify. Buck up, and let's get to work. We gotta space elevator to build, and build it right. Along the way, there's gotta be some sort of radio or summit we can build to letcha call corporate and-"

"CORPORATE!" said Thomas, springing up to a sitting position and looking to the pod, "Radio! I'll just call and-"

Thomas sprung to his feet and made his way to the drop pod, but it looked like a smoldering wreck.

"Now, Tommy boy," said Mike, "Looks like the computers are fried. I already tried gettin' them to work while you was out, but I'm afraid without help we'll be out of luck. We'll have to build the Ficsit hub to figure out where to go from here."

Thomas sighed, looking over the wreckage of his little pod where he awoke. He was beginning to see how stuck he truly was.

"Alright," said Thomas, "We build this hub and call for help. Now, how do we start."

"Well you didn't go through orientation," said Mike.

"You did?" asked Thomas.

Mike shrugged, "Not in a helpful way. Our best bet is finding the foreman."

"Foreman?"

"A foreman is in charge of all Ficsit operations on a planet or location," said Mike, "They would have additional training and all the plans and schematics of our portion of Project: Assembly. Their authorization would've been needed for us to be podded up and ejected onto the planet. They would've been in charge of our decent and landing zone."

"So they are down here with us," said Thomas, "And they know what to do?"

"Exactly," said Mike, "Can't be too far."

"Alright, so how do we find them?" asked Thomas.

"We can ask Aida for help," said Mike, "Hey, Aida?"

"Aida?"

"Oh, sure," said Mike, "Our computer helper. Artificial Director of Assistants or something."

"Wait... Artificial Directory and Assistant? ADA?"

"Well... yeah."

"It's pronounced 'ADA'."

"It sounds wrong when you say it like that," said Mike, "Hey, Aida. How do you say your name?"

The two stood there for a little while, in silence. Thomas rolled his eyes.

"Computer? ADA? Status report."

Silence again. Thomas felt his heartbeat vibrating in his chest, but he tried to take deeper breaths and stay cool.

"Well... that can't be good," said Mike.

"Alright, so we got to find this foreman," said Thomas, "They must've landed nearby, right? Would they be looking for us?"

"I don't know," answered Mike, "They might think we're dead. Computer problems. No Aida. Hell, you or I might not even supposed to be here."

"Ugh!" Thomas hit the pod.

A clink caught his attention, and he looked inside. A small compartment released, and a tool appeared to be sitting on a holder. It looked like a small gun.

Carefully, Thomas lifted it out of the holster. He held it in his hand, and he felt a little better.

"Alright," said Thomas, "We go out, we find them, and we build this hub."

"Whatcha got there?"

Thomas held it up, "I believe I have a weapon."

Mike clapped his hands, "Well done, sir. Brilliant! Do I have one too?"

"Go check."

Mike rushed to his area of the pod and looked around, but when he returned he just shrugged.

"That's alright," said Mike, "You seem to be more worried than me. Why don't you give it a try, let's see what it can do!"

"Alright," said Thomas, who aimed into the woods ahead, "Say your prayers..."

He pulled the trigger. The device made the faintest of clicks, but nothing happened. Both men stood their, in utter anticipation. Thomas pulled the trigger a few more times, nothing happened.

"Well, ya broke it," said Mike.

"I didn't break it!" said Thomas, "It just isn't working."

"Maybe it's not a gun," said Mike, "Look at this thingy at the front. Maybe it's a flashlight."

"Gah! Let's see if there are any weapons in this thing," said Thomas.

"Not in mine, I've already checked," said Mike, "But, I did have this. Bug zapper!"

Mike produced a long, rectangular item from his pocket with two nubs at the end. With a press of a button on the side, an arc of electricity zapped between the two nubs with a bzzzrt.

Thomas jumped.

"What is that? Where did you get that?"

"Bug Zapper," said Mike, "It was in my side, right there."

"That's a taser, not a bug zapper."

"It zaps bugs," said Mike, "Every planet with life eventually develops bug like creatures. If they are out there, I got a zapper for the bugs. Bug-Zapper."

"Look, you are not going to be able to zap anything from out there. We need something a little more-"

Thomas had stopped short. He was pointing out into the forest around them when he stopped dead. His pointing angled upward, towards the sky.

"Look!" he shouted, "Smoke! Black smoke!"

Mike and Thomas looked off. Further into the forest ahead, a small, thin line of black smoke rose, steadily, into the sky.

"Woah," said Mike, "What do you think it is?"

"It's close!" said Thomas, "It has to be another drop pod! You said we would've all fallen around the same place, right?"

"Those do seem like words I woulda said..."

"If the foreman is around, they have to be gathering up their team," said Thomas, "Which means they are either heading to us, or they are heading to another pod. What better one than the one billowing black smoke?"

"I... suppose," said Mike, "Look at you. Getting your taste of adventure. Let's go, before the aliens get 'em!"

"Yeah," said Thomas, "We can find them and they'll- Aliens? Wait, you don't-"

"Let's GO!" shouted Mike, rushing into the forest, "I'll race ya!"

"Hey, WAIT! No" shouted Thomas, heading after him, "This isn't a game! Slow down! We need to be careful! Mike! Michael! MIKE!"

Thomas was at the end of his rope. The forest made many sounds he had never heard before. His eyes had him constantly scanning all around him, nearly passing out from dizziness a few times.

Mike, in contrast, waltzed through the forest like a mighty adventurer. His hand passed along flowers and bushes. He touched every tree. He boldly swatted away sticks and swatted away flying bugs.

He had no concern as they made their way through the forest. However, the smoke could still be seen jutting up ahead, and it wasn't long until they found themselves approaching a clearing in the woods.

Branches and entire trees were strewn around. A few broken stumps could be seen. A smoldering wreckage sat in the middle, a plume of black smoke jutting into the sky.

Mike went to step out and Thomas grabbed his shoulder, holding him back.

"What are you doing?"

"I... was going to look for survivors. Or a foreman."

Thomas looked around nervously, "You were just going to walk on out there? What if the crash attracted some sort of creature? What if they are dead?"

"What if they are not?" asked Mike, "I'll check real quick."

Mike turned and put his hands to his face plate.

"Hallooooooo. Anybody over here?"

"SHH! MIKE!" whispered Thomas frantically.

Mike stepped out from the tree line, approaching the wreckage, "Ya'll alright in there? Or you dead?"

Thomas carefully came out of the tree line as well, looking around very carefully. Mike put his hands on his hips.

"Hello?" tried Mike again.

Suddenly, a figure leapt up onto the wreckage. They brandished a rifle, and wore Ficsit Pioneer suit as well. Mike jumped back, brandishing his taser. Thomas jolted, letting out a defensive cry of panic.

"State your business," came a gruff, accented command.

Mike sighed, and so did Thomas.

"Great, we thought you were dead," said Mike.

"Look, we're Ficsit," said Thomas, "We all appear to be here by mistake."

"You the foreman?" asked Mike.

The figure lowered their weapon, and sighed, "Well, well. Welcome to the planet, Lads. I'm shocked to hear more male voices. I thought all Pioneers were women."

"They are, normally," said Thomas, "Look, I'm not a Pioneer. I'm not supposed to be here."

"But you are, laddie," said the man, jumping down from the wreckage, "I'm Clint Mackinlay. I'm the foreman of this little operation."

"Well, howdy!" said Mike, "Now we got a foreman!"

"Great, you by any chance wouldn't happen to-" Thomas was interrupted.

"I need yer names," said Clint, "Role call!"

"ROLL CALL!"

From behind the wrecked pod, another figure rolled out into view. As with the others, they wore a Ficsit Pioneers suit. They stopped on their butt, and raised their hands in a ta-dah motion.

"Expert- Simone Tadungo, here!" cried out the Pioneer.

"I already got you!" said Clint.

"Woah! A girl!" said Mike, "Wait, did you say Simon or Simone? Are you a lady?"

"Oooo" Thomas stepped forward, his finger raised, "Actually... Ficsit regulations on Self Identity and mutual respect state clearly they do not look at a protected status like Race, Gender, Social Status, Subscriber Count, Sexual Orientation, or Religious Misinformation preference. Thusly, you actually cannot ask that question of a fellow coworker. You can only ask Work specific-"

"I'm FEMALE!" cried Simone, "And that's OK! There's nothing wrong with that!"

"No there is not," said Mike.

"No there is not!" said Thomas, "Still- we need to mindful of keeping a productive and safe workplace-"

"Alright! Enough!" shouted Clint, "Names, now."

"Simone-"

"NOT YOU!"

"I'm Thomas. Thomas Patel. There's been a-"

"Patel, Thomas. Alive and accounted for," said Clint.

A metallic voice rang out from Clint's Helmet, "Patel, Thomas. Accounted for. Status: Alive."

"WOAH!" said Mike.

"Name," directed Clint.

"Mike Gunn, Driller extraordinaire!"

"Mike... Mike..." mumbled Clint, looking back and forth as if he was reading something in mid air, "Ah, here we are. Gunn, Mike. Alive and accounted for."

"Gunn, Mike," came the robotic voice, "Accounted for. Status: Alive."

"What is that?" asked Thomas.

"What is what?" asked Clint.

"The voice?"

"That's ADA," said Simone from not far away, slinking onto her stomach and peering intensely at some type of insect crawling along the ground.

"Aida," corrected Mike.

"What kind of landing did you lads have?" questioned Clint.

"We couldn't... really get ours to work," said Thomas, "Is it a... foreman thing?"

"No you wee git, just turn her on," said Clint, stepping forward and grabbing hold of Thomas' helmet.

With a faint click, Thomas' helmet was alight with graphics and words as a startup program began to run. Clint went and did the same to Mike's helmet. Thomas was lost as his booted.

Suddenly, his helmet was full of a metallic female voice, "Hello, I am ADA, also known as Artificial Directory and Assistant, tasked to support pioneers, such as you, in their mission."

"H-Hello, ADA," said Thomas.

"I am connecting you to your work site database now," continued the voice, "Pioneer Nine-Two-Two-Seven-Six-Five-Three-Three-B. Please report to foreman: Pioneer Nine-Two-Two-Seven-Six-Five-Three-Three-A for your tasks and milestone goals."

"ADA, belay that," said Clint, "I'm nae going to be able to hear myself think with all that ruckus. Please reclassify employee designation to given names on file upon joining the work site."

"Confirmed. Pioneers reclassified as: Pioneer: Thomas Patel and Pioneer: Mike Gunn."

"Alright, that's settled. ADA, crew manifest," said Clint.

"Hey, what's that accent you got, there?" asked Mike.

"Gaaaah, Mr. Gunn!" said Thomas.

"Oh, Mike will do fine."

"I must insist you stop with the personal questions," said Thomas, "Ficsit Incorporated terms of conduct clearly state-"

"Alright, Alright," said Mike, shaking his head.

"Alright. So, Pioneers Anderson and Chao are dead on arrival," announced Clint, "Pioneer Flink's pod is missing. Pioneers Escobar and Gbeho are Missing From Action."

"Good lord!" exclaimed Thomas.

"And... Pioneer Duvalle is labeled as 'Reassigned'," Clint nodded, "That leaves us. I think this is it for now. We'll have to board up somewhere and prepare for our main goals."

"Main goals?" asked Thomas, "Actually, Sir. If you will, there's been a mistake. You see, I'm actually not supposed to be here."

"Are you not?" said Clint, "Well, let me just snap my fingers and get you a ticket off this rock."

"I would appreciate that a whole lot," said Thomas.

"Are you thick? There's no leaving! We're here, lad," exclaimed Clint, "I'm afraid mistake or not, you're assigned to the team, now."

"I... but I'm not a Pioneer," said Thomas.

"Are any of us, really?" said Simone.

Clint looked around, tapping the bottom of his helmet as if it were his chin, "You may be on to something, there."

"I'm a Pioneer," said Mike, "Like my mother before me and my grandmother before her. Yessir."

"I... I think there is a good argument to be made you are a glorified stow-away," said Thomas, "I'm sorry, Mike, but lying on your paperwork?"

"Lying?"

"No, I'll have to stop your gabbin' right there, Patel," said Clint, "I'm afraid we need to call a boar a boar, here. In all of Ficsit Incs operations there are maybe a handful of male Pioneers or exploratory staff."

"Sounds sexist," said Mike.

"However, in this little group alone we're looking at... six? Seven? Plus Simone."

"Times Simone," said Simone to no one in particular, before she gasped, "Times New Roman!"

"We got ourselves a liar," said Clint, "A Failure. A Mistake. And a loony."

"I... I don't know who I am in that," said Thomas, "But I think it's my place to remind you that you are technically our supervisor and thusly you really can't be-"

"We were dropped down onto a planet, and everything has gone wrong," said Clint, "Faulty equipment. Insufficient training. Outright incorrect deployment of Ficsit human resources."

"You think this might be a punishment?" asked Thomas.

"Not quite," said Clint, "But I think this was a little more than a coincidence. Perhaps we should prioritize the building of a long range radio."

"YES!" said Thomas, "We should. Excellent idea. I'm sure once Ficsit learns of their mistake, they'll gladly send out a ship to return me to my actual assignment-"

"Ha, ha! Hold your horses, there, Patel," said Clint, "There's a long way to go. You may be a mistake, but the paperwork is in order. The rest of us have a job to do, here. We need to make our way to the assigned location and set up our Hub."

Thomas started at the sudden pop up on his visor's mask. ADA had created an objectives list.

The voice of ADA read the words as they appeared, "New objective: secure the intended operational starting point and construct the Habitat and Utility Base out of Dropship remains."

"Fancy," said Simone from her place on the ground.

"Next, we can'nae get the means to build a long range radio without a satellite, which is in orbit right now. We need to begin working on our main mission, Project: Assembly. To do that, we need to construct the base for the Space Elevator."

"A... space elevator?" said Thomas, "Wait, that could take... years."

"Depends on the pioneers," said Clint, "But without that space elevator link, we can'nae begin to consider an interstellar transmission."

Clint flapped his hand down on Thomas' shoulder, "Now. Fortify, laddie. There's a long road ahead and we'll need all hands to complete our goals. If I have to babysit you, we'll be here months or years before we can make contact with Ficsit."

"I'll babysit him," said Mike.

"We'll need all our skills, together," said Clint, "Now, Let's get to work! We'll start with your pod. Pick up some tools and supplies, and head out to the location. I was able to spot it on the way down, we aren't far. Now let's do it! Gunn?"

"I'm ready to go!" said Mike.

"Tadungo?" said Clint.

"Put me in, coach," she said, leaping to her feet, "I think I'll make a full recovery!"

"Alright..." mumbled Clint, "Patel?"

"I'm going to die..." mumbled Thomas.

"That's the spirit!" said Clint, "We can do this!"

It had been a few hours, but they finally arrived at the location. Clint gestured out into the clearing with his rifle.

"There we are, lads and lass," he said, "Welcome to initial site: Charlie. Home, for the next few weeks."

Thomas let out a moan. He got stuck carrying a bunch of panels from the drop pod. He almost collapsed as he let the steel sheets fall to the ground. He looked out into the plane.

It was a wide open space. Not far off, a river flowed out from the trees and down into the meadow. He could see a rock formation sticking up not far away. However it was mostly just grass and alien flowers.

In the distance, a grand rock formation jutted out, breaking their horizon. Even further out, a mountain reached into the sky. The star for this world was threatening to set soon, and the large, distant planet loomed in the night sky.

Thomas had to keep from shivering at the sight. He was far, far from where he expected to be.

"Well, sure is purdy," said Mike, "I think we can make a wonderful base out of this area."

"I can see it now," said Simone, "We just haven't put all the nature trash in the right arrangement yet. But it's beautiful."

"Now... let's hop to it," said Clint, "It'll be dark soon, and I don't want to know what kind of beasties roam the surface at night. Let's make a shelter, set up a perimeter, and get ready to start making the HUB in the morning."

"I hope you enjoyed day 0, amigos," said Mike, "Tomorrow, the real fun begins!"

Thomas hugged his own shoulders, staring ahead at the vastness of this alien world.

"We're all going to die," he whispered.

In his fear, Thomas didn't even notice the crunching of twigs in the forest beyond them. From the bushes, two sets of eyes blinked at the strange new creatures that had landed in the forest.