Ashes + Ghost

01: smoke + light

"I want to leave,to go somewhere I should be really in my place, where I would fit in … but my place is nowhere; I am unwanted."

-Jean -Paul Sartre, "nausea"

To be or not to be, that is the question. Did Shakespeare know he was up on to something? Because he was. The question really is wether you are or you're not. Currently I'm neither. I exist somewhere between time and space, a place no human could ever enter and no ghost could ever leave. You're trapped between all that was and all that ever could be, between everything and nothing. Right here,nothing exists except vague ideas of what we would call spirits or ghost, whatever you fancy.

In the beginning, i was merely a voiceless thought in the darkness. A tiny spot.

We are aware of each other, here in this dark never ending space of nothingness. I can feel her, too. While it is both unsettling and it's own brand of eternal damnation, it's also weirdly assuring, always knowing where the she devil is. It's easier to keep taps on her.

Both Junko and I have been damned to live in this void. Dark and endless. If I'd believe in the concepts of heaven and hell, I'd ask to be transferred to hell. Heaven is unobtainable for someone like me, someone who killed and received praise for it. I know what we deserve, Junko and I and it is this empty non-existence. But I can't deny that there's a piece of me, the selfish part of what is left of my soul, that begs for some kind of afterlife in the biblical sense. Or any kind of afterlife that isn't this useless floating in space and time.

I know I shouldn't ask for this. I know you're not supposed to want to go to hell. But when you live in the space of no longer and not yet, when you're neither here nor there, you start to beg for it. You want to leave, even if it's the depths of hell you're entering. Existing somewhere fully, instead of the emptiness of living between spaces that i can only sparsely walk in. Being a ghost meant you were a lot like schroedinger's cat: you exist and you don't exist, simultaneously. You live on an no mans island that no one ever visits and that you, yourself don't even visit, because you simply are not really there.

In fact, you inhabit a few islands, some only for a few hours a day, some you don't get to walk at all, you're only a bystander, a witness. Sometimes you can get between places by sheer will, sometimes you get violently dropped there without a warning. One of them is the dream realm, as I like to call it. See, there's no actual name for any of those places that I now call home, I give them names to make sense of them, how little it may be.

The dream realm is located between the physical world and the void of existence. Every living persons dream opens up a room, entirely created from this persons mind. It contains both real and false memories, as well as the hidden ones. Everything that person is made of exists in this room, every flaw, every wish, every aspect of their personality. Every night one room opens up for someone and closes after they wake up. Nothing remains of the room, or the dream, or the human. They exist for the duration of the dream only.

But they could be navigated at any given time, the dreamer was asleep. It could have been broad daylight in the real world, but as long as the eyes were closed, their dream world opened and I could experience the dream of someone else.

The physical world however, has become a place I can only roam when the clock strikes 3:00 am and for an hour, I can walk among the living, although they had no idea I was there with them. Maybe they feel a faint breeze when I pass by, or detect a presence, but they can't see me. Materializing in the physical world required power, just appearing as a slight flicker of light consumed strength, i didn't possess yet. Dreams however, were easier to navigate. Dead people cannot dream, do not misunderstand me. I will never close my eyes and dream ever again. But the living can dream, and as long as they can dream, I can find my way into them.

I had no intentions of entering a dream that belonged to him that night. I rarely entered his dreams for a variety of reasons. Dreams were messy, fragile and personal affairs. They can be molded into anything, even into nightmares. It's the little things that can change a wonderful dream into your worst nightmare, one small changed Detail can derail your dreams into absolute chaos. I noticed early on that my presence in dreams can make a difference, for better or worse. Most people don't notice you in their dreams though, you are just some random person they pass by in a dream, but that doesn't mean you don't have any kind of power. You can wreck havoc in the dream of another human being and therefore on his mind. I made it a point to remain mostly invisible to the dreamers I visit.

But that particular night, I made a lot of exceptions to the rules. From my spot in the void I could feel Junko's energy, a wave of despair that rolled off of her. It was pestering. And suddenly it was gone, just like that. She must have left the void to enter a dream, since neither she nor I was strong enough to appear in the physical world when the clock didn't strike 3 am. Whatever my dear sister was up to couldn't have been good. I can't deny that I have felt her energy and powers grow and I can't deny that I haven't had any success at stopping her. My suspicion finally led me to follow her. Finding my sister among all those dreams wasn't as hard as I had anticipated, the cloud of terror and despair left a trail. I came to the conclusion that this was very likely a trap in some way, her breadcrumbs she left behind were way too obvious.

I entered the dream, not knowing who it belonged to. It didn't matter, because most likely Junko was already screwing around with this dream and I needed to stop her.

A large forest materialized before me, trees framing my view. I heard water flowing somewhere in the distance. The sky was a perfect shade of blue and the clouds adorned the sky. It looked so peaceful and beautiful, but something was off. This dream had a nervous energy and fear and it was growing larger with every passing moment. Junko must have been already at work. I rushed through the trees , passing small animals like rabbits and even a fox along the way. The stench of despair hung heavy in the air as I reached a building. It towered large above me and I recognized it immediately: it was Hope's Peak Academy. I felt Junko's energy inside the school building, as well as another energy. It felt familiar, but I couldn't name it, not yet.

Both energies seemed to be in short distance from each other. The closer I got to them by following the stairs up to the first floor, the more I realized who this dream might belong to. It had to be a student of Hope's Peak Academy. This dream was a memory based, filled with details only someone could knew of they'd actually walked the halls. A lot of people dreamed about Hope's Peak and it's probably due to the television broadcast of the killing game. These dreams had a good understanding of the school building, but they always lacked details that their brain filled it with things it imagines must be there.

But this dreamer knew all those tiny things and this made the dream so dangerous.

A memory is a fragile thing, especially in a dream where truth and fantasy merged into one product. The changing was already happening, I could feel and see that. Hope's Peak is not located anywhere close to a forest.

I trailed the first floor all the way up to the red door, that hid the entrance to the elevator. I had no need for the elevator or the door, so I vanished through the unopened door and lowered myself down to the court room.

The former class trial area was now just a shell of what it has been before. The stands were gone and a cinema seat, along with a large screen and projector had been placed in the middle. Junko stood next to the projector, her right eye glowing red. She held a stuffed monokuma doll in her hands. "Phuhuhu, took you long enough, sister." She greeted me with her evil smile. I didn't need to find out who was sitting in the red plush cinema seat, I should have known all along she would choose him out of all people. Of course she would choose him. Not necessarily because he, Makoto Naegi was the one responsible for her downfall, no. She had respect for him. She picked his dream, because of me, anything to hurt me.

"Let him go, Junko." I said calmly, walking up next to where he was chained to the cinema seat. Makoto was staring blankly at the screen, his whole body seemed rigid , his fingers dug into the armrest.

He had his eyes fixed on flashy pictures portraying blood and gore. "What are you forcing him to watch? Stop it, Junko. You could seriously mess with his mind, if you don't stop." I tried to keep any emotion down, knowing it would only fuel her fire.

Junko caressed his cheek. „My own memories, everything I have ever done…my lifetime achievement so to speak. Phuhuhuhu…how exciting! I even sprinkled in some recollections of the death of our dear classmates! How fun! How exciting!" Junko clapped excitedly her hands and rushed closer to me. I instinctively took a step back from her. I kneeled down in front of Makoto, who took no notice of me. I felt the twinges of Junko's power flowing through the dream, binding Makoto. I placed my hands in his and tried to break his energy away from Junko's, but her grip on Makoto was too strong. The only way to stop all of this is to kick Junko out of Makoto's dream. If she keeps on going like this, she's forcing him to stay within his dream, locking him in, like in a coma.

"You know, Junko…" I slammed into her with all my might, knocking her back a few feet & hit her in the face with my fist. "….fuck you." I said, getting ready to strike her again. She avoided my second attack and made herself invisible. I followed suit and took on my own ghost form. Meanwhile the dream of Makoto grew more and more erratic, the walls started to bleed pink and the floor was drenched in blood. I needed to get her out, now. I felt Junko's energy going up a floor and trailed closely behind her. She reappeared in the gym, where she stood waiting for me. I wasted no time on pleasantries and attacked her again, tackling her down to the floor once more. "Mukuro-chan, you know you can't kill me right?" Junko asked with a smile on her face. I simply nodded and smacked her again and again and again. When she still wouldn't give up, I willed combat knifes to appear and let every single one of them hit her face. Blood was running down her face, which didn't look much like a face anymore.

"Fine. You win. For now. Mukuro, this is only the beginning, I will haunt his dreams every single night until I finally break you a second time and you realize that you should only love me….phuhuhuhu…until then." She gave me one last despair filled smile, before she finally left the dream for good. The moment her energy left the dream, everything around me started to change again. The blood disappeared from the walls and floor. I rushed back down a floor back to Makoto. He looked confused around and muttered something to himself. "Are you okay?" I asked. He still looked confused but nodded. "…Mukuro? You're dead. Junko's dead. This is all just a dream right?" I gave him a small smile. "Yes, this is a dream. Yes, we're both dead." I reassured him. "So it's not real? Any of this?" He asked. I looked away. "In a way yes. In a way no. You are dreaming right now, when you'll wake neither she nor I will be there. But the things she showed you are real, those were her memories. I'm afraid even though we're dead, we still exist in some way…like in dreams." My voice cracked a few times, trying to make sense of the situation. "Thank you for saving me, Mukuro-san" he took my hand in his and bowed down slightly. I shook my head, "don't thank me just yet. She'll invade your dreams again and I'll have to do it all over again..and it's my own fault." I released my hand from his. He squinted his eyes. "What do you mean, she'll do it again? Why is it your fault?" I took a step back from him. "It doesn't matter. But I won't let her win. She will not succeed." He grabbed by the hand and pulled me in for a hug. "Does that mean I'll see you again?" I nodded. He kissed me on the cheek and I felt a burning sensation deep within me, like a fire that had been set. I broke the hug and led him out of the school. We were back in the forest. "Strange. At the beginning there was only this beautiful forest and then I saw Junko and ended up back in Hope's Peak Academy." He said as he admired the trees around him.

I stopped walking and looked at him. "It was her. Both she and I have the power to change dreams. But listen to me, Makoto- Kun, you have that power too. It is your dream after all. Never forget that. You are the master of your dreams, no one else."

Around us, the scenery started to shift. The school building was gone. Makoto stood still, intently staring, not at the missing school, but me. "You..you're translucent, I mean, your legs….I can see through them."

It was starting. I ignored the feeling, the tugging and pulling from within.

I felt myself slowly dissolving into the dreamscape of his mind. "You'll wake up soon", I placed my hand on his cheek. The sensation I had felt before was now dull in comparison. His dream was starting to fall apart and so was everything around us. The trees blurred into the background, the sun melted down on us from above.

Makoto took my hand from his face and pulled me closer. His arms wrapped around me, I could feel his damp cheek against my own. None of us said a word as the world collapsed around us. A strong force ripped us apart in a blinding light. And then…there was nothing. No light, no colors, no smell. I was left in the empty dark shell that was Makoto Naegi's dream. A static sound interrupted the silent void, a light was flickering in the darkness.

And then I was swallowed into nothingness again.