Unfortunately, Christmas day starts with Shawn waking up from a nightmare. He took a deep breath, very much awake and alert instead of the usual groggy feeling he gets when he wakes up in the morning.
He had known this was a possibility. It was a nightmare he'd gotten very used to, just a mix of memories from beatings given to him by his parents in the trailer park. It came up anytime he had to talk about his parents for more than a casual mention.
He got out of bed and reminded himself he was okay. He was in a hotel in New York and he was going to go visit Jon for Christmas. He started the small coffee maker that was on the desk and went to take a shower. That always helped him get out of his head after a poor night's sleep. He remembered how badly the nightmares used to throw off his entire day. They could send him into a tailspin of self-destruction. It had taken years, but he was glad he was so far away from the guy he used to be.
After his shower and coffee, he felt better. He wasn't due at Turner's until noon and it was only 10am.
He decided to call Jack and catch up with him for a bit. Shawn hadn't seen Jack in quite a while, not since he and Rachel broke up several years ago. Jack hadn't taken it very well and kind of spiraled out in his own way. He left the Peace Corps and became a bit of a workaholic at a big oil company. He stopped checking in with Shawn as much as he used to and over the past few years they only call each other on Christmas. It made Shawn sad sometimes to think about how much he'd drifted apart from his brother, so he just tried not to think about it.
They talked for about an hour. Shawn listened to Jack complain about some corporate bullshit. Shawn mentioned being back in New York, but he didn't go into a lot of detail. He realized a few years ago as he was getting sober that he and Jack had grown apart too much. After the breakup, Jack started drinking casually, thinking it wouldn't be a problem. They even partied together a few times, when Shawn was drinking heavily knowing it was a problem but just not caring.
When Shawn decided to get sober, he tried to help Jack get himself together too, but Jack didn't seem to want help. He was a high-powered businessman now and he was functioning. Jack didn't feel like the fuck-up that Shawn was, so he didn't have to be as careful as Shawn had to be. Eventually, Shawn had to focus on his own recovery. Unfortunately, now, he knew he couldn't talk to Jack about his emotions, struggles, or real life anymore. They stuck to casual conversations about their jobs.
Shawn felt a little relieved when he finally hung up with Jack. He would always love his brother, but he wasn't sure they'd ever be as close as they were when they had lived together.
He journaled for a little bit, getting some of his anxieties out about Jack and how all the early good years they had together seem so bright compared to the pain of their current strained relationship. Shawn still had a lot to unpack about how his relationship with his brother had changed over the years. Had Jack not been in so much pain after the breakup, he would have seen how much Shawn was struggling. He would have probably helped pull Shawn out of the relapse he had in his late 20s. On the other side of it, had Shawn not been so fucked up himself, he would have been able to offer Jack more help than a bottle of whiskey and a shitty break-up comfort cliché line. For a while they enabled and embraced the family alcoholism together. There was some genuine fun, some good parties, but Shawn knew the depth of the pain that had led them both to that point and it was not the high point for either one of them.
Shawn smiled to himself as he closed his journal and started getting ready to go. Leave it to him to get angsty and reflective on Christmas.
"Merry Christmas Jon!" Shawn said when Jon answered the door.
"Hey Shawn, Merry Christmas to you too. Come on in! I'm so glad you're here."
Jon had settled in New York about 8 years ago and Shawn had only visited him there once. Jon got a job as super intendent of schools for New York and couldn't pass that up. He and Melissa made the decision to move from California even though he knew it might mean Shawn would visit less often. He had hoped that maybe it would give Shawn more incentive to get over his apprehensiveness towards the city, it didn't. But now, it didn't matter. He was just happy to have Shawn back in his home.
Shawn felt relieved to be back with Jon. The last time they had quality time together was about 9 years ago. Shawn was 25 and in a really bad place. After a stay in the psych ward, he went and lived with Jon for six months in California. It was stabilizing. It helped him end up sober for a good couple years until he relapsed into bad habits at 27.
When Shawn was back in New York for Auggie's birth, he stopped in to see how Jon was doing. Jon knew instantly that Shawn wasn't sober then and it pained Shawn to face his failure. So, he left instead of letting Jon help him again.
But now, luckily, things were different. Jon noticed how good Shawn looked. He looked healthy. He looked whole. They had of course talked on the phone a lot over the past few years. He knew Shawn had 4 years of sobriety under his belt. Whatever he was doing for himself seemed to be working well.
"How have you been? It's crazy to see you back in New York!" Jon asked as they settled into the living room. His son Tom was going to be coming over soon as well. Melissa was in the kitchen getting Christmas dinner ready.
"Honestly, I've been good." Shawn sighed.
He had called Jon a few weeks ago, confiding in him that he was kind of nervous to be visiting New York after so much time had passed.
"It felt really good to see everyone again, but… Riley has this best friend. Her name is Maya, and I think Riley is planning on changing my life." Shawn didn't really know how to dive into everything. He paused.
"How did you know you were ready to take me in? How were you able to just… change your life for me?"
Jon laughed a bit. "Shawn, I had no idea if I was ready for you. I mean, you remember, we had our growing pains of figuring out how to adjust to each other. I just saw that you needed someone and there was no reason it shouldn't have been me. I connected with you, saw pieces of myself in you, and knew I couldn't let you live in the pain you were living. I didn't even know what was coming for us. I didn't know all the details, but I could sense that it was right. I felt it in my gut… Maya, does she need you like that?"
"Not entirely. She's not running away; she's got a home… but her mom's not always around and her dad left for another family. We only just met, but I see some pieces of myself in her too. She's got pain that I recognize, and I don't know what she needs from me, but Riley seems to think we need each other."
Jon nodded. "Sometimes we're not entirely ready for the things that life throws at us. We can't neatly plan out when every change is going to come. We sometimes don't get the luxury of being sure that we have ourselves all put together for what comes next. But if you feel it's right, if you can sense that helping this girl is what you need to do next, you gotta take the chance. You've grown so much Shawn. You're not the scared kid you once were, and it might help you to heal more if you help someone else. I know that helping you helped me grow back then."
Jon smiled thinking about how he really had no idea what he was doing when he first took Shawn in. Now he could look at the family picture on his living room wall and feel pride in trusting his gut to guide him in life.
The family picture wasn't the only one he had but it was the most recent. Jon, Melissa, Tom, and Shawn, they were a good little family. They had taken it on a really good day back in the 6 months Shawn was with him. Tom was getting ready to go off to college, so Jon had both the boys in the house for a few months and it felt right. The four of them went to the beach and Shawn seemed stable for the first time in a while. He was so grateful that taking in a troubled trailer park kid had worked out so wonderfully and that he still had Shawn in his life.
"So, are you still feeling pretty stable after yesterday? You had known it was going to be an emotional time."
"Yeah… yeah. It was weird because at one point I really wanted a drink, but it was almost easier to push the thought away because I didn't want to disappoint Riley… It was weird when Maya asked me about my parents, but I honestly think I handled it better than I ever have before. Had the usual nightmare last night, but I can handle that now. It feels so different than when I was a kid. The panic that used to come up isn't there anymore."
Shawn pushed the memory of his nightmare away and decided not to dwell on it. His thoughts kept going and it was nice to have Jon to talk about his with.
"I think you're right though. Helping someone else might help me too. I spent all this time making sure I could be okay on my own that now I feel like I could be okay for someone else too."
Jon couldn't help but smile. "It honestly sounds like you're working things out pretty well for yourself. You worked so hard your entire life to get to this point and you deserve to move forward. You deserve to find happiness with others, with your family," Jon always knew Shawn had it in him to recover from all the trauma he faced, but he had never been able to imagine the day Shawn would admit to himself that he was doing well, that he was ready to get more out of life than just surviving. He wondered what life held for Shawn next.
Shawn knew Jon was right, he just wasn't quite sure he could let go of his last few walls and make himself a family. And for a kid whose family all left him, he sure had found himself a part in several other ones.
His thoughts were interrupted as Tom arrived at the house. The four of them had a wonderful Christmas day together. Shawn was free of intrusive thoughts as he just enjoyed the safety of another part of his family system.
By the end of the night, he knew he had made the right choice to come back to New York. It almost felt silly how much anxiety and pressure he'd put on the idea of being in the city, of returning to his family, his home. He knew he would be safe here. He was ready for safety.
The next few days he busied himself with preparations for his next work assignment. It was going to be an easy one. He just had to do an article about cute family things to do in upstate New York. He was so familiar with the area because that's where his cabin was. It's part of why he knew he could invite everyone for the weekend. He had the space and writing an article about family activities would be better with a real family. He drove up to his cabin and made sure it was ready for guests. He hadn't been there in a few months. It was his home base, but he traveled so much that he wasn't there a lot.
The days seemed to pass quickly and before he knew it Maya and the Matthews were at his door for the weekend. They got there a couple hours before sundown Friday night.
"Wow, Shawn. This place is beautiful!" Topanga couldn't help but be amazed at the home Shawn had found for himself. The rustic but well-kept cabin was lakefront property. It was at the end of a long dirt road and was surrounded by the tallest and most gorgeous trees Topanga had ever seen. She didn't get out into nature often, but she really could appreciate how peaceful this area was. Her first thought was about how much Shawn deserved such a calming place.
"Yeah, it's the best cabin in the woods I could find," he replied while helping her and Cory with their bags. "Welcome everyone, come on in."
He ruffled Auggie's hair. "We've got a lot we can do this weekend. We're in luck because the lake froze over solid, so I insist we go ice skating. There's also a family friendly New Year's festival tomorrow afternoon in town. It's kind of like a carnival, should be a lot of fun. I've got frozen pizzas and board games for tonight."
Maya and Riley just looked around at everything. The cabin looked homey but not in a way that told them much about Shawn. He had a lot of books on the bookshelves and nature pictures on the wall, ones he'd probably taken himself.
Shawn showed everyone around. He had his own room and then his study which had a pullout couch for Topanga and Cory. The kids could stay in the living room together. It wasn't a big place, but it fit everyone and that's what mattered.
Once they'd all settled in, the kids wanted to play outside before it got too dark. Shawn, Cory, and Topanga sat on the front porch while the kids built a snow man further out in the yard.
"Thanks so much for hosting us all Shawn. We almost never get a weekend away. I can't believe how great this place is." Cory was amazed at the location. Shawn had mentioned once on the phone a few years ago that he bought this place, but Cory was excited to finally see it.
"It's no problem. I got it about 4 years ago. Kind of an incentive to succeed in getting sober. I lived here pretty much the whole year I was 30."
Shawn had gone through a lot in this cabin. He had some rough nights and a lot of phone therapy. He wrote a lot, and he cried even more. It was his own recovery house. He had started his sober journey in a rehab facility the next town over, but when the withdraw was done and his therapist and he felt ready, he came straight here.
"I'm glad you have a place like this. And I'm so proud of you Shawn. Four years sober is no small thing." Topanga smiled at him and relaxed into her chair.
"Thanks, yeah. It took me a long time to get here, but I made it. I really am sorry that I couldn't get myself together sooner so I could be around." Shawn was glad he'd made his way back to them, but it was still hard to think about all the time he'd missed out on.
"We're just happy you're here now," Cory replied.
"Is that…" Topanga had a question, but she didn't really know how to phrase it. She didn't want to make Shawn feel bad about anything. "When Auggie was born… you came back and got to meet him. But you only stayed for like, a day and a half. We had hoped you'd be around a little while longer. Were you sober when you met him?"
Shawn looked out at the kids and watched for a moment as Auggie snuck up and threw a snowball at Riley.
"I mean, I was sober for that day and a half. But that was all I could handle. When Cory called to tell me that you were in labor and Auggie was about to be born, I knew I had to be there. But, don't get upset or anything, okay, but… I had just cut myself and I was half drunk when you called. I was at a weird motel in Florida doing some freelance photo work and I kind of panicked. I couldn't believe how you two were having another amazing life moment and I was so far away from where I wanted to be."
"We had no idea…" Topanga thought back to Auggie's birth. It was a bit of a blur as she had been in a lot of pain, but she remembered the calm after labor. When she was sitting in the hospital room with her beautiful baby boy in her arms, her husband and daughter next to her and their oldest friend coming in to see them. Shawn wasn't the first family member to hold Auggie, not like he was with Riley. Shawn had shown up after Eric, Amy, Alan, and Josh. Shawn was noticeably tired, but Topanga hadn't really thought anything of it.
"Of course you didn't. I wasn't going to tell either of you anything I was going through. You had a new baby, and you were this beautiful family that I wasn't going to put my old shitty trauma on. Compared to what you guys had going on, what I was dealing with wasn't important."
Cory was kind of hurt and a bit disappointed in himself that he hadn't known how much Shawn struggled during their 20s. He probably could have pried a bit more during their phone conversations. Talked more about Shawn's life and less about his.
"Shawn, you were always important. I wish you'd told me more about what was happening with you over the years."
"No… no you really don't Cor." Shawn paused, not sure how to talk about all the things he'd deliberately kept from Cory for years. "There were a few times that I hit a worse rock bottom than I'd hit before. I told you at Christmas, I couldn't have you worry about me when you had a family to worry about."
"You know that you're my family too Shawn. I know why you left, and I know why you think we were all better off, but I just hate that you think we wouldn't have made room for you." Cory knew his life only would have been better if he'd had his best friend around with him, no matter how much he struggled.
"Okay..." Shawn couldn't really beat around the bush anymore. Telling them the truth had to be easier than walking around the secret. "What were you guys doing when we were all 25?"
Cory looked at Topanga, trying to remember the details. That was nine years ago. Riley was 4 so they were dealing with finding a preschool in the city. Topanga was starting to get more important cases at the law firm. Cory was working a teaching job at a school he didn't really like. Inner city schools weren't easy and he wasn't as confident as a teacher as he was now.
"We were starting to get more comfortable in our careers. Riley was starting preschool," Cory told him.
"We moved into our current apartment that year too." I had gotten a bonus when I was promoted. It was a strange but good year," Topanga added.
Shawn smiled but it faded as he sighed. He was getting fidgety again. "I'm glad. That's really good…" He was starting to second guess his idea of telling the truth.
Cory could sense the change in Shawn. "Why do you ask Shawn? What happened for you that year?"
Shawn took a deep breath. "Um…I tried to killed myself that year… You remember when I got out of the hospital before Riley was born, and they gave me those anti-depressants?"
Topanga just nodded softly as Shawn continued. Cory stared at him.
"Well, I'd been taking them for a few years and they just made me feel so numb. I felt like a sad ghost just going through the motions, so I just stopped taking them. I was actively suicidal for a few weeks before I just downed the whole bottle…When I woke up after several hours, I checked myself into the hospital. I was there for 3 weeks before I went back to California to live with Jon for 6 months. I'm sorry I never told you, but… I'm also not, if that makes sense."
Topanga wiped a few tears from her eyes and Cory just looked out at his kids. He couldn't look at Shawn for minute. He hadn't known. He never had any clue that Shawn had almost been gone forever. It's not like they hadn't talked at all for 11 years. They had kept in touch. Shawn just never said anything about any of that.
"Fuck." Cory said, almost to himself.
He honestly never swore. He was always around kids and it just wasn't in his nature, but he just didn't know what else to say. He still couldn't look at Shawn.
"I'm glad you failed Shawn." Topanga said softly after a moment, allowing Cory time to process.
"Me too." Shawn said. "I stayed sober for 2 years after that. I found a therapist and my job with the website. They paid for my travel costs and I had a pretty good salary. Jon checked in with me all the time once I got back on the road."
Shawn couldn't tell what Cory was thinking. He just wished Cory would look at him again.
"That was the last time though. Even though I relapsed several times from 27 to 30, I always wanted to keep going. I wanted to get better. It just took a little while and a few different things to make it stick." Shawn thought that maybe if he just kept explaining, Cory might talk to him again.
"Mommy, mommy, don't let her get me!" Auggie shouted from where they had been playing. He started running towards the adults.
Topanga gave Shawn a small smile and gently squeezed his hand for a moment before getting up to meet Auggie in the middle of the yard. Shawn just watched her go to her son and pick him up, smiling like she hadn't just been in the middle of a depressing conversation. She was such a wonderful mother. It warmed his heart.
Cory and Shawn didn't say anything, they just watched Topanga check in with the kids. They threw a few snowballs at each other and Topanga helped them get the head on top of their snowman. After a couple minutes the four of them started walking back towards the cabin.
"I'm going to get the kids warmed up inside. You mentioned earlier there were some frozen pizzas we could heat up, yeah?" Topanga said as she neared the guys.
"Uh, yeah. I've got hot cocoa for later too." He was going to get up and help but Topanga waved him away to stay sitting with Cory. She knew when a conversation needed to be had and she'd be damned if the boys were going to avoid this one.
Once the kids were inside it seemed like Cory didn't have anything to focus on. He had to be in the moment with Shawn.
"Please don't be upset. It was so long ago now." This was exactly what Shawn hadn't wanted. It was the reason he hadn't told Cory before.
"I'm not up-… I'm not sure what I am Shawn." Cory finally looked at his best friend. "I wouldn't have done it. I don't think. I mean, I can't know for sure, but I think enough things had changed. I don't know."
"What are you talking about Cory?"
"Well, before, you know, when we were 15 and I was going to kill myself if you died in the hospital. Then when we were 22 and you almost died again. It would have broken me completely. We talked about that too. But now… If I had been there… at 25. I think I would have been far angrier about it than ever before. For you to have just left me in New York and died in some shitty motel in the middle of America. I would have been furious. I mean, I'm a little furious about it now. To know that you left the support you had and just fucked off to find yourself again, only to nearly die, again, and then to not tell me about it for almost a decade… We're best friends Shawn, we're brothers, you're supposed to be able to tell me everything. I can't believe that you just didn't tell me about any of it. You spent so many phone calls letting me just ramble on about whatever bullshit I was doing instead of actually telling me what was going on with you. Instead of letting us help you. Sure, I probably couldn't have flown across the country to sit at your hospital bed and I'm glad you could live with Jon again, but it's not fair that you just didn't think I could handle it. That you just let me think you were always okay. That's part of why I didn't guilt you about not visiting us. I thought you were better because you left."
"I know," Shawn swallowed his guilt. Part of him felt horrible for not telling Cory for so long but there was something that also felt good all those years, having one rock bottom that didn't include disappointing Cory.
"But no matter where I was, I was going to be a mess and I think I just couldn't handle disappointing you again. Especially the way it all happened. The other times, those had been accidents. I hadn't meant to cut so deep and I just gave up when I realized how bad it was. But Cory, it was different last time. I was terrified when I woke up and realized what I'd done. For the first time it had been intentional, and I couldn't stop myself. I was terrified but also disappointed that it didn't work. I thought about trying again… But thinking about you when I woke up was the reason I didn't. You were the reason I checked myself into the hospital instead. So, I couldn't tell you. I didn't want to face how worried, disappointed, and angry you'd be. I've had years now to think about this, over and over again. I still think that it's all for the best. I still believe I needed to fail a million times before I could come back to you. But I'm sorry it took so long and I'm sorry it hurts so much."
"So, you're really good now?" Cory wiped a tear from his eye and pulled his hat a little tighter. "You being here means I don't have to worry anymore?"
Shawn chuckled a bit to relieve the tension. "I mean, people should always worry about me, but yeah, I'm good now. I haven't had a drink in four years. I haven't hurt myself in five. There's always a chance to fall off the wagon. There's no absolutes, but I am feeling good about life."
"Okay... good. But if you're back Shawn, you gotta be back. You have to trust me to help you through. If you do fall off the wagon, tomorrow or 10 years from now, I want you to turn to me if you need. It won't be like when we were kids. We're adults now and I can help find resources. I can help you without losing parts of myself, you know that, right?"
"Yeah, Cory. I know that now," Shawn smiled.
"Alright, I'm getting cold. You ready for some pizza?'
Cory shivered a bit, also noticing the cold had set in. "Yeah buddy. Let's go in."
The rest of the weekend was filled with fun and warmth despite the cold. It was refreshing to be with family and share parts of his life. He showed them around the small town, and they did all the best winter activities. He had a lot of good material for his article and for his memories. He could see why having kids made life brighter. They were filled with seemingly endless amounts of fun and joy. As they left his cabin, he wasn't sure when he'd get to see them next. He still had to go wherever his job took him. But he was glad he had a home base that included the people he loved and not just an empty cabin.