Shawn was in Philadelphia when he got a call from Cory. He smiled. Work had kept him travelling so much he hadn't really gotten the change to stop back in New York for a few months. He checked in with Cory at least once a week though. Even if it was just a text and a picture of where he was.
He hadn't told him he was back in their hometown. He was feeling a bit weird about it. It was a place he had avoided for just as long as he avoided New York City.
"Shawn!" Cory nearly yelled as soon as Shawn answered the phone.
Shawn pulled the phone slightly away from his ear. "Hey buddy, what's all the excitement?"
"You gotta come quick. I can't tell you about it now but get here as soon as you can!" Cory's voice gave no clues as to what might be going on, but he seemed less excited and more urgent.
"Oh. Yeah, I'm a couple hours away. I can be in New York by tonight. Is everything okay? What's going on?" Shawn still had a few things to finish up for his current article, but he could cut it a bit short. He had enough material to get by with something decent for his deadline. Plus, with traffic at this hour the two-hour drive could turn into four.
"Just… it's a matter of life or death. I'll see you tonight." Cory hung up the phone. He knew he couldn't tell Shawn what he was really up to. He probably wouldn't come.
Every thought of work left Shawn's mind completely. He quickly got his things together and checked out of his motel. He couldn't believe he was going to face another tragedy. He had just rejoined the family. It hadn't even been a full six months since he went back for Christmas. Now someone was possibly dying. He would give anything for everyone to be okay.
At first, as he started driving, he tried to just listen to some music, and focus on the drive. He didn't know what the situation was, but he knew his therapist would tell him to stay calm and focus on the facts he did have. He couldn't let his anxiety take over. The problem was he didn't have any facts to focus on. The longer the road seemed to stretch, the more his thoughts raced. What couldn't Cory tell him? Why did he need Shawn to get there as soon as possible?
Was it Topanga? Cory couldn't lose her. They joked around their whole lives that Cory loved Shawn more than Topanga, but he knew that Topanga was first. That's the way it was supposed to be. That's the way it needed to be. But now, without Topanga, Shawn knew he would give up his life on the road, move in with Cory and help raise the kids.
Oh fuck, what if it was the kids? The idea that Riley or Auggie were in danger brought tears to his eyes. They were too young. They had so much more life to experience. They both brought so much joy into the world. They didn't deserve this. They deserved to be happy and healthy and have their loving parents always be there for them. Their parents deserved two happy, healthy kids. Cory and Topanga couldn't handle this type of tragedy. They would spiral out. Shawn had met enough grieving parents in AA meetings and other group therapies to know that losing a child was one of the most devastating things someone could ever experience. Shawn wouldn't even know how to help.
But then… then Shawn's mind went to the unthinkable. What if it was Cory? What if Cory was the one who was sick? Shawn had always known that would be the most devastating thing in his life. It was the whole idea for the book he wrote in his early 20s. He had always been okay with nearly killing himself but even the idea of existing on this Earth without Cory was more than Shawn could bear to think about.
He pulled off the highway for a minute. He could feel himself on the edge of a panic attack and as much as he wanted to get to Cory as soon as he could, he knew he had to stop and get control of himself. He had made it into New Jersey and the GPS said he was still an hour and a half away because of the city traffic he was going to hit in New York.
He paced outside his car for a bit and did some deep breathing. He steadied himself enough that he felt ready to drive again after 10 minutes. He turned off the music and put on an audiobook. He picked an old favorite that he didn't have to fully focus on but that would fill the space in his head so his thoughts would stop racing.
He didn't stop again until he finally got into the city. He barely parked the car before running up to the Matthews' apartment. He knocked rapidly before barging in, not knowing what he was going to be facing on the other side.
"Topanga! You're alright? Where are the kids? It's not the kids, is it?"
"Yeah, I'm fine Shawn. The kids are good." Topanga couldn't believe Cory would drag Shawn here just for a stupid time capsule and not even tell Shawn what was happening. She hated the look of panic on Shawn's face.
"Well then it's Cory. Oh my gosh, it's you. Alright, what did the doctor's say." He was relieved everyone else was okay, but he couldn't believe that meant he was going to be facing his worst fear.
He looked at Topanga, trying to get any information. "How long does he have to live?"
Topanga just looked back at Cory, but Cory looked away, slightly ashamed as he saw what his phone call had done to his friend.
Shawn was fighting back tears. He didn't even know what was happening yet, but he could only imagine the worst. He had just decided to be an active part of the family again and here it was falling apart.
Neither one of them would answer him.
"Alright buddy, we are gonna do everything we have ever dreamed of and in whatever time you have left, we're gonna do everything. We're gonna go to your favorite restaurant, we're gonna take all the rolls, I know how much you love that."
Shawn knew he sounded dumb, but he needed to stay positive for Cory's sake. He had to push past his own fears and feelings and just make whatever time Cory had left the best time.
"They want you to take the rolls." Cory smiled. He couldn't bring himself to tell Shawn the truth and Shawn seemed on a roll himself.
Shawn put his arm around Cory and started walking towards the door. He stopped cold when he saw all the shovels by the door. "No!"
"Oh, it's okay, Shawn. I bought the shovels myself." Cory seemed oddly calm about the entire situation.
Shawn looked at him in disbelief. "Cory, pay the money. Have the professionals dig."
Topanga felt this whole thing had gone on long enough. "Shawn, he's fine. Everybody's fine."
"No, he's not fine. He called me over here. Said it was a matter of life or death. He's not fine." Shawn couldn't believe Topanga's nonchalance over this. How could she be alright when she was going to become a single mother, a widow?
Cory's face got that stupid grin he always gets when he's been caught in a scheme. "Well, I had to make sure you'd come," he finally admitted.
"Nobody bye-bye?" Shawn asked. His brain short circuited. So, everyone was okay? He could feel his heart still racing but he tried to breathe through it.
"Everybody whoop-di-whoo." Cory said with a grin. If he had thought about it fully before calling Shawn, he would have done it differently. He just really didn't want to dig up the time capsule alone and he couldn't be sure Shawn would make time for this.
Shawn's brain finally recovered well enough to adjust to the new information. "Why am I here?"
"Cory remembered the time capsule from high school." Topanga finally told him. "It's been 15 years and he wants to drive to Philadelphia to dig it up."
"Oh!" Shawn couldn't help but smile at the irony and stupidity of everything. He could feel all the panic he had earlier being replaced with agitation. "Okay…"
He picked up one of the shovels by the door.
"Whatcha doing with that shovel, buddy?" Cory asked. Now that the truth was out, he finally noticed how tense Shawn was.
"I WAS IN PHILADELPHIA!" His rage took over and he just wanted to hit Cory. He had driven in a panic for hours over nothing.
As Topanga stopped him from getting to Cory, Shawn gave up without an actual fight. He knew he couldn't hurt Cory. He knew he had to calm down. He could just feel the adrenaline from the past few hours wearing off and he couldn't understand why Cory would do this to him. They knew what matters of life and death were. They knew how serious and painful those moments were and for Cory to deliberately put him in that state was hurtful. He let Topanga take the shovel and he paced the room for a minute before letting himself sit on the couch and breath.
Topanga looked at the state Shawn was in and was furious at Cory for doing this to his friend. "I'll kill him for you," Topanga joked, trying to lighten the mood for Shawn. "He's fine now, but just wait till I make him miserable in this house for a month or so."
Shawn gave half a smile and a quick laugh. "Yeah, I mean, I was expecting death, mind as well follow through."
Once tensions had calmed. Cory came back out.
"Look Shawn, I'm sorry I didn't just tell you. I didn't mean to make you worry. I didn't think about what it would mean for you when I called like that."
Shawn looked at Cory and sighed. "Yeah, I know. I just…" He tried to think of how to say what this had done to him. "I'm glad we're back in each other's lives more, but I can't have you calling me like that unless it really is life or death. You and I have been through those kinds of moments. You tell me life or death, what am I supposed to think of? My brain spent the entire drive here just worrying about any horrific thing that this could be. Topanga, the kids, you…"
"Won't happen again," Cory promised.
They hugged; Shawn genuinely relieved no one was in danger.
Topanga smiled. "Hey, why don't we go see if the kids are downstairs. Maybe they'll want to go too."
The trio went downstairs and found the kids in the bakery. To Shawn's surprise, Katy was there too.
He smiled as they acknowledged each other. She had crossed his mind a few times over the past couple of months. In a good way, a surprising way.
"How are you?" She asked. "How's the writing?"
"Well, I was doing a story in Philadelphia until my friend here, brought me back to New York, so we could go back to Philadelphia." He looked back at Cory, still a little bit bitter.
"How's the acting?" He asked, happy to talk about something else.
"I was playing a waitress at the Nighthawk Diner, and now I'm playing a waitress here." Katy smiled and Shawn smiled back on instinct. Her smile seemed to brighten all the space around her.
"Well, I'm kinda liking this movie." Shawn told her. He was a bit rusty at flirting, but he found her stunning and he couldn't help but slip into his old Casanova style.
He thought things were going smoothly until Cory opened his mouth again, blathering on about how important the time capsule was. "Come on! It's our history. You and me, Feeny, Shawn and Angela!"
Topanga looked pissed. She had seen Shawn connecting with Katy, but Cory was far too dense. She couldn't believe he would just bring up Angela like that. She dragged Cory away, but the damage was already done.
"Who's Angela?" Katy asked.
Shawn turned to her slowly. He may be a bit rusty around women for the past couple years, but he knew you don't talk about your most important ex with the person you're flirting with.
"Oh, you know. Someone who used to be in my life." Shawn smiled at Katy, hoping she wouldn't want to talk about it either.
"Ah, yes. Well, we all have one of those, don't we?" Katy said calmly.
Shawn was almost relieved she seemed so cool about it until Farkle chimed in from the couch. "Do you miss her? I know I'd miss Riley and Maya if I didn't see them for a long time. Do you think your old feelings will get all stirred up for her? And you'll miss her? And you'll go back and live wherever she is?"
Shawn really didn't like this kid. But of course, he was Stewart Minkus's son, so that made sense. It seemed like he would never shut up. Luckily Maya threw something at Farkle and he left Shawn alone.
"Yeah, Mr. Hunter, you gonna get some feelings all stirred up?" Katy asked, coming around from behind the counter.
Shawn couldn't stop staring at the whole group. He suddenly felt very exposed. He pulled at the end of his long sleeves a little bit. He didn't know what kind of feelings would come up from the time capsule. He knew his relationship with Angela was very much over. He wasn't worried about whatever Farkle had said about going and finding Angela again. But high school was hard for so many reasons and he couldn't possibly know how he was going to react. It had been hard enough for him when he first got into Philadelphia for his work assignment. He talked with his therapist and he prepared himself to be back there. He could avoid the places he didn't want to go and focus on the tourist aspect for the article. But now? Now they were going directly for the emotional aspect of his hometown.
"All right, we're coming with you," Maya said as she stood up.
"Okay girls, grab a shovel!" Topanga said cheerfully. She was kind of excited now for a trip to their hometown with her kids.
"We're digging up the past!" Shawn said, straining to smile. "Yay…."
This was going to be weird.
The drive there was okay. He was thankful that he didn't have to drive alone and luckily it was a bit of a shorter drive as they weren't dealing with rush hour traffic. The five of them fit in Cory's car. They were just going to go find the time capsule and bring it back to the city.
After hours of digging and a short visit with Feeny, they found themselves back in the living room with a box of old memories.
"All right, I'll go first." Cory finally said as they stood around the time capsule.
"Now, No one knows what anyone else buried, right?" Shawn clarified. He remembered what he buried but he didn't know what Angela put in. He knew it they had all put in things about their relationships though and he was a little nervous to find out what it could be.
"Yeah, that was the deal." Topanga agreed.
Shawn had to smile as Cory pulled out the jean jacket that he used to have.
"It's the jean jacket!" Topanga smiled too. "It's the first time we said, 'I love you'."
Next was the letter from Lauren to Cory. Shawn kind of laughed, remembering how much drama there was after that ski lodge trip. Topanga and Cory were such a strong couple, and Shawn was happy that Topanga got to do what she wanted 15 years later. Their love had lasted, and she could tear up the letter and fully believe in the love that she used to struggle to trust.
All that was left now was what Shawn and Angela had put in.
He pulled out the book of sonnets, a CD of Vivaldi's Four Seasons, both things that he had put in and was kind of happy to have back. The Van Damme movie ticket and Angela's old lip gloss were Angela's items. He remembered the date he had with Angela to the movie. It was the night they had their first kiss.
"Ah. Me and Angela. We were gonna be Cory and Topanga. Guess there can only be one Cory and Topanga. But still… me and Angela. I wonder what she's up to nowadays?" He wondered out loud.
Shawn looked thorough the book of sonnets and smiled. He remembered how much he used to love laying with Angela as they took turns reading the sonnets to each other. After a few minutes Riley and Maya quietly snuck off to their bay window. Topanga started some coffee and the three sat down to reminisce.
"I remember that Angela and I used to just be able to sit together. We didn't even have to talk." Shawn found himself starting to tell them.
"You didn't talk?" Topanga was kind of surprised. She would have thought that if Shawn were going to open up and talk to anyone back in the day, it would have been Angela.
"No. We'd just be with each other. You know me, I hated having to talk about what life was like back then. We just got to exist together… Am I ever gonna find that again?" Shawn smiled, but he was slightly worried.
"Maybe you'll find something different." Topanga replied.
"Is different better?" Shawn genuinely wasn't sure. He figured if love were out there for him it would be like it was before.
"Maybe, if you give it a chance." Topanga told him.
"Shawn, why didn't you end up with Angela?" Cory asked. He never did get the whole story. "She had come back from Europe and you two were so happy to be in love and together again. You left New York together but a month later you sent a text saying it was over and you didn't need to talk about it."
"She ended it and walked out on me. Time has taught me that's not good for a relationship." He gave a half-hearted laugh.
"I still don't really know why things got hard between us, but we left New York thinking the road would be better for us. We were both into traveling and it was going to be better for us. We weren't ready to settle down the way you two had. But… we just ended up fighting all the time. It was like we just couldn't agree on things anymore. We still loved each other but it was like we just didn't fit together."
He sighed a played with the edge of the placemat on the table.
"I put this stuff in the time capsule because I thought when we opened it there might be someone there for me to love, whether it was Angela or somebody else... I'm not gonna have that."
Riley stormed in the room and got in his face. "Don't be such a jerk!"
She left just as abruptly as she'd come in.
Shawn was taken aback. "Women used to like me, right?" Shawn looked at his friends. He had no idea what that was all about.
Topanga nodded. Shawn sighed and got up from the table. He knew he had better go deal with whatever it was that the girls had going on at their bay window.
He knocked on the door and was surprised when Riley knew it was him.
"How'd you know it was me?" He asked as he entered the room.
"My family doesn't knock. They're pigs." Riley said plainly.
Shawn nodded. He knew that about the Matthews. He remembered when he had lived with them on and off. No one knew how to give a kid some privacy.
He went to the bay window and squeezed himself in. If Riley had something to say, he figured she mind as well get it over with. "So, what is it?"
Riley looked at him. "You know how they say Pluto isn't a planet anymore?"
"Yeah, yeah. I heard about that." Shawn didn't expect to come in here to talk about planets, but he answered her anyway.
"Doesn't that kill you?" Riley asked earnestly.
"No," Shawn replied. He hadn't even thought about it really. He wasn't really an outer space kind of guy. He barely liked to think about his place on this planet let alone think about his place in the universe.
"Pluto is still out there for me." Riley smiled.
"I don't care." He really didn't. He had a lot of emotions happening for him today and the last thing he really wanted to do right now was talk about Pluto.
"You weren't afraid to love somebody once." Riley finally says, getting to her point.
"Hah… Riley, I was always scared to love somebody. And anyway, I… I'm done with that. I don't have that. I'm not going to have that." Shawn admitted.
"You are. There's someone out there for you." Riley looked at him as if staring at him would make him understand what she was getting at.
"So, you're saying Pluto is Angela?" Shawn was getting confused.
"No, I'm saying that Pluto is believing that something is out there no matter what anybody says. Especially you. Because there is." Riley knew she sometimes took too long to explain herself, but she also thought Uncle Shawn could be kind of clueless about things.
Shawn didn't know when Cory and Topanga had walked in the room but suddenly, he heard Cory's voice. "How are you not getting this yet buddy?"
Shawn looked around the room for a minute and noticed Maya had moved from the bay window to the bed. He finally started putting some of the pieces together of what Riley was talking about. He got up and walked towards Maya. Maybe this was less about romantic love and more about the missing piece he and Maya both had.
"You believe in me?" He asked.
"I do." She stated simply.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to be for you," he admitted. He had no idea what he could offer her even though they were kindred spirits.
"Can you just be out there for me?" Maya asked softly. She was 14 but looked so young and vulnerable.
"Yes." Shawn answered. He was still kind of confused. He had thought he was already just 'being out there' for Maya. Admittedly he still had to travel and work, but he had been there for her on multiple occasions now. He figured they never had actually talked about what their connection meant. "I can do that… I want to do that. What do you call that?"
"It doesn't matter what you call it." Maya said. "I just wanna know that you're there."
"Okay," he said, taking a seat next to Maya. "I'm there."
He put his arm around her shoulder and squeezed softly. He still didn't know what being there for her would mean, but he'd already decided after Christmas, and then especially after her birthday, that being around for Maya was something he had to do in his life.
"Give me your phone," Shawn said, holding out his hand.
Maya looked at him, confused, but slowly handing him her phone. He typed in his number and handed it back. "Call or text whenever you need. I've got a lot of time on the road to talk."
Maya smiled and looked at her phone before putting it back in her pocket. "Thanks."
"Well, do you need me here now, or did you girls have more bay window business to attend to?" Shawn asked, not knowing where to go from here.
Riley smiled, bouncing off the window seat and grabbing Maya's hand. "Ah, yes. We're rather busy. Maya's mom gets off work in about an hour, so we need our time now. Thank you, goodbye."
Shawn chuckled and got off the bed. He followed Cory and Topanga as they left the girl's room.
They settled back at the kitchen table and Cory had his silly grin on his face as he just looked at Shawn. "You were pretty good in there buddy."
"Sure, sure. I don't even know what I'm doing man." Shawn shrugged.
"Maybe not, but you're handling it well," Topanga assured him.
"Okay, but… There's something we gotta talk about. I've been thinking about it and talking with my therapist about it for the past few months… Um, one of these days it's gonna come up and… how do I talk about the scars?" Shawn ran his hand through his beard and let out a breath.
"I've never explained it to kids before. It's been easy to keep 'em covered for so long, but I know the day is coming when the girls are gonna see them."
Cory could see how uneasy this topic made Shawn. To be honest, Cory had thought about it too. Of course he had noticed how Shawn was wearing a long sleeve shirt in the middle of May. It had made sense to wear sweaters at Christmas and New Year's, but he realized Shawn was deliberately hiding his arms again.
"I don't have a solid answer on that one Shawnie." Cory wished he knew exactly how to handle that conversation. He knew he did have some advice though.
"What I've learned from teaching kids at this age is that they're more perceptive than we like to think they are. They're more resilient. When things are heavy and serious, they ask questions, and they try to understand. They can be patient, but they can be tough. Not all of 'em, but our girls, I know they'd be able to handle it."
"And you don't have to tell them everything," Topanga added. "Your history is complicated and complex. They will probably have lots of questions, but you'll know what to say. You've done a good job so far."
"I just want to make sure you both know that I don't want to fuck it up. I don't want to say the wrong thing and have them freak out about it. It's all scars now, it's not as bad as it was back in the day, but they're still noticeable. The damage I did is real evident and people still stare sometimes. It doesn't bother me, but I know once the girls see, I'll have to be honest. I wanted you to be prepared in case I do say something wrong and you guys have to do some damage control."
"I know it's a big thing to have to talk about and explain to kids, but we're not worried about how you'll handle it. We've known since Riley was born that this would happen one day. It's important to talk to the kids about mental health. They need to know about these kinds of struggles, but they also need to know about the way that people can recover from it. They love you Shawn," Cory assured him. "They've already accepted you for who you are in their lives and they're not going to suddenly become scared of you just because you open up."
Shawn took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. Right, you're right. I just… I just committed to be there for Maya and as much as I know it's right, it's still got me a bit nervous. I don't want to let her down."
"That's why you're doing so well Shawn. A good parent doesn't want to let their kids down. You care enough to try as hard as you can to do what's right for her. Don't worry so much," Topanga wanted Shawn to be able to trust himself on this.
"Alright. Well, I think I'm gonna take a walk. Thanks for letting me crash on the couch. I'll be back up in a bit." Shawn was happy he didn't have to drive all the way back to Philadelphia tonight, but he certainly needed some time alone to process such a long day.
The fresh air relaxed the tension he didn't know he'd been holding. It had been a rollercoaster of a day. He was grateful the girls didn't know about his scars yet. He had so many parts of himself that were so vulnerable, and it felt weird to need each piece to reveal itself in such a calculated manner. It felt natural to him that he could share with Maya a few things about his parents and childhood. She had needed him to open up a little on that. It felt okay that they had learned about Angela. He had healed a lot since that relationship ended. He didn't think the same things about love that he used to.
But the scars and addiction, the mental health struggles, that was heaviest. That was inside of him. That wasn't trauma someone else gave him and left him with. He was the villain in that story. His own thoughts and actions were his abusers, and he wasn't quite ready to explain that piece yet.
He walked a few more blocks and his mind drifted back to earlier in the night. He thought about what Riley had said about love being out there for him. Then he remembered what Topanga had told him about being ready for something different. Maybe this whole thing was about romantic love after all and not just about being there for Maya. His thoughts drifted to Katy. He wasn't a complete idiot. He could see now how Riley would want to set Shawn up with her best friend's mom. He just wasn't sure he was cut out for love and family.
He tried to think about the facts. He tried to look at things from what he knew was real. What was real was that whenever he saw Katy, he felt happy. Not a giddy kind of butterflies-in-the-stomach kind of happy, but a calm and awkward kind of happy that he wasn't sure what to do with. He knew he wanted to be in Maya's life. He knew that as much as he loved Angela back in the day, he had been so young and unsure of himself. He had felt so broken back then. The love he needed then isn't the same kind of love that he needs now.
He had walked around the block and found himself back at the apartment building. He was about to go up when he saw Katy was cleaning up in the bakery.
"Hi Shawn. We're closing up, but I could get you something for the road." Katy smiled, slightly surprised to see him.
"Uh, yeah, that'd be great…" He wasn't entirely sure why he had come in here. "Actually no. Do you feel like sitting down for a second?"
"Yeah, actually I do." Katy looked relieved as she took a seat. It had been such a long day and the bakery had been busy. "Did you wanna talk about something?"
"We don't have to talk. We can just sit here," Shawn suggested. "Will that be okay?"
Katy sat up a bit straighter in her chair. It was an odd request, but she'd try it.
After a weird 30 seconds, she couldn't keep it up. "That was great. Now talk?"
"Yeah, would that be better?" Shawn had thought silence would tell him if he could have love like he had before, but he quickly realized that was not going to give him any answers. That was just him falling back on what he thought love would feel like.
"It's certainly harder, but I found it can be better, yeah." Katy pulled out her lip gloss.
Shawn took notice and mentioned it. "Lip gloss?"
"Yeah, I put this on when I don't know what's happening." Katy admitted.
"What flavor is that?" Shawn found himself thinking about how much he'd love to taste whatever flavor she had.
Katy put the lip gloss back in her pocket. It was her go-to flavor. "Cinnamon Spice."
"Is that better than kiwi mango?"
"It's different."
"Is different better?" Shawn asked.
"Well, I guess that depends on the life you're having. For me, yeah, I'd take different. I'm ready for different. How about you?" Katy leaned back in her chair, more comfortable now that they were talking.
Shawn really thought about it. He looked at this beautiful woman across from him, the one that clearly everyone, including his own feelings, was pushing him towards. He needed different. He was ready for different.
"Yeah. I could use something different too." They didn't really know what to say for a moment, but Shawn wanted to make some kind of move.
"Listen, I um… I just, thought you should have my number." He pulled out one of his business cards. "Just in case something comes up with Maya or something. I've got an assignment out west for a month or so, but I just figured, I should be reachable…"
Katy smiled and took his card. It was so professional of him. She didn't think she would need to contact him or anything, but like he said… just in case.