It had been a month since Shawn had been back in New York. He had an assignment out in Oregon and he was honestly happy for a little bit of time on the road again. His last visit had been heavy and the closer he got to Maya, the more nervous he got. Having Chett for a father doesn't really prepare you to raise kids right.
Sometimes, on bad days, he still feels like he's just a version of his dad. Never able to stay in one place, still leaving the people he loves. Sure, he had made a lot of progress on himself, but he was still exhausted on bad days; days that he had to actively keep himself from his vices. They were fewer and farer between, but he couldn't deny the blood and DNA running through him. He would always have a part of his father in him.
He tried to focus on the ways he was different. Like when he was glad that Maya texted him a few weeks into his trip. She told him about meeting Eric and how crazy he seemed to be. Shawn was happy to hear that Eric had visited. He missed Eric over the years, not keeping in touch as often as he did with other people. He had known Eric had his own weird life going on now. He texted Maya back some photos of the gorgeous forests in Oregon and they didn't really talk again until he told her he was headed back to the city.
He also realized having a therapist was a huge step away from being like his father. He had a really good session the week before he was set to head back to New York. She encouraged him to not think so much about Chett's influence but on all the other father figures he had. Jon, Alan, even Feeny, had taught Shawn a lot about what it meant to nurture. They had given him so much advice, they had listened to him, they had been there no matter how many times he failed. In the grand scheme of fatherhood, Chett was such a small part of Shawn's story.
And at this point, Shawn isn't truly in a father role. He doesn't have to take on the full responsibility of every aspect of care for Maya. He can develop a friendship from the understanding that he has with her. He doesn't have to overthink his influence as much as he had been. It would lead to too much anxiety when the situation didn't call for it.
He knew this whole process was going to take time.
Shawn felt good as he drove back to New York. He felt rejuvenated from a trip into nature. He loved the solitude he found as he hiked mountains with nothing but his thoughts and the bright world around him. The silence he could find at the top of a mountain made him feel like the world was holding still for him. It was easier to breath. It was easier to think. It was easier to live. He could sometimes forget where he had come from and how he grew up. He was part of something bigger than himself.
Now, he was ready for more family time.
He got back into New York city and settled into his hotel room. He knew he was always welcome to stay at Cory's, but he also enjoyed having his own space. He didn't want to sleep on the couch every time he came to visit. He texted Cory that he was back in the city and Cory told him to meet them all at Topanga's after school.
They had a great evening together. He told them all about Oregon and shared more photos. Riley and Maya talked about what shenanigans they had gotten into while he was gone. He didn't like the idea of them at a college party, but he couldn't really say anything. He had snuck into his fair share of parties when he was younger too. Everything was great until Riley had to push some type of meaningful moment.
Riley had been watching Shawn and Maya get along so well. "You know, this is the part of the night where people might give out fatherly advice."
"Oh…" Shawn slowly gets out of his seat and chuckles a bit. He wasn't ready for that responsibility. "No, uh, not my place.
"Go ahead. What advice you got for me? I can take it." Maya perked up a bit.
"Oh, come on! We were having such a good evening. Can we just leave it at that?" He loved Riley, but just like her father, sometimes the meddling could be too much.
"What's the matter?" Maya stands up to face him. With a quick playful punch to his gut, she surprises him. "You don't think I can take it?"
She starts playfully trying to beat him up. "Come on! Let's do this! Tell me to do my homework. Maybe I will just do it. You don't even know. Come on. You got something for me? Out with it. I dare you."
Topanga thought things were cute for a minute, but her gut told her it was time to put an end to things. "Oh, no. You see I have this wonderful instinct for too far. And we have arrived."
"There is nothing he could say that would bother me." Maya turned to tell Topanga.
"It's not gonna happen." Shawn told her. He really didn't think he could just come up with something on the spot. He had been okay when they'd had some deeper discussions in the past. But this was different, and everyone was watching. He could feel the anxiety kicking in that told him to run. He had to actively keep his feet rooted to the floor.
Maya, still too playful for her own good, starts clucking like a chicken. Trying to egg him on.
"Oh, right, right. Because chicken noises work on a grown man." Shawn wasn't going to break. He really didn't want to say the wrong thing.
Riley tries to chime in again and Shawn just takes a deep breath. "All right. You want one piece of fatherly advice?"
"And here comes the end of everything." Topanga says as Katy just looks on nervously.
"Oh, how bad could it be?" Katy doesn't know much about Shawn but so far, he's proven to be really good with Maya.
"I think you should dress differently." Shawn finally says.
Maya's face falls. "What did you just say to me?"
Shawn instantly knows he's fucked up.
"Oh… you see you asked me for advice. I told you I wasn't… but you pushed. Are you crying? I made you cry?" Shawn could feel himself starting to panic a bit. This was not what he intended. He never wanted to give advice. He had known he was in over his head.
"Maya, you asked me for advice and I just told you how I was feeling. Why are you crying?"
"Because no one's ever cared enough to say that to me." She hugged Shawn and cried into his chest.
Shawn let Maya hug him but looked over towards Katy and Topanga. "Make it stop. Can we make it stop? How do I make it stop?"
He had never had no idea how to deal with this situation. He wasn't very good with other people's tears. When no one came to his rescue, he said the first thing that came to his mind. "How 'bout I buy you some new clothes?"
That instantly makes Maya calm down.
"Great, alright. See, everything will be okay. We'll go tomorrow and it'll be like this never even happened, yeah?" Shawn patted Maya gently on the back and was grateful that it was getting late. Without much more fuss, everyone closed up the bakery for the night and Shawn went back to his hotel room.
The next day, Shawn and Cory took the girls to their favorite clothing store. Cory keeps acting like this was such a big deal, but Shawn didn't see why. He was just happy that things turned out the way they did. When she first started crying last night, he really thought he hurt her feelings. He had gone back to his hotel and was endlessly grateful that he hadn't made things bad between them.
It wasn't until Maya came out of the fitting room that he knew what Cory was talking about. To see Maya so overjoyed and comfortable just because he can afford to get her new clothes, left him kind of speechless.
If all it takes for Maya to be happy and comfortable was to spend some of his money, he decided right then to get her whatever she wanted. It's not like he spent a lot of money on himself. He had learned over the years how to be good with his money. He never wanted to end up as poor as he was when he was a kid.
They finished their shopping trip and he loved how happy Maya was. He was glad he could provide for her.
When they get back to the bakery, Katy and Topanga were shocked.
Katy didn't seem comfortable with such an expensive gesture. She knows Shawn cares about Maya, but it all seemed like too much.
Shawn could see Katy's discomfort He hoped she didn't see this as pity or as a handout. He hated handouts when he was a poor kid, and he didn't want Katy or Maya to feel like he was pitying them.
He explains to Katy how he knows she does all the heavy lifting. She provides the home and basic care for Maya, the least he can do is help give her something extra.
Katy pulls him aside, still feeling strange about this gesture from Shawn. She's enjoyed how happy he's been able to make Maya over the past several months but as a mother, she still had a lot of worries. "Maya adores you, and the deeper this gets, the more it's going to crush her when—"
"When what?" Shawn asks. He knows what she's getting at. He knows she still expects him to leave someday.
"When her legs get cut out from under her." Katy finishes.
"Katy, I told you. I'm not a leaver... Look, can we just have one good day? You keep the lights on, right? I dress the kid up a little bit. Can't we just look at her and smile?"
He puts her arm around her and they both just look at Maya, seeing how joyful and comfortable she is. Things seem calm and right, even for just the moment. Shawn is grateful that he could make Katy okay with the arrangement, but he knows that something is still missing for her. He understands he has the easy job in Maya's life. He eventually goes over to Maya to talk with her. He points out how hard her mother works and makes sure that he shares the credit for this shopping trip with her. He loves doing things for Maya, but he also doesn't want to have Katy feel uncomfortable with any part of his involvement in their lives.
As everyone moves on with the rest of their day, Shawn heads back to the hotel. He has dinner plans with the Turners scheduled for that night.
The next day, Shawn got a text from Katy. He was kind of excited when her named popped up on the screen. She didn't say why, but she asked for him to meet him at the bakery. He could stop by anytime during her shift.
Shawn had a little bit of down time in the afternoon and he figured it would be a good time to stop by.
"Oh, thanks for coming," Katy says quickly as he comes into the bakery. "You need to stop being nice to me."
Shawn was caught off guard. He hadn't expected that at all. He looked at her and realized she had a lot going on in her head. "You need therapy," he stated. Not a judgement, just a fact.
"No kidding." Katy puts down the dishes she'd been cleaning up. "Listen, I love the way you are with Maya and I believe you may even be sincere. But there's no need to be nice to me."
Katy sounded like she genuinely believed Shawn shouldn't be nice to her, as if he should just ignore her altogether when he came into town.
"I don't think you and I have ever even had a normal conversation." Shawn says, sitting down next to her.
"When Kermit left me-" Katy begins.
Shawn couldn't help but burst out laughing. "Oh, I'm sorry." He quickly collects himself. "I just never pictured your ex-husband as a… Kermit."
They laugh for a moment and Shawn can feel how unintentionally flirtatious Katy is.
"When Kermit left me," She starts over, "I decided to shut that part of me off. You know, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on-"
Shawn cuts her off. "Me? Shame on me? Why?" He questions. "Katy, I have no idea where this is conversation's coming from."
"You're confusing your affection for Maya with affection for me and you don't need to do that."
"Wait, when did I affection you?" Shawn knew he had flirted with her in the past. He knew she had kind of flirted back. But he was still unsure of the right moves to make with her.
"You put your arm around me." Katy reminded him.
Shawn hesitated for a minute. Was he confused? Was his longing for love and family causing him to project attraction onto Katy? This was all too important to fuck up. He suddenly felt the need to back track. She clearly didn't want what he was growing to want. He played off his actions earlier and tried to not make it such a big deal. "Oh Katy. Come on. Sometimes and arm around somebody is just an arm around somebody."
Katy nodded, not believing him. She slid over next to him and put her arm around him. She was so close to him now and Shawn could feel a rush of comfort and warmth. It flustered him a bit.
"Ok, now, what is that… what are you doing?"
"What are you doing?" She countered. Shawn could see where Maya got her direct attitude from.
After a moment, Katy got up and went back towards the counter. She couldn't ignore the work she had to do just to debate flirting with Shawn.
"I know what things mean. I'm a woman and I have instincts, and your charity does not extend to me, so you don't need to ask me on a date-"
"Oh, wait a minute. Are you asking me out on a date?"
Maybe she did want the same thing Shawn wanted.
"No!" Katy was almost too quick with her answer.
"Katy, you seem mad at me for no reason. Do you think there's a chance that you're actually mad at somebody else who's not me?"
"I didn't view my marriage as disposable." Katy stopped pouring coffee and looked at him. "I was all in. I said those things to him in front of God and I meant it."
Shawn could see that Katy really did need therapy. She seemed to still have a lot of pain she hadn't dealt with. He was lucky he had done so much work on himself.
"Yeah. I get it. I thought my first real girlfriend was going to be the one forever. I wanted Angela… I wanted us to be some version of Cory and Topanga. But there's only one of those… Katy relationships end. Sometimes out of nowhere, on a sunny day. But you pick yourself up, and you rebuild. And you don't look back."
He wondered if any of his advice would help her feel better. He hadn't even asked her out or really made a move on her. If him just being nice to her could set off anxiety for her, he knew she need to figure some things out for herself. He knew what it was like for kindness to be a foreign language in your life, for accepting help and allowing someone to care for you to seem strange and come from hidden motives. He didn't want her to feel weird about him being kind.
They're conversation was interrupted by Cory. He always did have weird timing.
"Knock, knock!" Cory nearly shouted into the bakery.
Shawn turned around. He'd play along. "Who's there?"
"The only person who could change your life from things are going pretty good right now to… AHHHH!"
"The only person who could change my life from things are going pretty good right now to… AHHHH! Who?" Shawn was confused but he could see how nervous Cory seemed.
Cory didn't have to answer as Angela walked into the bakery. For a second, it's like the Earth stopped moving. He forgot where he was for a moment and barely believed they were both standing there. Shawn had never expected to see her again.
He feels awkward as he hugs her and she tells him they need to talk.
Cory can sense how awkward things are between them and he knows he has to give them time alone. Katy introduces herself but she also knows Shawn needs some time alone with Angela and heads outside with Cory and the girls. They had gotten back from school and were anxiously waiting outside.
Angela looks Shawn over. He looked good; healthy and strong. Not like how she left him. She had left him broken and scarred and she had always kind of felt bad about that. She was happy he seemed to be in a good place. "I really missed you."
"Yeah, well you've got a funny way of letting someone know." Shawn could feel some of the hurt coming back to him. It had been years and he was over her but seeing her again was hard.
"Well, did you hear my dad died?" Angela confided. It was still hard for her to talk about.
"Oh, no, Angela. I'm so sorry." He genuinely was. He knew how close Angela and her father were.
She chuckles a little bit and gives a sad smile. "A military man. A war hero. And he dies fishing."
"I liked him." Shawn remembered how nice and important of a man her father had been.
"Oh, he liked you." Angela sat down and sighed. "You know I think about him every day."
Shawn let her think about her dad for a moment, but he really wanted to figure out what was going on. "Angela, why are you here?"
"I need someone to talk to and it could only be you. How about that." She gave a small laugh. She hadn't expected to ever need Shawn again for anything, but here she was.
"Okay." Shawn sits with her. "What's going on?"
"Well, I'm married now," Angela shows him her hand. She had a beautiful ring. Definitely more expensive than one Shawn could have gotten her when they were young.
He's a little surprised but he's happy for her. "How long you been married?"
"Four years. He's a military man." Angela looked proud as she thought about her husband.
Shawn really didn't want to talk about her husband. Not when he still didn't know what had fully happened between them.
"Why'd you leave me… again?" He couldn't help but be direct now. If they were going to talk and he was going to help her with something, he needed to get a straight answer about their past.
"Shawn," Angela looked to the floor for a moment before looking back at him. She seemed to be preparing herself. "When we got back together, I was certain I was ready for it. I had missed you and still loved you. I was ready to start over with you. But… the more we all grew together, the more I saw you with Riley, I knew how much you still wanted what Cory and Topanga had. And I knew I wasn't actually ready." She sighed, remembering how the next part of things played out.
"But then right before Riley turned 2, you told me we should leave the city. I thought that would be perfect for us, to not be so involved with the perfect couple and their kid. We could focus on us and some of my worry went away. But not all of it... You remember how much we would bicker on the road together. We weren't ourselves anymore. I left the second time because I couldn't handle being the only person for you. I couldn't give you everything you needed, and I just kept feeling like maybe we weren't ever going to be able to make it work. I wasn't ever going to be ready."
"But then you were?" Shawn questioned. He does remember those nights on the road with her. They were hard, but they were better and safer than the nights that came right after she left.
"Well, life goes on, Shawn." Angela smiled a bit. "You know, I think life puts people in front of us, so that we can be prepared for what comes next. I was ready because of you."
"I hope life knows what it's doing." Shawn sighed. This was harder than he thought it would be, but not for the reasons he thought it would be. He didn't feel any desire to be with her, he didn't feel regret or longing. He just felt sadness for how much things hurt for them in the end. He felt disappointment for how much he lost himself when she left.
"So, why did you come see me?"
"Okay, well, my husband wants to have children. And you know that I've always been scared of being somebody's mother because my own mother left." Of course, Angela's husband knew about her past, but Shawn understood it in a way her husband couldn't.
"Yeah, we were both broken that way." He gave her a sad smile.
"Yeah. Now, he's trying to convince me that I'd be a good one and I need somebody who understands me to tell me if that could be true. I mean, I can't talk to my father now. You're the only one I could trust with this."
Shawn stared at this woman he used to love, the woman that he used to be in so much pain to live without. Just like he had grown in his own way, she had too.
"Have kids, Angela. Put more of you in the world. And then sit in a chair and watch them. You'd be amazed. We're here to make somebody else happy."
It felt odd to be able to give this advice now. He had just gotten this kind of advice from Cory several months ago and now here he was, passing it on.
"Thank you, Shawn. I knew I could count on you to tell me what's right." Angela smiled at him, glad that she came. "Hey, can I tell you something right?"
"I wish somebody would," Shawn replied, trying to joke after such a heavy conversation.
"Who's that?" Angela gets up and points at the blonde girl who had been staring through the window.
"It's Maya." Shawn smiles.
"She has not taken her eyes off you since I walked in." Angela could see how much Maya was interested in what was happening for Shawn.
"She's somebody I've grown very fond of." Shawn didn't know how to explain his situation to Angela, he could barely explain it to himself.
Angela knocks on the window and Katy pops up next to Maya. "And that's her mother?" Angela asks.
"Katy, yeah that's her mom."
"Is she the one?" Angela asks outright.
"What? No…" he pauses, thrown off by her directness. "I don't know. I don't know her enough to know anything. She doesn't know me enough…"
"Well, I said I'd tell you what's right. Let what we had make you ready for something. Life knows what it's doing." Angela kisses his cheek and leaves him to contemplate by himself. She knew he had a lot of walls up. She knew he didn't like to open up about his past, but she also knew he could do it and it would be worth all the pain and hardship to get there.
He stared at the now empty window where Katy and Maya's faces used to be peeking through. He hadn't felt such warm and fuzzy, but still terrifying emotions, in quite some time and he still didn't know how he could just let go of the walls he's put up inside himself and trust life to guide him. It was easier out on the road. He'd learned to trust himself better when he was alone. But now? He felt a fatherly connection to a teen girl and was getting butterflies in his stomach again over the girl's mother. He knew what life was calling him to do, but he didn't know if he really had the guts to give in. To be completely vulnerable again. He would have to let them in. Let them know about the times he wasn't strong and cool and confident. They would have to see him for who he really was, and he hoped they would love him anyway.
After a few minutes, Cory comes back into the bakery.
"Hey Shawn. You good?" Cory needed to make sure this wasn't too much for Shawn. He'd love to hear all the details, but he knew Shawn wouldn't share.
"Yeah… yeah. I'm good. It was good to get to talk. Never thought I'd see her again. I'm glad she's doing well." Shawn ran his hands over his beard and stood up.
"Great. Hurricane over." Shawn didn't know what Cory meant but Cory kept right on talking. "So, Topanga and the girls want to go shopping again. You wanna come with?"
Shawn smiled. He didn't really want to be left alone, so he agreed to go. Katy and Maya smiled at him when he finally left the bakery, but no one really had much to say.
The shopping trip was kind of awkward for a while in that way. Maya and Katy seemed to give Shawn space that he didn't ask for. While Topanga tried on some things Shawn decided to bridge the gap that had formed between him and Katy.
"Hey, can I buy you an outfit?" He really hoped she'd say yes. He didn't know how else to show her he cared.
"No, no... you can't buy me anything. We hardly know each other." Katy didn't like how much she didn't know about Shawn. He had been around several times and they all seemed to be getting closer, but she was nervous about him with all the mystery he seemed to keep.
Shawn laughed. "Oh, you asking me out on a date?" He played back to their earlier conversation. He knew he could be smooth sometimes.
"Yeah." Katy took a moment and looked at him. She finally figured she'd just put herself on the line.
Shawn got excited and nervous all at once and couldn't believe she'd just gone for it like that. "Wait. What? Seriously?" He got up from the chair he'd been in and walked over to face her. "Right here in front of everybody?"
"Sure. It'd be real bad for me if you said no." Katy wasn't sure where all this confidence had come from, but she couldn't handle the uncertainty anymore. She just wanted to either date this guy or move on.
Shawn took a moment to think. Probably too long of a moment, but he was nervous. He could see how much Maya and Katy were being vulnerable. He could see how they were opening themselves up to him and in a way, they were stronger than he was.
"Katy, I would love to go on a date with you… Thanks for asking." Shawn could barely believe that he was letting himself have this. He was going to try at love again and it kind of hurt a little bit to let hope come back to him. Even as he said yes, he could feel how unsure he was. What if he and Katy didn't work out? What if he was too much for them? He had grown so fond of Maya and didn't want to let all of this go.
But if it all worked out? Well, that would be a dream come true.