Outside of Katy and Maya's apartment Shawn took a deep breath. Katy had asked him out the night before and while he was optimistic for their first date, he was also hesitant. He had gone on so many first dates in his life; he knew how to impress a woman. But this time it seemed far more important.
He got through his own pep talk and buzzed her apartment door. Katy came out and nearly took his breath away. She was in a slim light blue cocktail dress and had on the most sensible but sexy kitten heels. Shawn smiled as he commented on how stunning she looked.
"Not so bad yourself," Katy replied.
He could feel some tension leaving his shoulders. He had spent longer than usual contemplating what he was going to wear. He normally wouldn't have put a lot of thought into it, but today he kept going back and forth on whether he would wear short sleeves, or if it were better to cover his scars.
Ultimately, he ended up wearing a dark blue button down with ¾ sleeves that he could roll down if he changed his mind. If he and Katy were going to date, if they were going to try for a relationship, he couldn't hide what was written on his skin. He didn't hide it when he was out on the road. It didn't make sense to make a big deal about it by keeping it a secret.
Katy smiled flirtatiously and Shawn got them a cab to the restaurant. She definitely noticed the scars, but she didn't dwell on them. He was such a handsome and kind man. Everyone had their own scars and stories to tell. She didn't judge him for his scars, but she understood their presence brought a very big story with them and it made her nervous that she wouldn't know how to navigate that conversation when the time came. She realized he might also feel that way. She put it out of her mind. They didn't need to worry about that right now.
As they pulled up to the restaurant, Katy couldn't believe she was getting to go to such a fancy place. It wasn't the most expensive place in town, she was glad for that, but Shawn had needed to make a reservation, so it was a bit better than a burger joint down the block. She had walked by here a million times and never thought she'd get to experience it.
They were seated near a window overlooking the harbor and she felt a little bit like a princess. She couldn't remember when she'd had a night out like this.
Their silence was comfortable as they looked over the menu.
"Hmm…" Katy finally said, looking at all the choices. "Alright. Well, I barely know what some of these things are…" Katy was a little bit nervous. "Should we split a bottle of wine?"
"Actually, I'm four and a half years sober. I don't mind buying you a glass though." He glanced up from his menu to see how she'd react to the news.
Katy was surprised but she tried to not to show it. There was some of that Shawn Hunter mystery coming out. She knew better than to press on it too much. It could possibly be a red flag, but it was only their first date. It was a good sign that he could tell her he was sober.
"Oh, no. It's alright. I really only have it on special occasions."
"I'm glad this qualified." Shawn smiled, relieved that he didn't freak her out. "I've heard their pasta is amazing here, but you also couldn't go wrong with their fish of the day."
They eventually settled on their order and found a good flow to their conversation. He told her about some of his travels, the best places he'd been, the weirdest places; he had become a pretty good storyteller over the years. Katy told of some of her bad auditions and funny stories about a few weird commercials she did years ago.
The date was easy. They both felt comfortable in a way that they weren't used to. Shawn had dated a lot of women over the years but tonight was different. He cared so much more than he had in a long time.
Katy hadn't dated a lot. She had met Kermit when she was young and gotten pregnant pretty quickly. She really hadn't dated much since Kermit left. She had tried a few times, but never got past a first or second date. She was honest when she'd told Shawn she had shut that part of herself off. She had Maya to focus on.
They talked a little bit about Maya. Katy shared a few stories about when Maya was little that made Shawn smile. She knew she wasn't the greatest mother in the world, but she loved her daughter more than anything.
After dinner they took a walk around the harbor. It was such a beautiful night and Shawn knew this was probably the best first date he'd ever been on. They kissed as they overlooked the river and Shawn knew everything felt right. He felt a peace wash over him and he had never felt more present in a moment. Kissing Katy didn't feel like all the other women he'd kissed over the years. The one-night stands, the short-term girlfriends, the drunken hookups all came with kisses that left him feeling lonelier and less loved the morning after. Katy felt like a home he was going to move into. She felt like the first warm sunlight after months of snow and rain. She felt like something he'd never felt before.
He had a passerby take his and Katy's photo. He wanted to have more pictures of the good moments in his life, he didn't have very many.
They took a cab back to her apartment and he walked her to the door.
"So, when can we do this again, Mr. Hunter?" Katy smiled as they stood at the front door.
"Soon, I hope. I have to go to Florida for about a month. I hope that's okay." For the first time Shawn wished that he didn't have to leave. He wished he could stay and rush into this relationship, but he knows he can't.
"That sounds great. Send me some pictures of Florida, okay? I could use a getaway." Katy smiled and kissed him again.
"I'll call you, if that's okay?" Shawn asked. Life on the road left him with a lot of time and no one to talk to.
"You'd better."
Shawn left for Florida a few days later. His assignment was to follow the backroads of Florida, find the most scenic places. A lot of people think of Florida for their party atmosphere or their senior living. Shawn's editor wanted an article for the hikers, the backpackers, the nature-loving travelers.
Since Shawn's worked with Hit the Road for so long, his editor knew better than to ask him to hit up the party atmosphere anymore. He was grateful that he could be a little honest with his boss when he got sober and told the guy that he couldn't take those kinds of articles anymore. He was great at it in his late 20s after he relapsed. He could find the best parties and the coolest people in town to interview and follow around. But it was because at that time in his life, he would partake in just about anything. He took drugs from strangers at raves in Detroit, drank frat boys under the table in Malibu, and did reckless bullshit with some stars in Vegas. Even though he left that particular information out of his articles, he was very accurately able to document the people, places, and atmospheres for the youth who traveled to party.
These days, he loved his trips so much more. He had already been to all 50 states years ago. But there was still so much to see, and now he was sober to really experience and appreciate it. He could better remember the people he talked to, and honestly, he was talking to nicer people than before.
He wasn't a huge fan of the Florida heat, but he did find that he loved the nature. It was so different than everywhere else. They had such a huge variety of trees and the wildlife really was wild.
He had been there about 2 weeks when he got a call from Maya. He was pleased, but surprised. She hadn't actually called him while he was on the road yet. They had texted, but this was the first call. He hoped nothing was wrong.
"Hey Maya, what's up?"
"Hiya Shawn. How's Florida?" She had questions about Shawn's life, but she didn't really know how to just jump in.
"Hot. Too hot. Luckily, I can just go jump in the ocean whenever I want," he laughed a bit. "How are you? What's going on in New York?"
"Actually, I uh… I met someone really interesting," Maya told him.
"That's great. Who'd you meet?" Shawn walked out onto the beach and sat in the sand. He was much more of a forest and lake kind of guy, but he certainly couldn't complain about the sand and ocean. He was staying in a small cottage with a beach side view this week. It was his favorite place on the trip so far.
"Jon Turner."
She wasn't sure how he'd react. She wasn't even really sure why she called to talk about it. She supposed she was just really curious. Cory had mentioned at some point over the years that Shawn had lived with the Matthews, but he never mentioned Mr. Turner. She was glad Riley had told her.
"Oh! That's great. How's he doing? I've been meaning to give him a call." Shawn realized why Maya would call him. If she met Jon, that probably meant she knew Shawn had lived with him for a while.
"He's good. He helped our new English teacher keep her job. He's a really nice guy."
"Yeah. One of the best I know." Shawn smiled as he looked out at the ocean. "Did you have questions or something?"
Maya thought for a second. "Kinda… I guess. I mean… if that's okay. I guess I was just surprised. Cory had told Riley and I once that you had lived with him when you were younger, so I just thought that was what happened when your parents left."
Shawn chuckled a bit. "Yeah. I mean, I lived with the Matthews a few times. But Jon actually was my legal guardian for a few years. I still visit and call him. He's one of the best fathers I've had."
"So, it was okay to love him like a dad? To rely on him… he didn't let you down?" Maya still wasn't sure what she needed from Shawn, but she was working on trusting, on having hope.
"No Maya, he never let me down. I know I let him down a lot, but he was always there for me. He always picked me up when I failed and needed him again. Things weren't perfect, but we were able to figure things out together."
He really didn't think he could ever be as good for Maya as Jon was for him, but he knew he didn't want to let her down.
"I'm glad you had that. It's cool he was there for you." Maya couldn't imagine what life would be like if both her parents left. She knew her mom wasn't perfect, but Maya was lucky to have her.
"Me too. He saved my life. I wouldn't be who I am today without him." Shawn looked at the scars that covered his forearms. He remembered how much Turner used to worry. He remembered how much he used to keep hidden or just straight up lie to the man's face. He chuckled. He was really grateful Jon never gave up on him.
"I really pushed the guy though. He went through a lot to keep me going."
Maya smiled to herself. She had only been around Mr. Turner a little bit over the past week, but she could see how cool and caring he was. She could understand how he would be a good influence for Shawn growing up.
"Thanks for telling me about it." Maya was pleased that Shawn was open to talking about his past. For some reason it comforted her to know that he had gone through such a bad childhood and was still keeping himself together. Maybe there was hope for her.
"Of course, Maya. I don't mind." Shawn was honest. He really didn't mind. He had recently been trying to change his brain to think about Jon whenever the subject of fathers came up. Like, if a song came on the radio about fathers or if he saw a father and son in public, he wanted to be reminded of Jon, not Chett. He has felt for years that Jon was a father to him, but he wanted to navigate away from his first thought of dads being Chett.
She told him a little bit more about her new English teacher and he talked about the beach he was on and the alligator he had seen the week before. It was a nice conversation and Shawn was happy that she had called.
When they finally hung-up, Shawn left his phone on his towel and walked into the ocean. He never used to like swimming, but the heat and the reminder of how he ended up with Jon in the first place, left him needing to feel the water envelope him. He swam out as far as he felt comfortable and floated for a little bit, allowing the sound of the water to relax him and the waves to gently move him along the surface.
After a while, his anxiety about what creatures were in the water led him to swim back towards shore. He knew sharks and jellyfish and stingrays weren't likely to get him, but he didn't want to chance it for too long.
The rest of his evening was pleasant. He had made plans to meet an old man at a seafood restaurant in town. The guy used to work in the Everglades National Park and offered to talk to Shawn about the history. Shawn was headed to the Everglades next week.
After dinner Shawn relaxed and turned in early. He had a busy next day.
What Shawn didn't find very pleasant was the nightmare that woke him up in the middle of the night. It wasn't the usual one that he could write off and put away. Tonight, he wasn't immediately sure of what to do. He could feel the tears in his eyes and the panic in his veins.
He did a breathing routine that usually works for him, but the nightmare was just too vivid. It wouldn't leave his head. He took out his journal and knew he had to write it out.
I'm in my cabin. It's dark inside even though the sun is so bright outside, like the sun refuses to shine through the windows. I'm making dinner, cutting vegetables, I think. A knock comes from somewhere, but I don't think it's the front door. I look down and I realize I've cut myself. I don't remember doing it but now I'm bleeding from my palm. I'm not panicked even though I know I should be. A knock comes from somewhere again and I look around the room but everything is too dark. I feel something wet and I realize I've cut myself again, a few times. My arms are bleeding now, my hands too. I just stare at the blood as it covers the food and the counter. The knocking gets louder and it feels like it's in my chest. I open all the doors in the cabin, the front door, my bedroom, the study, but when I get to the bathroom door it won't open. The knocking is so loud it fills my entire body. I start banging on the bathroom door with the same pace. Finally, it opens and… it's Maya. She's standing there in the middle of the bathroom. Her arms and hands have the same blood and cuts as mine. She doesn't say anything, she just stares at me. I try to say something to her, but my voice won't work. I feel panicked at this point and step into the bathroom to try and get towels, clean everything up, but she still doesn't move. She just watches me. I wipe up the blood, but we just keep bleeding. She tilts her head and says "Wow, what is it with us?"
I woke up. I'm weirdly scared. The phantom feeling of cutting my skin open is so vivid now, almost like I just did it. As if it hasn't been years. I know I don't want to do it. It's not a craving. It's like a ghost sitting on my skin. The memory is physical. My scars feel raw. Like they're preparing to split again.
Shawn felt a little better having the thoughts out of him, but now he knew he needed a plan. He wasn't in a panic. He wasn't going to hurt himself, but he needed a distraction. He needed to think of something other than this nightmare. It was almost one in the morning now and he contemplated calling Jon or Cory. He knew he could, but he didn't really want to wake them up. He knew neither one would make him explain it, but he would feel bad if he woke them up and didn't tell them about the nightmare.
He turned on the TV, thinking some kind of noise would help distract him. He flipped through a few channels, but he really couldn't focus. He just kept seeing nightmare Maya. Her comment ringing in his ears. Wow, what is it with us.
Shawn turned off the TV and picked up his phone. He'd promised Cory he'd reach out when he needed to. This seemed like it qualified.
"Shawn?" Cory answered after a couple rings. "Where are you? Is it one AM where you are? 'Cause it's one AM here."
"Yeah. I'm still in Florida. Sorry if I woke you."
"Nah. You caught me finishing grading papers I was about to head to bed. What's up?" Cory put his papers in his bag for tomorrow and headed to the couch.
"I uh, just kind of needed a distraction. Maya told me you almost lost your job 'cause of the new English teacher, said Turner came in and saved the day. Figured you could tell me about it or something."
Cory was a little unsure about why Shawn would want to hear about this right now, but he figured Shawn wouldn't have called like this if it wasn't important.
"Yeah, yeah. It was great. You should have seen Yancy's face when he thought bringing in Turner was going to seal the deal on firing me and Harper. He was all 'I have a close personal relationship with the superintendent of schools'. I had to stop myself from laughing. He had no idea how much better I knew the guy!" Cory laughed a bit now remembering the shock on the principal's face.
He was quiet for a moment as he realized he didn't really know what Shawn really needed from him. "I mean, I could tell you the whole thing, but I figure Maya told you what happened. Are you alright Shawn? You're safe, yeah?"
Shawn snapped himself back into the moment as he realized Cory asked him a question. He had kind of drifted as he listened to Cory's voice. Wow, what is it with us.
"Yeah man, I'm safe. It's not an emergency. I just… I had a really fucked up nightmare, like, worse than usual and it's not really leaving me alone. I tried my usual shit to calm down, but it's not really helping. I just thought letting you talk to me for a while would be a good distraction."
Cory straightened up on the couch, realizing this was exactly what he had told Shawn to do, call him when he needed, no matter what.
"Ah, no problem then. Did you wanna talk about it or just listen to all my great stories? 'Cause I've got a lot of 'em."
Shawn thought about it for moment. He wasn't really sure he wanted to tell Cory about what his brain had given him tonight. He didn't want Cory to have those images in his head too. "Why don't you just talk at me for a bit and we'll see how I feel."
That was all Cory needed to hear. He talked about his day-to-day school stuff, he explained how the kids were really impressive as they fought to keep Ms. Burgess, he fills Shawn in about Eric running for senator and how busy and intense it got. By the end of the conversation, Shawn seems to be more involved, more present than he was before. It was nearing 2 AM and Cory really hoped he'd helped.
"So, how do you feel?" Cory finally asked, getting a bit tired.
"Better. Thanks Cor." Shawn yawned and wondered if he could maybe fall asleep again.
"Good. I'm glad. Did you wanna talk or do you think you can sleep?" Cory was curious about what dream would upset Shawn this much, but he knew it could be a great many traumatic things, so he wasn't going to push.
Shawn wasn't entirely sure what would be better. He did feel a lot calmer than when he'd first called, but now the reality of being left alone again was setting in. He felt some distance between him and the phantom feelings he'd had after he woke up. He knew he would talk to his therapist about it in a few days, but he didn't really want to get into the nightmare right now, not after such a nice conversation.
"I think I'll be okay. I think it's out of my head for now."
"Okay, if you change your mind you can call again, okay?" Cory needed his sleep, but if Shawn needed him for a night, Cory would deal with a little less sleep than usual.
Shawn knew he wouldn't call again. He figured he'd be okay, but he knew he wouldn't wake Cory up. He'd already kept him up too late. "Thanks… good night Cor."
"Night Shawn."
Shawn hung up and sat for a minute, assessing what he should do now. He really was tired. He took a deep breath and put on a podcast that sometimes helped him fall asleep.
It took a little while, but as he just focused on the voice in the podcast, he eventually drifted off.
Shawn tried to hold himself together as he waited for his therapist appointment at the end of the week. He was out most of the days taking pictures and experiencing Florida, but at night, the anxiety returned. He could tell that his bedtime routine was coming off kilter. He was staying up slightly later and having a harder time getting to sleep. He didn't have that same nightmare again, but he always woke up feeling restless. He was in the next town when he finally was able to talk through everything.
He told her about the dream. He acknowledged that he was glad he called Cory to help him but that he hasn't had a good night's sleep since. He hasn't talked to Maya again and even though he told Katy he'd call her while he was here, he hadn't done that yet. He had sent her some nice pictures of the beach, but for some reason, he hadn't brought himself to call.
His therapist was most concerned about his sleeping. Shawn has been her client ever since he got sober and she knew that when he went through bouts of insomnia or nightmares, everything else got worse for him too. She knew he was coming up on five years sober and she was hoping that he would make it.
"It sounds like your subconscious is scared that Maya is too much like you, or that she'll turn out like you. From what you've told me, it seems like you two connect more every time you talk, and she is starting to look up to you. She doesn't know everything about your past yet, but the more she finds out, your anxiety seems to be increasing. She still hasn't seen the scars and I know that the prospect of that entire conversation scares you. The anxiety of eventually having that conversation may be coming into play here too."
Shawn just stared at the ceiling. He knew she was right. He hated his subconscious for doing this to him.
"I know. I just, I want to make sure that even if the conversation goes well, I don't want it to ever cross her mind that it's something that could help. You know, 'It got Shawn through a hard time, we're so much alike, I should try it too.' I don't want her thinking that way."
"Well, we can't control what she may or may not think someday. But Maya is not you. She hasn't been what you have been through. She has the benefit of having you know exactly what to look for if she does show signs of depression or self-harm. When the time comes and the conversation happens, you can mention that to her. You can tell her you never want her to think that it's something that will help. She sounds like a smart girl. I think she'll see the pain it brought to you, and she won't want to disappoint you by turning to something that you worked so hard to overcome."
They talked more about how to gain control of his sleep anxiety and they even briefly talked about how he could reach out to Katy. There was obviously relationship anxiety they would need to work through. He didn't want to screw things up with her. They could talk about that next session. They scheduled for next week, instead of 2 weeks out, which Shawn was grateful for. He wondered how hard things were going to get as he worked through what seemed to be this final maze of his recovery. To come so far that he was thinking about relationships and kids and opening himself up to someone else, left him proud but anxious. He knew he wouldn't be at this stage if he hadn't already done so much work, but it didn't mean this part was going to be easy.