Shawn's sleep was interrupted as his phone's ringtone cut through the stillness of his hotel room. He rolled over and picked up his phone, seeing it was midnight and Maya was calling him. It must be 1AM in New York.

"Shawn, have you forgiven your father?"

"Fuck, what?" That was the last thing that Shawn had expected to hear. "Sorry… Sorry, Maya. I was just uh… surprised. It's a complicated answer."

"I'm sorry Shawn. I shouldn't have called." Maya had never heard Shawn swear. She didn't mind it; but she sensed that she maybe should have thought this through more before she called. She just hadn't known what else to do. She had just talked to her father for the first time in 9 years and her thoughts were endless.

"No, no, I'm glad you did. It's okay. I just need a second. Why don't you tell me what's going on? Why do you wanna know?" Shawn sat up in bed and turned on the bedside light. He ran his hand over his face and took a deep breath as he listened to her.

"Cory gave us an assignment, a forgiveness project. We're supposed to forgive the people in our lives that hurt us. The only one I've got is my dad. So… I sent him a letter. I didn't think he'd actually show up." Maya really didn't want to cry on the phone with Shawn. She wanted to be stronger than this but the conversation with her dad was still so fresh and she had so many feelings she couldn't understand.

Shawn sighed. Of course Cory would push the kids to do something like this.

"How did it go?" He asked.

"I thought I could do it. I thought I'd be okay. Like, if I heard why he left then maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad anymore. The anger is gone but now it's just… I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I listened to him. He said it's not my fault he left, but it still hurts. He said he's sorry. And… I don't know… I do feel a little better, but I don't know how to let it go. I don't know how to be okay with what he did, even if it wasn't my fault."

Shawn thought about what she said. He understood the emotions that were overwhelming her now. He had spent most of his life allowing those feelings to eat him alive. He wished he could take all her pain away. He was in Iowa for a festival he didn't want to go to, and he wished he could just be in New York right now to help Maya thorough this in person. This wasn't an easy thing she could resolve. This couldn't possibly be settled and summed up for a school assignment.

"Maya... I can't really tell you how to make all the hurt you feel go away. Sometimes we just have to let things hurt; we can't avoid it… I can say it gets easier over time… But, no, to answer your question, I haven't forgiven my father…"

He realized that maybe isn't what she had wanted to hear, but he had to be honest.

"I understand my father better than when I was a kid... I'm not angry at him anymore. But that didn't really come from forgiving him. That came with forgiving myself… My parents were abusive drunks. They were very broken people. I couldn't possibly control what was happening when I was a kid. I held onto a lot of anger for a very long time. It nearly destroyed me. But when I finally gave little Shawn a break, when I finally told him it wasn't his fault, and truly meant it, that's when things started getting a little easier. My parents don't deserve my forgiveness. They were bad people, but they were still people. They were who they were because of what they had been through. But that isn't an excuse. It's just the explanation. And no matter how much I wished it; they were never going to be the Matthews. They didn't have the capability of loving me- of being good to a child. They were too damaged.

I could have gone down that road Maya. I could have stayed broken. But I deserve my forgiveness. And you deserve yours."

Maya was quiet on the other end of the line, but Shawn could hear a few sniffles.

"How do you forgive yourself? Mr. Matthews said that too. He asked if I had forgiven myself. I don't really understand why I still blame myself. My dad said it wasn't my fault. I should be okay…"

"It isn't easy Maya. Especially when you're right in the middle of it. It took me decades to sort myself out, and I'm still working on it. Everyone has to heal from life while they're still living it. But the more you look out for yourself and keep trying to move forward, the better you'll get at it. It comes a little bit each day. If comes from allowing yourself to screw things up and then trying to fix it. You just have to keep reminding yourself, every day, that it wasn't your fault. One day you'll wake up and you'll have said it so many times that you'll finally believe it."

Shawn smiled to himself a little. He remembered how dumb it sounded when his therapist and his AA sponsor had told him to repeat mantras every morning. He really didn't think it would work, but he knew he had to try everything. He had tried too many times to get sober, he needed to do whatever it took this time around. He talked to himself a lot in that first year.

You are safe and strong. Your parents are gone and cannot hurt you. You are not to blame for the pain you've endured even as you inflicted it on yourself. Today is a new day and you are okay. You were young and it's okay that you made mistakes. You cannot change what has happened, you can only grow from it.

He knew Maya didn't need all that, but she did need something. She did need to work on changing her mindset, the thoughts she's told herself were true for the past 9 years, the patterns and habits she'd formed to decide who she is and how she feels about what's happened in her life.

"I can't tell you how to feel about your dad. Thankfully, with as much as we have in common, your life is different than mine and maybe someday years from now you'll feel differently about him. His reasons for what he did are his reasons. You can't change that, but you can keep reminding yourself that you're okay without him. You had to make choices for yourself as you grew up because of the choices he made. Whether you're okay with them or not, you can forgive yourself for being a child who was hurt by their parent. You can be patient with yourself as you figure out how to heal. I know you'll figure this out. You'll find peace in your own way, and I'll help in any way I can."

"Thanks Shawn… You've definitely helped already."

Maya's voice cracked a little. She wasn't sure if she really would figure it out, if she would ever feel better. She defined herself by the anger and hurt she had held onto. Without that, she was left with sadness and uncertainty. She desperately wanted to believe Shawn. She knew in her heart somewhere that she was starting to believe him. If he could be okay after his childhood, there might be hope for her too.

"I'm glad… Isn't it like 1 in the morning over there? This been keeping you up?" Shawn recognized late night anxiety when he heard it.

"Yeah, yeah. It's pretty late. But I'm used to it. I haven't slept very well since I decided to send the letter." Maya wasn't a stranger to sleepless nights. It wasn't a regular occurrence, but it wasn't uncommon. She could go to school on a few hours of sleep.

"I get that. I'm used to the late nights too. I can tell you that things are easier when you sleep well. So, it's worth it to try and find a way to sleep soon. I usually read or write for a bit. Talking can help too though, so I'm still here to listen if you got more on your mind."

"Thanks. I usually just draw or listen to music." Maya knew she could talk more about her feelings, but she just didn't have much more to say. She didn't want to say the same things over and over. She'd already said the things that were looping through her mind.

"Oh yeah, what music? Who's your favorite?" Shawn thought changing the subject might help ease her mind.

"Only the good stuff, ya know? Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Metallica, ACDC, The Rolling Stones. Oh, Bob Dylan and David Bowie too."

Maya didn't get to talk about music much. Riley didn't really have the same music taste.

"Hell yeah. Great taste kid. I love those bands too. You're into some of the classics." Shawn chuckled a bit. Of course Maya was into classic rock. "I'll have to share my CD collection someday."

Now Maya laughed. "Okay old man. No one listens to CDs anymore, but I'd go for it."

"Hey, when the internet crashes down someday and people can't stream their music, I'll still have all my favorites."

"So, who's your favorite then?" Maya asked.

"Well, when I was your age it was a band called Counting Crows. But these days I like a few smaller musicians and bands I've seen while traveling. There's also a few Italian rock bands I like and some classy French singers I'm into. Seriously, I'll pull some CDs to lend you next time I'm in New York."

"Wait, do you know what they're saying in Italian and French?" Maya was surprised, she could speak Spanish pretty well, but she didn't expect Shawn to know so many languages.

"Mostly yeah. I know Spanish and some Dutch too. I don't know why; I just pick it up pretty well. A bit of an idiot savant I guess."

Maya had to say she was impressed. It must come in handy for him when he's traveling. "Wow. I only know some Spanish from the people in my neighborhood. I can't imagine speaking five languages."

"I certainly didn't try very hard to do it. My brain just picked up on it pretty easily. One of the only things my brain did well for me. Didn't do me well in math or history or anything." Shawn smiled. He supposed it was kind of impressive to know a bit of each language. He didn't get to speak in them a lot, but he did read and listen to music in the other languages to keep himself engaged.

Maya yawned and realized they had been talking longer than she thought they had.

"I'm glad you called Maya, but do you think you might be able to get some sleep tonight? It is a school night." Shawn would talk to her as long as she needed but he hoped her mind was off her dad and she could rest.

"Yeah... Yeah. I guess I am pretty tired now. Thanks for talking to me tonight. I kind of didn't know what to do. I didn't know who else to talk to about everything."

"Well, I did say I was out here for you. So, I'm glad I could help. Call anytime."

"Night Shawn."

"Goodnight Maya."

Shawn ended the call and put his phone on the nightstand next to him. He just stared at the hotel carpet for a minute. He wasn't really sure how he was feeling. He almost felt normal, like he hadn't just had an emotional conversation with Maya. It was weird to him that he wasn't upset after having to talk about his past. He'd just talked about his parents and helped Maya through her own issue with her runaway dad, and he wasn't unsettled. He got up for some water and knew he needed to get back to sleep. He climbed back into bed and his eyelids felt heavy. He thought about all the CDs in his cabin that he wanted to pull out for Maya to listen to and he fell back asleep.

To Shawn's surprise, he slept well. He went through his morning routine and really thought about what he had told Maya. He felt good about the advice he gave her. He knew firsthand the struggles she was facing in those heavy emotions, and he knew she was strong enough to get through it. He had torn himself apart for years not being able to forgive himself, thinking he had to find a way to forgive his parents. He'd had so many people over the years tell him that forgiving them was the only way to move forward. But he discovered you can move on and get better without absolving an abuser of their sins. He figured he was doing okay this morning because it kind of did help him to help Maya. To be able to share the knowledge that he had to fight to learn for himself, was a bit uplifting. To know she might not have to struggle as hard as he did to find peace. It gave him a little proof that maybe he was going to be okay at this father-figure thing.