Shawn didn't go back to the Matthews' for dinner that night. He took a walk for a while and then stopped into a café that was having a poetry reading. He sat and listened to young poets pouring their pain into words and it made him reminisce on the old days, before he left New York City.
He had never told anyone, but back when they all first moved to the city, Shawn sometimes found himself at a few underground poetry nights. He didn't like to read his poetry to everyone, but he found it cathartic to be around people who would understand. He liked to listen to other people who had the courage to get up and be so vulnerable to a room full of strangers. After the whole incident at the college poetry reading, it took him a while to get comfortable sharing his work. He would never tell Cory, but he did share two of his poems at a poetry open mic in the back of an unknown bookstore so many years ago. But now, he couldn't imagine doing it again. He had been thinking of publishing a book of his poetry, but he had no desire to read his poems out loud to anyone. He had years' worth of poems that he knew were good; he just didn't know if he was ready for everyone else to read them.
He sat in the corner of the café and listened to a young woman's poem about her grandmother's death. He heard the lament of a man who'd been imprisoned for a few years back in 1989 for crimes he didn't commit. Another woman vividly compared her mental health to that of a wobbly, squeaking ceiling fan in her bedroom at a halfway house. Always spinning, functioning well enough, but a little bit loose and annoying; looking as if it would fall down at any moment, crushing her beneath its blades. But somehow, staying up, always spinning.
Shawn could relate. He felt safe here. The weight of his day was lost for a while.
As the last poet finished up, he figured he needed to head back to his hotel room and do some writing for himself. He checked his phone to see if he missed a text from Cory. He didn't want to feel anxious, but he knew he would feel better knowing how the girls were doing. There were no notifications.
Finally, about an hour later, after he got some take-out and was opening the door to his room, his phone dinged with a text from Cory.
"The girls are okay. We talked a little more and they're really sitting with it. They have their worries and their curiosities, but they care so much about you. They just needed time to take it all in and understand it for themselves. I'm proud of you for getting through today. Let me know if you need anything."
Shawn could feel his body relax. He took a deep breath and just stood in the middle of his hotel room. He ran his hand over his face and tried to assess how he really felt now. He had successfully explained pieces of his complex mental health and fucked up past to the kids he cares most about on this planet. He got through the conversation he'd feared for 15 years and he was okay.
He sat down and journaled, processing his day and the relief he finally felt with being known by all the people that he loves. He had successfully replaced the toxic, abusive, and enabling people in his life with people who see him for who he really is and love him wholly.
It was slightly overwhelming. He felt the tears welling up in his eyes and he didn't try to stop them. He let every emotion have its time to be validated and felt. He had finally made himself into a better man than he ever thought he could possibly be, and he was still growing; he was still getting better.
When Riley was born, he was still so broken and even when good things happened, he was still always on the edge, waiting to fall. He didn't want her to see that. He would babysit her and just wonder when she was going to start asking about his cuts, his scars, the dead look in his eyes. He didn't want her to ever see it. She was pure joy and love when he felt like pure pain and hopelessness. He didn't want her to meet those emotions through him.
When he left New York with Angela, he had truly convinced himself that he was suddenly going to be better. He really believed that if he were constantly on the move, his problems wouldn't be able to find him. Problem was, it was all inside of him anyway; the baggage he carried with him for a decade, across all 50 states, was so much heavier than he could have imagined. He let it drag him into the worst parts of himself because he'd given up the people who saw the good in him. He found people on the road that were just like him, jumping from place to place, burying themselves a little bit at a time along the way. Not all bad people, but not all ones who were good for him either. It was easier to lose himself when no one was really looking out for him.
But now, the near six years of sobriety really hit him. There's a confidence he has now to be able to say that next month he'll be clean six years. He doesn't rip open his skin and pour poison down his throat when things get hard. He doesn't have to shut himself up and turn himself off to get through each day. He never could have imagined that he could get here. That he'd be falling in love with normalcy and family. He didn't think he'd ever stop running.
As his body and mind caught up with each other, he finally felt like he'd processed his emotional day. He showered, ate his long-neglected dinner, and fell asleep with the TV on.
Around 10 the next morning, he wakes up to a text from Katy. He didn't really have plans for the day, so he had slept in.
"Brunch? I'll tell you about my yesterday if you tell me about yours?"
Shawn smiles as he reads her text and agrees to meet at a brunch spot in an hour. He feels optimistic about the day, but he also feels some lingering sadness that he can't quite place. He tries to ground himself and focus on getting ready. He feels calm start to set in as he heads out the door, knowing he'll have a nice afternoon with Katy.
She gives him a quick kiss when he gets to the corner café. The little restaurant has an outdoor patio and it's one of Katy and Maya's regular spots in the neighborhood. It's cheap but good food and the owner is a nice older woman who has grown fond of Katy over the years.
Shawn sits at the table with Katy and they order their coffees.
"So, how'd the audition go?" Shawn asks first. He doesn't really want to talk about his life before they even get their coffee.
"It was good. I mean, I don't think I got it, but I did get pretty far. They had me read with a couple different people and I was there for a while."
"They'd be crazy not to give it to you. What makes you think you didn't get it?"
"Oh, well I just don't know if I truly embody the character of 'sad woman with fever' as well as they'd like me to. But it's okay. Every audition is practice for the next one, ya know?"
Shawn laughed a bit. He would watch anything Katy was in, no matter what it was. Annoying commercials, bad b-movies, low budget tv pilots.
"That's a good way of looking at it. Maybe next time, show up with an actual fever. They'll have to give you the role."
Katy smiled. "You might be onto something there. I'll have to prepare better for the next audition."
Their coffees come and they order their food. Shawn can feel himself becoming more alive as the coffee slides into his system.
"Well, you had a big day yesterday too. Did you want to talk about how it went? Maya slept over at Riley's, so I haven't really heard anything." Katy asks after taking a sip of her coffee.
Shawn set his coffee on the black metal patio table and watched the liquid settle in the mug. He didn't really know where to begin.
"Cory told me the girls are doing okay. It was a shock for them. Part of me wonders if I had just worn a t-shirt to Christmas when I first came home, maybe it all wouldn't seem like such a big deal. But it's fine. They listened. They asked questions. They figured some things out… I don't know. It's weird to not know what's going on inside their smart little brains, ya know?"
Shawn sighed.
Katy reached across the table and held Shawn's hand. "But how are you doing with all of it?"
Shawn looked at their hands and he almost smiled.
"I'm good. I feel okay. I feel better without this big secret I was hiding but not hiding on purpose really… It's just strange that now they know that when I was their age I was dying. I can't imagine Riley and Maya going through what Cory and I did… It's weird to see how young they are and know that's how young I was. I finally understand the panic all the adults around me must have been feeling all the time."
"It must have been hard to talk about. I'm glad you were able to tell them."
"Yeah… me too. I mean, 20 years later and I'm sitting around talking about it. I never saw that coming for myself. It feels good to be on the other side of it."
Katy smiled and gently squeezed his hand. "20 years later, and I'm happy you're here to talk about it."
Their food came out and they had a nice meal together. Enjoying the summer sun on the patio and the good company they never thought they'd find. Shawn didn't think back to the bus station bathroom or the hospital bed he was in two decades ago. He didn't dwell on the way his arms used to look, young and free of scars before he marred them with pain and desperation.
He just enjoyed the light he found on a summer day after so many years of darkness.
"So, I'm taking the girls to a play in central park later this afternoon. Would you want to come along?" Katy asked as they finished eating.
"Yeah. I'd like that."
Shawn thought it would be a good idea to see the girls again. He only had a few days left before he had to leave again for work, and he wanted to make sure that they really were okay with him. He had to make sure things weren't weird between them.
After paying for brunch, Shawn and Katy took their time commuting to the Matthews' apartment. It was a train ride and a little walk, and Shawn just enjoyed being out with her. He knew he was going to be alone again for quite some time once he left the city.
They let themselves up, but Shawn knocked on the door instead of using his key. He didn't want to barge in since he doesn't know how everyone else is doing today.
"Shawnie! Katy! Come on in. I think the girls are still in their bay window." Cory says as he opens the door. He hugs Shawn as Katy goes to sit on the couch. "How are you two doing today?"
"We're good. It's a great day for a play." Katy replies.
"Looks like it." Cory smiles. He looks Shawn over quickly and doesn't see any tension. He just sees his best friend, happy, and ready to enjoy a nice summer day. Free to be himself. It makes Cory hopeful.
Riley and Maya casually come through the hall, not realizing Shawn was going to be there too. They didn't mind, they're just a little surprised.
"Hey girls, you ready for some outdoor theatre?" Katy asked, emphasizing the the-a-tre. She gets off the couch looks the girls over. They're adorable as ever but they seem a little more subdued than they usually are. There's less of a bounce in their steps.
Maya looks at Shawn for a moment, definitely noticing his short sleeve shirt. It makes sense. It's June. He should be wearing what he's wearing. It's just a new and obvious change now. Her brain is still wrapping itself around what Shawn has actually been through. She only stares for a second before looking at her mom.
"Yeah. We're ready. What's it called again?"
"We don't know which play they'll do, but it's Shakespeare in the Park. It happens every summer since the 60s." Shawn answers. He was excited Katy was taking the girls and was happy she invited him. He hadn't gone since the summer Riley was born.
As they left the apartment and headed for the park, things seemed normal enough. To anyone passing by, they would just look like a little family enjoying the nice day together. Shawn tried to chalk it up to his own anxiety, but he felt like Maya and Riley didn't know how to talk to him anymore. He felt a little out of place.
Maya asked her mom about the audition and Katy was animated and fun as she told them all the details. They talked a little bit about Shakespeare and Katy told them all about a community production of Romeo and Juliet she was in during her early 20s. Shawn was grateful that Katy could fill the conversation. Maybe it was Shawn who didn't know how to talk to the girls anymore. He wasn't quite sure.
He tried to focus on being normal. He bought them all milkshakes as they neared the park and found seats. Katy knew seats filled up fast, so they got there a little early.
"I'm gonna head to the bathroom," Katy mentioned after they settled. "Maya, come with?"
"Sure. You need to go Riles?" Maya asked.
"I'm okay. Ask me again right in the middle of the play though." Riley smiled and sat next to Shawn. She watched Maya and her mom work their way through the crowd and sipped her milkshake.
"Everything's okay, Uncle Shawn. You know that, right?" Riley said, looking over to him. He seemed to relax a little.
"Uh, thanks Riley. That's good to hear." Shawn gave her a small smile.
"You know, I wish I could remember being a baby. I wish I could remember the times you would babysit. I bet they were fun."
Shawn laughed a little. "We got into some trouble. Well, mainly you. You once colored all over the coffee table Grandma gave me and Eric for our apartment. It was a nice addition to the décor."
"How very me of me." Riley smiled, imagining the scribbles she used to make all over a nice clean coffee table.
"Yeah. Those were my favorite days… I'm sorry we didn't have more of them."
Shawn's policy for himself was not to focus on his regrets in life. He had a lot and it didn't do him any good to wonder how life would have been different if he had made different choices. But he would be lying if he hadn't had his fair share of nights wondering if he would have gotten better sooner if he would have stayed.
"It's okay. I understand why you would need to leave... Did you think your sadness would change me?"
There was Riley, again, figuring out what Shawn hadn't found a way to say. He just had to look at her for a moment. He really loved her so much, this combination of his two best friends. She somehow got the best parts of both of them.
"I think, kind of, yeah… I mean. You were just this perfect little creature with so much joy and I just kept imagining letting you down as you grew up because I wouldn't be able to keep up."
"I'm glad you thought to protect me, but I think it would have been okay. I know you won't let me down. And I know I'm young and don't know everything about this world yet, but I know a good person when I see one, and you're a good person. Maya and I… we wouldn't change you for anyone in the world… I just thought you should know."
Shawn turned in his seat a little and hugged her.
"Don't let this world ever make you hard Riley. Your optimism and love is needed to make the world a better place."
The line for the bathroom was a little longer than Katy and Maya anticipated, but Katy figured it was probably a good chance to talk.
"How are you doing Maya? I heard yesterday was a lot." Katy knew Maya was tough but there are some things in life that are harder to process than others.
Maya watched the people milling around the park, arriving to find seats or buy snacks from food carts. "Did you know mom? Like, did he tell you everything?"
"He hasn't told me everything, just like I haven't told him everything. But we talked a bit. I saw his scars and I've seen how he handles himself when things get hard. I see that he's a good man."
"Yeah, but we don't really know him. How do you trust someone you don't know?"
"We don't always get to know everything about people before we have to make our choices. We have to give people a chance to show themselves to us. He's already done so much for us. He deserves that chance with our love and trust."
Maya was quiet for a moment before she replied flatly. "Okay."
She still didn't know how she felt. She did trust Shawn. Really, she did. She liked having him around and she liked being able to call him if she needed. But there was something else now. Maybe it was fear. Fear of losing something she thought it was safe to hope for. The potential for immense pain if everything went wrong.
She didn't know if she could talk about this yet.
So, she doesn't. They're next in line for the restroom and then they head back to their seats. She sits next to Riley and her mom sits next to Shawn. She's not ignoring Shawn. She just doesn't have anything to say to him right now. They all talk about the play when it's done, and she responds to him just like she responds to her mom and to Riley. But she's grateful they don't have to talk about yesterday. She's grateful that he had to work again soon.
The rest of his week is uneventful, and Shawn welcomes the change. He's had enough long talks about his past and because of that, he knows that part of him is aching to run away for a while.
When all else fails, he knows he'll feel better after spending some time in the woods. He needed time in nature to decompress and have space away from the city. He knew everything was okay between him and everyone at home, but he had a lot to think about. He knew it wouldn't come until he was away from it all.
Luckily, his summer assignment started at a campground in Michigan. The upper peninsula was a hot spot for Midwesterners needing nature getaways. He hadn't been there for several years and was more than happy to go back now. Now that he was different.
He found it funny how his opinion on places changes with each version of himself. When he was younger and trying to distract himself, he loved the cities and found nature too revealing. It demanded a quietness from him that he hadn't been comfortable with back then. Now it's what he craved most. He would hike and fish and kayak and write. He'd listen to the trees and watch the birds. He would spend time with himself in a way he used to hate.
He felt refreshed at the end of June when his editor sent him to Chicago for all of July. He was familiar enough with Chicago and he had a few old friends he could see. He'd met a few people in an AA meeting for atheists and agnostics several years ago and they helped him quite a bit. He was always grateful when he had sober friends to hang out with in any given city. There were some places where he still only knew the addicts and partiers.
He was driving the six hours from Michigan to Chicago when he got a call from Maya.
He wasn't expecting it and he wasn't really sure what she'd want to talk about this time. They hadn't talked since he left New York. He put his phone on speaker as he drove and hoped things weren't going to get heavy.
"Hey Maya, what's going on?"
"Hiya Shawn. Not much over here or anything. Uh, what's up with you. You still camping in Michigan?"
"Just left actually. I'm on my way to Chicago."
"Oh. That's cool. I've never been to Chicago. Is it a lot like New York?"
"Kinda. Chicago is smaller, a little friendlier, a little cheaper. They're similar but you can definitely sense the difference. You'll see it someday, I know it."
Shawn would love to take Maya to Chicago. He'd love to take her to so many of the cool places he's seen. He knows how it feels to have such a small view of life from a small home in a big city. It gets claustrophobic after a while.
"Yeah, that'd be cool. I love New York, but man, there's so much else out there." Maya dreams of traveling like Shawn gets to travel. She would love to escape the tallest buildings and dirtiest streets but she would hate to leave Riley the way Shawn left Cory.
Honestly, he's glad to hear her talk that way. He remembers when he could barely dream of how to get out of the trailer park. The way he didn't believe he'd get to go to college or even leave Philly. He was happy Maya has dreams for herself.
"There really is, but you've got time. You can see whatever you want someday. I never thought I'd get out of Philly, and here I am now."
There was silence for a moment. Shawn knew the routine with Maya. Sometimes it took her a little bit to finally say what she wanted. She was always direct with her questions, but there was usually some hesitancy as she worked her way through small talk.
"Shawn, how could you leave Cory behind?" Maya finally asked. "Like, I get that you needed to travel and see the world, I want to do that too, but did you ever feel selfish because you went off on your own?"
"Oh. Well… Yeah. I guess. I was pretty selfish in a lot of ways. But sometimes in order to get better, you have to be selfish. Being selfish means focusing on yourself, ignoring the expectations and the hopes of other people so you can figure out what you expect from yourself. And honestly, Cory and I needed to be apart. He was starting a family and I was falling apart again. We'd been through so much together that I made the decision to put space between us."
"I can't imagine putting space between me and Riley."
Maya had been thinking a lot about that lately. Not that she was going to leave Riley, but that as people get older and grow, life changes and Maya knew she had goals that Riley didn't have. She knew that she wouldn't always be able to climb through a window to see her best friend. What she couldn't imagine was not seeing her best friend for 11 years. It scared her to think that could happen to best friends.
"Sometimes life puts space between people for good reasons. It's only in that space that we were able to grow the way we needed to… I missed him all the time, but I was missing parts of myself that I had to go find."
Shawn sighed and was actually glad he had driving to focus on while he talked. The open road calmed him instead of letting him overthink what he was saying.
"Maya, I have another secret that I think I should let you in on. When I was 23, I wrote a book. Got it published, went on a book tour, the whole deal. It's fiction, but like a lot of other books, it's got some truths about the author between the lines. It should be on the bookshelf in the hallway at the Matthews'. It's called Saving Hunter and I think you might want to read it."
As far as secrets about Shawn went, Maya was happy about this one. She could feel something near excitement brewing in her chest. It felt like a special way to get to know another piece of him. One that she could unravel at her own pace.
"I'm not much of a reader, but I'll check it out." Maya knew she would go find it when she went over to Riley's later in the day.
"Well, if you want to talk when you finish it, just let me know… Are you doing okay though? Summer's treating you well?" Shawn knew it was a good sign that Maya had called him. Their dynamic was still the same.
"Yeah. You know me, I'm always doin' alright. I just think a lot of things sometimes."
"I know how that is… Hey, I don't know what you're thinking, but you should know, you and Riley aren't Cory and I. We've got a lot of years on you two. You can't be us and we can't be you. Don't think you're destined to run away from Riley just because you came from different places. Stick together and don't worry too much about what will happen down the line."
"Thanks Shawn… speaking of which, I gotta head out. I'm meeting Riley soon. I'll talk to you later though… Enjoy Chicago."
"I will. I'm glad you called."
Shawn hung up and just kept driving. He never thought about sharing the book he wrote with the girls. It's not that he wasn't proud of it, it's just not something he really talked about anymore. It was good for him to write and get out at the time, but it had come and gone with the times. He knew there were still depressed teens out there reading it, relating to it. He would get an email from time to time from new readers expressing how it helped them. But he had moved on. A lot of time had passed. Now, he thought about it only because he thinks it might help Maya understand him a little better. It might help her see a part of him without him having to explain.
He could only hope.
July in Chicago is hot. There are so many festivals to go to and there are so many people everywhere. He finds himself enjoying his days out, photographing events and talking to locals about summer in the city. But he's almost always back at his hotel at a decent time in the evening, not wanting to be out with the drunk and rowdy late-night crowd. He discovers he's starting to get annoyed with the bigger crowds and misses his tent and the forest in Michigan.
He does take the time to celebrate though. He hits six years sober and he hangs out with his old friends from AA. He first met them in the two years he was sober in his 20s. He was 26 and in Chicago for January. It sucked. Chicago winters were different from almost any other state and he hated it. But he found a meeting and made four new friends who helped him through. He lost touch when he fell off the wagon, but he met up with them again at 31. And now here he was again at 36. Two of the old gang had moved away, but Charlie and Hannah were still around. They had actually gotten married just a year ago.
They were delighted that he was in town and were more than willing to celebrate his six years. They took him to a sober barbeque that their friends were having, and Shawn met some more cool people. He felt good. He knew the city was starting to overwhelm him but being here with old friends was helpful. It grounded him again.
Which was all the more helpful when Maya called him again near the end of the month. Shawn sat on a bench in the park he was at. It was quiet where he was, most of the families were by the lake and he was further out from the running path and the baseball game happening on the other end of the park. It was a beautiful day.
"You know, I don't normally read on summer vacation," Maya admitted once Shawn answered the phone.
"Yeah, I was never one for summer reading lists either. That was more Topanga's thing." Shawn smiled, remembering how Topanga loved checking books off her list and bragging about how prepared she'd be next school year.
"You wrote a pretty good book Shawn. I don't like how it ends, but I get it… It's about you and Cory, right? You're Hunter and Jacob represents Cory."
Maya settled onto her bed and stared at the book on her nightstand. She knew how it felt in her hands, the hardcover just a little bit worn but overall, just an average book, no different from any of the other ones on a shelf. But now that she'd finished it, it looked so heavy. Like once the emotions on the page get read, they add to the physical weight of item.
"Basically, yeah… You asked before why I had to have space from Cory, and it was kind of hard to explain. I wrote that book when I realized what everything I was doing to myself was doing to him. He was too invested in my life when I wasn't. But I didn't want anything bad to happen to him. I didn't want my pain to envelope his life. My pain was causing him pain and I was terrified of losing him. So, clearly, it's a work of fiction, but it has the truth of my biggest fear."
"Yeah, losing Riley is my biggest fear too. No one should have to lose their best friend." Maya's voice was soft.
"I've met a few people in life who've gone through it. It's devastating. And I was putting Cory through that fear all the time. I just couldn't stop, so I had to go. It wasn't fair, but it was the only way I could think of to keep him safe."
"So, how much of Hunter's past, is your past?"
Maya wasn't sure he'd want to answer that, but she had wondered the whole time she was reading. The descriptions of the abuse his parents inflicted were so vivid. The multiple suicide attempts and the years of self-harm were such prominent parts of the main character that Maya knew pretty quickly this was a clear representation of Shawn's life.
"Most of it. I changed some of the situations, but the emotions were all mine. The pain and fear and sadness came from me. They say write about what you know, so I did."
He didn't remember all the details of the book anymore, but he remembered keeping certain things out about his own life and enhancing other parts. "I think he had more suicide attempts than I did."
"I'm sorry… Some of it made me cry." It took Maya 3 weeks to read the whole book. It was overwhelming, knowing the scenes of self-harm and abuse were only written on the page because Shawn had lived them.
"Me too," he admitted. "But it helped to write it all down. It was kind of like therapy during a time I didn't want to do actual therapy."
"But Cory… He never tried anything, did he? Not like Jacob did in the book," Maya asked cautiously. She was a little afraid of the answer.
Shawn sighed. He wouldn't tell Cory's side of the story. Wouldn't talk about the nights Cory decided he wouldn't live without Shawn.
"No… no. But Cory struggled a lot with what was happening with me. When I was laying in hospital beds recovering from various things, he had to think about life without me. He had to think about whether life without your best friend is worth living."
Maya didn't really know what to say to that. She had thought about it so many times as she finished the book. What would she do if she had to live without Riley? She would probably crumble.
"Thanks for letting me read it."
"I'm glad you were able to get through it. I know it might have been a lot… I didn't really warn you about how heavy it would be. But… I know you said you wanted to know more, you wanted to understand." Shawn stared at a family of geese as they walked out of some bushes and settled near a tree across from him.
"I know it helped a lot of depressed kids back in the day, but I also wish I had written a better ending. One where Hunter doesn't live with anger and sadness the rest of his life. I wish I'd had a bit more hope."
"Yeah, but isn't that the point? How could you write about something you didn't have for yourself? He was never going to get better because he didn't feel like he deserved to. He would always run from his past and his pain because it was easier than sitting with what had happened."
"Maya, be careful, if you keep up with this literary analysis, you might just get a good grade in English next year," Shawn joked.
"Yeah, yeah. I'll never let 'em know I can read." Maya smiled but still felt a little sad. It was strange to hear his voice so strong and confident after reading his book that had a voice so strained and sad.
"I guess the point is, now I know better. Now I know we don't have to live in our tragedies. I just wish I'd known that sooner."
"Better late than never." Maya suddenly felt a little calmer. It was soothing to hear him explain the reasons he'd written such a painful book. It was helpful to have this part of him spell out the things he couldn't say when she saw his scars. She felt closer to him. She felt like he trusted her more and she could trust him in return. She was a little less scared.
Shawn chuckled. "Well, you're right about that."
"Hey, I gotta go, mom says dinner is ready. I'm glad we talked though."
"Yeah, me too. Say hi to your mom for me."
A few days later, Shawn decides to take some real time off work.
His decision came as he walked by a rally some activists were having downtown. It wasn't a huge crowd, but it filled half the plaza. He joined in from the side, taking a few photos. There were a couple speakers and then a couple poets. Shawn was oddly captivated.
He listened to the power these poets could produce with their verse and Shawn realized as much as he couldn't speak his poems with that kind of emphasis, he was ready for other people to read them. To feel captivated by them. To digest them quietly for themselves in the comfort of their own home or under the shade of their favorite tree. He doesn't want to read his poems loudly in front of everyone. He wants to quietly whisper them to people with the sound of their own voice.
So, he gets the time. He takes off all of August and knows that when he's finished in Chicago, he'll go lock himself in his cabin with his decades of journals. He'll curate a poetry book that explains where he's been for the last half of his life. He'll find a way to explain himself again. Not hidden behind characters in a YA book, but through his own lens. His most vulnerable thoughts left to speak for themselves as he lets himself be seen.