Traveling the United States is wonderful for Shawn, but he's been doing it for a decade. So, taking his new wife to Figi, is probably the best trip he's ever been on. It's the most vibrant and fun place he's ever been, but that might also have something to do with the company he's with.
Katy and Shawn spend two weeks in Figi. They don't worry about work or the kids or anything that isn't just spending time together. Shawn finds himself sleeping more soundly with Katy by his side and he actually enjoys opening up to her about things he used to hate to talk about. It's easier with her.
Their conversations aren't forced, and Shawn doesn't feel rushed to share things, he just does, because Katy cares.
It first happens when they're sitting on the beach. A father is teaching his son how to swim and Shawn thinks it's adorable. It reminds him of when he was at the beach with Jon in California and they were teaching Thomas to swim so many years ago. This made Shawn a little sad, though, he wished it didn't.
"Hey, what's going on in that head of yours?" Katy notices Shawn's distraction. It's not a big mood change, he just seemed to go away in his head for a little bit.
"Oh, sorry… I just, I wish Jon could have made it to the wedding. Our wedding was amazing, but I know he really wanted to be there… I think I really wanted him to be there."
Katy smiled and kissed Shawn's suntanned shoulder. "I would love to meet him. You used to live with him right? Maya mentioned it once, Mr. Turner? Will you tell me about him?"
Shawn held her hand and looked away from the father and son.
"Yeah. He took me in after my parents left. He was just my English teacher, had no idea what to do with a fucked up teenager, but he fought for me when I wouldn't fight for myself. I was with him for like 4 years. Then he had to move to California, but he kept in touch. He showed up for me when I needed him… I lived with him again when I was 25 for a bit. He's kind of like the dad I chose instead of the one I grew up with."
"I'm glad you had someone there for you like that. He sounds like a really good man."
"Yeah, he is. I wouldn't have made it here without him. He was there for so many of my lowest moments, I think I'm just a little sad he couldn't be there for one of the happiest." Shawn kissed Katy's hand and leaned on her shoulder.
"There so many more happy moments left for us to have Shawn. It sounds like he'll always be around for them. How about we have dinner with him when we get back?"
Shawn smiles and agrees. He shares some of the funnier stories of his time with Jon and some of the harmless trouble he used to get into that drove Jon crazy. It felt nice to share some funnier memories instead of always dwelling on the bad ones.
Coming home from the honeymoon is a bit surreal. Shawn sometimes catches a glimpse of his wedding ring and remembers that he's not alone anymore. He moves a few things into Katy's apartment, but he doesn't have much. He is keeping his cabin and he is still going to have to travel for work. In fact, he's scheduled to leave in two weeks for his assignment in Connecticut. Shawn is grateful it's not a big trip. He'll only be gone for a couple weeks.
He makes use of his last bit of time off and sets up dinner plans with Jon.
Katy is elated to get to meet Jon. Knowing that Shawn doesn't have a lot of family, she wants to cherish and be accepted by the family he does have. Jon seems to be the most important influence in Shawn's life and Katy feels a little honored to meet him.
Jon's smile was wider than it had ever been upon seeing Shawn. He was always happy to see the kid, but having the couple standing on his doorstep made Jon beam with pride. The fact that Shawn could allow himself to be loved, made Jon so overwhelmingly happy. Katy was everything Shawn deserved.
"Wow! I just can't believe this. Shawn and Shawn's wife. I can't believe I get to say that. Come on in." Jon let them in the house and hugged them both.
"It's so nice to meet you Mr. Turner. Shawn has spoken so highly of you." Katy smiled.
"Don't you dare. Call me, Jon."
Katy laughed a bit and Shawn held her hand. He let himself be present with this moment he hadn't been able to imagine before, introducing the most important woman in his life to the most important father in his life.
It did feel a little bizarre. Jon had been around when Shawn was a dumb teen having 2-week flings with every girl in school. He had seen the fallout from when Angela left. Now he was here to see Shawn actually settle down. He wondered how this felt for Jon.
"Well, Melissa is just about ready and then we can all head out to the restaurant." Jon motioned for them to sit in the living room for a bit.
"So, tell me about the wedding, the honeymoon. What's Figi like?"
"Oh, it's beautiful," Katy sighed longingly. "We went scuba diving, relaxed in the hot springs, ate the most wonderful food… I never thought I'd ever get to go somewhere like that, but Shawn is quite the travel expert. It was the perfect balance of relaxation and adventure."
"I better be an expert, or I should change careers at this point," Shawn chuckled. "It was probably the best place I've ever gone. But it helps that I had a travel partner this time…"
"Oh, and the wedding was such a beautiful surprise," Katy squeezed Shawn's hand and saw how relaxed he was. She loved him more and more each day. "We tried planning things and I just got too overwhelmed. But Shawn just put everything together and it was perfect."
Jon smiled and looked at the couple. He could only imagine what Shawn would come up with. "Well, Shawn is pretty good with the element of surprise. I am sorry I couldn't be there."
"It's alright, really. The timing just didn't work out." Shawn shifted in his seat slightly. He really was okay. He didn't feel hurt or need apologies. He was the one who planned a last-minute wedding.
"Well, even so, it sounds like it was a really good wedding…" Jon said as Katy switched to his side of the couch.
She pulled out her phone and showed Jon a couple pictures from the wedding and even more from Figi.
"Oh, don't show these to Melissa," Jon joked, "or next thing I know I'm gonna have to find a way to take her there."
"Laugh all you want Jon, but you're gonna have to whisk me away somewhere adventurous soon. We must have an anniversary coming up sometime." Melissa says as she walks into the room, kissing him on the cheek.
After introducing Katy and Melissa, they all head out to the restaurant. Shawn revels in the fact that he's out to dinner with his family and everyone is enjoying each other's company. He doesn't think about what it would be like if Katy met his real dad. He doesn't worry about how he got to this point or what could go wrong. He just lets himself be happy.
Katy and Shawn share more stories about Figi. Jon talks about the school conference he spoke at. Melissa updates Shawn about how Tomas is doing. She shares stories from her new job and eventually they ask about Shawn's work too.
"Do you have to get back on the road soon? I'm sure your boss wants you back," Jon asks.
"Yeah. I'm going to Connecticut for a bit next week… But I've got something else in the works. I'm hoping I could use it to take a bit more time off," Shawn admits.
"Oh? I'm intrigued." Jon knows that with Shawn, this could mean anything.
"I started putting together a book of my old poetry," Shawn tells him.
"Well now I'm hooked. When'd you start this?" Jon leans back in his chair, excited that he'd have more of Shawn's work to read.
"Beginning of August. It's a collection of my poetry from the last 12 years or so. Basically, all my time away from New York."
"Well, you know, as your English teacher, I'm going to need you to turn that into me as soon as possible. I did give you a pretty good grade on your last one."
Shawn laughed again. "Don't worry Jon, you'll get it soon. It's just a bit different… You guys know what I've been through over the past decade. It's not an easy read."
Now it was Jon's turn to laugh. "Neither was your other one Hunter."
Katy still hadn't read Shawn's other book. Honestly, she only learned about it on the honeymoon when he mentioned his new book. She was curious but she also understood that it came from a different part of him. She wasn't in a rush to read it unless he really wanted her to.
Melissa had only read it once when it came out. She didn't like to think about how hard things used to be for Shawn. She had been there for him right along with Jon, and Shawn was like a son to her. She didn't like to dwell in his pain, and Shawn liked that from her. She'll be glad to read his poetry book, but she knows it will probably make her cry.
At the end of the evening, Jon pulls Shawn aside while Katy and Melissa are talking about a show they're both obsessed with. Shawn is glad they get along so well. He had known they would.
Jon puts his hand on Shawn's shoulder. "I'm really proud of you Shawn. I hope you know that. Katy seems to be an amazing woman and seeing you two together is a dream come true."
"Thanks Jon. Um… It means a lot that you've been there for me through everything and now we're here. I sometimes still can't believe that I almost gave all this up so many times just because I didn't know it was waiting for me."
"The point is that you kept going even when you couldn't imagine it. You deserve all the happiness you've found… All the happiness you've created. I know this poetry book of yours is gonna be sad, but I'm still holding out for the day you write the sappiest, fluffiest, least tragic thing ever to be written."
Shawn laughed. "I'm sure we'll get there."
Connecticut is nice for early November. It's not a difficult assignment. There are a few new revamped hiking trails that he needs to check out and the last kayaking competition of the year that he needs to cover. His editor wants him to experience the last of the fall season for the small seaside town.
Mostly, this feels like a personal test. One he's placed upon himself. His first trip alone since becoming a married man.
For the past few weeks, he tried not to think about how he would feel alone on the road again. He loves his job. He knows that. He doesn't want to fall out of love with traveling just because he's fallen in love with stability. But the results of his test come in pretty quickly as he finds himself feeling lonelier than he thought he would.
It's nice to have time and space alone again. He enjoys exploring and talking to the people in the town, but he misses Katy every night. He hates not being able to see her face at the end of the day and talk about what they both got up to. He doesn't like that he can't see Maya when she comes home from school and ask her how her day went.
He calls or texts Katy every day and he can feel that his focus has shifted. He just doesn't need all this time alone anymore.
The nail in the coffin comes when he wakes up from a nightmare after a week and a half away. He dreamt he was driving and the road never ended. There was never an exit to get off the highway. He just kept going and going, driving past the New York skyline but never being able to get into the city. An old girlfriend he had for a month while he was drunk in Texas was in the car with him. She just kept going on and on about how they needed to settle for each other because 'with lives like theirs, this was the best they were going to get.'
As far as nightmares go, Shawn had definitely had worse. It wasn't so much the imagery or the themes this time, but the panic he felt. The loneliness as he sat next to this woman he had barely remembered in his waking life.
He woke up and couldn't even remember her name, but her voice had been so clear as she sat next to him, trying to convince him to give up on settling in New York, they were never going to be accepted there.
He reminded himself he was already accepted. He spun the ring on his finger and sighed. It was 5 AM and he was wide awake.
He decided to use his time and his weird feelings wisely. He pulled out his computer and worked on revising his poetry book. His editors had loved what he sent but he had found a few more poems he wanted to add.
He had thought back to the conversation he had with Maya, about wishing he had written a better ending for his previous book. He knows that his decade of poetry displays such a dark place in him. But coming out of that, he knows now that he wants to include the subtle hints that hope is right around the corner. The light that had almost gone out is growing stronger now and it deserves to have a turn to speak after being silenced for so long.
By the time his alarm goes off at 7:30, he's pretty sure that he's finished with his book. He'll stop by his cabin before he heads back to New York and glance through his piles of old stuff one more time, just to make sure he hasn't missed anything, but for now, he's content to send a digital copy off to Jon.
He smiles to himself, thinking back to when he first sent Jon a copy of Saving Hunter. It felt a little bit like he feels now. Excited, but nervous to see what feedback his old English teacher will give him. Almost as if he really wants a good grade this time.
By the time Christmas comes, Shawn is home and things are… different. He can't quite tell why, but he tries to sit with himself to figure it out.
Firstly, he feels like Maya is avoiding him. It's normal for her to be at Riley's a lot, but she seems to be spending even less time at home lately. Now, the holiday season depression that he always gets is amplified because he's sitting in the apartment alone while Katy is at work and Maya avoids him.
On top of that, he feels anxious knowing that since he finished his poetry book, soon everyone will be able to read the darkest parts of his past. He would be lying if he said it didn't trigger him a little bit.
The publishers told him they can have it on the shelves in the spring and he's going to have to do promotion and marketing. He refused to do poetry readings to promote it, and the publisher isn't happy about that. They're still trying to talk him into it. He did agree to do a book tour, but he doesn't want to stand in front of people and read it out loud. It goes against everything he wanted this book to do. It isn't meant to be read with a group. It's meant to be absorbed individually. He can talk about the contents of the book, the journey it was to write everything and survive years later to put it all together. He can be there as people ask questions, but he can't have people stare at him while he reads words that the darkest version of him wrote.
Now he has so many more decisions to make, like fonts and layouts, a cover, and a title. He's glad it's keeping him busy, but it's not his favorite part of the job.
All this is to say, that Shawn knew he was having a difficult Christmas season for a myriad of reasons.
He felt alone again even as he sat with his wife at the end of the day or when he sent silly texts back and forth with Cory. He talked to his therapist, but he knew that he was just going to have to power through this and hope that Christmas day wouldn't be too bad. He felt like he had nothing positive to contribute to the holiday and that maybe it was good that Maya was with Riley. She was probably participating in the best of the Matthews' holiday traditions.
Perhaps all this is why he wakes up in a cold sweat on the couch on Christmas eve.
"No, I'm sorry- Leave them alone- You can't-" Shawn whimpers from the couch.
"Shawn?" Maya looks up from the kitchen table where she'd been drawing in her sketch pad. Her mom was out getting some last-minute groceries for a Christmas dinner she insisted on cooking for tomorrow. In their quest to be normal for Christmas, she thinks her mom might end up doing a bit too much, but Maya is just happy to be home again.
When Shawn doesn't say anything, Maya goes to wake him up. He'd probably only been sleeping for an hour.
She saw as he was falling asleep reading a book earlier. They were coexisting in the space as she drew and he read. It felt so normal, and it made her feel content. But now, he looks sadder than she's ever seen him, and she knows he must be having a nightmare.
She gently shakes him. "Shawn, wake up, it's just a dream."
Shawn opens his eyes and his sadness turns to relief for a moment before he grimaces, realizing Maya can tell he was in the middle of a nightmare.
He sits up, rubs his face for a moment, and sighs.
"Did you have a nightmare about Santa's elves chasing you around, trying to feed you coal? Cause that's the Christmas nightmare I usually have." Maya jokes, trying to make Shawn comfortable.
Shawn gave a sad smile, recognizing Maya was trying to help. He takes a deep breath and presses his palms together. "Sounds like a tough one, but no. That's… that's not really…"
He trails off, not knowing what he should do next. He doesn't want to tell her the nightmare. He doesn't want to scare her. But he can feel a few tears forming and falling, it's beyond his control but not out of control. They're simply the physical reaction to the stress he had just been buried in. He wipes them away and takes another deep breath, reminding himself that he and his wife and his step-child are safe.
Maya sits down next to him on the couch. She doesn't know what to say. She's not sure what to do. Taking stock of how Shawn is acting, this seems bigger than any witty remark she can say to pull him out of it. This seems bigger than her and she knows she has to wait for him.
"Sorry, Maya. I- I'm okay. Really. I just. Christmas is usually pretty hard for me and… whoo-" he exhales and pauses for a moment. "I just didn't expect so much to be coming up."
"It's okay… Christmas was always pretty weird for me too. I've been kind of nervous for you to see how we are around here at this time of year," Maya admits. "You can talk about it if you want… Cory said you've never really had good family Christmases."
"Ah, Cory's right about that… but he still doesn't know the half of it…"
Shawn leaned back on the couch and looked at the ceiling for a moment. He didn't want to dwell on the bad memories of Christmas. Most of them were bad. Most of them consisted of beatings from his drunk dad or being left alone as all his friends had families to celebrate with. Then in later years he was the drunk hurting himself because his dad wasn't around to do it anymore. Either way, he didn't really have any positive traditions. Even in the years that he was welcome at the Matthews' or living with Turner, he was still plagued with the melancholy and fear that Christmas instilled in him since childhood. So, his nightmare, which he fully decided he didn't want to tell either Maya or Katy, made sense to him.
He's back in the trailer, sitting in his father's chair while Maya and Katy decorate a small tree. Not just any tree, it was the only tree Shawn could ever remember having in the trailer. The one year his mother thought they should maybe try to celebrate like normal people.
He wasn't drinking, but there was a beer in his hand. His father's beer, to be precise. It felt like ice in his hand, and he shivered when he realized his father was suddenly standing behind him. "Mighty nice family you found there Shawnie. Sure would be a shame if something happened to them." Shawn tried to get out of the chair as his father went over to the girls and began to destroy the tree. He couldn't move as his father began to hurt Katy and Maya the same way he used to hurt Shawn. Shawn could only yell at his father to leave them alone, beat him instead. He could only watch as his father yelled and hit, until both Katy and Maya disappeared, and Shawn was left alone with his father and the beer that had turned from ice to fire. Shawn cried and finally threw the bottle at his father. He pushed himself out of the chair and went to face Chet- just as he woke up to Maya's worried face.
"The best Christmas I ever had was the one from two years ago." Shawn pulled his thoughts away from the nightmare.
"It was hard… ya know? Coming back after all that time, I didn't know what to expect. I had been gone for so long, but I was taking a chance. To have those conversations and to face everything I'd left, I had no idea if it would all work out."
Shawn looked over at Maya. She still seemed unsure of what to think in this moment.
"Turns out I got the best gift that year. The gift of hope and family and forgiveness."
"That's a lot of bad Christmas's Shawn. You were, 34 when you came back…" Maya was a little surprised. She remembers that Christmas being a little weird for everyone. And it was his best?
"Maya, I don't have family traditions… I didn't get presents. I was lucky if my dad got us a cheese log for dinner or Virna gave me a new toothbrush. I was usually trapped in the trailer with my dad getting drunk and forgetting that you're not supposed to hit kids. Without school or a friend's house to escape to, I was at home more often around this time of year...
Sure, later I had holidays with Cory or with Jon, but by that time, Christmas was already kind of ruined for me."
Maya swallowed the lump in her throat. She felt guilty that she had avoided him for the past few days. Yesterday she felt so selfish as Cory and Auggie put on their goofy little play about Shawn's Christmas past. She hadn't even thought about what Christmas with abusive parents would be like for him. Now the mumbling he did in his sleep made sense. Five minutes ago, he was probably trapped with them again. And she had been worried he would think they were dumb for Gimbo the Elf.
"So, let's make new traditions," she finally suggested. She didn't want to make Shawn focus on this any longer. "Mom's cooking Christmas dinner tomorrow, so maybe, tonight we cook dinner."
Shawn chuckled. "What would you have us make? I don't have a lot of recipes in my cookbook."
"I don't know. We'll look at what we've got in the fridge and figure something out."
"If all else fails, the new tradition could be ordering a Christmas Eve pizza." Shawn smiled, doubting the two of them could make an edible mystery meal out of the few staples they had in the house.
Maya smiled and sprang up from the couch. "That works too… I'm thinking we should also go ice skating tomorrow."
"That is my favorite winter activity," Shawn admitted. He loved Maya's sudden burst of energy. She wanted to pull him into a different light, and he would let her take him there. He certainly didn't want to dwell in his subconscious.
"I mean, usually mom and I throw snowballs at the skaters but... new traditions? Yeah?" Maya shrugged.
Shawn laughed and Maya continued talking.
"Okay. Also," Maya lowers her voice slightly and sits back on the couch, excitement still beaming from her.
"I hear some families open presents on Christmas Eve. We could be those kinds of people." Maya poked him in the side a little and looked over at the boxes under the tree.
"Ha, now that one is just an attempt to get your presents early. Even I know the core principle of Christmas Day is present opening." Shawn smiled and poked her back. "But maybe we could convince your mom to open one present on Christmas Eve."
"Well, should we watch a Christmas movie and eat cookies while we wait for her?" Maya suggested, already grabbing the plate of Christmas cookies Topanga had sent home with her.
"I'm all for new traditions." Shawn smiled and turned on the TV, flipping the channels until he found a Christmas movie marathon, his trauma long since forgotten.
A little while later, as the movie finishes up, Maya starts to rummage through the kitchen.
"Alright, so what exactly can you make?" She asks.
"Well," Shawn lets the TV start the next Christmas movie but he gets up to join her in the kitchen. "Let's see what we've got."
They look through the cabinets and fridge and Shawn frowns for a moment but then perks up and starts collecting ingredients.
"Breakfast for dinner. The best things I know how to make are breakfast foods. Eggs, pancakes, French toast, any morning food you want, I can make it."
Maya laughs. "Sounds good to me."
They start cooking and Shawn shows her all the breakfast tricks.
"When'd you learn to make eggs like this?" Maya asks as he flips an omelet perfectly.
Shawn smiles. "Did Cory ever tell you girls about the time we ran a bed and breakfast out of Feeny's house?"
Maya looks at him, shocked but impressed. "You did what?"
Shawn chuckles. He tells her all about the scheme and the old people that stayed that weekend. How Topanga provided guest services and Cory was freaking out the whole time about getting caught. He explains how they almost got away with it but that Feeny was pretty cool about the whole thing in the end.
He loves being able to share a fun story with her. One from his past that's not filled with pain or stress or trauma.
"Well, that's one way to learn how to make breakfast." Maya laughs. It's then that she realizes she's enjoying her Christmas Eve. She can't believe that a few days ago she was scared of what Christmas with Shawn would be like.
"Yeah, well, we stole pancakes from Cory's mom, but I had to learn how to make eggs pretty quick."
By the time Katy comes home there's a buffet of breakfast foods on the table and she's thoroughly surprised. She feels so blessed that her daughter and her husband make such an adorable team. She watches them for a moment, they giggle while doing dishes as Christmas music plays from the TV. Her family almost looks like the one on the screen. She couldn't think of anything more wholesome than this moment.
"What's all this now?" Katy puts the grocery bags on the counter and smiles.
"Breakfast for dinner! Happy Christmas Eve!" Maya puts the dish she was drying on the table and hugs her mom.
Shawn turns off the sink and dries his hands before kissing Katy's cheek. "Merry Christmas Eve. We're trying some new traditions."