He wasn't sure when the idea first came in his head. It could have been right after Christmas when he heard Maya talking to a friend on the phone. He wasn't eavesdropping, he just heard as he walked by her room. She said "-yeah, my step-dad got to travel there for work-"
"Step-dad. My step-dad…"
It could have been when he got an email from a teen who read his old book and called him by his pen name. "Mr. Matthews, I relate to your book even though you wrote it so long ago…"
"Mr. Matthews." Some people don't know he's actually a Hunter…
It could have been when he saw a sign for the New York City Humane Society. "Adopt today!"
He wanted to adopt Maya. He wanted to make it official so she would know he was fully, 100% committed to her, not just her mom. He just hoped she would want him to.
He remembered being 14, sitting with Jon as he tried to decide if he should become his legal guardian.
He remembered years later when the Matthews offered to adopt him. He was going to say no. He couldn't really be a Matthews.
It was such a strange decision to make. Being adopted by Amy and Alan didn't change much, but it was such a strange time. He used to have mixed feelings about whether he had made the right choice, if it really made a difference. But now, he knows it was right.
Sure, it was too late to change the trajectory of the path his damage had put him on, but it gave him people to come home to when he was finally ready. It gave him proof that he was loved, once he was finally ready to accept that.
He hoped Maya would want that proof too.
He had a short trip right after New Year's, but once he came back, he talked to Katy about it. She was overjoyed. She'd never even thought about Shawn adopting Maya. Didn't realize it was a possibility. She cried as she kissed him. Once again, she couldn't believe how she could have found such a wonderful man.
"Jon, I need your help." Shawn had started several conversations with Jon using those exact words over the years. This was the first time it was something positive.
"Always, Shawn. What's going on?" Jon was chipper but there was a small ache in the bottom of his stomach as soon as Shawn said the words. A gut reaction to a phrase that always brought hardship.
"I want to adopt Maya." Shawn said quickly, as if the words would disappear if he didn't get them out as soon as he could.
Jon's entire body relaxed as he felt more relief and joy for Shawn. He was a little speechless. "That's wonderful! I think that's just a wonderful idea."
"Yeah. I just don't really know where to begin. I got some paperwork, but I don't know if I have everything and I don't really know what the process is going to be like and I figured you might be able to help me make sense of some of this… I should talk to Amy and Alan too, but then Cory might find out-" Shawn was beginning to ramble.
"Of course I can help," Jon interrupts. "Why don't you and Katy come by this week and we can figure it all out."
Shawn sat at the kitchen table at Jon's house and stared at the paperwork in front of them. This was it. This was the official confirmation that he was accepting fatherhood for himself. This role he'd written off as something he'd never experience because he could only harm the ones he loved. He could never care for a kid because he couldn't even care for himself. He looked at the dates and the signatures and he could feel himself tearing up.
"Shawn? What's wrong? You don't have to do this if you don't want to." Katy's voice was nervous. She didn't want Shawn to feel pressured into this. They could be a wonderful family without a piece of paper and a title of fatherhood. They hadn't even brought it up to Maya yet, it wasn't a big deal. They have been a perfectly happy family over the past several months. This didn't need to happen.
"No, it's not- I want to do this. I really do. I just… If she agrees and we do this, I'm going to be a father. What if… what if I hurt her? What if I can't be there for her after all the promises I've made? 15 years ago, I was just as bad as her real dad. I was hurting myself and I left New York to go be a drunk. Just like my dad too. She deserves better than me."
"Shawn, you know that's not true." Jon interrupted. Even after all these years, he could still tell when Shawn was beginning to spiral.
"Look, if you want to play this game of hypothetical… Say you really were here 15 years ago. You and Katy met and Maya was your biological kid. You'd look at a baby and tell me that you wouldn't do anything for her? How'd you feel when you first held Riley? Imagine Riley had been yours. Imagine baby Riley was baby Maya. You're telling me you wouldn't have figured yourself out faster if you had this kid to fight for? You're telling me you'd have hurt that baby? You'd have left her like your mother and father left you? You'd have chosen alcohol and loneliness on the road over your kid?"
Katy slowly sat back in her chair, watching Jon shift into his own fatherly role over Shawn. Katy felt honored to be part of this vulnerable moment between these two men. She had no fear that Shawn would ever hurt her or Maya, but she understood that Shawn had been through more than she could imagine and it was important to let him process whatever panic he was having.
"No Jon. Of course not! I could never do what my dad did to me. Even on my worst days I could never- It's just… after where I come from. What my parents were like, how can anyone be sure?"
Shawn sighed. He had thought about this so many times. He doesn't like to dwell in the 'what if' because he can't possibly know how he would have been if he'd become a dad 15 years ago. Maybe it would have saved him, but maybe it would have been too hard. He'll never know, and he has to be okay with that. He thought he was okay with that. He remembers looking at baby Riley and feeling so happy. He had known back then, just looking at how perfect she was that he was so very damaged. He couldn't even imagine how the weight would have been different if it was his own child. He knew this thought process wasn't a good place for him to go.
He couldn't figure out why this anxiety suddenly hit him. He had talked about this with his therapist. He had already become Maya's stepfather months ago and was helping Katy make parenting decisions all the time. He had done so much work to not feel like his father but suddenly all the worries were back and screaming at him that this was wrong. That he was wrong.
"Take a deep breath Shawn." Jon moved the papers out of Shawn's direct eyesight and watched as Shawn followed instructions and took a deep breath.
Jon kept talking. "I'll tell you how I know for sure, okay? I knew your father; I met your mother. I took you in from their home after they tried their hardest to kill off all the good in you. I was there as you fought the nightmare you came from, and I watched as you finally fought for yourself. It's an insult to yourself to entertain this idea that you could ever possibly be like them. After all the work you've done, you can fight this one last panic and finally admit to yourself that you are not just a better man than Chet was, but you'll be a better father too."
Shawn wiped a few tears from his eyes and nodded. After a moment he chuckled.
"Yeah…yeah. You're right Jon. You're always right. I'm sorry. I don't know why it all came up again. I thought I had moved past this."
"You don't need to apologize for it. This is a big step you're taking but it's the right one… To be honest, I've always regretted that I never fully adopted you. I know the way things played out and I know the Matthews were a better set of parents, but you know you're my son and I wish we could have made that official."
Shawn looked up at him, knowing his panic was receding. "It doesn't have to be on a paper Jon. You're the father I always needed, and you've always been here. You've done more than enough."
He felt like a teenager again, knowing that he could never repay Jon for saving him time and time again. But now he understood the point of it all. He never has to repay Jon. Just like Maya will never have to repay him. Jon is just a good father looking out for his son and loving him no matter what happens. Even without official paperwork, Jon was the best father Shawn could ask for, still helping him through life transitions.
They look over the papers one last time to make sure everything is signed, and Jon explains the last steps they'll take with a lawyer and Shawn feels calm again.
"Thank you for everything you've done to make him into the man he is today," Katy says softy as she hugs Jon goodbye.
"Of course, no trouble at all." Jon hugs her back and winks at Shawn. He would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
"Oh, come on, we all know I was a little bit of trouble," Shawn jokes, knowing he was much more than a handful.
Jon smiles. "Okay, but it was worth the trouble."
Shawn was happy. A little emotionally exhausted, but he was ready. He was prepared to become a father and he was prepared to have his poetry book come out to the world. He was ready to fully embrace the life that he had always been too scared to admit he wanted.
What he wasn't prepared for was the news Cory brought him the next day.
He could sense something was wrong as soon as he opened the apartment door. Cory never usually came over to his place, especially unannounced. They always met at the bakery or Shawn came over to the Matthews. This was rare.
The look on Cory's face didn't say panic, but it did say, 'we need to talk but I don't want to, so I'm going to be overly obtuse until you get annoyed.'
"Shawnie, my boy. Glad you're home. I brought you a house plant. Don't ask me why, I just thought you might want it." Cory shoved a potted plant into Shawn's hands and walked into the apartment.
"Uh, thanks Cor. I'm sure I'll kill it within the week." Shawn was confused but he put the plant on the windowsill and closed his laptop, knowing his time to work was done for now.
"Well, it came with instructions, so just follow them and water it and how hard can it be? Topanga has kept like a dozen of 'em alive for years now." Cory wasn't exactly pacing, but he certainly seemed restless, looking around the apartment and touching various knickknacks around the place.
"I'll try…" Shawn watched his friend, getting more confused by the second. "Cory, not that I'm not glad to have you stop by, but… what are you doing here?"
Cory laughed. "Well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Ya know, that things are good and that if things were to change, you'd stay okay because it's how you are now."
This did not make Shawn any less confused. "Yeah man… I'm fine. Everything's good. Are you good?" Shawn raised his eyebrow and approached Cory, seeing his mind was racing in that Cory way.
"Good. Good. Well, I… Like I said, if things were to change, you'd be okay. And I'd be okay. And the girls would be okay-"
"Cory. Stop." Shawn put his hands on Cory's shoulders. Something was way off and he clearly had to be the guy in charge here. "Everyone is okay. What would change that?"
Cory sighed and looked at Shawn. His stability calmed Cory in a way that he hadn't gotten a chance to experience in a long time.
"Topanga got a job offer. A really, really, good job offer… one she'd be a fool to turn down."
"That sounds nice," Shawn said carefully.
"It's in London, Shawn… If she takes it, we have to move to London."
Shawn released his grip on Cory and sat down on the couch. He didn't know what to say.
Cory sat down next to him. "You have to be okay about this. You said you would."
Shawn looked at his best friend and tried to figure out what to say. He was okay. He was shocked, but there wasn't any anxiety. There wasn't a life altering pain that usually accompanied big transitions.
After a moment, Shawn slowly got the words out. "Yeah. I'm okay-"
"How can you be okay?!" Cory interrupted. "We're going to be on entirely different continents. Miles and hours away from each other. The girls are going to be devastated. My son will grow up with a British accent."
Shawn laughed and Cory frowned. "Come on man. We already were miles and hours away from each other. I left for years and we're still okay. Sure, it sucks. I'm going to miss you. Lord knows I don't have any other best friends just waiting around to hang out with me. But it's your turn to have a grand traveling adventure. If it's what's best for your family, then this is what you guys are going to do. And you know we'll all still be here for you because we're your family too.
And the girls are going to be devastated. There's no working around that. But their friendship is strong, and they'll stay friends through this. It will be an adjustment for them. But it could be a good one.
As for Auggie. I think he'll be adorable with an accent. They may even make him king someday."
Cory relaxed into the couch and sighed. "How can you be so calm about this? We haven't even made a decision yet, and I trust Topanga to figure it out. Really, I do. I'm behind her no matter what, but in the back of my head, I'm just freaking out a little bit about these two different paths that are now in front of us."
"Because first off, I'm not the one with the big decision. But secondly, I know you guys. You're going to be great no matter where you go. You're not going to disappear forever just because you're not here. We'll take turns visiting. There's video chats and phone calls and emails. We're not new at being apart. The girls will figure it all out too. No matter what, things are going to be fine. Even if things were to change, I promise you, we'll all be okay."
Cory and Shawn hang out for a little bit longer. They watch a movie and talk about work and Cory seems perfectly normal after a few hours together.
"Hey, before you head out," Shawn stops Cory at the door and hands him a book. "This is the new one. I just got a couple advance copies. It's hitting the shelves in a few weeks."
Cory looked at the cover, a beautiful hunter green book with black silhouetted trees and gold lettering for the title. All That Time Away, Perhaps it Did Me Good.
"I was hoping I'd get to read it. I'm not in this one am I?" Cory laughed.
"Not this time around. But I still hope you like it," Shawn hesitated. "You probably won't though. It is about all my time away, and I know how you feel about all that," he chuckled.
Cory pulled his best friend in for a hug, not knowing how much longer he'd be around to do that.
"Hey, I'll call you soon. I think we're gonna have some people over while we make our decision. Plus, you're gonna have to help me deal with the fallout from the girls. We'll be lucky if they don't kill me and Topanga over this."
Shawn watched Cory leave and then went back into the apartment. He sighed and fell into the safety of the couch. He didn't lie, he was okay. But he was sad. And that was okay. This was going to change a lot of things about his life. It was going to be extremely hard on Maya and, honestly, he was most worried about that. He could handle being away from his friends. He'd done it before, and now, at least he has a wife, a new best friend beside him every night. He would be okay. Maya might not be okay.
But he would be there for her. He looked over to his work bag where he kept the folder with the adoption papers. He just stared at it for a moment, remembering the life altering pages that were inside. He would show her that she would have love and safety even if the Matthews leave. He would be there to get her through. Because that's what fathers do.
It was a few days later that he was standing in the Matthews' living room surrounded by all their family and friends. He knew he would still be okay with whatever they decide, but he was getting a little anxious to know what was going to happen. He was anticipating the fallout and wanted to help pick up the pieces quickly for Maya if that's what needed to happen.
When it came time for his little family: Katy, Maya, and Jon, to offer their opinion, Shawn felt ready for what he was about to do. He had already dispensed his wisdom on Cory. Now was time to make sure things were taken care of for Maya. He had been watching her and Riley carefully through all this and he really hoped he was about to make the right moves.
"Alright, look, as much as I'd hate it if you guys went anywhere, when we left Philadelphia to come to New York, that worked. If we didn't do that, I never would have met Katy. If we didn't do that, I wouldn't be happy."
Shawn had put a lot of thought into this. He remembers how strange of a transition it was to come to New York after college, but there comes a time when you outgrow the place you're in and if you don't leave when you're supposed to, the next good thing can't happen. Shawn didn't know it then, but he sees it clearly now. If leaving is what his best friends have to do, then he can't tell them not to go. He'd left New York long before them. He would be a hypocrite if he told them to stay when they had a better reason to leave than he did.
He looks at Katy and holds her hand. "And, we wouldn't have Maya."
"Oh, guys, I'm not actually your daughter though." Maya looks at the couple, quite confused.
Katy stands next to Shawn, still holding his hand. "I'll never forget when we first saw you in the hospital delivery room."
Maya feels a little weird and she isn't quite sure why. "Wow, I'd really love to rewrite history, but-"
Cory interrupts Maya, one last lesson before he possibly leaves. "History is history. First thing you have to know to teach history."
Now it's Turner's turn to interrupt. "Matthews, as your former English teacher, I say, let 'em write what they want to. Shawn's proven himself a better writer than you anyway. My son knows what he's talking about."
Shawn smiles.
"But he's not-" Maya tries to object.
"You know, I'll never forget the time I saw Shawn in that hospital delivery room." Jon chuckles. "My boy, so small…"
They all laugh a little and it all feels right. This new family history they're able to create from what was once so broken.
"Okay, crazy people. You can't just make life how you want it." Riley can't really understand. You can't just change history. You can't just decide things were different than they were. She was frustrated with the big changes coming in her life and she didn't really want to follow whatever weird thing these adults were trying to do.
"Yeah, things happen. Like our decision that you guys are going to help us with. Us now!" Topanga chimed in. This felt strangely like her wedding day as things suddenly became about Shawn when they were supposed to be about her.
"She's right. This has nothing to do with us… I'm just going to leave this here…" He places papers in Maya's hands and backs away with Katy.
"Hey!" Maya stares at the papers in shock. "You want to adopt me?"
"YAY!" Riley can't stop the joy bursting from her. All the schemes she spent the past 2 years planning, ever since Uncle Shawn reentered their lives, were all falling into place. And if she was going to have to leave the country, this one thing would at least be okay now. Her best friend would be taken care of.
"I don't know how I feel about this." Maya admitted for a moment before screaming in joy with Riley.
Actually, she did know how she felt about it. This was the happiest she's ever felt.
"You know, Maya, I talked with Shawn and your mom about this. I always regretted that I never fully adopted Shawn." Jon admitted. "Family is more than what you're born into. It's about finding the people that love and care for you and keeping them with you."
"Well, you know, my parents did adopt Shawn, but he always preferred to live like a street urchin. Leaving the family to stay an orphan," Cory was a little bitter and a little playful. He was nervous for his own family decision but overjoyed that his best friend was getting everything he'd ever wanted.
For Shawn, this all felt a little bit surreal. Standing with his new wife and his chosen father in his best friend/brother's home as he asks this teenage girl to let him adopt her.
"I know this is a difficult decision to make. I had to make it when I was your age and I completely understand whatever you decide." He remembers how many emotions he had when Jon signed the guardianship papers. He recalls the feelings he had when the Matthews offered to adopt him and how he wrestled with the decision to let that happen.
He wanted to adopt Maya more than anything in the world, but he knows how much this decision can change a person. He wants her to have a say in it.
"I'll tell you what's a difficult decision: ours." Topanga chimes in again. She loves that this is happening for her friends, but she really needs to get back to her situation because the pressure and anxiety is bubbling inside of her.
"Yeah, can you hold your little Topanga horses?" Shawn doesn't mean to be rude, but he knows she'll figure things out and he just needs this moment.
Maya takes a minute to look at the papers. She almost can't believe it's real. This beautiful, good, hopeful thing is happening in her life. This dream she's had ever since her father left, that she'd have a whole family again, is finally coming true and it's the easiest decision she's ever had to make.
"I'm Maya Hunter," she finally says as she gets up and hugs Shawn and then her mom.
She practices saying 'Dad' a few times and it sounds so weird to her. For most of her life now, she's always had bitterness behind that word. It's only come out of her mouth with anger or sadness, it's always brought hopelessness, so she avoided saying it.
But now, she looks at Shawn, and the word comes out like she's five again. Like she's never been hurt by a man she calls father.
Shawn feels a little awkward hearing someone call him dad. It's good, but it's strange. He never thought he'd hear the word directed at him. He's ready to get used to it.
Finally, Topanga shoos them off. She needs to get actual advice from the rest of the people that came to help.
Maya stays with the Matthews as Shawn, Katy, and Jon go off to catch up down in the bakery.
"Shawn Hunter," Eric says as soon as Shawn enters the bakery. He somehow sounds excited and professional at the same time.
"Eric! It's good to see you. It's been too long." Shawn hugs him.
"I need to have a word with you." Eric pats Shawn on the back and then looks to Katy and Jon. "If you'll excuse us, fellow Americans."
Jon and Katy smile, a little confused as they watch Eric lead Shawn out to the patio.
"Have a seat in my office," Eric sits at the patio table and gestures for Shawn to do the same.
Shawn chuckles a bit and takes a seat. "What's up Eric? How've you been? Heard you're a senator now."
"Yeah, yeah, my senatoring has nothing to do with this meeting." Eric waves the thought of small talk away. "Have you spoken to Jack recently? No. New question, I know you haven't talked to him. Why haven't you talked to Jack recently?"
Shawn was completely caught off guard. "Eric… Jack and I… We- I don't really know how to talk to him anymore, okay?"
He felt a bubble of guilt in his stomach. He hadn't called on Christmas this past year. But to be fair, Jack didn't call him either.
"Talking is easy Shawn. You pick up a phone, you say 'hi, hello, how are you, I miss you, things are great.' You're doing a pretty good job of it right now."
"Look Eric. A lot happened between Jack and I and then a lot didn't happen and now, we're just too far apart." Shawn didn't really want to explain everything to Eric. It was a little bit too much to get into.
Eric sighed and his face seemed to change, as if getting a moment of clarity. "Jack told me what happened Shawn. A lot has happened. With all of us. Jack lost his way for a long time, but so did you. I can't be the one to fix your brotherhood, but I can tell you that it may be time for you two to try."
"I appreciate that, I do, but I can't risk my own-"
"He's sober now." Eric cuts him off. "For about a year. We're roommates again, he left that soul sucking job and he's figuring out what he really wants to do. He's trying. But he doesn't think you want anything to do with him anymore."
"Oh…" Shawn sits with this new information for a moment. He almost wants to cry. He thinks it may be from relief, but he's not quite sure.
"Please, just give him a chance. I think he really needs a brother again. And it seems like you've built yourself a pretty good life here, I think it would be good for him to see how far you've come. There's a lot of guilt and hurt and regret, probably from both sides. Am I right?"
Shawn nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat. He hadn't expected this today. He hadn't expected the possibility of ever getting his brother back.
"Yeah… yeah Eric you're not wrong… Um. I'll give him a call, okay? Soon. I'm glad to hear he's doing better."
"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have another meeting to attend upstairs." Eric shook Shawn's hand and left him sitting alone on the patio a little stunned.
After a few minutes, Katy and Jon join him, bringing him a coffee and sitting at his table.
"So how's Eric? It's a little strange to think that man has any political power." Jon laughs as settles into his seat.
"Ha, yeah. It's… he's good though. He somehow knows what he's doing." Shawn responds, lost in thought as he tears at the paper cup holder around his coffee cup.
"Shawn… what did he say?" Katy watches Shawn, knowing he's drifting somewhere else. Something is off.
"Jack's sober. Eric wants me to reach out to him." Shawn glances between Jon and Katy and then focuses back on his coffee. He doesn't like how many mixed emotions he's feeling. It's a little overwhelming.
"Good for Jack. Is that something you want to do though?" Jon is genuinely happy that both the Hunter boys fought for themselves against addiction, but he really only cares about what's best for Shawn.
"Yeah," Shawn answers, almost too quickly. "Yeah… I mean. I am really happy for him and would love to see him again. It's just that there's a lot between us. There's a lot of good and bad. I haven't really sorted it all out, I just kind of put it away, ya know? It's kind of a shock right now to open it back up."
Katy reaches over and holds Shawn's hand, stopping him from ripping his entire coffee cup to shreds. She knows Shawn will figure this out. She'll be here to help him through whatever he needs, but she also knows that this is something he'll need to process in himself.
"Remember that time Jack was looking for your dad?" Jon chimes in.
Shawn looks over to Jon and nods. He hadn't told Katy this specific story yet, but he knew he was going to start telling her more about Jack. If he was going to start processing and repairing the relationship with him, she was going to get to know this side of things.
"Of course, I remember. Why?" Shawn's voice is a little flat. Not upset, just tired.
"Well, that was a really hard conversation for you to have. You were upset for weeks and you didn't know how to begin, but eventually you did it. You sat down and were able to say everything you needed to in order to set things straight between you two. I was so proud of you that day."
"Thanks Jon. But that was a long time ago. Like I said, a lot has happened since then. Things became very… different." Shawn gave a sad smile. He knew Jon was trying to help, but Shawn hadn't really told anyone how badly things fell apart with his brother.
"That may be the case. But whatever bad things happened, you are both in better places now. And if Eric's right, then it sounds like you're both more stable than you were the last time you saw each other." Jon sipped his coffee. He knew Shawn would be able to sit down with Jack and work things out. He'd had much harder conversations than whatever he was going to have to say to his brother.
"Yeah, you're right. Eric's right. It's not that I'm not going to talk to him. I just hadn't really imagined this day would come. It's going to take me a bit to figure out everything, that's all."
"You'll figure it out Shawn. And we'll be here for whatever you need. It sounds like a good opportunity to heal another piece of things." Katy squeezed his hand and hoped this would all turn out well for him.