The Matthews stay in New York and the Hunters start the adoption process. It will take a couple months, but it's happening. Life is working out well for Shawn. He should be happy. He should have no worries in the back of his head or anxieties in the pit of his stomach. But every night, no matter how many good moments filled his day, he knows a box has been opened that can't be shut back up.

And god how he wishes he could just shut up. The memories of how things fell apart with Jack keep replaying. Some of them crystal clear arguments and others blurry hazes of drunken shame and regret. It almost makes him want to drink. Almost. But not enough. He settles for shutting his thoughts out and powering through each day, pretending he's got everything under control.

"Shawn, come to bed. It's 2 in the morning." Katy rubs her eyes as she comes out to see him on the couch with the TV playing some nostalgic cartoon he's barely watching. She clicks the TV off and cuddles next to him on the couch.

"Sorry babe. I just… couldn't sleep," Shawn sighs. He's exhausted but doesn't want to worry her. He could feel himself slipping all week. He doesn't want to journal because he knows it'll all come out. He's almost scared to write this one out.

"It's getting worse, isn't it?" Katy's been pay attention. She knows when he leaves the bedroom after tossing and turning for a couple hours. He's watching more TV and reading less. He's starting to bottle things up and she just wants to help.

"I'm sorry." Shawn can't look at her. He just stares that the screen where the bright light used to be.

She just sits with him for a few minutes. She doesn't want to push him. She knows he's a smart man who has proved he can deal with himself, but she doesn't like to see him in so much pain, even if he's good at hiding it.

"I haven't called him yet. I haven't talked to my therapist about it yet. I haven't even journaled about it… Katy, I don't want to think about it, and I don't know why.

I want to see Jack. I want to get over the shit we put each other through. But I feel paralyzed, and I don't know how to move again." Shawn's voice was quiet. He hadn't admitted any of this to himself yet and it felt like the gates were creaking open.

"Because it's hard. You know as well as I do that family hurt can be the worst kind of hurt. You've come a long way and done a lot of hard work on yourself. Healing is exhausting and knowing you have more to do, is scary."

Shawn sits with what she said, knowing she's right. He's just so tired.

"I had put everything about Jack somewhere far away. It didn't matter to me anymore because it couldn't. I wasn't going to get my brother back… and now… I just wasn't ready. I've been so focused on building a better life and moving on, that this feels like some kind of setback. I just didn't think it would hurt this bad to think about again. We lost so much time together for such stupid reasons."

"So don't waste anymore of it," Katy says gently. She kisses his cheek and gets up from the couch. "This isn't a setback. It's another piece of the better life you're building. It's another chance to move on."

Shawn gives a small smile and takes her hand as she pulls him up from the couch. "Okay… yeah. I'm sorry I've been distant this week… I'll get there."

He kisses her, eternally grateful he's found someone so kind to him.

It takes another week until he's ready to call Jack. He has a session with his therapist, he journals his thoughts, and he even drops in on an AA meeting. He figured he's not the only recovering addict who's ever needed to make amends with a family member who's also a recovering addict.

The phone rings three and a half times. Thirty seconds.

Shawn stares out the living room window as seven people get on the bus at the corner stop. Four people get off. The sink drips twice.

"Hello, Jack Hunter speaking," Jack answers.

"Uh, Hi, Jack. It's Shawn." He feels young, like he's 18 again and scared to talk to the strange guy who showed up and calls himself his brother.

"Oh! Shawn, hi. It's good to hear from you." Jack sounds surprised but relieved. Shawn just feels more anxious.

"Yeah. Hi. I'm, um, flying into DC in a couple weeks and was wondering if you'd want to meet up. Eric said you were living there now and, well, it's been a while." Shawn thought he'd be a bit less awkward about it, but he figured it didn't really matter.

"Yeah, Shawn, I'd like that."

Shawn was a little nervous. His book tour was starting and that's why he was going to be in DC. It was the fourth city he'd visit on an itinerary of 12. He'd have 24 hours in the city before he'd have to leave. Luckily, he could see Jack that evening after the interview and book signing he'd been scheduled to do.

The first three cities went really well. A lot of people were finding meaning in his poetry and they seemed genuinely excited to meet him. Some people even brought him a copy of his old book to sign, saying they'd been wanting to meet him since they were teenagers. It was kind of a bizarre feeling to have fans. Good, but strange. Their infatuation with him fed a deep desire he'd almost forgotten about to feel loved and understood by everyone, instead of feeling like the outcast of a group. He never desired to be the popular kid, but this is probably the closest he'd ever get.

Luckily meeting so many people and traveling kept him busy enough to not overthink that fourth stop.

But being so busy means it also came quickly. One day he was kissing Katy goodbye and the next he was standing outside of large apartment complex in DC.

Shawn was grateful that he didn't have to wait outside Jack's apartment very long. It seemed as though Jack had been waiting at the door, almost as nervous as Shawn was. They took a second, standing in front of each other for the first time in years, to look at each other. It wasn't an awkward moment, but a heavy one, as they both realized the weight of life that had come between them.

It was Jack who spoke first. "Hi Shawn… It's really good to see you."

"Yeah… you too." Shawn replied with slight hesitation. He was happy to see Jack, he really was. He just still felt a little guarded.

"Um, come on in. Do you want anything? I've got water, some sodas, iced tea, coffee?" Jack's nerves were showing as he tried to overcompensate to make Shawn feel comfortable.

"No, I'm okay for now." Shawn gave a polite smile and looked around the apartment.

It was a nice space. It felt familiar and lived in but cleaned up. Like the apartment they all shared during Jack and Eric's freshman year, but for grownups.

"Okay. Good… good. Want to have a seat? We just got a new couch last week. I couldn't stand the old one Eric had." Jack had to stop himself or he'd ramble on about furniture shopping and decorating decisions.

Shawn followed Jack into the living room and sat on the new couch.

"Oh, this is good. Not too stiff but it doesn't swallow you whole. It's that good middle ground of comfortable but classy." Shawn commented, suddenly a grand connoisseur of couches.

Jack smiled and sat in the armchair next to him. It felt good to be around Shawn again, but he didn't know how to start the conversation.

Now the silence between them became a little awkward.

Shawn rubbed the back of his neck and gave another polite smile.

"So, how long have you and Eric been together again? How'd that happen?" Shawn figured they had to start a conversation somewhere and catching up was easier than diving back into the past.

"Probably a little over a year, I guess. Seeing him again, under the circumstances, it just…" Jack didn't really know how to explain how it all happened, it just kind of fell together. He took a deep breath and tried to start again.

"My old company told me I had to meet with this senator and buy his vote so we could build a destructive oil pipeline. So, they sent me to New York. It was gonna be simple. I'd done it several times with various politicians. It wasn't a big deal for me anymore. But instead of another money hungry politician, I came face to face with Eric.

I was sitting there with my old best friend realizing I'd gone so far away from who I wanted to be. I looked at him and… the look on his face when he realized I'd turned into the bad guy… It stopped something inside me. It was like I was slapped in the face with a reality I'd worked so hard to ignore.

So, I went back. I quit my job. I kept in touch with Eric and he even came out to visit. When he saw how I was living, he made a pretty good case that we'd be better off living together again. I was alone in this expensive apartment that had no real sign of life. He uh, helped me get sober and he helped me figure out a job that would maybe undo some of the damage I did for the past few years. Now I'm helping to lobby for more green architecture and engineering. It feels a lot better."

Shawn gave a genuine smile now. He had hoped that meeting back up with Eric would help Jack. He was glad to see it had happened. He knew that feeling of letting your best friend down, of falling so far away from who everyone thought you would be. Who you thought you would be.

"That's great Jack. You were always stressing about that job. You deserved something better. And I'm really glad you're sober again. I know it's not easy."

"Surprisingly, once I quit my job, it was easier to quit drinking. Moving here and figuring out how all the dominoes fell over the past several years, my path really made more sense."

Shawn looked at Jack again. He really did look lighter, less burdened than the last time Shawn had seen him. He was glad Jack could take to sobriety so quickly.

Jack continued. "Like, I realized the breakup with Rachel and then quitting the Peace Corps just led me to be depressed for a while. And once I started drinking to get through that, it was easy to take a shitty job that allowed me to lose myself in work and cocaine with the corporate guys. It was just a lifestyle I chose and stuck with because it was easier than picking myself back up. Now I'm glad to have a second chance."

Shawn looked away for a moment and felt his guilt rise up in his stomach. The guilt he tried to reason with, tried to hide away, tried to forget about; it was here to be dealt with.

"Look, Jack, I'm sorry. I know it's not all my fault, but I definitely played a part in that whole spiral for you, and I've never felt okay with how things went." Shawn finally said.

Jack looked a little surprised and confused. "I never… do you feel… Shawn, you weren't the reason I started drinking... It never even crossed my mind that you would feel like you were at all to blame for how things were. If anything, I've been feeling responsible for how broken you were… for years."

Shawn was now just as confused. He had unpacked a lot over the past several years, but this was still so fresh for him. Sitting here rehashing the cycles they used to be in was a little strange.

Jack leaned back in his chair and shook his head a bit. "Man… I don't know how much you really remember about back then. But when I first met up with you- I think you were doing freelance photography or something for some websites, but you were living out of a motel in Atlantic City for about a month."

Shawn nodded. He did remember that. At the time, it was a fun month. He was having a lot of good nights with strangers and other addicts he'd met. He was drinking a lot and doing some party drugs, but he wasn't cutting himself as much during that time.

"I was originally just going to stop in with you for the weekend and catch up, tell you about Rachel and see how you were doing…" Jack ran his hand through his hair, this was the tougher part of the conversation for him.

"You weren't doing well. You tried to cover it up the first few nights, saying it was okay that you were drinking because you were working and making friends and having fun. You tried to convince me you weren't miserable. You had convinced yourself and I was too lost myself to pull you out. I think I only brought up getting sober twice. And by the third time, I just went out with you to the casinos and figured your way looked a lot more fun. I failed you that weekend. I made a choice to join you. I was looking for my own way down. You didn't drag me there. I couldn't save you, but I couldn't leave you like that. So, I figured we would be okay if we were together for a while."

Shawn didn't really know what to say. He leaned back into the couch and sighed.

"See, I remember you telling me I shouldn't be drinking. I remember the look on your face when I woke up angry and hungover and tried to convince you I was fine. I was furious that you would turn up out of nowhere and tell me I was a wreck. I didn't want to see it. So, I double downed. I knew if I could make you think it was okay, then I could keep on going… 'Cause no one else had seen me like that. I had run away from everyone else and you were the first person to see me in my element. To watch me black out and keep going. I wasn't going to let you save me and I wasn't concerned enough about you at the time to make sure you would be okay. I figured you were better than me. I figured you would be okay."

A few things clicked in Jack's head as he realized they had both been harboring guilt for not saving each other. "Alright, so after everything, I think you know as well as I do that we both enabled each other over the years. We were two addicts looking to lose ourselves and we just so happen to be brothers."

Shawn shrugged. "Yeah… we both tried in our own ways to help, it just wasn't going to work out."

He internally cringed as he remembered the last time he tried to help. They were probably reaching that part of the conversation soon. He just really wasn't sure how to get there yet.

There was a pause and Shawn cleared his throat a bit. "You know what I think I will take some water now."

"Yeah, of course." Jack got up and disappeared into the kitchen.

Shawn stared at the bookshelf on the wall across from him. It was mostly filled and that made him smile. He recognized a few of the books and a couple of the framed pictures and knick-knacks. It just looked so normal.

"So I heard you got married." Jack said as he came back with two glasses of water, handing one to Shawn.

He doesn't want to let on that he's a little hurt he hadn't heard the news straight from Shawn. He's happy for his younger brother, but he wishes he could have been there. He wishes things had been different between them. "How's that going?"

Shawn smiles but has to look away from Jack. He drinks some water, glad to have something to hold in his hands.

He wishes Jack could have been there. He wishes that the thought to call up his brother and tell him the wonderful news would have crossed his mind. He, too, wishes things had been different for them.

"Yeah, a few months ago. It was really small. Just Cory, Topanga, and the kids. I've got a daughter now too…" That part still felt a little weird to say out loud, but he loved getting to say it. He felt proud to call Maya his daughter.

"I'm in the process of adopting Katy's girl, Maya, you met her at that dance," Shawn added.

Jack laughed a little. "Who'd have thought, after everything you were, you'd take in a troubled teen?"

Shawn laughed a little too, but he wasn't sure if it was because of the irony or because he was trying to cover the hurt.

"Yeah… who'd have thought…Took me a long time to even think I could be a good dad."

Jack swallowed the lump in his throat and knew they had to get to the root of their problem.

"Look, I don't want this to feel like it's the whole 'making amends' step of AA or anything. But I need you to know I've always regretted what I said to you during our last fight. You were going off to get sober and you wanted me to be able to do it too. I wasn't ready and I was scared. You're nothing like dad and you never were. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have tried to drag you back down with me. You didn't deserve that."

Shawn's breath hitched quietly. It wasn't that he was waiting for an apology, but somewhere in the back of his head, he thinks he needed it. Or at least for it to be acknowledged. For him to know that Jack didn't mean it. That Jack doesn't think Shawn really is destined to be their father. Shawn had healed a lot on his own, but it still hurt that the last thing Jack said to him in person was 'Fuck you, you're destined to turn out like Chett, we both are.'

His eyes began to water but he just looked away and took a deep breath. He didn't want or need to cry right now. He hadn't known how much relief he would feel in this moment.

"Thanks. I um… I think I needed to hear that."

Jack got out of his chair, signaling it was time for a hug. Shawn got up too, setting down the cup of water and hugging his brother. It felt like what he imagines a safe childhood home feels like. It was warm and comfortable, weighted, and familiar.

"I'm sorry too. I am glad you found me. I'm glad you've found me every time."

Jack cried a bit now too as they hugged. The fight they had had left them both with words they wish they hadn't said and things they didn't want to hear. Having Shawn say, 'I wish you'd never found me, I don't need a brother like you,' was hurtful at the time and led Jack to drown that memory in more alcohol for several more years. They'd both done this to each other, and it was hard to have the relief wash over years of buried hurt and pain.

"I was usually drunk when we talked on Christmas," Jack admitted as they released their hug.

"I know," Shawn confessed.

They both laughed a little and dried their tears.

As they sat back down, Shawn reached inside his bag on the floor, pulling out a copy of his new book.

"Listen, the reason I'm out this way is because I'm currently on a book tour. I don't want you to read it if it gets too weird for you, okay? It's poetry from when I wasn't sober, and if it's too much, I totally understand… I just figured you might want a copy." Shawn hands over the book and waits as Jack looks it over for a moment. Something about letting the people who mean the most to him look at such an intimate piece of himself still makes him nervous, even if it is the second time around.

"Thanks Shawn. I'll read it carefully… promise." Jack ran his fingers over the gold lettering on the cover.

"I was hoping you'd let me have a copy. It's not like I haven't followed your work for a while. I took a few vacations over the years based on your travel recommendations," Jack smirks a bit. "But when I saw your new book came out, and I read what it was about, I didn't want to get it unless you were okay with that… Maybe that's dumb, but I felt like we needed to have this conversation first, I guess."

Shawn laughs. "I appreciate the thought, but who reads this is kinda out of my control now I suppose."

"Critics seem to like it." Jack knows he's going to try and read the whole book as soon as he can. But he also knows he'll keep his promise. He doesn't know if it will be too much for him and he's glad he has Eric around to talk about things with if he needs to.

"Yeah. I try not to listen to what they say, but the people I've met on tour so far seem to connect with it, so I'm a little bit proud of that I suppose." Shawn shrugs. Most of the time he still doesn't feel like he deserves half the praise he gets for his accomplishments, but he's trying to take stock in the times he lets himself feel successful.

"Shawn, you should feel amazing with what you accomplished. I'll let you know my thoughts after I read it, but from what people are saying, this book is a genuine look into your journey, and you've figured out how to share it in a way that resonates with people. Not everyone can do that. I certainly couldn't. I wouldn't be able to share the past decade of my shitty life with the world in such a beautiful way."

"Thanks Jack. Let me know if you still feel that way when you're done reading it."

Shawn knows it's good. Not just because everyone has told him that, but because he feels good about it. He knows it was the thing he needed to get out of himself. He wasn't fishing for compliments or validation. He just still doesn't know how to walk the line between humble and overconfident. Another thing he's always working on in therapy.

They talk for the rest of the evening. They catch up like there was never a wall between them. But they also avoid some of the deeper subjects, like the journey Shawn took to navigate himself into parenthood and the questions Jack still has about himself as he finds who he really wants to be. They talk about work, Katy, Cory and Eric. It feels fresh and renewed but also old and comfortable. By the time Shawn heads back to his hotel, he's looking forward to seeing Jack again. They promise to get together in New York soon so Jack can come over and meet Katy and properly meet Maya.

Shawn feels a piece of himself healing. One he didn't think he needed but he'd always hoped would return.

A/N:

Okay, so I thought I'd be done but I gotta figure out how to end it. So there's one more chapter coming.
Then I've got some side stories planned.
Hope this is okay and fulfills our dreams of the Jack and Shawn reunion we never got. Let me know!

Also, I fully believe Jack and Eric are together now, but I didn't really know how to jump into that and do it justice since the focus is on Shawn. So I left it open, just know I fully believe in Jeric. So that will be one of those side stories I was talking about.
Thanks for sticking with me on this. 3