Everything Comes Back to You

by blairstory

It was the summer of 2004. They were seventeen and so in love.

3. Chapter 3

Warning: There are mentions of a sensitive topic in the story.

---

Summer 2004

The saying 'if looks could kill' couldn't have been more applicable than right now. Bunny was looking at Jay like he was a speck of dirt on the bottom of her shoes. Jay, caught up in his own nervousness, hadn't noticed but Erin had seen it the second Bunny had laid eyes on him.

"What are you doing here, mom? I thought you'd be in the Hamptons with Johnny," Erin said jovially, trying to keep the peace.

Bunny cut her a look. "I thought you'd be in the Hamptons too but when you called me out of the blue and said you weren't coming, I've decided to come here." Her eyes traveled to Jay and a hint of a sneer formed on her lips. "Good thing I did."

"It's really nice to meet you, Mrs. Lindsay," Jay spoke as confidently as he could. But Erin saw his hands rubbing his thighs nervously.

"It's Mrs. Astor," Bunny corrected, her tone of voice frosty. Erin groaned inwardly. She had explained to Jay the story behind her last name. Fletcher was her maiden name. Lindsay was the deadbeat father that Erin had never met. Astor was Johnny's. Unsurprisingly, Bunny had jumped at the chance to take Johnny's last name the second she could. But Erin hadn't and thankfully, Johnny had never pushed her— stating that last names didn't make families, love did.

"Mrs. Astor," Jay corrected himself with a small smile on his face. He must've felt the tension in the Voights' living room too. Beads of sweat gathered on his forehead and Erin knew it had nothing to do with the weather or how warm the living room was. "It's really nice to meet you," he repeated.

Bunny's face stayed rigid. "I wish I could say the same to you but before today, I had no idea you existed."

Jay's smile slipped. "Oh. I'm...Jay Halstead. I'm Erin's…." He looked at her, as if he was wondering how he should introduce himself.

Erin placed her hand on his thigh and stared Bunny down. "Jay's my boyfriend, mom." Her voice didn't waver. It held all the confidence in the world. She wasn't ashamed of Jay being her boyfriend.

Bunny didn't seem pleased and her eyes frosted even more. "Boyfriend." All three of them heard the disdain in her voice and Bunny made no attempt to cover it. "How long has this been going on?"

"Since the beginning of summer."

"I see," Bunny spoke, her voice tight. She darted her attention to Jay. "So Jay, how old are you? What does your family do? How did you two meet?"

Jay wasn't prepared for the barrage of questions. "Um..I'm 17. Well, I'm about to turn 18 in a couple of days. We met through Justin. My family…." He paused.

"His family lives up the street," Erin stepped in, knowing Jay was stuck on how to describe his family. Frankly, Erin didn't want Bunny to know all the turmoil that Jay was going through with his family. Bunny was already judging him hard and had seemingly made her mind up about him. Just telling her about Pat and his antics would just solidify her opinion. It wasn't fair to Jay.

"Hmm." Bunny stood up from the sofa. "Jay, would you mind giving me and my daughter some time alone to catch up?"

Jay got up from the seat and stood up, his hands hanging by his sides awkwardly. "Yeah, sure." He looked at Erin. "I'll go first."

"Let me walk you out."

"Jay can make it up the street by himself, can't he?" Bunny chimed in. Erin glared at her mother but the fake smile her mom had on her face didn't crack. Jay just nodded, getting the hint that he wasn't wanted there.

"I'll talk to you later," he spoke softly to Erin before saying his goodbye to Bunny.

As soon as he was gone, Bunny turned on her. Erin walked away, not wanting to get into the argument that was coming for sure. She headed toward the kitchen and grabbed herself a bottle of water.

"Really, Erin." Bunny followed her. "That's why you didn't come to the Hamptons. For that boy?" She spit the word out like it burned her.

"Mom," Erin started. "It's not just because of Jay. I told you that Hank's party got postponed. I needed to stay since I planned the whole thing."

"Oh please," Bunny rolled her eyes. "I don't believe that for a second. Who is he? What does his family do?"

Erin knew she wasn't going to get out of this conversation so she took a seat on a stool. "His name is Jay Halstead, like he said. His family lives a couple of doors down from here. He moved here from North Dakota last year and he's friends with Justin."

"His family?" Bunny interrupted, just asking what she wanted to know. And what she wanted to know was simple. She wanted to know what type of family the Halsteads were. Wealthy? Rich? Middle class? What did they do for a living?

"His dad is in sales and his mom is a housewife. She used to own a bakery back in North Dakota but she's a stay at home mom now," Erin replied, keeping her answers strictly fact-based.

Bunny frowned, unimpressed. "Sales? Really, Erin?" She sighed. "Good thing I got here in time before this can go further."

"What can go further?" Erin asked, narrowing her eyes. Bunny just casted her a look like Erin knew what she was talking about. "I'm not breaking up with Jay."

"Erin." Erin hated the tone Bunny was addressing her with. It was patronizing, like Erin was a five year old girl instead of seventeen, clueless to the world. "You don't really think Jay is suitable for you, do you?"

"I do." She stared at Bunny defiantly.

Bunny just laughed like it was hilarious. "Oh, you're 17. You're still so young. You don't know how the world works just yet. When you're older, you'll see that you and Jay aren't right for each other and you'll thank me."

"How would you know if me and Jay aren't right for each other? You don't know him. You spoke with him for like 2 minutes."

"I know enough."

Erin chuckled dryly. "Oh right. You found out that his family isn't rich and that's enough for you to make your judgement. I forgot who I'm talking to, mom. After all, you're the one that married the multi-millionaire within six months of meeting him."

"You're absolutely right. You did forget who you're talking to. I am your mom. I deserve respect and I will not be spoken to like this," Bunny spat, her face getting red from anger. But Erin wasn't backing down. "If you're implying that I married John for his money only, then you're wrong. I love him very much."

"And it's just a coincidence that he has more money than we know what to do with, right?"

Bunny took a deep breath. "My marriage to John is not the topic of discussion right now. Your dalliance with Jay is."

"Dalliance?" Erin snorted. "Mom, you're making it seem like it's a clandestine affair between me and Jay."

"Isn't it? Isn't that why you're sneaking around with him and you haven't mentioned him once to me?"

Erin closed her eyes and sighed. "No, mom. The reason why I haven't told you about Jay is because I knew that you would react like this," she answered. "You would just take one look at him and decide that he isn't good enough for me."

"He isn't."

"How do you even know?" Erin couldn't help but shout. "You don't know him! You don't know how he treats me and how he makes me feel."

"How he makes you feel?" Bunny chucked derisively. "You're 17. It's nothing but a teenage infatuation."

Erin clucked her tongue in anger. This was exactly why she knew she was right in not telling Bunny about Jay. The casual dismissal of Erin's feelings, the immediate judgement of Jay and his family, the patronizing way Bunny regarded their relationship. None of it surprised Erin and it saddened her.

"It's not, mom," she replied, her voice small. "It's really not. I love him."

Bunny looked at her like she was crazy. "Love? You think you're in love?"

"No! I don't think that I'm in love. I know it." Erin pinched the bridge of her nose, frustration filling her. "Why can't you just give him a chance? Just get to know him a little? Please."

Her mom wasn't happy, Erin knew that much. However, she was still convinced that if Bunny just got to know Jay more, she would see how perfect he was for Erin. He was kind and thoughtful. Funny and caring. Everything a mom should want for her daughter, social status not included.

Bunny brushed the hair off her face and she sighed. "You know that I just want the best for you right? Everything I've done from the start has been for the good of us."

"I know." Erin really did. She knew that Bunny worked hard to give her a good life, even before she met and married Johnny. Bunny had a complicated past but she pulled herself together when she got pregnant with Erin. She worked double shifts in seedy bars and questionable places to put a roof over their heads and food on the table and Erin would never forget that.

Bunny placed her palm on Erin's face and she sighed. "How about we invite Jay over for dinner? John will be here tonight after his meeting and we can get to know Jay better."

Erin broke out into a smile, unable to believe that Bunny was actually giving Jay a chance. "Thank you," Erin gushed, hugging her mom. Bunny just nodded at her indulgently. "I'm gonna go give Jay a call and let him know about the dinner!"

Erin ran off excitedly. She knew this was a big opportunity. She didn't expect Bunny to invite Jay to dinner or to even give him a chance. It wouldn't be easy, she realized, for Bunny to push aside her aspirations that she had for her daughter and judge Jay based on who he was, and not how much money his family had in their bank account. But if there was anyone that could win Bunny over, it was Jay.

---

As excited as Erin was, Jay, on the other hand, paled with fear at the dinner invitation. She frowned at seeing the expression on his face and held his hand.

"What? Do you not want to have dinner with my family?"

He shook his head. "No, I do. It's just...it's intimidating." He ran his tongue over his lips. "It's your mom, Erin and your stepdad. I know that your mom already doesn't like me."

"She doesn't know you," Erin argued.

"She knows enough," Jay pointed out. "She knows enough to know that I'm not good enough for you. My family isn't good enough for you."

She placed her leg on his thighs as she turned to face him. "Hey," she called, demanding his attention. "You are more than good enough for me. Don't ever say that."

"It's true though." Erin's heart ached at the sadness she heard in his voice, like Jay had already accepted it as a fact. It definitely wasn't.

"Why? Because you're not rich?"

"That's one reason," he replied, adding in a small smile to play it off. But Erin wasn't having it. Jay could be the most confident person in the world she knew when it came to certain things like his skills on the computer but when it came to himself, he couldn't see just how amazing he truly was. It was saddening.

She hugged him as best she could considering the position they were in— sitting side by side. "Jay, I don't care about money or any other reason why you think you're not good enough for me. I think you're more than enough. Just what I need, actually." Her declaration got him smiling. "I know it's a lot to ask but can you please come to dinner tonight and meet my parents?"

"After a statement like that, how can I say no," Jay replied, leaning in for a kiss.

"You really can't," Erin returned, mumbling against his lips before crashing them together.

---

Forks and knives clinking against the plates was the only soundtrack to the dinner. Everyone else was seated around the table, all trying to keep their focus on the food instead of the elephant in the room. Ironically, the silence was more stifling. Erin casted a look towards Hank, silently pleading with him to make any sort of conversation and put a dent in the evening's awkwardness.

Hank, thankfully, got the hint. "So Bunny, how's New York?"

"It's Barbara now, Hank," Bunny stressed. "New York is fine."

Hank nodded at the conversation stalling then he turned to Johnny. "How about you, Johnny? How's business?"

"It's John," Bunny interjected, sounding put off.

Johnny, on the other hand, looked like he didn't mind. "Business is good. We're expanding the bookstores into a couple of more cities. We've signed a couple of up-and-coming authors. Real promising ones."

"How many bookstores are there now? 50?"

"147," Johnny replied proudly. "We're scouting locations for 2 more in the DMV area. And for the big 150, we're still searching for a good location."

"How about here?" Justin chimed in. "Tower Lakes would be a great town for the 150th location."

Erin already knew that Justin's idea was going to get shut down. Tower Lakes was a great town, yes. But not an ideal town for Golden Pages to open up a store. It was a small suburb and the clientele and traffic it would receive wouldn't make the overhead worth it.

"Maybe," Johnny said instead, indulging Justin. Bunny heaved an annoyed sigh. It clearly wasn't the conversation she wanted to have.

"So Jay," Bunny started, setting her sight on Jay. "Tell us more about yourself. Like I said, Erin hasn't told you anything about you."

Jay nearly choked on the sip of water. He coughed and cleared his throat. "Sure. I..um...I was born and raised in North Dakota. My family moved here last year. I have an older brother, Will." He paused, not knowing what else to say. Erin sympathized with that. She hated that question with a burning passion.

"Jay is amazing at computers and the more amazing part is that he taught himself," Erin boasted. Jay smiled shyly at her propping him up.

"I'm really not that good."

"He's being modest. He's the best computer repairman in town. He saved my laptop and my personal statement."

"Really?" Bunny stated tightly. "That's nice." The tone of her voice implied that it was anything but. "Jay, are you graduating this year?"

He nodded. "Yes, Mrs. Astor."

Erin's stomach knotted at the next question she knew was coming. She held her breath as Bunny asked him, "where are you going to college after graduation?"

Jay and Erin exchanged quick glances. "Um, college isn't in my current plan," Jay replied. Bunny's face darkened even more. "It's...I have a job lined up."

Erin didn't know that. "You do?" she asked.

"Yes." He took another sip of water. "There is a computer repair shop in Chicago and they're looking for guys. My current boss recommended me. It's a bigger shop and it's in the city so it pays more."

"No matter how much it pays, it can't be much more than minimum wage," Bunny commented. "After all, it is a menial job, right?"

Erin dropped her knife on the plate as the rest of the room went dead silent. "Mom."

Bunny just looked around everyone like she didn't just say something offensive. "I'm not wrong. A repairman at a computer shop. That's one step above a salesboy."

"Bunny," Hank warned.

"I told you, it's Barbara," she tossed back, her and Hank in a stare down match.

"I think it's great," Johnny chimed in, trying to lessen the tension. "A man must have a plan for his life and it looks like you do."

Bunny looked at her husband and glared while Erin gave her stepfather a grateful smile. "I'd hardly call it a plan." Bunny turned to Jay. "How come you're not going to college? Are your grades not qualified?"

"Jay's freaking smart. He's an awesome tutor, I would know since he tutored me," Justin defended his best friend.

Bunny ignored Justin. "It must be a financial reason then. Tell me again, what do your parents do for a living?"

"Mom, it's really not any of your…"

"I don't think Jay minds answering. Do you, Jay?" Bunny dismissed Erin and waited for Jay's answer.

"No. My mom is a homemaker and my dad is a salesman," Jay replied.

Bunny smirked and Erin's stomach churned at how sinister her mom looked then. "I guess being a salesman runs in the family," she joked even though she was the only one laughing. Erin saw Jay's hands gathered into a fist and he was trying to keep his emotions under control. She was trying to keep her anger under control before she had an outburst at the table.

"I guess it does," Jay agreed.

"How about your brother? Is he going to college too or is he a salesman too?"

"My brother is attending Northwestern in the fall."

"A very good school," Johnny remarked. "What is his area of focus?"

"He wants to be a doctor so pre-med."

At Jay's answer, Bunny's eyebrow rose. She was impressed. "Well, looks like my daughter brought home the wrong Halstead brother then." Another insult thinly veiled as a joke. Another one that no one found funny.

"Okay, that's enough." Erin had enough of her mom taking jabs at Jay whenever she could. Erin threw her napkin on the table and stood up. "Jay, let's go."

"Where are you going?" Bunny asked, as if she had no idea why Erin was leaving. "Oh, Erin. Stop being such a sensitive girl. We're just having fun, making conversations. Right, Jay?"

"You don't have to answer that, Jay," Erin stepped in.

Jay looked torn. He looked like he was trying to decide whether to slap Bunny across the face or just suck it up and keep the dinner going for Erin's sake. He swallowed down his emotions and kept his face blank aside from a fake smile on his mouth.

"It's okay, Erin. We can finish our dinner," he replied, holding her arm and pulling her back down onto her seat. Erin sat down reluctantly but kept her eyes on her mom, just daring her to make another insult towards Jay.

Johnny took control of the table. "Jay, you said you're from North Dakota?" Jay nodded. "Why did your family move here to Tower Lakes?"

Erin groaned inwardly. If Jay''s college plan was the first question Erin didn't want her parents to ask, this was the second. She waited to see how Jay would go about answering the very complicated question.

"My family just decided that it was time for a change in scenery," Jay replied, keeping his answer vague. Erin clutched his hand under the table and judging by how wet his hands were, she understood just how nervous and terrified he was being under her parent's microscopic stares.

"Really?" Bunny murmured, her eyes skeptical. She looked like she suspected there was more to the answer than Jay gave.

"Are we done grilling Jay for tonight? Because I'd love for us to get back to dinner," Erin decided to step in. Bunny had enough time to interrogate all she wanted but enough was enough. Jay gave her a grateful look and he squeezed her hand under the table, silently telling her thanks. She squeezed back, so he'd know that she had his back no matter what.

---

After the nightmare of a dinner, Erin was stuck in another nightmare meal. This time it was only her and her parents. Erin had an inkling of just why Bunny had deemed it imperative that they had lunch together as a family— like Jay would be the topic of their lunch chit chat.

"About Jay," Bunny didn't even waste a second, diving right into the topic. "I don't think he's a right fit for you."

Erin had to give Bunny credit. She was blunt and she didn't pussyfoot around. If she had something to say, she was going to say it. "Mom, I know what I'm doing. I know who I want to be with."

"You're so young. You're still a teenager, for god's sake, Erin. You may think that you love this boy right now but it's only because you're caught up in this summer fling. They call it summer fling for a reason— it's only for the summer."

Erin squared her jaw, her stubbornness coming out. Bunny didn't understand just how deep her feelings went for Jay and how it wasn't just a summer romance for either of them. Bunny scoffed at Erin saying that and as usual, Bunny dismissed Erin like she was still five years old. It was maddening.

"Teenagers get caught up all the time," Bunny scoffed. "They think they know what's best but they don't. Parents do. You're not thinking far enough ahead. I'm sure Jay is a nice boy but what does he have to offer you, really?"

"Everything I need."

Bunny laughed like it was the funniest thing ever. She looked at Johnny. "Did you hear that, honey? That poor boy is offering our daughter everything she needs." Johnny didn't smile. Instead he gave Erin a look of sympathy. "That's hilarious, Erin."

"What's so funny, mom?" Erin asked frostily. "You don't think that Jay can give me what I need? Because his family isn't rich like ours and he's not going to college? Is money the only thing that matters here?"

"Yes!" Bunny nearly shouted before she remembered that she was in a public place. Embarrassing herself wouldn't do so she reigned in her anger. "Yes," she repeated, more quietly but with just as much heat as the first time. "Money is very important in every relationship, Erin. It may not be romantic or dreamy but it's the truth."

Erin wanted to ask her mom if that was the only reason she married Johnny? Because he was wealthy and he had money and power. But Erin held her tongue. Despite Johnny being her stepfather, he had been the only father Erin had and he had been nothing but amazing to her. She didn't want to drag him in her fight with her mom and hurt him.

"Jay is not some slacker, mom. He's not just going to sit around and play video games for the rest of his life. He has a job— he had a job for years— and he has a better paying job lined up after graduation. He's the hardest worker I know."

That was the truth. Jay was. He worked every shift he could get his hands on at the repair shop and scrimped and saved. Erin had no doubt that he would put in even more hours and sweat into his new position. He had to. He was shouldering the responsibility of his family, all by himself.

"No, if he was a hard worker, he'd be going to college after school. He would apply himself and get a degree that is useful and a career that is something to be proud of. Not some computer repair shop," Bunny spat the last words like she was disgusted.

Erin scoffed and shook her head. Out of everyone, Bunny should've known that not everyone was as fortunate as them, to be put in a position where they didn't have to worry about money. Bunny had grown up like that— even poorer than Jay and his family. But now she had forgotten her roots and where she came from. It was ironic that Johnny, who grew up wealthy, was more sympathetic and understanding of Jay than Bunny was.

"Not everyone can just go to college, mom. Do you really think that Jay doesn't want to go? That his eyes don't light up when we went to Northwestern on a visit? But it's not as easy for him to just pack up and go to college. He's making the best out of the circumstances that life has dealt him."

"That's what I don't like. I don't want you to end up with someone that has to make the best of circumstances." Bunny reached for Erin's hand and grasped it. "I want the best for you, baby. You're my only daughter. I worked so hard to give you everything you need to have a good life. I'm just worried that he can't give you that."

Erin sighed. "Mom, I'm not going to run off and elope with Jay tomorrow. We're still very young and we have so much ahead of us. I don't know what is in the future for us. I just know that I want to be with him. I love him."

Bunny wasn't happy by Erin's pleas. "You're making a mistake, Erin. I just know it."

Erin shook her head, knowing that there was no getting through to her mom. Bunny had already made up her mind. There was no point in continuing this conversation and going around in circles. "Well, mom. It's my mistake to make."

With that Erin left the restaurant.

---

Erin crashed her body into Jay's as soon as he opened the door, Jay stumbling back at the unexpected force. She clutched him to her, just burying her face in between his neck. She didn't want to let go. She wanted to hide out here, in his arms, forever if she could.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Jay asked, sounding worried. He stroked the back of her head, trying to comfort her. "Erin, what's up? You're scaring me."

She just shook her head, not wanting to talk just yet. She wanted to just stay safe in his embrace for as long as she could. Jay got the message because he didn't ask anymore questions and instead tightened his arms around her, pulling her even closer to him.

They must've stayed like that for hours before they separated and sat down on the steps of his porch. He still had one arm around her shoulder, their other hands joined and resting on his thighs.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on now?" Jay asked, his lips mumbling against the side of her head.

Erin didn't want to. She didn't want to hurt him by telling him what she and Bunny talked about but she also knew she couldn't hide it from him. "My mom," she stated.

Jay's body stiffened as he got the full implication behind her two words. He exhaled a breath and let out a dry laugh. "I guess she told you what she really thinks of me, huh?"

There was already an undertone of acceptance in his words, like he already knew that Bunny would never approve of him for Erin and he had accepted it. "She doesn't know you like I do. She doesn't see just why I love you so much." Jay stayed quiet and Erin got scared. Scared that he was going to break up with her because of it. So she lifted her head up from his shoulder and turned his face to her with her finger, wanting to look into his eyes. "She doesn't get to decide who I want to be with."

He had a sad smile on his face and an even sadder look in his eyes. "She's your mom, Erin."

"So?" Erin returned, tone defiant.

"She has your best interests at heart. We may not like what she's saying but she has a point."

Erin's eyebrows furrowed. "She has a point? You mean you agree with her?"

He shrugged. "She's not wrong. She doesn't think that my family or I are good enough for you. That's true. We're not."

"That's not true," Erin protested.

"It is," Jay repeated. "It's true. The Halsteads, we're a fucking mess Erin. My dad is in deep shit, my brother couldn't wait to get away from home and my mom is still locking herself in her room, trying to pretend like everything is fine. I'm not going to be one of those college graduates with a M.B.A from Harvard or Dartmouth with millions to my name and a last name that can open doors for me. I'm not. I'm just this kid with a future as a salesman."

Erin felt her chest twist at how Jay was talking about himself. "You can't pick your family, Jay. What you and your family is going through, none of it is your fault. And honestly, I don't care if you're a salesman or a garbageman. I told you I don't care about any of it. I just care about you."

He smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "I love you, you know? I love you not only because you're beautiful and the coolest girl I've ever met but because you have this big heart. I love your optimism and the belief that you have in people."

Erin wanted to say that her optimism and her belief in people grew because of him. He was the one who taught her how to stay happy and optimistic despite everything else going on in her life and he was the one who showed her how to stand by a person, no matter what. Just like he stood by his family, even though it would've been easier for him to run off like Will. He taught her that. He made her a better person and what else could she possibly want in a boyfriend?

"Have you thought about the future?" Jay continued. "I mean, really thought about it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, have you thought about what it would be like if we are still together in ten years? I won't have a fancy college degree. Maybe I'll be a manager of a small shop but that's as far as I see my career going. You'll be this big time publisher and you'll take over Golden Pages from Johnny."

"Then I'll be raking in the dough. I'll be your sugar mama," Erin teased, trying to lighten up the mood. Jay cracked a smile but it quickly fell off his face.

"I'm not just talking about money. What if we attend one of the parties your mom is throwing. We'll walk around among all of your family and friends that do have fancy degrees and careers and you'll have to introduce me as a computer repair man. You'll lose so much face."

Erin reeled her head back. "Do you still see me as being that shallow?" She couldn't keep the hurt out of her voice. It had been a sore point between her and Jay when they first met but Erin thought that Jay knew her enough by now to know that social status wasn't something she cared about personally. Most of the time, she just went along with the status quo because of her mom.

Jay laced their hands together. "No, I don't think you're shallow at all, Erin," he pleaded with her to believe him. "But I also can't pretend that we don't come from different worlds. Yours is in New York with the higher society crowd. Mine is here, in Tower Lakes with my troubled family. We're too different."

Erin pulled her hand back. "Are you breaking up with me right now?" Erin asked, her face paling at the thought of her and Jay ending.

"It would be smart of me," Jay replied, almost muttering. Erin wanted to cry. She wanted to beg and plead with him until he changed his mind. "But I can't seem to let you go."

A wave of relief washed over at the last part of his statement. She looped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a crushing hug. "Good. Don't."

He held her by her waist, almost pulling her onto his lap. Their lips met in a kiss— tender at first before they deepened it. Erin moaned as he kissed her hard and raw, almost like he was trying to pour his love into her. She held his face in her hand and laid a couple of pecks on his lips before resting her head against his, both of them trying to catch their breaths.

"I know it won't be easy. I know that," she whispered against his lips. "I'm just saying I'm not ready for us to be over. I don't want us to be over, ever."

"Me either."

"Then promise me," Erin begged. "Promise me that you're not going to end this— end us— because you think you know what's good for me. Or because of some misplaced sacrifice like you know what's best for me." She gazed into his eyes. "If you break up with me, then only do so because you stop loving me. Not because you think you're not good enough for me."

Jay hesitated, his mouth parting but no words coming out.

"Promise me," Erin repeated, stronger this time. She was begging with her eyes, with her words, with every fiber of her being.

"I promise," Jay whispered, closing his eyes. Erin burrowed her face in the crook of his neck, feeling her tears wetting his skin. But he just continued to stroke her back. "I promise."

And it was a promise Erin held onto.

---

Bunny and Johnny had been in Tower Lakes for a few days now and Erin was surprised that they hadn't gone back to finish their summer off in the Hamptons. The three of them were staying at Hank's house, instead of them getting a hotel room. Another surprise. Especially since Hank's house wasn't that big and it was getting a bit crowded with the five of them and the huge tension that seemed to take up the most room.

Erin came down the stairs and found Johnny at the kitchen table, reading the Wall Street Journal. It was his morning routine to read the paper, reasoning that he was a businessman and he needed to keep up with the news.

"Good morning, Johnny," Erin greeted him warmly as she joined him at the table. He had been the voice of reason during the cold war between Erin and Bunny. Ever since Erin had walked out of the restaurant, she and Bunny hadn't talked. Erin knew that Johnny was trying to play the mediator between them. Erin wasn't sure how to feel about it exactly but all in all, she was just thankful that Johnny didn't write Jay off because of his family background.

"Morning, Erin. Would you like a cup of coffee?"

Erin nodded as she poured herself a cup. "Where's mom?" Erin asked as she took a sip. She frowned when Johnny's face tensed.

"Oh, I think she's still sleeping in."

That was a lie. Erin had passed by the room they were staying in and saw the bed was empty. Come to think of it, Erin hadn't seen her mom around a lot lately.

"No, she's not up there."

"Oh. That's right. I remember that she got up early this morning because she had some errands to run."

Another lie. "Johnny, what's going on?" Erin asked bluntly.

"Nothing." Johnny gave her an appeasing smile. Erin wanted to scoff. Johnny might've been a good businessman and was used to bluffing during business meetings but at home, he couldn't lie to save his life. He had a weakness— his love for his family.

"Where's mom?" Erin asked again."I haven't seen her around much these past couple of days, like she disappeared or something."

Johnny put on another fake and appeasing smile. "She's just busy, honey."

"With what? What does she have to be busy with here?"

Johnny stammered. "Um..you know how she loves Camille's garden. So she's been attending to that. She probably ran out to get some more gardening supplies or something." He put the newspaper down. "It's not a big deal, sweetie. I promise. Your mom just probably wanted some time alone."

Erin wasn't buying Johnny's lie but he wasn't anymore forthcoming with his answer. So she gave in. "I'm gonna go see Jay then."

"Wait!" Johnny blared, almost pushing her back down on the chair. Erin was caught off guard. "How about we do something together? We haven't spent any time this summer."

She studied Johnny, wondering what was going on with him. "Okay?" she replied, reluctantly. "What do you have in mind?"

Johnny sagged, like he just released a sigh of relief. "Yeah, okay. How about we…." He looked around the house for something for the two of them to do. But there wasn't much. "How about we just talk?"

"Talk?" She looked at him strangely. "Sure."

"Good." He beamed. "So tell me, are you any closer on your decision on which college to attend?"

Erin's smile slipped at his question. She still hadn't told Johnny that she was leaning more towards Harvard than Yale. He had been so excited for her to attend Yale just like he did. Erin had been excited too, at first. That was before she fell in love with Harvard and clearly saw herself attending there— something she hadn't really seen herself doing in Yale.

But she sucked in a breath, knowing that she had to break the bad news to him sooner or later. It was better to do it now.

"About that," Erin began. "I have something to tell you."

---

"And he just took it so well. I didn't expect him to take it so well." Erin was relaying her conversation with Johnny back to Jay. He was working, waiting for a desktop he was fixing to complete the update. Erin was there, keeping him company. Jay's boss didn't mind her being there, as long as Jay got the work done and Erin bribed him with food. It was a nice arrangement.

"That's good. He just wants you to be happy with your decision," Jay said as he tweaked something on the desktop.

"Yeah, he does." Erin released a sigh. "I got to tell you. I've never been so relieved that he was fine with me choosing Harvard over his Alma Mater. He's so understanding and mature."

"He's a good man'

Erin beamed proudly at Jay complimenting her stepfather. Johnny truly was. He wasn't just some typical money hungry, ruthless and callous businessman. He might've came off cold and standoffish but he was truly compassionate and humble. He was amazing and Erin couldn't have asked for a better stepfather.

"I'm really happy that you got to meet him, Jay. I think he really likes you." Johnny saw Jay for who he was, instead of who his family was and whether or not Jay had unreachable aspirations to become rich.

"That makes one of your parents," Jay remarked sadly.

Erin placed her hand on his shoulder, resisting the urge to pull him in her arms. But he was working and she was lucky enough to spend time with him at work. She didn't want to push the understanding limit of his boss.

"She'll come around, Jay," Erin reassured him. "She always does."

Jay nodded before the phone rang. Jay answered the phone and right away, Erin knew it wasn't a business related call. Erin watched as Jay's face lit up .

"Really? That's great. Yeah, I'll talk to you soon!" He hung up the phone and turned back to Erin excitedly. "

"What? What happened?"

"That was my mom," Jay started, still looking a bit shocked. "She said that a lawyer has offered to take my dad's case, pro bono."

Erin gasped. "Really. He's gonna do it for free? How?"

Jay shrugged. "He's one of the lawyers that Mr. Voight recommended. Apparently they were old friends? I don't know. Mom thinks that's why he's doing it for free. As a favor. Honestly, I don't even care right now why. I just care that my dad is going to have a good lawyer and my mom won't have to worry about the bill."

Erin got up and hugged Jay. She was just as excited as he was. There was still a lot on his plate that he needed to worry about but it was one less thing on his plate. He held her and they swayed side to side in happiness.

"I'm just so happy and so relieved right now," Jay exclaimed. He held her by her shoulders and gazed into her eyes. "It looks like things are only going to get better from here on out."

Erin just laughed and agreed with him before he was already pulling her back into his arms. She stroked his back, knowing just how relieved he was. Maybe Jay was right. Things were looking up.

Little did she know, they were both wrong. So so wrong.

---

Something was off. Erin had felt it as soon as she woke up. The only problem was that she didn't know what it was. She didn't wake up feeling the best but she brushed it off. She had been under a lot of stress ever since Hank's party and her mom coming to town. Then there was the fact that Jay had been busy with his father's case now that they had gotten a lawyer. But Erin brushed that off too. She was attached to Jay but she didn't think she was that clingy that she'd pine for her boyfriend after not seeing him for a day.

That feeling followed her even as she made her way downstairs and found Hank in the kitchen, preparing himself a thermos of coffee before he went to work. He made her cup and Erin nodded at him as a thank you.

"Rough morning?" Hank asked, noticing the troubled expression on her face.

Erin nodded. "Yeah. I'm not feeling the best." She hoped that her first cup of coffee in the morning would help so she quickly drank half of the cup. Hank was busying himself in the kitchen, tidying it up like he did every morning. "Hank."

He stopped what he was doing and turned to face her. "What?"

"I just wanted to say thank you," Erin said. "For helping Jay's family get a lawyer that'll work pro-bono."

Hank dropped his gaze to the ground, not meeting her eyes. "It's….fine."

Erin furrowed her eyebrows at his strange reaction. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I gotta go to work," Hank said gruffly, quickly running out of the kitchen, leaving Erin confused. She knew that Hank had a complicated and controversial history as a Sergeant. They didn't talk about it much but when Camille was still alive, she had let enough slip for Erin to put the pieces together. Hank was definitely not a rule abider when it came to getting justice. Maybe the lawyer was someone that owed Hank a favor for bending the rules a bit. That would explain why he got all shifty as soon as Erin brought it up. Whatever the reason for the lawyer to work for free was, Erin didn't care. She was just glad that he would help Jay and his family out.

The strange feeling in the pit of her stomach lasted all day and there was no distraction for Erin to take her mind off of it. Everyone was busy. Johnny was on work calls all day, her mom was off somewhere again and Justin had been with Olive as usual. Jay wasn't answering her calls and his AIM screen name stayed gray. Erin thought about going over to his house to see what was going on but she decided to wait a few more hours.

He was probably just busy with his dad's case and meeting the lawyer. She didn't want to interrupt and distract him because she needed attention. She could entertain herself. She spent the day watching a few random television shows before taking a nap. She skipped breakfast and lunch aside from the cup of coffee she had earlier. So by the time she woke up in the early evening, her stomach was in knots. Jay warned her about this. He didn't like her skipping meals and harming her health.

Erin looked around the house and realized that she was the only one home, still. Everyone was still out, doing whatever they were busy with. There wasn't any missed call on her phone from Jay or any messages on her AIM. Frustrated, she threw her cell phone on the counter before finding herself a snack. She wasn't hungry but she knew she had to eat.

She forced herself to eat a small ham sandwich— more lettuce than ham, really— and still waited for Jay to call to give her an update. After two more hours passed, Erin had enough. Lawyers didn't work past six, did they? Jay had to be home by now so she decided to call his house. There was no answer.

She debated with herself to see if she should go over to his house to see if he was home already. She washed the dish that she used and made her mind up. She was going. Grabbing a light jacket, she walked up the street and knocked on his door. The light was on so clearly someone was home.

Instead of Jay, it was his mom that answered the door. Erin hadn't seen the woman since the whole fallout with Jay's dad and Jay told her how his mom had been hiding away in her room. Erin expected the woman to look gaunt and tired but she looked fine, like her normal usual self. Evelyn was so used to faking that everything was fine and alright.

"Hi, Mrs. Halstead. Is Jay home?" Erin asked. Evelyn stood in the doorway, not asking Erin to come in. Erin thought it was strange. Usually Evelyn would be the first to drag Erin inside but the older woman was still greeting her with a warm smile so Erin didn't think much of it.

"Oh, sorry dear. Jay isn't home."

"Oh." Erin lingered by the door awkwardly. Evelyn still made no attempt to invite Erin in or offer her any more information about Jay's whereabouts. "I..do you know when he's going to be home? I just haven't been able to get in touch with him."

Evelyn's smile lost some of its warmth. "He's busy today. I'm sure he told you that we found a lawyer for his father."

Erin nodded. "Yeah, I'm glad that things are going well," Erin offered.

Evelyn just returned a stiff nod. "Thank you," she said before pulling the door closed slightly, almost as if she was hinting for Erin to leave. "I'll tell Jay that you stopped by." Okay, now that was definitely a hint for Erin to leave.

"Thanks." Erin just murmured and left, confused by what was going on. Evelyn had always been nice and welcoming to Erin. Despite everything Pat had put her through, Evelyn remained warm and friendly. Those had been qualities about Jay's mom that Erin had admired. But tonight, she was different. While she wasn't outright rude, Erin got the feeling that she didn't want Erin at her house.

She was still thinking about what happened when she ran into Justin back at Hank's home. He was looking around the house for her and sighed like he was relieved when he saw her.

"There you are."

Erin looked at him, confused. "I'm here. What's up?"

Justin scratched the back of his neck. "You're not doing anything tonight, right? Why don't you come with me to Olive's and we can hang out there."

Erin snorted. "I'm alright. I don't really feel like being a third wheel. I already had a shitty day."

"Come on," Justin pleaded. "We haven't hung out and you're about to leave soon. We can sleep over at her house."

"Yeah okay and tomorrow, Hank will kill you for sleeping over at your girlfriend's house. I'd rather live. Thanks."

"He won't mind. In fact, he gave us permission."

Now Erin knew Justin was on something but it was something Hank would never do. He wouldn't just allow Justin to stay over at Olive's house. "Why would he do that?"

"It's not like we're gonna do anything. Besides, you'll be there with me so me and Olive definitely won't do anything," Justin reasoned. "Come on! You're not hanging out with Jay and you're not doing anything. Just hang out with us. We'll have fun. I promise."

"I don't know." Just because Erin was going to be alone for the night didn't mean that she wanted to be a third wheel to her little brother and his girlfriend.

Justin tugged on her arms, trying to convince her. "Come on, I'll even watch 'Mean Girls'."

"Fine!" Erin groaned. "But I better not see you guys kissing or I'm leaving," she pointed a finger in his face.

"Promise! Let's go!"

---

Erin woke up the next morning at Olive's house. That was something she wasn't expecting to be doing during summer but the girl had been welcoming enough. The three of them spent the night watching movies. Erin had tried to call Jay a couple of times but the calls went ignored. She knew, now, that they were being ignored on purpose. Even if Jay wasn't home— that was a stretch as soon as it hit midnight— Evelyn was. She just wasn't picking up the calls, probably knowing that it was Erin on the other side.

Erin wracked her brain, trying to think what she had done to have Evelyn sour on her. She couldn't think of anything. All she knew was that it wasn't a good feeling and it only made the dread that had been bubbling in her stomach grow. It was like a weighted stone, heavy in the pits of her stomach, and it was pulling her down. It was a feeling she knew she wouldn't be able to get rid of until she talked to Jay. She hadn't talked to him all day yesterday and it was definitely a first in the almost 3 months that she had known him.

Doing something everyday for three months straight had built a habit within her so when she missed even just one day, it felt wrong. She wanted to get home right away, shower and go over to Jay's house. She woke Justin up since he drove them there and he was slow to get up, even slower to get ready. Almost like he was stalling. Erin was this close to just stealing his keys and driving herself home before he emerged from Olive's bedroom and told her it was okay to go home.

"Okay to go home?" she repeated his words. "What does that mean?"

Justin looked like he let something slip that he shouldn't. "Um..nothing. Wrong choice of words. Let's just go home."

She shot him a strange look as she followed him to the car. He was quiet the whole way home, almost like he was scared or nervous about something. Whenever Erin asked, he just brushed it off as nothing. Erin let him be, knowing that he wasn't going to say anything if he didn't want to so she kept her eyes on the road.

Erin knew something was wrong. Her stomach had been in knots all of yesterday and today. Her appetite was gone, too full by the weight she was carrying. But no one was willing to tell her anything, instead everyone was just acting strange around her— like they all knew something she didn't. It was infuriating.

"Hank's not going into work today?" Erin asked Justin when she spotted both Hank and Johnny's cars in the driveway. It was a rare sight for Hank to skip work. Even when he was sick, he would always go in.

"I guess," Justin muttered, dodging his eyes from Erin. She followed him up the front steps and into the house. "Hey, we're home."

The first thing Erin noticed as soon as she stepped into Hank's house were the luggage by the stairs. Not just the ones that Bunny and Johnny brought. But hers too.

"What's going on?" Erin asked slowly as the three adults came into the living room. "Why are my things packed?"

"Erin," Bunny started, her tone cautious like she was talking to a dangerous animal that could go feral any second. "We're going back to New York today."

"What? No." Erin shook her head. "Just you two, right? Because I already told you that I'm staying until Labor Day."

Bunny stepped forward. "No, all three of us are going back to New York."

Erin took a step back. "No, I'm not." She looked at Hank and Johnny. "I'm not going back. I'm staying here for another week." It was Jay's birthday in two days. There was no way she was missing that. "I can't."

"Erin. You're coming home with us," Johnny stated calmly. Too calm for Erin's liking, like he, Bunny and Hank had already made their minds up and there was nothing Erin could do to change it. Erin turned her head to Justin and saw that he was avoiding her eyes. Suddenly, everything clicked for her.

"You guys planned this!" she accused. "All of you guys." She set her eyes on Justin. "You getting me to sleep over at Olive's house, that was so they can pack my things in the meantime?"

The guilt was all over Justin's face, he didn't even need to confirm it. Erin already knew. "Dad thought it was for the best."

Erin's head whirled towards Hank. She looked at him with so much betrayal in her eyes. "You set this up." She shook her head in disbelief. "I'm not leaving." she crossed her arms defiantly. "I'm not going back to New York until Labor Day."

"You have no choice, Erin," Bunny argued.

"What? Are you going to tie me up and kidnap me? Throw me on the plane?"

"If we have to, yes!" Bunny exclaimed. "You are our daughter. You will do what we tell you to do. You are not staying here another day."

Erin felt her eyes welling up, despite her trying her best not to. "I don't want to go home yet, mom," she voiced. "Jay's birthday is the day after tomorrow. I want to spend it with him. It's his 18th birthday. Please!"

Bunny sneered, like she was disgusted that Erin was begging to spend Jay's birthday with him. Johnny looked more compassionate but he also had his mind made up. "The plane is waiting for us, Erin. We're leaving now."

"Now?" she croaked. It was too soon. She hadn't even seen Jay yet or told him. They didn't even get to spend yesterday together. He was going to be so crushed. "I can't right now! That's...no!"

"Now, Erin." Bunny held her shoulder, almost like she was trying to keep Erin from running off. "The plane is waiting for us."

"It's Johnny's plane. It's his pilot. If we tell them to wait, they'll wait!" Erin pointed out.

"We're leaving right now," Johnny repeated. "You can say your goodbye to Hank and Justin."

"What about Jay?" Erin asked. "You guys want me to leave without saying goodbye to him?"

"The quicker you cut it off with him, the better," Bunny responded. "There's no point in dragging out a goodbye when you're not going to see him again."

Erin scoffed. "And you two just get to decide this for me?" She broke her mom's hold on her. "You're not taking me home. Not today!"

"Yes we are! You are 17 years old. You're still a minor. We're your parents. If we have to drag you onto the plane, we will!"

Erin looked to Hank for help, any help but he was avoiding her gaze. She just scoffed again, outraged and shocked by how everyone she trusted conspired behind her back. She gritted her teeth. "You may be able to drag me home but you can't stop me from seeing Jay or being with him."

Bunny just chuckled, like she knew a secret that Erin didn't. "You can have your teenage fantasies about your teenage romance, Erin. but I am your mom. I know what's best for you and Jay is not it."

"He's the best thing that ever happened to me!" Erin yelled. Bunny just laughed, like it was a ridiculous notion. Erin wanted to scream. She wanted to pull her hair out. She felt like she was in a room with people that claimed to love her but no one was listening to her— what she was feeling, what she wanted. It was suffocating and she wanted to throw up.

"Erin, we'll talk when we get back to New York," Johnny said, approaching her gently. "We'll help you get through it and you'll see that this is the best decision. We're doing it for you."

She shook her head and shoved Johnny's hands from her shoulders. She didn't want to be touched by anyone. "For my own good, my ass! " she spat. "This isn't for my own good. You guys are doing it because you don't want to lose face among your friends. You don't want your daughter to end up with a guy from a middle class family."

"Middle class?" Bunny just snorted. "Please. I'll be thrilled if Jay's family was middle class but we all know that they're not. They're…." Erin knew that Bunny wanted to say the word 'trash' and the only reason why she was holding back was to stop Erin from freaking out even more.

"They're what? Say it, mom!" Erin challenged.

"They're not on our level," Johnny voiced, like it was a nice way to put things. "I'm sure they're good people and Jay is a good guy but he's just not the person for you. You're too young and even if you're not, you should be with someone like Kelly."

"So you would rather me be in a miserable relationship with someone that I don't like instead of someone I do?"

"Kelly is just an example. There are plenty of suitable options at home. More suitable for our family. Not Jay."

"I can't believe this." Erin rubbed her face. "I need to get out of here." She started to leave but Johnny stepped in her way. "Move, Johnny."

"I can't let you run off."

Erin cried. She was being dragged home and she couldn't even say goodbye to Jay. She needed to see him one last time, so he wouldn't think that she just left him. "I need to see Jay," Erin pleaded. "I need to tell him."

"You can call him when we get back to New York," Johnny offered.

"No! I can't call him. It'll be too late by then. I need to see him in person." She wiped her nose. She was a mess right now but she didn't care. "Please," she begged again. "If you're going to drag me home, then at least let me say goodbye to him. So he wouldn't think that I just abandoned him!" She held onto Johnny's arms, begging him to let her go see Jay. But he was budging.

"Let her go." Erin was surprised that Bunny spoke up. "Let her go say goodbye to him." She came to Erin. "Ten minutes and that's it. Ten minutes and we're getting on that plane."

Erin nodded. Ten minutes was better than nothing. Ten minutes had to be enough to talk to Jay and apologize for her leaving so suddenly, for her to miss his birthday. Ten minutes to sear his face into her brain and kiss him like it was their last kiss until they could see each other again.

"Ten minutes," Erin whispered before she ran out the door and up the street to Jay's house. She knocked on the door frantically, not caring that it was still pretty early in the morning. She needed to just see him. "Come on!"

She continued to knock, bouncing on her feet. She saw Jay's car in the driveway so he had to be home. He didn't have work today either so he was still up there.

"Jay!" she shouted. She probably sounded like a maniac right now and looked like one too but she didn't care. She just wanted to see him before she had to leave.

The door finally opened and her heart fell when instead of Jay, it was his mom again.

"Evelyn, I need to see Jay, please," Erin rushed her words out, not even caring about being polite.

Once again, Evelyn didn't open the door fully. "I'm sorry but he's not home."

Erin knew it was a lie. "His car is in the driveway. He's home!"

Evelyn didn't fluster at being caught in a lie. "He's really not home, sweetie," she lied again.

"Where is he? I really need to see him. It's an emergency! Evelyn, please!"

Evelyn gave her a pitiful smile. "Erin, I really think you should go home."

"No, you don't get it. If I go home, they're ready to take me back to New York. I won't see Jay again. I have to say goodbye at least. Please!"

But she wasn't moving. Erin wanted to rip the door off and push Evelyn aside and barged upstairs to where she knew Jay was. He was up there and she knew it so she shouted his name.

"Jay! I know you're up there. I need to see you! I have to talk to you!" She just hoped that he could hear her. She was so lost as to why he was avoiding her suddenly and why his mom's demeanor towards her changed. Erin hadn't done anything wrong. "Jay!"

"He's not coming down, Erin." Evelyn stepped out the door and closed it so they were both on the porch. "Erin, I'm telling you. Just go home okay? Just forget about Jay and this summer. Just go home with your parents."

Erin felt tears falling on her face like raindrops— pouring and gushing— and they came at a rapid pace. "I just...I just want to see him, please." Her pleas and tears were falling on deaf ears. For some reason, Evelyn wouldn't let her inside and Jay wasn't coming down.

"Go home, Erin," Evelyn stated again. "Just go." With that, she opened the door and went back inside, closing the door on Erin's face.

Erin just stood on Jay's porch, unable to process what was happening. Everything had changed so quickly that she was left reeling with everything. Her parents, Hank, and Justin had betrayed her by plotting behind her back to get her back to New York. Jay had turned into a person she didn't recognize because the Jay that she loved would've never ignored her after hearing her voice pleading with him. Evelyn had changed too. Everyone was going crazy around her and it was too hard for Erin to catch up. Maybe she was the one going crazy. She wouldn't be surprised at this point.

She walked down the stairs to head back to Hank's house. She looked up to where she knew Jay's window was and saw the curtain suddenly close. He was up there. He just didn't want to see her. He was probably watching her from behind the curtain right now yet he wouldn't come even though she was a broken mess. Erin knew that if she was in his position, there was no way she could stand by and do nothing but watch him cry.

Maybe that was the difference between them. Maybe she just loved him more than he did her. Maybe he just never loved her at all.

---

Two weeks.

It had been two weeks since Erin had come back to New York. Jay's 18th birthday had come and gone and her Senior year was starting in a couple of days.

She had cried on and off for the past two weeks, hiding herself off from the world. Her friends had called and invited her out, all ready to share the stories of their summer. But Erin ignored them all. There was only one person she wanted to talk to but there were no calls from him.

She was still holding onto hope, like a stupid girl. She waited by her phone, willing the phone to ring with his number. She had her laptop on all the time, logged onto her AIM, hoping to see his screen name turn green. She even went as far as making her away message 'Jay, I'm here if you want to talk'. But none of her wishes came true. Wherever Jay was and whatever he was doing, he was ignoring Erin's existence.

How could the best summer of her life turn into a nightmare so quickly? Three weeks ago, she was happy and in love for the first time in her life. She and Jay were making plans to see each other during school breaks. Yet now, here she was. Lying in her bed like a ball of sad sack, the mix CD that Jay had made for her on repeat.

She wanted to throw the CD away, break it into two and toss it into the trash but she couldn't. Freddy's crooning to "Love of my Life" stayed on repeat so much that the CD had started skipping. But Erin didn't care. She just laid in bed and let the words of the song stab her repeatedly in the heart. When she first heard the song, she couldn't really understand the emotion and the pain that was behind Freddy's voice. She didn't understand just why he sounded so sorrowful and heartbroken, singing about the love of his life. Now she understood. It was a miserable lesson to learn.

She wanted answers from Jay. If he didn't want to keep his promises to her, that was one thing. But she still deserved an answer about what happened. There was a nagging feeling in her brain that he had ignored her because he had given into Bunny's pressure and disdain of him being in her life. But even so, he still promised her that he wouldn't. Maybe Jay was just used to breaking all of his promises to her.

Erin knew she'd get over her heartbreak someday. One day. Eventually. The sting of the rejection would fade and maybe she would even find love again. That was still possible even though it didn't feel like it right now.

Because all she felt like right now was that things couldn't get worse.

Then she missed her period.

---

Fall 2021

Erin fixed the blazer she was wearing and then swept her hair behind her ear. She couldn't stop fidgeting or bouncing her leg up and down. She was just so damn nervous. She had no reason to be. The smart part of her brain was telling her that it should be Jay that should be scared to see her, not the other way around. After all, he was the one that broke her heart and left her alone to deal with all the fallout. He was the one who broke his promises, not her.

It all seemed so long ago. Seventeen years. She had been just seventeen herself at the time. But even at 34 years old, there was still a part of her that still hadn't completely healed from what happened that summer. How could it? It had been such a rollercoaster— the highest of high and the lowest of low. She grew up that summer and it played a big role in who she was today.

"Ms. Lindsay, Mr. Halstead will see you now," his secretary called out, breaking Erin out of her memories. She gave the blonde secretary a polite smile of acknowledgement and followed her down the hallway. Snatch Headquarter was beautiful. The architecture was modern and cutting edge. Erin envied it so much. Golden Pages used to have an office building just like this before they were forced to downsize. Now they were just a tiny office located next to a Starbucks and a pizza place. Not exactly an image that screamed a successful publishing company.

Golden Pages was floundering. That was the only reason Erin was here. She was determined to keep the company open but it was easier said than done. They were bleeding clients daily and the published works that they did have weren't selling well enough. Erin already had to sell a lot of her personal items to keep the company afloat and her employees paid. There wasn't much more to sell.

So when Al had suggested that she meet with Jay Halstead to pitch him the idea of publishing his biography, Erin knew she had to suck it up regarding her feelings about Jay and what happened between them and put the company first. Biographies were so popular these days, like Michelle Obama's that stayed on the bestseller list for weeks. And Jay was the perfect candidate.

She took a deep breath as the secretary opened the double door and waved her hand for Erin to go in. Erin's feet felt unsteady and her heart was nearly beating out of her chest at the thought of coming face to face with Jay in just seconds. She gathered all the courage she had and walked in.

"Mr. Halstead, Ms. Lindsay," the secretary made the introduction before excusing herself. Erin's eyes followed the attractive blonde and her mind wondered if she and Jay had ever hooked up. She had no idea why her mind even went there but it did.

Jay was standing by the ceiling to floor window, looking out at the view outside. Erin barely registered the breathtaking view of the Empire State building and the Hudson river in the periphery. Instead her focus immediately went to the man with his back turned to her. Jay had his hands tucked into his pants pockets and he barely acknowledged his secretary announcing Erin's arrival.

Erin stood in her spot, not knowing what to do next. He wasn't turning around and he was standing so still. She took him in. He had certainly grown. He was no longer the tall and skinny boy she knew. Now he filled out his designer suit extremely well and with every minuscule movement he made, Erin saw his shoulder blades jumped.

"Mr. Halstead," Erin broke the silence first, sounding much more confident than she was feeling inside.

Only then did Jay finally turn, their eyes meeting for the first time in 17 years.

It felt like all the air got sucked out of the room and there was a deafening silence pounding in Erin's ears. Laying eyes on Jay after everything that happened— things he knew about and things he didn't— was much more difficult than she had expected. Erin wanted to turn around and walk back out. She wasn't ready.

"Erin." Erin took in a sharp inhale at hearing his voice. His voice was much deeper now. It was rich and calm— sounding so confident and self-assured. Erin guessed becoming a self-made billionaire did that to a man.

"It's Ms. Lindsay," Erin found herself saying. 'Erin' felt too personal. She wasn't here for personal reasons. She was here strictly for business.

Jay's jaw twitched at her correction. "Ms. Lindsay." Now he just sounded strained and tense.

Good.

Why should she be the only one uncomfortable? He invited her to take a seat and Erin sat down. Now that they were both sitting, Erin had the perfect view to study Jay. He had been so cute back then— all baby faced and freckled. Now the baby face was gone and the freckles had lightened. He was no longer the boy with bright blue eyes, an easy smile and a baby face. Now he was a man with chiseled features, steely sapphire eyes and a knowing smirk. There was a hardened look to him now, indicating just how mature and strong he had become. The years had been kind to him. Jay was dressed impeccably. Erin might not be able to afford designer clothes now but she could still spot a Zegna suit from a mile away.

Just as much as she was raking her eyes over him, she knew that Jay was doing the same to her. She hated that she felt self-conscious but she honestly felt like an unattractive and under groomed church mouse compared to him. Her hair was now a chestnut brown since she couldn't afford to keep up with the highlights. Her clothes were from seasons past— a rotation of a few solid and versatile pieces that she couldn't part with, and her make-up was minimal. Just a few coats of mascara, light base and a thin layer of gloss. Certainly a far cry from the dressed to kill hot blonde Jay had hired as his secretary.

"So how can I help you today?" Jay jumped right into business which Erin appreciated. She didn't think she could do small talk and fake pleasantries with him.

"I wanted to talk to you about possibly publishing your biography," Erin began her pitch. "Golden Pages is interested in publishing your biography. We think that you are the perfect subject and people are interested in you." She continued on, trying not to trip over her words. She knew that Jay was slightly interested and that was the whole reason why Al had approached her with the idea. Erin wished that Al was here with her right now. He was still in touch with Jay, he could do the pitch way better than she could. She could barely look at the guy without her stomach doing their best impression of Cirque du Soleil.

Erin finished her pitch and waited for Jay's reaction. He had his elbows propped up on the armrests and his fingers laced together. He looked every bit like a stereotypical boss that so many romance novels were written about. Erin wanted to throw up.

"So what do you think?" Erin asked.

Jay looked like he was thinking it over, only he didn't take his eyes off of her. Erin shifted in her seat, not really knowing how to react under the heat of his stare. She was trying so hard to pretend that this was just another regular client pitch meeting, not her meeting with her first boyfriend after seventeen years. She was trying to bury the history they shared in the ground. She regarded him with an impatient look. She just wanted an answer already. Maybe this was just a game to him. Jay getting his rocks off from knowing that Erin needed his help.

"I just have one question," Jay finally spoke.

"What is it?"

"Why me?"

Erin's eyebrow furrowed. "Excuse me?"

"Why do you want to publish a biography about me?" Jay clarified. "What makes me the perfect candidate?"

Erin wanted to yell and scream. She had just given him a ten minute pitch and had covered it already. She swallowed her anger down and pasted a professional look on her face. "As I said in my pitch, I believe that…."

"No," Jay interrupted her. "I already heard your pitch. It's nothing new or different from the dozens I've already heard from bigger publishing companies." That stung Erin. "I want to know your real thoughts. Not what you think I want to hear."

Erin seriously doubted that Jay'd want to know her real thoughts about him. Along with his bank account, Erin guessed that Jay's ego would've grown right alongside it. An ego that was probably too big to take her scathing feelings toward him. So Erin pushed aside her animosity for the guy and thought of her company's well-being.

"You're the perfect candidate because you're one of the most successful men under 40 year old today," Erin started. "You're private about your personal life and aside from a few charity events, you're not in the public eye. But what the public has seen about you, they seem to like. You intrigue them. You top the eligible bachelors list every year, you're the talk of social media and you are the CEO of one of the most popular and used sites today."

Jay let out a hum. "I keep my life personal for a reason. I don't want the media and other nosy people in my business. So allowing my life to be published in a biography is something that's not in my best interest."

"The media attention from the book would only increase traffic and popularity for Snatch," Erin argued.

He chuckled. "Snatch is already the most used ecommerce site. I don't really need help in that area."

Erin gritted her teeth at his cocky reply. "Okay, how about this? Eventually you're going to venture out into other areas of business and you will need media and the public attention on your side when you do. People may like you but they already have this image of you as the aloof, cold, lonely billionaire playboy. This biography can be your chance to change the image the public has of you. You can put out an image you want to portray."

Jay ran his tongue over his teeth and took a few minutes. "Alright."

"Alright?" Erin asked, trying not to get her hopes up. "Does that mean you agree to sign with Golden Pages?"

"Yes." Erin couldn't believe it, especially after hearing that Jay had gotten pitches and offers from bigger companies. "On one condition."

Erin should've known it was too good to be true. Of course, it wouldn't be that easy. When had things gone right for her in recent years? "What is it?"

"I want you to write the book."

Erin let out a scoff. "I'm not an author. I'm just a publisher."

"That's my condition." Jay got up like he was done with the meeting. Erin got on her feet too but she wasn't ready to leave yet. "Think it over and if you can accept my condition, then you can consider me as signed on."

"Hold on," Erin held her hand up. "Why do you want me as an author? We have a really amazing writer lined up for you."

Jay buttoned up his suit. "As I said, I don't want people poking around in my business and letting a biography be written about me is invasive enough. I don't need a strange author I've never met before stuck to my side 24/7 to ask me personal questions."

"That's literally the whole point of a biography," Erin pointed out.

"Maybe," Jay said, smirking. "But that's my condition. I want you to be the author of it. I want you to write my biography."

Erin was this close to pulling her hair out. Kevin Atwater was the author Erin had in mind for Jay's biography. Not only was Kevin one of the best writers she knew, Kevin and Jay had so much in common. They were around the same age, Kevin was from Chicago and they had similar life experiences. But every reason and justifications of why Erin wouldn't be a good choice went inside one ear and out the other.

"I need to think about it," Erin replied. As much as she wanted the biography to be published, she needed to really think about what it would mean if she signed on as his author. First of all, her skills as an author would be put to the test. She had graduated with a minor in English Lit and she liked to dabble in writing but she wasn't a writer. She was a publisher. There was a world of difference between the two.

Not to mention, she'd have to spend a lot of time with her ex-boyfriend. Her heart hadn't completely healed from everything that happened seventeen years ago. The wounds hadn't completely closed and she was scared that just being in close proximity with Jay would just reopen every single wound— even the ones Jay didn't know about. Her most painful memories and the most difficult thing Erin had ever gone through.

Jay didn't seem happy by her answer but he still didn't push her. "I'll give you three days. After that, the deal is off the table."

Erin nodded stiffly. "Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Halstead." She saw Jay winced at her addressing him as Mr. Halstead, like she somehow hurt him. She nearly cackled at the act he was putting on, pretending as though he was the injured party. Screw him.

---

After the suffocating meeting, Erin nearly ran out of the beautiful and enormous office building. She needed to get some air and get herself together before she headed over to the daycare center. She quickly stepped inside a bathroom at a coffee shop and took a few deep breaths. She looked at herself in the mirror and for a brief moment, she saw the girl she was at seventeen.

This was how much Jay affected her. All those years of trying to move past what happened yet just 30 minutes with him had destroyed everything she worked at. She grunted in frustration, hating herself for letting herself to be this affected still.

She splashed cold water on her face and slapped herself a few times, hoping she'd snap out of it. She gathered her hair in a ponytail and headed out, still a bit shaky but better than before. She didn't want to be late.

One of the best parts of living in New York was the public transit. She didn't have to drive everywhere like she did back in Tower Lakes. So as she sat on the subway, she quickly shot off a few texts to her team about her meeting. They were curious about her thoughts or whether she'd agree to his condition. To be honest, Erin still wasn't sure herself. She was still reeling from the meeting and couldn't even put her thoughts together just yet.

She definitely needed to think more about it before she jumped into anything that would force her to be around Jay Halstead more than she needed to. She arrived at her stop so she exited the subway and headed up the stairs. She checked her watch and cussed to herself when she saw that she was late.

"Fuck!" Erin quickened her pace and crossed the street when the daycare center came into view. She rushed inside the place, an apology already on her lips for the teacher. "I'm so sorry."

Thankfully, the daycare worker knew Erin and was one of the nicest people Erin had ever met. "No worries Ms. Lindsay. It happens."

Erin gave her a thankful smile. "Thank you, Jane." She shifted her attention to the tiny girl standing next to Jane and Erin bent down, placing her hand on her knees. "Hi, Soo. Ready to go home?"

Soo nodded and took Erin's offered hand. "Say bye to Ms. Jane." Erin and Soo waved goodbye and headed home.

Soo regaled Erin with the tales of adventure in daycare the whole way home, Erin chiming in all the right places. She loved hearing the small girl talk about anything and everything. Despite her shy demeanor and tiny size, Soo could talk anyone's ear off. It was freaking cute.

They finally got back to their building and made their way up to Erin's walk-up apartment. It wasn't her first choice for an apartment and Bed Stuy wasn't her first choice of neighborhood but it was affordable and Erin didn't have many options. They entered her small apartment and Erin turned on the light, Soo already heading to her favorite chair in the place.

Erin just smiled at seeing the girl as she took off and hung her blazer. "So are you hungry, Soo?"

The raven haired girl nodded. "I want mac and cheese."

"Mac and cheese? You got it!" Erin washed her hands and started prepping dinner. Soo's choices of dinner were definitely fattening but thankfully, she was only here a couple of times a week. If she was here everyday, then Erin would've already ballooned up.

After she was done with the mac and cheese, she served both of them small portions.

"Kimchi, please."

Erin chuckled and got up from her stool to grab the container of kimchi in her fridge. "How can I forget?" She scooped each of them a small serving and watched as the girl went to town. Erin took a bite of the mac and cheese and kimchi. A strange but delicious combination and Erin loved it ever since Soo's mom, Eunice, introduced the fermented cabbage to her.

After they finished their dinner, Erin cleaned the kitchen, making sure to save a serving for Eunice. Then she joined Soo's playtime and kept her entertained until she heard knocks on her door.

"Your mom's here, Soo!" Erin exclaimed as she got up to answer the door. Just as she expected, the younger Korean girl was on the other side.

"Hi, Erin. Thanks for watching Soo again."

"It's no problem, you know that." Erin had told Eunice again and again that she didn't mind watching Soo a few times a week whenever she could. She didn't need Eunice to thank her every time yet every time Eunice would without fail. "We had mac and cheese for dinner and we saved you some."

Eunice took the plate and let out a happy sigh. "Thank you. I'm so beat so anytime I don't have to cook dinner, it's a win."

Erin laughed and helped gather Soo's things before handing them over to her mom. "Just let me know when you need me to pick Soo up and watch her again."

"Thanks again, Erin. You're a lifesaver, really."

Erin waved the mother-daughter bye and watched as they made their way over to their own apartment across the hall before closing her door. Now she was alone.

She sat down on her small couch and just took a moment for herself. It had been a long day and her mind was still so messed up from the meeting with Jay. There was still a decision to be made about the biography and Jay's condition. She had no idea what to do.

A squeal of laughter permeated through the thin walls of her apartment and Erin found herself smiling. It was coming from Eunice and Soo next door and it wasn't long before Erin's smile fell and a heavy feeling took over her.

She had met the mother-daughter duo when she first moved into the apartment a few years ago. That time, Soo was barely a few months old and Eunice was barely a high school graduate. She was a teenage mom, all on her own. It was easy for Erin to connect with that.

After all, Erin was almost in Eunice's position.

It was something she didn't like to think a lot about. She had tried to place a permanent mental block for September of 2004. But it was impossible. Not when it was the most impactful decision she made for herself and the hardest.

She still vividly remembered the terrifying feeling of sneaking in her bathroom with a pregnancy test and feeling like her whole life ended when the test came back positive. She had been so alone. She knew she couldn't tell Bunny. Her relationship with Bunny and Johnny was strained from what happened. Besides, there was only one person she wanted to tell.

Jay had seemingly disappeared from the face of the earth. She couldn't reach him by phone or AIM. She tried calling hundreds of times but to no avail. No one ever picked up. There was a baby growing inside of her and the father of the baby didn't even know. No one did. It was a secret Erin was going to keep to herself as long as she could.

In a moment of desperation, Erin ran away from home and booked herself a ticket back to Tower Lakes. She was determined to see Jay in person and tell him about the baby. The baby that they created together. She was so scared. She had no idea what to do next. She was only 17 and she was pregnant. It could derail her whole life plan that she and Bunny envisioned for her. After all, how was she going to attend Harvard and raise a baby by herself?

She knew she had scared Bunny and Johnny to death when she just disappeared in the middle of the day and it wouldn't be long before they put the pieces together of where Erin had run off to. There was only one place she could go. Back to Tower Lakes. Back to Jay.

Evelyn was surprised to see Erin at her doorstep and Erin was surprised to see the state of Jay's mom. She looked miserable. Her hair was greasy and her skin was dry. There was an empty look in her eyes and she looked like a shell of herself. Gone was the warm and pleasant woman and in her place was someone Erin didn't recognize.

"What are you doing here, Erin?" Her tone wasn't welcoming.

"I need to talk to Jay. It's really important, Evelyn," Erin replied.

A dark look flashed across Evelyn's face. "Jay's not here," she croaked. "He...he's not here."

Erin didn't know if Evelyn was still lying or not. She truly did look devastated when she gave Erin the answer. But then again, she had been lying through her teeth the last time Erin had sought Jay out, knowing that he was listening upstairs. Erin didn't trust her. She didn't believe her.

"Evelyn, it's really important that I talk to Jay." Erin wanted to just blurt out that she was pregnant with Jay's baby but she bit on her tongue. She couldn't. "If he's upstairs, then please tell him to come down and just talk to me for a minute."

"I already told you he's gone. He's not here!" Evelyn yelled and Erin winced. "Just go back to New York, Erin. Jay's not here and he's never coming back!"

With that Evelyn slammed the door on her face. Erin wanted to yell and scream, just throw everything down to the ground. She couldn't do this alone. She couldn't be pregnant and have the baby. Not when she didn't know where Jay was.

She needed to tell her parents. As horrible as it'd be, Erin knew she needed to tell them.

There was still a lot of guilt Erin was carrying about getting an abortion, even if she was sure that she had made the right decision. There was still something gnawing at her, like would she have gotten one if Jay was in the picture? It was something she didn't know the answer to. But the fact remained that she had been alone when she found out she was pregnant and Jay was nowhere to be found. He had abandoned her when she needed him the most and that was no way to raise a baby together.

Erin wiped her tears away as the memories of being on the cold table by herself came back to mind. Bunny and Johnny had gotten a private doctor that knew how to keep his mouth shut to perform the abortion. Bunny couldn't have the news that her teenage daughter got knocked up getting out. It would've ruined their reputation, not to mention Erin's. So they had taken her into a nondescript office and they propped her up on a cold table. Erin was numb throughout the whole procedure and thirty minutes later, she was no longer pregnant. And a couple of days of private recovery later, she was back out in the world, pretending as though her life hadn't changed. That she was still the same Erin she had been before she left for the Tower Lakes that summer.

She was never the same after that.

That was why it was so damn hard for Erin to see Jay face to face again. There was a lot of hurt and resentment towards him for abandoning her, for just cutting her off without an explanation or a goodbye. He was a coward and Erin hated him.

No, she wanted to hate him.

But their earlier meeting had told her that she couldn't. She didn't like the guy and she wasn't going to jump into his arms or drop her panties for him like she was sure all the women would do. But she just couldn't muster up hatred in her heart for him. Especially not during those brief moments when she saw past his more mature exterior and saw glimpses of the boy she fell in love.

It would be much easier if she hated him. Or better yet, she was numb to him. Most of the day, Erin felt like she was numb to everything else. Work had been her sole focus of years now, especially as of late when the company was having troubles. Even when her engagement to Kelly Severide ended a couple of years ago, Erin just moved on like it had been nothing. She didn't cry or scream or throw things around when they broke up.

It would've been much easier if she could do the same with Jay now.

Erin didn't think she could do it— work with Jay and pretend they didn't have history together. Pretend as though they could remain professional. She needed to turn him down and if she lost him and his biography, then so be it.

Then she glanced over at the empty space on her bookshelf and she was reminded of just why she couldn't. The space used to occupy some of her most prized possessions. First editions of her favorite books. Johnny had gifted them to her every Christmas since she was 11 years old and she had held onto them for almost 20 years. But when Golden Pages started having trouble and Erin couldn't find money to pay her employees or keep the company open, she made the painstaking decision to put the books up for auction. She didn't know who had their hands on her books now and she didn't want to know. Because it made no difference. They weren't hers, anymore.

Erin sighed and rubbed her face. There was no point in driving herself crazy by overthinking now. It wasn't as though she had an option anyway. Not if she wanted to keep Golden Pages open.

She had to take Jay's offer.

---

She was back in Jay's office again and he was wearing yet another Zegna suit. A dark blue one this time that made his eyes smolder. Erin chided herself for even noticing that. She didn't need to be looking at Jay and his features. She was here to work. That was it.

Jay looked like he wanted to gloat at Erin accepting his condition. The smirk on his face had yet to fall and he was acting like he had Erin cornered. Then again, he did. Erin didn't want to be here but she had no choice.

"We should set up some guidelines before we start working together."

Jay's eyebrows rose. "What kind of guidelines?" Erin took out a file she had worked on and Jay's lips twitched when he saw the amount of papers stapled together. "That seems like a lot of guidelines. You've been putting a lot of thoughts into it."

"I am a professional and it'd be best that we have everything covered," Erin replied.

Jay just shrugged. "What's the first rule?"

"Guideline— we can't speak of our past," Erin began but Jay held his finger up immediately.

"How can we not talk about our past when we're writing my biography?" Jay asked. "I thought that was the whole point of a biography in the first place."

Erin smacked her lips, exasperated. He was just pushing her button. "We can talk about your past and your experiences that led you to the position you are in today. However, my name doesn't need to come up. I am not going to be a part of your biography."

It was the first time Erin was addressing the elephant in the room— the unspoken fact that they had a past together.

"But you are part of my past," Jay replied. "The most important part."

Erin wasn't sure if he meant for her to hear the last part since he said it so softly. Erin hated how her heart jolted. She didn't want to be affected by Jay. She wanted to pretend that he was just another client, someone that was a means to an end.

"Second," Erin continued, changing the topic. "We will set up a schedule to work on the book. You will be dictating your life story to me and I will write as I see fit. You will have approval and a say, of course."

Jay nodded, easily agreeing with her. "Third," Jay spoke, adding in his own guideline. "My schedule is erratic and unpredictable so you will have to be flexible with your schedule. If I'm free on a random Sunday, then I'm free on a random Sunday."

Erin narrowed her eyes. "So I'm bound by your schedule and I'm at your beck and call? You do realize that I'm a busy person myself too. I don't have time to answer your every call."

Jay just smirked. "I imagine that this biography will be your biggest project so I know you won't mind keeping your schedule open for me." Erin wanted to smack the smug look from his face. "So if there are times that your date with your boyfriend gets interrupted then so be it."

Erin wondered if Jay was fishing around by throwing the word 'boyfriend' into the conversation. His eyes were looking at her, studying her, to see if she would confirm or deny that she had a boyfriend. So naturally, Erin just ignored his statement and she saw his jaw twitch. She smirked inwardly at how frustrated he looked.

"Four, you will sign an exclusive contract with Golden Pages. There will be a non-compete clause added stating that you are not allowed to work with any other publishers should this biography fall through."

"For how long?"

"Five years," Erin replied.

Jay shrugged. "Fine by me."

"Good."

"Alright, what else?" Jay prodded. Erin took a deep breath before she finished off her guideline, she and Jay making changes here and there with a few minor arguments sprinkled in.

By the time they had hammered out the details and the guideline, Erin felt like she had argued an important and high profile case in front of the Supreme Court. But they were done and it was all that matters.

"I look forward to working with you, Ms. Lindsay," Jay offered, smirking when he called her by her last name, like he found it ridiculous that she didn't let him call her Erin.

But Erin didn't find it ridiculous. It was a necessary boundary for her. She was already risking a lot of herself, agreeing to work with Jay. She needed to protect herself.

"As do I, Mr. Halstead." Erin got ready to leave but Jay offered his hand for a handshake. Erin hesitated.

"Come on," Jay encouraged her. "We have to shake on it."

Erin took his hand and gave him a hand shake, their skin touching for the first time in almost two decades. She hated it when she felt electricity shoot up her arms. How was it that just the simplest touch from him could affect her so much?" It was ridiculous. She was over Jay but apparently, her body hadn't gotten the message yet.

She quickly pulled her hand back and made her way toward the door. Jay followed her, beating her to the punch and he opened the door for her.

"I'll see you later, Erin," Jay practically purred in her ear as he held the door open, their bodies brushing up against each other. Erin wanted to smack the smirk on his face and pulled him into a kiss at the same time. The close proximity was both intoxicating and infuriating.

Before she did something stupid, Erin knew she had to get out of there. So she hightailed it, feeling Jay's stare on her back the entire walk to the elevator. Erin's body sagged against the wall as soon as the elevator door closed.

She had no idea how she was going to survive working with Jay. All she could do was hope that she would come out of this alive, or better yet, her heart still intact.

---

It was a nice fall Sunday afternoon. The leaves had already changed colors and were all over the ground, covering the road of the park near her apartment. There were piles of leaves on the grass and Erin kept watch as Soo jumped into a pile for the fifth time. Her laugh was infectious.

"Erin, watch me!" Soo yelled, wanting Erin's attention.

"I am!" Erin returned. "Be careful, bug!"

Soo nodded before she jumped into the leaves again, squealing happily. Erin couldn't help but smile at the childish wonder and joy. It was beautiful to watch.

"Who's the cute kid?"

Erin nearly jumped out of her skin when Jay's voice came right next to her. She placed her hand over her chest and tried to calm herself down. He looked amused that he scared her.

"What are you doing here?" Erin asked, trying to get herself under control. Bed Stuy was a neighborhood that someone like Jay wouldn't just find themselves in. So what was he doing here? And more importantly, how did Jay know she was here?

"Al told me that you'd be here," he replied casually, like it was normal for him to seek her out on a Sunday afternoon at a park just a few blocks from where she lived.

"Why are you asking Al about my whereabouts?" Erin asked.

He just shrugged. "I had time this afternoon so I thought we could get started on my biography."

Erin quirked her eyebrow. "You want to get started right now? It's Sunday."

"So? I'm not busy. Besides, remember our rule about you agreeing to work whenever I'm free? Well, I'm free now."

"Well, I'm not," Erin shot back, keeping one eye on Soo. Luckily, she was still distracted by the leaves.

"Is she yours?"

Erin's heart stilled and her breath hitched at Jay's question. To him, it was an innocent question. A joke. But to her, it was a painful reminder of what happened.

He must've seen the look on her face. "Erin, I'm just joking. I know she's not your daughter." Jay watched Soo play. "She's cute though."

Erin just nodded, willing her heart to stop beating like drums. She needed to calm herself down. "She is."

"Who is she?"

"Her name is Soo. She's my neighbor's daughter. I babysit for her sometimes," Erin replied.

"Ah." Jay started to walk over to Soo, Erin following right behind him. As soon as Jay got to the girl, she just looked at Jay with apprehensive eyes. "Hi," Jay greeted her warmly. "Your name is Soo, right?"

Soo nodded meekly. "Who are you?"

Jay got on his knees so he was face to face with Soo. "My name is Jay Halstead and I'm a friend of Erin's."

"Hardly," Erin mumbled under her breath. She knew Jay heard it but he just chose to ignore it.

"You like jumping into the leaves?" Jay asked. Soo nodded, all excited. "Me too. Although it has been a long time. Where I grew up, we had so many leaves just like this and me and my brother, we'd just jump into the pile."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah. We'd put all the leaves together into this huge pile and just jumped in them all day long," Jay continued, making exaggerated expressions that amused Soo. "I'm talking huge piles. Hey, I got an idea. How about we build a pile as big as the ones I had?"

"Yeah!" Soo agreed.

"The bigger the better," Jay exclaimed. He laughed at the excitement on Soo's face and turned to Erin who just watched the interaction silently.

She felt like she was transported into another world at seeing how Jay interacted with Soo, like he was a natural. She wanted to cry. She was just so grateful that Soo was fully Korean and shared not a single similar feature as Jay. Otherwise, she would surely break. It would just remind her of the baby she could've had with Jay, the happy scene playing out in another time, another way.

Erin just couldn't do it.

So she picked Soo up hastily, Jay surprised by her abrupt change in mood.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked.

Erin just carried the little girl in her arms. "Yes. I have to go." She was avoiding his eyes. She couldn't look at him right now. It was just too painful.

"What...what about the biography?" Jay asked, sounding hopeful.

Erin just shook her head. "I'm not feeling entirely well, Mr. Halstead." Erin saw him flinch again at the usage of his last name. "I will work with you another day."

She didn't bother waiting for him to reply. She just needed to get out of there. The image of Jay interacting so sweetly with Soo was already burned in Erin's head and her heart was aching. Ideas and images of what could've been played out in her head the whole walk home and no matter what Erin did, she couldn't shake them.

Erin just wanted to get out of this unscathed but now it just seemed impossible.