Fall 2021
The headquarters of Snatch was architecturally beautiful and majestic. It loomed over the streets of Manhattan like it was a king and every pedestrian was its subject. The building had enough stories and rooms to house every homeless person in New York City and then some. But for Erin, it couldn't have been suffocating enough.
She dreaded coming here.
But she had no choice— which seemed to be the theme of her life lately— so she sucked it up and entered the building with her shoulders straight and her eyes set. She was trying to put out an image of an indestructible and powerful publisher-turned-writer. The last thing she wanted was for Jay to think that she was intimidated.
The same blonde secretary in yet another killer outfit led her to Jay's office. Erin studied the blonde from behind— her Hermes dress, to her Louboutin shoes to the Cartier bracelet on her wrist that dangled with every step she took. Erin wondered just how much Jay paid his employees for his secretary to afford such an expensive wardrobe. Maybe she didn't buy it in the first place. Maybe Jay gifted them to her after they….
Erin shook her head, stopping herself from going further down that train of thought. It didn't matter if Jay was screwing his secretary or any other women in his office building. She didn't care. What he did was his own business. She was just there to write his life story, publish it and go back to never seeing him again.
The secretary knocked on his office door and Jay's voice came through from the other side telling them to come in. Erin walked into the large but minimally decorated office, her head held high. She may not have the money and wealth to her name now but she still had her pride. That was something that she was never selling.
"Mr. Halstead," the secretary announced Erin before making her leave. Erin tried to thank her with a small but received nothing but a thinly veiled scowl in the process. Whatever. She had more things to worry about than what the woman thought of her.
Like the smirking bastard sitting at his desk with his fingers crossed.
"Mr. Halstead," Erin greeted him out of politeness and necessity. As much as she hated to admit it, she did need him. Needed him to keep up his agreement of allowing his life story to be told in a book. Jay Halstead's biography was the biggest project Golden Pages had in years and Kim, who was in charge of P.R, had started sending in teasers and "leaked" gossip about one being the works. No one was surprised to see the reaction and response the news got from the public. Just the thought of the public getting an inside look at the private life of Jay was enough for everyone to start salivating and running to social media, begging for the release date.
So in short, this was a project that Erin couldn't fuck up. No matter what her feelings for the subject were.
"Ms. Lindsay. Sit," Jay waved to the empty chair in front of him. Erin sat down at the cushy chair, nearly groaning in how comfortable and lush his office chair felt. It was clear he spared no expense when it came to his office. There were some expensive artwork hanging on the walls, next to bookcases, and a few fine China decors scattered. Not too much but just enough so that anyone walking in would know that he was loaded.
"Thank you for meeting with me today. We can get started on the book." She took out her laptop and her voice recorder— both of which had seen better days but they were still functioning and it was all that mattered. She saw Jay frowned at the items and Erin ignored it— trying not to feel small under his disapproving gaze.
She cleared her throat to get his attention and Jay's eyes snapped up to her. An easy smile came over his face and he settled back into his chair. "Sure. So where do we start?"
"We want to get an inside and intimate look into your life, Mr. Halstead," Erin began explaining, her tone taking on a professional demeanor. "What made you the successful man that you are today, the adversity that you've faced, the trials and tribulations that led you to become the founder of Snatch. We also want to include any words of wisdom you may have for readers who are starting out, who want to be in your shoes."
Jay took her words in, his brows creasing. "An intimate look?" He sounded skeptical. "Like I said, I value my privacy. I don't like people knowing about my private life."
That was an understatement. After the run-in at the park and her emotional outburst, Erin knew she needed to be prepared to deal with him. She couldn't have him sneak up on her and take her off-guard like he did at the park again. There was too much riding on this. The success of her book, the well-being of the Golden Pages and last but not least, her sanity. So Erin had wiped her tears off and searched Jay up on the internet for the first time in years.
There wasn't much about him. Just a few basic facts about him that were repeated on most websites. Where he graduated from— M.I.T. Which year he started Snatch— 2012. Where he resided— Manhattan. Nothing about his life back in Tower Lakes or even before that, North Dakota. No mentions of his family or his childhood. Obviously that was done for a reason, given just how many times Jay had stressed about his preference for privacy.
"I will try not to get too personal with my questions but you have to understand, the reason why people are so interested in your biography is because you're a mystery. You don't parade around in front of the media like other moguls. You barely make a handful of public appearances each year and they're mostly all for charity. People are curious about you. They want to know more about you."
Jay smirked. "Seems like the public isn't the only one who's curious about me. You've been researching me?"
Erin stiffened at the teasing and almost flirtatious tone his voice took on. It didn't help that his eyes were sparkling like he was amused by her. "It's called research," Erin bit out, putting a stop to any thoughts that this was more than work for her. It wasn't.
Jay nodded, conceding. "Sure," he said, dismissively. "But I reserve the right to refute any questions that I deem too personal."
"Within reason," Erin negotiated.
Jay narrowed his eyes. "I have a feeling we'll be arguing about this a lot."
"I can't just give you full control on which questions you want to answer. I am writing a book here. It has to be interesting and for that, we need to get personal. Your penchant for privacy has been waved away the second you signed on for this book."
"So I'm at your mercy?" Jay asked, his eyes glinting. "Hmm, not a bad place to be," he muttered quietly. Yet another quietly said comment that Erin wasn't sure he meant for her to hear. She shook her head, pretending as though she didn't. Professionalism. Remain professional. She repeated that mantra in her head.
"How about we just get started with the questions and we'll cross the bridge when we get to it?" Erin suggested, turning her voice recorder on. She cleared her throat. "Mr. Halstead, let's start with the basics. How did Snatch come about? How did you get the idea to start your own ecommerce empire?"
Thankfully, Jay looked like he was taking the task seriously. He sat up in his chair and pursed his lips, thinking of his answer. "I was in M.I.T, in my second year. I was living in this shitty apartment with my roommate and neither of us had a car. We relied on public transportation and it wasn't always convenient or easy to go get the supplies and things we needed. It was around the time there were only a couple of ecommerce websites but neither options were great, in terms of the layout of the website, the availability of the products, the ease of usability for the customers. My roommate and I saw an opening in the market for a site that ecompasses all the good parts of the ecommerce website and we jumped on it."
"Your roommate?"
"Greg Gerwitz," Jay replied. Erin recalled the name when she was researching Jay last night. Like Jay, there wasn't a lot of information for Greg. Just a few snippets of how the man mostly worked behind the scene at Snatch and was rarely seen in public.
"He was your partner during the start-up?"
Jay nodded. "He has been with me every step of the way." His eyes clouded over like he was deep in a memory but he quickly snapped himself out of it. "Um...yeah. I don't know where Snatch would be without Greg. He's the tech genius out of the two of us."
Erin's brows lifted, impressed by what Jay had told her. Jay was always great around computers and technology back then so if he was praising this Greg, then he had to be really good.
"Is he with the company today?"
"He is. Snatch is his company as much as it is mine," Jay replied. "But he doesn't like to be in the public eye, even more than I do. He prefers to work behind the scenes."
"I see," Erin murmured, making a note on it. She really had to meet this Greg at least once. He'd have more insight into Jay that no one would be able to give her. "So the two of you meet as students at M.I.T?"
"No," Jay answered, his voice taking on a strange tone. "We..um...we met before that."
Erin's head came up and took in the expression on his face. It was guarded and harder than it was a minute ago. Something about her question clearly hit his nerve. "Where did you meet?"
Jay's eyes dropped to his table, avoiding her gaze. "We met before M.I.T."
She frowned at his vague answer. "Yes, I understand that. But where exactly did the two of you meet?" Erin wondered if this would be the first personal question that Jay was opposed to. She didn't get it if it was. There wasn't anything too personal and invasive about asking him where he met his best friend.
Jay's jaw worked and for a second, Erin thought she'd have an argument on her hand about the question. "We met in the military," Jay replied finally, catching Erin off-guard. She was not expecting that. "We trained together in Fort Jackson before we got deployed."
"You were in the military?" Erin asked, stunned. "When?"
Jay met her eyes and she saw so many conflicting emotions swirling in his baby blues. Like it was a pool of secrets and mysteries that he was hiding from her. Answers to the questions she had for almost two decades.
Jay's throat bobbed. "Is it really important?" he tried to avoid the question. "The point is that Greg is someone that is instrumental to the founding of Snatch and leave it at that."
"When were you in the military?" Erin asked again, not allowing him to avoid the question. Jay had been running and avoiding for the last 17 years and she was tired of it. "When did you sign up for the military?"
Jay looked like he knew Erin wouldn't give up until she got the answer. "I signed up for the army when I was 18 years old. A couple of weeks after I turned 18."
Erin's breath hitched. She didn't even need to do the math in her mind. The whole summer of 2004 was burned so badly into her brain at this point. The way Erin was dragged back home by her parents just a couple of days before Jay's 18th birthday. How Evelyn told her that Jay was gone when Erin had snuck back to Tower Lakes to tell him about her pregnancy.
If what Jay was saying was the truth then Evelyn wasn't lying back then. He really wasn't in Tower Lakes when Erin had begged his mom to talk to him. But she just couldn't wrap her mind around the whole thing. Jay never seemed like a person that would join the army. He always talked about how he wasn't athletic growing up. Why would someone like that join the army?
"What made you join the army?"
"Circumstances." His one-worded answer was accompanied by a hard look on his face that said he was done talking about the subject.
"What kind of circum…"
"Circumstances that I don't feel like discussing right now or ever," Jay cut her off. "Now can we move on to another question or do we have to cut our meeting short today?"
It was the first time since Erin had seen Jay again that he sounded cold and chilling. Erin noticed his jaw tensing and the way his hands were fisted as they laid on his table. Erin wanted to know the answer. She had so many questions, so many unanswered questions. She was trying to work everything out in her head. She had just gotten new information about where Jay was after he ghosted her but everything was a jumbled mess in her head right now and she couldn't think straight.
"You look like you need some air," Jay said, probably after seeing the troubled look on her face. "How about we cut the meeting short and we can talk tomorrow?"
He was dismissing her, trying to get her out of his office. Erin wasn't ready to leave. She couldn't. She still had more questions to ask.
"I have.." Erin stuttered, losing her train of thoughts.
Jay gave her a small smile as he stood up and led her to the door. "I can meet you tomorrow," he offered. "How about we meet at Landry's Steakhouse for lunch? I'll be in the area tomorrow for a meeting anyway."
Erin just nodded, too confused to say anything. Even the fact that she just agreed to meet with him outside of his office escaped her mind. Jay opened the door for her and when she looked at him again, the usual easy and congenial look on his face was back, like the last part of their meeting didn't even happen.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Erin."
Erin walked all the way back to her office in a stupor. She was still trying to wrap her mind about the fact that Jay was in the military right after he turned 18. That meant he signed up for the army right after she came back to New York. Why? Why would he leave his mom alone with his drunk and abusive father? Jay had always been fiercely protective of his mom. Hell, he was even willing to forgo college because he didn't want to leave her alone with Pat. What happened? What changed?
Her staff looked excited when she got back to the office, all crowding around her table. They were eager to get the inside scoop on how the meeting went.
"Um...we had to cut it short. He had an emergency to take care of," Erin lied. Somehow she didn't think telling her staff that she was stunned and shocked into leaving would go over well. Not when everyone was depending on the book to go off without a hitch as much as she was.
She didn't have a lot of employees left for Golden Pages but everyone that stayed were loyal. Almost to a fault. Erin knew that people like Kim and Kevin could get better paying opportunities elsewhere. They were skilled, motivated and dedicated. Any other publishing house in New York would be lucky to have them. Al was also a wealth of knowledge and life experience. He had this ability to make anyone feel comfortable and open up to him. He was the best Golden Pages had to pitch ideas during bidding meetings with authors. They were the reason why Golden Pages was still functioning today and why Erin got out of bed every morning.
They deserved better and they deserved Erin to stay focused instead of getting caught up in her own emotions about what happened a lifetime ago.
"Oh, that's too bad," Kim commented, patting Erin's shoulder. "When are you meeting him next?"
"Tomorrow. I'm meeting him for lunch at Landry's Steakhouse," she answered, meeting Al's eyes. The older man looked surprised.
"Landry's?" Kevin whistled. "That's an expensive restaurant. Do we even have money in our budget to be taking clients out to that kind of restaurant?"
Kevin's question hit Erin. She hadn't thought about the cost of the lunch until now. Shit. Landry's Steakhouse was definitely not cheap. She hadn't been in years but even eight years ago, a meal could have easily been in the three figure range. It was only bound to go up now.
"Shit!" Erin cussed. "I didn't think of that."
She quickly looked up the petty money they had saved for occasions like this and frowned when she saw that there were only a couple of hundred dollar bills in the cashbox. Erin knew she only had a few hundreds in her checking account and she needed that for rent. She was screwed.
"Maybe I can call him and change locations," Erin muttered. She wondered if Jay wouldn't mind meeting at a place she could actually afford. Like at a Starbucks where both of them could order regular coffee. Tall.
"Don't worry about the money," Al spoke up. "I got it covered."
"I can't take your money, Al," Erin replied. They had made enough sacrifices for the sake of the company and Erin drew the line at actually taking money out of their pockets. "I can make it work."
She could just order a salad or a small appetizer and that should be fine. Al didn't look too happy but Erin just looked at him like she didn't want an argument. The older man relented before going back to his desk.
Erin sighed. It was just the first official day of working on the book with Jay and it was already complicated. It was taxing her emotionally already and tomorrow, it would tax her financially too.
The hostess led her to a table that Jay reserved and Erin took a seat in the booth. The restaurant was dimly lit even during the afternoon and there were quiet conversations all around. Most of the patrons were suits and ties businessmen, all looking like they were having power lunches. Erin picked up the menu while she waited for Jay to arrive.
Her eyes nearly bulged out the monetary figures on the sides of the menu. When did steaks become so damn expensive? Even a simple garden salad was nearly $20! Erin dug into her purse and counted the 3 one hundred dollar bills she had stashed in there. Hopefully, Jay wasn't the type to order wine or alcohol with his lunch.
She looked around the restaurant again, her heart feeling heavy. When she was younger, she was used to dining in fancy establishments like this. Johnny practically had his own reserved table in restaurants like this. But those were the days past. Now the fanciest restaurant in Old Saybrooke, Connecticut where Johnny and Bunny lived now was the neighborhood Appleby's. Her life was nothing like it had been when she was growing up. Ever since Bunny had met Johnny, Erin didn't have to grow up worrying about where her next meal was coming from or if her parents could afford something she needed for school.
Now? Now, she regularly did calculations in her head to see if she had enough money that she could become the star of the next "Beautiful mind". She had to budget her grocery money, and had to plan for everything she bought. She had to count and pinch pennies whenever she could. Erin wanted to scoff and slap the naive girl she had been when she was younger. The one who went around talking about how money didn't matter or how it didn't buy happiness. How haive and stupid had she been back then? Money didn't buy happiness, sure, but it sure as hell didn't hurt.
Erin pretended as though she didn't notice the leery looks of a group of businessmen sitting next to her table. They were stuffing $100 steaks in their mouth but they looked like they were still hungry, raking their eyes over her. She shifted in her seat uncomfortably, cursing Jay in her head for being late when she finally spotted him making his way over to her.
He was in another fancy suit, another Zegna if Erin had to guess, and Erin hated how handsome he looked. He was the epitome of the man romance novels were written about— the countless iterations of wealthy, gorgeous as all hell, arrogant and mysterious heroes that women just went crazy for. Erin didn't want to be one of those women but damn it, if her heart didn't skip a beat when he smiled when he saw her.
"I apologize for being late. My meeting ran longer than expected," Jay offered when he reached her table. He looked as though he was expecting Erin to stand up and greet him, his hands coming out to hold her but now lingering awkwardly when Erin remained sitting.
"As long as we can tack on the extra time at the end of the meeting," Erin stated. She was determined to stay professional this time. She made a promise to herself that she wouldn't be ruffled by whatever Jay had to say about his life. She had a book to complete.
"Of course," Jay agreed easily. "But we have to order first. I am starving." He picked up the menu, his eyes not even flinching at the prices that they would've been before. Erin still remembered the time he had taken her to the sushi restaurant and his eyes bulging at the prices. But Erin guessed now Jay was used to restaurants and prices like this. It was his idea to come here, after all.
The waitress arrived to take their order and Jay ordered a porterhouse with all the sides for himself. Erin quickly did a calculation in her head, nearly wanting to bolt out the door when she realized that Jay's meal alone would cost half her budget. She nearly toppled over in despair when he added a martini to his order.
"And for you, miss?" The waitress asked.
Erin scanned the menu quickly and ordered the cheapest item. "I'll just have a garden salad."
"Would you like a steak to accompany the salad?"
"No, thanks. Just the salad and water," Erin replied, seeing Jay's eyebrow lifting at her order.
"Are you not hungry?" Jay asked after the waitress made her exit.
Erin shook her head. " I had a big breakfast," she lied. "I'm not really hungry yet."
Jay looked like he didn't exactly believe her but he didn't push back on her lie.
"So."
"So."
They both started at the same time. Jay chuckled softly before acquiescing for Erin to go first.
"I'm just saying that we have a deadline for the book to be finished and we really can't have our meetings cut short like it did yesterday."
"Tell me again, when is the deadline?"
"Well, I prefer it to come out right before Thanksgiving just in time for the holiday season."
His eyes grew wide. "Are you serious? That's 2 months away!"
"Two and a half months, give or take a week or so," Erin corrected. Jay was regarding her like she lost her mind.
"You want to squeeze a process that usually takes 1 year into 2 months?" Erin nodded. "That seems impossible."
"We're a small publishing company, Mr. Halstead. Your biography is the main focus for our company right now," Erin admitted begrudgingly. "We are pouring all our resources into the book. Our editors are ready. Our printers are on stand-by. We want to get the first batch out at least in time for the holidays. I believe that's when the sales will do the best."
Jay was skeptical. "Still, it seems awfully rushed."
Erin bit back her comment about how the quicker the whole was over, the better. But it was the truth. The quicker she was done with the book, the quicker her life could go back to the way it was a few weeks ago. Not to mention, they truly did need the book to come out right before the holidays. The profits from the book were needed to carry the Golden Pages into next year. Erin wasn't sure if the company could survive without it.
"All better to get started right away then, isn't it?" Erin commented. She took out her voice recorder and a notebook this time. "Can we get back to the questions?"
Jay nodded. "Sure."
"What are some difficulties that you faced when you first launched Snatch? Any lessons you've learned over the years?"
Jay thought the question over. "A lot of difficulties, actually. So many roadblocks that we didn't even think about."
"Such as?"
"Well, for starters no one wanted to take two college dropouts seriously."
"You dropped out of M.I.T?" Erin asked. She didn't read that in his wiki.
Jay nodded. "Third year. Mouse and I were pretty determined to get Snatch started and school was just getting in the way. We wanted to focus all of our attention on it."
"Wait." Erin held her hand up. "Mouse?"
Jay chuckled after realizing his mistake. "Oh yeah. Mouse. Greg. That's his nickname."
"Interesting nickname," Erin muttered. "When did he get it?"
"During the…" Jay's voice went cold again. "Um...during the army."
"I see." Erin knew it was a sensitive spot for Jay and even though she was practically bursting at the seams to find out more about his time in the Army, she changed the subject. She didn't want another meeting to be cut short. "So you were saying about the roadblocks."
Jay seemed relieved to be left off the hook. "Right. Yeah like I was saying, no one wanted to take us seriously. We were just two dropouts with an idea. It was nearly impossible to find an investor to actually believe in the start-up. We had so many meetings and so many rejections. We almost gave up."
"But you didn't. And here you are."
"Here I am," Jay repeated, his eyes meeting Erin.
"You have the world by the tail."
"Don't be so sure," Jay replied cryptically, his eyes still locked on hers, only this time a meaningful look flashing across his pupils.
Erin wanted to break the eye contact but found herself unable to do so. How long had it been since she and Jay looked at each other like this? The last time Erin remembered was when Jay's body was on top of hers, him looking at her with so much love and adoration in his eyes, as he was about to enter her for the first time. The intensity that stayed between them as they made love for the first time, Jay never taking his eyes off of her the entire time.
"Here we go," the waitress came back with their food and Erin nearly wanted to jump up out of her seat to hug her gratefully. Thank god for the distraction. Jay seemed annoyed by the interruption but pasted on a smile, charming the hell out of the waitress. Erin noticed her blushing and suddenly, the goodwill Erin had toward the woman dissipated.
"Thank you," Erin stated, waiting for the waitress to get the hint and leave. The waitress didn't pay her any heed, her attention fully on Jay. Erin guessed she couldn't exactly hate the woman for noticing a handsome and obviously wealthy man. Who wouldn't?
"Thank you. That'll be all." The waitress left after Jay thanked her and Erin rolled her eyes inwardly. Sure, when it was Jay who dismissed her, the waitress got the hint. "I love the steaks here, don't you?"
Erin watched as Jay cut into his steak before taking a bite of it. She just shrugged as she moved the cherry tomato on her garden salad around. "Sure."
Jay looked at her meager salad compared to the steak feast he was having. "Are you sure you're not hungry? We can order something more substantial."
Erin shook her head. "I'm fine. Big breakfast," Erin repeated her lie. "So back to the question, Mr. Halstead." Jay looked annoyed by Erin addressing him by his last name but he didn't say anything. "What was the breakthrough moment for Snatch?"
"Have you ever heard of the saying 'all it takes is one person'?" Erin nodded mutely. "All we needed was one investor. One investor who saw the potential in us, saw past the two college dropouts with a dream, and believed in us."
"And who was that?"
"Nate Jennings," Jay replied. Erin briefly recalled the name. "He's one of the major investors in Microsoft." Jay's answer made things click for her. "He was in a similar position as me and Mouse and saw himself in us. He just needed one person to believe in him too, when he was just starting out."
"Sounds like you guys were lucky in meeting him," Erin commented as she wrote down notes. She reminded herself to do a bit more research on Nate Jennings to add to the biography.
"Yeah, we were. Like I said, all it takes is one person." Jay's voice changed into something more softer. More wistful that Erin looked up from her notebook to look at him. "One person to believe in me, to see something in me that I didn't see in myself. I've been really lucky in meeting people like that."
Erin's chest squeezed because Jay's words directed at her were thinly veiled. He wanted her to know that he was talking about her. It was too much for her handle right then. She broke the staring contest and went back to her notes. She didn't want to look at him again, even when she heard him sigh sadly, sounding disappointed by her reaction.
"Excuse me, love. Can you pass me the pepper?" One of the businessmen sitting next to her asked, touching her arm. Erin was startled by the contact but passed him the pepper shaker. The older man smiled at her, his eyes traveling down to her cleavage as he did so. Erin wanted to throttle him but just shifted further back into her seat.
She focused back on her question. "So Mr. Jennings was the first investor in Snatch. Is he still part of the company today?"
Jay just nodded stiffly, his face unreadable. He shoved a piece of steak in his mouth and chewed on it like a caveman. Erin frowned, wondering what happened to turn his mood so suddenly? Surely, he couldn't have been that disappointed and mad that she just ignored his earlier comment. Did he really think she could be swayed that easily with a few flowery words?
"After you and Mr. Gerwitz got the first investor, what was next?"
"We needed to focus on the web design and logistics," Jay replied. "We knew that ease of usability had to be the most important aspect. People want easy. They don't want to navigate a complicated or badly designed website."
"How did you go about doing that?" Erin asked, waiting for Jay to answer when she was interrupted by the same man again. This time his hand on her shoulder.
"Thank you, love," the older man smiled at her as he passed the pepper shaker back to her, his hand brushing over hers deliberately. "Now would you pass the salt?"
Erin was about to reach for the salt shaker when she heard Jay slammed his cutlery down on his plate. He grabbed the salt shaker with more force than needed and reached over to slam the bottle on the table next to them with a loud thud, shaking the wine glasses on the table.
"Anything else you gentlemen need?" Jay hissed, his eyes darkening with anger. "Otherwise, we'd like to get back to our lunch."
His anger was so palpable that the businessmen didn't dare say anything. The handsy man just shook his head and muttered a quiet 'thank you' before going back to his own lunch. Erin just watched the whole interaction, not quite sure how to feel. On one hand, she was glad that the man was put in his place and looked like he wouldn't be bothering them anymore. On the other, she was annoyed that Jay stepped in. She would have handled it herself. She had been handling everything herself for years now. She didn't need his help.
"Was that really necessary?" she asked, narrowing her eyes at him. Jay took a deep breath and exhaled.
"Yes," he replied succinctly. He cut up another piece of steak and shoved it in his mouth, this time his jaw moving back and forth more gently. "Next question."
Erin held in her annoyance and focused back on her question. She didn't need Jay's little display of jealousy and overprotectiveness ruining her meeting, even if it was uncalled for. He had no right to be jealous of anything when it came to her. None.
Then again, Erin knew she was being hypocritical because her own green envy monster did make an appearance with the waitress earlier. She was a mix of complicated feelings and conflicted thoughts. Yet another reason why it was a disaster for her to be working with Jay.
Thankfully, the rest of the lunch went as smoothly as it could've been. Erin managed to reign in her feelings and remained professional and Jay took her questions seriously, answering them as best as he could.
"Okay, I think it's a good time to stop for today," Erin said as she began gathering her things. She waved the waitress over and signaled for the check. "When is your next availability, Mr. Halstead?"
"Tomorrow," Jay replied. Erin was surprised because for the head of a busy and huge company, his schedule seemed pretty open. But Erin was smart enough not to complain.
"Tomorrow. Would you like to meet at your office again?" Erin asked as the waitress brought the check over.
"At 11."
Erin nodded in agreement. She opened the bill and tried not to balk at the price of the luch. With tip, the $300 she had in her purse was just enough to cover the whole bill. She took out her money to place it in the check but Jay was quicker to take out his credit card to put it in the bill folder before passing it to the waitress.
"Oh wait," Erin shouted, reaching to stop the waitress. "I'm paying for the lunch," Erin exclaimed as she held up the money. The waitress stopped in her tracks, confused and looking back and forth between Erin and Jay. Erin waved the waitress over but Jay was gesturing the other way. The poor waitress was stuck in the middle.
"Don't worry about it, my treat," Jay said, waving Erin's money away.
"It's a business meeting. The expense should be mine," Erin argued.
"I was the one who picked the restaurant. I got it," Jay insisted. "Just run my card, please," he said to the waitress. The waitress smartly realized that she would be getting a bigger tip if she used the credit card of the guy in an expensive suit rather than Erin's practical outfit and she walked away with Jay's credit card and the bill.
"Thank you," Erin gritted out, hating that she let Jay win. This was a business lunch and it was customary for the publisher to pay. Not the client. It was a stupid thing to get angry about but it was a boundary Erin needed. "But next time, please don't overstep my role as the publisher here."
Jay's forehead creased. "Technically, you're the author in this case."
"I'm both the author and the publisher. It's my responsibility to take care of the business expenses, not yours."
"It's just one check. It's not a big deal," Jay waved it off, not understanding why Erin was getting angry. "Like I said, I picked the restaurant and I know Landry's is not the most...affordable…."
She clenched her fists under the table. "Golden Pages may not be the publishing company it was in the years past but I assure you, Mr. Halstead, we can still afford to pay for lunch, even at Landry's."
Jay was taken aback by her anger. "Wait, I didn't mean it like that." He seemed apologetic. "That's not….Erin, it's not what I meant.'
"It's Ms. Lindsay," Erin corrected him. She took in a deep breath, the true contrition on Jay's face working to calm her anger and embarrassment down. "Next time, please stick to the professional boundaries."
Jay nodded, his eyes swimming with regret. "I'm sorry. Er...Ms. Lindsay, I really didn't mean to insult you or make it seem like you can't afford…"
"It's done," Erin cut him off. The longer they talked about it, the more embarrassed she was. "Just keep it in mind for next time." Erin took out the money she had and placed it on the table. "This should cover the check."
Jay just looked at the three hundred dollar bills on the table. "I'm not taking that."
Erin swung her purse over her shoulder and clutched her notebook to her chest as she stood up. "Take it or not, it's up to you. But that money is yours. I'll see you tomorrow at 11, Mr. Halstead. Thank you for your time."
With that she walked out of the restaurant, leaving Jay to watch her walk away with her head held high.
Erin had her knees tucked to her chest as she sat at her dining table, her laptop in front of her.
"So what do you think?" She was on the phone with Kim after sending the younger girl the first draft of the writing she worked on for Jay's biography.
"Um…" Kim started. "It's good…"
"But," Erin hedged, not liking Kim's reaction. Kim was nice...so nice. But Erin didn't need sugarcoating or Kim's niceties right now. She needed a brutal and honest opinion. It was the only way the book would be good. "Come on, Kim. be honest with me. Does my writing completely suck?"
"No," Kim quickly responded over the speaker. "It's not the writing."
"Then what is it?"
"It just seems a bit….dry," Kim replied.
"Dry?"
"Yeah, it's all about Snatch so far."
Erin frowned. "That's the point. He's the CEO of Snatch. We're writing his biography. What else would it be about?" Erin hoped she didn't come across as too defensive.
"Sure, he's the CEO but he's also a regular person. He's not the CEO all the time. The draft you sent me is all about his business. I don't know, I just think it'd be nice to get to know the man behind the suit and the company. The real Jay Halstead."
"The real Jay Halstead."
"Yeah, isn't that the whole reason why we're writing a biography about the guy? I mean, he's so mysterious and secretive. Hardly anyone knows about him and it's just strange when his company is so high profile. This is the chance for people to find out more about him and I'm sorry Erin but I don't know how interested people are going to be about his company, instead of him."
Erin knew Kim had a point. The whole reason why Jay was such a coveted subject in the first place was because of how closely he kept his personal life to his vest. Hardly a thing was known about him aside from a few public charity appearances he made over the years. People were salivating to get more crumbs or even the tiniest snippets into his personal life. Erin had been focused on keeping the questions professional and on safe grounds that she had completely lost the whole point of the biography.
"Did I just completely stunned you with my brilliant insight or am I just fired for running my mouth?" Kim's question snapped Erin out of her thoughts.
Erin laughed. "No, not fired. How would I survive without you?" She teased back. "No, you're completely right. The draft I have so far is completely dry."
"It's not all bad," Kim reassured her. "There are important information in it. Just make it more personal."
"More personal," Erin repeated. Kim made it sound so easy.
"Yeah, ask him about his childhood, what high school was like for him, what did he do in college? You know the typical things." Erin nodded even though Kim couldn't see her. "You're meeting him again tomorrow right?"
"Yeah."
"Perfect. You can ask him then. I can help you with the questions, if you want?" Kim offered.
Erin smiled. "No, it's alright. It's already midnight. You go to sleep. I'll just brainstorm some questions."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. thanks Kim." She hung up the phone and looked at the blank document on her laptop.
More personal questions.
Erin knew it was coming, as much as she wanted to avoid it and just keep the focus on his company. People wouldn't buy the biography because they wanted to know more about Snatch. They'd buy the book for information about Jay that they couldn't get elsewhere.
So as much as Erin was dreading it, it was just another thing she had to suck up for the sake of the company.
With her questions in hand and a brief pep talk to herself in the restroom, Erin was ready to face Jay again. It was sad just how much she needed to prepare herself just to talk to Jay. She never had to with any of her ex-boyfriends. Even when Kelly, her ex-fiance, had unceremoniously dumped her after the downsizing of her wealth, Erin didn't have any trouble moving on quickly . But Jay was different. Even though it had been so long since their relationship had ended, the fallout of it was just so massive that she felt like she was still wading through the debris, trying to clean them up. The wound in her heart was still gaping and big and she was scared that it would never fully heal.
Jay was at his desk again and he gave her a tentative smile, gauging her mood after how lunch ended yesterday. Erin returned a small smile, wanting to just start over.
"Mr. Halstead, how are you?" Erin greeted him as she sat down at her usual chair.
Jay groaned and threw his head back at the headrest. "I'll be a lot better when we can stop this Mr. Halstead/Ms. Lindsay bullshit," he replied, going for a light hearted joke after seeing her mood. "Call me Jay."
Erin's mouth twisted, like she smelled something bad and he noticed, a flash of hurt passing through his eyes. "I prefer Mr. Halstead."
"I bet you're not this formal with your other subjects."
"I'm not the author for my other subjects," Erin retorted. "Only you."
"Now I feel special," he teased, a grin forming on his face. "Okay, Ms. Lindsay. What questions do you have for me today?"
Erin took out her laptop, her notebook and the voice recorder. "I was hoping that we can get to the more personal nature of your life," Erin began. "I'm sure the readers want to know who you are beyond being the CEO of Snatch. Who is the real Jay Halstead?"
Jay didn't look happy. "You know how I feel about my personal life."
"I do. But it's the nature of having a biography written about you. It comes with the territory," Erin explained.
"What about our agreement? About my being able to veto any questions I don't like?"
"It's still in place, within reason like we discussed. But I hope that you can learn to open up and give me more liberty with the questions. People are curious about you, Mr. Halstead."
"Nosey, you mean," he revised her choice of words.
"Call it whatever you want. They want to know about you. Surely, you've seen all the blogs and gossip websites writing about you," Erin pointed out. There were so many. Erin was surprised at how many blogs and websites were dedicated to Jay, especially considering how there wasn't much information about him out there. Most of them seemed to repeat the same information over and over, updating every so often when he made his public appearance. Still, it was enough for the websites and blogs to remain popular, even with so little updates.
He scrunched his nose like Erin just told him that his dog died. "Alright," he sighed. "I'll allow it, within reason."
"Within reason," Erin agreed. "First question." She looked at the list of questions she had on her laptop before glancing back at Jay who was watching her. She gathered up her courage to ask him the first question on her list. "What was your childhood like?"
She knew that it was a loaded question for him. She wouldn't be surprised if he just shut down and stopped the meeting for the day at the question. His childhood was complicated and heartbreaking and was full of good times and painful memories. Erin still remembered everything he told her about growing up in North Dakota and his idealistic small town upbringing turned into a nightmare at a snap of the fingers.
"Next question."
"Mr. Halstead," Erin sighed. "I know that it's...a complicated question. You don't have to go into too much details but your childhood is a pivotal part of who you are today. It needs to be in the biography."
He didn't look convinced. "I'm nothing like who I was back then," he said gruffly. "Next question."
Erin wanted to argue some more but conceded. She could always come back to the question later. "Fine. Then how about we talk about you growing up in Tower Lakes. There are some information out there about you growing up near Chicago. Can we talk about that?"
He shook his head. "No."
Erin was getting frustrated. "You are not cooperating with me."
"I am. I just don't want to answer really personal questions."
"You agreed!"
"I said within reason."
"These questions are reasonable!" Erin huffed. "I'm not asking you to delve into every detail. I just want the readers to have a sense of who you are!"
"You know who I am," Jay returned. "You know the answers to the questions you're asking me. How about you just write whatever you want?"
Erin let out a sardonic smirk. "Trust me, you don't want me to write down whatever I want," she murmured, knowing that Jay heard her. "Fine. You don't want to talk about your childhood or Tower Lakes. How about your current life?"
"What about it?" Jay asked, seeming as cool as a cucumber, just watching her across the desk.
Erin resisted the urge to roll her eyes, knowing that Jay would just get a kick out of knowing he could get to her. "Are you single? Married? In a relationship?"
"The readers want to know that?" he asked, like it was unfathomable for the readers to know if Jay was available. Erin just hooked her eyebrows, as if to say if he was serious. He smirked as he leaned on the desk, like he had a secret. "Or is it just you who's curious?"
Erin nearly threw her laptop in his face at the cocky and teasing look on his face. God, he infuriated her. He was right. He was nothing like the boy he was back then. Not the shy and sensitive Jay that she fell in love with. This Jay was cocky, brazen, and absolutely maddening.
"What did we talk about professional boundaries yesterday?" Erin reminded him, wanting to smack the smirk off his lips. HIs lips that were always pink and smiling.
Jay leaned back against his chair. "I gotta say, Ms. Lindsay. This is my first time having a biography being written about me," he began, Erin watching him curiously to see where he was going. "I'm not an expert on the subject but I always thought that the author was supposed to make the subject feel comfortable. To want to make him open up to her."
"Do you have a point, Mr. Halstead?"
"That!" Jay pointed. "That. Calling me Mr. Halstead and I'm supposed to be calling you Ms. Lindsay. I don't know," he sucked in his breath and grimaced. "I'm not feeling particularly comfortable enough to want to open up. To talk about my childhood and all that."
He was yanking her chain and Erin knew it. "What do you need to feel more comfortable?"
He smiled like he won. "Call me Jay and I'll call you Erin."
" .." Erin was cut off by the raise of his finger. "Jay," she gritted out. "I think it's imperative that we have our professional boundaries."
"I don't think calling each other by our first name is all that intimate enough to break whatever boundaries we have," he argued. He leaned closer again, the smile on his face back. "Come on, grant me this one stipulation."
Erin knew it was a bad idea. It was a slippery slope waiting to happen but she also knew that if she wanted him to open up and answer the questions she had, she needed to give in once in a while. "Jay," she called him by his name, his eyes lighting up like a Christmas tree.
The jovial expression on his face became more serious— tender and profound. "Erin," he whispered her name softly, like it was the first word that came out of a comatose person's mouth— a whispered cry of relief and joy at seeing a loved one again. "Erin."
Slippery slope.
Erin needed to break the moment, she couldn't let herself get caught up in him or the memories of their shared past. She cleared her throat and focused her attention back onto her laptop. "So now that I've allowed the concession of the first names being used, you have to answer my question."
Jay nodded in agreement to her terms. "That's fair."
"Your current life," Erin decided on an easier subject than his tumultuous past. "Are you in a relationship?"
He shook his head. "No."
Erin typed the answer, ignoring whatever feeling that took a hold inside of her at his reply. If it was relief, ease or disappointment, Erin didn't want to pay it any attention.
"At the risk of offending you," Erin started and Jay smirked like Erin caring about offending him was funny. "Why are you still single?"
He shrugged. "No one wants me."
This time Erin couldn't stop from rolling her eyes. "Sure, no one wants an eligible, handsome, wealthy man in his 30's," she muttered to herself.
"You think I'm handsome?" Jay asked, pulling Erin's attention from typing on her laptop. Erin's head snapped up to meet his bright eyes. He was waiting for her to answer, anticipating.
"You're not unsightly," was all that she allowed herself to say. She heard him laugh. "Honestly, though. Why are you still unmarried? Are you a workaholic? Do you not believe in marriage? Or have you just not found the right person yet?"
"Yes, no and no," Jay replied as his head turned to look outside the floor to ceiling windows.
Erin's eyebrows creased. "Yes, you're a workaholic. No, you don't believe in marriage, and No, you haven't found the right person yet?" she repeated, wanting to clarify his one worded replies.
She saw his jaw work before he turned his head back on to her. "Yes, I'm a workaholic. No, I don't not believe in marriage," he paused, remaining silent until Erin looked up from her laptop and at him. "No, I found the right person already but I lost her."
Her fingers hovered over her keyboard, Erin coming to a sudden still at Jay's confession. She couldn't move, just completely sucked in by the deep remorse and loss that were swimming in his eyes. Erin was sure her eyes were watering too, the unshed tears that she wouldn't let fall just mixing along with anger and bitterness. Jay saw them too because he just gave her a sad smile.
"Completely my fault, of course," he continued on, his voice barely above a whisper. "I fucked it all up and I lost the best thing that ever happened to me."
Erin ran her tongue over her teeth, a habit of hers that she always used whenever she was trying to hold her emotions in. Jay wanted to hit her emotionally with his unexpected answer, waiting for her to acknowledge what he said. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
"How awful for you," she replied, her voice bitter and cold. "Truly tragic."
He looked resigned, obviously hurt by her choice to ignore what he just said. "Truly," he whispered. "I wish I knew what to do to fix it." Maybe he wasn't completely resigned. "Let her know how sorry I am about everything."
Erin exhaled a long breath. "Sometimes you can't fix it, no matter how sorry you are," she replied pointedly. His face crumbled and he turned his head again to look out the windows again. Erin realized that it was Jay's way of reigning in his emotions. But by the way his jaw muscles continued to work, Erin knew he wasn't successful at it.
"I see," he spoke after a long while, his voice gruff and low.
Erin didn't want to feel any sympathy for him or for her heart to soften at how troubled he looked. She needed to stay strong. "You can't put broken glass back together, not even if you use superglue."
Jay met her eyes again and Erin was surprised to see determination instead of resignation she had expected to see. "Maybe you can't glue it back together," he said, his voice sounding stronger and more self-assured. "But nothing's stopping us from melting all the broken shards together to rebuild something new. Something better."
She had the retort of how there wasn't an 'us' ready on her lips but she held it back. Saying it out loud would be just admitting to him that she knew he was talking about them. She didn't want to rehash their past. If they began talking about their past, Erin knew she would lose any semblance of control and she would just begin to scream in his face about him abandoning her during the most difficult time of her life.
So instead she just said, "it seems like too much trouble and pointless to go through all that work. You might as well throw it all away and buy a new one."
"What if the broken glass is one of a kind?" he returned a question of his own.
Erin just shrugged. "Then like I said, it's truly tragic." She scanned the document for the next question. "If you're ready to get back to another question."
His nostrils flared but Jay nodded all the same. "Go ahead."
If the question about his childhood was a complicated one, then the next question Erin wanted to ask him was a freaking landmine. "Your family," Erin started, immediately seeing Jay's body's tensed. "How is your relationship with your family today?"
"My family isn't something I want to talk about in my biography," he stated sternly. He was leaving no room for argument. Erin clucked her tongue, frustrated.
"Let's see. You don't want to talk about your childhood or your time in Tower Lakes. You give me one worded reply about your current life and now you don't want to talk about your family," she listed, annoyance mounting. "You do understand that we're writing a book here. A biography about you. I'm not interviewing you for an article about your business."
"I've already made my stance on personal issues clear, Erin."
"I've agreed for us to call each other by our first name and in exchange, you promise to open up." She ran her hand through her hair. "Listen, Jay. I get it, okay? I know there are certain….things you don't want people knowing. I'm not going to put anything in the book that you really don't want in it. But you have to work with me here. There's a lot riding on this biography for me and for Golden Pages," she confessed, hating how vulnerable she sounded. Almost to the point of begging him to just cooperate with her so the book would sell.
Jay's whole demeanor softened and he sighed. "Okay," he conceded. "I did agree to that."
"Thank you," she exhaled. "Your family, are you still close with them?"
He shook his head, his eyes focused on something behind her. "No."
Erin wasn't surprised that he and Pat weren't close but she was pretty damn shocked that he and his mom weren't close anymore. "Not even with your mom?"
He shook his head again.
"How's….Evelyn?" Erin asked, unsure if she should be using his mom's first name, especially when his face clouded over. "I'm sorry," she immediately apologized and corrected herself. "How's Mrs. Halstead?"
"She's dead," was his reply, Jay looking out the window again.
Erin couldn't help the soft gasp that escaped from her. He turned back after hearing the sound, looking so vulnerable that Erin couldn't help but feel a rush of sympathy for him.
"What happened?" she found herself asking, forgetting completely that she was interviewing him and about the biography. This wasn't about that. "When?"
Jay seemed reluctant to answer, his gaze traveling to her laptop.
"Jay, I would never put it in the book, especially if you don't want me to," Erin promised. "Mrs. Halstead was…" Erin didn't know the word to say. Evelyn had been nice to her, welcoming and warm until things changed in the end. Erin knew there was a lot of information that she was missing out on. Gaps of information and circumstances that surrounded the end of her summer in 2004. But none of that mattered right now. The only thing that mattered was that Jay's mom had died.
"She loved you," Jay finished for her, a wistful and mournful tilt to his mouth.
Erin thought back to the last two times she saw Evelyn. "I don't know about that."
"She did," Jay insisted. "She thought you were the best. She didn't stop talking about you or all the things she wanted to bake for you to try."
She laughed softly at the memory of Evelyn and her baked goods and how delicious they were. "She was the best baker. I never got to try her cake," Erin remembered sadly, the memory of how Hank's birthday party was ruined before they got to the cake by Pat. "How did she die?"
"Cancer." He shook his head. "It moved too fast for us to do anything about it."
"When did she pass away?"
"About 8 years ago," Jay replied, like he had the date memorized and seared in his head. He probably did. After all, his mom was the most important person in his life.
"I'm sorry," Erin told him, genuinely. "She was a great woman and I know how much you loved her."
Jay looked away, avoiding her eyes. "Thank you," he said stiffly. "It...it hasn't been easy, even after all these years." Erin nodded, just listening as Jay went on. "I just wished I could've done more for her."
"I'm sure you did everything you could." That, Erin had no doubt about.
But a derisive chuckle from Jay said otherwise. "Don't be so sure," he replied enigmatically. He rubbed his face, as if he was trying to scrub the thought of his mother's death out of his mind. Suddenly, Erin regretted bringing the subject up.
"How's Will?" Erin changed the subject to hopefully happier topics. "Is he a doctor now?"
He nodded. "He's the head of pediatrics at Lenox Hill," he filled her in, the sadness in his voice ebbing away to make room for pride for his brother.
Erin smiled indulgently. "Wow, go Will," she breathed out, the atmosphere between the two of them getting lighter, becoming easier. "So he's in the city?"
"Yeah."
Erin hesitated before asking the next question. "How about your father? Is he in the city too?"
The smile slipped off Jay's face. "No. He's still in Tower Lakes."
"Do you…." Erin cleared her throat. "Do you still talk to him?"
"No." The return of one worded answers. His father was still a sore subject for him and Erin was scared to try to ask for more details. Erin found herself curious anyway, wanting to know more. Even if she couldn't use the information for the book.
"Can I ask why?"
His voice became low. "Because he's still a waste of a father. Let's just leave it at that." He didn't look angry nor sounded particularly pissed off but Erin still heard the demand loud and clear. He wanted to change the subject.
"Sure." Erin typed a few notes, earning a frown from him. "I'm not writing anything about your family," she reassured him. "At least, not anything you don't want out there."
He raised his eyebrows. "How do you know what I don't want out there?"
Erin grinned. "I think I can make my judgement. Besides, you'll get the final draft before it goes to print."
He seemed satisfied with that. "Now that we've gotten the dreadful topic that is my family out of the way, can I ask you about yours? How's your mom doing? How's Johnny?"
Erin straightened up, the earlier easy atmosphere between them slowly fading away. "I'm not the subject of the biography here, Jay."
He rolled his eyes. "I know that. I'm just asking about your parents' well-being, Erin. Not the color of your underwear here."
"They're doing fine," Erin answered stiffly, keeping her answer pretty vague. What was she supposed to say? That Johnny was half the man he used to be after suffering through a stroke? That he and Bunny were now living in Connecticut, far from all the luxuries they were used to in New York City?
Jay pressed his mouth together. "Good," he stated. "Even Johnny?"
Her antenna went up. "What do you mean?" She wanted to know why Jay singled out Johnny.
He stilled, looking like he just let something slip that he didn't mean to. He began to stutter. "um...yeah..I was just…" Erin narrowed her eyes at him, waiting for him to tell her the truth. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Okay, don't be mad," he said, holding up his hand. "I've read about Johnny's stroke."
"You read about his stroke," Erin repeated, her voice flat and disbelieving. "You just happen upon the news in the papers?"
That was clearly bullshit. Jay was lying and they both knew it. Golden Pages worked tirelessly to keep Johnny's stroke and his health out of the public eyes to keep the company steady because they had been thinking about taking the company public. But Johnny's rapid decline in health changed all the plans because no sane investor wanted to invest in a company whose future remained uncertain. Hence, Erin taking over the reign just as the whole industry took a nosedive and she had been trying to keep the company from completely hitting the ground ever since.
Jay closed his eyes. "Are you going to think it's weird and creepy if I tell you that I might've been checking up to see how you,"
Erin stopped him with her hand. "Don't finish that sentence," Erin ordered. She didn't want to know that Jay had been keeping up with what was going on with her over the years. She didn't want to know how Jay knew about Johnny's declining health or how Golden Pages was just a shell of a company it had been a decade ago.
"I'm sorry," he offered. "Call me curious or nosey but I just wanted to know how you were doing."
Erin scoffed. "Then you'd know all about how my life has been a complete disaster as of late."
Let's see. There was the company and its financial woes. Her parents' aging and their health on a decline, Erin trying to keep her parents from finding out the extent of the company's trouble. Oh, not to mention her broken engagement. It was a full list of one fucked up thing after another. Apparently fuck ups that Jay had been privvy to all this time.
"I don't think that," he refuted. She just chuckled dryly, knowing he was lying. "I don't!"
"Right," she drawled, mocking him. "I'm sure that it must be so entertaining and fun for you to sit in your million dollar office in your $5,000 suit and watch the downfall of Golden Pages. To see Johnny and my mom get their comeuppance for looking down on you and your family all those years ago. Now the shoe's on the other foot."
That wasn't fair and Erin knew it. Jay had grown up and changed in ways she didn't know but she truly didn't think it'd be possible for there to be a vindictive bone in his body. He couldn't have changed that much. But she was embarrassed and she was lashing out.
She had expected to see anger and indignation from him but all she saw was a downward tilt on his mouth. "I would never want to see you in pain, Erin," he maintained. "That's the last thing I want."
Erin blinked rapidly to stop her eyes from watering even more. They had somehow found themselves on a topic that Erin didn't want to be on. She didn't want to talk about her life with Jay or anything else aside from what was going to be in the books.
"Let's just get back to the book then," Erin requested.
"After you tell me how your parents are doing," Jay countered. "Come on," he pleaded with her.
Erin ran her tongue over her teeth. "They're fine. They're in Connecticut. At Johnny's family house, the one he grew up in."
"How's his recovery going?"
Erin recalled the day right after he got out of the hospital and she wanted to shudder. "Good," she replied. "He's talking again and he's walking a lot more now. The doctors didn't think he'd be able to walk again but he's proving them wrong."
Jay smiled. "That's good to hear. So your mom's taking care of him alone?"
"You mean did Bunny run off and leave Johnny the second things got hard for them? No, she didn't," Erin exclaimed, indignant at the insinuation she heard in his question. "I know you don't have a good opinion of my mom, Jay but she's a good woman. She loves Johnny, not just for his money. She has been standing by him and taking care of him every day since he got sick. And guess what? There's no more money for her to stick around for anyway."
"That's now what I meant with my question and you know it, Erin," Jay responded, clenching his teeth, not appreciating the way Erin was hurling one accusation after another at him. "I am not that petty nor do I get some sick satisfaction from seeing people suffer. Especially not the family of a girl that I lo.." he stopped himself and took a deep calming breath. Then another. "I just...I'm trying here, Erin." He rubbed his face and ran his hands through his hair, messing it up. For the first time since he came back in her life, he looked disheveled— not perfectly put together like he had been.
She swallowed. "The only thing we should be trying to do is work on the book and finish it before the deadline. That's the only thing we need to be focusing on here."
Jay's gaze focused on her. "Is that all?" he asked with a whisper.
Erin could laugh. She wanted to laugh in his face for even asking the question. What was he expecting? For them to pick up where they left off right before he disappeared on her with no explanation?
"Yes."
His face fell. "Erin, what happened back then…" he paused, his eyes traveling to the ceiling like there were words he needed to say up there. "Back then….you need to know…"
"What happened back then is in the past," Erin interrupted him, cutting him. "It's the past, Jay. Just leave it there."
"I want to explain. I need to…"
Right now, Erin honestly didn't care about what he needed or what he wanted. Whatever explanation and excuse that she would get from him was seventeen years too late. It was too late.
"I don't want to hear it and I don't want to talk about it. I just want to get on with the book."
"The book isn't important right now!" Jay exclaimed, his voice getting louder.
"It is to me!" Erin returned, her voice matching his. She clenched her eyes shut, trying to get her composure back. She was losing it and she hated herself for it. She counted to three in her mind, breathing in and out slowly until she was sure she wouldn't lose it. Only then she opened her eyes again to look at Jay. "I know the book isn't important to you. This probably is just some project for you and you couldn't care less whether it'll succeed or not."
"That's not true."
"But," she continued, ignoring him. "It is important to me. It's important to the survival of Golden Pages. This isn't just some fun little project. Not for me."
"I know that, Erin," Jay replied, sounding sincere. "The book is important to me too. I swear it is. But I just don't think that we can continue to ignore the elephant in the room or that I can just pretend that you're just an author that I don't know. You're more than that to me."
Erin felt her heart skip at what he said, even though she chided herself for it. How was it that he was able to get to her so easily? It was like Jay had somehow dug his nails into her without her knowing about it, just clinging on relentlessly. It didn't matter how hard she tried to shake him off, he was still there, taking over all the empty space in her head, clamoring for attention until she couldn't ignore him or keep him tucked away in the box in the back of her mind.
"I don't think rehashing the past is a good idea. It was just some teenage romance, Jay," Erin voiced. "It was just puppy love."
"It was more than that and you know it," Jay argued, not letting her just brush off what they had as some trivial teenage thing. "It wasn't just some puppy love or some teenage romance."
"What else could it be?" Erin asked with a faint chuckle that sounded fake to her own ears.
"It was….everything," Jay breathed out. "It was the best thing that ever happened to me," he voiced, keeping her eyes locked on him. He was looking at her so intensely, like he was pleading with her to just admit that he was as important to her. For her to say that what they had was important to her. That it mattered to her.
But all Erin gave him with a small tilt of her lips. "You know what's the problem here?" Erin asked, Jay creasing his forehead in confusion. "It's like a seesaw."
"What?"
"A seesaw. You're on the upswing so you can look back down at everything with a smile, with fondness. Nostalgic about the past and remembering what happened with rose-colored glasses."
"And what about you?"
"I'm on the other side of the seesaw. I'm on the bottom already. There is no room for me to look back at the past. There is no nostalgia or rosy memories for me. I can only look up, towards the future. A future that involves me trying to keep my company afloat. A future that needs this book to succeed."
Jay deflated and he sagged back into his chair, rejected. Erin wasn't changing her mind about the two of them strolling through the memory lane.
"There's a lot riding on this biography, Jay," Erin continued, making herself completely clear. "This isn't a game for me. I don't have time to go back and forth with you over and over again. Not if the book is going to be finished by the holidays. So as much as I appreciate your time and the fact that you've agreed to be the subject, I need you to make a decision. Can you focus on the book and the book only? If not, then I have to move on and find a new subject to write about."
Jay remained silent, just listening to her. As much as it might bruise his ego, Erin needed to draw the line in the sand with him. This wasn't a game for her, it wasn't a way for her to pass the time or keep herself entertained. She needed him to understand that. If not, then she was just putting herself through pain and tortue by being around him every day for no reason.
She gathered her things up and stood up, Jay just watching her.
"You should think about it. Really think and see if you can be serious and focus on the book or not. If you can, then great. If you can't, then I understand and we never have to see each other again." She headed towards the door, Jay following her. She turned back around one last time. "It's up to you. You know how to reach me."
She exited his office, feeling his eyes on her. Erin wasn't sure what was going to happen next but the ball was in his court now.
Erin was back at her office, reading over the rough draft of what she had written so far. It was nearing six but Erin didn't feel like going home yet. She didn't have to watch Soo tonight so she had time to stay and really focus on writing while she was waiting for Jay's answer.
She rubbed her chin as she read, unhappy with the words on the page. Kim was definitely right. It was just so dry and boring. There were no funny anecdotes or personal memories to bring the biography to life. It was a disaster.
"Fuck," Erin cursed, tugging on her hair. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"
"Keep pulling on your hair like that and soon enough, you'll be bald like me."
Erin looked up to find Al back in the office. "What are you doing back here, Al?"
He held up a brown bag. "I'd figured that you'd stay late and you probably wouldn't have time to grab dinner so I got you a sandwich."
Erin took the offered bag from him and gave him a grateful look. "Thank you, Al."
He just shrugged. "So problem with the story so far?"
"Yeah." She nodded as she put the sandwich bag to the side and focused back on the story. "I've been reading what I have so far but it's not good, Al. It's so not good."
He played with the toothpick in his mouth. "Now I know that can't be true. You've always been a good writer, Erin." He came around to her desk. "Let me see what you have so far."
Erin shifted her laptop so he could read it easily. She was watching the expressions on his face, trying to read his reaction and sure enough, she could see that her initial thoughts had been right. Her rough draft sucked.
"I knew it," she muttered. "It's terrible, right?"
Al looked at her sympathetically, probably trying to wreck his brain to find a nice way to gently let her down. "It's...fine." She just looked at him knowingly. "It just comes across more like an article instead of a book. It's all facts."
"It is a biography. It's facts about a person's life."
"It's about a person's life. It's about their memories, their experiences, the ups and downs of emotions that a person goes through while living that life." He placed a hand on her shoulder, comfortingly. "You know as well as I do that life isn't a constant state of steadiness. It's not a flatline on a monitor. It's a wave, the highest of high and the lowest of lows. That's what makes life interesting. That's what readers want to read."
Erin soaked in Al's wisdom and knew he was right. Then again, when was the last time he was wrong or had given her bad advice? Al had seemingly taken Hank's place in her life as her secondary father figure. Erin talked to Al every day as opposed to Hank whom she talked to only every so often. Al was here everyday, seeing her struggles and work to keep Golden Pages open. The highs and lows, the waves that he had talked about, Al had been here for them all.
"I just feel like there's something stopping me," Erin admitted, frustrated with herself. "I know that I need to get more personal with my questions but for some reason, I just can't. It doesn't help that whenever Jay and I begin to approach anything personal, we usually end up arguing and disagreeing."
Al listened, nodding along like he knew it all along. "It can't be easy working with him after everything that happened."
"It's not," Erin agreed. "I've been trying to put it all behind me and pretend that he's just another client. Clearly it's not working. I can't seem to stay professional if my life depended on it. Maybe I should just have Kevin write Jay's biography, no matter what Jay says."
"Hmm," Al hummed mysteriously. Erin just regarded him with her eyebrows raised, waiting for him to elaborate. "I don't think it's a good idea."
"What? Me and Jay working on this book together? Yeah, that's sort of a given."
He shook his head. "No, I meant pushing the task onto Kevin."
"Kevin is a great writer."
"Did I say he wasn't?" Al retorted, shushing Erin so he could finish what he was saying. "Kevin is a good writer and I'm sure he can do a fine job. But I think you should stay on as the author and see this through with Jay."
"Why?"
"A book has to be compelling. It doesn't matter if it's fiction, non-fiction, a biography or even a comic. It has to pull a reader's attention. To do that, you need a compelling story. One that has to pull emotions out of the subject and the reader. You and Jay have a past. But you two also have chemistry, a spark."
Erin scoffed at that notion. "Please."
"You do. I saw it even back then at Hanks' birthday party you threw for him. If anyone is going to get Jay to open up and really bring his emotions out, it's you."
"That's not true," Erin countered. "I can't even get him to talk about anything personal. Not his childhood, not his family. Nothing about his current personal life. It's like there's a wall."
Al sucked on his toothpick before taking it out. "Maybe it's because he's been too busy trying to break down your wall to focus on breaking down his own," Al suggested. "There are two sides to a wall. I have a feeling it's not just him that's putting up a barrier between you two and that's stopping you from really getting in there with the story."
Erin pondered over what Al said. As usual, he had a point. Erin had been too busy trying to stay professional and pretend as though it was purely a working relationship with her and Jay. it wasn't just Jay's fault. It was hers. She hadn't even attempted to make Jay feel comfortable enough to open up to her and the one instance that he wanted to, she had nearly bitten his head off.
"How do I fix it, Al?"
"It won't be easy but if you want Jay to be vulnerable and open up, you have to be willing to do it yourself," Al advised her. "You have to think if it's something you can do."
With the last bit of wisdom, Al squeezed her shoulder again and left, leaving her alone in the office again.
Erin dropped her face in her hands, too many thoughts crowding in her head. Could she really do it? Could she knock down the wall she had built up against Jay so they could let each other in? Could she really put herself in a vulnerable position again with him, knowing how easily he could crush her again?
She looked at her phone and didn't see any missed calls or messages. Jay hadn't gotten back to her with his answer yet.
Erin sighed. Maybe she was just putting the cart before the horse right now. She wasn't even sure if Jay still wanted to work with her and she was driving herself crazy already. Because there was still a real possibility that Jay had decided that he was done messing around with her and he was done with the book. Then she and Jay would never have to see each other again.
Erin just hated how her stomach dropped at that thought.
Fuck.
AN: Guys, I'm sorry for the lack of updates lately but I at least wanted to get an update up for my birthday.
This chapter is a bit shorter than the other ones and it's slow moving, I know. But I'm just having so much fun writing a slow burn reconciliation. I hope you guys like it too and haven't gotten frustrated if it's moving too slow. I promise all the questions of what happened to Jay and Erin over the years will be answered…..slowly and eventually so I hope you guys stick around to find out.