Chapter 15
"Samsara?"
"Hm," the man spoke. "This is where souls heal and mend, wander the planes, waiting for rebirth. But you're here for a trial." It was not a question.
"Yes," Sakura said. "To become a Sage."
"The center is not so far away now, but Samsara will keep you in a loop until you've completed your last trial."
"Are you my guide?"
"One of three."
Sakura sighed with relief. "Do you have a name, old man?"
The man grunted. "Old man, huh?" He mumbled something beneath his breath, which sounded suspiciously like annoying.
"I'm sorry," Sakura said, but he didn't offer his name.
He remained quiet for a long while. "What did you do for the Tengu to blind you?"
"I broke the rules of his home."
"He doesn't like that."
"I've noticed."
"Hold on to my arm. I'll lead you to the trial." She nodded, knowing he would see, and took his arm once more. They stepped onto a paved road, Sakura could feel, though it was interspersed with patches of moss, gently giving way as she trod on it. The air seemed fresher here, less stifled than the rest of Shikkotsu, and as light slanted over her face, Sakura stopped, tilting her head toward the source, basking in it.
"The sun!"
"Not all parts of Shikkotsu are dark."
"Evidently," she said, grinning at the unseen sun. He allowed her to linger for a moment longer, then gave a slight tug on her elbow, signaling it was time to go. 'Impatient,' she thought as the old man ambled beside her—whereas she guessed he was in his sixties before, it seemed he was more advanced in age than she had expected. His shuffling gait and the deterioration of muscles in his arms suggested he was older—in his eighties, even. 'Definitely shinobi. There aren't many civilians in this kind of shape that late in life.'
A long silence ensued.
"If this is the place where souls are healed and mended, what—" she searched for words, but found none. Belatedly realizing there was no way she could subtly ask him about his missing arm, Sakura swallowed the rest of her question.
Another silence.
"I was young, and prideful, and filled with resentment." The man's voice was softer now, somehow more familiar, though she couldn't put her finger on where she had heard it before. "I lied to myself, over and over. This..." a sigh, his callused fingers brushing past hers as he touched the stump on his arm. "A reminder to be true to myself."
"I see."
The sunlight vanished like a dark cloud passed before it, but it didn't return. "We're here," the old man said. "Sit down here," he instructed, guiding her into a seated position.
She brought herself to her knees, hissing with how sensitive they were, and felt a round pillow on the stones. Around her hung a pleasant aroma, unlike anything she had smelled before. The smell of incense sticks saturated the air, but through it she recognized the scent of a tree she had never mapped in before, not even during all her years crawling in Shikkotsu.
"What are you doing?"
"Trying to identify this tree."
"I had no idea your senses are as keen as Kakashi's."
She whipped her head back to where her guide was. "You know Kakashi?"
"... Yes." He sounded unsure.
"That's right," Sakura whispered. "I forgot he has a ridiculously good nose." Without waiting for an answer, she reached out, fingers finding tree bark. She sat on her knees, running her digits up and down the unfamiliar tree. The trunk was unlike anything she had ever seen—felt—before, interlacing boughs made up the trunk, knotted and twisted, unfurling and then coming together again.
"What is this tree? I've been through all of Shikkotsu, but I've never..."
"It's called a Bodhi tree. But here in Samsara, we call it the tree of awakening."
"The tree of awakening?" she asked, feeling her way back to the pillow.
"The path of magga—your last trial," the old man said, sounding like he sat on the ground in front of her. Sakura crossed her legs, laying her hands in her lap as she listened. "You have gone through three previous trials to explore who you are, what pains you, what ties you to the mortal world. The last step is to accept, let go, and touch the source."
"The source?"
"All around you. Raw, natural energy. Shinobi are born with the ability to control that we are inherently born with and expand that energy. But whereas most people learn to fuel that source within them, you'll be tasked with channeling that which is all around us."
She frowned. "How am I supposed to do that?"
"Patience, Sakura."
There was something intimately familiar in the way he spoke, her name rolling off his tongue with ease. It was only then that she realized she had never shared her name with him. She swallowed, feeling the brush creeping to her cheek. 'Is this Itachi?' she wondered. 'His voice... But how did he lose his arm?' She nearly shook her head. No, not important right now, as there was a much more pressing issue to be addressed.
"What do you mean by 'accept' and 'let go'?" she whispered. "I can't... I can't cut myself off from my family and friends."
The old man cleared his throat. "I told you, you have three guides. I am the one to guide you through the acceptance. The others will accompany you through the last steps." He inhaled. "As for acceptance... It is straight-forward, and it is what you were doing while you were crawling in the forest. Your hearing would not have been restored otherwise."
Sakura folded her hands together. "I thought... I thought it was the last thing I needed to accept... The trial before, with—" she stopped herself, teeth sinking into her lip. "I don't..."
"Your third trial was to know your attachment to the living world, people, or shed which holds you back. The trial showed you and you've confronted them. You forgave. Now it's time to accept and let go."
She thought of tiny Sasuke, rejecting her over and over. She thought of Tsukiyama Ami bullying her. She thought of her parents, Kiba, Obito, Itachi. "What if there is nobody left?"
"You're blind. That means there is still something."
Nodding, Sakura interlaced her fingers in thought, all the people in her life suddenly playing like a movie behind her eyes. Ino, Tenten, Hinata, Mebuki, Kizashi, Tsunade, Shizune, Obito, Kiba, Sasuke, Itachi, Ino, Tenten, Hinata, Mebuki, Kizashi, Tsunade, Shizune, Obito, Kiba, Sasuke, Itachi, Ino, Tenten, Hinata, Mebuki, Kizashi, Tsunade, Shizune, Obito, Kiba, Sasuke, Itachi—
Nothing.
Defeated, Sakura sat in the clearing for the longest time. The old man coughed from time to time, breaths coming out like wheezes, as though to let her know he was still around without actually saying so. It comforted her, knowing she was not alone after years of solitude and quiet.
"So why are you here?" she said. Sakura licked her lips. "It's just... I realized all the guides seem to have their own struggles with these truths..."
"I have a Samsara eye."
That gave her pause. "A Samsara eye?"
"My destiny and life are connected to the turning of the earth, the cycle of rebirth. My eyes simply bring me back here every time I die, to find peace and to guide, before I am reincarnated again—another man, same eyes."
"And you're aware of that?"
"Somewhere throughout my lifetimes, I always become aware."
Sakura was quiet. What would that be like? Understanding the deeper part you played in the universe, knowing there was a next cycle? That even if you screwed up in one lifetime, there invariably would be another. Though, Sakura supposed, she was now conscious of her own cycle. At least during this life.
"Was this a good life for you?" she asked.
He was silent for so long she feared he had left.
"I lost my family when I was seven," he whispered, his quiet voice laced with ancient grief. "My brother... I lost myself searching for something that was a lie, hatred fueled by more lies, until finally, I was able to let go of that anger."
"I'm sorry," she offered, knowing it would mean nothing to this man to offset his tremendous loss. "Did you... find a new family?"
An amused sound. "Yes. I found love where I had dismissed it."
"Tell me about it?"
He sighed, and in his sigh, she felt the weight of the question she had posed. Part of her wished to speak up and to tell him he didn't have to share if he didn't want to. But there was also a part of her that knew that her guides were connected to her and the trials she went through, even more so than she had initially believed.
"She was stubborn. Headstrong. But warm, kind to everyone she met, patient."
"She sounds lovely."
"She was." A grief-filled silence stretched between them. "Perhaps I should have told her that more often."
Tears prickled in the corners of her eyes at the sound of the raw sincerity in his voice."I'm sure she knew." She smiled at the void. "Children?"
"Four."
"You've been busy."
The old man wheezed a laugh, the first actual one she heard from him. She grinned at him, somewhat glad for the lack of eyesight. Knowing who he was would no doubt help her understand him better, but he was just there. Just a comforting presence she could talk to while she tried to unfurl the last pieces of her life and complete the trial. "Boys and girls both?"
"All boys," he said. "My wife, she always wanted a girl."
Sakura smiled. "I would want a girl... Well, I'd want my child to be healthy, I—" She stopped, realization striking her. "My previous guide... He said I needed to accept the person I would become."
"He is right."
"How do I accept who I will become? I don't know who that is?"
"A conduit must be unobstructed. It means you accept who you are now, all of your aspirations, dreams and wishes, and then..."
"And then let them go..." Tears slid hot over her cheeks. "Will I even be human after I finish this? How can I be without having hopes and dreams?"
"Not all desires and dreams are shackles. Some you will hold close to you and see fulfilled, others... you will have learned to accept and let go. Shikkotsu and the trials have taught you how. Once you reach the center of this forest, you will never be tethered to your suffering again."
Sakura nodded, visualizing herself. 'What are my hopes and dreams?' she thought.
"I wanted to keep everyone safe," Sakura whispered.
"So long as there is life, there is death."
"But there's also rebirth?"
"Yes."
"And they will live again?"
"Another life, another person, but yes."
She remembered the Nopperabou. She remembered Tobirama. She remembered the teahouse on the edge of the forest, and the lessons she had learned there. "I can't save everyone," Sakura repeated the lesson she learned that day. "I can't make it all better."
"Do you accept?"
Her hands shook as she brought them to the paved stones in front of her, grappling in the moss as she thought of Tobirama—wondered what he had sought and why he was still suffering, of Tsunade, who never made it past the first trial, of Ino, Tenten, Hinata, Mebuki, Kizashi, Tsunade, Shizune, Obito, Kiba, Sasuke, Itachi — "Yes," she cried, tears streaming from her eyes as she both welcomed and said goodbye to all those she loved, all those who touched her life, if only for a second. "I accept that I can't."
She blinked.
Then she blinked again.
Colors returned to her eyes first. Bright sunlight shone just ahead of her and a shadowy figure of the old man coming to his feet filled her vision. He stepped closer to her, his white hair becoming clearer and clearer, until he crouched down. His eyes were two different colors, Sakura realized, black and purple, and as her vision sharpened, she could see one corner of his mind lifting in a grin as he brought two fingers to her forehead.
"Sakura... Thank you."
Then he was gone.
In the seconds that ticked away since the old man had vanished, Sakura's vision came back to her. After colors came outlines, the world sharpening each time she blinked, until depth returned last, and Sakura found herself beneath a massive tree.
The tree was among one of the oldest she had ever seen—twisted and knotting as it rose far into the sky to form a canopy that filtered out much of the light. Sakura climbed to her feet, watching as sunlight fell through the heart-shaped leaves, dancing on the blue-hued grass all around her. She passed a hand over the moss, reveling in its soft texture, then circled round the tree, finding the old man had guided her over a small stream that separated where she was now—Samsara—from the darker trees that surrounded the clearing.
She took everything in with greedy eyes, touching all she could as if to verify its existence, dipping her finger into the brook, rubbing one leaf between her thumb and forefinger, following the knotted branches of the Bodhi tree with both hands, running her knuckles over the weathered stone until she was satisfied and seated herself.
The path ahead of her led back into Shikkotsu—a narrow, near over-grown trail leading to a half-circle bridge, and beyond it, Shikkotsu's impervious dark. As she watched, she spotted movement in the woodlands; someone approaching. She sat straighter on the pillow, rolling her shoulders back as a young woman with raven hair appeared. She looked in Sakura's direction, gave her a warm smile, adjusted her glasses and made her way over.
"Hello," Sakura said.
"Hi," the woman answered. An indescribable smile formed on her lips then as she sat down before Sakura, observing her as Sakura studied her. The woman had black hair and eyes—so deep they reminded her of Sasuke and Obito's eyes. 'An Uchiha?' she thought, eyes gliding to the woman's red spectacles and her sleeveless red shirt, tied with a black obi. 'Impeccable sense of fashion, though. I need to try that out.'
The woman was still gaping at her. A little uncomfortable, Sakura cleared her throat. "I'm Sakura. Are you my guide?"
"Ah," the woman said, cheeks turning bright red. "I'm sorry. It's just—" she shook her head, folded her hands together and gave her a deep bow. "I'm Sarada."
"Sarada?"
Sarada looked up, anger flashing behind her eyes. "For the goddess, not the food."
Sakura burst into laughter. "Noted."
Sarada grinned at her and for a split second, she looked extremely familiar to her. "Are you one of the Uchiha?" Sakura questioned, curious.
Sarada blinked in surprise. "Uhm... Yes."
"Thought so. You look like a few friends of mine."
An expression she could not comprehend crossed Sarada's face—yearning and shock, and melancholy, all a potent mix. "Which ones?" she asked, voice soft.
"Well, there's Obito-sensei... And Sasuke, my team mate... And my Hokage... He's an Uchiha—Uchiha Itachi." She looked into Sarada's large, dark eyes, finding they were clouding with tears. "I—are you alright?"
"I'm sorry," Sarada said, pushing her glasses up to wipe at her eyes. "I wasn't—thank you." Sarada folded her hands into her lap and took a deep breath. "I was told to help you through your last trial to become a Sage. In truth, I'm still not sure where I am or what I'm doing here... But I need to relay a message to you and ask you to make a choice."
"A message?"
"Yes," Sarada said, tucking her silken black locks behind her ears. "You've made your way through the trials and identified your suffering and accepted it. Now it is time to accept the last truth about yourself, about becoming a Sage of Shikkotsu, and the person you will become."
Sakura fidgeted. "I understand."
"Do you know what this place is?"
"Samsara. This is where souls are healed and mended, wander the planes, waiting for rebirth."
Sarada nodded. "Your journey to become a Sage will lead you beyond this place—to the center of the Forest, the center of the spiritual realm. Do you understand what this means?"
Sakura frowned. "What do you—" Her breath stilled in her lungs. "The last step was to accept, let go, and touch the source."
A deep understanding overcame her as everything around her seemed to quiet. Sarada was speaking to her, but Sakura could barely hear as she remembered what the old man told her. He was tied to Samsara, always to return and await his next birth. What did it mean for her to journey beyond Samsara? She would never again be tethered to her suffering... because she would sever herself from it.
The gravity of the situation hit her full-force as she jumped to her feet and looked up at the tree, hands in her hair as she considered what they asked her to do. Her breathing came hard, chest rising and falling painfully while Sarada advanced to her, dark eyes wide as she made soothing sounds while rubbing over Sakura's back.
"If I go on-" she inhaled deeply, staring at Sarada. "Does that mean?"
"Yes," Sarada said. "The cycle of your rebirth will be broken, as you'll no longer be able to stay in Samsara. You'll go beyond."
"If I die..."
"You'll never be reborn again." She was close enough to see Sarada's lip quiver as she spoke the words, but the young woman looked at her without blinking, a smile on her face. "But it's not a bad thing. It just means that you'll transcend."
"Transcend to what?"
"A Sage."
"But if I'm never reborn again..."
"You'll miss out on some things," Sarada said, bringing her back to the pillow where she gently sat Sakura down, before kneeling in front of her. "It means that this life is all you have—and that by making the choices you will make from now on, you'll miss out on meeting some people... And that you'll never see others again... But then, who really is aware of rebirth? You are in this life, but in the next, you will have forgotten about it."
"What kind of trial is this?" Sakura exclaimed. "I did everything I was supposed to. I confronted and accepted and I've been lost for I don't know how many years in this forest, and here, now, at the end, I need to end my own rebirth cycle?"
"There is no trial here, Sakura. Just whether you're ready to give up one form of immortality for the next. If you're not, the path I just came from will lead you back to Shikkotsu, directly toward the entrance, and you're free to go."
"I can?" Sakura asked, calming down. "The old man with the Samsara eye... He said I would leave here and never be tethered to suffering again."
"He did?" Sarada ducked her head and smiled. "He always knew you very well."
"I don't know you, do I?"
Sarada looked up, suddenly looking much older than she was. "No, not yet."
"And if I go down this path?"
"You might never know me."
"But you're important to me?"
"Very."
"How can you ask me to do this, then?" she whispered.
"Because this is who you are," Sarada said, cupping Sakura's cheek. "Always looking out for others. Always so strong. Always so caring. This is only a natural step for you to take... And I'm sure that in the infinite amount of versions there are of Sakura and Sarada, we'll meet each other again."
"Just not in this one."
"No, I don't think so. But it's alright."
She had toyed with the thoughts of how her life would have gone if Obito had died at Kannabi and Kakashi had been her teacher since she had seen his shadow in Shikkotsu. How different her life would be if the younger, sick Itachi had been in her life, instead of her strong and healthy Hokage. How life would have turned out if 'Konoha's number one knuckle-headed ninja' was in her team instead of Kiba. And there was some part of her that hoped she would one day find out—if not in this world, then maybe in the next. A soul hungering for something it never knew, always searching until the puzzle pieces would fit together perfectly.
But Sarada was right.
It was not meant to be.
In another world, she would be Team Seven with Kakashi as her sensei and being taught how to control her chakra and maybe even his jutsu. In another world, she would find Uchiha Itachi and cure him of whatever ailed him. In another world, she would be best friends with Sarada. In another world...
But not this one.
"I accept," Sakura whispered. "I accept it ends here. I'll journey on."
A sensation not unlike the one she felt when the Tengu dropped her blinded into Shikkotsu overtook her. The ground beneath her feet rumbled as the dark forest of Shikkotsu tore away from her, dissolving into nothing. She held onto Sarada with all her might, afraid to let go of the other woman's hands. "I'll find you. Even in this life."
Sarada cried and smiled as she faded into oblivion with the rest of Shikkotsu, her hands torn from Sakura's. Over the thundering barrage of Shikkotsu, she could barely make out Sarada's last whisper: "Goodbye mama."
Sakura blinked, and the forest and clearing were gone. Everything around her was black except for the white, shining stones of the road before her that remained that led to Shikkotsu's Center. She felt more tired than she had ever felt in her life, Sarada's final words echoing in her head as she forced back the fear and the tears, and walked.
The center itself looked to be an ancient tree that shone in multiple colors—silver, golden, hues she didn't have names for, changing with each step she took. It wasn't until she was right in front of it she realized another person stood by the tree. An old woman, her hair pulled into a messy knot, stooped over as she patted the tree. When she heard Sakura approach, she glanced over her shoulder.
It was her.
Her face worn with age, pink hair turned white, but there was no mistaking her green eyes or the way she smiled. No mistaking the way her older version held herself, or the way she placed her hands on her hips. "Took you long enough," older Sakura said, then burst into laughter.
"I—" she was quiet. "I did this before?"
"And you'll do it again." Sakura waved for her to come closer. "Come, come."
Baffled, Sakura approached the multi-hued tree and the older version of herself, finding, to her surprise, she could look down on herself. "You've..."
"Listen kid, this happens with old age," Sakura snapped. "Be grateful your teeth don't fall out."
Unable to stop herself, a chuckle slipped from her lips. The older version of herself regarded her for a moment from the corner of her eye, then joined her. "Ah, but you look exactly like I remember."
"Can you—"
"I can't tell you a thing, and you know it," the older version of her laughed. "One lifetime, that is what you committed to. But I won't spell out which decisions to take and which not to. I would have no idea what to tell you, anyway. You probably led a different life from myself."
"Right." Sakura nodded.
"This is Nirvana," old Sakura spoke. "A place beyond even the spirit realm. Although this is just the form your mind has given it. Mine looks a lot nicer." She cackled seeing Sakura's flat expression. "This tree is the shape you've given the natural energy. Natural energy circulates all throughout the world, but it is usually imperceptible. In order to use Senjutsu, Sage techniques, one must learn how to sense the natural energy in your surroundings and draw it into your body. All three Sage realms have different ways of doing this—the Toads like to sit around and accumulate it. I hesitate to know what the Snakes do, but the Slugs..." She tapped her forehead.
"The Byakugou?"
"In a sense." Old Sakura closed her eyes and focused. Around the purple Byakugou, a golden circle formed, encapsulated by another circle, and eight spokes forming at equidistant places. Old Sakura opened her eyes. "In the same way that you've been accumulating energy for the Byakugou, you'll be able to store natural energy. By touching this tree, the original source, your eyes will be opened to that natural energy, and you'll unlock the way to store it. Using it, however, will take time and practice, but you're a smart girl and Katsuyu will be there to guide you."
Sakura took in the information, committed it to memory, then nodded.
"Questions?" her old self asked.
She looked at the weathered face and the familiar green eyes. "Were you happy?"
"Oh child," Sakura said, eyes suddenly far off. "I've seen so much. So much pain and destruction and loss. But also beauty. I've known love. I've journeyed to where few people have. I've kept those around me safe, as much as I could. I was loved. And that is all anyone can really hope for." The old version of her smiled. The wrinkles pulled in each direction as she did so, then took Sakura's hand into hers. "Remember to always be true to yourself. Remember to love and give people a chance. Remember to let go, when the time is right, and be thankful for the memories. Remember Shikkotsu."
"I will," Sakura whispered.
"Good." Old Sakura's hand tightened around her, before she bellowed: "Shannaro!" and placed Sakura's hand on the tree.
For a second, nothing happened.
And then something did.
A massive stream of golden, glittering water seemed to flow before her—but it wasn't water. Memories of time itself slipped past her like a river, flowing and coalescing, filling her mind with an understanding of things she had never thought of, never found important, never knew. All of time and space flowed in and out of her, faces of Senju and Uchiha members she had never seen before, faced of a man with purple-ringed eyes, of a woman with snow-white hair and silvery eyes, faces of men and women she had never known, the world crumbling and rebuilding, winters turning into summers and back into winters, rivers flooding and vanishing, grounds crackling before rain pounded down on it and restarted life, a young Tsunade struggling in Shikkotsu as she cried before the Nopperabou, a strawberry blonde pregnant woman drinking a cup of tea, a teenage Itachi in ANBU suit kneeling before the Third and three older people she didn't recognize, a tiny blonde boy she recognizes as the Fourth Hokage sitting before a grave, her infant self in her mother's arms as Mebuki screamed in fear while the Nine Tails roared in the distance, a boy at a riverside gasping for air, a child Kakashi stumbling upon his father's corpse, an unmarked grave in a sunlit clearing, Tsunade seated before Sasuke's parents, Sasuke handing her a piece of grilled Forest of Death centipede, Kakashi telling her he would not hurt medics, Ino's crying face at Asuma's burial, Obito's eyes as he talked about his past, Chiriku laughing at Sasuke plucking the Bingo Book from Kiba's hands, the Sixth's smile and voice that felt warmer than the sun, and—
Her eyed spread open, air suddenly coming hard to her. She was in a flowering meadow, the humanoid version of Katsuyu standing before her, observing her with wide-eyes and a smile while Sakura willed her buckling knees into submission.
She remembered the time at the Fire Temple.
She remembered what Chiriku and Asuma told her.
She remembered Tobirama's Legacy.
"How... How long was I in the forest for?" Sakura asked.
Katsuyu blinked. "Time passes differently in Shikkotsu versus the outside world, but... Sakura-sama, it has been decades," Katsuyu said, shaking her head. "Two or three decades passed in Shikkotsu... But you've only been gone for fifty-nine seconds in the real world."
'Fifty-nine seconds. They will never cease to haunt me, will they?' Sakura realized with a humorless smile.
"I need to go."
"Sakura-sama?!"
"I need to go," Sakura panted out, suddenly tired. "L.E.G. They need to know. It's important. I'll come back right after."
Without waiting for an answer, Sakura scrambled up to her feet and began sprinting down the one path visible to her, past the giant moonlilies that bloomed on the trees, past the mossy green slug sage statue, past the weathered red gates that stood proudly at Shikkotsu Forests' rim.
'Almost there,' Sakura realized, seeing the clearing through which she had entered. She needed to get back to Konoha—needed to share this vital piece of information before—
She stopped in her tracks.
Kakashi sat on a flat rock, arms leaning on his knees, his mismatched eyes half-lidded as always. There was a moment in which it almost relieved her to see him until she realized this was not the same man she had met in Shikkotsu.
"Sa-ku-ra," Kakashi said, and if she closed her eyes, she could still see the ghost of a crinkly eyed smile. He stood and slipped his hands into his pockets, his Akatsuki cloak billowing gently in the wind. "I've been waiting for you."