Give me one more chance to love you
Liza put her signature on some final papers before packing up for the night. Tonight was her first therapy session and she was filled with guarded optimism. Their therapist, Dr. Carol Smithson, asked them each to attend one session separately before she had them start together as a couple. Tonight was Liza's session. Tomorrow night would be Charles'.
The two months he was at Yaddo had passed quicker than either of them thought it would. True to their word, they'd both taken that time to reflect on both their relationship and on themselves. They'd kept journals. Whenever they came to a realization about something, or when a lingering question arose they would write it down.
Liza actually found this process to be very cathartic. She never really looked at how David's cheating, gambling and their subsequent failed marriage affected her. Once again Liza was tasked with just shouldering on. Selling their house and quickly finding a job because someone had to pay Caitlin's tuition. Liza Miller had never had someone who took care of her. She always had to take care of herself and everyone else around her. She realized this made her fiercely independent but not always in a positive way. Having someone take care of you didn't mean you couldn't take care of yourself. It meant that someone loved you enough to want to shoulder some of the burden and it wasn't a failure for letting them do just that.
She had seen some of Charles' attempts to take care of her as him not trusting her to do it herself but looking back she saw how foolish that was. He did things out of love for her not because he didn't think she was competent. Hell even after breaking up with her he'd tasked her with guarding his family's legacy while he'd be away.
Liza also did a lot of reflecting on her relationship with Josh. Josh was the one to initially give her a new lease on life. With him Liza was alive again, sexy and youthful. For a time she did love him and she would always be grateful to him. But as more time had passed their large age difference was glaringly apparent. Evidenced by her tattoo, among other things. She got it because it was a first for her that she could experience with him.
Looking back, he had gotten upset that there were many 'firsts' he wouldn't get to experience with her and she had wanted to make him feel better, reassure him. She shouldn't have done that. She should do that for no one. Not even Charles. That's why she didn't say yes to his marriage proposal. She would gladly spend her life with Charles but at the time marriage was not something she wanted. She hoped that in therapy one of the things they could address was how that didn't mean she didn't want to be with him.
She thought about her friends from New Jersey and how they felt about Josh. At first they were very apprehensive, what was she doing with a 26 year old? Then they saw how serious he was about her and their feelings changed. Until she was with Charles. Suddenly he was the appropriate choice and the one she should have been with all along. That had bothered her.
For 20 years David and then her daughter's needs had controlled her choices. David constantly chastised her and yet she's not the one that gambled away their daughter's college fund or had an affair. It bothered her a lot that her close friends couldn't trust that she was making the right choice no matter who that was. If she was being honest with herself, which was painful at times, her feelings for Josh lingered longer because of this. It shouldn't matter the age of who she was with. What should matter is how they treated her. So she'd held on to feelings for Josh longer than she should have to prove a point. One that no one but her was paying attention to well except maybe for Josh which hadn't been fair to him.
Another reason for holding on to her feelings for him is that he was a safe choice. He was nice, he was kind and he loved her. But with Charles it was a whole nother level of love. Charles wasn't just nice or kind, he was so much more than that. He also wasn't just good looking. Their connection was so much more than physical, though that was amazingly strong as well. She had connected with Charles on levels she didn't even know existed. It was as if her soul had been adrift until she met him. It was terrifying to be that connected to a person because the potential loss of that person was tremendous which she'd experienced.
She remembered one night Maggie teasing her about how geeky her and Charles were. How they could nerd out about anything and even get turned on by arguing about books. She never had anything like that with Josh. She and Josh never connected on an intellectual level.
Also, unlike David, Charles never tried to stifle her intelligence because he was never threatened by it. In her experience men had always been threatened by an intelligent woman. She knew David definitely was. She almost thought he was happy when Caitlin came along because it had stalled her career. He knew otherwise she would have been a fast climber.
Her self-reflections had been very informative and it left her with a list of lingering questions she wanted answered:
Why did his sudden mistrust of her seemingly come out of nowhere? He could trust her with his children, the two most important people in his life, with his family's legacy but not his heart, why?
Why had marriage meant more to him than being with her?
Why wasn't he always honest with her about what was going on? (mortgaging the townhouse, starting Mercury, etc…)
Why did he want to be with her? What changed between him telling her it couldn't work and him showing up at her door?
How did she know he wouldn't do this again (leave)? He had loved and accepted her for who she was and the past she had and then suddenly he vanished (more than once). She couldn't go through that again and this was her biggest fear about their reconciliation.
Liza made sure her journal was tucked into her purse before she headed out. She thought it prudent to bring incase she had trouble remembering something. She didn't know what Dr. Smithson was going to ask. She was definitely nervous but the therapist had come highly recommended. Turns out Bob and Julia had used her a few years back. They said she had a somewhat unconventional style but was really intuitive and extremely helpful. She never pushed. She wanted you to come to the realizations on your own. She was just the facilitator.
Twenty minutes later Liza was riding the elevator up to Dr. Smithson's office. She was nervous but also tried to remain hopeful. If her and Charles wanted a chance at a lasting future then this was their shot and she knew they needed to take it.
When she reached the outer office door she noticed there were several buzzers all with names next to them. She assumed they were other therapists. She found Dr. Smithson's name and pressed the buzzer before entering the waiting room. Two minutes later a petite redhead walked into the waiting area.
"Liza Miller?" she asked.
"Yes," Liza answered as she stood up.
"Hi im Dr. Carol Smithson and it's a pleasure to meet you, right this way," she said, shaking her hand and leading her into her office.
She motioned to a couch on the right side of the room and Liza took a seat. Liza's nerves had skyrocketed although she wasn't entirely sure why as she felt this office was truly a safe space.
"So…" Liza said awkwardly, not sure how to start.
"I know you're probably a little nervous but I promise you my number one job here is to help you both."
Liza let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding.
"Why don't we start with why you're here. In your own words."
"Well, Charles' and I's relationship has seen its fair share of ups and downs but at the end of the day there's no one I would rather be with. No one I'd rather share the good or the bad times with. I just know we can't keep going the way we were. You can love someone more than life itself but sometimes I feel like that might not be enough."
Dr. Smithson listened intently as Liza spoke. She purposely had one to one sessions with each person before they met as a couple. Too often, more than she'd like to see, one person wanted a reconciliation more than the other. She needed to see where each person stood before she worked with them together.
When Liza finished speaking, she asked her another question.
"Who would you say is most responsible for the issues in your relationship?"
"We both share fault but the feelings we started developing for one another were during a period when I was pretending to be 26. I feel like that foundational crack is squarely on me." Liza proceeded to describe why she'd lied and other areas of their relationship where she felt she played the biggest role in their demise. While she hadn't let Charles off the hook, it was clear to Dr. Smithson that Liza was framing their history to paint Charles in more a positive light, as anyone would do for a loved one.
Before their session concluded, she explained to Liza her format for future sessions.
"So as you know I saw you this evening and I will be meeting with Charles tomorrow. Nothing you've said tonight will be shared with him and vice versa. If there is something you want him to know it can be said during our couple's sessions. Also my sessions are slightly unorthodox. I require couples to arrive at each session separately. When you arrive and meet, I want you to see it as leaving behind your personal biases for the good of your relationship as a unit. You will arrive as an individual but leave as a team. To that end after every session you are to leave together and head out on a date. Doesn't have to be anything crazy. Just something fun so you can associate therapy with happy memories as well. I find this is really beneficial for couples. My role is to be a facilitator. I will not push either of you. You can proceed at the pace that you're comfortable with. If I see an area that I think needs to be addressed I will steer the conversation in that direction but only if I think you're both comfortable with that. Do you have any questions?"
Liza took a minute to absorb what she'd been told. She actually liked the fact that they would have a date after each session. She could see, just as Dr. Smithson had said, she'd have happy memories to associate with therapy.
"No, I think I'm ok for now, thank you."
"If you do think of any you can reach out anytime. Otherwise I will see you next week. Oh and one last thing. Make a list of 5 reasons why you love Charles."
Liza thanked her again as she left. As the elevator headed down to the lobby Liza was filled with hope. A real hope she hadn't felt in ages. She believed in the power of positive thinking. They could make it, no they would make it. She headed home with a small smile on her face.