I want a second chance at falling in love with you for the first time.
The past two months had been some of the most intense yet satisfying of Charles Brooks' life. Finishing his novel was life changing. He would be forever grateful to Liza for giving him this opportunity. One he needed more than he'd realized. The past two months were either spent working on his novel or working on himself. He spent many a night writing in a journal reflecting on his life choices and on his relationship with Liza.
His whole life there had been an expectation to succeed. Failure was not an option. As a Brooks, success was in your DNA. These were tremendous shoes for Charles to fill. He truly never felt like he measured up to the expectations his father set. As a child he read comic books, which his father despised, he played baseball religiously, something his father also disapproved of. His father was a fan of the game, but thought there was no point in playing and practicing when it wasn't going anywhere. It was not as if Charles was going to make a career out of it, Charles career was predetermined, of course he would take over as publisher of Empirical. When Charles started writing The Miseducation of Henry Cane it had been a way to process a very defining moment in his life. His father had thought it could be a success if finished. For a multitude of reasons it never got finished. Life moved on and when he was tasked with running Empirical, well before he thought he was ready, he never thought about it again. That was until Liza had asked him to find the author.
When he took over as publisher, he felt like a fish out of water. Sure his whole life had been grooming him for this moment but he should have had many more years to prepare. He was acutely aware of the devil on his shoulder always taunting him about his impending failure. Therefore he wasn't going to give writing another go and face another potential failure. So Charles made sure his life choices from that point forward were safe. He married the 'right' girl, had two children and lived the appropriate life of a member of New York's high society. The truth is Charles often felt like a caged bird always yearning to be free but his duty to his family's legacy ensnared him and prevented him from doing anything else.
When he'd told Bob that Liza made him feel free he'd meant it. For the first time in his life he was with someone who saw him for who he truly was. From the boy who loved to read comic books, and play baseball, to the man who'd always done what was expected of him no matter what it cost him personally. She let him breathe. There was no pretense when he was with her. She was just as happy spending a night curled up on the couch watching Frozen with the girls as she was attending the opera with him. She didn't care that his last name was Brooks or that he was wealthy. If there was something he didn't know how to do or something he couldn't do, especially when it came to parenting, she was always so patient and kind, sharing her wisdom. He was never a failure to Liza.
He remembered one night he called her as Bianca was having a serious hair emergency. Nicole had thought it would be funny to put bubble gum in her hair as a classmate had told Nicole she'd done it to her own sister. Of course the gum was not coming out and short of cutting her hair he saw no way of removing it. Trouble was Nicole had placed it near Bianca's ear and he'd be chopping off half her hair if he wanted to get it out. Liza had been staying in Brooklyn having a catch up night with Maggie and he had hesitated calling her feeling really guilty for bothering her.
"Charles is everything ok?" she'd asked when she answered the phone.
"Other than the fact that Nicole is now grounded until her wedding day. Sure everything's fine," he'd said sarcastically.
Liza laughed.
"What happened? Surely it can't be that bad."
"Well one of her classmates had shared how she'd put bubble gum in her little sister's hair so Nicole thought she'd do the same thing to Bianca. The problem is I can't get it out. Short of cutting her hair off I don't see any other way of getting it out."
Liza had told him she'd be right over. He had told her that he felt terrible for interrupting her night, maybe she had a solution she could share over the phone.
She said not to worry, her and Maggie had just finished their dinner and no one should have to face the dreaded bubble gum emergency alone.
When she'd gotten there, she'd headed straight for the kitchen grabbing the jar of peanut butter from the cabinet, running upstairs. Poor Bianca had obviously been crying and Charles looked like he wasn't far behind.
She'd taken his hand.
"Hey it's ok. Don't worry she'll be fine. Believe it or not peanut butter has magical powers when it comes to removing bubble gum from hair."
"Liza," Bianca had sniffled.
"Nicole put this in my hair and now it won't come out. I don't wanna cut my hair." She said as fresh tears streamed down her face.
"Hey, who said anything about cutting your hair? I've got a magic trick that will make that gum come right out, no cutting necessary," Liza said, flashing Bianca a reassuring smile.
True to her word 20 minutes later the bubble gum was removed and her hair had been washed. Bianca was now back to her happy giggling self and Charles had avoided having a heart attack. If this had happened whilst he and Pauline were still together she would've told him of course he didn't know what to do. He was never home so it was no wonder he didn't know how to take care of the girls. Liza had done the exact opposite.
Once the girls were in bed, she'd gotten him a glass of whisky as they snuggled up on the couch.
"Looked like you could really use this," she said, smiling sweetly.
He thanked her before downing the whole glass in one swig.
"Hey, hey. It's not that bad. We got it out and there was no need to cut her hair," she said smiling as she patted his thigh.
"You got it out. I was this close to chopping off half her hair," he said dejectedly.
"We did it as a team. Sometimes you need to call in reinforcements. Don't the Yankees ever use a pinch hitter?" She asked with a smile.
Charles laughed in spite of himself.
"Well yes they do."
"See no shame in calling in reinforcements. Liza Miller pinch hitter extraordinaire at your service."
He smiled, pulling her in for a kiss. She always found a way to make him feel like less of a failure. Make him feel like this was how things normally turned out in life. If only he truly believed that he wasn't a failure.
One might ask if things had been going so well and Charles felt so free with Liza then what was the problem? The truth is the ghosts of Charles' childhood and failed marriage haunted him like a bad horror film. He'd run from them but never confronted them. His father had never failed at anything and his mother had been the dutiful wife who never questioned him. One of the problems in his relationship with Liza was that when they'd finally been able to be out in public as a couple, they'd had to do so as Charles Brooks 40 something Publisher and Liza Miller 20 something assistant. He didn't see this as Liza's fault. On the contrary he very much saw this as a daily reminder of one of his glaring failures. He'd let Empirical get to the point that it had needed investors. If he'd been better able to manage Empircal's finances over the years then he wouldn't have been beholden to anyone and could have done as he pleased.
When Liza had rejected his marriage proposal it felt like another colossal failure. First Pauline had left him and now Liza was rejecting him. At the time he couldn't see she wasn't rejecting him, just the idea of marriage. A million thoughts had run through his mind at the time. Where had he gone wrong? When had he not loved her enough? Was Josh the issue? Liza kept saying things were long over between her and Josh and yet Liza was always worried how Charles would feel if he was brought up or if she had interactions with him. Truthfully it was her own insecurities that had fueled Charles' speculations. Charles' interactions (since his and Liza's coupling) with Pauline never led Liza to believe they'd reconcile and they shared two children.
His failed marriage to Pauline also left him with major trust issues he never dealt with. When Liza rejected his marriage proposal the seeds of mistrust and doubt shot up like weeds in his mind. So he'd walked away. It was easier to end things then live with the daily reminder of his failure, or of her rejection.
Like a moth to a flame however he couldn't stay away from Liza forever. It would always be her. No one could ever take her place in his heart. The problem was because he hadn't dealt with his mistrust and insecurity issues, when he'd asked her if she would've told him if he hadn't gotten into Yaddo and she'd said no he'd shut down. So if he had failed she wouldn't have said anything. Of course because she would have been pitying him by not telling him.
Like most things in his life, when he took time to look at them with fresh eyes he realized that he was being foolish, he needed Liza like he needed his next breath. He also realized the only way he and Liza were to work is if they went to therapy. There were too many unanswered questions and personal insecurities that they needed to talk through. They also needed an objective moderator so to speak for these conversations. They needed someone to hold them accountable for what they said and were too afraid to say. Charles was just thankful that Liza had agreed to therapy.
During his two months of self reflection there were lingering questions he'd written down that he wanted answers to:
Why hadn't she come clean about her lie. If he hadn't found out through Moore would she have told him on her own?
Why did she reject his proposal?
Was he her second choice behind Josh?
Charles made sure to grab his journal as he packed up and headed out to his appointment. He wanted to make sure he had it in case his nerves got the better of him and he forgot something.
When he'd first suggested therapy he wasn't sure that Liza would say yes. He was relieved that she was just as eager as he was. Then he'd realized he needed to find a therapist. He remembered Bob telling him and Julia had seen a great one a few years back and he asked him who they'd seen.
"Her name is Dr. Carol Smithson. She has an office on the Upper East Side. She's a little unconventional with some of her methods but we loved her. She's super kind and really wants to help. No hidden agendas," Bob had told him.
Charles took a deep breath as he exited the elevator. He knew this wasn't only a chance for him and Liza to confront the issues in their relationship, but also a chance for him to confront the demons that had been haunting him for years.
He pushed the buzzer for Dr. Smithson's office and took a seat in the waiting room.
He was just about to open the latest edition of the New Yorker Magazine when the door opened and Dr. Smithson walked in.
"Charles?"
"Yes."
"Nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Smithson. Right this way," she said, leading him to her office.
Once inside she directed him to sit on the couch.
"I just want to let you know that anything you say here is confidential. I told Liza the same thing yesterday. If there is something you want her to know you can bring it up again during our couples' sessions. I will not share anything with her that you do not want me to. I also will not push either of you to discuss something if I think you're not ready for it. I don't want this to be a dreaded experience."
Dr. Smithson saw visibly Charles relax.
"Why don't we start with why you're here?"
Charles ran a hand through his hair before speaking.
"I love Liza. There will never be anyone else. But I know that I/we have too many ghosts that we never confronted. If we don't do this now we won't have another chance at forever. I love Liza more than life itself but we need to work out our issues. Otherwise I don't think our love will be enough…"
Dr. Smithson was happy to see that both Liza and Charles were here because they both wanted to be. No one was forcing the other to come. They both came out of a deep mutual love and respect for one another.
When Charles finished speaking she asked him the same question she asked Liza the night before.
"Who would you say is most responsible for the issues in your relationship?"
"Well neither of us is perfect but if I had to lay most of the blame on one person it would be myself. My failures in my marriage, in the handling of my company meant Liza and I couldn't start our relationship out on equal or smooth footing. We had to continue to perpetuate her lie that she was my millennial assistant which did not garner her many fans. I know when my ex-wife first found out she was not actually a millennial she was furious. She's a big fan of Liza's now but that wasn't always the case. If hadn't let Empiracal get to the point where it needed investors then Liza wouldn't have had to continue to lie about her age…"
Charles explained to Dr. Smithson why Liza hadn't been able to reveal her age and how only a handful of people had known the acutal truth at the time. He felt like even after he gave up his post as publisher because of his failures Liza still had to suffer. He also explained to her that he had a lot of insecurities left over from his childhood and his failed marriage and he'd held those against Liza which had been unfair. He knew it was unfair but he also didn't know any other way of completely trusting her in certain situations which caused them both a lot of anguish.
While he did reveal the lingering questions he had regarding Liza, just as she had the night before, Charles was shourldering most of the blame for the failures in their relationship which Dr. Smithson saw as a good sign. No direct bitterness was held towards the other, they both had a lot of unanswered questions which she knew that if answered, and worked through, would lead to major break throughs for them as a couple.
Before concluding her session with Charles, she explained to him, as she had done to Liza the night before, the format for future sessions.
"As I stated earlier, nothing you've said tonight will be directly shared by me with Liza unless you choose it to be. Also since my sessions are slightly unorthodox I would like to briefly review the format for our future sessions. Each session I require couples to arrive separately. When you arrive I want you to feel that you are arriving as a single person with insecurities and questions but you will soon be united as a team working through all this issues and you are not alone. That is why at the end of each session you are to leave together and head out on a date. Doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just something fun so you can associate therapy with happy memories. I find this is really beneficial for all my couples. Once again, my role is that of a facilitator. I will not push either of you. You can proceed at whatever pace you're comfortable with. If I see an area that I think needs to be addressed I will steer the conversation in that direction but only if I think you're both comfortable with that. Also for next week's session make a list of 5 reasons why you love Liza. Do you have any questions?"
"No, thank you so much Dr." Charles said shaking her hand.
As he headed for the elevator he felt a sense of hope wash over him. Charles was finally going to get his chance at falling in love with her all over again and he couldn't wait.