A true relationship is two unperfect people refusing to give up on each other.
Charles had just finished dropping Nicole and Bianca at Pauline's and was now on his way to his weekly therapy session with Liza. The last session had gone so well but he was nervous for tonight's session. Last week they had spoken about the reasons why they loved one another. For Charles, talking about why he loved Liza was easy. He could talk about that for days.
Today he had no idea what they would talk about but trusted that Dr. Smithson would make sure the conversation headed in the direction it needed to even if it was an uncomfortable experience. After all that's why they were in therapy to have someone push them to talk about the things they needed to but otherwise avoided. Charles knew that not all sessions would be a walk in the park but was confident they could work through any issues that might arise. He hopped in his Uber willing his nerves not to get the best of him.
xxx
Liza had just gotten back to the loft and was changing before heading out to their weekly therapy session. Charles had mentioned that for their date, pants and sneakers were recommended. He didn't elaborate and she didn't ask, happy with it being a surprise.
She had been slightly nervous walking into their last session but things had gone well. Dr. Smithson had asked them to share the five reasons why they loved one another. They had been tasked with writing this earlier and she had really enjoyed this particular homework assignment. Reflecting on the reasons why she loved Charles cemented for her that she was making the right choice in attending therapy and giving their relationship another shot. No man had ever done for her what Charles had. While she had no idea what they would discuss in today's session, she was certain that even if it made them uncomfortable it would ultimately bring them closer to their goal.
An hour later Liza was walking up to Dr. Smithson's building when she saw Charles getting out of his Uber. He didn't see her and she took a moment to admire the view. He was wearing a black button down shirt and her favorite pair of dark wash jeans. She shook herself out of her daydream of getting him out of said jeans and hurried inside.
When the door to the waiting room opened Charles looked up and smiled. Liza looked beautiful. She was wearing a cream colored cashmere sweater and jeans. Charles loved her casual look, he felt like it suited her.
He gave her a quick kiss hello before the door opened and Dr. Smithson escorted them inside.
"Good evening Charles and Liza, it's lovely to see you again. When I saw you both individually I asked you both the same question. Do you remember what that was?"
"Who was most responsible for the issues in our relationship," they answered in unison.
That was a question neither was likely to forget.
"Yes, I would like to revisit that question since I have you here together. Who did you say was most responsible?"
Both Charles and Liza pointed to themselves.
"I am."
Charles looked at Liza baffled. While she wasn't innocent she surely was not the one most responsible for their demise. That responsibility was squarely on his shoulders. If he hadn't failed in running his business or if things between him and Pauline had ended amicably, among other things, they would have had a much easier road in the beginning.
Liza too was perplexed. Why would Charles say he was responsible? Yes he had some blame but if she hadn't lied about her age they could've started their relationship on solid ground. Their budding attraction would not have been built upon a foundation of sand that she felt kept shifting under their feet. Her lie was the horrid gift that kept on giving. Gifting them nothing but heartache and grief.
"Charles I appreciate you trying to be a gentleman here and taking most of the blame but it's not yours to take. I'm the one who lied about my age. You originally fell for a 26 year old millennial assistant in your company. Remember how you felt when you found out my real age?"
While Charles would fully admit he had been more than a little upset when he found out she lied and held it against her for far too long, she'd done it to protect and provide for her daughter. He couldn't fault her for that.
"When we first were able to be 'out' in public as a couple we still had to lie about my age. Trust me that didn't garner you any fans. If I hadn't lied then the foundation of our relationship would not have been built on sand. You know the parable about a house being built on sand instead of rock. Our initial relationship was doomed from the start and it's all because of me," Liza said dejectedly.
"Liza, you did what you had to do to provide for your daughter. I'll admit I was upset when I found out you lied. More so because you never said anything to me and I was hurt that you felt you needed to lie to me. I held it against you longer than I should have but in the end your age was just a number. I for one couldn't care less what anyone else thought about your age. Who I chose to spend my time with was nobody's business."
"You and I both know that that's not true. Everyone cared. That's why I had to keep lying about my age even after you stepped down. I couldn't move in with you after Pauline first found out as she was furious. People cared and that was my fault."
Charles was frustrated. He heard what she was saying but that only reinforced to him that he was responsible.
"Liza, I hear what you're saying and I appreciate how you feel but my growing list of failures is the real reason we had so many problems. You lied because you had to. You didn't have a choice. If I had done a better job at running the company then it never would have needed investors. My failure at handling the company's finances properly, is the real reason why you had to keep lying. Additionally, if I had handled my marriage differently then Pauline wouldn't have held such animosity toward us and our relationship."
Dr. Smithson intely watched the exchange between Charles and Liza. At this point she felt it wasn't necessary that she intervene. They were both getting off their chest things they kept to themselves for far too long.
"You keep saying you're a failure. Why? So Empirical needed investors. It wouldn't be the first company and it won't be the last. As for your marriage, no one is ever innocent. I can attest that you can do everything you think is right and it still doesn't work out."
"Liza my whole life I was taught that failure was not an option. My father failed at nothing, and my mother never questioned him. I was raised to join a long line of successful Brooks men. I had to succeed at any endeavor I started. Why do you think I never finished my novel? I couldn't possibly do it while my father was alive. To him it had great potential and could be a big success. However if I finished it then there was a possibility that it could be a big flop as well. It was like the lotto ticket you never check. It's always a winner until you check the numbers. My father never needed to take on investors but I had to. How badly must I have failed for Pauline to not only leave me but leave the girls too? Who does that unless someone was directly responsible for driving them out and that someone was me. None of that though compares to how I failed you," his voice trailed off as he said the last part turning away from her.
Liza saw him turn away a look of shame and on his face. Failed her? I mean sure he did and said things that really hurt her but failed her? Not in the colossal way he seemed to be mentioning.
"Failed me? Charles I don't understand when did you fail me?"
Charles took a moment before responding. It was obvious this was difficult for him to discuss.
"Liza you said no. You turned down my proposal. I ran through that moment a thousand times in my head. There must have been a time when I didn't love you enough or a time when my previously mentioned failures made the thought of marrying me unappealing to put it politely. I wasn't sure if maybe Josh had done a better job at loving you and that was the issue, or maybe it was the drama with Pauline, I know that wasn't fun to deal with. I felt by saying no you were tactfully telling me I'd failed without actually uttering those words. You had never mentioned before that marriage was off the table so that meant it was just marriage to me that was an issue."
Liza felt like she'd been hit with a ton of bricks. She never knew Charles felt this way. Right or wrong this is how he'd felt and she could see why he'd walked away. He was right. She should have said something to him sooner about not wanting to get married. Knowing Charles like she did, she should have said something back when he asked her to move in with him. She also knew that she had been very insecure about her past relationship with Josh and it wasn't fair to Charles that she freaked out anytime he was brought up.
She'd had a hard time letting go, not of Josh specifically, but of the love that had allowed her to move on from David. She was grateful to Josh for giving her that. He allowed her to move on and feel worthy of love again. However it wasn't until it was too late that she realized that being grateful didn't mean she owed him anything. It wasn't her fault that Josh couldn't move on. When things didn't work out with Clare he wanted to be back with her and that wasn't fair to Liza. He never truly accepted her relationship with Charles whereas she was the one that secured him his initial date with Clare. She also held onto 'feelings' for Josh longer than she should have to spite her friends who'd told her he wasn't the appropriate choice. In the end the only person she'd spited was herself and she deeply regretted it, she'd led Josh on and made Charles feel like he wasn't enough. Maybe if Charles had felt that he was enough he wouldn't have walked away when she'd said no to marriage.
"Charles I wanted to be with you, I just didn't want to get married. It wasn't because of your failures, maybe more because of my own. I should've been up front with you in the beginning about not wanting to get married again. If that's what you really want someday, if it's a deal breaker, I'm letting you know now how I feel before we go further, I don't want to get married to you or anyone," Liza said unsure of herself. She was nervous. She knew they had to talk about her not wanting to get married but she hadn't expected to talk about it tonight. The cat was now out of the bag though and if it truly was a deal breaker for Charles she would be devastated.
Charles took a moment to compose himself before answering and the wait felt like an eternity to Liza.
"Liza, I told you before that I am an impulsive person, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Would I like to marry you someday? Yes but only if you want to get married. If you don't I'm ok with that. Honestly I know part of my impulsivity was born out of a need to prove that you were mine and no one else's, which was stupid I know. When you said no it felt like you really weren't mine, like my worst fears were coming true. Pauline leaving shattered my world, but if you left it would have obliterated it. So I left on my terms and did my best to forget about you. Of course I failed at that too but that failure I can live with."
Liza let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. He didn't care if they never got married. That was her biggest fear next to him leaving again. Now she had a better understanding of why he left the first time and knew it was in large part to her not honestly communicating her feelings with him.
"Charles, Liza, our time here is nearly over but I think this conversation is important and we should continue it next week. I think Liza it is important that you explain to Charles why marriage is not for you with anyone, not just with him," Dr. Smithson said. She knew Charles needed to put that question to bed and Liza still needed to fully process her insecurities with marriage.
They both agreed with Dr. Smithson and thanked her for her time.
Liza had planned out their last date so Charles took charge of planning this one. He had read about the opening of Summit One Vanderbilt, a unique new way to take in the landscape of New York City. First they would take a 1,200 ride up in an elevator made entirely of glass before reaching the massive observation deck where they could take in 360 views of the entire city while grabbing a drink from the bar. They exited her offices and into a waiting Uber that would take them straight there.
They both were quiet on the ride over, still taking time to process everything that had been discussed during their session. When they arrived, they walked silently toward the Summit Ascent Elevator that would take them up to the observation deck.
"We hope you have a nice ride. We guarantee a heart-stopping view," the attendant said as they boarded the elevator. Charles and Liza nodded thanks as the elevator began its ascent.
Liza looked down at the city at her feet and watched as things slowly drifted out of view. Soon she could no longer make out the people milling about as their figures blurred into the streets below. What a juxtaposition, Liza thought. Their tall figures in the elevator contrasted by the miniature scene below them. We really are so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. She thought as she silently stared at the city.
Charles was also silent as they ascended. He reflected on their evening thus far. He had been shocked when she said that she was the one most responsible for the demise of their relationship. While he would fully admit neither was an innocent party but he had always seen himself as the reason for their downfall. As he watched the buildings below fade into small figurines he realized how small their problems seemed at this height. It wasn't about who was to blame, but rather how they could 'use' this blame to really analyze the demons that plagued them both. For Charles he needed to find a way to let go of the guilt that haunted him.
When the elevator stopped and the doors opened, Charles silently reached for Liza's hand giving it a reassuring squeeze. They exited the elevator and walked to a quiet corner of the observation deck where they had a spectacular view of the City that Never Sleeps. Charles wrapped his arms around her waist as she leaned back into his chest, neither breaking the spell of silence that followed them since they arrived.
They spent the next several minutes just staring at the city below, both reflecting on how their earlier frustration didn't matter. What mattered was that they kept pushing forward.
Charles was the first to speak.
"Dance with me," he said softly.
Liza turned to look at him, a slightly puzzled look on her face.
"Dance with me," was all he said again as he held his hand out to her. She accepted and he handed her one of the AirPods from his pocket as he used the other one for himself. He pulled her close as he pressed play on his phone.
Nothin' goes as planned
Everything will break
People say goodbye
In their own special way
All that you rely on
And all that you can fake
Will leave you in the morning
But find you in the day
They gently swayed to the music as the city stood at their feet. They were so lost in the feel of one another and the music the world could have stopped turning and neither would have noticed.
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh you run away
'Cause I am not what you found
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Everything will change
Nothin' stays the same
And nobody here's perfect
Oh but everyone's to blame
All that you rely on
And all that you can save
Will leave you in the morning
And find you in the day
Charles closed his eyes in an attempt to keep the tears that threatened to spill out at bay. Next to being a father his proudest accomplishment was getting to say that he was able to love this woman. It seemed like a lifetime ago when he'd been discussing African literature with her in Diana's office. Even back then he knew there was something extraordinary about her. From the moment they met, his world would never be the same. She was the secret ingredient that made life worth living. Her face was the last thing he wanted to see as he closed his eyes at night and the first thing he saw when awoke in the morning.
The hardest thing Charles had to deal with was Liza's rejection of his marriage proposal. He was so hurt and angry. Charles was hurt by her rejection and angry at himself for failing her. Surely that's why she had said no? Maybe he hadn't loved her enough and Josh had. After all she kept saying things were long over between them but she kept bringing him up. Maybe it was his previously failed marriage that was the issue. Pauline hated Liza at the time and maybe that was just too much for her to handle. So he had done the only thing he could think of. He'd withdrawn and walked away.
His heart loved her but his head told him that she deserved to be with someone else as he clearly wasn't enough. So he'd 'attempted' to move on. He'd been so mean to her. It was wrong he knew, but he just didn't know how to act any other way as he was still hopelessly in love with her. But being with her would just remind him that he'd failed her somehow and he had enough failures on his plate. He'd said and done things that were so opposite of Charles Brooks. He even dated someone that was the antithesis of Liza Miller and all that did was make him miserable, but too proud to admit it.
Charles tried whatever he could to get over Liza but it was useless. Their souls were intertwined and he knew she would always be a part of him. She was in his blood, a part of everything he did and thought. The fact that she never gave up on him made him love her even more but the guilt he carried over failing her and walking away weighed heavy on his heart. He was starting to realize that maybe she hadn't rejected him after all, maybe she was just rejecting marriage? He didn't have all the answers yet but that only made him feel even more guilty for the way he'd treated her and the time he'd wasted not being with her.
Everything is dark
It's more than you can take
But you catch a glimpse of sunlight
Shinin', shinin' down on your face
On your face
Oh your face
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh you run away
'Cause I am not what you found
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
No I cannot get you out
No I cannot get you
Oh no I cannot get you out
No I cannot get you
Liza clung to Charles as if he was her lifeline and in so many ways he was. When she was younger her notions of romance and love had been born out of the great novels she could never seem to put down. As she aged her notions changed and love became less of the idealistic fairytale it once was. She realized now that happily ever after wasn't about perfection but about finding that person that brings out the best in you. The person that can both make you laugh and cry like you never have before. When you realize you were merely existing before you met them you know you've found 'the one.'
Happily ever after doesn't mean there'll never be sadness, it means that no matter what happens you have someone who will happily be by your side to see you through it. This beautiful man had felt he wasn't enough and his guilt broke her heart. Yes he had said and done things that were very hurtful but he was more than enough and she needed him to understand that they were leaving the past behind them. This was their chance at starting over and he had to realize she didn't hold the past against him so he shouldn't hold it against himself either.
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh you run away
'Cause I am not what you found
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
No, no, I cannot get you out
No, I cannot get you out
Oh no, I cannot get you
It was several minutes after the song ended before either of them made a move. Liza pulled away slightly to look at Charles. She could see he had been crying and she knew she needed to find a way to make him understand she had long since forgiven him. Yes there were still so many unanswered questions and many issues they still had to work through but he had to know the bottom line was that when she'd agreed to attend therapy it's because she knew that no matter what he/they'd done it wasn't more than she was willing to accept.
"Charles, look at me. You need to forgive yourself. I already have. I agreed to go to therapy with you because nothing you did was so bad that we couldn't overcome it. If I felt that you truly had failed me and there was no coming back from that then I wouldn't have agreed to therapy. Did you make mistakes? Yes, but so did I. There hasn't been one night since we got together where I haven't thought about something I did wishing I could go back and change it. I can't do it no matter how much I want to. If I spend all my time obsessing with the past then I never get to enjoy what's right in front of me and I rather like what's right in front of me," Liza said with a smile making Charles laugh.
She had done it again. No matter how bad he was feeling she always knew just what to say.
"Dance with me," Liza said, holding out her hand. "Oh and I need to borrow your phone."
He smiled as he gave her his hand and his phone. A minute later she pulled him close as the soft strands of Michael Bublé's rendition of God Only Knows started playing.
I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me?
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
"God only knows what I'd be without Charles Brooks. Now I no longer need to wonder what that is," she whispered in his ear. He pulled her closer and he offered up a silent prayer of thanks to whomever was listening.
As they danced with a city of 8 million people at their feet, they truly felt like they were on top of the world. Once you're open and honest, once you share your demons, then love truly becomes enough. For you love the person not only for who they are but in spite of what they are not nor will ever become.
A/N: I know this chapter wasn't full with as many hearts and rainbows as others but I feel that to keep true to the nature of really dealing with their issues in therapy, some chapters have to be a bit sad. After all you can't appreciate the happy without the sad. Hope you enjoyed it nonetheless :)