A/N: Sorry it's taken me so long to update. We had a COVID scare in my family and the booster knocked me out for a few days. I Wish the real world could just ignore the pandemic the way DS did. Also, thank you to everyone who has stuck with this story. The story has reached over 1,000 views and I can say I am truly honored :) To all my loyal reviewers BIG thanks! You keep motivated to keep writing. oc7ober thanks for reassuring me when I go down the rabbit of hole of doubt. Big thanks to Mavis275 for giving me tips to overcome writer's block.
Love is not enough until you talk to each other honestly. Until you share the demons you are battling with. Until you confess what you truly want.
You may be right but that doesn't mean I'm wrong.
Liza was excited about their next therapy session. While she wasn't looking forward to discussing David or Josh, she was inspired by the progress they'd made in their last session, and knew that this was necessary. Last session had been very emotional for both of them. Charles walking out when she turned down his proposal was one of the most painful experiences they both went through and was one of the biggest lingering questions she'd still had. Finally understanding why he'd done what he'd done gave Liza so much clarity on everything. Plus not wanting to get married wasn't a deal breaker for Charles and Liza had been terrified that it would be. Liza appreciated how open and honest Charles had been in their last session and knew that he deserved no less from her this session.
She had to say she also really liked Dr. Smithson. Even though the last session was very emotional for both of them it was necessary and Dr. Smithson did not stop them when things got rough which was exactly what they needed. Even her suggesting they finish talking about it in tonight's session was a great idea. Liza may not be looking forward to the conversation but she was looking forward to the progress that would be made by having it.
Additionally Liza really enjoyed their dates afterward. In the beginning of their relationship they never got to just go out on fun dates like a normal couple. When almost no one knew they were dating they spent all their time at his place or hers. She remembered the one night they'd gone out to eat and ran into Redmond, what a disaster that had been.
They also never had a real honeymoon phase to their relationship. Case in point, just when she was relishing in sneaking into the stairwell with him for a midday rendezvous, a couple of hours later she was being threatened with revenge by the ex-wife. It also didn't help that she'd felt alone. Kelsey was constantly being judgemental wanting her to make a choice (and it not be Charles) and Maggie was still Team Josh so really she'd been alone. Now Kelsey was gone and Maggie was supportive but busy with her own love life so she was no longer feeling guilty for loving Charles. Needless to say she was happy that they could finally be out on dates as 40 something divorcees. There was something so freeing in finally getting to be themselves while also sharing their innermost demons with each other in therapy.
Liza had taken a half day off work so she could attend Bianca's ballet recital. After the recital she headed back to Brooklyn to run errands and was now making her way back into Manhattan for their appointment.
xxx
Charles finished up responding to the last of his work emails before getting ready to leave for therapy. He had taken a half day to attend Bianca's ballet recital with Liza and it had been a wonderful afternoon. It was nice that everyone, including Pauline, was excited to see Liza at the recital.
Charles had been reflecting on the beginning of their relationship and how they never really got to 'date' like a normal couple. Now there were so many things he wanted to do with Liza and he could do them without worrying about who'd see them or what anyone thought about it. He was free to be Charles Brooks, Liza Miller's boyfriend and it was a title he was proud to carry.
He took one last look in the mirror before heading out. He was by no means a vain person, but lately he'd taken extra care and wanted to make sure he looked good for Liza. Inwardly he chastised himself knowing she would say he looked good in anything but it felt it was important that he looked nice.
They both arrived at the Dr. Smithson's office at nearly the same time and rode the elevator up together.
"Thank you for coming today. It meant a lot to Bianca to have you there," he said as he reached for her hand interviewing their fingers.
"It was an honor. She did a wonderful job," Liza said smiling.
A few minutes later they made their way into Dr. Smithson's office.
"Liza, Charles, pleasure to see you again. Right this way," she said, leading them out of the waiting room.
"Before we continue our conversation from last time, I wanted to take the time to see how you both felt the last session went. Was it beneficial?"
"Very," they said in unison.
Charles nodded in Liza's direction and let her speak first.
"One of the biggest questions I had going into this was why Charles just walked away when I said no. It was really eye opening for me to hear his point of view. I never knew he felt like a failure. While I might not agree that he failed me in the way he thinks he did, what's important is knowing that's how he felt. It cleared up a lot for me. It also made me look back at some of the things I did and didn't say. I should have told him sooner about my thoughts on marriage. I should've said something when he asked me to move in with him, I didn't want to rock the boat so I said nothing and that is not something I can do again. When I feel strongly about something it's important that I communicate that. Lastly, I'm relieved," she turned to Charles as she said the last part.
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I don't want to get married. While that may change, it also may not and I was worried that would be a dealbreaker for you."
Charles understood why Liza was worried. He'd all but given her that impression before.
"I hope you believe me when I say it's not. I want to be with you more than I want to get married," he gave her hand a gentle squeeze as he replied.
"As far as the last session goes it felt good to be so honest. For too long I was conditioned to keep certain feelings to myself, especially those around failure. Liza has always accepted me as I am and I should've trusted her with these feelings earlier but I didn't want to disappoint her. I felt enough people did that already. I wish I could change that, there's a lot I wish could change. So much hurt I caused you," he looked down as he said the last sentence, shoulders slumped.
"Charles, it's important to remember that there will always be things we wish we could change. Things we said we wish we could take back, things we did we wish we hadn't. We can't go back and change things and dwelling on that takes you away from the present. You cannot change what happened then but you can make sure that it doesn't happen again. This is your time to replace the sad and the hurtful memories with happy ones," Dr. Smithson said.
"That's what Liza told me last week on our date."
"Well she's right. You did say she was the smartest woman you knew, didn't you?"
Charles laughed.
"Yes I did and she is."
"I'm glad to hear that both of you took something positive away from last week's session. This week I wanted to pick up where our conversation left off last time. Liza, I think it's important to share with Charles why you don't want to get married not just to him but to anyone."
Liza took a deep breath before she spoke. Here goes nothing she thought to herself.
"When I met David at first I didn't like him. He was persistent and overtime I fell in love with him. When he asked me to marry him I thought I'd finally found my prince. That of course couldn't have been farther from the truth. While it wasn't all bad with David I noticed that when I got into publishing he was jealous of how much I not only enjoyed my career but how well I was doing in such a short amount of time. I hadn't expected to get pregnant so young but life had other plans. My mom had offered to watch Caitlin while I worked but then she got sick and before I knew it I had a toddler and no child care options. David of course said that being fresh out of dental school meant he couldn't just stop working, so I did.
I don't regret being there for my daughter, Caitlin is my whole life. Over the years David was the sole breadwinner and he never let me forget it. He had a gambling problem but somehow I was the issue. Then he had an affair and that too seemed to be my problem. I wasn't enough for him anymore. He worked hard and I should have given him more of myself. I had already felt like I'd given him all of me to the point that I didn't even recognize myself anymore. When he gambled away Caitlin's college tuition I knew I had to do something, I wasn't going to make her leave school. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't find a job. No one wanted a 40-something has-been that hadn't been in publishing for 15 years. So one night I was at the bar with Maggie and people thought I was young, Josh thought I was his age and that's when Maggie had the idea that I pretend to be a millennial to get a job. So that's what I did. Am I proud of what I did? No, but I did what I had to in order to provide for Caitlin. David wasn't pulling his weight so I had to do it for the both of us.
I lost my identity when I was married. There were days when I didn't know who I was anymore. I used to be this bubbly, adventurous person who had a zest for life and I turned into a suburban housewife who's biggest thrill was posing for my book club's monthly calendar. I promised myself after David I was never going to get lost like that again. I was never going to lose who I was for anyone. This was now my time," Liza paused, needing a moment to collect herself before she continued.
"After my marriage ended I wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone. I didn't want one. Josh came along and overtime he charmed his way into my life. He's a great person, very kind and sweet but once he found out my real age everything changed. For a while he didn't talk to me but when he did he soon realized that I'd had a slew of life experiences that he'd yet to experience. So he thought I could just do them again but with him. I didn't want that. In a way that was like David all over again. Me losing who I was and giving up what I wanted to please someone else and I couldn't do that. He wanted to have kids with me and I told him that wasn't what I wanted. He told me it would be great and it would all workout because he loved me. Josh thought that by proposing to me he could find a way to keep me but again it's not what I wanted. I'm not someone's property, I wasn't David's to neglect, I wasn't Josh's to control and I wasn't yours to flaunt either." Liza looked at Charles near tears as she said the last part. She knew it probably hurt him for her to say that but she was being honest. She felt one of the reasons why Charles proposed as hastily as he did was because he wanted to prove that Liza was his girl and no one else's. She took a deep breath before she continued. This part was the hardest for her say out loud,
"I also was worried about what might happen to us if we got married," Liza couldn't look at Charles as she finished.
"I know your marriage to Pauline was not the same as our relationship but she'd felt you'd taken her for granted. That as time passed life had gotten in the way and you'd neglected her."
Charles was hurt, it was painful to hear Liza say that but she wasn't wrong. He knew deep down when he'd seen Josh at the wedding he let his impulsivity get the best of him and he'd proposed. Afterall, she did say that she chose him not Josh so there was no doubt she'd say yes and then Josh would know once and for all where he stood in her life and it wasn't as the love of her life. It also hurt to hear her think he'd wind up neglecting her but for months she'd been by Pauline's side as her editor and God knows what she'd told her back then. Pauline was hurting and I'm sure what she'd shared wasn't pleasant.
Liza saw a myriad of emotions cross Charles' face but he said nothing. The seconds of silence passed by agonizingly slow. Liza was starting to get worried, thinking of what she should say when she was saved by Dr. Smithson.
"Liza I know that wasn't easy to share but I appreciate your honesty and I'm sure that Charles does as well."
Her words brought Charles out of his reverie.
"Yes, yes… as hard it was to hear some of that, I appreciate how open and honest you were. You weren't wrong about what you said. You kept telling me that things were long over between you and Josh. You kept saying that but you were always so nervous about how I would react to seeing or hearing about him. You flew all the way to Chicago because you were worried about me seeing the ad. As for Pauline, no one was completely innocent in our marriage but she was bitter about me not welcoming her back with open arms. I'm not saying that her feelings were not justified to some extent but I also know that when she first returned she tried to minimize her role in our demise."
Liza blushed from embarrassment as Charles continued. That was definitely not one of her finest moments. Seeing his face as he found out had crushed her and she regretted not calling and telling him when she first found out rather than flying to Chicago .
"I guess I just couldn't understand why you were always so nervous if things were really over, if you didn't still love him, if you'd really chosen me. So when I saw him at the wedding I let my ego and my jealousy get the best of me. I thought if I proposed then he could see who you'd really chosen. It was selfish and hasty but I rationalized it by telling myself I wanted to marry you anyway so I was just asking you sooner than I'd originally planned."
Liza knew they were going to have to talk about Josh and by that she meant really talk about him. If they had any chance of this reconciliation working long term, then the issue of Josh had to be settled. She just didn't know if she had the energy to do it tonight as this was going to be more than a five minute conversation and emotionally she was drained.
"Charles, Liza. I think we should end our session here. Liza I appreciate how honest you were today even though I know it wasn't easy. I'm choosing to stop here because Josh is an important topic that needs to be discussed and we only have 5 minutes left. I feel that would not be doing it justice. Do you agree?"
They both nodded. They thanked Dr. Smithson for her time and made their way to the elevator. Liza was silent and avoided Charles' gaze. She had been brutally honest tonight and she wasn't sure how he felt about some of the things she said.
Charles had been deep in thought as they boarded the elevator when he noticed that while she held his hand, Liza refused to catch his gaze. He felt it was important that she knew he wasn't upset by anything she had said. Yes some of it had hurt to hear but they were things he had needed to hear.
"Liza," he said softly as he placed a hand on her cheek turning her face to his. "I want you to know that I appreciate how honest you were back there. I know it wasn't easy. I also want you to know that I'm not angry or upset with you. Everything you said was something I needed to hear even if it was difficult."
Liza looked at him, guilt reflected in her eyes.
"I mean it Liza. We knew that by agreeing to therapy not every session would be a walk in the park. We knew that some things would be hard to talk about or hear but that's why we decided to do this, so someone could push us to have the conversations we never had on our own because they were too difficult," Charles said as he pulled her close, kissing her forehead.
Liza looked up and gave him a weak smile.
"I guess you're right," she said.
"Well of course I'm right that's why you're dating me," he quipped.
She chuckled and he was happy to see a genuine smile return to her face.
"Now let's go have some fun!" He said as they exited the building.
They decided to have a real New York date night complete with a ride on the fabulous MTA subway system. They headed to the second avenue subway and waited on the downtown platform.
"The next downtown Q train will arrive at this station in 5 minutes," an automated voice informed them as they stood waiting. Normally waiting for the subway was not an exciting activity. New York's subways were notoriously unpleasant places to be and yet there was nowhere else Charles and Liza wanted to be. They felt giddy as they held hands feeling like a normal couple.
"So are you ready to get your butt kicked?" Liza asked nonchalantly. "Afterall, it's not like you even stand a chance."
Charles and Liza were heading to the West Village to a board game cafe called the Uncommons. The Uncommons was a local favorite, where patrons could grab drinks while choosing from hundreds of board and card games to play.
"Oh so that's how we're playing it huh? Trying to psych out your competition. Well it won't work. Besides I've got some tricks up my sleeve you haven't seen yet," Charles said suggestively.
"Really?" She said with a smile and a raise of her eyebrows.
"Well this is something I'm looking forward to seeing. But it won't matter, Nicole's been teaching me all her tricks."
In the past they'd had a biweekly (weekly if their schedules allowed) family game night. Liza was excited that they'd started those again. Nicole turned out to be a real hustler and won nearly any game they played.
"Consulting with the enemy? Why Liza Miller I never thought you'd stoop so slow," Charles said with a smile.
Liza laughed as she gave him a kiss. She knew no matter who won tonight they were both going to have a great time. This was the part of their past relationship they never got to fully enjoy.
When they got to The Uncommons, a small little hole in the wall on Thompson street, they rented a table and grabbed a couple of beers.
"Ok so which game will I be beating you in first?" she said with a waggle of her eyebrows.
"Well someone sure is cocky tonight. You do know that in every epic tale the protagonist's greatest weakness is his hubris."
"Eh that's just because none of those great tales were written about me and my gaming prowess."
Charles couldn't help the deep chuckle that escaped as they made their way over to the game wall. It had floor to ceiling shelves and contained over 100 games. Some neither Charles or Liza had ever heard of but many were old favorites. They settled on a game of UNO to start.
A few minutes later they were engaged in a heated battle with Liza having only two cards left.
"Well Ms. Miller I hate to disappoint you but you're going to have to pick up 4 cards," Charles said as he laid down a Draw Four wild card.
"The color is now blue."
"Hmmm normally I'd be worried but I think I'll just have you pickup eight cards instead oh and before I forget UNO!" she smiled as she laid down her Draw Four card stacking it on top of his.
"Evil woman," he said as he drew eight cards.
Liza easily won the round and Charles got up to get them each another beer and some snacks.
He came back a few minutes later with beers and french fries.
"Here you go," he said, handing her a beer and a basket of fries.
"Thanks but we could've shared the fries," she said, taking a swig of her beer.
"Uh huh sure that's what you always say and then somehow the fries have made it over to your side of the table and before I know it they're nearly all gone."
Liza gave him a glare but couldn't help but laugh. Charles was right. She always said she didn't want any or only wanted a handful and then before she knew it half the basket was gone.
From UNO they moved on to Monopoly, a childhood favorite of Liza's.
"I'll trade you Park Place for St. James Place," she said casually.
Charles eyed her suspiciously. Park Place was the most valuable property on the board next to Boardwalk. While he wasn't sure what she was up to he decided the trade was too good to pass up.
"Deal," he said, handing her the deed to St. James Place. If only he'd known what she was planning.
An hour later Liza was counting her money as she looked to buy some houses and hotels.
"Ok so I'll take 6 houses, 2 on each of the orange ones and I'll purchase hotels to replace the houses I have on the pink ones." This added to her collection on that side of the board which also included the Electric Company and Pennsylvania Railroad.
It was two turns later when Charles was on Just Visiting that he realized he was in trouble.
"So basically you've made a dead man's alley here. I'll be lucky if I make it out alive. Hopefully I'll get lucky and land on Community Chest or Free Parking," he said as he picked up the dice.
Liza smiled.
"Well I don't know if I'd bet on Community Chest. It can lead you to St. James Place or St. Charles Place."
"Seriously?" he said now genuinely worried. Bankruptcy loomed just around the corner.
"You know when I was a kid my grandfather had dubbed himself the unofficial real estate king of Northern New Jersey. Didn't matter that he wasn't really a licensed real estate agent and had only flipped two houses. He sat me down one night and taught me about the real strategy behind this game. While Park Place and Boardwalk command the highest rents, the likelihood of landing on either one is slim compared with this half of the board. Both Community Chest and Chance contain cards that direct you to this side of the board not to mention if you land in Jail. So statistically speaking these are the most valuable properties on the board."
Two turns later Charles was completely bankrupt.
"Well I'm sure Nicole will love to hear all about your strategy. She can add it to her ever growing collection as a game hustler."
Liza laughed. Nicole had really become a real natural at board and card games hardly ever losing.
Two beers later and they were embroiled in a hysterical and somewhat rather tipsy game of Operation.
"Remind me never to visit Dr. Miller if I need surgery," Charles said as he watched Liza try and remove the rib bone unsuccessfully for the third time.
"Oh yeah I'd like to see you do any better Dr. Brooks," she teased, handing him the tweezers.
Charles successfully removed the rib bone, a triumphant smile on his face.
"Well you are good with your hands," she said with a wink.
After finishing with a game of SORRY they decided to call it a night.
"Well I think I need to have a long talk with my daughter. She's going to have to teach me some of her tricks."
Liza laughed.
"Well I'm afraid we've made a girl pact. She agreed to teach me her tricks on the condition that I use them to beat you."
"Is that so? Well then she's grounded," he said in a playful tone.
They made their way back to the West 4th Street Subway station hand in hand.
When they entered the subway they were greeted with the soft sounds of an acoustic artist who sang as part of the city's Music Under New York program.
If there's anything that you want
If there is anything I can do
Just call on me and I'll send it along
With love from me to you
I've got everything that you want
Like a heart that is oh so true
Just call on me and I'll send it along with love from me to you
I've got arms that long to hold you and keep you by my side
I got lips that long to kiss you and keep you satisfied
If there's anything that you want
If there is anything I can do
Just call on me and I'll send it along
With love from me to you
While they waited for the subway Charles pulled Liza close swaying softly to the music. They were so swept in the music and their love for one another that they didn't even notice that 2 trains had come and gone by the time the song finished.
The truth can be a bitter pill to swallow but when it's followed by a chaser of love it can be digested in a way that moves you forward and brings you to a place of pure joy.