Chapter Four
Charlie Brown's palms got sweaty, his heart started racing. How come he never noticed that Heather was playing Mrs. Banks?!
"Charlie Brown, your turn." Miss. Othmar said.
Charlie Brown gulped and looked down at his script, his hands shook so hard that he couldn't read his lines. It hasn't even been a few minutes and he's already making himself look like a fool in front of the little red haired girl.
"Charlie Brown? It's your turn to read your lines. We're at the part where you just came home from working at the bank."
"What? Oh, yes, my-my lines." He gulped and looked down at his paper, he cleared his throat and started to speak. There must've been a lump in his throat blocking his voice because no words could come out of his mouth. He felt another lump of panic forming from getting nervous in front of everyone.
"Do you know where we are?" Miss Othmar asked.
"Come on Charlie Brown! Just read your lines!" Lucy crabbed, "it's not that hard!"
"We're going to be here all night if he can't read his lines…"
"Is everything alright Charles?" Marcie looked at Charlie Brown with a worried look.
"May-may I- …. May I go to the bathroom?" Charlie Brown stammered.
"Yes, you may."
Charlie Brown stood right up and rushed to the bathroom. He turned on the sink and started splashing his face with the cold water.
"Come on Charlie Brown, pull yourself together. You're Mr. Banks for Pete's sake!" He splashed another handful of water onto his face, "Look at you! What would Mr. Banks think if he sees you getting nervous over something like this?" He looked at his reflection, he cringed when he saw his face staring back at him, "If you want to play Mr. Banks, you have to start being more like him." He said to his reflection, "Chin up, shoulders back, be a little more confident." He adjusted his posture, he felt a little better, however he could still see himself in the mirror. He closed his eyes and slumped to the floor, "Rats…. What's the use in even trying?" He hugged his knees and buried his face in them.
Franklin knocked softly on the bathroom door, "Hey Charlie Brown? Are you going to come back and join us?"
Charlie Brown stood up and dried his face off, "Yeah, I'll be right there." He cleared his throat and recomposed himself, "Sorry, I got a little nervous."
"That's ok, we're all a bit nervous." Franklin led Charlie Brown back to the Auditorium, "If you want, I could read your lines for you."
"Thanks, but I think I can handle it." Charlie Brown took a deep breath as he entered the auditorium. The group continued to read through the script while he was gone. Franklin handed him the script and Charlie Brown stuttered and stammered his way through his lines.
Charlie Brown never thought that the first rehearsal would take so long, the rehearsals started after school, and ended at four. When Charlie Brown finally got home, he ate dinner and went upstairs to work on his homework. He had an assignment from Biology, Algebra, and an upcoming History test over the Great Depression. He figured he could study for the test in between his assignments.
"Let's see… ccc stood for Civilian Conservation Corps, right?" He read over his notes, there was a gnawing feeling in his stomach. He clutched his stomach, he made himself look like an idiot in front of the little red haired girl.
"Why did I let Schroeder talk me into doing this?" He sighed, "If I knew that the little red haired girl was going to be in it, I would've dropped right out!" He nibbled his pencil a bit, "but then I would be a quitter." He slumped down in his chair, "This happens every time! Whenever I'm given a chance to impress myself in front of the Little red haired girl, I get nervous and mess up!"
"I can't let myself get nervous like this anymore!" He sat up, "That's what's been holding me back! If I want to move forward, I have to face my anxieties and do them anyway! It's these feelings that I have to her that is holding me back!" He stood up and started pacing around the room monologuing to himself, "All my life, I've been so focused on trying to impress someone who doesn't have any feelings for me, it's been hurting me, there's been plenty of times where I would lose sleep over worrying whether she loves me or not."
His voice rose, "I'm tired of feeling that way! I don't want to feel that way again! I'm tired of letting these feelings hurt me! I need to get rid of them if I want to succeed, I'm not going to let them hurt me anymore, I've suffered through my whole life with feelings of failure because I fell for a girl who doesn't love me back! I'm in high school now! It's time to change that! It's time for me to stop letting these feelings tear me-"
Bam! Bam! Bam!
Charlie Brown opened his bedroom door to see Snoopy standing in the doorway dressed as a beagle scout leader.
Do you happen to have any field guides on plants? Snoopy went over to Charlie Brown's book case and started searching for a field guide. My Beagle Scouts are working on earning a merit badge for plant identification.
"A field guide? Um… let me take a look…" Charlie Brown looked over his book case, "I'm sorry, I don't own any field guides… I do have an encyclopedia on Biplanes, Triplanes, and Seaplanes though." He handed his dog the book.
Close enough.
Snoopy went back outside to join his beagle scouts with the book. Charlie Brown closed the door and continued his monologue.
"But if I want to stop letting these feelings for the little red haired girl hurt me, I have to let them go and accept that she'll never love me." He sighed and gazed out the window watching his dog and the gaggle of birds sitting around a fire porking out on marshmallows, "I can't let her go! That would be like quitting, right? But what's the point in even holding on if it's just going to keep hurting me like this?" He closed the blinds over his window and clutched his stomach,
He turned away from the window and sat down at his desk, he looked over at a certain framed photograph sitting on his desk, he picked it up and looked at it. It was a team photograph from one of their last baseball games together before middle school. Once middle school hit, everyone started going their own separate paths, 5 and his family moved, Schroeder was dealing with some personal home issues, Pig-Pen just left the group entirely along with Shermy, and the girls formed their own posse that didn't want anything to do with Charlie Brown. Everyone seemed to change overnight, except for Charlie Brown, even Linus changed, on the first day of Middle school, he decided to go full cold turkey and give up his blanket completely.
(Actually, he still secretly sleeps with it at night.)
Charlie Brown set the photograph back down on his desk, maybe it's time for him to change, maybe it's best if he let go of what's holding him back. If he wants to succeed with being Mr. Banks, he would have to let go of the little red haired girl. That's what he wants, right? One moment of triumph.
However, letting her go would be like that time when she moved away. It destroyed him, it hurt. He will never forget that sickening feeling he had knowing he'll never see her again and she'll never return his feelings, or know that he had feelings, he didn't want to go through that process again. That knowing that his one chance of love is gone presumably for good.
He sighed clutching his stomach, What's going to hurt more? Letting go, or hanging on?