Days turn into weeks, Delphine insists on doing every single grocery run. They both start wearing masks, fabric ones so as to not contribute to the PPE shortage, everywhere they go. She goes on walks. Meets with people only virtually. And while virtually D and D with the guys is a fun distraction twice a month it leaves her feeling empty. Isolated. She'd never regretted their condo before. With her and Delphine it was plenty of room really. Their one bedroom plus den had never seemed small before. Now she felt she was basically tripping over Delphine everywhere she went. Delphine had let her take over the den office for her dissertation work. Delphine catered to her food preferences but she could tell Delphine too was getting frustrated.
The condo walls seem to rise up and enclose around her. Cosima has never felt more alone or trapped in her life. She works on her dissertation, meets virtually with her advisors who express great gratitude that the experimental phase of her diss is over. At least she can do this work. It just drags. She wasn't able to stay cooped up. It wasn't working for her brain. She needed stimulation, new people, new things… different food.
"I need to go out!" Cosima whines one particularly boring morning.
"Non. You shouldn't." Delphine is quick to counter her. Delphine sits laid out on the couch, her laptop on her lap. More news scrolling, Cosima assumes. Or talking to her international contacts.
"Why?"
"Because you are at higher risk of complications from Covid19 than the general population. As much as we've done with you - we could not repair all the damage to your lungs. And you know this. You have reduced lung capacity. Scarring." Delphine says this very tiredly. She's said it so many times in the last month that Cosima is sick of it.
"Yes. I know. But I need a walk. Or to see a friend distanced outside. Even if there's still snow, I don't care. I need to… interact."
"You can interact with me." Delphine offers.
"Sorry. No. I need… novelty." Cosima claims quickly. And it's true. As deeply as she and Delphine are connected, as much as she loves the conversations they have together. She needs… new.
"What about virtually?" Delphine suggests. "Find a game you can play with your friends virtually. Or a virtual coffee date. Or wine night… Whatever you like. I could arrange a Skype dinner with your parents again?"
Cosima laughs at the second thought, that had been comical and she could easily go another few months without seeing Sally and Gene, who were staying with friends in Berkeley off the boat until further notice.
"What about you remember you smoked from the time you were 13 until you were nearly 30?" Cosima throws back. "There's lung damage right there."
"Yes. There is… but the tissue regenerates. Over time. My lungs are already improving from what they were 5 years ago. From what we know about your disease, that isn't happening. Except… with Charlotte who is getting some improvement due to her age. And the gene therapy might help… but Charlotte is an adolescent. You are 35."
"Yeah babe, that takes like 20 years to do completely. Your lungs are totally still ex-smoker lungs. Even if your lung function has improved." Cosima stares down her wife. "If you get Covid, you might end up on a ventilator too." That's the truth, Cosima thinks. And she watches her wife's face for a reaction and sees nothing.
"Well I'd very much prefer to die before you. So that's just fine then!" Delphine snaps back, her face impassive. She closes her laptop and sits up.
"Whoa… You're out of line." Cosima raises her own voice. "How is that fair to me?!"
Delphine lets out a slow sigh. "It… I do not want to live without you, Cosima. I don't. I just… I need you to be safe. As safe as possible.."
"Well I don't want you to die either… let's… take a walk." Cosima suggests somewhat helplessly and Delphine softens.
"We'll drive to some trails outside the city. Put on your boots." Delphine offers softly. And they go, dressing for the weather. Delphine doesn't want her walking about in the city much, and even outside Delphine stays masked the whole time. Cosima cannot say she's surprised. She knows Covid is dangerous, that it could take them out...possibly. But she doesn't want to succumb to mass hysteria either. As long as they follow all recommended precautions it should be fine. Should be.
"So… your meeting?" Delphine asks as they wander along a wooded trail. They pass families, people walking dogs, and a briskly jogging 50-something woman who is in better physical condition than either of them will ever be.
"I mean it was fine…" Cosima sighs. She tries to let her irritation go. She looks over at Delphine, the same face she's known and loved for years, the same voice.
"Just fine?"
"I am still writing… It's too early to tell. The first four chapters are looking good." Cosima shrugs. "And my methodology is solid. I just have to keep going."
"You will."
"Well we know that." Cosima teases her. "But it's… probably going to take me another year. Maybe two."
"I think you will finish more quickly than you think. You're passionate."
"But I am not like you." Cosima points out. Also her experimental subjects were all honeybees. Totally acceptable. Experimenting on insects capable of parthenogenesis had felt easier than trying to clone small mammals after everything she'd been through. And a nice short life cycle is always a plus for experiments. Her artificial hive had become dysfunctional before the end of the experiment, and epigenetics proved interesting enough.
"No." Delphine agrees. "We are different."
"Do you want to get like… really good takeout for dinner? Bust out the candles… maybe… find a movie?" Cosima asks. Maybe what they need is a good date. Maybe that could ease the burgeoning tension between them.
"Yes. What do you want, ma chérie?" Delphine is quick to offer. She bridges the gap between them, reaching to take Cosima's hand in her own. With their fingers interlaced, Cosima feels herself calm a little. Maybe trying to feel more connected to Delphine would help ease the tensions.
"Something new… or like.. Super fancy." Cosima asks. Maybe it is just novelty they're craving. Maybe they need to shift the mood in between their bickering. Remind each other why they're together in the first place.
"I bought an InstantPot." Delphine tells her. "A new kitchen gadget for us to try."
"Gadget?" Cosima finds herself smiling at the turn of phrase. Why was it in the frustration and craziness that Delphine could say something and still brighten her mood.
"Yes, gadget. And I bought two vegetarian cookbooks for it… I thought it might be fun since we are stuck home so much." Delphine suggests this. And Cosima knows, Delphine would appreciate it if she'd cook more often. But Delphine typically enjoyed the task more, enjoyed taking care of her that way.
"Yeah. otherwise we are way over our takeout budget. We don't want to single handedly keep UberEats in business." Cosima giggles.
"But let's get takeout… and we can pick up on our way home." Delphine is soft, or trying to be and Cosima wants to accept it. Conditions aside.
They choose an Ethiopian restaurant on their way home, and get a large vegetarian platter for two. It's only later, talking about the bees while feeding Delphine injera loaded with shiro wat does Cosima feel like things are even close to normal.
"And my students are...nowhere near ready for exams. And these are my summer students!" Delphine sighs. Cosima tries to remember when they agreed that Delphine would be working the spring semester, but she supposed it didn't matter. Not when they couldn't go anywhere anyway.
"Hey, you're doing your best. They're making you teach virtually. No labs… you're… your hands are tied Delphine."
"I know. I just… I don't want them to be disadvantaged next year. Some of them are quite bright." Delphine sighs.
"Ahh… teacher's favourites?"
"No… They're just the ones I believe have a future in research." Delphine shrugs, helping herself to more food.
"Want to help me talk about my conclusions?"
Cosima thinks that Delphine, when she chooses to be, is the perfect sounding board. She can talk out her arguments before writing them into her dissertation and Delphine understands, and can ask questions and help her reason it out.
"Oh mon amour, you know I do… but I have papers to grade…" Delphine looks apologetic. And they finish up supper.
"I'll clean up." Cosima offers. She wonders what Delphine is working on. There's always something on the go, something she's researching or studying, her next publication. But so far Delphine hadn't shared like she usually would.
She opts to watch some mindless television on the couch and doesn't really think much of anything until Delphine emerges from the bedroom in her silk bathrobe.
"I need to shower." Delphine wrinkles her nose.
"Yeah… Want company?" Cosima offers. Maybe that would help. She perks up at the thought, her and Delphine in their big shower with the fancy shower head.
"I have to …. Redye my hair." Delphine grimaces holding up a small box. And with salons closed it made sense. Unless Delphine opted to chop a lot off and give her natural light brown colour a try temporarily. Cosima glances at her wife's scalp, there was more brown showing than usual. It's been a long while, she guesses, since Delphine had it done.
"Oooh DIY…. good luck Dr. Cormier." Cosima opts to tease her wife.
"I'll need it." Delphine quips and retreats to the bathroom. "I know you like me blonde."
"I like you any which way!" Cosima hollers through the door. Hoping that her words will make Delphine more receptive. She turns on another episode and another and hears nothing but muttering in French from the bathroom. She suspects Delphine is 100% capable of this, and it's no big deal, just time consuming.
And sure enough she hears the water go, and suspects it's rinse time.
"What do you think?" Delphine steps out with her hair still wet. It's not even that curly right now, Cosima wonders if the bleaching process affects the texture of Delphine's hair… or if it's just wet.
"Looks good." Cosima looks it over. It's multi-toned, slightly darker blonde than before… which makes sense - less work during a pandemic.
"It… needs a good conditioning… and some product… to get it the way you like it." Delphine seems to read the question from her mind without being asked. "But I am tired… I am going to let it air dry and hope for the best for tonight."
"Hey… it's your hair." Cosima shrugs, pushing back against the armrest. Even upside down Delphine looks fantastic. It's been a better day. Why not try?
"Yes… It is." Delphine nods, grabbing her special towel which was some microfibre towel thing for curly hair. She begins squeezing her hair carefully and Cosima thinks through her next move.
"Do you want to fool around?" Cosima leans off the couch, partially upside down. She tries to look as sexy and inviting as possible. It's been a while since they'd made love, Cosima wasn't even sure exactly how long. And maybe it would help ease tensions.
"Non." Delphine shakes her head curtly. "I am tired. I am going to bed."
"OK." Cosima nods. After all this is status quo now. She can't even remember the last time Delphine just kissed her. When had that been? Delphine, by nature, was rather affectionate with her. Then again, in her frustration she'd often moved away from Delphine's touch. Had she pushed too far?
"Bonne nuit, mon amour." Delphine tells her softly before retreating silently back to their bedroom.
She pushes herself up, she cleans up the condo as best she can so Delphine won't have to. Leftovers in the fridge, dishwasher running, counters clean. As she tidies up, Cosima glances at the calendar. It was nearly June. She saw so many scratched out appointments. So many things she and Delphine had planned to do. Parties that didn't happen. Romantic weekends lost to time. Dates. Dinners with her sisters.
Cosima tries to think back. She knows they had sex in March. At least once. She remembers it, remembers that Delphine's belly was tender from the injections and hyperstimulation even weeks after. But have they since? Cosima tries to wrack her mind and comes up short. She can think of a handful of times Delphine kissed her, but nothing led to taking their clothes off. One or both of them had been upset at the other most of the time. Especially when it came to the topic of leaving the condo.
They hadn't, Cosima realizes slowly. They hadn't had sex in nearly 9 weeks. A term she had always thought was a joke and totally ridiculous comes to mind. How had it slipped her mind so long? How had neither of them tried to initiate in that long ? What is wrong with them? It's too long. And for such a passionate connection to fizzle out, Cosima shakes her head. It isn't right. It isn't them. Shouldn't happen to them.
"Lesbian bed death." Cosima mutters to herself uselessly. Is that where they are now? And how the heck does one get out of it?