July 2020
Delphine lays in bed quietly, she's wearing pyjamas, which she usually doesn't do. Especially in summer. Habitually, she just goes to bed nude. And has for most of her marriage, but lately she would rather be covered up. The sun isn't down yet, it's still early for bed but she doesn't really want to get up. She looks through the information she was emailed on her phone. A few former Dyad scientists still keep tabs on the various Ledas. Four new infections among them, two in critical care. And one death, Camila Torres. Delphine sighs, she remembers that clone. Remembers treating her, with Cosima hiding just out of sight, unable to contain her enthusiastic desire to lay her eyes on all her sisters. Both had shown signs of respiratory illness before treatment. And… she wonders if there's a connection between the possible respiratory side effects of the infertility sequence and lasting damage leaving the clones vulnerable to Covid19. Or other respiratory illnesses. Camila Torres had been a smoker, Delphine recalls the file, and had developed mild respiratory symptoms prior to vaccination. Mild at least, compared to Cosima. The fear grips her, body and mind, and she can barely move.
She tries to tell herself that Cosima doesn't smoke tobacco products. That it is an unfair comparison for that reason. Cosima after nearly dying has chosen to vape marijuana instead of smoke it 90% of the time, to protect her already damaged lungs. Delphine takes a few deep breaths, her mind is too quick to jump to scenarios where Cosima is on a ventilator. Where she loses her wife far too soon. Her anxiety has largely extinguished her appetite, something she will have to try to compensate for by having small meals whether she feels like it or not.
At least Cosima is out, after her virtual meeting she'd gone out for the first time in weeks. Delphine thinks. Cosima had gone on a distanced walk to see Sarah, and she was grateful. And it was time, they hadn't seen Sarah since February. Alison and Helena even longer.
She doesn't move until she hears Cosima's key in the door, the familiar sound of her wife's footsteps.
"What is it? You're in bed? It's like 8 o'clock." Cosima opens the bedroom door. She walks in slowly. Cosima had been less agitated. Or trying to be, Delphine had noticed. Maybe she felt the space between them too. It was stress, Delphine told herself. Just stress and it would ease as the pandemic improved.
"Nothing… How was your meeting?" Delphine locks her phone and puts it onto the bedside table. This is news that can wait. News she was afraid of, news that she doesn't want to share with Cosima. Not like this. Not right away.
"Well my advisors think the dissertation is going well enough. Meeting virtually is like… 7 times more convenient than flying to Minnesota. But… we mostly did meet virtually anyway. No real change there." Cosima shrugs. "You know I haven't even been to Minnesota since November." She does remember, Delphine thinks, last time Cosima had stayed two and a half weeks to do cleanup of her lab space and meet with her advisors.
"You look like you want to say something." Delphine states simply, watching her wife climb onto the bed.
"I do… umm I think we have a problem." Cosima tells her without prelude.
"What kind of problem?" Delphine sits up, she wants to pay attention. If something is truly troubling Cosima she has to listen.
"A big one." Cosima lets out a sigh, and crosses her bare legs.
"What kind?"
"Sexual." Cosima tells her simply and without shame.
"Because… we haven't been having sex?" Delphine surmises. The summer seemed to be slipping away in a strange fashion. All events, all markers of time paused and every day was pretty much the same. She taught virtually where possible. She'd gone into the lab only a handful of times each month, masked and distanced. She'd barely seen anyone. And when she had she'd been cautious to keep the two metres recommended distance. She's even stopped grocery shopping, relying on online ordering and pickup where possible for everything they need.
"Delphine… this is lesbian bed death." Cosima spits out the words. "This is a real problem. I'd heard jokes about it, but it's really not funny when you're in it. We need to fix it."
"What? That cannot be a thing. Cosima, things are just tense right now. Everyone is struggling." Delphine shakes her head. "Nothing has… died." Delphine throws out trying to smooth this over.
"It is a thing. Especially with lesbians in long term relationships. Eventually? You just stop…Like straight up stop having any kind of sex. No pun intended." Cosima grimaces.
Delphine shakes her head softening towards her wife. Maybe, maybe if Cosima chilled out a little they could have a cuddle before bed. Maybe she could manage that much if her mind stopped spinning with horrific possibilities. "Cosima... "
Cosima snorts humourlessly. "What? Do you suddenly want to rip my clothes off?"
"Non. I don't." Delphine sighs. "We are fighting too much for me to be in the mood." And that is true too, she wants to set limits, be as cautious as possible. And Cosima, despite her mind, despite all her logic does not.
"And you are restricting my personal freedom too much for me to be in the mood." Cosima retorts. "I'm all for following public health recommendations, but the rules need to be the same for both of us."
"Cosima… You could die ! And you got out today. You saw Sarah!"
"Yes. I could. But I can mask up and go outside and get groceries. Or something." Cosima states clearly. "I could go… meet more friends, distanced and outside. Especially while the weather is nice. I wish we had a backyard. We could at least see people that way."
"Let me do the groceries… the errands..."
"So… what is the difference between you getting infected and infecting me with covid and me going out and getting covid?"
"Cosima… I am just trying to reduce your risks." Delphine buries her face in her hands. Cosima's insistence at pushing back, at refusing to be mothered was usually a good thing. But right now it was another thing she didn't need to deal with.
"And we stopped doing the telomerase experiment on me… So there's another risk. We don't know what is going to happen with my telomeres. We aren't done! Sarah, Helena and Alison all got what… two injections before we started this? Have you monitored them?"
"No… we haven't. I think I'll ask Scott to mask up and go collect samples… Cases are lower right now and … if they do the collection outside. I am monitoring your results. And we can continue, chérie. When we can. And your telomeres have lengthened, there's every reason to believe it is working the same on them." Delphine knows she should try to continue that work, it is important work for all of them. She must make time.
"But Sarah and Alison and Helena are out of luck?"
"For now. Until… until this calms. Until there is a vaccine, I assume. Or they tighten lockdown measures enough… they're still allowing international travel. It is ridiculous!" Delphine finds herself increasingly disappointed with the government. Shutting down businesses while they and their well-to-do friends jet off on their vacations or meet with their families.
Cosima stops, standing up and pacing. Restless, Delphine thinks. Clearly restless. "So once I have it, are you letting me out?"
"Depends on the risks and variants. Depends how well it works. We both know viruses mutate." Delphine looks at her plainly. "Tentatively, yes. Once we are both vaccinated."
"I cannot live like this." Cosima claims loudly. "It's unfair of you not to let me leave the fucking condo."
"We go on walks. We exercise." Delphine points out. "You can go out… just keep your distance from people. And keep a record of where you go, just in case."
"But that's not social enough! I want to see new humans. Different humans. Let me go to a store. Let me pick up the groceries in your expensive car. Let me do something!"
"It's better… it's safer, if I do it. If I get sick. I may not end up on a ventilator. If you get sick… you probably will." Delphine wonders if she should share the clone data. She suspects it would solidify her case. It may also prompt a full on breakdown from Cosima. The anguish it would cause her wife is too much. Far too much.
"You cannot know that for sure. We are both less at risk than the elderly." Cosima points out. "Yes, I may have increased risk. But if I am masked, what does it matter who takes the Audi to get groceries?"
"Well you are not much fun to live with right now either." Delphine retorts impatiently. "Do you want me to get us takeout for a late dinner? We could have a late meal together." Her appetite is down, Delphine notes. She hadn't eaten yet. She'd barely eaten all day. Which wasn't preferable to grazing all day either. Neither is good, and she goes between the extremes.
"No. I ate at Sarah's. Outside. Don't worry." Cosima brushes her off, moving her body away. And Delphine sighs at this. The distance is a problem. One she knows they need to work on, but it's not easy.
"Well what do you want then?" Delphine asks, her patience clearly wants to maintain patience, wants to smooth things over with Cosima. But she can't.
"Sex." Cosima supplies quickly. "We need to have sex before we go any longer without. Delphine, it's been three months. We need to take our clothes off, get into bed… and start having sex again. Even if… we're not so into it at first. We can get back into it."
She's shocked at the suggestion at first. The thought of just getting naked and having sex doesn't appeal. Was it that it was out of nowhere? Or too much pressure? Or is she irritated at Cosima's petulance? She isn't even sure right now. Or maybe it's stress? Anxiety? Delphine sighs, which makes Cosima look increasingly hurt. So she tries to soften it.
"I just… I do not want to." Delphine shrugs at her. "I… the desire is not there right now. How can it be? The world is a mess. The government is still letting stupid rich people fly to their vacation destinations. We… We are in a partial lockdown. People are literally dying and neither of us can do anything about it!"
"Fine." Cosima snaps, and turns to leave. "I'm going on a walk."
"OK." Delphine calls after her. She has to trust Cosima to care for herself. And hopefully, hopefully Cosima maintains her good sense. She tries not to think of all the people Sarah is in indirect contact with. She shares Kira with Cal, sees Felix and Colin regularly... and who knows who else. Kira's friends? Was she seeing them outside? Had they seen Charlotte or Art? How big was the web? And how many risks were they taking?
Cosima scrolls her phone, some sex toy online store. Delphine tries not to look at it. She sees an array of brightly coloured vibrators… And quickly theorizes that Cosima's sexual frustration must be getting overwhelming. She's jealous in a way, her drive has crashed. She barely thinks about sex. And there's Cosima trying to find some novel way to have an orgasm.
"What?" Cosima looks up and pokes her with her foot from across the sofa as she sits down.
"I have an idea… to make things better." Delphine suggest, and she watches Cosima perk up hopefully.
"What kind of idea?" Cosima asks. Since she'd refused sex three days ago Cosima had been mopey and hadn't asked again.
"We need to move. We should sell the condo." Delphine's thought about it the last two days and is convinced that it is the right course of action.
"What?" Cosima looks shocked. "Um… Why? And also… the housing market is getting crazy. We may not be able to get another place. Then what? We sit on a pile of money and have to rent somewhere?"
"We need to start looking, because we need to move. We need… more space." Delphine bites her lip.
Cosima looks at her, thoughtfully. "Yeah I mean. Wasn't that the plan? We'd move before…" Cosima cuts herself off. It was familiar, they'd had that conversation when they'd been in California. Between her hormonal sobbing and their walks. They talked about getting a house… a semi or a townhouse, in the same general area as their condo is now.
Delphine thinks briefly of the frozen embryos, safely tucked into cryo storage at a local fertility clinic with the next year of storage already paid. She had thought they'd move in the next couple years. Also that they'd get a larger vehicle. Something that could accommodate groceries, bags and a stroller when required. They will wait, Delphine thinks. They will wait until this is all over with.
"So you want to start looking?" Delphine asks, and she wonders if the timing is all wrong. "We could… extend our search… look… outside Toronto… but still in the GTA."
"Um… Well we can… but I am not sure… now is the right time." Cosima admits, a hand goes to the side of her face. "Like sure… let's find a realtor and mask up… but are you even going to let me tour houses? Do you want us going to open houses? Like... how does that all work...now?"
Delphine considers that. Maybe they should wait. Vaccine trials are ongoing, and if they are vaccinated by next summer maybe that is better timing? She is expecting with Cosima's issues she can find a way to get her in line for early vaccination, but that was still likely months away. "Because… we are struggling?"
"That. The pandemic. I don't know… The only thing in my damn life going well is my dissertation."
"Cosima…" Delphine softens and reaches for her wife's hand. She gives it a squeeze.
"Like…" Cosima sighs. "I get that your sex drive is like… zapped… You're… skipping meals… I get that you aren't… feeling it."
Delphine lowers her head for a moment. Of course Cosima noticed. They live in close quarters, and all their efforts to give the other space during the day fall short. They share meals, and a kitchen. Of course Cosima noticed.
"Just… eat. And… we'll… we'll work out the rest." Cosima says and leans over, she kisses her cheek softly and Delphine closes her eyes. There's still love here. Still tenderness.
"My… appetite isn't… there."
"I can tell." Cosima is blunt about it. "Your appetite… your sex drive… it's zapped. And… Mine isn't great either. I just… Don't mother me, OK. It's clear we're going to be stuck in this pandemic for a long long time. I don't think I'll even be able to play the board game Pandemic ever again… We need… We need to get through this. And... we need to be doing better... between the two of us. And don't know if space is the answer? Or if... I just need more freedom? Or... if we need to just... spend time trying to reconnect."
"I know. Ma chérie… I think we will." She can try not to mother. Try to give Cosima enough space that their relationship doesn't implode. She couldn't take that. Couldn't survive it in all likelihood. As the only reconnection Cosima has demanded so far involved near instant nudity, she's not entirely sure what Cosima has in mind... but... they have to try. They have to. Maybe she should just give in. Maybe she'd get into it as they go... or Cosima would...make it easy for her.
"OK." Cosima agrees, stretching on the sofa. "So… what now?"
"Can you pick up the groceries?" Delphine asks. "I'll… I'll make us a stir-fry for supper. Something… something we both like." A good first step, dinner for two, made at home. Something they could do.
"Yeah." Cosima smiles slowly. "I can do that. Anything else we need?"
"Euhh… toilet paper, light bulbs, a new water filter…" Delphine rattles off a quick list of household items they need and checks the pad of paper she keeps near the kitchen for exactly this purpose. "We also need toothpaste."
"Right. Just give me the list…" Cosima holds out her hand. "I'll… I'll do it."
She watches her wife head out into the warm summer day, and opts to sit on the balcony as she considers taking up smoking again to reduce her stress. She can't really. That could doom both of them. But part of her wants to.
Cosima was softer today. That helped, it made it feel less… lonely. Less overwhelming. Even if her wife spent the better part of two hours indiscreetly looking at sex toys on the internet.
She makes a cup of tea, and settles on the balcony. It isn't large, just large enough for a small cast iron table and two chairs. She remembers they used to have breakfast out here all the time. She'd cook, and Cosima would drag her out to enjoy the good weather and sip their tea in the fresh air. She'd had a herb garden some summers, this year she hadn't bothered. Maybe she should have. Maybe growing cherry tomatoes and basil and mint in pots would … be better? Delphine sips her tea trying to picture the last time she felt...happy. It was here, with Cosima certainly. But when?
She watches the neighbours a little. Most of them have been shut-ins too, though there are a few people in their building that try to flout the pandemic regulations or get angry over wearing masks in the common areas. Maybe that is another reason to move. It may be safer for Cosima.
Either way… they'll need to find… some way to get through. Dinner, Delphine muses, may be a good start. Maybe if she cooks and eats, her appetite will follow.