September 2020
She has her noise-cancelling headphones on as she works on her diss. Chapter after chapter of methodologies, conclusions… related material. Her literature review is perfect, Cosima thinks. Even Delphine had agreed when she'd gone through it. It was good. And she could be done in just a couple years. Cosima finds herself smiling at the thought. Maybe sooner. But her head is starting to spin and her ability to concentrate is wavering. She takes off the headphones and stretches. She stops at the living room wall stunned.
She hears what sounds like… muffled screaming from the TV. And it is enough to easily pull her away from her diss. Is Delphine like...watching porn? That wouldn't be typical, Cosima thinks, but maybe Delphine is starting to get frustrated out of the...lacking. It might even be…productive. Cosima quickly saves and goes back to the living room to investigate. And maybe get naked. Her only orgasms had been self-inflicted, or involved her two new expensive and rather effective vibrators. She'd made no attempts at discretion, figuring her wife should know exactly how frustrated she is. Delphine hadn't commented on it, and maybe that is just as well. Her wife had never been much of a toy person. Most of the attention she got from Delphine these days was worry, and it was mutual given as her wife had clearly dropped a few pounds when she'd had none to spare.
But when she sees the screen, she spies a heterosexual couple in the throes of passion. But she doesn't pay much attention to the dialogue. It looks… more like a TV show, Cosima thinks. Maybe something from one of those channels with a ton of nudity.
She looks to Delphine who is… surprisingly calm looking given what is taking place on the screen in front of her. Cosima smirks, she had been expecting to see Delphine without pants. But her wife was fully dressed.
"What is this?" Cosima points at the television. She knows Delphine has been watching something in the evenings while she slaves away on her dissertation. The damn thing takes forever. And no longer able to fly to Minnesota means she has no more excuses. She just has to sit and write. She takes breaks where she can, eats, exercises. But mostly her life is just… her diss.
"Outlander." Delphine responds, riveted to the screen as she pushes small amounts of popcorn into her mouth. The couple on screen leave… not much to the imagination.
"Is… is she sucking his dick?" Cosima makes a face. That seems to be what the show is choosing to imply, at least it isn't that graphic here. No doubt it gets worse. Cosima thinks.
"Oui." Delphine replies, not looking away from the screen. Or her snack. Apparently Delphine would rather fantasize about being railed by a 1700s Scotsman than have sex with her wife.
"Gag." Cosima shudders and decides to walk away. Is this what was doing it for Delphine these days? She briefly thinks of buying a dildo and a kilt, but thinks better of it. It probably wouldn't work anyway.
"The show is very well done." Delphine comments. "I've ordered the first three books. I've heard good things. Do you want some popcorn?"
"What do you mean first three books?" Cosima glances back to the screen, where it is clear that this show is basically heterosexual woman fantasy fodder.
"It's a series. Unexpected time travel. Star-crossed lovers… almost." Delphine looks back only briefly, and then back to the clearly enamoured on-screen lovers. "She fell back in time… and met him. Now they're married, but… it was not their choice alone…it was too dangerous for her to remain unmarried. They're in love but she has a husband in her own time. It's complicated."
"Why not watch something… gay?" Cosima suggests. It would certainly be sexier for her. The less men the better, Cosima thinks. And maybe could get them both going.
"So I can watch one of the lesbian lovers die and think about you dying? No thank you." Delphine responds without looking back. "Or… or they split up… no thank you."
"So… straight stuff?" Cosima winces a little but Delphine pretends not to notice her.
Delphine turns to look at her wife. "Yes, Cosima… Straight stuff . I just want some simple escapist fantasy. No complications. No one dying. No pandemic. No crisis of sexuality..."
Cosima looks over, a question on her mind. "Are you like… dreaming of PIV?" She doubts that is it. But maybe Delphine is in the mood for something novel. Something she always swore she didn't miss.
"Non. I assure you I am not . Now please be quiet… I am missing things." Delphine rewinds the show slightly and watches again, transfixed.
"Whatever… I guess I'll go work on my diss." Cosima glances back for a few moments, quickly learning that the female protagonist is the more experienced between the two. And maybe that was part of the fantasy. A woman teaching a man to do it exactly the way she wanted it.
Delphine nods in what Cosima supposes is an encouraging way. But she's given up. And doesn't know what to do now. They're sort of like roommates, awkward, attentive roommates that used to make love like maniacs. And while it's better, it isn't great.
Cosima lays back on the bed instead. She is not aroused by heterosexual drivel. Not at all. But if Delphine is, maybe she should like give it a chance and benefit? Did it matter where Delphine got her appetite as long as she ate at home? Did she have to care if it was Outlander that was doing it for Delphine?
She loves Delphine. Cosima thinks. That much she's sure of. She isn't like going to leave over this. But… damn do they need therapy or something. She scrolls her phone until she falls asleep. And when she wakes during the night Delphine has removed her glasses and set them on the beside table for her. In sleep, Delphine is wrapped around her, one arm flung across her body. Cosima melts into the closeness. Wondering what it would take for Delphine to start wanting her again.
The Skype call was scheduled during Delphine's lab time at the university. And for that Cosima is grateful. She doesn't have to censor herself. Not like she would anyway. Delphine could deal. It was not like her wife was unaware of the problems. Cosima had stopped suggesting they just have sex weeks ago. She'd given up. At least on that. They clearly had bigger problems anyway.
"So… how is everyone?" Cosima asks. She is hoping this conversation leaves her feeling lighter. But most of her virtual socialization just left her feeling wistful. Maybe the sestras would be different.
"Uh… doing the best we can Cos." Sarah shrugs. She looks tired too. And not necessarily a good kind of tired. Cosima wonders privately when the last time Sarah got eight hours of sleep was.
"I mean… it's pandemic fine." Alison shrugs. "Like… what else can we do? At least… at least we're all healthy. No positive tests, right?"
And there had been tests, Cosima sighs. Delphine had insisted that they get covid-tested at the slightest sniffle. And they had. All negative.
"What about you and Delphine?" Alison asks. "It must be hard being trapped in the condo together."
"Alison, they're probably… shagging the whole time away. No wasting time in the Niehaus-Cormier household. Science and sex." Sarah teases. And Cosima thinks she must be serious. For whatever reason she thinks Sarah genuinely believes that she and Delphine are still like ravenous for each other. And it's… not true anymore.
Alison visibly tenses, but Cosima opts to ignore it. It hardly matters.
"We don't have sex anymore. Not in like… nearly seven months." Cosima states plainly to her sisters. Sarah tries not to laugh. Alison takes it in with a shrug.
"All marriages have rough spots, Cosima." Alison quips. "I have a book you could borrow…"
"About how to re-excite my marriage? No thanks. There's zero urges. No one's into it. Lesbian bed death has set in."
"All Delphine wants to do is work… and watch Outlander. That is it."
"That is such a good show." Alison states very seriously. "I'm halfway through it… and it is amazing. You should try, Cosima. It's quite...sexy. Donnie and I are watching it together."
"Great… you and Delphine can like... Talk Outlander." Cosima shrugs. Sarah doesn't say much just sits quietly.
"This is… this is lesbian bed death."
"Lesbian what?" Sarah repeats a bemused expression on her face before she starts laughing. She hears Felix say something in the background but cannot quite make it out. Clearly the jibe is meant to entertain Sarah. Not her.
"Bed death." Cosima repeats. But no doubt neither of her heterosexual clone sisters have ever heard of it. Nor do they have sympathy to spare.
"Right…" Alison's eyes widen and she nods awkwardly. "Yeah… I have Helena's two rambunctious boys to do virtual learning with… plus my two teenagers. I don't… I don't think any of us is that in the mood. It's stressful. Like intimacy isn't the priority for any of us."
"But Delphine and I don't have kids!" Cosima objects. Kids, kids were supposedly huge libido killers. But their on-ice embryos were far from that. As far she was concerned, until one was implanted in Delphine and viable, she didn't have to expend much thought on them at all.
"Kira is being a pain too." Sarah adds. "She's 13 and driving me insane. She wants to see her friends, and I am still wrestling with in-person schooling. I cannot homeschool her. And… she will slack off if we try virtual. She conned them for three weeks in the spring. And me! So she had to go in-person. 100%. It's week two and we've already had to do a covid test."
Alison cuts in quickly. "I'll one up you. Oscar is… 15 and doesn't understand why I won't take him anywhere. There's a pandemic. I've told him. Donnie's told him. So he spends his days playing… Minecraft or… something. He has a YouTube channel for it. Gemma is 12… and she is struggling too. I try doing things with the kids. We bake. We try new recipes. We're...crafting...again…. We should check in with Art. See how he's faring with Charlotte.."
"Charlotte is a Leda." Cosima shrugs. "We remember our adolescence years… Charlotte is probably… either acting out or reading a lot… or struggling with impulse control. Or all three." They really should check in with Art. Sooner rather than later.
"You think our impulse control issues are genetic?" Alison asks her for what is probably the dozenth time.
Cosima nods, a hand lifting up automatically. "Yes, Alison. Our impulse control issues are likely genetic. We all mostly have it. It just...manifests differently. Your bouts of.. Violence and addiction issues, Sarah's inability to be still or settle…. My...crappy romantic decisions...pre-Delphine. We are talking pre-Delphine here." Cosima drifts off. "A few Ledas had ADHD diagnoses…" She'd had suspicions along this line before. Maybe it was worth looking in to.
Alison lowers her head for a moment before spouting out. "Maybe I should have Helena's boys assessed for ADHD."
"They are still too young." Cosima points out. "I don't think you can test this young."
"They're just six now." Alison points out. "And Helena… She cannot homeschool them. So I am doing it… And then they play with her out in the yard and she is teaching them… god-knows-what…"
"Well we agreed you'd take Helena and the twins. You had the space." Sarah states calmly. "And that stands, even during a pandemic."
"We never agreed! Donnie and I offered… and they've literally never moved out." Alison shakes her head. "They can't… Like… this is on me. This is another thing falling on me… and on Donnie…And it's not fair how much I do for this family!"
"Alison… I'll come over. And I'll take the boys outside… and we'll run around a bit. OK?" Sarah offers. "I'll… teach them… something. Or we'll read some stories and have fun."
"No… No you won't because you have seen… how many people? Cal? Felix? How many people is Felix still seeing? And we all know... Kira isn't toeing the line. You chose in-person school."
"Kira has to see her dad." Sarah states. "And she's a 13 year old girl. I have to give her some freedom or she'll… she'll be like me. And nobody wants that!"
"Fuck." Cosima breathes out. "OK… Fellow sestras… let's do this again...later." Cosima signs out quickly having had quite enough of it. She needs a break. Needs... something.
October 2020
Cosima sits in the lab, working enjoying the quiet the Rabbit Hole offered. She couldn't do much else. And since Delphine was finally willing to let her out, with cautions to stay masked and distanced, she was going to take it. She'd missed this space. The bed is gone, replaced by a couch and Delphine had improved the cross-contamination protocols years ago. It was perfect for whatever clone related science they needed to do. The comic shop was currently pickup/online orders only. She sees the comics stacked in bags near the door bearing customer names. And a note from Hellwizard reminding himself that his pickups are scheduled for evening hours mostly. At least they still have this... to come back to.
She looks around the lab, remembering Delphine and her here. Remembering their fervid reunions, their telomerase research and experimentation. All of it. It makes her miss Delphine. Or rather, miss Delphine as she was then. She is just settling in with her laptop to do some work when she hears the door pop open again.
"Hello?" A familiar voice calls from the top of the stairs. "Cosima?"
"Scott?" Cosima jumps up when she hears the door. She wasn't expecting that. She'd thought Scott would in Minnesota. He'd been there last she'd checked, and restrictions hit and he had stayed put for months. Returning to Toronto was always his plan, but... she didn't know he was back now.
"Yeah it's me. But I'm masked and I have a face shield. We'll just… stay away from each other." Scott holds up his hands in front of himself. "I flew back last month. I quarantined. Covid negative." Even through the plastic and with the blue medical mask Cosima cannot deny it's good to see a friend.
"Sorry… I mean… it's good to see you Scotty." Cosima shakes her head. She watches Scott inspect their various projects. He putters around the lab and she realizes Scott had been here a lot lately. And at least someone was using the lab.
"So I was going through the files… yesterday." Scott starts this cautiously. "And uh… I found some stuff when I opened all the mail. It was addressed to Delphine but she never comes here anymore and it's been sitting for weeks. Also… I sequenced the samples Delphine had labelled in the freezer. Umm a while ago now..."
"What is it?" Cosima perks up. It wasn't unusual for Delphine to start things and then surprise her. Though, Delphine always brought her in quickly,
"So… the embryos… you have… 10 of them?" Scott asks. "Are they like… for research? Or…."
"The embryos… are umm… mine and Delphine's." Cosima answers.
"I know that. Cosima… I can tell they're Leda-adjacent. And they're not from Sarah." Scott tells her bluntly. "After I saw the genetic screening … I got curious and did some digging. I thought… I thought it was some gene therapy attempt at first. You know I was still working on the gene therapy for Charlotte with Delphine? And I have the telomerase injections ready to go."
She remembers Delphine talking about trying an aggressive gene therapy on Charlotte to see if they could reverse some of the damage of the sequence. Due to her age, Charlotte was the best choice. But that… that was separate. How could Scott just stumble across the private project?
"Leda-adjacent?" Cosima turns at the phrase.
"And the rest… they're… Delphine?" Scott puts it together. "You… you did the bone marrow thing, didn't you? I found that sample… it's labeled with your tag number."
"Yes. We did. Or I did… The other 50% of the genetic material is Delphine." Cosima confesses this. The embryos aren't even here . There were samples… and some data. But as far as she knows Delphine has the embryos stored at Create, awaiting … whatever.
"So they're… your… potential offspring." Scott nods. "I figured it out. That's… why you kept me out. Which hurts by the way. You trusted me with Leda, with Castor… with the cure… with the telomerase project - which is taking over my dissertation by the way. My advisors love it. I think I might win an award… All thanks to you and Delphine. But… you keep me out of this. I could have helped you. I could have sequenced them all… I would have done it and I wouldn't have told anyone."
"Yes. That is what they're for. Not experimental. Personal." Cosima sighs. "Delphine wants to have my baby. So… we're going to try to make that happen. When my PhD is done." Frankly, things being as they are she's not convinced that's an option anymore. Delphine doesn't eat enough, and their relationship is a bit of a mess. Adding a baby sounds particularly nuts.
"You know that umm six of them carry the 35delG mutation in the GJB2 gene?" Scott asks softly. "It came back on the carrier screening… it… it wasn't hard to get in. Delphine's last password was… ridiculous." Scott gestures towards the computer. "Three of them have some genetic deletions… so those three.., I recommend discarding embryos 4, 8 and 9. Deletions are too risky. Maybe an error in the umm forced spermatogenesis?"
"What?" Cosima sits up, between the pandemic and the tension between her and Delphine she hadn't thought much about the embryos. Presumably Delphine hadn't either, knowing they were safely frozen for later. The password was probably still Cosima&Delphine4Ever , at least it was the last time Cosima had changed it. Back in February. She'd meant it to amuse her wife. Not to compromise security. Scott could have guessed it easily.
"Yeah… Common autosomal recessive for hearing loss…usually. You know heterozygous carrier." Scott shrugs. "So you've got seven embryos I'd consider viable, and… of those seven - five of them carry 35delG. But that isn't necessarily terrible."
"But we don't carry that. The Ledas I mean." Cosima bristles slightly at the word defect. The genetic deletions, she agrees - those embryos will have to be discarded. The risks are too high of miscarriage, stillbirth or impairments if the embryo even survives to term. She knows her genome… none of the Ledas have that. It was ableist. And … she wonders if Delphine will want those five otherwise healthy embryos destroyed. Delphine hadn't said anything but she must be aware. Either that or she's gone one track mind on Ledas and pre-existing risks.
"No you don't… Which means Delphine does. Has she had her hearing tested? She's… likely to suffer some impairment as she grows older." Scott is remarkably chill about this. Cosima decides now is not the time to mention Delphine's very hard of hearing paternal aunt she'd met over Christmas. She'd assumed it was just age-related. Maybe the assumption needed to be reassessed.
"But autosomal recessive, so they're just carriers." Cosima reasons out. "Right?"
"Yes. They're just carriers. And they may not have effects, at least not like total deafness. And not at birth. But it may affect their hearing… I mean I am no expert but what I've read says one allele can cause some higher frequency hearing loss… uhh particularly in females." Scott confirms. "But no one has any rare metabolic disorders. No PKU, no Cystic Fibrosis… none of that."
Cosima sits with this knowledge quietly for a few moments. "That's… that's good." She's satisfied with that. Seven viable embryos to store until… until the world rights itself.
"There are some… indeterminate findings, that probably are your… embryos inheriting bits of your barcode… of your synthetic sequences… but we can fix that with gene therapy… Or you and Delphine can." Scott looks awkward.
"Yeah my procreation is just… open for comment." Cosima sighs. It wasn't private, couldn't truly be private with everything they decided to do. She should have realized that Scott would figure it out. They both should have. She should have just told him. It's not like she and Delphine could just... do this alone. As much as they wanted to. Maybe they should have done it all here.
"No. What I see is two women I respect and care about who made decisions about their lives and biologies… and combined both of those things. And I… will help or not help. Whatever you and Delphine want." Scott is firm about this. "This... this is your potential child we're talking about. That is very personal."
"Are the embryos here?" Maybe she was wrong. Maybe Delphine had put them here for tests? Maybe she was more out of the loop than she thought.
"No. I looked. They're not here." Scott shakes his head. "Just the results and cell cultures... they're... elsewhere."
"Good. So they're in cryo storage at Create." Cosima sighs. That means Delphine hasn't gotten to them yet.
"Oh good… you know where they are." Scott chuckles a little.
"Yeah. That's where Delphine and I decided to store them… until we're ready. Has Delphine… seen the results?" Cosima wonders aloud. Why hadn't they talked about this? It seems... important if not urgent.
"I assume so…" Scott shrugs. "She can remote open the inbox, you share the admin privileges of the account."
"Yeah." Cosima nods. They'll have to tackle this subject. She has to be invested, has to care.
"You really need more secure passwords." Scott tells her. "I know you change them on Delphine."
"I do." Cosima admits. "I like having fun with her... Or I did."
"How are you, really?"
"I'm not OK, Scotty. I am sick of this… I believe it but… I hate it." Cosima tells him. "Things are rough at home... Delphine is crazy stressed and I am... I have mad cabin fever even now that she's letting me out."
"OK. Let's get our work done distanced. Then… I'll walk you to your subway stop."
They work, and it's almost normal aside from the masks. They both try to make it normal. The new normal. It has to be enough. Cosima decides to purposely let some of her lab time overlap with Scott's. It'd be good to see someone else.
"We could... bubble?" Scott offers when she's nearly at her metro stop.
"We could... I'll ask Delphine." Cosima considers. "You're not seeing anyone."
"In Canada? No. It's just me and Denise." Scott nods. And it makes sense. Scott is being cautious.
Maybe that could help. Maybe a friend would... lighten things somehow? Or at least help with the clone stuff before they let it go any longer. The only thing Cosima knows is she feels a lot less alone. And maybe it could be good for both of them?