Delphine goes through her work emails on her phone. Dinner is in the slow cooker, she's working on campus again part-time. It is almost normal. An improvement from the spring, and yet nothing feels right. She checks case-counts daily for Ontario, Canada and France. The subway is the quickest way home, and parking at University of Toronto is insane, and yet, Delphine thinks she should spring for a parking pass, brave the traffic and take the Audi.
Without the masks, she'd be able to convince herself this was any other year. Images of her nightmarish imaginings of Cosima on a ventilator have to be warded off, day by day. Camila Torres had been joined by two other clones, one in South Africa, the other in Poland. And her worries grew by the day. Three wasn't statistically significant but it was enough to bring to Cosima's attention. Even if it broke both of their hearts.
Cosima would likely beat her home. Delphine pictures her wife's face. Surely her afternoon in the Rabbit Hole basement lab will have brightened her mood. She misses the joy, the joie de vivre Cosima has always possessed so effortlessly. Always brought the same out in herself.
She walks up the walkway to their building, changes her mask and places the used mask back in her purse. She's accumulated quite a collection of masks. And she purchases novelty ones for Cosima. Ensuring that her wife has choices. A box of medical masks up in the closet for the occasions they need one. She wonders if she could convince Cosima to double mask as she waits for the elevator.
It is later than she planned, Delphine worries her lip. But Cosima wasn't prone to anxiety. Not like she was. She walks up to the door noting that some of their neighbours had put fall coloured wreaths on their door. It is cute, but all she can think of is the bacteria that could accumulate on such an uneven surface. Or in fabric.
She unlocks their door and finds Cosima in the kitchen, serving rice and doling out their lentil dal on top. She smiles at the sight, it feels almost normal. There's affection at least, Delphine thinks as she regards her wife. Who smiles when she sees her. The time out of the condo had done Cosima good. It was worth the risk, Delphine tells herself. Cosima needs this. They both do. As long as they distance and take precautions, Cosima should be safe.
"Hey Delphine." Cosima greets her, and quickly brings two bowls to the table. "Let's have dinner."
"You gave me a lot." Delphine looks at her bowl, and she knows Cosima's noticed her dropping appetite. Whenever they eat together Cosima tries to compensate. She'd even snuck granola bars into her bag as easy snacks. And sometimes Delphine ate them. Sometimes she didn't want to bother.
"You need to eat, Delphine. You didn't eat lunch, did you?" Cosima knows. And she doesn't answer. They both know that she drops weight when stressed. Knows she's dropped a few pounds but has been not weighing herself so she will not have to know exactly how many.
"How are your parents?" Delphine asks, remembering Cosima's plans for the day. It beats engaging on the other topic of conversation. No matter how many times they discuss it it doesn't change things. Bringing up the Leda deaths sounds like a horrific idea before bed. Cosima must be told, and soon, but not this minute.
"You know my mom and dad… they're probably naked on the boat." Cosima sighs, raising a hand to her face.
"Cosima… I am well aware that they are naturists. That was not my question." Delphine looks at her wife. Another suspicion strikes her."You were supposed to Skype with them today. Did you?"
"Yeah. I uh… forgot." Cosima excuses it. "I... I'll text my mom and reschedule. I just… got distracted in the lab. I probably still could with the time difference, it's… late afternoon now for them."
"Is that good or bad?" Delphine asks. Maybe Cosima had worked on their telomerase experiment. She knows Scott was planning on following up with Sarah, Helena, and Alison who need a blood test for assessment and then another dose to catch them up to Cosima. Charlotte should start soon too, Delphine thinks. She will text Scott tomorrow about calculating a pediatric dose for the young girl.
"I haven't decided yet. But we need to talk about… the embryos." Cosima's tone is calm enough, but her words surprise her.
"What about them?" Delphine tosses back trying to seem casual. Honestly, she'd put them out of her mind since getting the basic genetic testing back. It was something to be dealt with at a later time. Once the pandemic was over. Once she and Cosima felt like they were on solid ground again.
"How many are still frozen at Create?"
"All ten." Delphine responds. She hadn't touched them, yet. There was no reason to deal with them now. It could wait. She had the information she needed, it wasn't urgent.
Cosima nods, seeming relieved. "Good. We … need to talk about the genetic testing results."
"You checked them?" Delphine is surprised again. She thought between her dissertation and the telomerase project Cosima wouldn't even think to check. It was plenty of work already. Why would Cosima be looking for more.
"Uhh. Yeah I did… and… Scott found them." Cosima phrases this cautiously. "I mean, he's back in Canada now. Which great, but he was in the lab too… but we kept our distance and stayed masked. It was fine." Cosima emphasizes the precautions.
"Scott." Delphine repeats. She supposes that was a risk of keeping samples and files in the lab, even if the embryos are safely at Create. She paid the storage fee for a year when they'd arrived and hadn't thought much of it since. Scott wasn't a threat though, he wouldn't interfere.
"Yeah. He…figured it out. So. What do you want to do with the 35delG carriers?" Cosima wastes no time getting to the point, as per usual.
"We…we should probably discard them." Delphine responds between spoons of dinner. That was her initial thought on the matter, but why they had to deal with this right now was beyond her. Somewhere in the back of her mind she'd thought Cosima might fight her on that. But she figured she'd have more time to build her argument.
"No." Cosima shakes her head across the table. "Absolutely not."
"No?" Delphine looks up. "Why not? We… had the embryos sampled for this testing. That is exactly what these tests are for, finding genetic defects and weeding out the affected embryos. To ensure a healthy baby."
"Delphine. They're carriers. They may not have any effects. You carry it and you're fine."
"There are risks."
"To what? Hearing loss? Deaf grandchildren?" Cosima throws it around as if she doesn't care. And maybe she doesn't.
"Yes." Delphine nods. It would be irresponsible to take that risk, it would leave the potential child with the same decisions they have now if she decides to procreate.
"I'm comfortable with the risks." Cosima is quick to tell her. "Once we eliminate the embryos with genetic deletions we're down to seven. I think we should keep all seven frozen."
"Yes. That's my fault… we probably made errors with the bone marrow stem cells." Delphine lowers her head, their mutual desire to keep their procreation between them had drawbacks. They'd managed, but imperfectly.
"It's just errors in meiosis. It happens. Even with people trying naturally at home." Cosima is quick to correct her. "And seven of them are just fine."
"Two of them are fine." Delphine argues. "We'll try twice. And then… I will undergo another egg retrieval if necessary. And we'll use the frozen marrow. We'll do it all here." And hope for the best, Delphine thinks she'll likely be pushing 40 before Cosima agrees to try.
"Delphine, you carry this." Cosima pleads with her. "You have done amazing. You speak at least four languages! At least two of them perfectly. You have an MD and a PhD. If you end up with some hearing loss, so what?
"Why would we want our child to start life with a disadvantage?"
"Ohhh. This is the eugenics side of you… isn't it? You cannot make a perfect human, Delphine. We cannot define what perfection is! A deaf person can still have a complete fulfilling life! And… our baby won't even be born deaf!" Cosima argues. "I researched the variant all the way home."
"But they may have or develop a hearing impairment." Delphine points out. "And there is a small chance that there's some non-identifiable variant you carry… and the child could be born deaf. It is unlikely, but it is possible ." Delphine stays as calm as she can. She remembers researching it back in April before putting it aside to concentrate on following the Ledas. To understanding Cosima's risks. It had seemed more urgent than the frozen embryos.
"I have two words for you Delphine. So what?" Cosima looks pleadingly at her across the table. "You wanted my biological baby. Our baby . We made pseudo-spermatozoa from my bone marrow. We made embryos… this is… what you and I created together. Isn't that perfect enough for you?"
"Would you feel the same if the child carried a metabolic condition?" Delphine asks, wondering honestly what Cosima's response will be.
"That depends what it is… those hugely affect quality of life." Cosima admits, spoon down as she stops eating. "I figured we'd assess on a condition by condition basis. But deafness? I'm not willing to say they don't deserve a shot at life because of carrying a mutation that could give them hearing impairments.
"You've… been thinking about it," Delphine sighs, pushing her bowl away from her. She'd figured Cosima hadn't thought about the embryos since March. She'd thought she was more invested. But maybe that isn't true.
"Yes. I care about our potential baby." Cosima tells her. "I will agree to transfer the non-carriers first. I don't necessarily agree with you, but we can try those two first, all else being equal. But if we have five carriers left? I want us to use them before we consider making more."
Delphine runs through it in her head, possibilities and risks. Cosima's feelings on the matter. A previously blurred vision coming back to life. She and Cosima with a baby. "OK."
"Now if you ever want to have a baby with me you need to eat." Cosima prompts her, a warm hand clasping her own. "There are other things we need to be doing too… but for today? Just have dinner with me. Talk to me. Connect with me."
"OK." Delphine looks across the table. Cosima is present. Cosima is passionate, even when she's disagreeing with her. It's enough for now.
"I love you." Cosima tells her pointedly. "Even right now when things are hard. And I want you to tell me what's been bothering you."
"I've been following up on the Ledas."
"All 274 of us?"
"All the ones I can locate data on… a few have slipped through the cracks."
"Like Tony?"
"None of us have any idea what happened to him." Delphine states clearly. "We've tried before, he doesn't want to be found. But no, not just Tony. I managed to locate current health information on 238 Ledas."
"That's… amazing actually. Especially years later with former Dyad staff gone to ground." Cosima is intrigued for a minute. "Why?"
"Because of Covid19. Because… three of you have died."
"Shit." Cosima looks down at her supper. "Names?"
"I have names. Camila Torres was the first." Delphine trails off. "Two others have died more recently."
"Risk factors?"
"All developed respiratory symptoms before being treated. Two of them smoked cigarettes. There's a possibility it's… random, some healthy adults develop very severe symptoms. But I expect there's a connection."
"OK. So I have increased risks. We… we already knew that." Cosima's eyes water, and Delphine reaches for her across the small wooden table. "It's… it's not new. We can… we can… figure it out…"
"Hey…"
"It was all for nothing." Cosima cries. "We… we saved them all… almost and… they're dying. We're dying."
"Cosima, you saved so many lives. We… we have saved so many of your sisters. And most of them are still alive! And vaccines are coming… they're in clinical trials." Delphine leans in, unthinkingly.
"Last year I thought our biggest problem was going to be convincing Krystal to take the telomerase treatment." Cosima sobs, distraught. "She won't even admit she's a clone…"
"We tried remember? When we gave her the cure." Delphine remembers that one well. That had been a struggle but ultimately she'd taken a new vaccine on Dr. Cormier's recommendation, backed by her new GP.
" But I'm not clones with your girlfriend. You're Like… lesbians! " Cosima mimics her sister, making Delphine laugh. "But we have bigger problems. Like… much bigger than I thought we'd ever have even… eight months ago."
"We will… have to try something to convince her. An anti-aging treatment? Something but… primarily our concern needs to be advising precautions and trying to get the Ledas at risk up the vaccination queue." Delphine says this as if it's simple. And she wishes it could be.
"I thought you'd been doing that already."
"For you , yes. You're going to get priority." Delphine assures her. "But… for the others things are harder. I'm not practicing medicine, but our GP is amenable."
"Right…right…" Cosima covers her face with her hands. "Do you… you think we can crack this?"
"I think there are many scientists working hard on treatments and vaccines right now, the funding is there, the motivation is there…"
"Do you wish you were one of them?"
"They don't manufacture vaccines in Canada." Delphine responds as if this settles it. "Dyad didn't even manufacture them domestically. And Dyad is… gone."
"I know that, but really. Do you wish you were working on Covid stuff?"
"Sometimes. I would feel like I were contributing. All I do is ...teach." Delphine sighs. "And, my students' performance is down. And half their questions are about covid as if they expect me to know absolutely everything because of the letters after my name. MD. PhD."
"Do you wish you were practicing medicine?"
Delphine shakes her head quickly. "I can't. If I were, that would put you at risk. And I cannot do that."
"So… we're stuck." Cosima summarizes. "You're professionally stuck, you're… petrified of losing me… and so… we're stuck."
"That is oversimplification. But everything you said is true."
"So… how do we get unstuck?" Cosima stands, and moves to stand behind her. Dropping her hands to her shoulders. The touch of Cosima's warm hands to her arms feels good, she relaxes into the touch. Simple, but necessary.
"I don't know. I want to keep researching, keep trying to come up with something." Delphine reaches for a solution.
"We wait for vaccines." Cosima states calmly. "That's our solution. As soon as one is available for me, I go… and I take it. And as soon as you can take it, you take it. We… we encourage the others to do the same. I suspect social pressure is heading that way anyway."
"I would not be surprised if they made it mandatory." Delphine says simply.
"I'm not sure if I like that. I mean, people should do it voluntarily, but if they don't… force won't really help things. Or public opinion. It could get ugly." Cosima winces a bit. "But with a pandemic, I could see them pushing things."
"That is a debate for another day, mon amour." Delphine sighs. "We'll hope that the vast majority take it voluntarily. And… we'll see about the rest."
"The social contract. The common good." Cosima leans down and presses a quick kiss to her cheek. "I think it'll work on most people. That and the desperation to leave their houses and return to normal life. Or… semi-normal anyway."
"Yes." Delphine agrees, leaning back into the touch. "Whatever it shapes up to be." Her mind spins with possibilities. Variants and vaccination, deaths and despair. And above all, Cosima and the life she knows they both wish they were having.
"Whatever it shapes up to be…" Cosima answers, and when Delphine looks back at her she can see how much the loss of three clone sisters she barely knows affects her. She doesn't want to picture anything worse.